Category: Lady Lu

Lesson 065 ~Give Up, Get Off~

WillLeave a comment

Well, why do men do most things, take a chest full of gold, world domination, for me you could put Jennifer Lawrence at the finish line… though I would take all three honestly. Give Up, Get Off, I’ve done one and I am trying not to do the other

Monday, September 4, 2017

Lesson 065 ~Give Up, Get Off~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear… no shame, no pride, no real movement but there is a belief, there is faith, suppose I see why the Christians do it, though it’s a lot easier when you’re not threatened. Don’t worry, I’m not about to go on some political tirade or talk about such and such from Columbine, today’s lesson is about giving up, and getting off.

“Sometimes, when you win, you lose.
Sometimes when you lose, you win.” – Annie Nielsen, What Dreams May Come (1998)

Biology maybe, not just these lustful urges but how I have given up so many things in my life and I’m sure I could come up with a million at excuses, and while I may be somewhat of a pop culture whore, YOLO. You only live once isn’t that what they all say and even if I do something those million times out of pleasure (don’t flatter myself right) what is so wrong with feeling good for a while? Especially when it helps with the thinking process, so maybe tomorrow my world will be looking a lot better or so I am trying, and I should be grateful, I am.

“First you have to give up, first you have to *know*… not fear… *know*… that someday you’re gonna die.” – Tyler Durden, Fight Club (1999)

The choices that people have to make every day and for the most part I dealing with only first world problems and the devil’s luck. You know how I have been trying to talk more my lady but what if I had yesterday; what was I supposed to say to the cashier “excuse me but you gave me too much money” I made nearly a hundred bucks for keeping my mouth shut, perhaps that was karma for helping out a friend. I’m no millionaire like Joel Osteen but I actually felt pretty bad when I wouldn’t even donate a dollar to the Hurricane Harvey Relief, probably shouldn’t have said that.

If anything that brings up another interesting point, not a day goes by when I’m not flooded with petitions, causes I believe in, authors asking for my opinion after reading some of my reviews, the list goes on. Have I ever said I wanted to save the world, I know I probably have said I’m more the villain but does it make you the villain to know you can’t save everyone, maybe just don’t look?

“It’s the worst. It ain’t fair, but you can’t kill yourself. Sometimes you’ve just got to let go and let God take care of it. You’ve got to accept it.” – Lester, John Q (2002)

 

What have we learned today, I might get off but I haven’t given up, I’m grateful to be me and not them strangely enough and before you label me a complete louse I put up my money to save three and I think that should be enough for now I think; Give Up, Get Off.

“I came here to save my wife and my two children and… seven billion lives… it’s too much. I just hope I’m, I’m smart enough and brave enough to save three.” Serge Leveque, The Core

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 064 ~What A Wonderful Rut~

WillLeave a comment

I see empty roads, not a person true, okay excuse me for trying to rewrite a song but it truly was a beautiful world with no people in it, not the usual state of things but it’s our routine to walk in the morning Braxton and I. “What A Wonderful Rut”

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Lesson 064 ~What A Wonderful Rut~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear and don’t call it a comeback, or God’s plan the way I live my life, and what some would call a rut I would sing What A Wonderful World. Not all sunshine and lollipops, but they’re not all they’re cracked up to be either and I could all be doing better I suppose, I am by no means satisfied but comfort is doing any favors.

I should probably make a new rule just for that, seems I’ve been getting lazy, you should have seen me yesterday but I am finding my writing voice again to a certain degree, just too bad you haven’t seen much of that here yet. What this is only the third day, I wonder how long the pilgrims stayed on the boat, what about Martin Luther King Jr. might have been comfortable just being a small town preacher. Some yes some people might indeed call it a rut but maybe it’s just “prudent planning” and it’s not like anyone is telling me to remake the world?

I suppose you have to imagine what God’s typical day must have been like for him to go about creating this Sims universe, at first it’s pretty exciting, then you’re Johnny on the spot having to micro manage everything, then you’re letting the world run itself and finally you go all “Mortal Kombat” with your death scenarios or you’re just watching it burn for the Hell of it. Today I imagined paradise as Braxton and I walked along watching a world gone to rapture, just let me keep Braxton and maybe I should get an engineering degree and we would be just fine. No, my dear Lady Luna I want to be a writer but to be fair I never went to school for that either and any real writing I did even left me in the counselor’s office or gave me the juvenile blues, and now I’ve grown up.

Yes, of course, I say that but handling responsibility doesn’t make you a grown up or a man, we do what we have to and repeating the same thing over and over, does that count as practice or downright insanity. Call it what you will with my life or my survival, the fact remains at least I’m still here right?

So what I have learned today, is that in a way I want it that way, with a few tweaks so, What A Wonderful Rut.

 

Lesson 063 ~New World’s Price Tag~

WillLeave a comment

Porn Star’s good graces $250.00, a new website $80.00, being nice $500.00, my dog’s life, priceless, though that’s not entirely true, keeping him healthy and groomed and I’ve been able to handle everything so far. New World’s Price Tag

Saturday, September 2, 2017

Lesson 063 ~New World’s Price Tag~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear and nothing we can’t do without but still I can’t help but imagine the possibilities, all the things that you could have done, should be doing and will be at some point. Suppose I still have the ability to surprise myself from time to time, buying into this world or at least it’s people maybe.

