Tag: Writing

Episode 162 ~I’m Only Human After All~

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It’s the most “beautiful” time of the year, baby it’s cold outside, and do I look like Charlie Brown, I doubt he would change places with me today, nobody would and of course, count my blessings, be grateful, don’t complain. I’m Only Human After All.

Monday, December 10, 2018

Episode 162 ~I’m Only Human After All~

Sixty-Second Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars, to keep it, find sin and indulge but if you want to give it away, find virtue and exploit the Hell out of it; now I have always been one for the readings of Le Marquis de Sade and LUST, but that makes me a monster… maybe? If I wanted to be more human, I think the sin I’m looking for is GREED, or at least that’s most people because it gives us time to think about what we truly want to be or at least keeps us from getting into worse or dead.

“Lust is to the other passions what the nervous fluid is to life; it supports them all, lends strength to them all ambition, cruelty, avarice, revenge, are all founded on lust.” ― Marquis de Sade

Considering what I think about humanity, namely that of all life forms humans are the “worse” all I’ve ever wanted to know is my manhood and days like today I’m realize that me even wanting that is a joke. I can already tell you today my reason for being a writer… nobody ever lets me answer anything; like I said greedy but for air, and while I want money, maidens, my dog sigh, I wonder why I can’t fucking breathe most days and yes Justice, the “language.” I don’t wonder what it means to be human or even alive most days I’m Only Surviving, After All, that’s what needs doing these days but being a workhorse, a victim, some pain does not sit well ever.

“If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face – forever.”
George Orwell

I must sound like I’m repeating myself which is another reason for these rules and my want to be, hell I don’t know what, monsters don’t live with the consequences, “B III” shows me that animals do remember, and words are immortal again why I’m writing. One more reason, because I don’t have to get up, I hurt my ankle today getting out of the way of some girl; knowing how I disrespect women writing-wise on the daily “men” are told we are inferior to women… okay, that’s opening a can of worms but is that not what I am? An infection, an ant, a rodent, another way of explaining my nightmares, of course, I was listening to my Motivations, and they talk about what a miracle human beings are, then I remember politicians, parents, people in general and they put the blame on me.

Madam Justice, either I’m not human at all, and I’m getting sick and tired of everyone well… you know I don’t have any answers, but I wish they would give me the benefit of one breath to figure it out, not that I’m doing myself any favors sleeping all the time. On the other hand, I am human, and people are far too concerned with being miracles, children of God, icons, whatever and they don’t need to know ever when they see me, I’m nothing, I’m Only Human After All.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 160 ~Love, A Medicinal Will~

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A choice, live your life with hate or love and embrace death, I’ve seen it recently “Me Before You” “A Million Little Things” and speaking of little things, my little boy won’t take his tiny pills, and my heart is too big. Love, A Medicinal Will

Saturday, December 8, 2018

Episode 160 ~Love, A Medicinal Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
How To Make One Million Dollars, do something like “Are You The One,” I’m sure shows like The Bachelor/Bachelorette make a lot of coins or love anything besides people and animals, that is if you don’t plan on keeping the money. Love is priceless, love is infinite, and love is broke because with life too many things can go wrong and maybe hearts have to be empty so that you can fill them with, well whatever, to make room how you can.

Does size matter; I mean that in a purely non-sexual way since I broke my NoFap streak yet again because of two dark haired MILFs and two blonde actresses; yeah when the bed is empty, and I’m pushing nightmares aside, something has to fill the void. Plates get larger since I’m not sharing. Nevermind the fact my belly seems that much more empty today. I don’t feel like eating as I’m full of such emotions, hell maybe I’m the one in need of medication. B III sigh his heart is becoming too much for his little body, but his big mouth won’t let him swallow the tiniest of pills he needs, because my love can’t save him, love is eternal.

Hate doesn’t have to be, though I have views on that as well, it can be like the nightmares I’ve been having about my pest problem, I dreamt that I was holding the door closed and rats, snakes, even alligators, were trying to get through, along with the ants and other creepy crawlers. It’s that rage that builds up inside me that makes me feel like I’m going to explode and maybe I can understand why guys try to get bigger or at least carry more muscle. When I’m writing, fifty-thousand words seems like a daunting task, but then they don’t seem to be enough, I have so much more darkness, that must know oblivion.

