Tag: Anxiety

Lesson 112 ~Weak In The Knees~

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I suppose I just have to make room, life is getting heavier all the time and I can’t carry everything, hell there are times I don’t even want to try and yet here I am anyway. Weak In The Knees and not over some girl

Saturday, October 21, 2017

Lesson 112 ~Weak In The Knees~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear and what else is there to say, even now I’m still sitting in my bed; have you ever heard the expression, don’t know what you got till it’s gone? Good health, some semblance of dignity, what about money, how much I miss a few bucks.

The madness is all in my head of course, but you know how much I look for the worst case scenario and now my eyes hurt or I’m just imagining getting broken glass in them. Yes I know, ouch but that hasn’t happened but it is moving closer to Halloween an how about the idea of losing all your guts, yeah as I told Lady Sophia, no more eating at work. Maybe it is too bad that I don’t have nightmares because I’m oversleeping all the time except to go to work or take care of my son of course.

I swear I was at the vet the other day and my voice was reaching so high up trying to catch any air, my anxiety, of course, was wearing me down. What about cutting the grass and my lungs were burning, all the times I have seen death and when I finally feel like I’m dying it’s doing the household chores, that would’ve been a jip.

Speaking of getting robbed, is life just getting more expensive or what, empires may be built out of stone but if that’s the case what is happening to all my gold, already this is going to be the worse year yet from a financial standpoint. It’s no secret that I’m a bit of a miser but I’m also gentlemen and again this begs the question why do I continue in my day job if I’m unhappy with the situation? This again goes back to my anxiety, after the days I have here I am not lovesick but living like a man just waiting for the grim reaper to show.

If you’re going to do what it takes to survive, why not live if you’re going to be sick at least feel like you’re missing something other than making a few pennies at work. So have I learned this yet or maybe there is something deeper and more meaningful but that’s just another job I’m not doing because there is getting to be too much Lady Lu, and sooner or later, I’ll just fall down, that’s where she’ll find me, not Weak In The Knees.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 107 ~You Are Not A Caveman~

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Caveman had no choice but, to tell the truth without words, only the civilized find reasons to lie and yet for some reason I want to be one of them as well. You Are Not A Caveman but I am not a liar either

Monday, October 16, 2017

Lesson 107 ~You Are Not A Caveman~

Second Rule Madam Justice,

No Fear because there was not a word for it, and though I’m sure they felt it, hell as a society we damn near worship it by what right did we give it voice? Do we think ourselves civilized, evolved, just less stupid, that’s a great fear, I sound stupid?

It wouldn’t matter if I ever escaped my cave or if I remained for all time, word and sound echo off the wall and yes I am my own worse critic. We all continue to act on primal urges don’t we, “Indian Gone” and I both agree if some men would just shut up, men would have an easier time with women. What about the fact that we have so many words, so many languages and nobody seems to understand anyone, they just talk and talk but they never listen and yet I’m a fool.

Here’s something for your consideration, who have I ever asked that question of, what do you think of me, do you want me, do you need me, do you believe in me, do you love me, who has actually heard God’s own voice? We’re taught to believe words over deeds, one of my least favorite sayings is a picture is worth a thousand words, dance, art, photography, what about the concept of spoken word? Words are cheap so no wonder people buy thousands and I sit here a pauper or maybe I rather find the words I really want and yet here we are Justice.

How many times would I rather call everyone else stupid, that I can’t be bothered with the idiocracy of it all, I have so many voices speaking of above me, for me, about me, that I wonder what would it matter if I spoke at all? Anxiety Justice, because what is it I want to say other than the truth, that I have buried it along with a caveman because the truth is always the truth no matter the word, action or the speaker himself. That is why I can’t be the caveman, I have to speak, and for the love of everything if I choose to remain silent, don’t let my actions themselves hide the truth, smile, laugh, pretend.

This is simply a statement of fact, the caveman learned, evolved, adapted, overcome and with so much time I should already know this by now You Are Not A Caveman.

I Will Have No Fear

 

Lesson 100 ~I Will Have No Fear~

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How much time you got or should I just say I’m afraid of the whole world… thankfully that would be a lie but the truth is I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I Will Have No Fear, sooner or later but it’s been more than 66 Days

Monday, October 9, 2017

Lesson 100 ~I Will Have No Fear~

First Rule Madam Justice,

No Fear but honestly You know I could go on for forever and a day when it comes to fear, a toss-up between the things that scare me and the things I wish I could believe. So what does this rule mean to me, no real deeper meaning being my first rule, simple and direct?

