Category: Lady Lu

Lesson 016 ~Addiction~

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The father of zombies has passed away but his legacy will live on along with my fandom and I can be a fan of much worse things, I am. Addiction, some of those things are poisons and diseases and of course, doesn’t technology make slaves of us all

Monday, July 17, 2017

Lesson 016 ~Addiction~

Hey Lady Lu,
First, let me say, RIP George Romero, the man created his own genre and is responsible for my preoccupation with death, not my own, zombies my dear zombies. Of course, the rest of world, my country, for the most part, seems obsessed with death, leave it to billions to end the living and just one man to make sure the dead stay down for good.

Dead men tell no tales, George Romero and some law enforcement have put an end to that don’t you know; another reason everyone is trying to live forever. What are we afraid we’ll miss the next meme, getting a few more likes, our chance to be famous, and of course we don’t want anyone finding out all of our secrets do we. No, Luna, we want to broadcast them out loud ourselves or maybe we just seek to leave a part of ourselves, inspiration perhaps as George Romero has done.

Now I can’t say if the man could have been addicted to all things zombie and yes I’m well aware I’m a fanboy myself of zombie culture but today’s lesson is about our addictions. I wish I could be nicer about it, call them passions, enthusiasms, interests and the like but I’m not one to look on the bright side of life, despite what the song says. So what is an addiction because I’m never one to take my own word for these sort of things so of course, I have been doing a bit of reading on the subject.

“Addiction is a persistent, compulsive dependence on a behavior or substance.” The Free Dictionary

“the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.” Dictionary.com

“a brain disorder characterized by compulsive engagement in rewarding stimuli, despite adverse consequences.” Wikipedia
Would I call my zombie fix as my friend would call it an addiction, I would say I could be reading a book except “I Am Legend”, “The Walking Dead” and hundreds of others are books so if it is, I wouldn’t call it a bad one. Then again Lady Lu you remember me and books at school once upon a time and then when I was growing up, let’s just say I learned all of Victoria’s Secrets…Cara Delevingne nowadays.

“There’s no time for us,
There’s no place for us,
What is this thing that builds our dreams, yet slips away from us.” – Queen, Who Wants To Live Forever (1986)

You know when I was in school I was “addicted” hmm… obsessed, manic, anxiety driven to read, and no not my school books but anything else, especially end of the world scenarios or final battles, from Alas, Babylon to “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe”. My parents, my teachers, pretty much everyone I knew considered this a problem, yeah I was the epitome Henry Bemis “Time Enough at Last”, and people wonder why I pray for the end of the world, as long as a library is still standing or I find a way to generate power, I’ll be good.

There are so many worse things Luna, I know people who drink plenty and to be perfectly honest, some have problems, some don’t but it’s annoying as hell but I don’t drink do I. How about this girl at work who quit smoking and then I see her yesterday, not smoking but vaping and I asked was there a difference and she said “scientifically yes” What about drugs in general, yeah I’m no one to judge because I take pills to try and keep me reasonable and when I’m without them… if today was any indication I screw up plenty.

“Since the day I met you
And after all, we’ve been through
I’m still a dick
I’m addicted to you
I think you know that it’s true
I’d run a thousand miles to get you
Do you think I deserve this?” – Simple Plan, Addicted (2003)

This is the worst of it for me love/lust, let’s just put it under the term of intimacy and like most guys, it’s in our freaking genetics, our biology, and like most medications made in the USA the cure is worse than the virus. Don’t worry Luna, between memories of “the incident” yet again, having a “fix” this morning, I think I’m back on the Ned Flanders band wagon but I’m sure I’ll be back to being “Pookie” in no time. Isn’t that just another one, if it isn’t violence, or “stuff and things”, I’m addicted to pop culture and that’s not helping anybody really.

“We just have to hope they remember the antidote.
That’s assuming they ever bothered to create one.” Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Babel

If you ask me how most addictions start it’s the fact that no one wants to be here, now tell me what’s wrong with here, why does it take all these things to feel or even to dull the senses of what’s here, to live through this. Once upon a time I swore, I would have one more addiction, one more vice, and then I would grow up and that I did Luna, from Pokémon to The Hunger Games, and now erotica.

How about the time I swore I would never be like one of those people walking around glued to their phone, what happened to the guy that would sit at the lake all day lost in the water or lost in his own mind? I walk around Luna watching while the masses played Pokémon and now they have those fidget spinners and for some reason, I feel better than them.

“Look at yourselves. Unplug from your chairs, get up and look in the mirror. What you see is how God made you. We’re not meant to experience the world through a machine.” – Surrogates (2009)

We’re lost my dear Luna, some more than most, I hate those fidget spinners, I abhor the idea that people can’t sit through a movie in a theater or even on my couch without checking their phone every two minutes, people are killing people because of texting while driving, animals who should be free are made examples of because of stupid moms on smartphones and hunters. I’m no better though, I thought that machines would make me free and we’ve talked about freedom but they also make me, what was her word “skeevy” am I right? The fact remains though the simple fact that I can talk to you like this, that there is some sort of record at all, isn’t that worth something, is it safe to say this right here is an addiction?

“Mr. Henry Bemis, on an eight-hour tour of a graveyard.” Time Enough at Last

I’m sorry if I sound preachy when I talk to you, again you’re the best therapist I know and here’s something else I know, I’m sounding like that TV show Mr. Robot, which can’t be a good thing. The fact that I’ve never watched it but thanks to Facebook I know the “F*uck Society” monolog means either A: I’m more lost than I thought or B: I’m actually seeing this stuff first hand and it’s just coming out of me. Personally one of my biggest addictions is anxiety and that’s not one I chose but for me, it justifies the rest if you only saw what I did this morning all on the grounds of avoiding social interaction, even with all this technology we have.

So what have I learned, we’re all sick, all addicts, that it’s all in the eye of the beholder, and that I don’t know how to stop it. Well actually I know but that would make me sound like a psychopath and I’m trying not to be; Ned Flanders Addiction.

“I really don’t hold with knowing the future, even my own, which is short. I mean, if we knew for a fact there was an afterlife, and that the afterlife was bliss eternal, we’d all commit suicide in order to be able to enjoy it.” Mandemus – Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973)

“We are the Walking Dead” Rick Grimes, The Walking Dead

Lesson 015 ~Hurry Up and Wait~

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Because I got things to do, things I don’t want to, things to pass time, things to confess but what am I waiting for huh. Hurry Up and Wait… I might be getting better with these confessions but maybe I should wait before I open my mouth yet again hmm

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Lesson 015 ~Hurry Up and Wait~

Hey Lady Lu,
I’m not a military guy at least not anymore (brief stint in the Navy) or in any other type of aspect, in reality, figured I’d let you know since apparently, this is where this idiom comes from. Yeah I know that was a mouthful, especially today but anyway with today’s lesson hurry up and wait is the story of my life maybe.

