Tag: Anxiety

Episode 013 ~Too Soon Brave Captain~

WillLeave a comment

Library closed earlier today, but that didn’t stop me, find a way, despite need doggies and girls that need a stern talking to which with my little speech and sad to say the MeToo movement; anyway I didn’t fail today… much. Too Soo Brave Captain

Saturday, July 14, 2018

Episode 013 ~Too Soon Brave Captain~

Hey Lady Lu,
Give Me One Reason to believe it’s possible, already the doubts are creeping in, but I am close, by the end of our conversation here counting my novel, there will be over two-thousand words that leaves three-thousand to go, and I’ve been doing so well. I don’t want you to be proud of me Lady Luna because then I will feel like I can rest. Considering I practiced “success in progress” sounds so much better than failure, I should get this done, find a way, start doing.

So I do not sound off with victory at the moment, there is so much to do and you know this week is going to start a significant slowdown, and it all starts with fear, what would I do if I wasn’t afraid. Truth be told I have practiced my speech for work a few times but you know how it is when you stand up to bullies, that’s pretty much how life has is these days, my high school lifestyle on repeat, beautiful girls giving me grief and hiding in the library. As those motivational speeches keep saying: has that become my new “Detroit Become Human” any way they say you have to find the answer to WHY so why don’t you tell me why I would have to say this, to some girl:

“Look my name is Will, not Willie, William, or Willy-Kins just Will, if anyone calls me Willie it better be because my dog has learned to speak English or you’re my girl and while you’re cute, you ain’t that cute. Like touching me, if you ain’t my dog, my girl or applying for the position don’t touch me, and you might need to drink “a nice tall glass of shut the fuck up.”
― Will

That would be me “burning the boats” because my novel should be my Plan A and if you want to be successful you can’t have an exit strategy, do or die and it’s sad don’t you think that if I walk out of here without having known success, whatever will I do at the house? There is a reason that I come here to work every single day; because I know that the writing will get done and I will make it despite everything and as far as the day job is concerned… as Randy Marsh would say isn’t this America; Too Soon Brave Captain.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 006 ~My Number’s Up, Again~

WillLeave a comment

I got lucky once, but I won’t dodge a bullet the second time and how I tend to count on so much or more like the times I’ve seen disappointment to be sure but I’m far from zero to be sure. My Number’s Up, Again

Saturday, July 7, 2018

Episode 006 ~My Number’s Up, Again~

Hey Lady Lu,
Give Me One Reason not to die though I feel that way regularly, not precisely suicidal; there was a time though I got a speeding ticket and I had no money and figured I only had three weeks to live; life or death how it always is with my father just saying.

Fifteen Hundred words, it took me so much time last night because of all the pretty girls, but I’m still hanging in there, “No Fap” and all, Day 119 and counting but today aren’t I suppose to do five thousand words? Am I giving up, am I making excuses, and I going to say that I won’t do it, I could go back to sleep of course and there it is, I could, between talking to you, writing that review on The First Purge, etc. Talk about being at a loss for speech because there is nothing I can say, keep writing and then asking myself what for, would I find myself published the week after next maybe a millionaire?

Forty-Six dollars is forty-six dollars, and already that’s gone, I figure I’ll go to the bank anyway because I have to find some way to keep the blog afloat and remember when I started it only took around eighty bucks. It’s also not helping that I’m thinking of some retail therapy, not to sound like a sexist but if sex is such a taboo subject, I can see why women are always buying stuff… coping.

Twelve hours, six-hour shifts, two days, I dodged one bullet when it came to working in shoes, but I won’t get so lucky this time, cleaning, what did I say yesterday about being illiterate because I don’t understand what I’m doing. What about the concept of “I’ll think about it” translating to my dumbass boss as “he’ll do it” dammit Lady Luna clearly like my father. If I were doing any writing you would think I’d write more black men as villains instead of somewhat anti-heroes, remember who the real enemy is, here I am a black man, and I can’t stand MOST black people.

