Tuesday, August 31, 2021

Chronicle 061 ~B Losing Some Lovin’~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I would give it all up to save B III. What do you want, God?

Should I have asked that instead of, um, please save my son? Is that why “He’s My Son” strikes me, you know? Mark Schultz sings to let him take his son’s place. For my son to have more love, take my life if needed. Robbing B of that, may God’s love be with you always. Hell, most days, I don’t believe in God, and if we’re going to get all religious? I don’t want to go all-in on my Olds either. Mother is God in the eyes of a child, or why I don’t fear the father of lies, aka Satan. I got my Old Man for that. For the love of money, a child. I hope I need neither by now, their love, money.

Ok, that sounds harsh, and I don’t mean death, mind you. What I mean is, if you asked me how many times I’ve said the words “I Love You?” How many times I’ve fallen in “Love?” What do those three little words mean to me? Fatherhood, Manhood, the boy in the hood? Before everything, there was writing. Even now, I’m thinking about the dream I had Sat. There was Braxton. I felt a woman was what was needed to know love. Somehow. Yes, I met you, a miracle. Baby, you chose me. We have a family. I love you and our kids. Always and forever, never forget that. It’s not a lack of love; it’s the fear of it. My Olds wouldn’t say I lost their love, I don’t think.

The thing is, I don’t feel it except the bills, and yep that idea would cost me. I have billions? You know I’ve never been good with the idea that you won’t just wake up one morning and be gone. But if you ever say, “Hey Stupid, I Love You.” I can’t stand that song. Neutron Star Collision, that’s how I love. “’Cause our love could be forever” that’s better. Love is forever. So I guess when I think of losing love… well didn’t I say love is like the sun? And I don’t know if I’m seeing an ice age or The Midnight Sun from The Twilight Zone. No matter its time, I’m losing, and God ain’t giving it back. B Losing Some Lovin’.

212 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tuesday, August 24, 2021

Chronicle 054 ~Will Love B There~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I still don’t fancy myself an art connoisseur. Well, like Onlyfans, it depends. What’s art?

There are no more little tan hairs at the foot of the bed or on my pillow from B jumping. B’s shrine, temple, memorial, I don’t know, is never going anywhere like V for Vendetta. I don’t care what we have, “Soon As I Get Home” from work, I’m in my B III hoodie, ok. Hell, where are we now 205 Days, and I’ve only ever missed one, with a treat for my B III. There are labels for meds, beeps for when I need to get up to check his spot or water bowl. You hear me when I walk into the house. Honey, I’m home. Nah, “just me, Baby B.” Is it ok? No, I’m not asking permission. Another thing like Aloe Blacc.

I’ve told you before about his song “Wake Me Up” and how he sings about life’s a game. I still don’t agree that love is the prize but a gift. Sure, not everyone wants it. There are imitations of such. But once you give it, when you receive it, well, can it be taken away? Losing Braxton has made me love more. Being a husband to you, a father to our children, I won’t ever be one to tell you what to think or believe. I know what I feel and what’s real. I know my love for my family will never diminish. It’s only, I’m loving for two now. Braxton’s not here. I know that (SIGH) I know that. I need him to be.

And you need me to be, as do our children, so to quote another song, “Where Is The Love?” Be it the Rainbow Bridge, Heaven, or applying for Cerberus’s job. I hope B will know. Baby Girl, I fear my love is like the sun. For you, it’s having to travel far from its origin. That was Braxton to me. Pathetic, I know, considering my history with the word love. B III is up there, somewhere, and the world is a bit colder for all of us. It could be that I loved him so much. I fear what would happen if I focused all my attention on you. God is love, THEY say, but God is cruel. But for us? Will Love B There

205 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tuesday, August 17, 2021

Chronicle 047 ~Birds And The B~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I never had it in me to have Braxton neutered. I’m a responsible parent, Ha-Ha.

This could be the second most feared conversation for a parent to have. The Birds and the Bees. Aren’t our kids a bit too young for that? Braxton was already an old man when I felt I needed to have such a conversation somehow. Braxton loved my third best friend. Hell, I never got “The Talk.” Everything I learned came from late nights with Cinemax. There was my discovery of Japanese Anime, and I mean more than Adult Swim. Hentai. I can tell you all about the first night I met Braxton. As for puberty, I rather forget it all. Well, I turned out alright… or instead Life, uh finds a way. Does Love? Well, I have us; we have a family, but a dog?

