Episode 184 ~Will’s Great Gut Instinct~

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Episode 184 ~Will’s Great Gut Instinct~

Dear Future Wife,
How To Make One Million Dollars, well it doesn’t start with greatness, call it fear, hunger, having guts and those are the things you can never show anybody, but that million dollars, my first born child, and you my love are far more than greatness. When I go to the day job I could tell them I was great and it wouldn’t mean a goddamn thing, (a stickler for language), then my friends assure me I’m great and what is it about the breath, buttons, the belief that gets me to agree. My Motivations “What It Really Takes to Be Great,” fire me up without a doubt.

Only a Million dollars is great I want more, B III deserves more than that, and being beside you well that took more than the G-word, sometimes I imagine creating something more than the L-word I suppose. In a way it’s like Christmas Day, New Year’s, the high holiness of Valentine’s Day and what about your birthday, as Ellie Goulding sings it, How Long Will I Love You, and that’s not a one-day thing, a yearly event, though birthdays are like a month right? I heard once that it’s a disease this thing called love, and honestly, I believe that. I mean the things that it makes us do, it’s physical effects on us, and the final result of course.

It’s great isn’t it, like that time I spilled my Sprite at work and when from sickness to panicked cleaner or when I was ready to fight that Goliath, it’s that day when I first saw you and my day is full of love songs and my nights full of blues. You know I’m not one for the Aliens franchise, but I can relate to the agony easily, I don’t drink a whole lot but to be Drunk On You sigh, it’s like being in that hotel again as a kid grabbing a mountain of bacon. How can something be so right and so wrong at the same time, I swear it’s like eating breakfast for once and wondering why I’m stuck in bed. Trying new things in the kitchen and suddenly, Too Much Sauce, going to McDonald’s every day because the cashier “like me” (well I added ten minutes to the next location right)?

My point is I don’t think I’m great, I won’t always feel great even if you say, and Hell I want to be even more than that because you and I, Triple B, our other children we all deserve so much more from me, and that’s going to take courage, a full stomach, figuring things out. I promise you baby girl that I Will; I will because I’m a man, maybe not a great one but I can feel that from head to heel Baby I’m Yours. And while I’m much more of a “Co-Ed Confidential” aficionado, the need, the hunger, for you are so sweet, that I could not deny Will’s Great Gut Instinct.

“Don’t try to be a great man. Just be a man and let history make its own judgments.” Zefram Cochrane

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 086 ~You Have The Guts~

In the words of Mystik Spiral “when I hate your guts, we’ll still be freakin’ friends” but how about all the times I spill my guts and the fact that my guts really hurt right now for another reason other than fear maybe… “You Have The Guts”

Monday, September 25, 2017

Lesson 086 ~You Have The Guts~

Hey Lady Lu
No fear, I mean there is no organ for it and yet it always finds a place doesn’t it, at least until we meet the end and then like any other disease we pass it on. I swear when did guts become the bravest part of our anatomy, guts are usually the worst for me, but fear does a bit of everything.

I heard someone say once, “it’s a disease this thing called love, and I know how dangerous it can be” of course that can go for all manner of things, hope, hatred, and of course fear. The guts only serve as a good excuse for not proceeding, it would be easy enough to say that if I have a stomachache then I should press on because nine times out of ten it’s only fear working its sway. Why does it choose the guts though, of all the pain I feel I wonder if it the guts that hurt the most, is there a better way to stop me, I wonder?

Allow me not to be selfish and think about the rest of the world, the fear of some, the hatred of others, talk about being weak in the knees but these men, football players kneeling to protest are not weak at all. Those people running their mouths, vomiting up their fears hidden behind such hatred, they have no guts at all, those who fear so many men on their knees. For everyone I wonder what experiences shape us, you know I like to quote After Earth plenty Luna but these fears must start somewhere right.

Is that why fear chooses our guts because there is just so much, and it is so easy to hide that even we won’t admit we’re afraid; then again how about those people who say we have guts, more guts than fear maybe. Spill your guts, hate your guts, listen to your gut, is it any wonder we’re so confused and the only relief is spilling each other’s guts all over the place.

I’m still all Co-Ed Confidential, vote with your crotch but because I’m not doing anything in that department I’m really feeling my guts at the moment but is that fear or stupidity? From what I have learned today, it’s a bit of both but in the end Luna I must accept the truth and say it with me You Have The Guts.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 027 ~Topless~

The world is not crumbling around you, no you are crumbling within the world, from crown to toe, and so what remains of whoever you were or still are. Topless, yeah probably not what you’re thinking unless you’re “skeevy” like me.