I can tell you everything about hurrying, I read something once to the tune of do you ever think your mere existence gets in everyone else’s way? Not going to lie to you Lady Lu, that’s part of the reason I move so fast or I try to, this lady told me about that once at work, that I was constantly zipping around and why is that? Anxiety my old foe but actually it goes further than that, the fact that I shouldn’t even be here anymore, we know why.

I’m so busy trying to learn how to live, how to be an adult, that I’m not actually doing so; I told you I get stuck on occasion, like at work but I can’t even remember the bad memory that held me up. Do you know what that’s like to always be playing catch up and then there are people telling you to keep up, while all the time you have to stay focused on your future? It’s all good practice to outrun the Grim Reaper, the one thing I wish would catch me but I’ve been running my whole life I can’t stop really.

I’m in a hurry to get nowhere, what’s that old song, “Do You Know the Way to San Jose”, so is that it Luna, am I lost, and I’m scared of what I will find there, or do I not belong there at all? That was pretty true of the military, I didn’t want to be where I was but what was I thinking about by joining in the first place, if anything getting unstuck.

“That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.” – Wooderson from the movie, Dazed and Confused

Isn’t that just such a man thing to say but isn’t that how boys become men, hell back in high school there was this kid younger than me, we were “friends” any way he knocked some girl up and there’s his life, his manhood. Warning you right now My Lady, I’m going to have to curb “Ned Flanders” for a minute; so when I was still with my parents I thought about hiring an escort.

I wanted to grow up, and how in the hell was I ever going to get a girl normally; to this day can I tell you if sex makes you an adult… well, I’ve done plenty of things for girls I figured I’d be with, bought stuff, cleaned the whole house, presented myself to be a gentleman to an extent but I do the same thing for girls I’m not with as well. So you rush around doing, then when nothing happens, you ask yourself what are you waiting for.

“What are you waiting for?
Love me like you do, la-la-love me like you do (like you do)” Ellie Goulding

My mother would always tell me I would find my way, strangely enough our serious chats were always on the verge of another suicide attempt, this was the second one when I swallowed a damn box of sleeping pills; that was loopy night but yeah I had cheap pills and I survived, talk about being lost and another loss. Was I scared, Luna every time I’ve tried I’ve been scared, painkillers, more sleeping pills, researching ways I could just go to sleep… yeah as far as pain goes I’m a sadist, not a masochist and I don’t like to make a mess. This goes right back into the, I don’t belong here a section to come round; I’m always taking up space and all I can think about is clearing that space for everyone concerned.

“I guess it comes down a simple choice: Get busy living, or get busy dying.” – The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

This is me at work, I’m not there to make friends, I’m not there because I like it, I have a place and a purpose, sad as it is and I don’t like making people wait so I hurry up, I come back to the house because Braxton is waiting so I hurry up, and then I wait for something to happen. Isn’t that what we are Luna, all my writing and waiting for nothing at all but I just hate being late if anything.

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)

When it comes to even the pleasures of life… “HORMEL TACO MEATS Beef Crumbles”, the original “Saints Row”, a pretty girl here or there, I’m either hurrying and screwing everything up or I’m waiting and missing things. So is that the answer Luna, to just slow down and enjoy things as they come, try to make good memories and such.

Not with anxiety, a friend of mine asked about my “Blackjack Scale” but I present another theory, “The Five Minute Rule”, in my life I boil everything down to five minutes, survive those five minutes and the next, or in five minutes the world will end and you don’t have to worry anymore. One of the reasons I’m at work I set my stopwatch, I can’t bear to look at the time, but survive five minutes, then wouldn’t you know it I survived an hour and so on. The last place you ever want to slow down is Hell because for some inane reason I think things will get easier?

“then basically I’m just gonna walk the earth.

What do you mean, walk the earth”?

You know like Cain in ‘Kung Fu’, walking place to place, meet people and get in adventures.

And how long do you intend to walk the earth?

Until God puts me where he wants me to be.

And what if he don’t do that?

If it takes forever, then I’ll walk forever.” Pulp Fiction (1994)

You know how I feel religious wise but yeah I do think there is something, no man escapes death so many times without having some sort of purpose you know what I mean. Maybe I’m out running that too or maybe I passed it, doesn’t it suck that you can spend your life focused on five minutes, an hour, a day, yes still thinking about “the incident” but anyway you stay on that and you’re just waiting to forget. The curse strikes again because I can’t forget, this is lesson 015 but we know I have hundreds of more skeevy lessons I could still share.

For now, though I’m in a hurry to finish this, in five minutes I’ll be done, another five I’ll be looking at poetry, and another, setting up to post etc. Chances are good Luna, me and someone may have either passed each other by now or we’re waiting for the other to you know what right Hurry Up and Wait”

Lesson 014 ~ Measure of a Man~

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Just one “man’s” opinion and still I can only wish that it was a better one where it concerns myself but that’s life. Measure of a Man, I don’t know if I hear more “Rocky IV” or “Clay Aiken” but what separates men really

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Lesson 014 ~ Measure of a Man~

Afternoon My Lady Lu,
So is this how long my resolve is worth, less than two weeks since I broke yesterday but then again I’ve seen “40 Days and 40 Nights” and according to the Bible forty is a solid number which puts me in good company. Anyway you know since “the incident” I swore off some “stuff and things” and this being day two, I’m wondering am I becoming that same “man” again.

If you’re asking me right now, I truly don’t want to be, I’ve talked a lot about heroes and what it means to be a man… what it’s a big question don’t you think? I’m not kidding myself to say I’m there yet and one of the reasons is because of all I’ve been through in this life; I don’t think it’s enough. Now you can’t measure your problems again anyone else’s, even if it does make you feel just a little bit better that hey I’m not that guy.

“All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others”. – Animal Farm

The thing is Luna, most of the things that these men can put up with, I might not even have a chance, again why can’t I grow up and just do what needs to be done. When it comes to taking care of Braxton, I find that my anxiety, my fear has no place, so if I’m not a hero I’m at least better than the man I was. How about the time my brakes cut out on me and I crashed into that tree backward and instead of running to my “father” I somehow got to work and afterward got the car fixed up.