“Please explain to me just once, why.
Because I’m afraid!

You don’t think your dad ever felt afraid?
If he did,
he figured out some way to beat it.

Yeah, well, there’s a word for that:
Courage” Green Lantern (2011)

Fear Justice, is a disease, it’s a freaking plague, like a zombie virus, it keeps you moving, keeps you seeking something and in the end what do you do with it? I don’t want to be like my father and that in itself is fear but how does he cover up his fear, anger, hate, do I really need to quote Yoda here. Like most things in my life, I believe if I ever find the root cause of it maybe I can find a way to overcome it but that’s not possible is it?

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Master Yoda, Star Wars Franchise

Anxiety Justice, “Indiana Gone” wonders how I sleep so well, nightmares usually aren’t a concern, it’s real life so maybe I should list ten things that scared me just today:

01. Leaving Braxton by himself
02. Going to work
03. Getting the door for coworkers
04. Being overwhelmed at work
05. Multiple meetings (huddle)
06. Being called out by coworkers
07. Walking Braxton
08. Kneeling to check if the ground was cool enough for Braxton (Neighbors have a Flag)
09. Anything happening to Braxton, itchy, toenail stuck in collar ring, etc.
10. Work tomorrow and company after
“Welcome to Fight Club. The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is: you DO NOT talk about Fight Club!” Fight Club (1999)

This is why I constantly quote this rule Justice if anything I should have gone fight club with it and quoted it twice but that will be for next week. Speaking of which I read somewhere that it takes 66 days for something to become a habit and here I am with one hundred lessons, oh right and writing scares me to which is why I’m so late with this, wondering if I’m making any sense at all.

I’m scared that I’m losing my mind, splitting all these ideas up in my mind you know but since this is in relation to the first rule, I’m scared of what people will think of me. How about being scared that no one is thinking of me at all, and in both of those scenarios what will I do then.

There is nothing to learn this is something I know, I Will Have No Fear

“Thou Art Courageous” Spoken to Link, The Legend of Zelda

“Believe me when I say we have a difficult time ahead of us. But if we are to be prepared for it, we must first shed our fear of it. I stand here, before you now, truthfully unafraid. Why? Because I believe something you do not? No, I stand here without fear because I remember.” Morpheus, The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 097 ~Twist In My Anxiety~

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I’m being swept up in ideas at the moment but I won’t dare say I’m winning at life lest everything just gets blown apart but at least it’s not gray. Twist In My Anxiety, when everything seems to be going okay and then whoosh but right now woohoo

Friday, October 6, 2017

Lesson 097 ~Twist In My Anxiety~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear, I’m going to blame it on my anxiety, my irritability, my laziness, and what about all the only craziness that I’ve been going through lately?

First I have some good news and some bad news… I’m not tossing you away again let’s just say I’m going to spread you out some, yeah I really need a girlfriend or at least to go back to watching porn. Anyway, what I’m saying is, I finally have an idea for my virtual brothel, that’s the good news, seven days and seven entries, more bad news is you’ll be the last, let me survive the week and I’ll tell you what I can Saturday. Now does that sound crazier or lazier, when it comes to my story, yeah I have been slacking a lot?

Should I keep riding this train of positivity, today I found out I won a swag pack from Kit Rocha, you know The Beyond Series, when’s the last time I won anything… PCH but that was only a hundred bucks, talk about a kick to the balls. See that’s why I’m going to have another girl I can talk about these things to, though I’m sure “Indiana Gone” wouldn’t mind at all, not going there.

No movie tonight and I’m still attempting to hold off any and all depravity but with the way, I have been talking to “Gospel Girl” lately, what am I always telling Indian Gone ‘behave’. I’m trying Lady Lu, you know how I try and I wrote another review today for the movie “The Mountain Between Us” so I’m not going to mention all of the naughty things I want to do to Kate Winslet. Besides brunettes I’m still trying to decipher what it is about this girl or that girl, what sin does she feed in me, yeah my novel…

The Seven Sins, just seven I think

Luna = Therapy
Justice = Rules
Echo = Past Sins
Sophia = Stories
Dear Future Wife
Escort = Fantasies
Will = Man in The Mirror (Will To Love)

This leads me to another question, there are seven deadly sins but nine circles of Hell and I know sooner or later I will have to start consolidating my rules but the plan is to have 365 of them. So while I’m talking about learning, whatever have I learned today besides anxiety is just another word in all this crazy that I feel and that Braxton needs a bath because he’s driving me crazy, just another Twist In My Anxiety.

