Tag: Fear

Consider It A Wind

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There are so many storms in life and I take my shelter upon the page but yet some storms are stronger than others and it helps to remind myself to be grateful for some things. Consider It A Wind, words can be so much stronger than any hurricane.

When it’s not rumor or speculation a blend
of lies, cult fiction, the insane
that happens to be the norm.

Or that chill that leaves you deformed
and shows how your backbone has thinned
but you are not lame.

In fact, you eat and claim
plenty, while the food is warm
as you tell a few or your best friend

You can’t wait till your name ascends
into the spotlight, pages heights, and some librarian to blame
because your book transformed

a woman into literature, from perfect to misinformed
to lost and torn, a dream of sin
only every day is exactly the same

Even if your name is mud, you’re scared or in pain
ashamed, name on a blog, but not on a news crawl, saying the storm,
hurricane, death toll, no I’m back again

“Considering It A Wind”, and it will be a win
Really, when I forget your so vain
your every loving name; for a new obsession, I just printed the forms.

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Yes My Ear

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You never see the monster until there’s time to make the trip to that upper room but then again I’m probably going to Hell as often as I keep my head down. Yes My Ear, someone told me to play it by ear because to see what’s coming

I’m “Alive”!
Black or white, in living color, “Live!”
or so the heart appears
in the eyes, on the touch, in the beat of another
Always undercover
Ashamed, it remains unclear

if I am running or hiding
Do I have what it takes to keep surviving
Yes, my feet persevere
Only I can’t look down, I won’t look back
Because I don’t know if I could handle that
Whenever people come near

Am I a sheep
a lion, who’s roar I must keep
like any secret near and dear
Better to be a live chicken than a dead duck
Wanting to scream… what today I’m out of luck
as the fear

makes me into a Mime
I look at my watch thinking it’s time
To have a voice, like Shaka Zulu and his spear
So I have but a pen
with but to write every virtue and every sin
words that won’t disappear

Though if I were to write the future
there would be fewer
bombs, “Hurricanes”, Kamikazes here
And of Rocket 69?
Well I’m not blind
Suppose I should cheer

the fact I have not seen Elysium
entered Heaven at a premium
Oh to be like Katniss and volunteer
My tribute to courage, to live brave and best
Just say yes
Play it by ear

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

 

Lesson 067 ~Take the Cake Please~

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It feels like I have already had a whole cake to myself, cheesecake maybe, but I’m going to be full of so many things tomorrow but I must stand strong, or rather lie in my bed, but this will be no walk in the park. Take the Cake Please

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Lesson 067 ~Take the Cake Please~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, tomorrow will be a piece a cake, I keep telling myself that, a piece of cake, I wonder what great man upon facing the day that would define them figured that it would be a piece of cake. Sometimes I feel as though I have faced that day, others I truly hope not, and then I wonder why such a day exist, I feel you know what I’m talking about.

“Selling a gun for the first time is a lot like having sex for the first time. You’re excited but you don’t really know what the hell you’re doing. And some way, one way or another, it’s over too fast.” Yuri Orlov, Lord of War

Why sell guns my beautiful Lu (you see I gave you your form back) world’s gonna end one way or another, too bad it won’t be tomorrow but anyway, first I sell something worse than guns and second why must such and such a day be the day that defines me? When I was thinking about what I would want my name on, the cake did not come up, marquee, bestseller list, hell I might even prefer a headstone, no actually burn me and scatter me somewhere, haven’t thought of it yet. Haven’t thought of a lot actually considering everything I need to get done, everything that is coming up, not a piece of cake.

“Stay here.

Yeah right! Eat me, said the cake to Alice!” Stephen King’s Desperation (2006)

How about as easy as pie… can’t say I have a thing for pie either, I did like pumpkin pie once upon a time, and blueberry pie sounds yummy but I can’t say I have much of an appetite; this morning’s breakfast is like a stone. My mom never told me there’d be days like this, but she’s no prophet of course but if she had been I imagine I wouldn’t be in this mess at the moment, then again God fearing woman that she is… There is also the fact that when I know something like this is coming, I feel physically ill anyway, but already asked “Gospel Girl” about pizza, who says no to pizza right, but again who says no to cake and ice cream as well.

