Tag: Anxiety

Log 008 ~Will Has Heart BUM~

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As far as I know Link and Princess Zelda never got married, of course, Luke found out Princess Leia was his sister and where was Nakia for T’Challa in the Avengers films, is it easier being a hero than a husband, Thy Art Courageous? Will Has Heart BUM

Tuesday, July 9, 2019

Log 008 ~Will Has Heart BUM~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Millionaire right now, and I owe it all to Zelda. What, can you fault a guy for wanting to name our daughter after a princess, Leia, Shuri, or Zelda. It worked for Robin Williams. I also have stock in the Legend of Zelda franchise and Quantic Dream. Now before I put you to sleep, though if I did, we wouldn’t be married ha; you know I love a good story. So, my Queen, I was thinking about how our love is an adventure. We keep going and going like something out of Final Fantasy until they get to FF “XXX…” sorry work related My Love.

Anyway, Link, (the protagonist for those who don’t know) is always chasing maybe three things. The Triforce, heart pieces, and his princess. Power, wisdom, and courage, I needed all three to have you by my side. I gave my whole heart to you, and every day, I find these pieces in everything I do with my life. All so I can give you more and our kids. You, of course, remain the reason, and even though I have you, I keep running. Am I afraid? Courage does not mean the absence of fear. I love you, but I keep thinking that I’ll always need something more. It’s like I’m forever opening a treasure chest and I’m praying I’ll find something there. When it was only me and B III, I felt like I was playing Heavy Rain seeing how far I would go for my son, to be his father.

I always find the strength, for him, for us, but I never know what’s next. The hearts will keep coming, the adventure will continue, and I’ll never get enough of you. Today I guess I’m asking myself why did Link get up in the first place. What did Princess Zelda see that said this boy, this man can find a way? Luke was a farm boy, T’Challa was his father’s son. What is it I want to say? I treasure you because, with all I had, I had nothing? It could be that love cannot be hidden. How about happily ever after isn’t only that, the prince keeps going, the warrior continues to fight. The princess, the queen, isn’t always a damsel in distress. A man can be a hero and love but my chest, Will Has Heart BUM.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 001 ~A Will Date Night~

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First off Happy Anniversary to me, two years of blog posts, every single day and starting Camp NaNoWriMo, so if you ask me why I don’t have a girl, as the song goes Everyday, I’m Hustling and even if I had one. “A Will Date Night”

Tuesday, July 2, 2019

Log 001 ~A Will Date Night~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Millionaire right now so our anniversary should be something even more epic. Is it cute or all kinds of creepy that I put more thought into our wedding day that our first date? Star Wars, The Hunger Games, Divergent, The Walking Dead, Article 5 I could continue. My movie list or reading list. No surprise now that I’m a bit of a homebody, even with multiple millionaire dollar homes. What was it I said about not building my bedroom on each of my business properties. You know, I will.

Anyway, we’re going out tonight and not to the movies, a museum, or anywhere muted. For someone who loves music, it’s something about concerts or places with live music that irks me. Restaurants, well I’m still mourning the loss of Seafood & Chicken Box, but there is always the Red Lantern. I’ve said often enough if I ever mention caviar go ahead and shoot me, please. I’m not much for some drinks as my friends will tell you, yet we have full wine cellars. My most romantic destinations are always in books. A vacation on our anniversary is one thing but what about other days.

People say you want to know how boring you are, let them ask about your hobbies. Again I retreat to the quiet places, libraries, book stores, a walk through the woods. There we go with that creepy factor now. I want to show you off, not like a trophy or anything but your what inspires me always. A night beneath the stars sounds a tad better than a night surrounded by them. We have a full theater room, but I only want to sit on the couch and watch something. Every Saturday and this is a constant, but I want to lie in bed with you and listen to nuclear pop for three hours. I want private hotel rooms with room service. Video Games but wait what’s my age again and nothing to do with sports titles. Where did I find you babydoll, or was it the other way around?

