Tag: Anxiety

Chronicle 058 ~Braxton’s Vigil, My Virgil~

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Am I going to have to write this whole dream out (yeah)? Well, if another fur baby came walking into my life, I have names. A boy “Virgil,” a girl “Beatrice,” which isn’t fair at all. Neither is waking up at 1:30 in the AM. Braxton’s Vigil, My Virgil

Saturday, August 28, 2021

Chronicle 058 ~Braxton’s Vigil, My Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but yesterday, “a day which will live in infamy.” I found I wasted ten damn years.

No disrespect to soldiers or even Sci-Fi as I was telling Carolina Bound and M Anime. My Day Job is a mix between going to Nam and being dropped into The Tomorrow War. Add to that being trapped and drowning. How do I survive? I had a son, my Braxton. Friday, August 27, 2021, hell Luna. I had B longer than I have been working in well, Hell. Then I wonder why I’m not running as fast home or to my writing. Hell is what I deserve. I believe that’s why I had that nightmare, but we’ll get to that. The Day Job, my God. Every time I go in the name of the game is this, don’t get fired. When Hell freezes over, right?

I thought I was dead last night. Some time ago, talking to Carolina Bound, I asked did she ever have a dream that she knew was a dream. With my own visions, it happened again. I found I was surrounded by people, so I unleashed black tendrils that were electrified. Them my sister was behind me, looking over my shoulder while I was looking at porn. You know the type. What I pay for, get creators kicked off platforms, foreign influences, etc. Next um, a phone rang, it wasn’t mine, ok Lu. At 1:30 AM, I’m “strapped,” as kids say. I’m stalking around the house, listening for the sound. Usually, this is Braxton’s job. If it’s “serious” again, I get my “gat.” Protecting us always.

So I fall back asleep, trying to dream of the guns in Far Cry 5. The monster gets in the house anyway (dreaming), and it’s my father carrying a dog made out of jelly beans. He looks like Braxton only, color coated, and I see B III on the floor. So the candy dog’s new. As I pull off jelly beans, there’s a furry dog underneath, orange, but the fur begins turning Braxton’s shade. Days go by, the dog becomes more and more like B but begins to shrink too. Like destroying/taking the Mind Stone from Vision, Wanda, or Thanos? Braxton is gone. If the dream and/or nightmare says anything, another dog, no, I can’t. But it’s Saturday. Petsmart then groceries? Braxton’s Vigil, My Virgil.

209 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 051 ~To B A Winner~

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As the song goes, why do the things I hate come so naturally? In that case, I should learn to hate winning because losing is pretty easy. Hate my job; keep it. Love my dog, lose him. Writing is the one thing in balance… “To B A Winner”

Saturday, August 21, 2021

Chronicle 051 ~To B A Winner~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but is that enough? Should I look up a trillionaire? Start with getting up on time.

Sure, when it comes to the Day Job that I hate. Earlier in the week, I set my alarms wrong, but I wanted to do something with my life, honest to God. But I made it to the Day Job. When it comes to disparaging myself. Oh no, I mustn’t be late for that. We only started talking, Luna, but how long will it be before I say something ugly about myself, I ask you? I killed my son. There it is, and how long has it been since I said that? We’re on Day 202. Living with Betrayal, Ninth Circle Treachery. I didn’t tell you last week about PetSmart. I’m sure I told one of the girls and Carolina Bound. Saturdays, PetSmart brings dogs.

I love Braxton. B III can’t be replaced. I can do my best Yoda impression or perhaps Mace Windu “he’s too old.” Of course, I’m talking about the dogs, more like he’s too big, hmm. B III spoiled me for small dogs and, in particular, Chihuahuas. An acquaintance offered me one, but you don’t start a conversation with “Where do you live.” Trust No One. Dammit, we’re not even having this conversation. I could find something else to do today. Yesterday I finally got to my Inbox. I could write about “Soulmates.” Finish a book. Think about my finances. Everyone’s predicting the end of days with OnlyFans. The new rules. It’s not like I made a dime. My mourning did cost me a pretty penny.

Not in a good way either, considering me being a monk and all and then not. I swear, everyone figured 2021 was going to be a new start. I’d kill to have 2020. Braxton was lived. But now, there is my fear of leaving the house. Agoraphobia; my Walmart accident. There’s what I was working on yesterday when everything I do should be for Braxton. Lady Luna, do I ever want to sign my name again to take on another life? After my B III. In the end, it doesn’t matter what I do. I write and never publish. Take my clothes off and so much for “Stuff And Thangs.” The one I love dies. It’s lonely at the top, but To B A Winner.