“… but the truth is that I dislike most men as much as I dislike women. If anything, I am an equal opportunity misanthropist.”
― Andrew Davidson, The Gargoyle (2008)

Now none of these numbers will honestly kill me, well at least I shouldn’t feel that way but you know “Anxiety” but that sounds like an excuse, and I have a million of them. Now yes I was doomed on day one (but it’s only July) *sigh* I’ve got to use my imagination to show why My Number’s Up… Again.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 315 ~Open Your Eyes Cyclops~

WillLeave a comment

I still have years left to work if everything does its part, and today it was my eyes, to think that I might be suffering from a lack of sleep or maybe I’m just getting old; could I be developing mutant powers? “Open Your Eyes Cyclops”

Saturday, May 12, 2018

Lesson 315 ~Open Your Eyes Cyclops~

Hey Lady Lu,
Can You Love Me Again, because I don’t know, I haven’t looked in the mirror since Thursday really; being I’m my own worst critic, but I don’t have body issues, for the most part. Let me say that Thursday was eye-opening in a way, which is the concept for today’s lesson, despite everything; sight is not something to be taken for granted as we live in a beautiful world but “Don’t Panic” I will behave Lady Luna.

Honestly, I have no choice in that regard, well I do, but that’s just it right, I’ve said men would do anything when it comes to women that they’ll never see naked. To be honest, I’ve seen her naked just not in the flesh, but it did help with the manscaping and not. No more dreams, good ones anyway because other than last night I haven’t been sleeping much, my head was pounding and my eyes; not much scares me physically but blindness, I couldn’t do. My son is doing better on sleep, but just this morning he was looking for me and passed right by twice, I’ve said before I will be his seeing eye man if he needs me, and with taking care of him, there is so much to see my friend.

Now I know I usually see through one eye in particular, like “Okay” asking me what is it with me and brunettes. Honestly, I still don’t know; when I was a kid it was Asian girls for example “Tram-Anh Tran” a.k.a. Tina Nguyen on Ghostwriter. During middle school and through high school, it was mostly Caucasians with an African-American woman squeaking by every now and again. For a month or so I was all Wakanda Forever… does that make me racist now that I’m back to brunettes and yet there is so much beauty in the world, though women are best you have to admit?

My favorite “Colors” are black and red but just looking at my lost little boy today as he walked by, well I already like brunettes, so tan, beige, brown is just a given, between his beige fur and brown eyed girls. Maybe today I just wanted to appreciate my “Hungry Eyes,” and it beats being angry all the time “The Red” that usually takes over, so I should just enjoy today, but yeah I’m staring into a world of “Black Or White,” both with writing.

Black and white, will lead to green and gold, which will lead to red, and then “Back In Black,” and why not go and enjoy “Mr. Blue Sky,” today or tomorrow, Open Your Eyes
Cyclops.

“There’s a saying — the pessimist looks down and hits his head.
The optimist looks up and loses his footing.
The realist looks forward and adjusts his path accordingly.” ― The Walking Dead, The Well

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 308 ~Time Of My Life~

WillLeave a comment

Too much tie on my hands, around my wrist, on my phone, my dog’s leash, my keyboard and at the end of the day it all goes to waste, and I know better, but I’m surviving. Time Of My Life and I have felt like this before and worse.

Saturday, May 5, 2018

Lesson 308 ~Time Of My Life~

Hey Lady Lu,
I Am Not Fine Today, and there’s been no “dirty dancing” here though I am disappointed in myself for several reasons and I don’t even know what to call this time in my life. Yesterday I was supposed to have fun but what did I do… barely watched any Star Wars movies (only three). I worked on “Star Loves Not Wars,” as my knack for organizing makes me feel productive. Maybe “I got that magic you call OCD” does it matter honestly?

When you realize time is not on your side, part-time retail job and the thing you’ve chosen as a career isn’t getting done, I’m still not editing or working on my poetry book, and I’m spending money on what, NaNoWriMo gear and movies. Now I did go shopping for actual food online which I have to go pick-up, my idea of saving time and for what, other than keeping my word and reading yesterday what am I doing with myself. Of course, I’m brought to one of my disappointments, that I’m a grown ass “man,” and I had a wet dream a few nights ago figured I should reset No Fap, but not my fault.

It could always be my health, allergies on top of not getting enough sleep, don’t get me started on food, it’s been all chicken, or I’m a seafood addict not that I ordered much of that. What about my son, getting up to walk him is the highlight of his day, and if it’s not my exhaustion, it’s social anxiety, and if anything, he should be having the time of his life these days I think? I keep telling myself maybe tomorrow, and perhaps that’s just it, Lady Luna this could be like that movie “The One,” and I’m just traveling through different versions of my life, not repeating the same day but nine lives.

