Tag: Therapy

Lesson 127 ~So Many Locked Doors~

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Don’t get locked into a routine, don’t make the place where you lay your head a prison, keys can lock and they can also open, and your head is not usually one of the nicer places to visit. So Many Locked Doors but what am I keeping in?

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Lesson 127 ~So Many Locked Doors~

To Will:
No Fear but the question, to open or not to open, that is the question, now you’re not Shakespeare but all the football talk… a plague on both their houses am I right, that’s something that is never going away, no matter the man I was, am, or dare I dream to become. Already you smile, that’s good, you remember “Holly Little” from “Starship Troopers 3: Marauder” would you really trade in all your principles for a hot piece of tail, just saying.

“A plague o’ both your houses!” ― Romeo & Juliet

“Your levity is good, it relieves tension and the fear of death.” ― Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

You’re a better man than that or at least you’re trying to be, I always want you to be and do you realize what today is? Talk about being no Shakespeare, writing those poems for “Senseless” may you never feel such fear again because, at the end of the day, you need the money and no girl is worth it. Nice to be harsh about something else and not you but as for today’s lesson there are just things I can’t lock the door and throw away the key and then there are those times I just feel locked in.

Congratulations though as you have broken through your writer’s block at present, I expect to see great things in your writing despite the work schedule you’ve been cursed with. You’ve also kept something else locked in your pants, ain’t that something when you impose a hundred-word tax on a hard-on and if that also counted for a chub… You are also becoming freer, which you’ll need to bare your soul soon enough if you remember what happened this day before.

“Any place you don’t leave is a prison.” Liberal Arts

How about the idea, that you were actually considering leaving these four walls and going somewhere else to work, how about Starbucks, Books-A-Million, and lucky you the library closest is getting worked on but you need to check. You remember what they say about any place you don’t leave but I know too there is a difference between being alone and being lonely, remember that.

Plenty of stuff to remember so no wonder the writer’s block was so hard to break out of and now you are going to condemn your characters to Hell. Always remember that you can’t cut life on and off, even if you’re holding the keys, ride or get rolled on, I’m sure your fists and head will appreciate not hitting walls and locked doors but still, So Many Locked Doors.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 126 ~What’s One More Hour~

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One more hour, now tell me what are you going to do with it, other than breathing I have no clue and I don’t want to lie to you or to myself as if I’ll be looking back at this at some point. What’s One More Hour, really?

Saturday, November 4, 2017

Lesson 126 ~What’s One More Hour~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear but one more hour to try and convince myself of that, to think I keep asking for more time and then how do I spend it, well we’re here aren’t we? How many more hours shall I waste, excusing my day job which is the biggest time suck and then the time it takes to recover as though I’ve been through Hell and haven’t I?

That’s already two questions and I propose a third… what the Hell am I doing with my life, how quickly I forget which is why I keep a journal and nobody ever reads it, I’m a secret even from myself. If it’s not my body asking for more downtime, it’s my mind being left in a fog, I couldn’t hold on to a thought for the life of me. Am I once again suicidal, that’s usually a given but I am practicing a lot, what’s with all the sleep again?

Death, of course, is inevitable but so is Black Friday, a day that’s slightly better than the worse day of my entire life and last year was not a picnic. We also have another anniversary of the 5th of November, to think I almost forgot about “Senseless” and will I be telling, you know who about that past sin of mine? Of course, the simplest solution is just to work now and maybe, just maybe, there will be time enough at last, as though I was a Mr. Henry Bemis.

For being so obsessed with time as I am, I can’t help but waste it, even this moment, and I don’t mean talking to you I mean just doing what I claim to enjoy, to like, dare I say, love? I’ve spent today doing everything else saying that once it gets done I can write, cleaning my inbox, working on playlists, trying to organize everything but my words as again you can see right here.

