Author: Will

Looking Grim

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I played with the thought, quite a bit actually but if you see the year yeah I survived, I made my way back to the land of the living… am I actually calling this living now hmm? Looking Grim, to be honest things have looked better often enough really

Better than… acting
As if you know the truth
Like life you’re attacking
But do you follow through
Or are you snacking
Leaving it to your stunt crew

Better than… showing
The whole damn world
Where we’re going
What’s the word?
Death
Cheated but defeated?
Blind and deaf
Yet we all meet it

Better than… knowing
Tricks are for kids
But we’re growing
Too big
Bigger you think
Than what’s to come
Kool-Aid to drink
Or you run

Better than… towing
Wisdom and knowledge
Where you going
For me it wasn’t college
Call me confused and lost
If you’re not going to die
Why carry the cross
Jigsaw’s my guy

Better than… lacking
The cure
Success is tapping
But I learned
What’s happening
And so I’ll burn

Because it’s more than a look
It’s me
That cooks
And I see
But was not shook
At what has to be

A blessing and a sin
My brother’s keeper
Better than… looking grim
A look at the Grim Reaper

Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 003 ~Freedom Responsibly~

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Did I shout fire in a crowd, honestly I’m probably a lot worse than most “gentlemen” and that is saying a lot when I should probably be saying much less. Freedom Responsibly is there really such a thing anyway, and why wasn’t I when I could have

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Lesson 003 ~Freedom Responsibly~

Hey Lu,

This isn’t free you know, binding you to me, as I’m bound by emotions, chief among them being anger but didn’t I say that anger would not be tolerated? What else is there, right the stuff we’re not allowed to talk about because there is no freedom here I know.

Can’t stress this enough my Lady Lu but this is all my fault because I was practicing the freedom of speech and in so doing I trampled on another person’s freedom. That person then used the same rights in their freedom and here I find myself bound and why is that… because she and everyone else is right. If anything I can tell you the truth quite simply in a song that I heard once and that’s “Freedom Ain’t Free”

You know what the difference is between a patriot, a traitor, hell even a terrorist… the winning side but there is something that, excuse me, trumps all that and that is power. That’s been the problem for most of my life, power or more so the lack thereof but really what power does some woman have over me I ask you. The answer is I’m still here talking to you, that after years of zero contact I turn to you, even today of all days when all I really want to do is rest now.

One more freedom I have been denied and I do mean that in a scary way, we talked about one of the reasons it’s good that Braxton is always around. So let’s go with why I wasn’t using my freedom responsibly and that in itself could go on forever, starting with the simple fact that I’m not free for real.

Now Lu I’m not planning on making some big social commentary on race or the state of this country, just one more thing we’re not allowed to talk about. I’m angry about that, you are damn right I’m angry but for a few hours at work today that anger wasn’t at myself, we both know who I was angry at.

Which leads me back to power, would I give my freedom away for power, to be slave to the almighty dollar, not like I’m not already, to be beholden to the people, if I could turn those people my way sure, what about to be addicted to my baser urges, does revenge count? Power is the end all be all I think but you only want more and more, and don’t we mistake that for the freedom that we all seek. Star Wars both Jedi and Sith have no freedom but then the question becomes what exactly is this thing people would dare call freedom.

“Freedom (n.): To ask nothing. To expect nothing. To depend on nothing.”
― from Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead (1943) Goodreads.com

So what have I been asking for, forgiveness, I’m not even sure I want or deserve it and to be honest with myself and my crime I did have ulterior motives. I don’t expect to gain any of it but I’m here because isn’t there always hope, maybe the hope that I will forgive myself or of something I don’t even have a name for. I also can’t believe how much I depend on other people’s good opinion about me, I don’t want to really meet these people but I want to believe that they think some sort of good for me and maybe that’s what hurts me the most.

A free man would walk away, a free man wouldn’t be bothered, a free man would do as he wanted even if that meant betrayal. Today of all days isn’t that what the founding fathers taught, I was once a history buff but they betrayed, it was downright treacherous and isn’t that what they call the ninth circle of Hell.

