Tag: Honesty

Log 044 ~The Shape Of Will~

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Last week I spoke a bit of looking down, and it seems like I’m still doing that, whether it be my phone, naughty books, or my wallet; hip to be square or more like a rectangle, not the worse of all shapes though. The Shape Of Will

Wednesday, August 14, 2019

Log 044 ~The Shape Of Will~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM A Millionaire right now, but not a star. Can’t say I miss Super Mario because my princess is always in another castle. There’s also the fact that I’m not feeling powerful. Where was I supposed to be at this moment in my life? Now if anything I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Should I apologize for ripping my heart out? I’ve been much too busy looking “down there” at the moment. At least it’s still in my pants, but it’s getting hard and pretty damn embarrassing; okay stopping.

Let’s get to what has me bent out of shape. Video games should be fun and a way to relax, right. I like Heavy Rain and all, but yes I’m out of practice and out of shape. Shaking that controller this way, and that has me breathing hard. At least it’s better than watching other people play. So what about watching other people fuck (LANGUAGE)? The first week is always the hardest, like any rehab. Still NoFap but not even hiding the fact that I’m watching porn. Hell Inspector Echo I wasn’t lasting three days when I was abstaining or trying at least. As for the “real” thing, I didn’t cave into the cosplayer. I’m still waiting to hear from Alice. I even started looking for a new “maid,” talk about a business opportunity SIGH.

As the song goes, it’s hip to be square. Only again, Heavy Rain isn’t helping; I saw Madison’s boobs. I’m reading another Tillie Cole book, “Raphael.” Should have learned from “Sick Fux” the author loves the taboo. Now If I could only go back to the nights of softcore porn watching. Inspector Echo, my life’s a cycle, a circle if you will; wake up, conversation, pretend to live. My son and I are in a rut. These are his golden years he should be enjoying himself. I keep saying I’ll give him everything but a million dollars in two weeks? Yes, I am ashamed of myself, there’s no way around it Inspector Echo. Could it be a love triangle? Yes, Tupac got around but as for myself. From the MILF to Mr. International, to the Stars. Yesterday I even went back to some erotic gaming.

So I am sorry life has me so warped and twisted. These past two weeks have been, again hard. I’m finding The Shape Of Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 043 ~Will To Be Ordinary~

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I’m anything but ordinary which is terrible; I know you’re much more than average which is a real blessing, like “Beauty and the Beast,” both different but somebody wanted Belle, and I don’t want you to see me like this? Will To Be Ordinary

Tuesday, August 6, 2019

Log 043 ~Will To Be Ordinary~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Millionaire right now, and anything but ordinary. When I talked to a friend about my dream girl a.k.a you well you’re anything but typical. Open mouth and insert foot, right. Like something out of Firefly; Simon and Kaylee. Anyway as I was telling my friend, such and such, Nuclear Pop, Star Wars, Sci-Fi, Zombies. Hell at the moment I want you to tell me I didn’t dream up this or that. Better if you could help me find the note. Not that I’m making you my assistant or anything.

My wife, you’re my wife, that’s how I wake up every morning. Sort of like that dude who woke up from surgery and called his wife “eye candy.” Pet names all day, everything under the sun, my angel, my queen (minus the knife,) my miracle. Every day I don’t see you take off when I make jokes like that. How I’m only now getting into Game Of Thrones, and you’re still here. Honestly the first time ever I saw your face. One of these days I’ll stop speaking in songs, movies and TV, memes, and YouTube. I wonder how you would feel about that my love. Being a husband is still new to me, and I’m learning. I can’t say I’ve had many examples, one more reason we don’t visit most of my family. When we met, I’ll admit the last thing I was thinking about was gaining a wife.

I was thinking of Perfection, and that’s not right. In a way, I suppose I give myself more flaws because I wanted you so badly. Holding hands, dinner dates, meeting the folks, could only be my anxiety. The simple things, typical, shallow, only ordinary. Would you be one to survive a zombie apocalypse, a purge, some other world catastrophe? It always comes back to if I were the only boy, and you were the only girl. How I need something scarier than the man I am. One of the few times I didn’t stand by tradition asking your parents for your hand. Blessing, sure, and even that I can live without baby girl. That’s because we have blessings despite how I make money. Your beauty, your heart, the woman you are is more than ordinary. Ironic isn’t it that I want to be ordinary somehow.