“What’s the threat? We all sell out every day, might as well be on the winning team.” They Live (1988)

I’ve never had a problem with the concept of buying a woman, no I haven’t ever been that sort of man, not for lack of trying, I mean all guys pay for it, take Valentine’s Day for example, though that’s not a popular sentiment in any case. I consider myself a simple man to a certain degree like I told “Indiana Gone” if I can live without it, I’ll save my money. I’ve had my fair share of being an idiot though, I spent money on a porn star once for her birthday, I don’t suppose I can defend myself saying that she is the perfect woman, the goddess right?

“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” – Tony Montana, Scarface (1983)

Anyway for today’s lesson, sometimes I spend money like there is no tomorrow, I mean why not live it up right when I usually believe that the world is going to end in five minutes or less. What about the idea that we spend money on the things, on the people that we care about, and for some reason that does always come back to women for me but I’m not a total schlub? That’s why I’m so surprised, on you Lady Lu I’m still creating a place and you’re fictional along with several other women who will inhabit this world, for another, well maybe a few you can call it madness, and on yet another, a friend needs help and I give it without every be asking, I know Joel Osteen can take a lesson from this I think.

“If a man expects his woman to be an angel in his life, he first must create a heaven for her. Angels don’t live in hell.” – an unknown quote

Maybe that’s what I’m trying to figure out Luna, I mean Braxton is my son and no price is too high, though I fear the day something comes to pass where I won’t have enough to give. He’s probably the one thing on earth that I finance without an ulterior motive but then what was I thinking yesterday with my friend?

Hell, what about this place, what have I learned today, in the end, Luna, the New World’s Price Tag.

Lesson 062 ~Rome in A Day~

WillLeave a comment

If it took God six days why am I in such a rush, blasphemous, yes perhaps but compared to other crimes I’m accused of or actually did I’m quite comfortable with this one, but not at how my world is looking so far. “Rome in A Day”, so much to be seen.

Friday, September 1, 2017

Lesson 062 ~Rome in A Day~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear and don’t be mad at me, disappointed for sure but not mad, maybe frustrated, but as they say, Rome was not built in a day and here I was trying for three hours maybe less but life happens. It could always be so much worse or so I was checking my stats from our former abode, whatever was I worried about but I should be if I’m going to get somewhere, being the boss *sigh*.

Let’s just say that today I got quite the lesson in fiction but I wonder how long it actually took to build Rome, no wonder Romans grew lazy after everything was said and done. As I said things can always be worse and I’m not burning down an empire, for now, I am attempting to build and you would think I have more than enough stones. Dare I call myself a prophet for yesterday, that was me in a rush and I’m still rushing but it’s going to take time.

Everything feels brand new, I mean I’m starting from scratch trying to learn the tricks of the trade and what about my considerable resources? We’re not in any danger and actually, I’m doing a pretty good thing today or maybe I’m just being an idiot; we’ll see, won’t we? I was telling “Indiana Gone” that I cannot be sitting here a year from now without making some serious strides, not even that do I step or do I leap forward?

“There are those who take steps, and those who make the great leap forward.
Those who stay as they are and those who become more than they ever thought possible.
They discover, explore, compete and are fearless.
There are those satisfied by common pursuits.
And those for whom the extraordinary will never be enough.
So ask yourself, will you step or will you leap?” Xbox One – E3 Jump Ahead

Today has been a leap and I’m still trying to calm myself down a bit but rule number three “now the real work begins” and I can’t let up, not even a little bit, not even at all but already I’m so tired. Will I replace fear for laziness, not at all Lady Lu, I swore that I’m going to do this and that is what is going to happen.

I make myself sound so serious don’t I but haven’t I been, even if I’ve been taking things a bit too seriously but that’s what it takes to be a man. I’m going to have to get used to this too, already we don’t have the whole day but of course, the news is, I got a real website now and whatever am I going to do with it now building Rome in A Day…

Lesson 061 ~How to Say ‘Anything’~

WillLeave a comment

Not so much a goodbye, more a see you later, because I’m looking forward to the new world and the commute is killing me, what I have a lot to say to make believe people but I need more. How to Say Anything like what I want to say even if it’s fiction

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Lesson 061 ~How to Say ‘Anything’~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear and no more long talks, I’m sure you can use the break and so can I, of course, I’ll spare you the platitudes as if I had any to offer, it’s not you, it’s me or something like that. I can’t say I have much experience in this area, what breaking up, no talking in general which is what this lesson should be about instead of one long goodbye letter.

Not that this is goodbye at all, I’m not leaving you high and dry, but it probably sucks to say I’m expanding my horizons and I don’t expect to pull a “Lily Aldrin” I intend to stick with writing, here we are at 61 days and counting. If I could write one poem a day for a year then I should be able to do this you would think and I still have my novel that is sorely in need of editing. Tomorrow begins the time of “Sapphire” which seems prudent to begin my new path, my new course of action and I will be sharing that with you obviously.

“Learn to value yourself, which means: fight for your happiness.”
― Ayn Rand (1905 – 1982)

The thing is while I’m damn near an expert on what not to say, which is why I prefer silence, I’m not exactly sure how to say what I need to say, other than just to just write and even then? For the record, keeping with the “How I Met Your Mother” motif, I’ve been thinking about pulling a “Tony Grafanello”, you know when he wrote “The Wedding Bride” but wouldn’t that be revisionist history? I told you about The O.C. that fictional book “A Season for Peaches”, I’ve been down that road before and I wouldn’t give anyone the satisfaction of that endeavor, probably.