202 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 044 ~Need To B Shopping~

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It wouldn’t be the first time I starved for food, fun or the love of my furry partner in crime. Yet I have to get up, and if I do get into another accident, I hope I get hit harder. Beware of karma, right? Need To B Shopping, for Braxton and me still

Saturday, August 14, 2021

Chronicle 044 ~Need To B Shopping~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I’ll have a personal shopper. I sorta was when Braxton was around. B First

If Braxton were alive, I would not hesitate to go shopping. I did plenty for him, his needs becoming my courage. Then it was zombie mentality after he died. Why do you think zombies once upon a time moaned for “BRAINS.” Like the song goes, “I feel stupid.” More like, I’m afraid. I haven’t been back to Walmart since the accident. I should have kept up my regular routine. My first thought is this Lu, “does Little B have food, treats, pee pads?” So I would park on that side of the store and not the grocery side, always. People get in the way, but I’m not a person. These days I’m the horny fanboy. Yeah, hoping Walmart has the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition today.

How I don’t want to get up today, but at least I made it to the couch this morning. Last night I was ready to break my… what is it, vow, pledge, bet, some madness I don’t know at all. But while I’m making notes, how about one to get more memory and for what. Porno? It should run more rampant around here without Braxton. But again, last night, something was wrong, and the first thing I thought about is where are all my ladies. Writing took a backseat along with any other common sense. I got called out by Maitland Ward, so she, of course, cost me a few bucks. Um, Jada Jinxx has her first movie coming out. Oh, my Stuff and Thangs?

I should go back to work on that, but it’s time if I’m not wasting money. Didn’t I just say that something went wrong the other day, and I want to add more stress? Maddening! Lady Lu, I should be out there mowing the damn lawn. Braxton would be super pissed with the condition. What about cleaning the house or doing anything other than sleeping? I’ve said this how many times… his water bowl is full; he has enough treats so I may honor him. What I wouldn’t give to come back one day and say “stinky puppy” to him. Yeah, that would come after my “Emergence Day” meal if I shared a bit too much. What about M Anime’s birthday? Need To B Shopping

195 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 037 ~A Brush With B~

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I wish the Grim Reaper would ask me out already, but I don’t swing that way. Trust me if “she” looked anything like Georgia Lass from “Dead Like Me” or Alaria from an A.J. Markam novel… I would have already met B again. A Brush With B

Saturday, August 7, 2021

Chronicle 037 ~A Brush With B~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, buried in cash but not bedsheets. How about breaking in the dirt, where I rather be.

You know the answer to that… wherever Braxton is. Lady Lu is that might way of saying I wish I was… Yeah, I can’t say that out loud. I don’t need the cops banging on this door today. So what do I need at this moment? Again there is an answer for that. Ain’t chicken. I can’t even get it up to talk about myself being lazy. After yesterday, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. That’s right, Lady Lu, I don’t fear evil, or at least it takes a backseat to everything else in this life. Carolina Reaper sauce, ha. If only it could be something that simple. Or how about falling asleep again, hmm?

Last night I thought that something bit me. Hope for the best; prepare for the worst. More like hope for the worst but prepare for the best. That’s the alarm clock on any given day. Right now, I want to give it back. I’d give them all back to go back to one with B. Perhaps it’s dare I say it, COVID? A breakthrough case from the guy who wears his mask always, and yeah, I got the vaccine. Do I need to add checking WebMD to my ever-growing list of chores, Lu? Oh um, the food and a bottle of root beer. Yep, I still have my taste. Breathing is normal. I only wish it was optional. Once again, careful, with words, Lady Lu.

So what’s the plan, this weekend? You know I have the Six Impossible Things… Hysterical, that’s a good one, isn’t it? What’s even sadder is most of them I could do from my warm bed. Only I didn’t get six hours. I did get further along in A.J. Markam’s novel. Didn’t I say something about WWBD (what would B do) a few days ago? Like his Daddy, he would want to sleep, but he would get outside at least once today. Hell, I need to get up and give him his treat. I found his bag empty in my dresser drawer. One day I know. There will be no more treats, and I can’t buy more, and that’s death for ya. A Brush With B

188 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 030 ~B’s Seconds, Silvers, Son~

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B III deserved the best life. A gold medal for putting up with me. So what am I doing with my thirty pieces of silver? Mostly sleeping, if not that renting some films and indulging in sin. And what about “My Turn to B III.” B’s Seconds, Silvers, Son.

Saturday, July 31, 2021

Chronicle 030 ~B’s Seconds, Silvers, Son~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, “and I’m proud to be an American,” as the song goes. Haven’t watched the Olympics, though.