I Will Have No Fear

Yes My Ear

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You never see the monster until there’s time to make the trip to that upper room but then again I’m probably going to Hell as often as I keep my head down. Yes My Ear, someone told me to play it by ear because to see what’s coming

I’m “Alive”!
Black or white, in living color, “Live!”
or so the heart appears
in the eyes, on the touch, in the beat of another
Always undercover
Ashamed, it remains unclear

if I am running or hiding
Do I have what it takes to keep surviving
Yes, my feet persevere
Only I can’t look down, I won’t look back
Because I don’t know if I could handle that
Whenever people come near

Am I a sheep
a lion, who’s roar I must keep
like any secret near and dear
Better to be a live chicken than a dead duck
Wanting to scream… what today I’m out of luck
as the fear

makes me into a Mime
I look at my watch thinking it’s time
To have a voice, like Shaka Zulu and his spear
So I have but a pen
with but to write every virtue and every sin
words that won’t disappear

Though if I were to write the future
there would be fewer
bombs, “Hurricanes”, Kamikazes here
And of Rocket 69?
Well I’m not blind
Suppose I should cheer

the fact I have not seen Elysium
entered Heaven at a premium
Oh to be like Katniss and volunteer
My tribute to courage, to live brave and best
Just say yes
Play it by ear

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

 

Only Can Discover

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A cure maybe, or a way to find relief, other than filling my head with numbers, how many times I checked the door, or people stay quiet, a method of forgetting and not having to worry about so much. Only Can Discover healthy.

Oh did I forget to lock the door
or should I try once more, I swore
only to turn around, before

conceivable the dog runs out of water
catching myself but what I said to somebody’s daughter
catastrophic humiliation, why I oughta

delay going in if people saw it, read it, and
decided… it doesn’t matter, I think I can, I think I can
do it, get up and go, man

oops, how many times, five, four, three,
can I ever be free of this disease?
Don’t know but count on my being O.C.D.

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 058 ~To Be Counted On~

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Counting the days until, such and such a day because I think I’m someday is not a measurement, at least not a good one, maybe I should try for something sooner. “To Be Counted On”, and I mean more than on my fingers and toes I suppose.

Monday, August 28, 2017

Lesson 058 ~To Be Counted On~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear but why aren’t we counting the number of times I’ve said that why aren’t we counting how many rules it’s going to take for the new me, why aren’t we counting the days I can stay upbeat. How about we count the number of missed opportunities, well not really missed perhaps but one friend told me today that I wasn’t in a talkative mood… me.

I’m actually a bit too lazy to go back and count, okay maybe a little frightened, I’m still positive you know “Easy Street” but for the most part I have been counting anything to take me away from, that day, and for once I’m not talking about “Sapphire”, we’ll get to that. So far I have around Sixty-Four rules, and I actually have a plan to have three hundred and sixty-five, which I will later condense into something more manageable. If I was still depressed Lady Lu, we’d be talking in bed but I’m actually dressed, being productive, not so much for society but for myself, as I was telling my friend today, I don’t remember happy but I’m okay and even that’s a guess.

I heard once that idle hands are the devil’s playthings but that also goes to the mind, you remember that lady in the parking lot, was I working as hard then, I have to keep my mind occupied at all times it seems. This is probably what “Okay” was talking about that I wasn’t okay though she surprised me a bit noticing I was a completely different person, there was no drive, my biology was to be damned, and I kept my distance. I did confess to her which is why I’m fighting to keep the power of positivity; four words “Don’t Worry Be Happy”.

Have you noticed that I tend to keep our conversations to four-word titles and my rules to five words, seriously where do I get these numbers for things? Only one number matters at all in this age and that is NUMBER ONE, which explains how I got into this mess, to be ahead of somebody.