Friday, July 28, 2017

Lesson 027 ~Topless~

Hey Lady Lu,
Don’t believe what you read and only half of what you hear… I heard that in a movie once but let’s start a bit higher. I know you were thinking this was going to be something “adult” and honestly a part of me wish it was but higher Lady Lu.

Have you ever heard the expressions, having a price on your head, don’t lose your head, hard head, mind playing tricks on me, I could continue, yeah Luna I have a good memory don’t I? Today as the raindrops were falling on my head I just wondered what the price of mine is, the things I know, believe, every solitary thought. Of course, there is the standard, does anyone care enough to want to hate me to that degree; a price on someone’s head when we never use our brains.

“A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Waste” – Shrink, Get Out (2017) and the UNCF

Now, what our eyes and ears, most days we bury our heads in the sand and here’s another saying for you, “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil” though I’ve never had much of a challenge with the speaking portion. Now seeing, I have a friend who actually prefers the burka look but it wouldn’t exactly help a guy like me. The hearing evil only applies to what I hear about myself (skeevy, the incident, never forget) … okay and the things that I want to tell you but we have barely been speaking a month since we started back to these somewhat lessons.

Speaking of which what is today’s lesson other than the fact I was listening to a Nas’s song and “Indiana” talking about ape nipples? I suppose I’m thinking about what actually makes us a human, or how about this, why I can’t seem to understand, what makes me, me maybe.

“So what is the “me”?

My brain, I suppose.

Your brain? Your brain is a body part. Like your fingernail or your heart. Why is that the part that’s you?

Because I have sort of a voice in my head, the part of me that thinks, that feels, that is aware that I exist at all.

So if you’re aware you exist, then you do. That’s why you’re still here.” – What Dreams May Come
So I lose my head and the whole world isn’t on my shoulders though it feels that way a lot, don’t I still have plenty of heart? What about guts, do we really need to have another conversation about courage or my lack thereof and yet I still live.

“Hearts are wild creatures, that’s why our ribs are cages”

Probably one of the most beautiful sentiments I’ve ever heard is “don’t hate your broken heart lovely” makes you wonder why we’re so anxious to give it to someone right? How about the people who are looking to steal hearts away, I don’t think I have ever done such a thing, not for lack of trying, does that make it a crime? Not one heart could be kept in pristine condition, soft-hearted, cold-hearted, what about wearing your heart on your sleeve, makes me think of hiding a dagger to strike.

“Ohh. How embarrassing. There they are. They were inside you the whole time. You did have guts. I’ve never been so wrong in my whole life!” – Negan, The Walking Dead

Now Negan is a teacher if anything he taught me that everyone has guts and anxiety just makes me want to puke mine out all the time. I’ve been trying to keep them in over the past few days, thinking about having any heart changes by the second but as long as I have the guts I keep Braxton and me alive no matter what. How about the fact that I need them to find a woman and I can worry about a heart later?

Of course, this brings another question as we travel lower and lower because heart and guts don’t make you a man or even a decent human being. If I were to lose all of that what would I be then Luna, would I be someone like you, or something else.

Promise we’re not going to talk about whatever madness Trump is starting, but I know my biology and “equipment” quite well. What is it I told “Okay” the other day, I don’t want a woman that keeps me on my toes but knocks me off my feet, whatever that means.

Someone once said, vote with your crotch because, your mind can be fooled, your heart can be broken, and your guts are sort of twisted but your naughty bits always know what they want and I happen to agree. On the other hand, men thinking with the little head and not the big head leads to plenty of trouble and don’t even dare to dream that you can use both. Needless to say, a nice “release” can make everything appear so much clearer but with my writing who truly knows.

Last but not least, getting weak in the knees, “knocky” in the knees, knocking boots, now that is one I haven’t heard in a long time. Falling in love… I think if anything and you know me well enough to figure, we have to fall might far before we can even hope to be made whole. Walk a mile in my shoes perhaps, it all begins with that single step, and so on and so forth but in the movie “Just Looking” I liked that expression of, I don’t sell shoes Lenny, I sell journeys.

What the hell have I learned today, from crown to toe, what makes us, might have nothing to do with the physical, take it all away and what are we left with? I don’t know but naked and afraid, topless, even nonexistent, there is something, no man can see and that perhaps is what makes the man, woman, human, and it’s more than God, Topless.