Well, not much anyway. I figured today would be easier, having finished my Braxton’s book and all. It’s only been a day, and already I’m falling back into a routine. I haven’t looked at it, and while I’m falling into Sesame Street today is brought to you by the letter S. SLEEP. It took so much to wake up this morning. Notice once again I didn’t say get out of bed but to open my eyes. Won’t say I’m proud of what I did afterward. I had to restart my addiction record. I wonder how long I’ll last this time. Counting before B died, it was 161. Today it’s been 181 Days since B III’s been gone. Did I ever tell you, Lady Lu, how much I can’t stand math?

Me being STUPID at the whole concept of it? Let’s go over OnlyFans, Amazon, and doing nice things? I took care of it this AM, moaning the name of Somebody That I Used To Know. While I’m on the subject of my body, how about the fact that I should go shopping? That would explain my energy level possibly. B’s novel took a lot out of me, and there’s more. No worries, I have the 50,000 words, only I know I could write more. Considering what this week is going to bring. Even the “fun stuff” Lady Lu is bringing me all types of anxiety. I got Amazon Prime thanks to M Anime, so I should watch “The Tomorrow War” and how about “Werewolves Within.”

“Excellent” titles, and I’m still struggling to remember “My Turn to B III.” One of the points I make in it and now is that my son always takes second place. Luna, you might recall me complaining about missing plenty trying to finish… the Day Job. There was nothing left for him when I would return. All I wanted to do was sleep, and that was that. The more things change, the more they stay the same, but Braxton’s not here to punish with indifference. So I sit here and rot, only keeping up with my thoughts of being Bill Gates as I finish a book series. So more stuff to buy unrelated to Braxton, such is my continued Judas betrayal. B’s Seconds, Silvers, Son

181 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 023 ~Give Me A B~

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I’m thinking of any time I was cheered for anything. I don’t do sports and only watch wrestling and the Olympics. Or at least I did, but what was I doing last night as Team USA walked in, the drones flew, the Pictograms? When B was sick. Give Me A B

Saturday, July 24, 2021

Chronicle 023 ~Give Me A B~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I must cheer the “ideology” of the USA. You know Capitalism. Oh, the Olympics…

Yeah, I knew I forgot something. The Olympics, myself, B III. No, I would instead cheer for my Day Job. Or jeer, doesn’t matter to them as long as I’m there, even when I’m not. If it’s not that, how about going all out for a corporation. Always Amazon. How many people talk about them and yesterday sure I went shopping for Succubus Lord 19. It’s madness that I can find the time, literally see it; the alarm goes off. I wish I could say that’s when I put it down and get to work. No, I’m a slave to it. Obsessed fanboy, hmm? What I’m getting at is, I’m starting to hate this game called Life. You ask me what else is new, right.

Some days are worse than others and yesterday wasn’t one to write home about. Home, again, I’m left without one with Braxton being gone. My cheering is rooted in exhaustion. As I “watched” The Olympics Opening Ceremony. Between being on my phone, keeping an eye on “Stuff And Thangs,” and working on not going to prison, I got an idea. Hate, Lady Lu, it’s like a painting. My eyes were so tired, but there was so much to do. The thing is, when I look at the picture, closer, deeper, focus, oh Braxton Barks Bradford. With such love, it was easy to see that the whole painting was made more beautiful. Then you remove that one element, and what remains? I don’t want to look.

I want to cheer for my Braxton again any time he did something good. As I talked about yesterday, I need his collar back around his neck and not lying empty in his bed. Today I want to say that I did 5000 words and not 3100. You won’t hear me cheering for Brandy, but as the song plays Almost Doesn’t Count. B’s the only time second is first. Almost should become my new Another. It’s not Another day, but it is Almost a day. It all depends on when I choose to live it. Do you think B is somewhere cheering me on? For now, he would be on the end of the bed waiting for me. I’m still sleeping. Give Me A B.

174 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 016 ~Braxton Takes An L~

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Fear, Failure, and other effing words wake me up more than any sort of joy. That joy, of course, had a name, Braxton. What do you call someone who loses? No, B III didn’t lose because when his life was over, who made that happen. Braxton Takes The L.

Saturday, July 17, 2021

Chronicle 016 ~Braxton Takes An L~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I’m still working at a loss with Braxton being gone. Live, Laugh, Love, not me.