So I tell you goodbye to long talk, the gist for today but what else is there to say, even if most days I’m just a big box of gibberish. That’s not going to change tomorrow, now it will just be some more fictional gibberish maybe, at least creatively speaking.

“I… I promised a friend I would say hello to you today.

Please say hello to me.

Please say hello to me.” I Am Legend

Honesty has never been the best policy; I mean unless we’re children because children are gifted fearlessness but adults, I was just telling a friend that suddenly people want to get to know me, spooky? Take the movie “The Invention of Lying”, maybe I should lay off the pop culture but that’s just my point, why can’t I just say what needs to be said truthfully.

“I give the truth, scope!” – A Knight’s Tale (2001)

The truth is the straight and narrow path, as straight as any line I dare to come up with, and maybe that’s telling, most of my titles are four words, my rules are five, or maybe I’m reading too much into this. How about the idea that I’m not a caveman, one of my rules but then again, it was the cavemen that got us to this point wasn’t it? You can also say people are always talking about action over words but some words lead many to “regrettable” actions.

Honestly, though I feel good about taking my writing so seriously, even if I am just talking to myself, just this morning I was thinking about my novellas, short stories, whatever they’re going to be, my novel, and I even want to participate in NaNoWriMo this year. Of course, those are just words I need to act and I will at least with my blog, even now I’m excited but also nervous hoping I can keep this promise to myself to actually do something. How to make a promise, now that is something I should learn how to do, I mean years ago it was just, another and another poem, and I committed without saying anything at all really.

Maybe I should look at it, as being a child again, you want the truth, yeah I snitched on some guys today and why did I do that, there was nothing in it for me. I know something you don’t know, isn’t that just like up in this day and age, we all want to tell what we know, to explore, to discover, that hasn’t changed “An Undiscovered Me” right.

“There’s nothing as pure and as cruel as a child.” Cowboy Bebop, Pierrot le Fou

So back to the lesson how to say anything, okay you want to know how to make friends, at least if you’re me that is, this is how it goes.

Don’t say anything, people fear the quiet the way I fear noise so they will do anything to fill it and by remaining silent, you can make them do all the work, part of the reason I snitched today, but that was actually me working and them talking so there’s that. If you give people a word they will jump on it like a starving dog, but what they’re really feasting on is you so make sure to get plenty of bed rest. Also, keep in mind to let them form their own opinions of you, never speak your mind, friend to pervert in 60 Days or Less, book idea…

“Go for it” “You can do it”? That’s not inspirational, that’s suicidal. If pickles goes for it right there, that’s a dead cat. These are lies. We’re liars. Think about it. Why do people buy these things? It’s not ’cause they wanna say how they feel. People buy cards ’cause they can’t say how they feel or they’re afraid to. We provide the service that lets them off the hook. You know what? I say to hell with it. Let’s level with America. At least let them speak for themselves! Right? I mean, look! What-What is this? What does it say? “Congratulations on your new baby.” Right? How ’bout, “Congratulations on your new baby. Guess that’s it for hanging out. Nice knowing you.”

Sit down, Hansen.

How about this one, with all the pretty hearts on the front? I think I know where this one’s going. Yep! “Happy Valentines Day, sweetheart. I love you.” That sweet? Ain’t love grand? This is exactly what I’m talking about. What does that even mean, “love”? Do you know? Do you? Anybody?

Tom…

If somebody gave me this card, Mr. Vance, I would eat it. It’s these cards, and the movies and the pop songs, they’re to blame for all the lies and the heartache, everything. We’re responsible. *I’m responsible.* I think we do a bad thing here. People should be able to say how they feel, how they really feel, not you know, some words that some stranger put in their mouths. Words like “love”… that don’t mean anything. Sorry, I’m sorry. I, uh… I quit. I’m… There’s enough bullshit in the world without my help.” – from 500 Days of Summer (2009)

One of these days I have to learn how not to apologize, yes this makes me a hypocrite better forgiveness than permission but even now I still feel that twinge, stuff that I feel guilty for, regret, stuff that isn’t my fault etc. Maybe I could just stop doing wrong but who am I “Dante” strange I could be perfectly find hiding in my room not saying anything and I would never do anything wrong and still wind up going to Hell isn’t that right?

I say I love you to Braxton and I prove it, I say I love myself by trying to make things better rather than just surviving, I sound like one of those people that will be repeating that in the mirror. If I need three little words learn how to say I am brave, I am worthy, I am needed, I am here, I am alive, I’m still breathing, and a few choice words from my novel as well. I haven’t given up trying to learn how to talk to people, I’m still trying every day, though, for the most part, I need to relax.

“Thou art courageous.” The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

So what have we learned today Lady Lu, other than I’m not good at good byes and that tomorrow will be a new world, I think it’s time to time to learn, and maybe I’ll know “How to Say Anything”.

I Will Have No Fear
“Cause you wanted more
More than I could give
More than I could handle
In a life that I can’t live
You wanted more
More than I could bear
More than I could offer” Tonic

400 Words from here on Lady Lu, Good Bye Friend

Lesson 060 ~My Work Release Program~

WillLeave a comment

This is not a test but it’s also not an emergency either, however, I did have a bit of a release today a sigh of relief as of sorts but who knows what tomorrow may bring, the days of Sapphire. “My Work Release Program” no life should be a prison

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Lesson 060 ~My Work Release Program~

“You know the funny thing about morphin’? You don’t appreciate it till you can’t do it anymore!” – Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie (1995)

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear and I never thought I’d say this but work was actually liberating today and no I don’t mean my dream job but the day job for once. Of course writing is a sense of freedom which is what I told “Okay” though to be honest I’ve been terrified, still am in a way but how many times have I quoted Cypher Raige, to you Luna.