The difference between love and hate, one makes you bigger to encompass more, the other makes you smaller, and there never is enough room, it’s a thin line when it comes to B III, hating what he’s doing now has him locked up, because I won’t have this house empty without love. Is it the same in BDSM I wonder, bondage, focusing pain and pleasure because I might lose myself to something as big as love… that’s a big pill to swallow am I right Luna; Love, A Medicinal Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 156 ~Love Can’t Will Time~

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Honestly, it’s not NaNoWriMo making me cry, but I have been so out of it lately, and today I wanted to break down; I swear a shoulder, a lap, in a minute I’ll be like “B III” looking for comfy spots on the anatomy. Love Can’t Will Time

Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Episode 156 ~Love Can’t Will Time~

Dear Future Wife,
How To Make One Million Dollars, I wish there were time, but I’m too busy making it for someone else which is why I want it so badly, not the money, but the time it takes, can you imagine, especially in these last two months? I can’t be sure about the saying money Can’t Buy Me Love, and I’m not saying you’re Gold Digger (am I dead yet) what I mean is if there were time and there are days I work so hard for a dollar…

I would love you like Bedlam, Pandemonium, the walls of my skull because I would need you to wrap me up in your arms, to have my back, to stay by my side, to keep me in, more than your thoughts and prayers though you are the one person I might believe. Love in itself is a form of insanity, and I hope I never recover but at the same time, the things that are known to hearts and minds, to the soul, people talk about love in terms of forever, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, did I mention I’m a traditionalist? You see love doesn’t have to tell time because it is always there but as I said today, why can’t I be, my head hurts, my heart feels on the verge of shattering, I don’t want to move, my eyes say the soul needs a rest day now.

I want to love you like one of my novels, You’re My Latest Greatest Inspiration, and sometimes I’m going to think you’re the best thing ever, and I can’t wait to tell you anything and everything. Other times I don’t understand anything at all, and I’ll kick myself because I know I should do better and I’m going to look at us and set my alarm for later, I’m going to starve, I’ll count every minute because I can’t go to bed with us like this. As one of my motivations says, greatness takes a lifetime commitment, and that’s what I want for us, this is what I’m willing to give but to love you and to live, how I need more time, more tries, to figure out why having two opposable thumbs makes me wise somehow or another.

Evolution, man, lover, husband, father and then there are times I want to be a boy standing in front of a girl asking her to love him, and sometimes that will be easy and other times like today… I can see more hard days on the horizon but it doesn’t take all day to recognize sunshine as John said in Fear The Walking Dead, finding love even in the apocalypse, so Love Can’t Will Time.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 155 ~Are You There, Break Through~

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Maybe I miss cracking open a good book, eight hours a day doing something you hate is enough to anesthetize one’s heart, and that’s great to keep the monster locked up in his cage I suppose. Are You There, Break Through.

Monday, December 3, 2018

Episode 155 ~Are You There, Break Through~

Sixty-First Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars, don’t rob a bank, don’t sell off the things I enjoy, and while I liked gambling on horse races once upon a time, that didn’t exactly pan out in the end. Now I take this rule in several different ways but let’s try two tonight, one is something, someone getting to me and the other is me “trying” to get somewhere but which do you prefer dear Madam Justice?

“My wife used to say I’m a hard man to know. Like a closed book. Complained about it all the time. She was beautiful. God, I loved her. I just didn’t know how to show it, that’s all.” Andy Dufresne ― The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

Do you know why I admire heroines so much, Katniss Everdeen, Beatrice “Tris” Prior, Ember Miller, MacKayla Lane, how about the dozens I read about in erotica, these are women who test the hardest of men and no matter what they take what these men dish out and keep coming. You know what makes me hard Madam Justice and I mean that in a completely non-sexual way… I can already read my tombstone; I need a woman that can break through a mausoleum, walk through hell, I’m the dragon waiting for the princess to “keep” the psycho with the basement, the zombie that wants to come back to life. Damn if that’s not a good story idea and speaking of which why do you think all my stories take place at the end of things; if I was the only boy and she was the only girl sort of way.

“Hearts are wild creatures, that’s why our ribs are cages.”
― Elalusz, Found On Goodreads

Now on the other side of the pillow, when I’m not locked in some stupor, I always feel like I’m on the verge of exploding in rage, bawling my eyes out, or any number of things I want to keep up inside. Take “The Girl in 6E” for example; hell writing is only one more cage to confine myself in, cover to cover as it were because if I let any of those inspirations out; Shusaku, Isaku, Kisaku, Mold by Barbell, Vault Girls… “Okay” asked do I fear failure, far from it, if I fear anything it’s that once I let this all go, who I am will disappear forever because it’s as if I need to destroy myself so others can’t do it ever.