“What do you mean, “fuck this Employee of the Month shit”, man? When there’s some shit to be won, Goddamnit, I want it. I don’t give a fuck what it is. Y’know what I’m talkin’ about? I take no prisoners. I go hard doing this shit. Big dog. Big nuts. When names are on a mother-fuckin’ board I want to see my name at the top of that motherfucker and next to it, it needs to say “Winner”.” Lamar Davis

This, of course, brings us to the days counting down to Sapphire, I wonder are we as human beings conditioned to anticipate that day, I have all sorts of feelings. I know I keep saying Sapphire instead of the day… okay, that clears things up and did you know there are no good strip clubs around these parts, that’s sad.
“For you, the day Bison graced your village was the most important day of your life. But for me, it was Tuesday.” Street Fighter (1994)

I’ve been counting the things in my Amazon Wish List, when I’m not quoting the company line “Impossible, Immoral, Illegal, Insane”, let’s add one more I, “Inane” at least to some people, to me, I’m just greedy. How about being pricey, as the song goes… if I were a rich man, besides the “M Anime” says I’m hard to shop for, when did I grow to become so complicated? As far as friends go, I might have a handle on two “Indiana Gone” and “Gospel Girl” which in truth means I’m still doing well, two girls last year so I should call this a win, no not like that Lu.

“What would you do if you had a million dollars?

I’ll tell you what I’d do, man: two chicks at the same time, man.

That’s it? If you had a million dollars, you’d do two chicks at the same time?

Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; ’cause chicks dig dudes with money.

Well, not all chicks.

Well, the type of chicks that’d double up on a dude like me do.

Good point.

Well, what about you now? What would you do?

Besides two chicks at the same time?” – from Office Space (1999)

So besides counting a lack of options on strip clubs, I could go so many places but I have no clue what so ever, maybe I should count them. Maybe I should count the numbers of years I’ve been hanging around but can I trust you with that information… secrets are lies but this is not a secret, necessarily. M Anime got me fired up about food but maybe that’s just because I’m hungry, again I need to keep my hands and my mind full, why not add my stomach.

Didn’t I talk about a blank check the other day, besides avoiding you I’ve been counting up my emails and doing the PCH lotto, now this is easy enough to say, I hate math? I hate having so many options only to make excuses as to why I can’t have what I want, you know “Someday Is Not a Measurement.

 

“I don’t have O.C.D.

I had it when I was a kid,
but I haven’t done that in years.

You were just doing it.
When you walk slow like that.

What are you doing?
Are you counting?” – Elektra (2005)

Speaking of yet another rule how about habits, what about movies, or anything else I have to fill my mind with, I can’t tell you how many arguments I’ve had with fictional characters. Strangely enough being as crazy as I am, I’m a man that can be counted on to a certain degree, haven’t missed a day with you except for those years of hiatus.

Right now I’m 3×5, when I leave the house I push the door five times in circuits of three to make sure Braxton is safe, same with my lock I turn the lock three times, with each I tug five, I wash Braxton’s water bowl three times before filling it and take him outside on a multiple of five, talk about O.C.D. To keep my positive attitude, whenever I feel the darkness I play a movie in my head, I tell myself game info, I work on lists, to keep it all at bay. Just like my words I try for a multiple of five or ten, I know it sounds loony but while people believe I’m obsessing over them I’m maintaining my own life.

“Don’t count the days, make the days count.” Muhammad Ali

I’m glad I have lost count of so many things that have been bad and no I don’t count every single breath, except for Braxton’s every now and again, vet’s orders with his condition. As far as the days I’m counting, Sapphire, fun time, and Okay told me not to worry about any trouble, I feel bad for her, I don’t know how she does it but she knows I’m a man that she can count on, I don’t abandon friends. I’m counting down the time to the end of this conversation Luna, not in a bad way but because I’m counting the time, the pages, so many other things.