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity Kitai. Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice. We are all telling ourselves a story and that day mine changed.” Cypher Raige, After Earth (2013)

Work is Hell but when it’s all you know… am I grateful, money, security, indeed life as I know it, maybe it makes sense to keep my mouth shut you know? I said once it wasn’t fear that was holding me back but maybe common sense, and I don’t know where I’d be without it, embracing a fear to actually combat a danger that is quite real. My father is that danger and while I hope one day to be fearless and face that danger, I will stick with freedom.

This type of freedom at least, where would I be without it… well, it’s been sixty days since this new beginning, truth be told I wish I had kept my mouth shut, and in the days to come, I will. No, I’m not abandoning you again Luna but I’m onto bigger things, not necessarily better but bigger, if I’m ever going to get anywhere in this life. When I’m talking to you or truly writing, I don’t know whether I’m signing my own death sentence or this is truly my liberation, it could always be one in the same right?

Anyway, this is today’s lesson, work, and release; isn’t that the dominant way, you’re given power for that gift you give something in return and then let go of everything and you and yours are much better off. Maybe you just throw yourself in prison willing only to be released and what happens to most after they released, they wind up going back, easily enough.

“Thank you, but I prefer it my way.” Andre Baptiste Sr., Lord of War (2005)

Sometimes you hang on to something so long, you forget how liberating it can be to just let go, if anything it depends on the thing but I got a lesson in that today, not to mention I’m getting older. My mom would tell me I have a tendency to take my “grievances” out on those who never erred, and I agree to a certain extent, that’s not right but we talked about the experience.

For example, I was so angry with someone today, maybe I was just tired and hot, and hell I’ve been on edge as of late. So anyway I’m leaving, and just sitting in my car and this person says I dropped my shirt, seriously that was it, I said thank you, went and retrieved my shirt from the street and all my anger just left, okay I was cooling and resting but environment considered, I made the choice to let my anger go. Why was it so easy, time heals all wounds… ten minutes sheesh, that’s like a record for me, and the world didn’t end, of course, there is always tomorrow, the day after?

“Oh, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at its zenith when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us.” – Ralphie

That’s the problem isn’t it, the moment you let go, the moment you think the lion sleeps is when you become grade A beef. Talk about having some beef right, but if it helps any wasn’t Facebook started because a guy had a grudge and why do you think so many horror movies are just monsters with axes to grind or trying to live again? How would it feel if everyone just let all that “energy” go, why do you think that society spends so much trying to numb us?

We are given the energy to work, and when we’re finished, whatever lives inside of us, I don’t know, but as they say, hearts were given cages for a reason, and brains are surrounded by white walls. I don’t think I’m alone in my reasoning but that’s part of the reason I’m here talking to you because what people think.

Anyway I am breathing a bit easier, can’t get soft though, can’t think everything is okay and at the moment the tea is helping, I’m becoming a big tea drinker now. This is yet another one of those times though I wish I could be a typical guy, sports, drinking, women, yet another reason I’m a writer… seriously am I even starting to write all these reasons down at all.

As I said I’m getting older but not much has changed, when I was back in school, I’d do whatever, then come back and just pass out, sleep has always been my number one go to, except for “Senseless” but that only lasted a day. What would it truly be like to just let go of everything, sleep just puts it on the backburner and here’s another thing if I let it go today it will still be there tomorrow because people are people. Maybe it’s not so much me letting go than being Atlas and the world just keeps getting bigger and bigger and when you drop it, the consequences, how to cope 101.

A prisoner is released and finds that there is no longer a place for him, not trying to sound like those late night/early morning commercials but men can no longer be men, same with women, the whole human race. The Purge doesn’t say be human it says to “release the beast”, now, of course, I’m not a villain but look at the violence, look at other methods we have to be… I don’t know to make us what passes for normal. Then we have my writing, my conversations with you that have led to everything else, so you say “I hope you feel cleansed” and do I feel that honestly?

If we’ve learned anything, after this, I’m usually tired, I feel drained and we go on to the next day, sometimes better, sometimes worse, I wish there was a better release but again I am not the typical guy. I’m just me, my life today, wish I could have done better, these papers won’t be so long after tomorrow I’m on My Work Release Program.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 059 ~How to Measure Someday~

WillLeave a comment

Why someday and not today, all I can promise is soon, how long did it take to write the greatest novels, to build Rome, or for one to know themselves, hell is anybody waiting for me? How to Measure Someday

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Lesson 059 ~How to Measure Someday~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear… are we there yet, how about now, maybe, possibly; anyway this is the rule I am constantly breaking, rule 001 “I Will Have No Fear” and even now I’m tempted to say someday I won’t be afraid only I might as well say never. Today’s lesson is based on another rule “Someday Is Not a Measurement” so the question becomes how do I measure progress, success, where I’m going today.

I will say there were more peaceful days when I was doing my impression of Tom Sawyer, just sitting on a rock, basking in the sun, writing, it’s always easier when you start out. From there it was locking myself in my room, just sitting in bed, to now, I’m actually typing at my makeshift desk because I intend to make something of myself. One day, not someday but one day I intend to be sitting in Books-A-Million or Target, doing book signings, a return to paper and pen, though there is nothing wrong with Kindle or any other E-Readers.