I’ve said it enough, I’m a greedy S.O.B. be it pleasure, pain, and power, the thing is I don’t dare to open that door at all Madam Justice, I don’t fear the monster, I want to join him more than anything, but it’s the difference between Alessa and Sharon… (Silent Hill, I use a lot of heroines don’t I?) So I’m sitting here wanting something to come through, but I don’t know if it will be good or evil, right or wrong, choose the form of the destructor and all, what’s one more reference, Destroyed by Pepper Winters “Hazel and Roan” to have such control but something is coming honestly, Are You There, Break Through.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Ctgn7kKYHo

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 153 ~Will Is Back Alright~

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You did not take up to be mediocre, even if you’re on your back all day your eyes are wide freaking open, and you know what you are, an actress, a superhero, working for NASA perhaps and I am a writer. “Will Is Back Alright.”

Saturday, December 1, 2018

Episode 153 ~Will Is Back Alright~

Hey Lady Lu,
How To Make One Million Dollars, well there was an experiment with NASA where I could be paid thousands to stay on my back for a few months; trust me like white people don’t want to be black, I don’t want to be a girl but if I were a pretty one I’d do porn. Of course, guys do porn too but that doesn’t seem to be in the cards, and how much has “B III” made just lying here. Free room and board, medical care, he has me rubbing his belly and head on most days.

Lying on my back is not my purpose, and I did not wake up to mediocre, so why did I wake up at all… walk “Triple B” (it was raining), his medication, check the “War Room” the battle goes well, you are what you eat (Chicken) and talking to you. Sometimes I ask myself, have I always been like this; when I was trying to end my life, taking sleeping pills, painkillers, one every half hour because you know I’m a stickler for time, there was my reason for staying in bed hurting. Now I stay in bed merely trying to recover, and that means nothing is getting done, besides novels, naughty fantasies, and counting what will never happen ever.

Not all heroes don capes, but a lot do because they know who they are, others believe in who the people protected might be someday, and others want to know how strong their enemy is and know they can’t fall back, their backs to the wall. Another benefit is heroes fight back to back so they know who they can trust, villains always worry about knives, so at least evil is forever on their toes, but my point is they are awake and alive. November was about the walking dead (my version of them), whores, and wakefulness; so why do I only want more, falling to me is akin to failure, and I continually return to one of my Motivations where Eric Thomas quoting 50 Cent says, sleep is for those people who are broke.

You know I can complain about money, but for longer than that I haven’t only been “broke” I’ve been dead, and I can’t imagine who I was before, and if I go back let’s say to October, I wasn’t exactly living either. Zombies wake up to feed, and that’s it, though I might be a “Whisperer,” yeah waking up to watch The Walking Dead, my most active time, death is when one feels the most alive and if I could be that guy every moment screaming Will Is Back Alright.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 151 ~Buttons, Zippers, Tied Will~

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Buttons, Zippers, Tentacles, oh my did I finish one more novel tonight, but I don’t pay for sex, maybe some women will… am I that confident that my book will sell? “Buttons, Zippers, Tied Will,” nope not honestly but my hands are free now.

Thursday, November 29, 2018

Episode 151 ~Buttons, Zippers, Tied Will~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
How To Make One Million Dollars, how much do women get to take their clothes off, whatever it is, they probably make more than their male counterparts and talk about a job I would do for free. Tonight though the only buttons that I’m taking apart are my laptop’s and with another Fifty Thousand words in the hole, I’m surprised this thing hasn’t fallen apart much like my sanity for No Nut November, a failure right?

Not NaNoWriMo though, after I mean, clearing my mind I finished the last nine hundred words and I couldn’t zip my lips from bragging about it, even now I’m thinking about all the ladies I wish would open up, the MILF, this portrait I’ve become obsessed with, a fellow writer that I know. Seriously I need some handcuffs, but I would use them for all the wrong reasons; as you know, I’m not one for leather or even rope. Fucking with clothes on or using a girl’s clothing in some exciting ways, panty gags, tied up with bras, and why I continuously attest to being a breast man, hiking up skirts and dresses, nice legs… Yeah my BDSM tendencies aren’t going anywhere, one more thing about being in control, which is why I’m a writer, I have one word for you, “Tentacles,” to this day I still remember how I discovered Hentai, Princess Ayeka *drools*

A guy can dream can’t he and isn’t that what I’m doing because who am I to say what erotica does to women… that’s something worth looking up beside other things men are always looking to press women on, publishing, in their bachelor pads, and making porn. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s getting so cold outside, you know I’m only looking forward to Winter for one reason, and yeah I won’t be pressing so many buttons late into the night, at least not these anyway. Lately, every button I’ve pressed has been something terrible, my novel, a can of bug spray, cutting on the defroster in the car because yes I drive yet one more ice cube these days.