Lesson 007 ~Am I Officially Knots~

Now I think I know why it’s easier to just get rid of everything and start fresh because it’s complicated never seems to be a good enough answer. Am I Officially Knots… from the looks of it who would even try to untangle me?

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Lesson 007 ~Am I Officially Knots~

Hey Lu,
If I’m not there on a day to day basis I’m certainly on my way and that’s big talk for somebody with eleven followers don’t worry though you’re still safe. So you’re probably asking why we’re still talking if we’re not being overheard like that therapy session on “Finding Carter” I miss that.

“Work finally begins when the fear of doing nothing exceeds the fear of doing it badly” Alain de Botton, Outskirtspress.com

As good an excuse as any but I’ll always go for I’m as mad as Hell, and I am Lady Luna, I’m always angry and I need to keep it that way. I wish I had known about this sooner, if anything I probably did, we use the gifts God gives us or what pretty girls do. Don’t worry about that we’ll talk about that soon enough or not considering the gag order that I’ve given myself as of late.

“If you ever loved me, don’t rob me of my hate. It’s all I have.” The Count of Monte Cristo

I often wonder which is easier to hate or to love, when I first saw the dog that would become my Braxton, I loved him immediately and it has only grown stronger. When such and such hurt my feelings, no that was nowhere near, I liked and I can’t say I care enough to hate but now I’m just disgusted, now didn’t I say something about a gag order. I’d like to say I’m a man with guts but I don’t know whether or not to keep spilling them here, do I need to run to the bathroom or am I strong enough to untangle them right where they are?

Some things are easier said than done Luna, like staying awake to finish my story, that’s the effect that anger has on me. They will be a time to let it go but for now, it’s only been a week; how disappointed God must be with his creations sometimes.

Again not a holy man or anything of the sort, in fact, I might be as useless as Rick Johnson today, the book review I did because I doubt I’ll be getting any views or likes today. More like I’ll treat English as my second language because as I told a friend today, I’ll never forget a cute brunette but I am trying to desperately ween myself off of a few, some, most women, at least for a while.

Not to sound like one but my legs have been all sorts of twisted, might help if I get out of bed but then Braxton would just be out the door in a never ending cycle. You know that movie “40 Days and 40 Nights”, I’ve done that before and I’m approaching that record again. Seems like a stupid solution right, I get my feelings hurt and decide to take a vow of celibacy or to become a eunuch as if that fixes everything as if she cares at all about it.

Someone asked me to explain this course of action and in one way, a person as inclined as myself must exhibit self-control; I hate the idea of fake it till you make it but a man such as I won’t do such a thing because I can have a woman if I want one. Also on a biological level, it’s supposed to raise testosterone levels and make a man more daring and bolder, always being on the hunt except I’m here in bed. It also fuels my anger; I mean if I told you what I was doing before we started talking again but I was already holding out then.

I think we have established that I have guts, but let’s say I have another sign of courage as well though they haven’t been any sign of help in longer than a month. At this rate I’m bound to become even more twisted considering the state of the world and have we learned nothing, in the end, prohibition has failed.

Speaking of prohibition, I’ve been tongue-tied for quite some time, dare I say thirty-three years, I wish I knew the moment there was no going back. Now with writing, I can tell you the exact moment I was doing something but talking was just ugh.

We’ve been over my anxiety a bit but I truly feel that spoken or printed I would have ended up in the same place and no I’m not going to preach about life being unfair… today. The most courage perhaps I have ever shown was all the way back in high school when I asked a girl to prom and of course she already was going with someone else. My anxiety got my ass kicked by my father because I couldn’t talk to the tutors oh and did I mention with all the tutoring in the world I still ended up going to summer school.

“Slander is spoken. In print, it’s libel.” J. Jonah Jameson

With writing you can already see it, my fingers get drunk off their own idea of self-importance and I can’t lie about, who I really was, am, or could be. From the beginning when I was a little boy and I wrote a word on a piece of paper that just happened to be my own name and now that name might as well be “M. Night Shyamalan” though he’s making a comeback. My novel if anything shows how knotted up, how twisted, how tied up my fingers have been and they are not helping with my adult problem really.

For now, I am The Gordian Knot, which isn’t good at all, remember it was not untied but rather cut which was the rather simple solution, is that what I’m doing, I mean not cutting literally, never been one for that. As all addicts, the first step is to acknowledge the problem and that’s the lesson, I’m still trying to see the whole problem but honestly Am I Officially Knots?