Okay maybe that was downright insane but what I’m thinking is some of the best leaders, the best among us are in truth, bad men. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty good men in the world, highly respected and that again goes into how you define the concept that we call manhood these days.

“You are a good man with a good heart, and it’s hard for a good man to be a king.” – Black Panther (Feb 2018)

I hope you don’t mind my somewhat philosophical chats but I present to you three questions, what do I take a man to be, how is man defined, and what is the difference between the good and the bad man.

I think a man is someone who looks out for his family… yes I know women do that too but to a man, his family comes first always, and that’s the man I want to be. Now my “father” is the same but I would never consider him a good man, he’s guilty of the greatest crime I know but that’s another story but he does look after his family. I talk about a man being a leader, a man that commands respect, not by force or terror but by sheer force of will, the man he is, the alpha male that I’ve read about.

“A good man draws a circle around himself and cares for those within. His woman, his children. Other men draw a larger circle and bring within their brothers and sisters. But some men have a great destiny. They must draw around themselves a circle that includes many, many more. Your father was one of those men. You must decide for yourself whether you are, as well.” – 10,000 BC (2008)

The text book definition of a man is a human male but then I look at myself all squirmy and fidgety and of course, that’s because of one part of my anatomy. I deny myself because a woman would choose to deny me, and while I am a man in the physical sense I would not be recognized as a good one for these feelings.

That’s the problem with society, the definition of men, in general, is constantly evolving or maybe devolving because men are being denied their birthright, their place in the universe, hell their right by God however you want to spin it. So men are made to feel bad or become bad purely on the grounds of such rejection and there are really some men that are honestly bad but because this world has become such they are all labeled. I say they because I’m so much worse, I’m one that sees it but I’m not willing to do anything, even when it comes to my own life, part of the problem.

“Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who’ve ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War’s a spiritual war… our Great Depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.” Fight Club

Some men though choose to become greater and while it might not make them good men it makes them great in other areas and that is how they are measured.

How do they say “d**k measuring” but is that really fair and since men don’t really do that what are we comparing, a simpler time those cavemen days though I wouldn’t say that much fairer either? I read that men are always found to be wanting and that we must prove ourselves worthy of a woman, with the cavemen the best hunter got the woman, with the code of chivalry, came this concept of “courtly love” I actually followed once.

When we aren’t talking about women the caveman approach remains constant, men are forged in battle, and that is how you know a real one. Hell for all my years of fighting I’m still waiting for my turn, and sometimes I think to win or lose, stand or fall has to be better than this. In another way, being a man in one way makes me a bad one in another but that’s two different women in two different circumstances.

“Because only Spartan women give birth to real men!” 300

So why am I questioning my manhood today, I suppose because if I wanted a woman I could have one right now and while that sounds great, the ideas of what makes a man stops me. Last night there was this woman that got sloppy drunk and said she wanted me bad, so why have I never taken her up on that offer? Maybe it’s the fact that tomorrow I will lose all my bravado because I have to go to work and I will try to stand tall Luna but I will fail again.

Maybe that’s the lesson of today, a man falls and he gets up, now this could apply to everybody but as the song goes this is a man’s world. This is my world to quote another song and I’m the man right but what’s the Measure of a Man right?

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” – Martin Luther King, Jr. 1929 – 1968

Lesson 013 ~That’s What She Said~

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That’s what she said, no that’s what I said, and truth be told it hasn’t been doing anyone any favors, did I learn nothing from the sound of silence. That’s What She Said or not because I’m too much of a wuss to get her side.

Friday, July 14, 2017

Lesson 013 ~That’s What She Said~

Hey Lu,
I think this is part of the reason we get along so well because you don’t say anything and I know that sounds really bad but in my own personal experience, women talking to me *sigh*. For the record, though I find the joke “that’s what she said” to be pretty damn off putting, one of the reasons I hate going to work.

In “Living Single” Max told Kyle that he didn’t want a girlfriend but a therapist that’s good in bed, I think the whole concept of “GFE” cancels that out but really what do men want when talking to women. I got a friend and half the time we just mirror things back to one another you know how they say “great minds think alike” so you know back in my Saturday morning cartoons they would say “great minds think for themselves” but that is another story. I talk to you and don’t have to worry about you giving me bad advice, chances are I wouldn’t take it anyway, the things that none of us wants to hear am I right.

Which brings me back to work, they treat that joke “that’s what she said” as the end all be all joke, I swear I just want to go all Wesley from Wanted and don’t get me wrong, men can be just as stupid seeing as how it’s a male coworker that always says this. You know I think often about having the answers to life’s questions, but praise the sounds of silence you know. Maybe that’s why the kiss was invented some women and men have some semblance of a chance at keeping the human race going, without screwing up.

“if she’s in the mood to f**k you, shut up and let it happen.” – Chris Rock, Bigger & Blacker

Sometimes I talk too much and I definitely type too much nowadays which is why I got into trouble in the first place… On the other side of the line, women are always talking about being so clear and at the same time men are expected to read between the lines, how do we survive?

Correct me if I’m wrong Lady Lu but I think yesterday was the first talk we had where I didn’t mention “the incident” to be fair I haven’t even gone back to reread what she said again. Now I want to scream that’s a problem but that it’s also the solution but how did they do it back in the old days, you know when not a word need be spoken?

I often talk about having an ulterior motive and then she was so clear but what if I had been someone else, anyone else, would the words have really mattered? Isn’t that just it, when I gave the flowery words to guys for their women, they couldn’t get enough but then I could never do that for myself could I. Skeevy words and yet people will drink, do drugs, and the like and lie to themselves about what makes them do the things they do and sadly I’m no better, a liar, I’m telling you that’s what she said.

Some other girl probably and even today, some women I just ignore, some words are filler and why do I want to hide from the truth but like “The X-Files” the truth is out there. I use to say I don’t want to be a liar, but society deems that we all must, this is the world we live in and eventually, we might evolve past this but I have never gotten that far. In all the erotica I have ever read, the relationships are built on lies and even in the fairy tales that end with happily ever after or in erotica’s case either in bed or with the end of The Graduate, that what did we do look.

I was a nice guy when I never talked to her but the moment she becomes let’s say unrepressed and I say what I said, suddenly I’m skeevy. The moment I saw her as a woman and not just someone, Luna I ask you why does any man want a woman and yes I know this already sounds bad but let’s go with our biology.