Zippers are no good, my coat, bags of candy, and when I do have to put on my jeans I won’t be going anywhere fun, but I’m going to see what movies are playing anyway because I’ve got the time. Well, maybe not if I expect to make that million dollars and already I have to spend money on my clothes, my winner’s T-shirt, a new hoodie, nothing that makes the panties drop because, Dirty Diana, Buttons, Zippers, Tied Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 149 ~Sea Will, Cue Waterworks~

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Last week I was defending the house and this week t should be bedtime, maybe family time, and of course it’s the last week of NaNoWriMo, so yes plenty of writing and no dreams of the beach. Sea Will, Cue Waterworks

Tuesday, November 27, 2018

Episode 149 ~Sea Will, Cue Waterworks~

Dear Future Wife,
How To Make One Million Dollars, because the last thing I’ll be asking you to get me is a beer and I don’t care if you drink… in moderation, if only I could do my writing as such these days. Started From The Bottom now we’re here right, from those days when I was buried in bed sheets or drowning myself with tears with one more book, and I know you wish I were here more honestly.

Sitting on the beach with my laptop watching you and the children play in the waves; a woman that dares me to be brave because of all the apocalypses I’ve written about none of them have involved the deep blue sea, and of course, you know why that is. Hopefully, you won’t find me someday, face down in a bowl of soup or Chowder, I don’t think I’ve ever had that, and again I wouldn’t ask for it. Not even so much for a glass of water but the fact that you would care to bring me one; why is it that I find love so Complicated, yeah sometimes the music helps with my writing, and sometimes you find it annoying or maybe not I’m so lucky you’re caught up.

I remember when talking to you worked up a sweat and not only a deadline; I suppose one day I’ll have some other than the ones I impose on myself, “B III” wondering when’s dinner time, the two-legged kids wanting playtime, and the things you’re up too. When it’s not my novels that have me feeling some weird way, it’s the thought that again I want to stay on this beach, to have enough to afford a yacht, and I enjoy fishing, what about a wine cellar, I barely drink the stuff but being a wealthy writer… It means pouring my blood, sweat, and tears into this but I want to be the man that’s getting you chicken soup when you’re ill, sitting with you asking why Starbucks exist, to toast cold nights with hot cocoa with plenty of marshmallows and some whip cream too.

For now though, it’s an energy shot and you baby girl, are you mad, should I be afraid, and if I were to be a typical man, yes I will work on the bathtub at some point because it’s reminding me of InTown Suites bathrooms… or the day job *shudders*. Now I’m not sure if I honestly do need a drink, chocolate, something dripping in cheese or butter, maybe smothered in gravy, until that day you convince me somehow on our vacation to go Under The Sea Will, Cue Waterworks.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 146 ~Win, Will It Count~

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We’re counting on you, nope no one has ever said that to me or placed a price on my head but all these numbers swimming around in my head, remind me of doing Inventory at the day job and when will I stop looking at these digits. “Win, Will It Count.”

Saturday, November 24, 2018

Episode 146 ~Win, Will It Count~

Hey Lady Lu,
How To Make One Million Dollars, maybe when I stop counting the hours I work and ignoring those I sleep, how about doing something other than the bare minimum for my writing; when will I start adding up the victories instead of hoping for that one day. If anything I’ve Seen Better Days, this morning I was set to declare victory in the bug war, but the battle rages on, “B III” is mad about his medication for some hours and don’t even get me started about No Nut November Lady Lu.

If anything the only number that truly matters nowadays is my NaNoWriMo score, and again I’m not going to count that as a victory as of yet considering everything else that’s crashed and burned. Take my day job for example, how many days have I slid in under the wire because of a lack of sleep, the temperature, and whatever scientific products they put in all those sprays to melt ice. Should we talk about the money situation, I swear, I am doing more math than any class, but of course I have no right to complain, other than planning on a shower, why is that not happening friend, again?

Last night, definitely goes on the top ten of worse nights ever, from being in a knot about one bitch, almost getting fired, and how many sleeping pills did I take one night only to survive up until now. How many Youtube videos have I watched in the name of motivation, when’s the last time I heard from “Indiana Gone” or “Okay” and when will I go back to eating some solid meals. I don’t know what to tell you Lady Lu; it’s almost as if the price to breathe had gone up, three breaths when it was only one, a cadre of ants, when we were once looking at two, getting up at 1:55 AM because my kid threw his schedule out of whack.

An unfortunate choice of words because I haven’t gone twenty-four hours, I need something, and I wish I could say my story was that sexy or I was reading something as such but no, and hell it’s not even like I need the clarity. What can I count on that doesn’t make me miserable I ask, possibly counting my son’s breaths when we’re not fighting about his meds, that’s one, NaNoWriMo… Win, Will It Count?