As they say be careful what you wish for, more time, more excuses, more sleep, more dread, I can fill that time with anything and everything and then you wonder why I need to rest. Another saying, many hands make light work and yes Luna I know what that really means but how many clocks do I have and less time, what’s one more hour?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 120 ~Open Up, Say Ahh~

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The good news is I didn’t have to do much talking today but then again seeing as how people talk to signify their own lives I wonder how much longer I’ll last, maybe I should go see a doctor or not. Open Up, Say Ahh

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Lesson 120 ~Open Up, Say Ahh~

To Will:
No Fear, open up, say ahh when you have no choice but to figure things out for yourself, “Adulting” is hard and only getting harder and there’ll be days when you have to ask some older adults but for today appreciate the win. Also don’t be so quick to jump to the worse possible outcome, it keeps you alive but the anxiety only gets worse; easier said than done but don’t play WebMD whenever you can avoid it.

Open up, say ahh, to new experiences, today wasn’t much of one but how long did you listen to the “Sick Fux” playlist, if only every day you could feel like you did when “ My Boy Lollipop” was playing, something for the future wife to sing? Speaking of new experiences, when are you going to start going out again, it would be something if you were actually working but since you’re not… It can also be said since you’re not going to the doctor anytime soon, open up, say would be better served in some bedroom play perhaps ha?

Now, what was it I said about imaging the worst case scenario, which might actually be something if you weren’t enjoying being kept away from the group, working by yourself, and it makes it much easier not to be a caveman when there is nobody to talk to. Open, up, say ahh when you actually do learn something new, how often do you find yourself having the same, comfortable conversation but really what else is there with some people ad the dog? Yes, sometimes it actually is better that you keep your mouth shut during certain occasions because soon you’ll have to talk just because.

No, I don’t mean Halloween, I can’t tell you how you’re going to feel come that day and if anything you might be afraid for all the wrong reasons. One more day out of the year but today was too damn easy considering what I expected and when work gets easy, beware is the rule of thumb or has been.

I don’t know whether to tell you to be a better man, just a man, or just to stay alive but every day you should always strive to be better but not all at once, you might look in the mirror one day and not recognize the man you are, all Open Up, Say Ahh.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 119 ~Everything, Everything, But Tomorrow~

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A day of sitting on my ass and not in a good way: I wish tomorrow would never come even if it means I would feel this way for, god knows how long, I know work will be so much worse. “Everything, Everything, But Tomorrow”

Saturday, October 28, 2017

Lesson 119 ~Everything, Everything, But Tomorrow~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear but depression has made itself right at home, along with even more anxiety and whatever else happens to be wrong with me and my blog at the moment. Honestly, I’m sort of envious Maddy from Everything, Everything, only I wish this was all in someone else’s head and not just my own or my stomach.

Today has been a waste, what am I saying this whole damn week has been a waste and to think I started with such high hopes and grand aspirations. You ask me where did I go wrong and the answer might take me forever and a day, but not today, or how about the last two that I just gave away? I couldn’t even say yes to “Indiana Gone” because everything is just falling apart, of course, this isn’t helping with the anxiety, I’m trying.

Hell, I’ll have to try harder if this keeps up because of tomorrow… I remember last price changes, how gross was that day? Honestly today I’m just back to trying to make it the next five minutes, it worked in the past but now I’m back to thinking about time. I don’t have time for anything anymore and that’s because I somehow or another forgot my favorite word, NO. Of course didn’t I say “No Fear” I say that every day, still trying to make it come true and yet here we are again right?

No I’m not sick just a Pop Tart and a chicken finger decided to lead an evacuation, yes this is getting grosser but honestly, where have I spent the majority of my day? If it’s not my stomach it’s me fearing everything else, my fellow authors, my computer, and that tomorrow is coming, faster now.

The thing is I’m more than willing to accept everything, I mean all of this than what awaits me but didn’t I survive the days of Sapphire, I’ve nearly survived another year, more waste. Personally, I just want to crawl into bed and await the inevitable, even if I feel better if I had to choose between Fear, Depression, and Anxiety, let’s say Fuck, Marry, Kill Style, I’d fuck depression, marry fear, and kill Anxiety.