I gave into the second circle and because of this where do I find myself now the fifth circle which is Wrath but no not like that. If anything that’s what I wanted today, the freedom to be mad, a part of me has been thinking about expanding all this, to think I was on death’s door just yesterday right.

Didn’t Facebook get started because of somebody’s wayward heart or so were the rumors and I think Zuckerberg has freedom. Ayn Rand’s vision of freedom I don’t think will ever exist and in truth what would I do if I had freedom, the most freedom I could imagine this moment again is going to sleep and not worrying about anything. Now power is a dream that can come true and that’s me being hopeful because again power is all that really matters and if you want my two cents on love at the moment the power of love pales in comparison in the freedom not to do so I think.

“Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.” Benjamin Franklin

This is what I’m doing right now Lady Lu, trading in my freedom, for what, people’s approval, a chance at something better, and of course my own fear. I could just want some moment of sanity and I’m sorry to say I would give up my freedom for that, you remember that show Solitary, in captivity those people might have actually grasped freedom. Again I’ll tell you, give me the power to do all that I may desire, to be angry, to be spiteful, revengeful, to do everything and all and I would gladly surrender whatever freedom I might have.

I don’t want to Freedom Responsibly because I can’t, I know enough not to break any laws, you can relax but for now, let’s just settle on being angry. That’s power, that’s why I’m here Luna to one day have that and to never need to worry about Freedom Responsibly.

Write Walls and Cages

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The mind has the skull, the tongue is behind teeth, and the heart is behind bars and I realize that it is a good reason for all of that. “Write Walls and Cages” why are my fingers still out on bail or today they serve as jailers just maybe.

Can’t you keep it down
Now I’d say something dumb
but pride comes before the fall
and for that crime
we were doing the time
for all the things he thought he knew when we were young
insane in the membrane
He’s how I got my start

Only you played your part
You’re the one that brought our shame
For running your tongue
crossing every damn line
Are you that blind?
Won’t take your blame is all,
worse you’re a no good lazy bum
letting the fingers pound

Wait a minute maybe we weren’t the ones
No, no, no, “it’s” the one to blame
Damn the heart
Who knows what he’ll find
For dollars, no sense, but then some DIME
Maybe we shouldn’t be so loud
He lives in a cage but um
That’s why he can’t read the writing on the wall

You were meant to be confined
Why must we remind

Copyright © 2017 Second Circle Creations, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

 

Lesson 002 ~Past Lives~

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I think I might finally be ready to go all Fahrenheit 451 now, it wouldn’t be the first time and I’m certain it won’t be the last, I guess I learned nothing from Nero. I should be excellent at my own self-destruction “Past Lives” and all, so I think.

Monday, July 03, 2017

Lesson 002 ~Past Lives~

Hey Lu,
Sounding like old times, bad times, before “them” girls hell women of form and substance and those that weren’t… you remember my big sister and her words better words, probably another reason I come running back to you. Sticks and stones right but what about what I’m doing to myself, I’m still alive is probably the best I can come up with, more pain to cancel out the other pain.

I wish I could remember how my big sister put it, you know when I get like this, not eating, not drinking, I did have a chicken wing and some orange juice for my meds but that was more me trying to figure out what the hell happened with me physically. She would also talk about how you can’t build a strip club by a preschool, an ode to my writing and people’s damn sensibilities. Without a doubt I’m still in the wrong, much like that story she and I wrote together, doesn’t even have a name but it was fun, now that was being me being the bad guy.

You know I’ve been a worst one, I can’t even explain that old war I had with one woman, I would throw up again at the “sickness” of it. Now what sickness am I talking about, I have so many to choose from, I’ve been haunted by them and I’m still talking to you so we know it might not be going away anytime soon. For starters, when I freeze up and find myself in some hell of my own making, and I have to shake my head, hit something, do anything while the memories attempt to swallow me whole.