First dance at the wedding or did we have a lightsaber duel, both equally hilarious coming from me right? Karaoke or a poetry reading, again my attempts at humor. Still, it is our anniversary, and every day I love you more. Oh, Nothing on a boat, A Will Date Night.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 218 ~Anxiety’s A Bitch, Not Her~

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Dear Anxiety, she’s either the girl I am continually paying for, or she’s my “Daddy,” so it’s a good thing I’m finally sitting down to write this although it’s late, yeah anxiety never let me out to play. Anxiety’s A Bitch Not Her

Monday, February 4, 2019

Episode 218 ~Anxiety’s A Bitch, Not Her~

Seventieth Rule Madam Justice

How To Make One Million Dollars, Cosplay, though I’m not so sure it works the same way for males in that area and though I might sound redundant, while I have a million problems with my face, I’m somewhat cool with my body but not “gay for pay.” Yeah, I’m nobody’s bitch, and I would call myself out for my language but the title; anyway let me state for the record there are plenty of women I “dislike” but for the most part with them, a more proper president said:

“the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

Now I know, as always, this is more a conversation for Dirty Diana, I will call a girl plenty of things in a moment of passion, talk to the MILF or @courtscandyshop, but that’s more Dominant me than whoever I am at any given point. My “father” often talks about us being alike and haven’t I told you before he might hide his anxiety with pure anger but as for myself “THEY” say I wear my heart on my sleeve. These days it seems I like my anxiety, afternoon naps, and “ACHING” more than I like any girl and then I’m upset, but if there is any “bitch” I’m upset with, well, there’s a mirror.

You can’t call a girl a golddigger if you flash your cash, can’t blame her for getting scared when you give the Hunchback a run for his money, and when your fingers speak more truths than your mouth well, that’s how we roll. I need to break-up with my anxiety, and as far as dumping someone, now that’s a talk to have with Inspector Echo, maybe I should be like Sheldon and have a council of ladies at some point right? Perhaps Anxiety is like the best friend, and while I may have fantasies of two girls at the same damn time, she shouldn’t be one of them of course.

Another way of looking at it is that I’m being stalked by it and you know me, I don’t want to hurt anyone surprisingly enough, so I attempt to stay far away, and I keep myself from having any real true blue life. As my motivations go, take responsibility for my life, there are three girls I’m thinking of tonight, but I am far from a player, must mean I need to fire the fourth ugly chick from my stable… Anxiety’s A Bitch Not Her.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 187 ~Will Asks A Director~

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What’s today’s story, I’ll let you know when I’m back holding the pen, B III needs me to go and get his papers, I got to talk to a girl about some mean green, and I’m sure somebody out there needs me for a joke. “Will Asks A Director,” or becomes one

Friday, January 4, 2019

Episode 187 ~Will Asks A Director~

Hey Lady Sophia,
How To Make One Million Dollars, ask Skye Warren, Celia Aaron, Pepper Winters, Pam Godwin, should I ask S. Wolf or Todd Michaels, and I know what you’re thinking, yes I know way more authors than directors. Hell, last night I told myself the whole story of The Postman (1997), instead of sleeping in my bed, I slept on the loveseat and dreamed I was Star-Lord flying through the sky about to fight Thanos a.k.a. B III on account of him being sick, the heating vent, and Honest Trailers, how that wasn’t in my plans at all.

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.” ― Woody Allen

If I have learned anything from this week and as always this is a repeated lesson, I’m a dominant; I like being in control, my directorial debut “Cumming For You” (no I won’t call LANGUAGE on the title) was a resounding success; I always wanted to direct a porno. I can be a producer of course when the need arises, the day job, a pretty girl is coming over (asks Indiana Gone or Okay) and let’s hear it for my ill Triple B, now that’s not good, but my Motivations always talk about having a reason, a drive, your purpose. Social Anxiety, of course, makes you think the camera, the spotlight, the live studio audience is always on you and that’s one more reason to stay under the covers, to play the ghost, why so many others prefer playing dead.

The concept brings me back to the hot MILF and my new actress, am I becoming a fanboy, that was before I even saw her naked but what I’m getting at is, that energy, the moment she cums, the improvisation, motivation, life. Even in my novels, it’s not that I’m writing, I believe whatever I want, I make plans and then the characters, they take over and the beauty of that moment, do you watch, or do you join the fun? Do you think God is up there, wishing for some good shut-eye, but he’s busy stroking or fingering, maybe sees us as sick and has to stay up all night, perhaps we’re only the strangest dream; still an atheist.

Today however I’m cast and crew, I’ll probably have a conversation with my actress, and Triple B is busy writing his new screenplay though I think it’s shit (LANGUAGE) yeah going to buy more doggy pads and that means I’m going to be on screen. Everyday Lady Sophia I “try” an answer the question, why am I a writer and here’s one “Like Me When I’m Not Me” so does that mean I want to be a character or stay behind; Will Asks A Director.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 180 ~Sick Of Know Will~

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Well aren’t I running late today with everything, bills, conversation, and I’m sure there is a NO someplace, but that would require asking the question and don’t I think I know everything hmm? Sick Of Know Will

Friday, December 28, 2018

Episode 180 ~Sick Of Know Will~

Hey Lady Sophia,
How To Make One Million Dollars, have the guts to go after something harder than that; ahem, my Motivations, one says it’s never about the prize but the pride, for example, I can buy a NaNoWriMo winner’s shirt, but I believe one must earn it. Believe, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that I could, should, and would write fifty thousand words, even more than that it was fact Lady Sophia, before the first word, there was my goal point blank.