So what have we learned today, that I should talk to several different doctors and maybe I could them about well, Everything, Everything, But Tomorrow.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 113 ~Hungry Like the Wolf~

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When you’re hungry, thirsty, a certain sort of frustrated, where do you draw the line; I’m not saying eat people but when you want to survive that’s when you realize there is no limit. Hungry Like The Wolf… so about being a better man?

Sunday, October 22, 2017

Lesson 113 ~Hungry Like the Wolf~

To Will:
No Fear, though should we rack up your wins and losses or should we stick to the just surviving, in any case, we don’t want to die so that’s the good news. You know I’m always hoping for what’s best for you and today you have made strides in that direction but don’t fear, at least we didn’t know before but that thought truly shouldn’t be a comfort.

If anything this is a lesson in tenacity or necessity is the mother of invention, how about the idea of what it means to be wanted, you should be reminded of those days back in school from god knows when to… hell, you’re not in school anymore but you are still everyone’s go-to punchline. People are never satisfied, you know this well, there is even a rule “Satisfaction, The Death of Desire” and once we no longer desire, hunger, thirst, love, sex and anything else, we become complacent but what is wrong with that? The world isn’t built for that and neither are men, if anything we create rules, we write laws and like the Republicans are always talking about, no law will stop the bad guys but we need stronger ones, besides my liking of a ton of firepower.

Look at it this way, how does your immune system get stronger, you have to get sick and fight off the virus, here’s a good one, how do you go out and get a woman… stop watching porn, suffer, feel that want, need, and desire, and transform it into courage, as today’s lesson dictates, be hungry like the wolf, never knowing where the next meal is coming from he goes out searching. How about this, a scar shows proof that you were stronger than whatever hurt you, that you are a survivor. Now that is something you must always remember, with everything that has gone on, everything that hurts you, everything that scares you, put one foot in front of the other “Just Survive Somehow”.

Speaking of which “The Walking Dead” is something to look forward to, how about a visit from “Gospel Girl”, or the moment my email stops going off about the blog, I swear the things you didn’t know. Only what you do know, what you have learned today is the following, the “thirst” has been kicking your ass, never let desire die, it’s the fire inside you, Hungry Like the Wolf.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 112 ~Weak In The Knees~

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I suppose I just have to make room, life is getting heavier all the time and I can’t carry everything, hell there are times I don’t even want to try and yet here I am anyway. Weak In The Knees and not over some girl

Saturday, October 21, 2017

Lesson 112 ~Weak In The Knees~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear and what else is there to say, even now I’m still sitting in my bed; have you ever heard the expression, don’t know what you got till it’s gone? Good health, some semblance of dignity, what about money, how much I miss a few bucks.

The madness is all in my head of course, but you know how much I look for the worst case scenario and now my eyes hurt or I’m just imagining getting broken glass in them. Yes I know, ouch but that hasn’t happened but it is moving closer to Halloween an how about the idea of losing all your guts, yeah as I told Lady Sophia, no more eating at work. Maybe it is too bad that I don’t have nightmares because I’m oversleeping all the time except to go to work or take care of my son of course.

I swear I was at the vet the other day and my voice was reaching so high up trying to catch any air, my anxiety, of course, was wearing me down. What about cutting the grass and my lungs were burning, all the times I have seen death and when I finally feel like I’m dying it’s doing the household chores, that would’ve been a jip.

Speaking of getting robbed, is life just getting more expensive or what, empires may be built out of stone but if that’s the case what is happening to all my gold, already this is going to be the worse year yet from a financial standpoint. It’s no secret that I’m a bit of a miser but I’m also gentlemen and again this begs the question why do I continue in my day job if I’m unhappy with the situation? This again goes back to my anxiety, after the days I have here I am not lovesick but living like a man just waiting for the grim reaper to show.

