Tag: Dying

Gospel 220 ~Will’s Sound Of Silence~

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Is Braxton listening? How high’s the water bill just for refilling a bowl to sit there. Not wasting money on food as nobody needs to see me sobbing in the middle of Walmart. If it wasn’t for my madness, would I even speak? “Will’s Sound Of Silence.”

Saturday, February 6, 2021

Gospel 220 ~Will’s Sound Of Silence~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but not because I’m close to anything like Simon & Garfunkel. What does silence sound like?

Someone asked this on Ridiculousness. I’m surprised I remember that; it’s background noise because I’m still listening for Braxton. That’s the simplest answer I have, Lady Luna. A life with a dog and then keep living without them. Every day, keep going, on and on. Sobbing, screaming, up until the very end, I was praying. I have prayed, I mean really 3 times in my life. Only once for myself. Save him somehow, save my son, save my Braxton. Every time I left the house, I prayed continuously. Haven’t talked to God in 6 days. Seventh-day he rested if I know my Bible. Other books have become background as well without Braxton’s breaths, the beats of his heart. Even his bellyaching. Then he wasn’t eating.

Sucking up to me and dying. Showing such strength because Braxton didn’t want me to worry. I want to hear his paws on the floor again. The way he would lap up water and dive into food. Especially when he knew that there would be sharing Daddy’s sometimes. His “humpfs” Sleep came easier to the both of us. Well fuck, he protected me, and what did I do for him? I am not a liar, Lady Lu. I put him to “sleep?” No, I sleep when I can because when I wake up, I’m here without him. It’s 1 more second I have to live with what I’ve done. Murderer… say it again and again because he’s no longer here. Braxton, such was my goodness.

Sorry is all I hear now, which only makes the silence that much louder. The first day it was like the heavens opened up for my boy. Another day it was a choir. Then the “tryouts.” It’s been oh 6 days, I’m crying, my heart is cracking, breaking, shattering, yes. Selfish of me to put such suffering on others, isn’t it? I’m not blaming anyone but me. I’m the one who had to cover up his name because scammers, scum, and snakes came out of the woodwork. The one life I could turn to is the life that I ended. Braxton, I still talk to. Signs of my madness saying “Night, Night,” “Medicine Time, etc.

Because his quiet is too much. Will’s Sound of Silence.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 213 ~Will “B” Seeing You~

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Goodnight B, sweet dreams, I tell him like it’s any other night. I love you like pancakes, I say always. Now all I’m saying is “I’ll Help You” as I carry him around the house. I’m watching my son die… Will “B” Seeing You

Saturday, January 30, 2021

Gospel 213 ~Will “B” Seeing You~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I would give it all up to save him. My Dæmon, my Imp, My Prince, My Firstborn Son, little B. Some things there are no words for. I’ve listened to the vets. I have read and studied what I can in this short time, looking for answers. Not one thing helps. What I can do is watch, wait, and be willing. It’s why I’m crying now as I can’t stand to look at him like this, but I’ll be damned if I turn away. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it now “Always and Forever.” I’ve said these four words twice “My Dog Is Dying.”

It’s called Renal Failure (Kidney Failure or Disease). Excuse my ignorance on the subject, but the toxins are filling up in his body. Without his kidneys, he can no longer filter out the bad stuff. It also means he doesn’t want to take the basics, like food and water. “I’ll help you” seems as worthless as if I’d written it down. It’s actions, always actions. I carry him to the bathroom. Sometimes I’ll put him in front of his bowls and beg for him to take something, anything. I let him outside, and he tries, but there’s nothing left. Banfield is trying. I swear if I didn’t think so, I’d go all “John Q,” but what can they do now? “Not yet,” I keep repeating to myself, NOT YET. If I could give my life for his, there wouldn’t even be a question. He’s my child, and my best friend.

“Sleep,” I say, petting him again and again, holding him, keeping him next to me as I write this. Well, in-between the crying fits and Youtube. You have to let go and let God. Accept it, brother. That’s what the dude said in John Q. B sleeping, euthanasia writing The End. The Rainbow Bridge… I’ve been reading up on that too. I can’t imagine Heaven; I never planned on seeing it but for my son? I want to be where he is. He struggles to live because he still sees me. If I could tell him there was such a place if I knew I could follow? “Daddy” has never left his mouth, but that’s what I am to him. The two of us, Father and son, it’s always been.

And every minute that passes by… Will “B” Seeing You

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 101 ~Reinventing The Will SIGH~

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I suppose I should be grateful for yet another opportunity to change. As much s I would like to admit I had plans for today, cut to Pinterest and a bout of sickness. Over one and not the other. Can you guess? Reinventing The Will SIGH.

Saturday, October 10, 2020

Gospel 101 ~Reinventing The Will SIGH~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so add doctors to the list. Here I was shaking about the Coronavirus (COVID-19), but where have I spent the last few hours? Well, yeah, in bed, sleeping until 10 AM, but I should have enjoyed it. Let’s say for now God bless Sprite, which I always keep on hand. How sick was I? It all started when I took a little trip down to Pinterest way. A new email, a new Pinterest home, and the same mistakes. The only thing that keeps me 100% fearful is my “father.” He was doing a favor, killing me.