“I have four words for you: Listen to the Woman.” White Men Can’t Jump (1992)

Like you Luna, considering you are a figment of my imagination and personally I rather sleep but the reason that you’re here is that while I can’t hear you, I know you want to be here. It’s primal nature and I’m afraid I spoiled some of that today but listening to women and really hearing them is two different things.

I’m not trying to psychoanalyze anyone but it really says something about a woman who is suddenly uncommitted and gets tattoos, her nipples pierced, goes to nude beaches, and everything else, this being the thirteenth lesson, I’m not scared of feminist finding me. What about a woman who asks your opinions on clothes, wear’s stuff that you like, takes up your fandoms and buys you props for them? How about another woman who starts out on your couch, activity flirts with you about a certain lifestyle, and ends up in your bed but stops you right at the cusp hmm?

Even Disney Lu, remember Ariel who gave up her voice for legs, a woman that gives up talking for something physical and then a man that talks too much. How about Merida from Brave when she saw the last man who she thought was a suitor, she responded not as some independent princess but like any other woman. In the end, it doesn’t come down to he said she said, but simply the physical though some men are more equal than others and some women while condemning men in every shape and form only condemn our species, why do you think “Realdoll” even exist today.
“We married wonder women. Supergirls. Amazon queens. Well, you know what that makes us?

Smart, worthy, lucky.

We’re the wuss. The wind beneath your wings. Your support system. We’re the girl. And we don’t like it.” The Stepford Wives (2004)

So I ask what did she say and what did I say and in the end does it really matter, what matters is somebody you can enjoy the silence with, somebody that you don’t need the words with and if you choose to have them let them be true or at least better, what about somebody that doesn’t kill you in your sleep. If anything I just want “I love you” not to be a joke no I want to look at the world and say That’s What She Said.

Lesson 012 ~Zero to Hero~

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I think I talked about before that being a man is one thing and that we are all trying to be greater and to do great things, so I wonder is that what I accomplished today. Zero to Hero, I’m no hero but the score must have gone up today

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Lesson 012 ~Zero to Hero~

Lu,
Braxton wasn’t a rescue you know, that in no way diminishes his life but he wasn’t saved or rescued, from what I know my “father” shelled out hundreds so my sister could have a purse accessory. Big plans for a small pup and even now, there was an old man that offered me five hundred dollars so his wife could have a little lap dog.

It wasn’t enough, it will never be enough, there wasn’t the slightest bit of temptation, Braxton is mine and I like to think I am his, we protect each other, stay together no matter what. It’s to the point that if the zombies come and I pray that they do that I hope they’re like the “Dawn of the Dead” zombies, you know the ones that wouldn’t eat dogs. So what if they were right, I wouldn’t abandon Braxton, I would die before he does, and that’s simply a fact, a conclusion drawn from the moment we first met Luna.

Now what does that make me, some people would say I’m an idiot, I mean what is Braxton to them, a four-legged, seven pound, bit of fluff but like any real pet owner will tell you, our pets are our children. A parent does right for their children out of love right, responsibly, you bring a life into the world that life is yours, that life holds value, you have expectations and obligations am I right? Now I don’t have any two-legged kids and to be honest, the thought of having any scares me nearly to death but I do want them someday, or at least that’s how I feel at this particular moment really.

I think that such an endeavor makes us better people and I’m sure there are a million good reasons to have kids, love, legacy, the continuation of life but I ask why do I love Braxton so? Of course, he’s mine, so explain to me why does he love me so, what makes him a hero to me and why did I join the club.

“It isn’t the love of a hero, that’s why I fear it won’t do.” Hero

Now that’s a bit presumptuous of me, I’m no hero, I will be the first person to tell you that; first thing that comes to mind is courage and do I have that? What about selfless, what about stupid, goes back to “That’s Not a Compliment” but people in love are heroes and that’s a fine bit of insanity and then there is just timing.

“Well look at this. ‘Pears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?

Big damn heroes, sir.

Ain’t we just.” Firefly (Safe) Episode 5

So this morning, Braxton is busy with his praise the sun routine “walking” helps me out you know, fewer people, less anxiety; so we’re at the end of the street and we spot our neighbor’s dog; Braxton’s Frenemy. I wouldn’t leave him Luna, no collar, on his own for days, another neighbor reporting him missing, probably hungry, scared, so I called out to him. Isn’t that another thing we have talked about, I mean take me all in, T-shirt, sweatpants, holding back a fierce Braxton, and I have “Lucille” with me, all heroes don’t wear capes but come on.

“Nothing in the world is the way it oughta be. It’s harsh and cruel, but that’s why there’s us: champions. Doesn’t matter where we come from, what we’ve done or suffered, or even if we make a difference. We live as though the world were as it should be, to show it what it can be. You’re not a part of that yet. I hope you will be.” Angel (Deep Down)

It wasn’t a question, for thirty minutes, I called, I coaxed, I set Braxton down because even in Braxton’s anger that little dog saw a kindred spirit, and he followed us from house to house. I was afraid neighbors see a black man carrying a blunt instrument, though honestly, I wasn’t scared of the cops, my anxiety was working overtime but I just could not leave that little dog all alone. One of the neighbors even stopped and checked out “Lucille” a white guy, I let him hold it though I never let go and he smiled and eventually went about his day as I continued calling this lost dog.

I did it, I got him home, rushed Braxton into the house, grabbed some treats and went back to the lost little one and got him back to his yard and I shut the fence. Didn’t tell anyone what I had done right then except a friend who wanted me to contact the neighbors and honestly Luna that scared me.

Honestly, I have no quotes on courage because I don’t know what it is, to me, courage is being afraid to do something and then thinking to yourself, what the hell and doing it anyway.

Again I’m no hero, I remember last year “Black Friday” I was at work, of course, maybe it was the year before last, anyway I saw this lost little girl and I was freaked out but I asked her to follow me, I got her to customer service and fortunately her mom was standing in line. Is it wrong to say I was more scared of helping her to the point that I didn’t want to, I could have passed her by but this dog there was just no doubt in my mind you know? Same with that MILF I told you about the other day, first I helped her out because I would hope somebody would do the same for me and then I thought I would have helped her out more because she was desperate and I could have gotten her to do something for me, anxiety is a blessing and a curse.

If anything Braxton teaches me about courage, how many phone calls have I made, people I have cursed out, been prepared to fight, other dogs I have stood against to see to his safety. Of course, I did the same for my sister back in the day but that was not courage, that was the idea that if something happened to her my family would kill me, and so no I would not call myself a hero in any sense.