How many times have I thought I’ve died and unlike Jet Li, I’m not getting stronger, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, should start running, or could only think this is a lot more suffering than death? Yeah I certainly sound down, but I’m saving my apologies for customers at work or Inspector Echo but have I done any good deeds, anything to make someone smile other than my dog; birthday gifts a few.

Yeah “Indiana Gone” should be enjoying her birthday vacay, and I’m helping a business next week, but as I’ve said, the concept of survival isn’t the Time Of My Life.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 301 ~No More Heroes Anymore~

WillLeave a comment

I’m no hero, but at the same time I don’t want to be just cannon fodder, and for sure I’m not Atlas trying to carry the whole world, but maybe somebody should tell that to my e-mail account or the guy wanting me to donate. No More Heroes Anymore

Saturday, April 28, 2018

Lesson 301 ~No More Heroes Anymore~

Hey Lady Lu,
I Am Not Fine Today, and in other news, I don’t need to be saved either and don’t worry I’m not about to turn all religious on you. Honestly, we wouldn’t have so many heroes if that was the case. Why don’t we ask ourselves why we need so many heroes and I answer, it’s because the world is just one big mess and yet we tell everyone to do their part, but look at all the charities, the programs, the ideology.

Hell you might as well call me a Republican, but then again I didn’t donate to babies when I was at the store today, and sure I didn’t want to but say I did, what about the puppies, what about housing, and there is always disease. There was this man today that called me “rabbi,” seriously I’m not religious, and this guy, just another black guy trying to make it in the world who only wanted to talk, maybe he needed a friend. Don’t get me started on friendship; you know “Cherry” can be draining, people talk about enemies but it’s your friends Lu that take it all, and no I don’t mean like that.

“I got enemies, got a lotta enemies
Got a lotta people tryna drain me of my energy.”
Drake ― Energy

How about the girl I saw today while I was shopping, beautiful and all but I didn’t want to mess up her day; another reason I’m not a hero, I lack courage, and to a villain, it wouldn’t have mattered. You see every person on Earth is their world, trying to save themselves, some find by helping others they indeed accomplish this, but that ain’t everybody though they continue to say that thinking of yourself is selfish. Personally and I’ve said it before, I don’t want to be the hero, and I feel so horrible saying that, I feel selfish, every day we are inundated with cries for help, justice, and those that can try.

“Nothing in the world is the way it oughta be. It’s harsh and cruel, but that’s why there’s us: champions. Doesn’t matter where we come from, what we’ve done or suffered, or even if we make a difference. We live as though the world were as it should be, to show it what it can be. You’re not a part of that yet. I hope you will be.” Deep Down

Maybe I’m just feeling overwhelmed at the moment as again I live “my” life not for myself but others, and when I do rest, I feel like I’ve wasted a day. I do it out of love for my dog, the needs of my job, the fear of my father, and the lives of my friends. The problem with being a hero is they only get to see the bad, and with victory comes no meaning, and at the very least a villain understands what he does, don’t I know.

Villains and tragedy give heroes purpose, and I have enough of the bad, but no matter what I say I only need one hero and that’s me, the rest of the world has plenty fighting to keep it going, so let them be strong, I’ll say No More Heroes Anymore.

“You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” The Dark Knight (2008)

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 144 ~Let’s Do The Math~

WillLeave a comment

How many days did he waste his money on tutoring, how much did it cost for me to fail miserably and take a final exam twice just do my school could get rid of me, not to mention being a college dropout, now that’s a story? Let’s Do The Math

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Lesson 144 ~Let’s Do The Math~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear but me plus you equals a ton of it but maybe I shouldn’t say you, just damn near anybody else and then my heart is stone, along with everything else and God help you if you’re a pretty girl. Math has never been my strong suit, which ain’t saying much, what about English or Psychology, before I even knew to call it Anxiety at all.

I’m not sure if I ever told you this story but my senior year of high school I was failing yet another Math class and my “father” put me in a tutoring, which of course didn’t help because I didn’t have the minimum basic skills to be human. I never talked to anybody, never got help, and the one time I did try to communicate with another person, let’s just say something else was rock hard. Too bad it wasn’t a headstone, yet another one of those times suicide seemed a viable option, and yeah I know I have no one to blame but myself because as far as he’s concerned, anxiety doesn’t exist honestly.