I don’t Live because I’m afraid. Lady Luna, you don’t know how sick and tired I am. It’s being afraid every single day. Is today going to be one of THOSE days? Yes, I’m afraid so after yesterday. Oh, I gave it the good ole college try; when it came to the novel. 1400 words. It was the Day Job, Lu, but I suppose I should be grateful. Start every day with gratitude, THEY say. I didn’t have to walk to the Day Job, yet I spent the entire day terrified. You can’t have one without the other like always; stupidity and humanity, sigh, me. It’s the fact that I can’t do Drive-Thru Pick-Ups? How I closed the Online Pick-Up room to hide from people?

And THEY Laugh at my need for some Emotional Support. At least all the focus would have been on Braxton. I would Laugh at myself if I thought that any of this would get any better for me, Luna. Giving one customer their order isn’t some Twist In My Sobriety. A cure for my anxiety, No, I’m still sweating from the thought of it. I’m screwing up my Six Impossible Things because I need to feel good. What is it about laughter being the language of the soul? I swear I would sell mine, well what’s left, bringing back Braxton. M Anime lost all her texts, but somewhere I brought up live, laugh, love. I can’t stand that phrase, to be honest. But to Love…

What, again? Speaking of another book, The Bible. “The greatest of these is Love,” you know 1 Corinthians Faith, Hope, and Love. If I ever get married, I do plan on having that read. But then again, the “Greatest Love Of All” by Whitney Houston. I can’t feel it now.
Oh, I love Braxton. That never goes away. Only I don’t love myself, and that’s because of all this fear. If I can’t deal with one woman for two to five minutes. Hating the ASM. And I don’t know; the guilt, continuing for 167 Days. B III didn’t take an L; I gave him one. That’s because I wasn’t giving a FUCK about him or myself when it would’ve mattered. But Braxton Takes The L.

167 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Log 347 ~Chalk It Up, Willy~

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Can I read the writing on the wall because I couldn’t see it on the chalkboard when I was a kid, so that explains my grades, but it wasn’t as if they were teaching the facts of life or anything? “Chalk It Up, Willy”

Friday, June 12, 2020

Log 347 ~Chalk It Up, Willy~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I probably have someone taking my calls, messages, etc.

The problem is, nobody knows me that well, and like the dumbest president in history, I must explain myself. It’s like being back in school, I could never see the writing on the wall, or the chalkboard, yeah my bad.

Is it any wonder my usual writing is always a mess? Hell, I’m still “agonizing” over my time traveling ways from Grateful Reasons 259 to 260. Today, let me focus on the writing of others, who are nine times out of ten women; surprise, surprise. Right now, my favorite is MILF Dos. I’ll admit I didn’t know she could be so naughty but her messages? Every time I get one, I jump with excitement, and for once, I’m not fearing my phone. Again my glimpses of the future usually don’t pan out, but what I see with this incredible beauty?

For one thing, she reminds me of one of my top five favorite books. I’m a man of contradiction because this particular book was written by a man. W. Anton talks about how a woman will LIE to everyone else for a guy she likes. Talk about no higher compliment.

“A woman will call in sick to stay in bed with you in the morning if you have time off from work but she doesn’t, and girls will tell their mothers all kinds of creative stories to avoid going back home at night when they like you a lot.”
― W. Anton, The Manual: What Women Want and How to Give It to Them

“For example, just enjoy the show when a young girl is sitting naked in your bed and her mother calls her asking where she has been all night, and she starts making up a random story about sleeping over at a friend’s house because the last night bus — that she was supposed to go home with — never arrived, and she did not want to call and wake anyone up, then the batteries in her phone died all of a sudden, but right now she is sitting in a taxi on her way home, but there is so much traffic that it might take a long while until she is back home.”
― W. Anton, The Manual: What Women Want and How to Give It to Them

Then there are the women who insult you, like my boss. I don’t know what excuse she’s writing down as to why I won’t work today. Didn’t I tell her the truth, Lady Sophia? I hate working HOME & KIDS. You know how I feel about feet, so no SHOES. I worked AMAZON for five minutes and had a Panic Attack. So sitting here right now, there’s a tinge of guilt that I’m not going because I can’t take it. She might start writing something else for me… I’m glad I finished my book yesterday.

As for other writers, well, I’m still not talking to Cherry. She hasn’t written anything to me since I sent her a few chapters of my book. I have a tendency to write the wrong thing. It’s like quoting that song Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off. M Anime is soothed at the moment. The text the two of us pass over so many days, talk about, going the distance. Of course, Indiana Gone is my constant and second BFF next to my kid. MILF Dos, though, wow THE FEELS.