I thought about all those men that got shot defending, wives, girlfriends, first dates in those shootings, take your pick and how it’s expected for men to do that sort of thing and is it fair. How about if you save yourself, Lady Lu, does that make you a hero then, according to the movie “Defending Your Life” (1991) it doesn’t so the fact that I’m still alive is no big whoop is it. So zero to hero, I got the zero down pact, well actually a friend asked me where I saw myself on my “Blackjack Scale” and while I’m no hero for a little bit today I didn’t exactly feel like a zero, well not until the adrenaline started wearing off after everything.

“If there’s no great glorious end to all this, if nothing we do matters…, then all that matters is what we do. ‘Cause that’s all there is. What we do. Now. Today.” Angel (Epiphany)

The lesson Luna, at the end of the day I don’t want to be a hero, I’m not sure I’m what’s best for Braxton, and giving that dog back to people I didn’t see mount an effort to find him… I actually see myself as a villain but don’t we all want that hero’s moment and courage, Zero to Hero.

“You want to see a man? That’s a man.” Kevin Costner – The Postman (1991)

“For a true hero isn’t measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart.” Hercules

“You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” The Dark Knight (2008)

Lesson 011 ~That’s Not a Compliment~

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If you told me I was a good person I would be waiting for the but what, and if you insulted me, figures, something backhanded though truly irks me. That’s Not a Compliment, not that I get many at all and why should I believe you at all

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Lesson 011 ~That’s Not a Compliment~

Hey Lu,
It’s not a compliment that the first time I thought of you in years was when I was having a crisis, for that I’m sorry but I promise this isn’t going to be one of my most apologetic lessons. I suppose it’s not a compliment to be so down all of the time either and expect you to pick up the pieces and yet here we are together.

What about it’s not a compliment to be named the quietest one in school, what was that the sixth grade maybe? It’s not a compliment to be thought of as so stupid that your parents actually wanted to pay somebody off to take your take home final exam now, is it? The same goes for cheating another final exam to pass a grade, hell I was smart enough to do it but I wouldn’t have had a chance in Hell otherwise and that’s a fact.

Lady Lu it’s not a compliment to have so many enemies that you get called into the office by three of them, saying you’re upset because they’re better at sports… back when my word was good and for the record, everybody was better than me at sports. Well not running and that takes me back to say that it’s not a compliment to be called a fast runner because you spend most of your days running from whoever wants to kick your ass that week. On that note that was until I was voted most likely to snap, now while other people’s fear is sort of a turn on and it was my own fault it’s still not complimentary really.

Neither is it to be the guy that all your classmates try to pick off for a class project because you were thought to be some sort of a smarty-pants. How about when the teacher would call me professor or the time I burst into tears in French class and suddenly my teacher wants to intervene and call it a job well done that day.

Now I know you’re probably wondering what brought all this on and first Luna I would have to say that the more things change the more they stay the same. Secondly, I’m trying to find the line you know, I went all “Cousin Skeevy” yes I know the day is coming where I won’t remember that incident, though to be honest I actually might have an idea about that maybe.

Okay maybe some people are trying to be nice but being called dependable and responsible just so people can use *cough* work *cough* is not a good thing. Being placated by my employer or being expected to call my olds something breaks down because I’m too stupid to do anything about it myself. What about when people say you do something well just trying to be nice but don’t I know better, so many conspiracies.

What about what line not to cross, I have yet to read an erotic novel where the guy wasn’t so hardcore criminal, mafia somebody, or billionaire, okay I read the darker ones but those guys can get away with saying anything. Speaking of which is my “Cousin Skeevy” idea, the best ideas come in the shower and I was thinking about completely revamping my blog, I swear getting angry and the spirit of competition with oh what’s her face. Anyway, Cousin Skeevy will be the pages for my well, skeevy writing… strange I want to be read and at the same time not being read is making me somewhat bold.

Did I mention being called skeevy is not a compliment of course but considering what I want to call some girls in the bedroom; excuse me for getting into “ExCoGi”. Isn’t that another thing, it’s not a compliment to know who you are and not like the person you are, think I said that before.

Personally when you have a face like mine and a myriad of illnesses, Social Anxiety, Bipolar Depression and the like anything you say is liable to come off as an insult and not a sweet sentiment. Don’t get me wrong I never wanted to be one of those guys “catcalling” as it were, anxiety sucks but the internet can be a pretty bad place right?

Besides the whole incident let’s see, I said something about a friend’s… assets and she immediately erased the comment, still “friends” with her but haven’t heard anything from her since. There was another woman, I was truly generous with but of course, let’s be honest Luna, I have a thing for brunettes and I know exactly what I was trying. The worse was probably this MILF I met outside the store once, she was having a hard time and needed some cash so I gave her five bucks, now I would have given her more but why do you suppose that is, what would I have wanted from her then?

Before the “incident” let’s just say I was looking up interracial parking lot “stories” though after such and such happened I’ve been on hiatus. So what about that song “How Do You Talk to an Angel” first rule, don’t be me, yet another thing that has me ticked off, I’ve been avoiding most of my friends because anything I say or do is likely to come off as, say it with me Luna “skeevy” and I already told you I’m trying to find that line. Oh, I found it before, it’s not a compliment to be the guy all the other guys come to, asking me to write poetry so they can get girls and I don’t have one myself.

So what have I learned today… maybe they were right giving me that quietest award because that was the same year I met Angela and what happened there? If anything the lesson is I can’t take a compliment or it’s better to be insulted because coming from most people I know That’s Not a Compliment.

Lesson 010 ~With A Little Help from My Friends~

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If you can’t be loved be liked if not be respected, if not be invisible and barring all other alternatives you can always be feared. With A Little Help from My Friends, maybe it won’t ever come to that, though a fear of losing me

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Lesson 010 ~With A Little Help from My Friends~

Hey Lu,
I get by with a little help from my friends… not that I’m trying to follow pop culture this week but I fell asleep watching EWW Planet of the Apes, so naturally I have to get it out. To begin properly when I talk about friends I would scoff and say “what friends” but yeah I have a few actually.