Someday
When my life has passed me by
I’ll lay around and wonder why you were always there for me
One way
In the eyes of a passerby
I’ll look around for another try
And fade away – Sugar Ray, Someday

Once upon a time, I thought about wartime journalism, for the life of me I can’t imagine why, Jake Sisko or Joseph L. Galloway, even back then I didn’t want to hurt anybody but I felt I could show the world. Sad to say I just found words to be my weapon of choice, you know the pen is mightier than the sword… and then I found blogging, lost it and what about now? I propose to be a novelist, how many things have I already written, how many will I write, one-day m novels will be everywhere, “write where they will see”, yes my lady that’s another new rule.

“Can’t take no pictures lying down there, sonny. Down, right there.

I’m a noncombatant, sir.

Ain’t no such thing today, boy.” We Were Soldiers (2002)

This is why writing is so exhausting for me, it’s strapping up, it’s preparing for a war and I’m looking forward to peace, once there once was, and then women happened. Anxiety is a bitch but not the women I associate with… usually; if a dog is a blank check for love a woman is a wellspring of inspiration indeed.

Speaking of women, a man can tell a lot about himself by the women he does associate himself with, by the women in his world, and the women he creates worlds for; what exactly does that mean for this man.

“A man’s strength can be measured by his appetites. Indeed, a man’s strength *flows* from his appetites.” Enter The Dragon

So yes I was but a boy when I discovered Hentai, the earliest I can remember is “Ayeka Masaki Jurai” (Princess Ayeka), again I can’t tell you why but something about her just spoke to me and someday didn’t exist. Well, I take that back, one day I was going to buy every hentai under the sun… okay steal maybe but I was quickly thinking about all the things I would do for a woman. On that note, as actual women are concerned she has to be into hentai, a woman you can watch anything with is surely a must.

As I moved onto real women and I was one for courtly love, now in this area I truly need to take a step back unless I want to start writing so other guys can get laid. One day that was going to be me but honestly the sweetest words… not to mention the angriest words; can I go a day without feeling like Trump, “Fake News” and something I said being taken out of context, let’s stay up Luna.

When I think about the novel I finished writing, see that makes me laugh at one girl’s vanity, I literally created a harem of fictional girls and the things I did to them just wrong in every sense of the word. Anyway, my point is I went from hentai to real girls which were not at all fun, to now, I think I offended another friend yesterday but she’s a good friend. One day is actually starting to sound like someday but anyway, I will share with you my type, when I’m feeling bolder some.

“It’s not my place to ask. I believe in something greater than myself. A better world. A world without sin.

So me and mine gotta lay down and die… so you can live in your better world?

I’m not going to live there. There’s no place for me there… any more than there is for you. Malcolm… I’m a monster. What I do is evil. I have no illusions about it, but it must be done.” – from Serenity (2005)

 

 

Manhood is a constant evolution, the problem is learning, rejection, humiliation, success that’s why I have to keep moving forward.

There was a time when I was all sunshine and lollipops and I wonder what the someday was then, it was never chains and whips excite me but they do.

I thought my story of turkeys taking over the world would be a bestseller at one point and I threw it all away because it didn’t mean any standards, namely my own. I wrote several other books but nothing that was ever… seriously I don’t have the words but I was actually paid for my work. If you want to know my biggest someday it will be publishing that one-hundred and twenty-thousand-word novel just sitting here waiting for me Luna.

It would certainly be better than counting the days of no apologies or being caught up in someone else’s madness and adopting it as my own. How about someday I won’t be preparing arguments for my defense, or ways to beg and plead my way out of something; that day still has yet to arrive.

Someday it won’t be opening up a vein and letting the contents spill onto the page, I still have that tick of shaking my head to dislodge so many bad memories. I know I’ll be better when I’m like E.L. James, talk all the shit you want about “Fifty Shades of Grey” fifty million copies, let’s say four bucks a pop, two hundred million, I would write whatever I want to write. Speaking of which that is the dream, not just in print but in my own voice, to not be afraid to say whatever I want, the things I’m actually holding back Lady Lu.

The thing is my name is already out there, and I think is it the people who love you or the people who hate you is How to Measure Someday.

“Let’s take what we have while we live. I have never had so much as now. All my life I’ve been alone. Many times I’ve faced my death with no one to know. I would look into the huts and the tents of others in the coldest dark and I would see figures holding each other in the night. And I always passed by. You and I, we have warmth. That’s so hard to find in this world. Please. Let someone else pass by in the night. Let us take the world by the throat and make it give us what we desire.” – Valeria, from Conan the Barbarian (1982)

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 058 ~To Be Counted On~

WillLeave a comment

Counting the days until, such and such a day because I think I’m someday is not a measurement, at least not a good one, maybe I should try for something sooner. “To Be Counted On”, and I mean more than on my fingers and toes I suppose.

Monday, August 28, 2017

Lesson 058 ~To Be Counted On~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear but why aren’t we counting the number of times I’ve said that why aren’t we counting how many rules it’s going to take for the new me, why aren’t we counting the days I can stay upbeat. How about we count the number of missed opportunities, well not really missed perhaps but one friend told me today that I wasn’t in a talkative mood… me.

I’m actually a bit too lazy to go back and count, okay maybe a little frightened, I’m still positive you know “Easy Street” but for the most part I have been counting anything to take me away from, that day, and for once I’m not talking about “Sapphire”, we’ll get to that. So far I have around Sixty-Four rules, and I actually have a plan to have three hundred and sixty-five, which I will later condense into something more manageable. If I was still depressed Lady Lu, we’d be talking in bed but I’m actually dressed, being productive, not so much for society but for myself, as I was telling my friend today, I don’t remember happy but I’m okay and even that’s a guess.