“Because it doesn’t matter if you’re a good or bad person on the inside. The numbers don’t care.” Judith Grimes

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 144 ~Get No Satisfaction, Will~

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I can get plenty of food, especially today and I am grateful, my little boy and I aren’t fighting, and the little pests have all found destruction, still a speck here or there but my anxiety & desire… my sweet buttery Jesus. Get No Satisfaction Will

Thursday, November 22, 2018

Episode 144 ~Get No Satisfaction, Will~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
How To Make One Million Dollars, don’t pay for what’s in the middle, no you never pay for the pussy, hearts should never know brokenness, barter, or a price, you don’t look to afford what goes between her lips, comes out of them, or anything to break the silence. Well I didn’t make a million, but I did save with Thanksgiving dinner arriving today, that’s probably something better to be thankful for honestly, my belly is full, my dog is comfortable, and while my motivations say that my comfort zone is my enemy, I’m Feeling Good.

So why aren’t I satisfied, why do I not seek out satisfaction besides Rule 009 “Satisfaction, The Death Of Desire” by the time I have everything I could want I might as well be dead, but I wake up to the teasing every single morning. You remember how I said that when I return to the house, I have fifteen minutes to decompress, to make it as though the day didn’t happen after that I don’t I have to live with anything. Depending on how that goes I either feel an overwhelming sense of shame or clarity of mind, both I find right after a Fapping session, and that is not anything to pure satisfaction.

Not like for “Pay Two Plague” you do remember my NaNoWriMo novel, oh how I would find teasing for writing it but my characters are straight to the point, over 129 ways to satisfy themselves… I am a greedy S.O.B. aren’t I? Even writing and yes this is more Lady Sophia’s thing, but there’s foreplay, I blah the actual sex, and then the aftermath is usually quite the bombshell. I swear I am not good at a one-night stand as the song goes or maybe I don’t believe there is one girl out there that could see all of me and eye all of her through the Eyes of Grace.

Hello and Goodbye, Before and After, it’s the middle that always gets me, the present, one more reason I might dream of the end of the world because when there is nowhere left to go then, I don’t have to ask her to Stay With Me. Like father like son, “B III” isn’t getting any either so what can I tell him, I’m Stuck In The Middle With You right, but a guy can still dream of a great many wants, but at the end of the day admittedly I Can’t Get No Satisfaction, Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 139 ~Willing Parody Of Life~

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I think I know enough about life to fake it, go to work, kill the pests (ants), and there is a bed to sleep in and a roof over my head, and that’s all there is but wait there’s more because what I have seen so far… “Willing Parody Of Life.”

Saturday, November 17, 2018

Episode 139 ~Willing Parody Of Life~

Hey Lady Lu,
How To Make One Million Dollars, give life or take it, and no My Lady I’m not crazy though if I can be candid with you Luna, these days the thought of my life has only begun depressing me further. Today *sigh* It Was A Good Day, now nowhere near as good as it was supposed to be… Five Thousand words, remember that but I think I’ve written most of a “wonderful” solid chapter for my novel.

I was dead asleep for most of the day which might explain why physically I feel so wide awake, that and being a spokesman for 5-hour ENERGY, not for real but a shot a day gives me the words to say. Speaking of shots, that would have been faster I believe, a military man especially a commander should keep a journal I heard once, as far as the war against the ant population, it goes well, two ant baits and I now have a pest mass genocide. One more day off and then there’s hell to pay, as in Black Friday, how I wish I could summon up my rage against the General Manager, why not the general population, I’m not picky, only picked on.

The question tonight is, why am I the biggest bully of them all, don’t get me wrong, my day job is doing awesome destroying me, you would think I would take this more seriously, writing but still I remain. People talk about these weeks as a season of miracles, I only want one, and that’s to finish my novel on time and with everything that is about to happen… Well, one more good thing, my Mother is cooking which means “B III” and I should eat well if we make it until Thursday but then again, don’t I get paid Friday and if I had my way I wouldn’t go out on either of those days so yeah yay Mom.

Maybe that’s it; I’m a bully that’s been knocked down but beating myself up is so damn easy that yeah everyone does it, and I still want to lend a hand because that’s what I do, hurt myself to benefit others. I heard this ad that says Christmas reminds us of how good we can be, “Triple B” is alive I’m right, I haven’t tried to kill myself in ages, that works, I might have reclaimed some of this house, okay then but what’s not, this Willing Parody Of Life.

I Will Have No Fear