“Introduce you to my friends I got to see if you notice
If they loyal or if they all got an ulterior motive” Take A Walk With Me, Joe Budden

I find that people that often claim, loyalty, honesty, integrity, patriotism, often have no clue what those words mean and the same goes with a friend. Don’t get me wrong I’m no better than anybody else, especially when it comes to ulterior motive… I swear one day Luna I’m going to get through a day without remembering the incident but yeah I did have a motive or just high hopes. I knew nothing was going to come of it but I can dream can’t I but I don’t find I dream about friends too often and family is more often than not a nightmare but let’s start with how I will define “friend” for real.

“I need your help. I can’t tell you what it is, you can never ask me about it later, and we’re gonna hurt some people.

…Whose car are we gonna’ take?” – The Town (2010)

This right here is the epitome of the “bro code” and I’m sorry to say with the exception of Braxton, I don’t really have any bros in the physical sense, though I will count a guy here or there on Facebook. If anything I would look at Facebook as sort of a 3/5 Compromise, don’t ask me Lady Lu I suck at math and probably humor as well which explains my lack of friendship. Also, I hate asking for help, I don’t ask for help from anybody, even people I don’t consider friends, other employees and the like, part of that is Anxiety and OCD the other is if you want something done right, do it yourself, that’s just me.

“I have always depended on the kindness of strangers” – A Streetcar Named Desire (1947)

It’s just something about depending on people for anything *ahem* family but again I don’t count them as friends, I mean if they cut me off I might be back living in one of those extended stay death traps. On the other hand, they wouldn’t care if I went on another bout of sleeping pills or painkillers either so love… I would settle for anybody saying that they liked me.
He gets high with a little help from his friends, don’t I wish Luna, I don’t get inebriated around friends, well okay with Braxton and that just shows the type of dog parent I am and never more than a glass of wine or a beer, in dire circumstances really.

Okay what about the meds I take, those make me a better friend, maybe a more talkative one, I always get I’m such a good listener. On top of that, you don’t really want to be the guy that always wants to punch someone in the mouth, at least I can pretend and if I honestly don’t want to punch somebody that puts such and such on my higher esteem level just so you know. Now I have wanted to do plenty of other things to friends but then I wouldn’t necessarily call those people friends either, maybe I’m greedy.

“Friends don’t try to undress friends.” Notice

Take Sebastian and Danielle in Cruel Intentions 2, it is my firm belief that men and women can’t really be friends if there is any “chemistry” you know the kind between them, so what do you call me having so many female friends, damn Lady Lu I made my imaginary therapist a girl to what, give me the incentive to write. I have a solid friend here or there but even my “father” told me even if I don’t feel chemistry what about her… it kind of sucks.

Now since I don’t get, stoned, hammered, wasted, whatever with friends, how do I get high with friends; honestly I left happy years ago but a friend that makes me smile, is sort of a high. Some get me higher than others to be completely honest, some make me stop what I’m doing immediately to respond, others I’ll wait a bit, others hell are days away but they all do something for me. Maybe I should start comparing friends to my drug of choice and that would make Braxton a constant adrenaline rush which explains why when he sleeps, I’m right there catching up but I have another friend that would give him a run for his money, she knows.

Truthfully though when it comes to friends, well people, in general, I put them on what I call the Blackjack scale, what’s wrong with that I like Blackjack plenty.

I’m gonna try with a little help from my friends to like myself more and isn’t that what it always comes back to, that I don’t like myself. Yeah, I was reminded of that, me being skeevy and I guess through her eyes I just realized.

“The truth is, I can’t handle the idea of her not liking me. I can’t handle the idea of ANYBODY not liking me.” Melvin Smiley

Okay so the Blackjack scale, 21 is my absolute love, like, loyalty, what have you, for all intents and purposes I would die for you, and my being okay is linked with your happiness which pretty much means my dog. Lower numbers mean a lower esteem and there is not a person alive that has a 21 in my eyes hell when I get married, my wife and Braxton are technically going to be my Topanga and Shawn. If you asked me where I rank on my own scale… well, let’s just say there are reasons I don’t look in the mirror, and that’s some major anxiety don’t you think.

“How great is this? My favorite person*dog* in the world. And my wife.” Cory Matthews – Girl Meets World (2014)

The question remains, when did I stop liking myself and my answer is when nobody else liked me and that right there is a problem I know and a few people are trying to a degree. There’s a guy at work who asks me from time to time about my writing but I don’t see friendship there; nothing wrong with the guy but I see a conspiracy and my job is not above that because I’ve been a part of one here and there. Being friends though immediately correlates with being a boss which explains why I haven’t been promoted, they told me this; I’m plenty dominant, downright sadistic in other areas of my life but again, she called me skeevy, get over it right?

“And when all those people believe in you,
Deep enough and strong enough believe in you,
Hard enough and long enough it stands to reason you,
Yourself will start to see what everybody sees in you.
And maybe even you, can believe in you, too.”
Snoopy the Musical: If Just One Person Believes in You

So what’s the answer Lu, should I focus on myself, stronger meds because even this is a bad batch or work is just that bad; anyway start with me and if nobody likes me in the end at least I got Braxton. Maybe I should be the friend that everybody thinks I should be perhaps because it’s not like the guy I am now is winning hearts and minds who knows truly but with a little help from my friends…

“Under a tyranny, most friends are a liability. One quarter of them turn “reasonable” and become your enemies, one quarter are afraid to speak, and one quarter are killed and you die with them. But the blessed final quarter keep you alive.” – Sinclair Lewi

Lesson 009 ~Man, Kind~

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Man oh man, or maybe boy oh boy, at least one of those applies to me, so as always there is a silver lining, then again considering my love life… Man, Kind is not what that’s about, that would be more girls, girls, girls but the keyword is “ANXIETY”.

Monday, July 10, 2017

Lesson 009 ~Man, Kind~

Hey Lu,
I came to a realization today, well it’s not something I didn’t already know, not something that doesn’t come with an asterisk, hell I might change my mind about saying it considering how this goes. Now if you’ll allow me to get my Bill on… Kill Bill let me say first off there was this wrestler back in the day because I rarely watch wrestling now known as Mick Foley or his in-ring persona Mankind.

“Clark Kent is how Superman views us. And what are the characteristics of Clark Kent. He’s weak… he’s unsure of himself… he’s a coward. Clark Kent is Superman’s critique on the whole human race.” Bill

If you asked me Lady Lu to describe a man I wouldn’t know where to begin, I’d have an easier time describing you but how “skeevy” of me so I will not indulge. Now what about this wrestler I remember, Mankind, he was crazy, damn near suicidal, but always left with “Have A Nice Day”. The thing is, this man was larger than life, an icon and sure it was all for entertainment purposes but how did he do it, first with the mask and then he didn’t need it.