All I did was write down problems and when he found out he beat my ass, yelled at me and the tutors, and here I thought people were monsters but compared to him… so yes I learned how to talk to people to a certain extent. On the other hand, I won’t ever be promoted at work because I still lack the same skills I did as a teenager, thus I’m asking less money. How many girls numbers do I have, maybe two and I’m not sleeping with either of them so what is the point Inspector Echo, any purpose?

I waste money because I don’t think I’m ever good enough and don’t ask me how old I am and I’m still alone, well I got the dog so that’s one and a half occupants here. My whole damn life has been one 3/5’s Compromise… okay so I might have liked History and what do we learn from History, those that don’t learn from the past, so on, so forth.

How many times can I apologize for having anxiety an even if I went as high as a million at the end of the day it will always be there won’t it? So am I forgiven for living my life, surviving, wasting it because even one word scares the hell out of me, my “father” *sigh* Let’s Do The Math?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 137 ~Love A Bad Name~

WillLeave a comment

And you are again, you’ll have to forgive me, having forgotten myself some time ago how can I be expected to remember anyone else, well besides the dog at least. Love A Bad Name, really what’s in a name anyway?

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Lesson 137 ~Love A Bad Name~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, I know your name but more often than not, I have no clue who I am and so in a way it doesn’t matter who anybody else is I suppose. Isn’t that me being a philosopher rather than just saying, I got really bad anxiety and while I can remember in great detail while I hate a man, dude I can’t remember his name to save my life, which is fine since the humiliation makes me want to die anyway.

Recently it was the day job, and it seems like everything was conspiring against me to learn this new guy’s name, nametag always out of view, too much noise, and “hey you” isn’t polite, is it. It always gets worse, I’m sure I once talked about how everyone called me Mr. Willie for years until I went on a rant to HR, not one of my finer moments. You need another example, I didn’t know my grandmother’s name was Marie forever, so people would call asking for her and I’d tell them they had the wrong number in her own place I mean just seriously.

Now if you want to talk about all the things that I have been called over the years… even with all that I still hate my given name, *ahem* Lesson 056 ~Respect/Respeck On My Name~ but you know I am a man of contradiction. If I can’t correct somebody on my own name how the hell am I supposed to remember theirs, not that I intend to be friends even at work, my motto is, if you want something done right, do it yourself. Speaking of which I’m still meaning to go on that rant at one of the meetings but strangely enough, I need a few big names there to have the right zing.

I at least was going to say I was never a bully but there was this guy I hated as a kid and this lady asked me who I was talking to and I said, “not much” as I scoffed at him, yes Inspector Echo remind me to pick up a copy of “How to Win Friends and Influence People” Here’s another thing, the fact that one can think themselves so ugly that they seek infamy to be known for something other than their face?

I am sorry that names seem to escape me, as the song goes, “I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name” or I’ve been at the house with a dog and no cares. You know that’s going to end come Black Friday, so aren’t we all sorry because with so many new people, Love A Bad Name.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 129 ~Know You Mean Will~

WillLeave a comment

I know you mean well when it comes to me, sometimes I even hate the sound of mind own name but “Will I Love You” would honestly be pretty new for me. “Know You Mean Will” but there are other things I just can’t deal with, even from a lover.

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Lesson 129 ~Know You Mean Will~

Dear Future Wife,
No Fear and I know you mean Will I love you but there are some things you need not do, though you probably will and it will break my heart to see that I hurt you in some way. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself, dreaming of breakfast in bed with you, when all I will ever need is you by my side every morning, everything else will be anxiety after we leave; I’ve never been one for coffee but tea helps.

While I will spend every day of my life loving you, there is one we never need to discuss, if anything that day led to us being together but the first day of my life… It’s just not to be celebrated in any way, I know you look at your own as a blessing perhaps, I’d be counting my lucky stars if you felt the same but the hope of being with you is enough. Just one day out of the year I wish I could forget and while I long for three little words, there are two words on that day that don’t exist.

Am I a fool for letting you into my head, if anything love is insanity and so let’s lose our minds together and not worry about everything else. I don’t remember a vow saying we need fix one another, but rather for better or for worse, in sickness and in health and I don’t plan on leaving you anytime soon. My father, however… you and I have a family of our own, a bigger one someday, whatever will I tell the dog but while I respect your father and ask for his blessing, not permission, that irks me for some reason, you needn’t concern yourself with my family “Issues”, you got them too as the song plays on and on.