If you’re going to do what it takes to survive, why not live if you’re going to be sick at least feel like you’re missing something other than making a few pennies at work. So have I learned this yet or maybe there is something deeper and more meaningful but that’s just another job I’m not doing because there is getting to be too much Lady Lu, and sooner or later, I’ll just fall down, that’s where she’ll find me, not Weak In The Knees.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 106 ~Bright Side Of Life~

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Every cloud has a silver lining or so they say but seriously and I Judas or what, sacrificing yet another son of God… yeah, that’s enough of the religious imagery, anyway I’m just trying to find the good “Bright Side Of Life”

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Lesson 106 ~Bright Side Of Life~

To Will:
No Fear, when it hurt to breathe today there was nothing, of course even now I’m different but we do share the same fear of everything else but why not death? Maybe life is torture and you’re a sadist, not a masochist and even that is brought into question; why, because you’re still here, but why is this?

“A man who does not have something for which he is willing to die is not fit to live.”
― from Martin Luther King Jr

You’ll get no pressure from me, telling you to go out there and find a reason to live, besides Braxton but isn’t he a good enough reason to keep going? So today I want to offer… not encouragement, but look at it this way, beauty isn’t going anywhere right? Money was made last week and you’re going to make more this week, and as the song goes money making is a wonderful thing, for sure.

You’re always writing, you have kept your commitment for one more week which means you’re actually capable of something. How about cutting the yard which gives you two fewer things to worry about, the neighbors and something happening to Braxton. Maybe you should give your “Have A Nice Day” playlist another listen, it’s been a while and you’re not really living up to the gangsta level, that’s just a thought.

Speaking of being one sort of man, are you ever going to let the caveman evolve or what, yes people are dumb and I guess the world makes it seem like idiocy cannot be fought and that’s how people like Trump stay in charge. On the bright side you’ve been less stressed for several reasons, some we’re not too proud of but I’m not here to admonish you either, another plus, reading brings new words.

Should I give you a goal, not like you would keep it, though I do have at least one only if you need something tangible, this week we have to get “The Seven” off the ground, it would help if we got the whole blog up and running but at least The Seven? More bright side, what did I say about new books, remember our own Alice in Wonderland, women would be a nice way to die to be sure.

So what did I learn, yes your new goal which is simple and heartbreaking but here it goes “Stay Alive”, you’re not as brave as Katniss Everdeen but as always you know to look on the Bright Side Of Life.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 105 ~Only Human After All~

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Everything breathes and I know each breath as the song goes but no I don’t, I keep breathing and it seems each one breath just gets harder as the days go by, but I’m a man and not a monster, usually. Only Human After All

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Lesson 105 ~Only Human After All~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear but I did miss the hell out of you this past week and I wish I could remember most of it; should I go back to the old way, seeing as how I have yet to give the others any real form or substance? I could say that about myself, because isn’t it weird, you remember life but not how to live, and while you don’t remember how you survived, when you need to, you do it, without any hesitation.

If we’re talking about today, I made my bed, I can’t remember who said this but always start by making your bed, or walking Braxton depending on the day, yard work, the chores as usual. Can’t say I have much to be proud of this week other than I made money and I’m still here and that is what matters isn’t it, even if that is all there is. Have I been living the rules… I must admit I’ve retreated back to form either because of people’s idiocy and of course my own exhaustion really.

You ever stop to think, maybe that’s why the caveman never spoke or let’s say took the time to establish a language, considering every breath was so precious. It makes sense in the realm of monsters as well since zombies don’t breathe, neither do vampires, what about a few staples of monster movie “folklore” and other monsters are only beasts, so do they see breath the same way that we do, you know what I mean. Humans are the only ones that might think about it, like time, an animal breathes never knowing what breath might be their last, then again I know that animals treasure memories, while I forget.

This is what makes us worse Lady Lu, humans I mean, we anesthetize with anything and everything just to get by, I can tell you the last movie I watched, the last book I read, the last dumb decision that made me feel good but everything else is just dull or fear. Isn’t that why I’m keeping a journal and I don’t want to come back and read it, I only look to surviving tomorrow.

So what have I learned today, that I’m guilty and would be a worthy victim for John Kramer/The Jigsaw Killer, again with the pop culture Luna, Only Human After All?