I heard once that idle hands are the devil’s playthings but that also goes to the mind, you remember that lady in the parking lot, was I working as hard then, I have to keep my mind occupied at all times it seems. This is probably what “Okay” was talking about that I wasn’t okay though she surprised me a bit noticing I was a completely different person, there was no drive, my biology was to be damned, and I kept my distance. I did confess to her which is why I’m fighting to keep the power of positivity; four words “Don’t Worry Be Happy”.

Have you noticed that I tend to keep our conversations to four-word titles and my rules to five words, seriously where do I get these numbers for things? Only one number matters at all in this age and that is NUMBER ONE, which explains how I got into this mess, to be ahead of somebody.

“What do you mean, “fuck this Employee of the Month shit”, man? When there’s some shit to be won, Goddamnit, I want it. I don’t give a fuck what it is. Y’know what I’m talkin’ about? I take no prisoners. I go hard doing this shit. Big dog. Big nuts. When names are on a mother-fuckin’ board I want to see my name at the top of that motherfucker and next to it, it needs to say “Winner”.” Lamar Davis

This, of course, brings us to the days counting down to Sapphire, I wonder are we as human beings conditioned to anticipate that day, I have all sorts of feelings. I know I keep saying Sapphire instead of the day… okay, that clears things up and did you know there are no good strip clubs around these parts, that’s sad.
“For you, the day Bison graced your village was the most important day of your life. But for me, it was Tuesday.” Street Fighter (1994)

I’ve been counting the things in my Amazon Wish List, when I’m not quoting the company line “Impossible, Immoral, Illegal, Insane”, let’s add one more I, “Inane” at least to some people, to me, I’m just greedy. How about being pricey, as the song goes… if I were a rich man, besides the “M Anime” says I’m hard to shop for, when did I grow to become so complicated? As far as friends go, I might have a handle on two “Indiana Gone” and “Gospel Girl” which in truth means I’m still doing well, two girls last year so I should call this a win, no not like that Lu.

“What would you do if you had a million dollars?

I’ll tell you what I’d do, man: two chicks at the same time, man.

That’s it? If you had a million dollars, you’d do two chicks at the same time?

Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; ’cause chicks dig dudes with money.

Well, not all chicks.

Well, the type of chicks that’d double up on a dude like me do.

Good point.

Well, what about you now? What would you do?

Besides two chicks at the same time?” – from Office Space (1999)

So besides counting a lack of options on strip clubs, I could go so many places but I have no clue what so ever, maybe I should count them. Maybe I should count the numbers of years I’ve been hanging around but can I trust you with that information… secrets are lies but this is not a secret, necessarily. M Anime got me fired up about food but maybe that’s just because I’m hungry, again I need to keep my hands and my mind full, why not add my stomach.

Didn’t I talk about a blank check the other day, besides avoiding you I’ve been counting up my emails and doing the PCH lotto, now this is easy enough to say, I hate math? I hate having so many options only to make excuses as to why I can’t have what I want, you know “Someday Is Not a Measurement.

 

“I don’t have O.C.D.

I had it when I was a kid,
but I haven’t done that in years.

You were just doing it.
When you walk slow like that.

What are you doing?
Are you counting?” – Elektra (2005)

Speaking of yet another rule how about habits, what about movies, or anything else I have to fill my mind with, I can’t tell you how many arguments I’ve had with fictional characters. Strangely enough being as crazy as I am, I’m a man that can be counted on to a certain degree, haven’t missed a day with you except for those years of hiatus.

Right now I’m 3×5, when I leave the house I push the door five times in circuits of three to make sure Braxton is safe, same with my lock I turn the lock three times, with each I tug five, I wash Braxton’s water bowl three times before filling it and take him outside on a multiple of five, talk about O.C.D. To keep my positive attitude, whenever I feel the darkness I play a movie in my head, I tell myself game info, I work on lists, to keep it all at bay. Just like my words I try for a multiple of five or ten, I know it sounds loony but while people believe I’m obsessing over them I’m maintaining my own life.

“Don’t count the days, make the days count.” Muhammad Ali

I’m glad I have lost count of so many things that have been bad and no I don’t count every single breath, except for Braxton’s every now and again, vet’s orders with his condition. As far as the days I’m counting, Sapphire, fun time, and Okay told me not to worry about any trouble, I feel bad for her, I don’t know how she does it but she knows I’m a man that she can count on, I don’t abandon friends. I’m counting down the time to the end of this conversation Luna, not in a bad way but because I’m counting the time, the pages, so many other things.

So what have we learned besides, I count as to avoid becoming just another number and that I may have replaced depression with O.C.D. or I’m just giving into the O.C.D. more? Zero to hero Lady Lu, I want to make it out of this worry, I want to forget how To Be Counted On.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 057 ~Love A Blank Check~

WillLeave a comment

Would you leave a million dollars on the street, what would my other million think, well actually Braxton is priceless but I do feel sorry for that dog, and that’s a whole lot of love? “Love A Blank Check”, well I probably would right?

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Lesson 057 ~Love A Blank Check~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear but I did see a million dollars in the middle of the street to today… yeah, probably plenty more than that but what’s important is I didn’t pick it up. Now before you say I’m crazier than usual let’s get to the lesson that’s I would love a blank check.