Another Motivation, Hero Of Your Own Story and you’ve heard this a million times over, I wake up because I have to, I’m always grateful for B III’s safety and health, I don’t look in the mirror and I’m starting to think, maybe it’s because I KNOW who I am. Makes me a hypocrite saying I’m lost all the time or wandering at least, yes one foot in front of another today, tomorrow, every day zombified. When somebody new sees me well; to write you bleed, you spit venom, you breathe fire, and so you live, writing is living Lady Sophia, cage, institution, torture chamber, hell a concentration camp, a hospital, a library is a hospital for the HUMAN mind.

So how do I get discharged hmm… of course I talk to you but honestly what does this make me; well on top of everything else I’m tired, work, errands, I am keeping up with Christmas Cake: A Holiday Collection by Celia Aaron but that doesn’t count as work. I have such plans for tomorrow, promises but will I keep any of them, will I write them down, you know I do that every Sunday and again I know I won’t keep them, isn’t that precisely the type of man I am now? Speaking of man, you know what I have wanted to write all day, I asked “Okay,” “Indiana Gone,” and “M Anime” and they all agree but I have yet to make that move because I have no problem saying I’m afraid, twenty seconds of insane fucking courage.

I’m sick of knowing the answers to everything, that you don’t understand me one bit, that I’m looking at an F come Sunday and of losing more friends and light when she says NO. You get discharged by accepting the fact and doing it anyway because that my dear Lady Sophia is what living is, courage is not the absence of fear, it’s the knowledge that yeah you’re going to die, but for a second, twenty, you’re alive, and I’m not Sick Of Know Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 173 ~Purposeful Listlessness Of Will~

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Top ten actresses, best places to build a brothel, and could Santa carry a billion dollars in his bag, I’m sure I could think of a few ways, but no I instead count other “things” or not, *sigh* so many sheep. Purposeful Listlessness Of Will

Friday, December 21, 2018

Episode 173 ~Purposeful Listlessness Of Will~

Hey Lady Sophia,
How To Make One Million Dollars, be too lazy to make an actual list of the things you want; my Motivations talk about writing down everything from your wishes, to whys, to The Way, and I mean your life’s purpose. I remember when Cherry talked about my Pinterest boards, my “Spank Bank” I was able to tell her so handily what I wanted to do with my life; I want to write books, have a bordello and a billion dollars… not good.

Probably because it would end up as Exhibit A in some court case am I right, but wanting to rule the world and be a politician, can be two different things but learning from America, being a Republican gets you paid and thus all sorts of control. Is there ever such a thing especially considering today, if I made a list of everything that has threatened that command… more Dirty Diana’s wheelhouse but Anna Blossom (Pornhub), Two Milfs (sigh), Haley Pullos, to mention a few. I can only imagine if this was Divergent and here I am attempting to be Dauntless, do you know how many fears I would have to name and maybe that’s the rub… Motivations say that everything you want lies on the other side of FEAR, the cooler side of the pillow but dreams and nightmares:

Honestly, besides a massive case of blue balls, my definition of Hell would be writing down a list of the women I can’t have, in other words, Erotica and with everything I should be doing today, I didn’t even list my short story as a goal. My dear Lady Sophia, today’s lists have included, organizing the rugs at the day job (with my OCD), keeping track of all the presents I bought “Ho, Ho, Ho” (Language Please) and plotting the moments that will lead to my untimely destruction come Christmas Day (Indiana Gone will not be pleased with that assessment).

I look into every outcome of how I can be embarrassed, humiliated, or dead, which is one of the reasons I sleep so much, ask me what I want and I would say everything, the women I desire again I’m screwed or not, so yes I’m lazy. Aren’t I also impossible, immoral, illegal, and insane as always and I prefer Santa keep his cheeks rosy for other reasons, of course, if he were a man like me… he only works one day a year but for me, on the other hand, Purposeful Listlessness Of Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 166 ~Wills I Never Read~

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I haven’t taken time to read lately, maybe because the truth absorbs me rather than fiction, let’s be real most words nowadays… hell, I’m creative, and others are liars and my look what time it is. “Wills I Never Read” but met hmm

Friday, December 14, 2018

Episode 166 ~Wills I Never Read~

Hey Lady Sophia,
How To Make One Million Dollars is something I never read about, seriously My Lady if you want to know where such a wish came from, there was a song “If I Had A $1,000,000” one of my Motivations “What If” and today it was the time on my schedule, but wait.