Always revising my reading list, well, Chalk It Up, Willy.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 340 ~What You Know Will~

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I hate to lie because people don’t want the truth. Well, there seems to be a lot of that going around, or at least there was when I wrote this, but if I dare call myself a prophet, I know I’m not okay, and I shouldn’t write that. “What You Know Will”

Friday, June 5, 2020

Log 340 ~What You Know Will~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I’m “gonna have a Good Day,” a Lovely Day on Easy Street. The thing is I hate writing lies. Not fiction but lies, and so you know I’m no prophet, it still being Monday and all. Here’s my point. I’m always saying what I should write and then censoring (sometimes) what I shouldn’t be. Seeing as how I’m still awake after a not quite so bad day at the Day Job, I want to come right out with it. What Lady Sophia; still hating the phrase “How Are You Today” and “What You Know.”

I shouldn’t be writing of Kagney Linn Karter. Now I could go on for some time about this not being my fault or a plethora of excuses. You know the ole picture and a thousand words stick? Well her look, led to her name, EvilAngel.com, Downloads, and Little Kimberley. Yes, Lady Sophia, I always start with the porn and my wallet on that note. I saw something from MILF Dos, and is that um opportunity? Doubtful, but as of the 1st, I’m going on two weeks of NO FAP, madness?

In my dreams, and I shouldn’t be writing in my sleep. I’m so tired, though, and again this is after a somewhat decent day. Shoes will be so much worse. I only felt like punching one person today. Now, what did I say about lying, two at the most, okay? SIGH, it vexes me. Considering everything going on in this country and I want to harm another black man. How about COVID-19 cancels the rest of the workweek, hmm? That sounds pretty bad, but the Day Job is that horrible.

I need the money though besides paying off a would-be “model” and what about McDonald’s. You know how I have to check the prices on my phone before I go anywhere, but I didn’t, no, not this time. Well, my lunch budget is blown for the rest of the week. Damn, the one thing I don’t need to be writing about is ANXIETY, the Law of Attraction being what it is. Only I write about everything, and here we are. A journal, a blog is one big, How Are You.

Three different timeframes, right now I’m tired, at the Day Job, in a rage or scared, on Friday, hopefully relieved. Still What You Know Will?

I Will Have No Fear

Log 333 ~Will’s Soggy Runaway Letter~

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A Twist With My “Anxiety.” Sorry that song Twist In My Sobriety has been playing in my head a while. I didn’t work at Arby’s or Wendy’s long enough to have a leaving song. With Target, it was “Marissa Flashback.” Will’s Soggy Runaway Letter in retail

Friday, May 29, 2020

Log 333 ~Will’s Soggy Runaway Letter~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, or I better be if this keeps up. Begin at the start, but you know I’m no one for writing rules. Okay, so today is actually Tuesday, May 26, so yeah, you’ll read about this, three days into the future. Do I even have a future… we’ll have to see sometime this week, won’t we? So I’ve never gotten around to writing a suicide note, never written a resignation. I’m sure it’s a sin I’ve never written a thank you card. There’s never a time right, or I’m always busy. Stuffing bags, balling fists, writing you.

It started with a written schedule, “Operations.” I have no clue what that is even after eight years. If anything, I wrote it off as an easy day. It wasn’t Home & Kids or Shoes. STUPID is determined to take the “Number One Spot” as the song goes. Now I was STUPID, which was enough, but I made it to heights unimaginable. I finished “organizing” bath towels and asked the General Manager where to next. Well, she said Amazon Returns. Oh, the things I’ve bought off Amazon, but I’ve never wanted to work there. The nice woman at the desk explains it to me and what happened next? Arby’s for one day, Wendy’s another, and Target, I absolutely refused. Lady Sophia, this is against every motivation, every speaker, and my life plans but ahem. I CAN’T breathes two little words.

Why not one word, ANXIETY. It was overwhelming Lady Sophia. Hell, I push buttons all the time like right now. With a push, I CAN build A Whole New World, believe in myself there. Blow it up if I need to, but in reality, all I did was run. As fast as I could go. However, there was also ANGER. I was DUMB enough to ask the boss a question. Yes, I do have a thesaurus My Lady, but that’s not the point. I stood there and let her say whatever she wanted. I sit here now angry for my running. Of course, I could go Fear leads to Anger. For now, I’m attempting to use the Anger to mask the fear. I’ve been trying for days but that cue Reboot song the FIREWALL came crumbling down today. In sweat, spit, and soggy rainy weather.

No tears, this isn’t goodbye but Will’s Soggy Runaway Letter.

To Will’s Most Hated Words:

  1. Stupid
  2. Skeevy
  3. Fear
  4. Anxiety
  5. Merge
  6. Happy
  7. Family-Friendly
  8. Just Kidding
  9. Tease
  10. Freak
  11. Lazy
  12. Sucks

I Will Have No Fear…