I don’t look forward to discipline. There is a song that goes, “Son, fear is the heart of love.” I will not be that sort of a father making our kids afraid. But how to talk to them at all? Now between the two of us, I hope they share our likes. But if they turn out to be jocks, religious, conservative, or prefer Star Trek to Star Wars. Um, have a little common sense. Then there is the idea of having a pet. You’ve seen first-hand what Braxton’s loss did to me. My Olds went through the wringer in their marriage but never got divorced. One of the few traditions I intend to carry on. Plus, I ain’t my father. Explaining a pet’s death.

There is so much you can teach a kid. You know how I am with music. “Son what you don’t understand. My words might never explain.” If I was a bit more like Robin Williams. I can speak of death. I can’t explain the feeling. Holding a dying love, waiting. The most I’ll give my Olds and God may I be a better man now than having to depend on them. Anyway, my relationship with them “it’s complicated.” Braxton and I… now that was love. You and I, this family. We’re okay, I say. Did anyone tell you how, though? I promised Braxton, but I don’t have his barks anymore. The birds and the bees are silent now. What is love? Birds And The B

198 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tuesday, August 10, 2021

Chronicle 040 ~B Team Breaking Down~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and like most, I believe the world is still going to Hell. So I thought yesterday.

Talk to me, all you like about 2020. No, My Love, 2021 has been the worst year ever. It is beating out the year I was born. Now that’s saying a lot which reminds me I should call in about you know what, eww. I’m not getting any younger, and being an old man sucks. There’s a difference between being an old man, the old man, and your old man baby girl. Yesterday I realized how old I was, and we’ll get to that. It was so exhausting, my god. Can’t call me B’s old man, his daddy anymore though I continue to. The audacity. Every day My Love, I try to be like the man I was. No, that’s a lie. That’s forgetting Braxton.

What about forgetting any good driving record, sigh? Yesterday I… like last week I must be careful with my words. Okay, so yesterday afternoon I had a “car accident” with this lady. No injuries; my car seems okay. No harm, no foul; people being agreeable. Forgetfulness is not my strong suit when it comes to pain. THEY ask me about Braxton. Why can’t I “move on?” It’s been 191 Days since B left. Hell, yesterday, I used my pain over losing him to not think about the fender bender. Those tears washed away the fear. Of course, it hasn’t been 24 hours. So I’ve been using everything from Songbird to Succubus, followed by Strahovski. Why not lean on you, Love?

Well, you see what happened to Braxton. When it comes to my first family… yes, I’m being a dick here because I called my old man, and my Ma called a couple of hours later. So I learned like Scrooged ahem “Scrape ’em off. You wanna save somebody? Save yourself!” I hate that movie, by the way, or at least, think Groundhog Day is better. I prefer Happy Death Day, to be honest. What about Edge of Tomorrow since I’ve been all about The Tomorrow War? Anyway, my point is I don’t need anyone breaking down, breaking up, or just breaking because of me. With Braxton, I had to be strong because that’s his life. Only I’m broken, and it’ll take time, putting myself back together. B Team Breaking Down.

191 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tuesday, August 3, 2021

Chronicle 033 ~B Leave Another Second~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which puts me in a higher tax bracket than Mark Wahlberg. Just give me a second.

More like an hour or half, two to three, right? I’ve been watching a lot of “bad” movies these days. Spontaneous, Army of the Dead, Werewolves Within, The Tomorrow War. Now I’m looking into something I haven’t seen in years, The Happening. That scares me. Not the movie My Love, but I was thinking about something at “work” today. How dare I call it work; I love what I do now. It’s not like I’m working the Day Job (shudders). Anyway, look at all these movies and tell me what one common element they share. Final words, from the lovers, daddy and daughter, monster and man. Past dad and future daughter, then husband and wife. Except at the end of The Happening, they didn’t die.

Are we dying, My Love, because of B? I’m not blaming him. You know I’m a firm believer in the idea of challenging somebody on their pet. Baby, I love you but leave me the fuck alone when it comes to B III. You wouldn’t have stood a chance. 15 years, 15 years, Baby. So again, I’m at “work,” but listening to my B III playlist and the lyrics are getting to me. In particular, it was something to the tune of, I can’t take back the words I never said. I was reminded of watching Braxton. In all of 5 minutes and what I said to him. Baby Doll, I told B III I was sorry, I love you, and finally, I said goodbye.