Love shouldn’t be, why have the Will To Be Ordinary.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 042 ~Live Like There’s No Tomorrow~

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Am I going back to that, the world is going to end in “five minutes” mentality; if died today I would be embarrassed at everything, well other than reading another Tillie Cole novel but anyway. “Live Like There’s No Tomorrow”

Monday, August 12, 2019

Log 042 ~Live Like There’s No Tomorrow~

Ninety-Seventh Rule Madam Justice

I AM a Millionaire right now, but I didn’t do two girls at the same time. Now that’s only for starters for if tomorrow never comes? Well, I’ve thought about that plenty of nights. Most nights I don’t ever plan on the morning. Okay, my knives and my car alarm say differently. Those are more for my son, though. My motivations say to start every morning with gratitude. I’m grateful Madam Justice I am. Still, I sometimes imagine waking up and starting all over again.

Do any of us wake up and live the day we would be proud to die? So I wake up this morning to the TWD Rewards people treating me like I’m STUPID. Until only now, I had forgotten about that concern. Besides talking to you, I could use a cappuccino and a slice of cheesecake. Worrying robs you of the joy you might have so I owe myself a slice. You know the days are wrong when you pray for a zombie apocalypse. Hell, I want the days I stand a chance in if anything. Again living those “five minutes” and the world comes to an end. I’ve lived far too many suicidal days. There was the day I had Taco Bell and fell asleep downing Nyquil pills attempting an overdose. I’ve starved myself for at least a week, and nobody gave a damn. I’ve studied poisons, weapons, I write dystopias ha. Ironic, I see tomorrow for everyone else but myself; I don’t live now.

If I could have today again, picture it as so. I wake up next to my beautiful wife. I go to my office, and we talk well more like Lady Sophia and me because it’s a Friday. My wife and I make love in the shower, and then she cooks breakfast. We both see the children off to school, while my firstborn does patrol of the Estate. I pop in on a few of my brothels see how business is going. I visit my studio and work on a movie. Then it’s off to interview the newest crop of models. I pick up my kids, and they tell me about good days at school. Home-cooked dinner, in a loving home. A book before bed then me and my wife ravish each other. Who would need another Saturday? Never enough time right Madam Justice but to Live Like There’s No Tomorrow.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 041 ~What Is Will Fear~

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How does one make an enemy… please don’t make me quote Star Wars but let’s start with one word FEAR, and there is plenty of that going around these days and the methods to overcome it SIGH. What Is Will Fear

Sunday, August 11, 2019

Log 041 ~What Is Will Fear~

To Will:
I AM a Millionaire right now, and you fear you’ll never advance. Every day you get closer and closer to the end. No, not suicidal but first were the rules. Next came the reasons for writing. Sadly, you could conjure up 365 days of things you’re afraid of Will. Do you remember the movie Divergent? Tobias had FOUR fears. Tris had seven, one of those being intimacy. Here we go, can you not keep it in your pants this week. Hell I know I was all Halle Berry “Make Me Feel Good.” Who isn’t getting screwed by some white guy these fearful days?

You only want to get through the rest of the week. Let’s say the month without any more bells and whistles. No more warnings, not a bit of spam. Why aren’t you getting up on time? Fear keeps you awake. Yesterday I defined life as a labyrinth. You’re lost, and some unknown beast is chasing you. Now it could be an ocean, and you’re Jack Dawson. It explains why you want to stay warm in your bed. Fortunately, your love is small, and no, that isn’t penis humor. I mean the dog and my queen-size bed. The moment you leave this place, you have to start swimming again. As in the real pool, you never learned how. Those that should have taught you made you terrified of the water. There’s also bike riding for the record. Speaking of records, SIGH I failed Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 002 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 003 No Fap)
  2. I AM Always The “Father” B III Deserves
    Failed
  3. I AM Publishing My Poetry Compilation “GULP”
    Failed
  4. I AM Reviewing The Five
    Failed
  5. I AM Bringing My Email Inbox To Zero
    Failed
  6. I AM Finishing Reading Beauty in the Broken: A Diamond Magnate Novel by
    Charmaine Pauls Completed
  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 003 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I AM Always The “Father” B III Deserves
  3. I AM Publishing My Poetry “GULP”
  4. I AM Reviewing The Five
  5. I AM Bringing My Email Inbox To Zero
  6. I AM Finishing Reading The Fallen Genesis A Deadly Virtues Prequel

I’m not cocky because I was able to hit number six. It took over a month, and I was the lucky one. If anything it beats being terrified all the time and you are of course. So let’s get back to the inquiry of the day. What Is Will Fear? It’s looking at your phone in fear. The next message could be an attempted hack. There will be more spam, a friend warning you of something. You can’t talk about your kid anymore. Hell, something might happen to him in reality. Letting him down one more day for not cutting the grass. The next pretty girl with beautiful breasts you want to see naked. The one you should see naked come September. Another you have seen nude come October. Six Impossible Things abandoned and movies getting scratched. Far too many things to name here but that’s What Is Will Fear.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 038 ~Will Has Stress Balls~

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Where is my fidget cube when I need it and other than the shower my kid gives me no private time and unfortunately I can carry my phone into the bathroom, and last night I got a good night’s sleep for one reason? Will Has Stress Balls.