“Don’t try to be a great man. Just be a man, and let history make its own judgments.” Zefram Cochrane

Luna this is what I’m trying, honestly, now you know the dreams I have and the things I want to do in my life but if I could just, make it through the day like any normal individual… So if I can’t be a man, what am I, no not going in that direction, what I mean is that I’m not growing up and that’s what I was thinking about last night. If I told you everything I haven’t done, things that I absolutely refuse to do, I would call myself a bad man indeed.

Now I mean that in two different ways the first being, my anger, every day it’s the same thing, things I’m mad about today, didn’t finish editing my latest chapter in my novel, my neighbor’s dog went missing, and of course work tomorrow, hoping for indifference. On the other side of the coin is the things any man is supposed to be able to do, you could call me a spoiled upper-middle-class rich kid, or how about all the writing I have been doing lately?

A man wouldn’t let some stupid words from a person faze him, go on about my day and continue business per usual, a symptom of my anxiety though. Now this isn’t the realization I had but I’m starting to think of my anxiety as a true illness, of course, it’s an illness but I was thinking more physical for once.

“How? How can I do what is needed, when all I feel is… hate.” – The Mask of Zorro (1998)

So I hide behind a mask and it’s like every day which one will it be, currently I’m letting my medication decide that for me because I was truly getting sick of making the effort. For a while, it has been all my anger, what’s wrong with hate, just like love, or freedom there are wrong ways to go about it, which is why for the most part I focus on myself. Fear is the other, and as much as I want to say there is something missing chemical, some earth shattering moment, an ideology that I could embrace, to put it simply there is some little boy that a long time ago was told nothing but to shut up.

“How can you move faster than possible, fight longer than possible without the most powerful impulse of the spirit: the fear of death.” Blind Prisoner – The Dark Knight Rises

That’s why it feels so herculean even to get out of bed because I feel like a little boy being constantly forced to move through this universe when he was told, that’s not for you, you’ll never be ready and the like. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t fear death for my sake, there is a little four-legged ball of fluff that depends on me and that’s why I do the things I do. Only the anxiety is never going anywhere, you know I got the sneaking suspicion that I wasn’t physically growing because my body knew I couldn’t afford to have that happen.

I grow, I need money, I work which means more people, I leave my crappy job, my anxiety, more fear, more panic, new job more anxiety, it just goes on and on just like that. It could be something as dumb as seeing a weed in the yard so having to cut the whole thing and then screwing that up so hiding in the house.

Here Luna, in writing I don’t feel that need to hide, that anxiety, or so I thought and then the thing happened and I’ve been writing and I’m sure one day I will be more honest I hope. Anxiety makes me the monster of my own nightmares, I don’t know if that was deep or not but it sounded that way in my head really?

Anxiety will never make me that man, you know the man I have always dreamed of being, the man that I probably already should be. Anxiety is a regressive disease, taking me all the way back to the moment I was… I don’t know what but kids are brave, resilient and I only know fear.

Anxiety will never make me her man, now I could go so far “BDSM’ is as much as you’ll get from me today but I’m talking about the regular Joe, the man that can look after a woman and a family. Stupid thought I had last night was the idea of you know who talking about her stupid, crazy ex-husband and I was thinking I could never be like that, no I’m so much worse.

Anxiety will never make me just a man at all, and that’s who I’m mad at most of all and then again why can’t mankind be, you know, kind? I told a friend the other day that if there is anything mankind excels at, it’s the service of death, is it any wonder that life is such a difficult concept.

So what about my realization, you might already be able to guess but to spell it out… I’m no kind of man, at least not the kind anybody wants around. I’m sorry this came out plenty whinier than I intended but that’s what kids do right whine so what do men do, Man, kind, not.

“Don’t do that. Don’t make the mistake of calling what’s inside me worry. Good men worry. Men like me take care of the problem.”
― Kit Rocha, Beyond Temptation (2014)

Lessons 008 ~Tail, Tale, Tell~

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It’s not a lie but it isn’t the whole truth, I wouldn’t want to put it in fiction but sometimes I really wish it was just that. Tail, Tale, Tell, should I put my heart under some floorboards

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Lessons 008 ~Tail, Tale, Tell~

Lu,
I hate that I keep repeating myself, my apologies but from a former lesson, hat is the difference between a patriot and a terrorist, a hero and a villain… the winning side of course. For some reason, I just imagine Superman with some goofy smile on his face but then you got Batman, who is as much of a hero but doesn’t smile that often.

What about the measure of a man or a woman; I’ve brought up my face often but I can be as shallow as anybody else. Now I think of myself as a certain type of guy (Ned Flanders Blackout Continues) anyway I think of myself as one way but I saw someone in the store today and the back made me curious about the front. It made me wonder what people must see when they are looking at my back, really is the view any better or worse, damn eye doctors and their catchy jargon.

How about the way guys say “getting some tail” is that too skeevy; to be honest I have never used that lexicon myself. Doesn’t that say something about the thing that leads humanity, primal nature and all that, we are always looking for something to follow isn’t that right? I don’t think that’s any better than not looking back, forward is just somebody else and behind is just whoever I was or somebody in a worse shape, but trying maybe.

“But that’s why there’s us – champions. Doesn’t matter where we come from, what we’ve done or suffered, or even if we make a difference. We live as though the world is as it should be, to show it what it can be. You’re not a part of that yet. I hope you will be.” Angel S401 “Deep Down” (2002)

No truer words Luna, this is why we raise people to such heights, indeed this is why there was such an intuition as “courtly love” but does that not fly in the face of everything I was taught? In another way, the question remains, what happens when that uniform off in the distance, isn’t that of the hero but of the villain, and we follow.

If I heard it right all the fairy tales of yesteryear were actually horror stories, so why were they changed, erased, new stories replaced them, a form of newspeak? We just can’t help it, it’s one of the reasons I can’t help but look back, in a way I don’t like who I am becoming and as they say, you can’t know where you’re going until you know where you’ve been, rock meet hard place.

Like some little kid, there are the fairy tales I get lost in every night before bed, not that you can call, “Saints Row”, “GTA” and “The Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time” fairytales mind you. At least these stories can be rewritten and there is no real damage, becoming someone else over and over is the luxury. The honest to God stories of my past make me I feel as though I’m Winston Smith and with that being said nobody will remember the truth of him either or that he ever existed at all.