Ever heard the expression “if wishes were horses…” I’m sure there are plenty of little girls wishing for a horse, now all I ever wished for once upon a time was a dog and through a twist a fate, I got Braxton. Now of course when I started growing up I wanted even more but how I never realized that a dog is a blank check when it comes to love. I mean I never dreamed I could love anything so much and that something would love me so strongly.

“You mustn’t be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.” Eames (Tom Hardy), Inception (2010)

That’s why I will never understand how people just let dogs go, I mean all the love in the world that comes to you on four legs, wagging its tail, wanting nothing more than to be with you. I’m sure I’ve told a Braxton story here or there, the first time my sister brought him in and I asked myself what I was willing to do for him and the answer was anything, not a trace of doubt in my mind. All that love for the taking and I wonder what I ever did to earn it, love wasn’t a prize, it wasn’t something I could buy, though I’ve had $500 offers for Braxton, humanity has always been so silly.

I’ve read “A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than himself” and it just gets me to thinking how I’ve been feeling, crying out for love and he’s like “I’m right here dad”. Again silly, but I like to imagine he would call me dad, I wonder what dogs call their humans, I’m sure he’s only heard my name from my usual guest coming by.

“Welcome to Costco, I love you. Welcome to Costco, I love you. Welcome to Costco, I love you. Welcome to Costco, I love you.” Idiocracy

Love is a fan club, where we are both the idol and the fans, which is probably why I’m looking for something so much deeper, and no I’m not talking about marriage, yet, though if Sergeant Laureline (Cara Delevingne) or let’s face it, Jennifer Lawrence… I’m sure you’re wondering why I am in such a lovey-dovey mood, I’m still trying to love myself while the getting is good, still high.

“He comes in through the kitchen door, wants my dinner and then some more, he’s my idol and I’m his fan, that’s my Back Door Man” sung by Vanita Smythe – Back Door Man (1946)

For the longest I’ve been more of the fan, I did mention Jennifer Lawrence but let me say both idol and fan can be driven crazy, another trait I’m learning is our nonstop vanity. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and all that and being a fan right now I can say with absolute certainty, I don’t care if you don’t like me, I love me, yeah I have been watching too much YouTube lately. Personally, though I have always found it annoying how people say love so casually, I love me for the moment, I love Braxton, I’ll always love my momma but a short list ain’t it?

Being an idol though has it’s draw backs, like with dogs I hate disappointing Braxton, or “Indiana Gone” nobody else really looks at me that way I suppose. Being a dominant sort of means you want to be an idol, and that takes a submissive, the ironic thing is, your servant becomes your master too, now I’m no Christian Grey… don’t want to be except with my bank account. I still find it so funny though, when people turn into Stewie Griffin and act like you’re some holy roller whose life meaning is to worship them other than hey so you’re a hot chick, nice.

“Understand this, okay? I absolutely, positively cannot be the only person falling head over heels in love in this relationship. It’s got to be mutual.” – The Big Hit (1998)

Around this month there has been nothing but girls that want to do me, girls I want to do, and those that think too highly of themselves not that can blame them, I like loving myself and no I did not mean it like that Luna. The thing is when it comes to being a fan or an idol you constantly have to reinforce it like I said Braxton loves me whatever and I’m the same but people are trickier.

“When you like a flower, you just pluck it. But when you love a flower, you water it daily… One who understand this, understand life….”

I wish I could say something so beautiful Lady Lu, but I’ll say that like is your job and love is what you would make a career and for now I have quit my job… careful just in case I have any work friends here. I’ve told you what I believe love happens to be but I will say I was rather impetuous in my youth when I used that word, so I rarely do, except to someone who can’t speak a word to me.

Stupid things I have done when was being a dog, told you about the “Iron Maiden” there was the girl I wrote a song for, one of my girls of the week years back. I bought a porn star a lot of stuff that never got there, her fault, Amazon wish list right, of course, there was tons of poetry too. How about “Wonderland” haven’t scared her off but love can be profitable like too, I bought “M Anime” a katana sword, and I wanted to sleep with her once upon a time, not anymore, yeah I like my friends.

Yesterday I was thinking about insults, not against me for once but I was thinking the worst thing you can say to a straight woman who thinks she’s the shit is yeah you make me want to go gay… how many people have I offended with that? I’ve gotten a few gay offers but yeah I know what I want anyway, so I’m thinking you know me and the dirty talk about calling a woman a bitch and what has today been about, dogs, Braxton is no bitch but a guy calls a girl a bitch but he loves dogs. God that stupid song from Destiny’s Child “Say My Name” but isn’t that inspiration, isn’t that love like is thinking the song up, love is listening to it, making a mental note to download it, and it popping up on your playlist sometimes just because.

“Accidents ambush the unsuspecting, often violently, just like love.”
― from Andrew Davidson, The Gargoyle

So what have we learned today other than the fact that I have a whole lot of love and I’m no thief, okay he was a big dog, a bit too much love for me maybe Braxton is plenty but I have a big heart maybe. I don’t think love is a prize or something that must be earned, all we are waiting for is the right combination, is that deep, Love A Blank Check.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 056 ~Respect/Respeck On My Name~

WillLeave a comment

To think I have the Will to write this, I swear a day ago I was considering writing a Will, what I have some cool stuff, but I don’t know, Will I lose this positivity, hopefully not but let me feel good now. “Respect/Respeck On My Name” if you please

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Lesson 056 ~Respect/Respeck On My Name~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear but have I ever mention being “Bipolar”, and last night it was like the sky was falling… eww, but today, at least for the moment I’m on a high, no not drugs; I feel good pretty good and I plan on keeping it for as long as humanly possible. Now on to today’s lesson, I’ve been called plenty of things but the name’s Will, actually, Willie but serious, Mr. Willie *sigh* I hated that, took them forever while working but for today I wanted to shout out some famous Will’s.