Thursday, August 8, 2019

Log 038 ~Will Has Stress Balls~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
I AM a Millionaire right now but also a CREEP. Mind your tongue; I’m not a stalker, Mr. Trump, or any other type of criminal. I’m a dominant, a sadist, and someone who doesn’t handle stress well. Last night was the perfect example, skeevy as the “Basic Bitch” would say. Hell, I didn’t go to bed because I was satisfied. I was hoping I finally scared myself to death. The reason; Facebook and accidentally clicking on a picture from a year ago. Pretty girls have blocked me for less; words, Pokemon.

I’m in a lovey-dovey mood and not a sexual one, which leads me to Alita: Battle Angel. “I’ll give you my heart,” I’ll add that to the things a girl could say to me. Don’t worry, we’ll get to breasts but to have a girl’s heart. A woman’s I should say WHAT’S MY AGE AGAIN? Why the 90’s early 2000’s kick; music was better, huh? I like girls that have brains. Don’t I always say every Saturday, two to three hours of nuclear pop? It’s also a requisite she loves reading and decent movies. I was telling “Indiana Gone” that the other day. It’s not like I’m a genius, but hell the real shape of a heart. Didn’t I say I was a creep or creepy? Anyway, she must love my little ball of fluff, my son, you know. If dogs could talk not that he cares what I look up or click on: Thumbs.

Yeah, those and my fingers that had me staring at dirty titties last night. Well, that’s how it started, and then I was clicking, my mistake. Once again, I’m a slave to my phone. I’ll always be a boob guy Dirty Diana. A few hours ago it was all boobs, now to a girl with no boobs. Before my indiscretion, I was all about ass. Yesterday I said I can’t look people in the face. I know some great asses, though, two in particular. Well, three if you count the shower and please don’t. Last but not least, got the nub, got the nub; I’ll quit with the songs at some point. Pleasing women, once I get them in bed is the ultimate goal. I have no idea what I’m doing every day I’ll admit.

Such is my stress, and I lost my fidget cube, but Will Has Stress Balls.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 037 ~Standing With A Willie~

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A great man once sang “stand up for your rights,” and someone else said if you won’t stand for something; well these two legs can take me places but my eyes are looking down, though things get an inevitable rise out of me. Standing With A Willie

Wednesday, August 7, 2019

Log 037 ~Standing With A Willie~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM A Millionaire right now, and no my mind isn’t in the gutter. Okay, truth be told another cosplayer “Jada Jinxx.” We’ll get to the begging portion of the program soon enough. Today I want to talk about courage, the strength to stand. Hard when you can’t stand the man in the mirror; neither can they.

Up against the wall mother; yes, I looked that up. That’s how I was at work today, nowhere to go and nothing to do there. So I redid two of the walls of hanging crap, paintings, metal décor, etc. Staring at the wall meant I didn’t have to look at people. Not that I could even if I wanted to anyway. My eyes are conscientious objectors in this war for my life. On the other hand, they could be living in 3017. That’s me looking at the dirt or how long it would take me to find courage. Is it any wonder I write dystopias? How about the only life after death, I believe in is zombies? Anyway, so I’m working from one wall to the next. I’m getting all these backstabbers complimenting behind my back. Like I’m any better; should have seen me yesterday. Someone knocked on my door, and I had my knife behind me, saving people time.

You know for finding reasons to fire me at some point. In writing Inspector Echo, I’m an army of one. Army, again look at the title. I was channeling Ellie Goulding’s song. I wish I could say I had someone I counted on with all my heart. Yes of course B III but let’s look at humans. My “father” that’s more predatory dominance. I feel like less of a real man, depending on him. There, of course, is the job I despise. If I lose it, I’ll be wandering the desert with my dick in my hands (LANGUAGE). So yes this morning, the man in the mirror, well the shower SIGH. I’m still with NO FAP but the things I was thinking. There, now we can talk about the new girl or the others rolling around in my brain. Closing my eyes but still staring at a wall or the floor, Let’s say TWD is chock full of hot women.