Woah! I hear you, Lady Lu, and I’m not getting into any Halloween celebrations quite yet. What I mean is, as the song goes, you “Make Me Wanna Die.” I’m not suicidal, but back then, every single time, it was because of him. Didn’t want his progeny living in fear. Speaking of which, before I screwed up this afternoon, I was running away from my phone. Now of all the terrors it holds, friendship shouldn’t be one. Oh baby, I love you, just leave me the (blank) alone. I swear with such and such texting me I’ll write a book. Only my stomach knew I had no such designs, and when I know I’m doing something wrong, it’s all “Down With The Sickness.” I swear I felt like crying, and I’ve been getting many of these days over and over.

My dreams aren’t exactly helping. I told M Anime that they serve as messages. So my “father” a million texts, and an upset stomach, but now visions. Yes, Lady Lu, I still see myself as a young man. Well, me and My Dæmon wise. Even he was worried about me. Anyway, while dreaming, I saw a Latino man sliding down a slip n’ slide or a waterslide. Trash was on both sides, and he was scared, but he kept sliding without any real control. Hell, I wish I could tell you more, but again I’m trying to be good. So why am I on Pinterest? I see the signs. And not only in my head Lady Lu. I’m wasting too much time on nothing. You know, maybe that’s it, something fun, but it’s all garbage. What about the character, hmm?

As always, I have to be better, but again I’m trying. Reinventing The Will SIGH

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 094 ~Dying For The Will~

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I would kill for a nap right now, but why not for money, is that any better? At least when I’m sleeping, no one is being hurt fictionally or factually but didn’t my son wake me up yesterday. His heart problems… “Dying For The Will, where’s my heart?”

Saturday, October 3, 2020

Gospel 094 ~Dying For The Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and yet have no one to leave my fortune to. If I had the money, somewhere on the list would be how to make dogs live longer. Yesterday I brought up that the Dæmon and I had a bit of a scare. My son’s heart was working too hard, and my heart? It seems only when it’s breaking, is when I realize I have one at all. Every other time well… as you know, I commit many a sin, most based on FEAR. While not one of the seven deadly or nine circles a crime. But today, let’s talk about SLOTH.

THEY say it’s the most difficult sin to define, and like any disease it is, will or has killed me. Hell, if this was the Day Job we were talking about, I wouldn’t be complaining. Don’t I love writing? Wasn’t I almost on time today, 4:15 AM? Get up at 4:00 AM, 3:00 if ET. Dearest Lu, I don’t mean to be so down today. I’m a black man living in America. Even when we’re up, we’re down for the struggle, praying, or living the dream. I guess all those typing lessons in school didn’t take as I watch my fingers flying and son napping. However, I always know that I can do so much better for him. For us, but I might die right here on this couch someday because I neither want to do or try. Why is it every day I sound more like a Republican, but then again, I want to vote. Let’s say I’m inspired.

To what, help my country and indeed the world. Didn’t I talk about wearing masks and how I didn’t want anyone to die? If anything, I like the apocalyptic aesthetic. Well, it turns out that was false hmm as I watch people celebrate (you know who) get carted off for treatment. Only there’s no antidote for laziness, for Sloth. I wonder why are conversations take so long, Lady Luna, and it’s because I want everything to be perfect… Now again, isn’t that one more lie? My fingers and tongue have all the energy in the world to make up excuses. Of course, if this was the Day Job? Now that’s something I don’t want to lose. Yet here I am sitting, writing, I love it but Dying For The Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Looking Dim

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A month or so before a bad day, I know bad days are coming and I didn’t really want to say it back then or now; let’s just say it was like graduating high school, had nothing to do with me. Looking Dim, because the future wasn’t all that bright.

Aging in the black
Yet the light grows brighter
For life, I have no knack
My heart grew no lighter
The deck is stacked

So blow them out
So many candles
No name now
My vandals

A moment eyes closed
But their lips are wide
Think I don’t know
Teeth, fangs, and knives
I hope they choke

So knock them out
Feast of flesh
Smacking so loud
Why aren’t I dead yet

The dark sky
Shows all its victims
And who am I
But a cell in the system
No goodbye

So don’t look up
Can’t help but feel envy
I was never enough
Abomination, God murder me

Would you take my picture?
Make me famous
These vultures much richer
How I hope it’s painless
Suicide’s the pitcher

So don’t be in pictures
But the world will know
Maybe an itchy trigger finger
On with the show

Smoke and fire
Beats breathing
This light my desire
I should be leaving
Still, I won’t be admired

So don’t die
Rage, rage
Against the dying of the light
That you made

As you closed your eyes
The Abomination
Yet you wonder why
I chose such a sin
Finally in the light
That’s looking dim

Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.