So what have we learned besides, I count as to avoid becoming just another number and that I may have replaced depression with O.C.D. or I’m just giving into the O.C.D. more? Zero to hero Lady Lu, I want to make it out of this worry, I want to forget how To Be Counted On.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 055 ~Don’t Think of Elephants~

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Why isn’t the elephant, king of the jungle, at this rate, I might as well become one of those people that collect cats but as always I prefer my dog if anything he knows when to shut up? Don’t Think of Elephants, how about a mouse

Friday, August 25, 2017

Lesson 055 ~Don’t Think of Elephants~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear but more depression, I’m trying honestly I am and some moments I can zone out completely and forget and others… not to piss off the religious but my head burns so much I feel like I’m wearing a thorny crown. I should also mention I’m not breaking my rule of “Stop Crying Your Heart Out”; vanity comes to mind but there is no heart involved if anything it is sort of taking a vaccine perhaps.

“Okay, this is me, planting an idea in your mind. I say: don’t think about elephants. What are you thinking about?

Elephants?” – Inception (2010)

As the song goes Lady Lu “I Want to Be Sedated”, I’ve actually been looking up how to forget, how sad is that; don’t they say an elephant never forgets? Not that I am one for fraternities or sororities but my mother and sister both pledged and elephants are sort of their thing, that’s a fun fact I suppose for me. Anyway, the fact is the elephant in the room and you know I like animals more than most people so is that why I’m allowing myself to be crushed.

The thing is I’m not Ava Jerome (General Hospital), another rule “I Take My Own Lumps” she got burned, literally but still refuses to accept responsibility, no Lu, I take all the pain and own up but yes it can be a bit much, I just got to take it and I’ll survive until next year; hell can’t I just become a monk? The internet is one big minefield but elephant crap is quite easy to avoid and so I have but I still have to get this stink off. You know something this metaphor is working rather well, that’s something else I have thankfully been thinking about, my budding upgrades in my writing soon.

If I ever get around to it of course, at work I’m already cracking, told “Big Brother” I’ve been better and even worked an extra hour just because. Idle hands are the devil’s playthings but let’s not forget, the mind is a terrible thing to waste; where are the zombies?

Maybe it would help if I just shut up about it but I think it’s like poison, it’s a virus, you can lie down and let it rot you to the core or you can fight, and keep fighting, endure and survive. I said it before, it begins to define you, can’t say I’ve ever been a victim of racial profiling but back in school, how I kept the bullies at bay was the concept of madness, they left me alone merely on the thoughts of what I could do.

When my family cut me off a few years back I sat in an extended stay hotel, that smelt like bleach for twenty-four hours just… I don’t know, and maybe I didn’t eat or drink a thing for about forty-eight hours after. You know what happened, not a damn thing, keep in mind my parents didn’t care, I didn’t have any friends or family that could help “M Anime” is far away and Braxton was with my folks (no dogs allowed) in the place. Keep in mind Lady Lu, my father thought I was dangerous to the family, the most damage I had ever done to anyone was to myself, they were afraid and life went on for everybody else while I sat in a room for three days willing myself to just disappear completely.

“What was done to me was monstrous.

And they created a monster.” V for Vendetta

It’s like a kid who blames himself or herself for their parents, you begin to imagine that you truly are some sort of creature, omen, that you’re bad and it festers and then everybody wants to know what happened. It’s like being Tomoko from the anime “GTO: Great Teacher Onizuka” you make a mistake and then another, and another soon you can’t help yourself and it becomes your life, Tomoko has many friends though. Probably what scares me the most though is Hunter and Evie from Skye Warren’s “Wanderlust” he was framed for a crime he didn’t commit but the reputation of his crime followed.

“Nothing is wrong with me! I just don’t want to be defined by the worst thing that ever happened to me.” Max, Finding Carter (2014)

All these pop culture references, gives me a reason to search the internet; anyway my point is it is these people who call you these things, decide you’re these things, make you these things, cry foul and then live their lives in perfect contentment not once thinking of somebody that they use to know. Oh and another fact, I’ll never call one of those lifelines again, cops at the house and in less than twenty minutes I’m stuffing everything I own into my car driving to a hotel because nobody gave a shit about the elephant in the room me.

“I feel like some elephant who accidentally got assigned to the penguin house. It’s so obvious that I’m an elephant, but people keep coming up to me with a clipboard and saying, “Hmm, you know, according to this, you’re a… you’re actually a penguin.” Finding Carter (The Ever Embarrassed Elf)

The more things change the more, they stay the same, I have a few friends though only one sort of gets me, Braxton, of course, counts as family and doesn’t care what I am as long as I’m with him. For now, since I’m still out to find what I am, it doesn’t matter what they say, terrifies me I’m writing about this but I’m a writer, that is all.