And that right there is what I want you to hear. I told my best friend, my son, goodbye. I killed him and told him it was okay. Braxton could go because I didn’t want him to hurt anymore. You know what, I didn’t ask him, My Love, you know what you hear. Stay! Darling, stay with me. That’s what I want from you. There’s nothing that would make me abandon our family. I haven’t been to Vietnam or Iraq. Again, you know what I want from this life Love. I’ll be damned if I have a daughter like Muri Forester hating me for years. What I’m asking… a second. One I couldn’t Braxton but Have A Little Faith In Me. B Leave Another Second.

184 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tuesday, July 27, 2021

Chronicle 026 ~The Future Shall B~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I am not a prophet, a doctor, or a writer… I make-believe with Time Travelling.

I can tell you now that I will never accept B III’s passing. What day am I on now? Day 177, and it has been productive, I’ll admit. I finished 4,000 words for B III’s masterpiece. But will completing such make the pain in my heart any less? For now, no, I’m still finding pieces. I’m taking a bit too much credit and when I finish this work. What no if? I’ve no idea what got a hold of me today, Sunday. What kind of man am I that I have to set up an appointment with my own wife? An industrious one, busy, and that’s not a good thing. One way or another, it’s Braxton, but I haven’t forgotten you or all our children.

I’m not one to be made out as Count Fernand Mondego, ha. I don’t cheat; I don’t play with cash, considering my beautiful wife and business. If anything, I can only continue mourning. Who could prophesy when such a time will come to an end. If ever I’m guilty. As I wrote today, searching for some accomplice, I could blame Father Time for B’s passing. Still, I am the one that should know the crime. Not to sound like a Republican, but I have reaped the reward. I have you, Baby Girl. I have the family I promised B III all the time. So know that I could never let you go ever, first and foremost because I Love You, always and forever, My Love.

I will not fail Braxton in giving up all that I wanted for him as well. The family he would have protected, the Daddy that he loved, the home and life that he should’ve known. Braxton’s future was written to be short. But our children will have little furbabies of their own amongst their families someday. As they will know how much their Dad loved Braxton. I don’t know how long it will be and if it will ever happen. I believe without a doubt that every house should have a pet and if I want our children to know of such a love as Braxton. Today I write, I mourn, I remember, I live, love, lust… no, not laugh. Somehow The Future Will B.

177 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tuesday, July 20, 2021

Chronicle 019 ~In Grief B Leave~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but crying into money, having our kids see my tears, or even crying to you, Love.

As the song goes, “But everyone knows that a man ain’t suppose to cry.” I know in today’s society, THEY would consider that wrong. Speaking of today, it’s what Day 170? And I’m still crying about my lost boy, my Braxton. Last night I had a realization as tears fell. Crying over B III is much like sleep. Do you think I’m nuts that it’s becoming almost a relief? Remembering B III is a way to rinse off the whole day. When I had the Day Job, I’d come back and immediately have to take a shower. With what I do now, I indeed should. It feels so wrong, using him as another excuse. Nobody would blame me for staying in bed all day mourning.

Everything seems to be coming down on me. I mean, all this work and how many days did I have off again. Only how did I spend them. In bed? That’s something we’ll work on. Considering I’ve left my somewhat celibate priest state. This led me to last night when I was working, and I was so exhausted afterward, I barely worked on the book. Braxton’s novel. Now he would find a way to distract me from writing a book. My Love, you have your ways, but again I simply want to lie down and sleep. What else is there? My Love, I know. I’m scared that I’m becoming like my Olds. It’s something to do, not pay for. Did I forget my own business?

I have forgotten everything. This is why I have to work so hard today, but it’s as if there’s Something In The Way; Nirvana plays. It’s as if the storm inside of me has changed. Acceptance is not an option, Baby Girl. When crying, it was like I was drowning. For now, yet again, it feels like; a cleansing as problems gather around me. I need to be free Love. With the mess, my eyes are making. I’m not looking for B III on the end of the bed now. Hell, all the excuses I have, if the paper is wet, it doesn’t matter. My best friend is dead. Um, isn’t that you now, my Love? Show me you’re there, please. In Grief B Leave

170 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will