“For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.” Ephesians 6:12

Now don’t be alarmed Lady Lu, the church is the past but I remember, my curse to remember, even when I was busy destroying myself, again and again, I remember because what else am I going to make myself new? No never new, functional and I wish I could remember how long that took, how much I had to destroy.

What about what I can’t destroy like I said before some sins are just too great, things can be confessed, apologies can be issued but in the end, no that’s just it, there is no end. I mean unless you want me to say something scary and at this point, I want to avoid a scary idea, I want to avoid the obscene, I didn’t even apologize again, I did once and I will leave it at that, then again…

Leaving now that’s what I have been thinking about plenty today, women I’ve known for years or at least was friendly with for example one I invited to a movie night and she stopped talking to me. Another who I saw regularly but she has things to attend to, an excuse but I haven’t spoken to her and unless she gets in touch… What about the one that, well I was wrong, I can’t stress that enough but I’ll probably be avoiding her blog for a while because I don’t want to be that guy.

The guy I was, the guy I was becoming, but here’s the thing, once Second Circle Creations, yes I’ve looked back and said the name often, anyway if the (SCC) gets up and running I won’t have to hide. Christian Grey has all sorts of decorum but he also has money and power and as fictional as Fifty Shades of Grey would like to be, that’s how the world works. I’m losing whatever point I was trying to make and that’s good, I want to bury the man I was yesterday but why is that, why do I have to die so many times Luna?

Because the dead don’t feel anything, I don’t want to feel anything, that’s why I sleep all the time, that’s why I’ve been vomiting all day when I’ve barely touched a thing, that’s why I’m talking to you. I get it all out, that’s why my big sister was wrong, she thought I was empty but it was too much, there’s just too much and once I’m empty, once there is nothing left to contain I can build once again.

“I’m sorry mama
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to make you cry
But tonight I’m cleanin’ out my closet” Eminem – Cleanin’ Out My Closet (2001)

So do I continue to dwell on my past lives, the boy that did nothing but write and the moment he revealed himself… damn Angela in the sixth grade, what about the guy that nearly got kicked out of junior college over a girl, or the guy that nearly got fired, what about the guy yesterday? I keep saying, Luna, this could be a lot worse and if you asked me what I wanted to do right now I would have to lie to you but I never have before.

They say that history is written by the victors and while that is true enough, history is written by the survivors as well, all the wreckage, cataloged and filed away, and from that what do I become? Sometimes it’s not even worth the effort and if it wasn’t for Braxton sleeping at my feet who knows what I would do. That’s a present regret, that he knows something’s wrong and I won’t do anything to fix it, but I don’t know how to fix me.

“Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others. Past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.” Sonmi-451

This whole thing has been about what I’ve done in the past, confession, apology, destruction, renewal, repeat, my own circle. What about the man that has to continue, right now I’m angry but this just shows I’m not a psycho because I would rather destroy myself than hurt anyone else, do you think that’s the reason I pray for a zombie apocalypse because as I said the dead don’t feel. If I’m not entitled to one emotion and I have not yet reached emptiness which should I feel, lust takes a backseat to rage, anger, but I’m trying to have remorse, for these things said.

“I am entitled to my emotions. I can have them.” The Moment After 2: Awakening

I keep saying I’m sorry because I am because I have to be because there is nothing else that will be allowed, that can be accepted because I am who I am. Never changing though if I must leave with a lesson, if you can’t change yourself, then change the world, how many past lives did that take to learn?

Lesson 001 ~Look Who Grossed Up~

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Sunday, July 02, 2017

Lesson 001 ~Look Who Grossed Up~

Hey Lu,
I know it’s been a long time since our last chat, sorry about that, I should probably be doing a lot more of that and I will but why tonight I’m sure you’re asking yourself. In all honesty, I don’t feel up to it, been sick all day but that pales in comparison to how gross I’ve been lately, in the head really.