“Being afraid all of the time, of forgetting somebody’s name, not, not knowing… what to do with your hands. I mean, I, I am the guy who writes down things to remember to say when there’s a party. And then, when he finally gets there, he winds up alone, in the corner, trying to look comfortable examining a potted plant.

You’re just shy, Barclay.

Just shy… Sounds like nothing serious – doesn’t it? You can’t know.” – Hollow Pursuits, Star Trek: The Next Generation (1990)

“I Will Have No Fear” right Luna if you knew how many times writing has brought me to ruin and yet I keep doing it, already I can imagine my father. The thing is everybody would have me remain that mouse in the corner, do mice really scare elephants, something to be considered. I’m writing this down right now, a reason I am a writer is that I have to deal with fewer people, however…

I guess it doesn’t matter in the end, life goes on what a headache, at least I haven’t been hearing anything from a makeshift peanut gallery. Is this why I’m writing later and later, breaking yet another rule or I’m just being lazy, work, excuses, yeah I’ll shut up, get up and write and here I am. I’ve even been avoiding reading a pretty decent book, about someone who got hurt in the past, now where have I heard that?

So what have I learned besides the fact, that I can’t get this elephant out of the room, my head and I have no intention of becoming an ivory trader? Maybe I would rather be a mouse than a man, better to be a live chicken than a dead duck but Don’t Think of Elephants.

I Will Have No Fear

Grin’s Fairytale

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I hate my smile and I could say it’s because I have bad teeth, fell on the stairs, hit with a baseball bat amongst other things but words can be just as damaging to be sure and my words well… Grin’s Fairytale, weren’t “Grimm’s Fairytales” horror

Because I can’t stand to “sup”
or suspend, the words blurry.
I can’t help but worry
as I latch on, again and again
to hmm, oh, I stand in awe
though there is no God

present, he need not hurry
as I have not grown up;
and since when has any man been enough?
“Oh, yes, there will be blood” Jigsaw
spilled his guts but oh when, oh when
will I say the right word to win?

It’s a setup,
when I thought she was a friend
but a stranger, and the skin
crawls, surely
I’m guilty; who am I to say Nah,
to cry, to scream, to laugh, ta-ta

Instead, I offer no sound, no fury
for judge, jury, executioner I draw
no excuses for my shame, as my jaw
knows I should shut the hell up
My every thought, word, and dream a sin
Swallow them, here’s my shit eating grin

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 045 ~You Don’t Hate Them…~

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If I think I hate them today, I probably will hate them tomorrow and the question remains why do I hate them you can’t just put the blame on me or my anxiety. “You Don’t Hate Them…” something I wish I could believe or even desire.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Lesson 045 ~You Don’t Hate Them…~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, but if I do hate them, take solace in the fact that I hate myself more, I’m my own worst enemy and yet I’m still living. On the other hand, you don’t need hate to kill, not necessarily; okay so today is going to be a scary day, it has been, still is, and it may be, still got time.

“It is alright for you to hate them. What did they do? They revered you as a saint and called you holy, and made you promise to become a living Buddha, the fools. Then they buried you alive in solitary darkness. Hate them. Hate them all, the humans of this world.” ― Naraku, Fare Thee Well: Jakotsu’s Requiem (Episode 120)

I don’t possess such hatred Lady Lu and I pray I never do but we both know I’m no saint, and I’m one to ask forgiveness rather than permission, we may get to that today maybe. The thing is today, I was at work, another huddle and I mean just looking at all of them standing there I was filled with an almost overwhelming rage, that threatened to burn me alive. You might call it embarrassment when I walked away from that insipid hands in thing these teams do but no I only grew angrier.

What truly gets to me though is the fact that I should have stood against them, I should have said something but I didn’t say anything. I wonder which is worse, to spew such hateful things for the world to see or to pack it in and let it eat away at you and bury you. Now hate ultimately will kill you, not a doubt in my mind but I’m M.A.D. Mutually Assured Destruction, I don’t mind going as long as I take my enemy along for that last ride.

So the question, do I hate them, you don’t hate them implies that I have reservations and I shouldn’t care enough to hate should I? It’s there though but maybe we should start by how one defines hate, begin at the beginning and all that.