Yes, back to the incident, I can easily say that while I had ulterior motives I really was innocent and didn’t mean any harm when it came to her. It can be said that I was skeevy and inappropriate and way out of line and that guy I haven’t really been trying to escape from finally caught up with me in the end. I can also say my anger is justified and that if I was anybody else from another place, time, or story this would in itself be a whole other story I know.

“Truth is singular. Its “versions” are mistruths.” Cloud Atlas (2012)

Only by piecing together the story of a past can I even begin to start and write the present and dream of what may become the story of my future. This is one of the reasons I turned to you Lady Lu, all those years ago and I turn to you now, and while I don’t lie I edit things.

Isn’t that the right of the storyteller though, I mean this isn’t Fox News or anything, facts are important here but my truth, will not be hers, yours, or anybody else’s that happens to read these words *crickets chirping*. The teller must put a part of themselves in the telling and that part is what is most important to them will define the story as well as themselves… why does this remind me of “Gabrielle” from Xena Warrior Princess, classic?

At this point Luna I might as well be doing this for me but that’s the thing, I have no clue what I’m doing and when I finally realize who knows if I will want to, what be 100% honest like the good ole days, weave lust like a paintbrush and the like? I don’t think their ready yet, how could anybody be ready for what’s to come, I didn’t get to work on my novel today, but it’s coming along. When that day comes though… see I can’t even imagine it yet, just another chapter that has not been written but it will be.

For now, other than you and somebody else there is no one to tell, strangely enough, it has been my past pains that have earned me the most acclaim as of late. Today these words just came to me and they flow, though I don’t know if this is a lake or a cesspool and we both remember the disgust in those days. I think that is what this is all about, the need to be honest and you can’t do that looking at someone’s back not knowing, but such and such brunette has my guts all twisted up, sometimes you’re better off having them turn their back on you.

One day Luna I want to be the dad that tells his children stories but of course, they won’t be my own, but I will give them heroes or at least intelligent villains. Until I’m feeling up to it, no tail to chase, plenty of tales to explore and no one to tell them too, not yet Tail, Tale, Tell.

Lesson 007 ~Am I Officially Knots~

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Now I think I know why it’s easier to just get rid of everything and start fresh because it’s complicated never seems to be a good enough answer. Am I Officially Knots… from the looks of it who would even try to untangle me?

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Lesson 007 ~Am I Officially Knots~

Hey Lu,
If I’m not there on a day to day basis I’m certainly on my way and that’s big talk for somebody with eleven followers don’t worry though you’re still safe. So you’re probably asking why we’re still talking if we’re not being overheard like that therapy session on “Finding Carter” I miss that.

“Work finally begins when the fear of doing nothing exceeds the fear of doing it badly” Alain de Botton, Outskirtspress.com

As good an excuse as any but I’ll always go for I’m as mad as Hell, and I am Lady Luna, I’m always angry and I need to keep it that way. I wish I had known about this sooner, if anything I probably did, we use the gifts God gives us or what pretty girls do. Don’t worry about that we’ll talk about that soon enough or not considering the gag order that I’ve given myself as of late.

“If you ever loved me, don’t rob me of my hate. It’s all I have.” The Count of Monte Cristo

I often wonder which is easier to hate or to love, when I first saw the dog that would become my Braxton, I loved him immediately and it has only grown stronger. When such and such hurt my feelings, no that was nowhere near, I liked and I can’t say I care enough to hate but now I’m just disgusted, now didn’t I say something about a gag order. I’d like to say I’m a man with guts but I don’t know whether or not to keep spilling them here, do I need to run to the bathroom or am I strong enough to untangle them right where they are?

Some things are easier said than done Luna, like staying awake to finish my story, that’s the effect that anger has on me. They will be a time to let it go but for now, it’s only been a week; how disappointed God must be with his creations sometimes.

Again not a holy man or anything of the sort, in fact, I might be as useless as Rick Johnson today, the book review I did because I doubt I’ll be getting any views or likes today. More like I’ll treat English as my second language because as I told a friend today, I’ll never forget a cute brunette but I am trying to desperately ween myself off of a few, some, most women, at least for a while.

Not to sound like one but my legs have been all sorts of twisted, might help if I get out of bed but then Braxton would just be out the door in a never ending cycle. You know that movie “40 Days and 40 Nights”, I’ve done that before and I’m approaching that record again. Seems like a stupid solution right, I get my feelings hurt and decide to take a vow of celibacy or to become a eunuch as if that fixes everything as if she cares at all about it.

Someone asked me to explain this course of action and in one way, a person as inclined as myself must exhibit self-control; I hate the idea of fake it till you make it but a man such as I won’t do such a thing because I can have a woman if I want one. Also on a biological level, it’s supposed to raise testosterone levels and make a man more daring and bolder, always being on the hunt except I’m here in bed. It also fuels my anger; I mean if I told you what I was doing before we started talking again but I was already holding out then.

I think we have established that I have guts, but let’s say I have another sign of courage as well though they haven’t been any sign of help in longer than a month. At this rate I’m bound to become even more twisted considering the state of the world and have we learned nothing, in the end, prohibition has failed.

Speaking of prohibition, I’ve been tongue-tied for quite some time, dare I say thirty-three years, I wish I knew the moment there was no going back. Now with writing, I can tell you the exact moment I was doing something but talking was just ugh.

We’ve been over my anxiety a bit but I truly feel that spoken or printed I would have ended up in the same place and no I’m not going to preach about life being unfair… today. The most courage perhaps I have ever shown was all the way back in high school when I asked a girl to prom and of course she already was going with someone else. My anxiety got my ass kicked by my father because I couldn’t talk to the tutors oh and did I mention with all the tutoring in the world I still ended up going to summer school.

“Slander is spoken. In print, it’s libel.” J. Jonah Jameson

With writing you can already see it, my fingers get drunk off their own idea of self-importance and I can’t lie about, who I really was, am, or could be. From the beginning when I was a little boy and I wrote a word on a piece of paper that just happened to be my own name and now that name might as well be “M. Night Shyamalan” though he’s making a comeback. My novel if anything shows how knotted up, how twisted, how tied up my fingers have been and they are not helping with my adult problem really.

For now, I am The Gordian Knot, which isn’t good at all, remember it was not untied but rather cut which was the rather simple solution, is that what I’m doing, I mean not cutting literally, never been one for that. As all addicts, the first step is to acknowledge the problem and that’s the lesson, I’m still trying to see the whole problem but honestly Am I Officially Knots?