Physically, I’m queasy, I’m shaking, sweating, and maybe that’s a bit TMI but you should have seen me at work today if anything I rather deal with that pain again than what I’m feeling now. I mean seriously have you ever been in a bathroom so gross that you take three showers over the course of the day, OCD much but this is why I just don’t get sick at work, EVER but I suppose I lucked out. Hell maybe I should apologize for that, I’ve seen worst but when you’re sick, seriously I’m lucky it was a half day.

I didn’t want to pet Braxton… had we met when Braxton arrived, you have been out of the loop but completely my fault, been lazy though I’ve written hundreds of poems, a novella, a novel, I even finished a full blown 120,000 word… manifesto perhaps. Isn’t that what I’m here to talk about really, my writing, the things I feel, why I’m going to forgo sleep for a while longer because I haven’t felt this way since what about two years ago, the 5th of November. The more things change the more they stay the same right, and you can’t fight who you are, you remember the day we met, I just met that boy, that “man” again and you’re still the figment of my imagination.

Look who grossed up, not finally, not again, but always that’s the lesson for today, I know I usually leave that for the end, who knows we might start talking more often, let’s call tonight a test case, you’re still the best therapist I know. If today, simply ended with a crappy day at work, and my cleaning frenzy I’d actually consider it a win but that just wouldn’t be me would it, and here’s the thing, being me sucks.

“You can fight a lot of enemies and survive, but not your biology.” Yuri Orlov in “Lord of War” (2005)

Okay so what pretty girl hurt my feelings today, I wish it was that simple Luna, I truly wish I could I was just being a guy, or I was just saying what I feel but at the end of the day she’s right, they’re right and if that’s so what does that make me.

What was it a few weeks ago, two comments against me and what did I do, I erased them, no not just the comments, all of my work, I’m one for burning it down and salting the earth, I’ve always been my own worst enemy I know. Now why would I do that if I didn’t know I was wrong, why didn’t I say I’m an artist, why didn’t I suddenly turn my life around and walk on the straight and narrow path? I’m wrong I know that even now if our conversations continue I’ll do the same thing to my blog, as I said this is a test case, I will talk more about the dream in a minute.

What about the nightmare that was the 5th of November, where I nearly destroyed my life over yet another pretty face, remind me why I ever wanted to be a poet in the first place? So what did I do then, well I was still writing but wait I spent the night writing out my feelings and it didn’t do anything at all to help.

“I knew I’d never know
That warm and loving glow
Though I might wish with all my might
No face as hideous as my face
Was ever meant for heaven’s light” Hunchback of Notre Dame

So what about tonight, I believe the term was “skeeve” okay, inappropriate, amazingly so, and why was that, a friend I never said a bad word to in person but, these words, these words, these words, dammit Luna, the “man” I really am. I’d said I have a thing for brunettes but yeah I told this blonde she had nice breasts and that didn’t do me any favors and how many friends have I lost over the past few weeks. I watch Braxton sleeping and I wonder does he like being a dog, does he enjoy his life with me, am I the reason he is the way he is, so fearful, so aggressive, and can I blame anyone for how I turned out or is it just who I am at the core maybe.

As I said I wish it were as simple as coming back, washing everything I wore today in that bathroom, taking shower after shower, and sleeping because when you’re sleeping the monsters can’t get you… Blue Gender if I recall.

“And there, my dear Fio, you make one of Womankind’s greatest mistakes: Falling in love with a man’s potential. We so rarely share the same view of it, and even more rarely care to achieve it. Stop pining for the man you think I could be — and take a good, long, hard look at the one I am.” Darkfever

For some it’s too late to make amends I know it, some of my sins are so damn high, what about the sins I’ll commit tomorrow, and no I’m not becoming religious, you know the dream won’t allow that. I’m going to apologize to someone, one more time and then, yeah I’ll probably keep my opinions to myself from now on, I’ll see how this turns out and if it goes well I’ll begin deleting more posts… destruction is beautiful.