Don’t tell me it’s going to be okay, I know I would never lie to you and you wouldn’t to me and I know you will mean “Will, it’s all going to be okay” but those are words I can never believe. Even if I ask you a million times are you okay I don’t know if I will ever be but tell me you’re here, tell me the world will end and you’ll still be with me, tell me the truth or say nothing at all, just wrap your arms around me and stay.

Because I will know my love, this I will believe, and my love I do truly Know You Mean Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 119 ~Everything, Everything, But Tomorrow~

WillLeave a comment

A day of sitting on my ass and not in a good way: I wish tomorrow would never come even if it means I would feel this way for, god knows how long, I know work will be so much worse. “Everything, Everything, But Tomorrow”

Saturday, October 28, 2017

Lesson 119 ~Everything, Everything, But Tomorrow~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear but depression has made itself right at home, along with even more anxiety and whatever else happens to be wrong with me and my blog at the moment. Honestly, I’m sort of envious Maddy from Everything, Everything, only I wish this was all in someone else’s head and not just my own or my stomach.

Today has been a waste, what am I saying this whole damn week has been a waste and to think I started with such high hopes and grand aspirations. You ask me where did I go wrong and the answer might take me forever and a day, but not today, or how about the last two that I just gave away? I couldn’t even say yes to “Indiana Gone” because everything is just falling apart, of course, this isn’t helping with the anxiety, I’m trying.

Hell, I’ll have to try harder if this keeps up because of tomorrow… I remember last price changes, how gross was that day? Honestly today I’m just back to trying to make it the next five minutes, it worked in the past but now I’m back to thinking about time. I don’t have time for anything anymore and that’s because I somehow or another forgot my favorite word, NO. Of course didn’t I say “No Fear” I say that every day, still trying to make it come true and yet here we are again right?

No I’m not sick just a Pop Tart and a chicken finger decided to lead an evacuation, yes this is getting grosser but honestly, where have I spent the majority of my day? If it’s not my stomach it’s me fearing everything else, my fellow authors, my computer, and that tomorrow is coming, faster now.

The thing is I’m more than willing to accept everything, I mean all of this than what awaits me but didn’t I survive the days of Sapphire, I’ve nearly survived another year, more waste. Personally, I just want to crawl into bed and await the inevitable, even if I feel better if I had to choose between Fear, Depression, and Anxiety, let’s say Fuck, Marry, Kill Style, I’d fuck depression, marry fear, and kill Anxiety.

So what have we learned today, that I should talk to several different doctors and maybe I could them about well, Everything, Everything, But Tomorrow.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 114 ~Now The Work Can Begin~

WillLeave a comment

“You need to get up, get out and get something” as the song goes but why can’t I just be inspired by myself, I could quote forever on what it takes to be somebody but when it comes to my body I rather sleep. Now The Work Can Begin because I’m up

Monday, October 23, 2017

Lesson 114 ~Now The Work Can Begin~

Third Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, and when I find a way to somehow believe that or find the courage to overcome, not just for a moment, a day, or when my favorite badass song comes on. Not when I’m mad enough to want to burn the whole world down and in so doing end up destroying my own work out of that fear.

The work begins when I stop hating myself for everything, how I make excuses or my how I want to apologize, how about signing anyway my name for stuff I couldn’t care less about. Hating the man I have grown to be in front of so many others, I hate him as much as much as the man I want to be and what about the man I am at this moment. Fear and hate take work and don’t even get me started on love, it’s even another rule, understanding could make up for all of this and that’s work.

My work begins there, they don’t have to love me and I don’t have to love them but I want to know and it doesn’t help, finding places to hide, it doesn’t help just wanting to survive, how about just dreaming of someday and hoping that I will do better tomorrow. Am I trashing hope, no but hoping to move isn’t the same as moving, you can hope to be saved or you can save yourself, or you can be the one that everyone needs saving from, whatever it is you want to do. That is another part of the work, you don’t have to know where you’re going the point is you’re going and judging from how late it is I’ve been on the road to nowhere too long.

Madam Justice the work does not begin, ever sad morning I get up, full of worry and doubt, scared to death, just wanting everybody to leave me alone, counting the minutes I can climb back into bed. My work started yesterday when I saw my blog get a secure rating, my work started when my fingers began hitting keys, my work started when at the moment we started talking I hated it, maybe still do but I’m here and why can’t I do this every day with people, another thing for my to-do list possibly.

If I finally decide Madam Justice, I have to decide, Now The Work Can Begin.

I Will Have No Fear