“Do something to make me feel better.” The Players Club

Will Smith literally saved my life, of course, he’ll never know but throughout high school, my name was pretty much a curse until “Big Willie Style” and from then on everything was that big willy style. What about everything he has said about fear, again last night I felt as though I was digging a grave but now I’m up and between reality and fiction his words have inspired me so, he has to be the first on my list. What about the career he has, I swear I’ve been “Just Cruisin’” for a new role model, and let’s say he’s everything I could hope to be someday the short list?

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity Kitai. Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice. We are all telling ourselves a story and that day mine changed.” Cypher Raige, After Earth

I can’t tell you much about Will.i.am other than I know a bit of his music, and again famous, hanging out with a semi decent looking woman, some women should get over themselves but a conversation for another time; this is about me or him.

“I don’t want to hope anymore. I don’t think we should hope anymore. We hoped enough. Now we have to do. We all have to do now.” – from Will.i.am

I’m actually reminded of Will Traynor from “Me Before You” and I think of one of the most awkward hugs I ever experienced… if I knew then what I know now? People like the half-man I am, the quiet one, but we both know my dear here, I am no half-man, not that I’m exactly better but not everyone can accept life after having lived life for so long one way you know. Life just goes on and you get up and you walk away, well at least I have that option, he, unfortunately, didn’t but I still admire him.

These men know what it means “You Must Always Live Brave” and while they will be tough acts to follow, I’ll give it a shot.

I’ll forever be enamored with the works of Marquis de Sade, he was a madman and most of his writing ended up with him in prison but feel of all the erotica we have out nowadays but again Will’s moment.

As in William Shakespeare, not that is someone I always have to wonder about not that I have anything against his writing, just one day I want to be remembered as such. I just want to know how he did it, especially with something like Othello, maybe instead of a list of my heroes or would be role models I should blame him. If we’re going that route I should blame my school too, I was in a predominately black one until the sixth grade and of course, that’s where I met the “iron maiden”.

William Michael “Will” Schuester, now while I would hate being a teacher, his singing ability… I sang once upon a time you know Lady Lu and the way he could just feel everything and no one judged him except for Sue. Let me also state for the record that if any girl sings me to “Wedding Bell Blues” my answer is yes… is that a challenge, can’t give “Indiana Gone” ideas and if it was such and such asking, I swear I’d go gay in a heartbeat, without a doubt.

Since I know I’m not gay though, what about Will Parry and his dear Lyra, talk about a groovy type of love, part “Boy Meets World”, part “The Wonder Years”, he was only a boy but to have the love of a girl like that. He was the embodiment of great courage, chivalry without the “courtly love” aspect and he suffered more than anybody deserves too. To this day I’m still angry about the ending, I mean you save the world, and the world dares to take away all that he could ever truly desire.

Yeah, the world isn’t always kind to Will but for now, I’m not iron will, or will I lose or anything like that I’m just pure Will and I’m proud.

Not counting my breakdown yesterday, I brought up work when there was always Mr. Willie this or that, too cowardly to remind them because I’ve been called so much worse.

“Free Willy” while the first one was great and the series sort of just bombed I’ll never forget that was a common joke amongst people, Free Willy, which I hated with every fiber of my being. It beats “E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial” because of my big head, really I gave my sister two black eyes, one on two separate occasions, and I’ve always felt like an alien but I can’t stress this enough I feel free. How about Will from Divergent, just tell me he got to sleep with Christina “Zoë Kravitz” for those that think I have a type, I mean I do but a good friend gave me some advice a few days ago, and since I’m feeling all Trump style liberated “Screw Brunettes”.
Now how in the Hell did Willy Wonka end up on this list, the first movie was okay, I’ve never had the interest to watch the second one though because I’m not a girl into Johnny Depp. Running a business though is pretty sweet but I rarely keep chocolate in the house, Braxton is quite the little vacuum but at work, I have to have a Mr. Goodbar, just because.

I would have been remiss if I didn’t put at least one girl on the list and while I was thinking Willow Rosenberg, I went with Will from W.I.T.C.H. what can I say “The Will to Love”. Haven’t we already discussed a song with the name Will though, Wedding Bell Blues could fit a lot of different guys I think? Honestly, girls just aren’t writing guys songs and it makes me laugh, I wrote a girl a song once, one of my girls of the week years ago and still one girl thinks she’s so damn special, well vain much.

“So many strangers on the street
Yeah, nearly everyone you meet
Can´t relate, can´t translate, can´t create. A connection. No.

Easier to keep your distance
Tread the path of least resistance
Don´t engage, keep to your cage, stay offstage
For protection

Then everything changes. She´s there.
Life rearranges.
Winged angel from above
Helped me find the Will
The Will to love… The Will to love” The Will to Love, W.I.T.C.H.

Anyway I would call this a quite positive day already and I’ll have to remember it for the dark days which will be coming, right now the days of Sapphire but for now, what have I learned today… my name is Will of course and put Respect/Respeck On My Name.

I Will Have No Fear