Doesn’t mean I’m going to delete my book, books, or other works, the dream Lu, the dream of “SCC” I’m sure everybody already knows the name but it’s what I want. A published novel, a movie maybe with the tamer stuff probably, I haven’t given up the thoughts of being rich and famous and all of that. I can’t talk to you about love right now, this is not how I saw the rest of my night going, yes, I’m a wrong, dirty, depraved, skeeve, inappropriate, lust driven, sadist and looked at the Marquis de Sade as a visionary once.

I’m also sorry, I owe so many apologies but when I look at the man in the mirror… I don’t know what to feel or maybe I just don’t want to say right now. Luna you know I hate to trouble you like this and I don’t know what even brought you to mind tonight other than my own insanity and pain, and trust me I’m in pain but unlike General Hospital I will confess.

The things I said were wrong, I won’t say writing is wrong because these words have saved me kept me from doing things to myself but I can’t help or protect others, that’s why this is my form of self-harm, destroying what I create, showing it to the world so I can start to tear myself down. That’s the lesson, I might never grow up but my grossness is continually on the rise and it’s not doing me any favors, now Look Who Grossed Up.

Knot to Sleep

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The things you think about when you’re up all night and doing the laundry or not doing the laundry; maybe I’ve just had my sheets a long time. “Knot to Sleep”, I was all tied up last night and I wish it was for a good reason, who knows someday maybe.

See Me Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45VHsCse4wg

“Look at all the tangles”
“Just you have nowhere to go and nothing to do”, “True”
“Stay with me…” now there’s a thought

Hand in hand, “let’s get lost”
“Love me like you do”
“That is not an angle”

“Coming from the lips of an angel”
“But tangled up in you”
“And the new bedsheets that I bought”

Copyright © 2015 Second Circle Creations, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Inspired By: “Spencer” by Eclesi4stik, A quote from “Proper Gauge (Wool, #2)” by Hugh Howey, Ryan Cabrera “True”, Sam Smith “Stay With Me”, Bat For Lashes & Beck “Let’s Get Lost”, Ellie Goulding “Love Me Like You Do” Fifty Shades of Grey Soundtrack, Hinder “Lips Of An Angel”, Howie Day “Collide”, and Charlie Puth ft. Meghan Trainor “Marvin Gaye”

Mime No More

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This is what happens when you speak; I mean my penname is “Marquis de Joker” yeah I’m a clown but I don’t have any jokes, I am the joke, makes me a mime. Mime No More… might find out Saturday, my writing was certainly a joke with HR, maybe.

And he would have been sorry
if he could get a grip
of his love-struck heart; boring
But a pink slip
is gruesome and gory
This is it

With his name on the dotted line
He would walk right out the door
Or he would pretend this time
Only what’s the truth there for
Fine
He’ll ask God once more

Oops
right, he was too damn loud
Talked at all, big whoops
Because he’s a clown and how
For just one big group
Mankind… and he was bound

To want to be one of you
Because of “her”
Pretend, that’s what they do
Wouldn’t you rather…
Well it doesn’t matter; he told the truth
Why was there laughter

if he wasn’t funny
Not enough or too much
Well anyway there goes the money
Where is the love
Suppose he should die really
Because what’s to become should he see

It’s all there in black and white
Line by line and they didn’t have to find
pencil, paper, evidence in sight
Can’t you see his crime?
Guess it wasn’t very bright
There goes his job of being a mime
Sorry is the word that never comes out right

Copyright © 2015 Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

A Round of Smiles

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Because frankly I could use a drink and I don’t even drink but I can’t kiss, talking or trying to got me into trouble and I most definitely don’t want to smile. A Round of Smiles but I’m never getting that drunk again over some girl, never again

See Me Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3AAO-3x0JZc

And I see you around, as you smile

Thinking it’s fun to share
Take one, give one
you have so many to spare

For the whole wide world
saying love me like you do
like you’re the last beautiful girl