I never read the receipts when I was a child, I honestly don’t remember reading about Santa Claus but both I can put on my parents; a blessing or a curse but I should be grateful, I AM, yes I AM. Until there was Sticker Shock and if I knew then Lady Sophia how much it costs to live… hell, I never read those boxes of sleeping pills or NyQuil, I never understood the fine print of The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, been there before.

Speaking of things that will get me into Hell, there wasn’t a time in school that I read about sex, I only saw a few graphic pictures, I heard words like Rape, Sin, No Means No, the thoughts in my head echoed, pervert, stalker, criminal, evil, still do sometimes. It was when I started reading when I began educating myself honestly on BDSM, SSC, RACK, Ravishment; when I learned about Hentai, Erotica, my company Second Circle Creations, when I decided to take back my name, which I still hate looking at from time to time.

Damn the numbers though, more like fuck the numbers (Captain America says “Language”) today is Friday, not Thursday and that’s part of the reason I’m irritated, irate, irrational, damn near having an anxiety attack at 6:00 in the morning. I promised myself I would get up at 4:00 “Waking Up at 4:00 AM Every Day Will Change Your Life” and at 1:00 this afternoon I have to call into the day job and if it’s not good news at 3:00 bring on the panic attack.

You see Lady Sophia these are the men I never read about, but they all exist; I complained to a math tutor that if only math was like reading and I can’t read IBC Root Beer labels without thinking about lying to my “father” about my math homework and getting smacked. I can’t read my son’s face but “B III” tells me it’s time to get up for Walkies, I can’t read the sun in the sky, and nowhere is it written to learn why I get up at all… LOVE, for him, for myself, for some girl I’m not sure may live. I’ll never read about when I may gain a pardon from the mortal coil, my bank account will never speak of freedom, my soul shall never write about happiness, but someday he’ll be here; only one more of
Wills I Never Read.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 034 ~Getting Behind The Will~

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Last week it was getting out of bed, and this week it was getting behind the wheel, and there is no time for baby steps, I’ve run like a madman for most of my life, and I would take an “ACME” rocket despite the consequences. “Getting Behind The Will”

Saturday, August 4, 2018

Episode 034 ~Getting Behind The Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
Give Me One Reason to not turn around other than my past, because to quote another song; my future is coming on, and as fast as I might run I am in no hurry to go and catch it. You know how all these motivational studies of mine talk about purpose and why, like learning how to drive I just wanted to go faster, I need to escape, if anything I want to know a place where I will never be afraid.

The thing is Lady Luna there is no such place and not to sound like Trump or anything but as long as there’s air, no wonder the man wants to destroy the planet, my aunt said I wanted the same thing, but I saw no profit in it. There are days when I think that people can be okay and days when I believe a psychopath, a plague or purge is what the doctor ordered like yesterday, Master Yoda is right. Between being in line at Starbucks, driving, and Walmart, the one thing that was constant was the fear and rage threatening to swallow me.

“Behind every fear is a person you want to be. Fear is self-imposed, meaning it doesn’t exist. You create it. You can destroy it too. You face your fears and become the person you want to be. You run from your fears; you’re not living.” Greg Plitt 1977 – 2015

What a monster I must be not to want to go forward and face myself and what a coward I am for not wanting to turn around, but this isn’t a conversation for us, “I just want to know why” as the song goes. I could go on forever and a day about fear and my rage, again driving my car or getting to the library late, anxiety and Z Nation, what was that I said about a plague? All I know was yesterday I was in my car, listening to my affirmations and somebody started honking at me and first came fear, then “GTA Motherf*****” in less than a minute and change.

I’m not selfish enough, you heard me right, my life is spent learning about everything in this world so I might survive it and I don’t know anything about the survivor, the Man In The Mirror, the man behind the wheel, or before the keyboard. There are so many mirrors in a car, and I only need to avoid one, the vanity, the rest are showing me what to evade, I drive to the library to see who I might be, the day-job to know who I hate, just saying.