“Hate” – an intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury; extreme dislike or disgust

Again Lady Lu I don’t want to delve into politics but those white supremacists Charlottesville, is it fear, anger, a sense of injury, dislike, disgust, a bit of everything, just the feeling of being superior. Now I could go on forever about my own fear, I won’t quote Yoda today but talk about my greatest fear… my father and you will know why I hate him more than anything else.

They say hate is taught, no one is born hating or to hate, children don’t hate because they have no fear, indeed it is fear that is the architect of hate. As I hope that I don’t possess such hate, I also hope I don’t possess such fear but if I would have spoken up today, would I have lost my hate by releasing it upon them all or would I have only spread that hate. If anything it beats what I am now, I hate and I have been hated or maybe I give myself too much credit there.

“In all this darkness, is there anybody who can make out the truth? He hated, and he killed, and now he dies. And you hated, you killed, and now there’s not one of you… Not one of you who isn’t doomed. Do you know why it’s dark? Do you know why it is night all around us? Do you know what the blackness is? It’s the hate he felt, the hate you felt, the hate all of us feel, and there’s too much of it. There’s just too much. And so we had to vomit it out. And now it’s coming up all around us and choking us. So much hate, so much miserable hate.” Twilight Zone, I am the Night – Color Me Black

I wonder did I hate before anxiety, I didn’t always have one or the other but I think one gives rise to the other, I notice with hate, I gain courage or that’s just anger talking… still not quoting Yoda. People taught me how to hate Luna, no way around that, evil begets evil though they wouldn’t call it that, they would say they’re making a joke. No, they are making you feel small and inferior while uplifting themselves and when we grow tired of this we fight back and when those who were brought low begin to rise what comes next, fear and hate.

“The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral,
begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy.
Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it.
Through violence you may murder the liar,
but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth.
Through violence you may murder the hater,
but you do not murder hate.
In fact, violence merely increases hate.
So it goes.
Returning violence for violence multiplies violence,
adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness:
only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”

from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. (1929 – 1968)

If anything my friend I think the concepts of love and hate come far too easily, it irks me when people speak of love so casually and here I speak of hate, so what is the answer? I will not love, in most cases, this is impossible not that I don’t wish that I knew it more, I love my dog, I love my mom but hate, seriously should I just write another whole book?

If I don’t hate people maybe I truly mean I don’t understand them and see that’s a problem in itself, understanding another is a burden and people don’t want to be understood they want to be loud. We don’t want to know our fellow man because we’re too busy trying to be better and I don’t think I’m better than anyone else… no, I’m not.

Here’s another question Luna, why should I hate at all if it doesn’t do any good, I can’t destroy those who I say I hate, I might be killing myself with this sickness though I continue to live on, so what’s the point. Already I said understanding but I don’t need to understand these people to do what is required, what entitles anybody to our understanding. If we can breathe the same air, if we can work together, if we can be protected by the same laws then there is no need for hate or for understanding and that understanding we can give to those worth our efforts, I think.

“Do you talk to someone else while we’re talking?

Yes.

Are you talking with someone else right now? People, OS, whatever…

Yeah.

How many others?

8,316.

Are you in love with anybody else?

Why do you ask that?

I do not know. Are you?

I’ve been thinking about how to talk to you about this.

How many others?

641.” Her

Maybe if I knew how to love more, I could learn how to hate less, that’s part of my new philosophy, if I talk more, people will have to understand more, maybe they will maybe they won’t but I’m sick of giving them the luxury of saying whatever and putting the burden on me. When I ask people do they need help, I am attempting to understand them and if I do understand then we move forward if I don’t well we fear what we don’t understand and eventually we hate. Nobody teaches you how to breathe but as the song goes, I want to know what love is, I want you to show me and how many people are doing that in the world?

So what have I learned today other than I have so much more room for hate, I mean the heart has finite space but hatred is ever increasing, it’s called a graveyard. Strange though that hate will keep you alive but love is worth dying for, You Don’t Hate Them…

“A sickness known as hate; not a virus, not a microbe, not a germ – but a sickness nonetheless, highly contagious, deadly in its effects. Don’t look for it in the Twilight Zone – look for it in a mirror. Look for it before the light goes out altogether.” Twilight Zone, I am the Night – Color Me Black (1964)

I Will Have No Fear