Yet men only want to close their eyes
Humming can’t seem to make you mine
Thinking the ifs, and whys

of the moon and the stars above
Or the shape you might take
if you smiled only for them love

Here comes the sun
in all its jealously
Wondering where all the light came from

Only aren’t I the felon
to steal another one from you
Someday, sometime
I might learn how to make
them without you. God help me

you’re here now but your smile…

Copyright © 2015 Second Circle Creations, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Inspired By: “Spencer” by Eclesi4stik, Ellie Goulding “Love Me Like You Do” Fifty Shades of Grey Soundtrack, Matchbox 20 “Last Beautiful Girl”, The Seeds “Can’t Seem To Make You Mine”, Nina Simone “Here Comes The Sun”, and Sugar Ray “Someday”

Oh Is Love Blind

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Have you ever noticed that porn has the best lighting, well okay movies in general, I wonder where I got the idea that love has to be done in the dark; closed eyes for a kiss, lights off, nighttime, even blindfolds. Oh Is Love Blind; what do you see?

See Me Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQH7SGkOIPY

So you’re the kiss I’ll never see
I mean I think so
Why do I have to miss the show?
Maybe there will be others

just we turn off the lights and I have to believe
Now tell me, but then again… whoa
Who knew angels could fly so low
The wonders

When we pretend goodnight isn’t goodbye, there’s a possibility
But from your head down to your toes
and even the love below
Not even the lovers

dream of how I would love thee
“Love me like you do, although…”
there is always a catch but I won’t give you a blindfold
Be not so fearful, even when I tie you up in the covers

Just why is love so scary
Because that’s how you know
“Oh”
Is love blind or do you see another?

Copyright © 2015 Second Circle Creations, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Inspired By: “Spencer” by Eclesi4stik, Johnny Jewel Ft. Saoirse Ronan “Tell Me”, Lykke Li “Possibility”, Outkast, “How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet 43)” by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Ellie Goulding “Love Me Like You Do” Fifty Shades of Grey Soundtrack, A.C. Newman “Be Not So Fearful”, Nico & Vinz “That’s How You Know” feat. Kid Ink & Bebe Rexha, and “That’s How You Know” Enchanted (2007)

Magic Muggle

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Love is… maybe it depends on the lover and even then; anyway it’s a world I don’t think I was born into and a world I might never know. “Magic Muggle”, truthfully only read one of the Harry Potter books, saw two of the movies

See Me Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fl2YL2wvolU

God has his plans, Cupid his arrows
But how do I love you
without having my heart disappear
Anticipate quite the showcase
Like Roy and that tiger tussled

So under the covers I wait
Thinking a guy can pull a rabbit out of his hat… so
I might have a trick or two
Only would you volunteer?
Girls ain’t nothing but trouble

Just if I was invisible, as I often fear,
be not so fearful, don’t be afraid
Or do you wish to go
When all I offer is the truth
That’s why love is such a struggle

And to love me like you do
would be the real magic trick here
To have you stay with me, not try and escape
Bound by your panties, some ribbon, that’s how you know
ravishment is not so subtle

Yet love is my hope, not just for show
While love is a magic, true
it’s not powerful enough my dear
Couldn’t love me anyway
Some love for the loveless muggle

Copyright © 2015 Second Circle Creations, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Inspired By: “Spencer” by Eclesi4stik, DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince “Girls Ain’t Nothing But Trouble”, Clay Aiken “Invisible”, A.C. Newman “Be Not So Fearful”, Ellie Goulding “Love Me Like You Do” Fifty Shades of Grey Soundtrack, Charlie Wilson “Magic”, Sam Smith “Stay With Me”, Enrique Iglesias “Escape”, Nico & Vinz – That’s How You Know feat. Kid Ink & Bebe Rexha, “That’s How You Know” Enchanted (2007), Mick Smiley “Magic”, Major Lazer ft. Ellie Goulding and Tarrus Riley “Powerful” and The Eels “Love of the Loveless”