Damn all these beautiful girls as the song goes, oh and work. Missed a huddle but Standing With A Willie.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 036 ~Let’s Look Up Will~

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Now you know everything, and like Jon Snow, I know nothing, well usually but who I am and what I do, well most would run away but you’re here and in love, don’t they say that conquers all, including my fear. “Let’s Look Up Will” or not

Tuesday, August 6, 2019

Log 036 ~Let’s Look Up Will~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Millionaire right now, but SPOILER ALERT I’m not perfect. It’s no secret I’m a writer, but I find my words lacking when it comes to you. Angel, queen, goddess, should I stick with beautiful? I place you so high because you could never let me down. Hell, I never would have believed you would fall for me baby girl. How about the fact that I go so low hoping you’ll never see everything? I would say I’m an open book, but then like a couple of days ago I fear everyone knows too much.

You know like I’m some Erotic novel that needs that HEA disclaimer. With other people, well, I’ve lost friends and family. Now you and me, I need to know that there is a happy ending. In this day and age, I would be surprised if you hadn’t looked me up before we were together. I’m always one for research because I like the control. People can’t be too careful, but still, I wonder what makes you different. Other than being right here and now not running away. Deciding you’ll stay with me; how I wish my playlist were the only thing you’d find. That’s another reason I want my name in the public eye. Of course, you’re not one to be blinded by the glitz and the glamour. Why am I still hiding from you after all this time Love?

Higher aspirations, headphones, wanting to build Heaven for an angel? I still remember reading that somewhere, if you desire an angel, you have to aspire to build her such a home. It wouldn’t bother me if my “blood” read my books but you? Would I give you my phone right now; of course, but I fear you would run? I don’t want any secrets between us; only I don’t want to be alone either. If there is one word that defines me, it would be fear. Only it gets lost in everything else that I am. So why do I think I have the right to ask for everything that you are and may become. You became my wife, the mother of our children. I want to be a better man, but more so I only want to be yours. The man I am Here and Now my baby doll?

Greatest fan of your life but Let’s Look Up Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 035 ~Nothing To Prove To Anybody~

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The lives we live or survive, some people have wealth, others have scars, some have only an inch of air in front of their face, and that in itself can be too much, why are they so deserving, am I? Nothing To Prove To Anybody.

Monday, August 5, 2019

Log 035 ~Nothing To Prove To Anybody~

Ninety-Sixth Rule Madam Justice

I AM a Millionaire right now, but you don’t have to believe that. How about the fact that I respect women? Sure doesn’t look that way right? What about that I do my best at the Day Job? The idea that I love my firstborn more than anything? Of course, the big one these days would be that I’m an innocent man. It’s 4 AM, and you know the reason I’m up. For the record, I did get about six hours of sleep, and I still haven’t checked Facebook yet.

Speaking of which, when I do post some political discord there, it’s what I believe. I’m not trying to prove I’m a Dem, Liberal, or anything, only that this is what I know. Hell like Jon Snow everyone says I know nothing, but he was just himself. The problem is he didn’t know who that was most of the time. I should stop comparing myself to him, though. As always I avoid the man in the mirror too. Yesterday though I had to shave and I saw all the grey hairs; how did I get so old not living? Even now it’s like I need permission to exist. I need to prove I have the right to such a thing. My Six Impossible Things list, I have to prove I’m a good father, a man, I get apps to try and hold myself accountable Justice.

What about September, am I going to make it to Nevada. $200.00 for a number I never use, how much do I spend on Brainbuddy, and I was checking out some Cosplayer. If anything I’m proving fear runs my life and I get that for free. Let’s not forget the other $250 for my book and even more for a cover. What about all the motivational speakers I listen to or the time spent lost in music wanting to feel brave. Don’t be brave, have a little common sense as one song goes. All this effort for people that don’t give a damn and hell I don’t either. That is until something hurts them like the hack job. Again being a dominant and a sadist I get turned on by pain but only that which I control. Pain proves we’re still alive, so why don’t I embrace all of it in my life Madam Justice.

The answer is still this, Nothing To Prove To Anybody.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 034 ~An Aha Moment Will~

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Last week I named friends, yesterday I named an enemy and as the song goes “his name was my name too” the fact that he, she, or it tried to steal it; but my little boy saved me, mentioning his name would be a bad idea. “An Aha Moment Will.”

Sunday, August 4, 2019

Log 034 ~An Aha Moment Will~

To Will:
I AM a Millionaire right now like Aha is a real word. Well, that sound does beat the heart pounding in your chest. What about the snoring you should be doing? Hyperventilating perhaps or the internal screaming I was all about yesterday? The pings from messages and emails all from yesterday. The sound of your son’s name, which is one of the reasons you might know salvation. Hours of fear it seems and so yes an audible scream would be a welcome change.