Lesson 099 ~Kill You Right Now~

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Some days I die and am born anew, other days I am resurrected, but today I’m not sure if I like the man I am but tomorrow I will have to be braver, and I shouldn’t try to weaken that man today. “Kill You Right Now”, no I still have work tonight

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Lesson 099 ~Kill You Right Now~

To Will:
No Fear and so I ask who the hell do you think you’re talking to and why is this even a lesson, and Luna must be feeling pretty bad right now. To be honest, I haven’t even seen you today and I was just about to go outside looking like whatever, didn’t I even want to try and I don’t know be better.

Well, look better because being better is going to take a lot more time and courage than I have today and already I know you’re going to braver. Which brings us back to the question, who the hell am I talking to because, if you are my future I salute your courage, I pity what tomorrow will bring but you will be braver than me I know that much is certain. So what is all this talk about killing, I mean whoever I am this moment, do I want to die, I know the man yesterday didn’t want to, what’s the name of this one, Hurricane Nate and we both want what’s best for Braxton.

Maybe I need to find our similarities, rather than our differences because again you will be strong and I’m weak, you’ll be forced into courage, and for now, I don’t have to be, you’ll be stressed out and I’m just going to be so tired. You’ll work harder though, while I get to dick around on my computer and as I think about our mutual friend, there is always hope isn’t there? I suppose I’ll have blue balls and you might meet someone, I get to laugh about and you’ll be a nervous wreck, what the Hell am I saying.

I want you to be better than me Will, can you promise me that, maybe that’s the lesson, I’m still talking to me but I can already see the damage I’m doing to you, psyching you out and you have a week that you need to survive. No, I say survive but I want you to live, I want to stop hurting you and instead imagine the future that awaits you; I’ll worry about five minutes but you live four days for that is what is required, it’s not fair.

You’ll be richer which is a plus, I won’t kill me or you because there is hope for you yet just too much to want to kill you right now.

I Will Have No Fear

 

Lesson 098 ~What Would Blankman Do~

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I greet a different man in the mirror every morning, that is when I can bear to look at him at all, he could be a caveman, a villain, probably some hero without a name, and how long did my job get my name wrong? What Would Blankman Do

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Lesson 098 ~What Would Blankman Do~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear but being honest, it’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday as the song goes but you know what I think, sometimes it’s just too damn easy if you’re me.

So I’m at Walmart today… yeah, what was I thinking but anyway I hear this man, tell his kid, “is that something Jesus would do” and easily enough I kept my mouth shut. Now I could go on and on about comparing ourselves to others, Jesus, Santa to get presents, superheroes, yes I read my own lesson title and to quote another song, it’s not easy to be me. Even in my latest novella, I make myself into a monster but if I were to be any sort of man, it would surely be the human Braxton deserves and the man my future wife might be waiting on; high hopes.

With that being said, I’ve often talked about being a better man than I was yesterday but today I actually miss that guy because he actually got some work done, five thousand words and today, well there’s you and my anxiety. The constant state of things, not that you’re necessarily bad, considering how we got back together but I was so proud of myself yesterday and while I could be whoever I wanted to today again just shows who I am. I want to ask the question what would I do but I’m not ready and again the whole point of this is to stop comparing myself to others right?

Someone once said “Don’t try to be a great man. Just be a man, and let history make its own judgments.” Star Trek First Contact

It still scares me so Luna, who I might be becoming, the craziness, I mean I’m a writer, there is no doubt in my mind about that but truly, I’m going to have seven personalities, nearly all women to write now? I’ve said it so many times I wouldn’t leave you and I’ll still be writing every day just different facets and including my past, present, or future me, I’m still not certain really. Do you think one day they’ll be asking the question ‘what would Willie do’ they don’t ask that about Shakespeare these days?

We’ll talk the same time next week and I’ll probably be burdened, should I call this an experiment perhaps. So what have I learned today, I’ve never asked what would Jesus do, my story is about what she thought I would do, and you know what I’ll do tomorrow so Lady Lu, until next Saturday, goodbye, I’ll still be me but What Would Blankman Do?

I Will Have No Fear