You know what they have in common, they keep me from being stuck but aren’t I always, what hurts more the mirror, the reflection in my dog’s eyes knowing he feels such love (wishful thinking) I hear that man say come and Find Me. That man might Hurt Somebody, yes I know “The Darkest Minds” which was perhaps the highlight of my week, maybe one day taking a Drive won’t be an escape until then Lu, Getting Behind The Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 027 ~Tell Me Your Will~

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Heads up, it’s danger ahead, or I’m fighting back my anxiety, and before all of that I need to get out of bed, and people always said that I had a big head, because I’m so full of ideas and I have to breathe right? Tell Me Your Will

Saturday, July 28, 2018

Episode 027 ~Tell Me Your Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
Give Me One Reason to stay here, and I’ll find sixty or more reasons to get up, honestly, where has Spotify been All My Life… well at least something is getting up in the morning more often than not. I don’t remember the last time the rest of me got up and wasn’t tired, tipsy, or terrified but I had a bit of a revelation thanks to a motivational speech by Will Smith, and he said something to the tune of, the higher up you are, the harder it is to breathe.

Now for me it starts with getting out of bed, lifting my head up is hard enough, one foot in front of the other, and God help me when I have to go outside, that first breath feels like it just won’t come and more often than not I don’t want it honestly. While I’m thinking about God that’s just the thing, people downright demand those that are poor help those at the top, and at the top, if you must give, then it is God’s will but the higher you are, the fewer people above you. What about when it comes to women, confidence right, that starts with lifting your head up, keeping your chin and honestly Lady Lu it hurts, it physically hurts because I haven’t done it in such a long time.

“I’m sick of taking care of everything, paying bills, making peace and plans and keeping my chin up. God, I am so sick of my chin being up.” Angel 04×02

So yesterday I was sick of listening to people, saying I should stand shoulder to shoulder my head held high. Authors are telling me I should keep my head in their books, having to turn side to side, out of this constant fear. No more looking up to people; okay I know I look up to Will Smith, and I won’t be giving up the motivational speeches anytime soon but no more looking down on people either or letting fear take hold of me. If I am to die it will be because I’m at the top of the mountain almost out of breath than staying down here getting dizzy for want of my survival.

That sounded a bit more hopeful than I was thinking today and wasn’t it yesterday I was talking about people are always chatting no matter what but if you climb the mountain the ones I hate won’t be heard and the others, well who knows but it would be nice to see. It all starts with me and the man in the mirror that I need to face, I need to tell him what I want because nobody else is going to give it to me. “Indiana Gone” looked up and now she’s getting married so congratulations to her, but as for me and “Mr. I Don’t Feel Like It,” *sigh* Tell Me Your Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 020 ~To Defeat The Huns~

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People face many things throughout their day, but the worst one for me is people, and today I’ll have to do just that or not since I’ll have to check bathrooms and fitting rooms and it’s my business to make money. “To Defeat The Huns.”

Saturday, July 21, 2018

Episode 020 ~To Defeat The Huns~

Hey Lady Lu,

Give Me One Reason to face the Huns, and no mine name’s not Mulan, though I could certainly use her courage, training, and luck; how I ask Luck Be A Lady tonight or at least for six hours. I can’t say I’ve been one for gambling, horse racing maybe but I trust those animals more than a majority of HUMANITY, and I can give you one big reason for that Lady Lu.

… but the truth is that I dislike most men as much as I dislike women. If anything, I am an equal opportunity misanthropist.”
― Andrew Davidson, The Gargoyle (2008)

HUMILIATION Lady Lu is arguably my greatest fear, the foundation of my anxiety and you can’t call it irrational if it comes to pass as it did the last time I was assigned to “CLEAN” and I know it sounds STUPID. No it all comes down to looking so stupid, and you know how such a concept sets me off, believing, being, and saying; may God show mercy on the soul that calls me such or makes me feel it. Too bad I don’t believe in God right because I’m my own worst enemy *sigh* people have an imaginary friend they worry about but I can’t stand thinking or knowing how everyone looks at me.

HUNGER is one big motivation to face the humiliation, my dog has to eat, and if I split my paycheck by three (bills, blog, belly) last week, I made a whole five bucks and then the fact that I’m in the library nearly every day writing “trying to make something of myself. HULKING out because I lack discipline, or I’m so afraid as Yoda says, and when’s the last time I let my anger get the best of me, strange that I was ready to go off on somebody and now they’re nowhere around me. HURTING myself on the daily in one form because of everything but at least I’ve stopped popping myself with a rubber band as I was doing it so much I would more than likely decapitate my hand from my wrist.

HUMOR has not been a strong suit of mine, though being laughed at brings a HURRAH from everybody else; yes I know this is about me and I can’t help the fact that even now I want to call into work and HUSH for the rest of the day. Anything Lady Lu beats the idea of humiliation, and I’m in for a world of that and what will I do, so let’s get down to business To Defeat The Huns.

I Will Have No Fear