Now you shouldn’t think that with everything going on these days. Let’s not get into that, ore that enough people giving their two cents. Speaking of sense, it’s good I haven’t said my son’s name. Ironic that one of the only good things in your life you can’t even acknowledge. SIGH, so here we go, yesterday I got hacked. It happened out of the blue, no warning, no bells or whistles. Only a ping and a decent human being. Since that moment, I was running around trying to make sense of it. Begging and pleading for forgiveness. You know how they say your ultimate power and weakness stare back at you in the mirror. Scarier still when it’s on your screen for the world to see. I owe you an apology for the fact that you are living with the fear as well. Yes, and still, these Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 003 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 002 No Fap)
  2. I AM Always The “Father” B III Deserves
    Failed
  3. I AM Naming My Novel And Writing A Back Cover Of Another
    Failed
  4. I AM Reviewing The Five
    Failed
  5. I AM Bringing My Email Inbox To Zero
    Failed
  6. I AM Finishing Reading Beauty in the Broken: A Diamond Magnate Novel by
    Charmaine Pauls Failed
  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 002 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I AM Always The “Father” B III Deserves
  3. I AM Publishing My Poetry Compilation “GULP”
  4. I AM Reviewing The Five
  5. I AM Bringing My Email Inbox To Zero
  6. I AM Finishing Reading Beauty in the Broken: A Diamond Magnate Novel by Charmaine Pauls

Only you can’t think about them right now. No, you’re up at 4:00 AM not because you made a choice. You would have fallen asleep again no question but the fear Will? Staring at your phone like you’re one of the characters in One Missed Call. Knowing shame like Lady Mormont as if you “refused the call.” I did too busy being afraid. Again you’re awake because you are no doubt. Rule 002 states, “You Are Not A Caveman,” and Rule 1 you always say. Today though are you still going to jump at your phone’s command. Will you hit your screen and so many buttons in terror? Waste every footstep running for your life. I know you’re not a fan of laughter. Every breath is like a fight for survival. Your stomach is churning with the sickness that’s you.

Last night you got a good idea thanks to “Indiana Gone” and Haley Pullos. Inspiration indeed is a beautiful sound right, An Aha Moment Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 031 ~Will Takes A Drive~

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Vroom, vroom, I’ve slept in my car before, but as far as “sleeping” with someone else well, I have a pretty good driving record considering some things and only ever got pulled over twice and for a black man that’s dangerous. Will Takes A Drive.

Thursday, August 1, 2019

Log 031 ~Will Takes A Drive~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
I AM a Millionaire right now but not a car guy. If I earn enough money, I only want five cars. Mine, My Wife’s, Street Jet (Rob Dyrdek), Soccer Mom’s Minivan, and a Limo plus hot tub. My kids will get cars too, but time to talk about baby-making and not baby-raising Dirty Diana I hope.

At least, I want to can’t say I’m feeling my inner pimp at the moment. Yeah this coming from the guy that first thing in the morning looked up Kosame Dash. “Public Pickups” is fast becoming a favorite and to think weeks ago, it was “Oldje.” I still think about that woman in the Walmart parking lot, my chance at “Street Blowjobs.” The things that turn me on Dirty Diana hmm, innocence, plaid skirts, and in this moment cars. The voyeur side of me or the exhibitionist, having two cameras. I’m always worried about how people see me these days. One more reason I’m not all hot, at least in my pants. Besides getting mad at work, I lost another friend on Facebook. I know I always take things like this too hard; no not like that, Brainbuddy asked will I make August clean? Hell, it hasn’t been twenty-four hours, but I’m only doing research.

Speaking of my “learning,” I’ve looked over the motivations of women. I make that sound so deep, but let’s look at “Wolfenstein: Youngblood.” I like vulnerable women with the heart to fight, but there’s something about women that can kick ass. Jessie and Sophie Blazkowicz, Anya, Abby. Back in the day, I was all for Gabrielle, the Battling Bard of Potidaea. How about the fact I like women that are shapely enough to get down in a car? Refer to my list of five, which pretty much means all women. Getting back to my drives, yes I’m still a sadist, watching pain gets me going, inflicting it more so. If anything though I want a woman that makes me her drive, her focus. Give me Taylor Townsend stalking me any day, and I’d be down.

Don’t need a woman for that though I’m still down about plenty of things. One month to make a million dollars. My job leaves me scared. I have friends that are hurting something awful. I got two cars and nowhere to go. People run me so Will Takes A Drive.

I Will Have No Fear