There are just too many things I can say about cake, for example, I always pictured myself as one of those men who just want to watch the world burn, and not be surrounded by a bunch of people singing, not that I’m worried about that happening, these days right. So what have we learned, well I think cupcakes are delicious and I wish I could remember what buttercream actually was but these days Luna, seriously Take the Cake Please?

“Piece of cake! Piece of cake!

Piece of cake!” – the movie Battlefield Earth (2000)

I Will Have No Fear

Bravely Lit

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It’s getting around that time and I’m sure I have my picture, my name, hell probably a police file, I can pretty much guarantee my name is in lights and will be but not in any flattering away and I am always chasing the light aren’t I. “Bravely Lit”.

Don’t sing, don’t wish, don’t say
because I have, on all the stars
but they still seem so far
and the cake is melting.
Were you trying to compete with the sun
I’m on the run

fam with every reason to stay
and that’s why I get high.
Those neon lights are in my sight,
only I want “Easy Street”
where I spread my love and fly
to know that I’m alive

I’ll make some days, always
From “how does that look daddy”
I’ll sing let’s see
while the police fingerprint me
I won’t lie about this
No not to my kids

when under fluorescent lights I’ll lay
with doctor’s asking what’s my age again.
The lights from where I been
don’t follow me six feet
So today, teach me to be brave
blow out the candles, a few more to the grave

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 065 ~Give Up, Get Off~

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Well, why do men do most things, take a chest full of gold, world domination, for me you could put Jennifer Lawrence at the finish line… though I would take all three honestly. Give Up, Get Off, I’ve done one and I am trying not to do the other

Monday, September 4, 2017

Lesson 065 ~Give Up, Get Off~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear… no shame, no pride, no real movement but there is a belief, there is faith, suppose I see why the Christians do it, though it’s a lot easier when you’re not threatened. Don’t worry, I’m not about to go on some political tirade or talk about such and such from Columbine, today’s lesson is about giving up, and getting off.

“Sometimes, when you win, you lose.
Sometimes when you lose, you win.” – Annie Nielsen, What Dreams May Come (1998)

Biology maybe, not just these lustful urges but how I have given up so many things in my life and I’m sure I could come up with a million at excuses, and while I may be somewhat of a pop culture whore, YOLO. You only live once isn’t that what they all say and even if I do something those million times out of pleasure (don’t flatter myself right) what is so wrong with feeling good for a while? Especially when it helps with the thinking process, so maybe tomorrow my world will be looking a lot better or so I am trying, and I should be grateful, I am.

“First you have to give up, first you have to *know*… not fear… *know*… that someday you’re gonna die.” – Tyler Durden, Fight Club (1999)

The choices that people have to make every day and for the most part I dealing with only first world problems and the devil’s luck. You know how I have been trying to talk more my lady but what if I had yesterday; what was I supposed to say to the cashier “excuse me but you gave me too much money” I made nearly a hundred bucks for keeping my mouth shut, perhaps that was karma for helping out a friend. I’m no millionaire like Joel Osteen but I actually felt pretty bad when I wouldn’t even donate a dollar to the Hurricane Harvey Relief, probably shouldn’t have said that.

If anything that brings up another interesting point, not a day goes by when I’m not flooded with petitions, causes I believe in, authors asking for my opinion after reading some of my reviews, the list goes on. Have I ever said I wanted to save the world, I know I probably have said I’m more the villain but does it make you the villain to know you can’t save everyone, maybe just don’t look?

“It’s the worst. It ain’t fair, but you can’t kill yourself. Sometimes you’ve just got to let go and let God take care of it. You’ve got to accept it.” – Lester, John Q (2002)

 

What have we learned today, I might get off but I haven’t given up, I’m grateful to be me and not them strangely enough and before you label me a complete louse I put up my money to save three and I think that should be enough for now I think; Give Up, Get Off.

“I came here to save my wife and my two children and… seven billion lives… it’s too much. I just hope I’m, I’m smart enough and brave enough to save three.” Serge Leveque, The Core

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 061 ~How to Say ‘Anything’~

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Not so much a goodbye, more a see you later, because I’m looking forward to the new world and the commute is killing me, what I have a lot to say to make believe people but I need more. How to Say Anything like what I want to say even if it’s fiction

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Lesson 061 ~How to Say ‘Anything’~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear and no more long talks, I’m sure you can use the break and so can I, of course, I’ll spare you the platitudes as if I had any to offer, it’s not you, it’s me or something like that. I can’t say I have much experience in this area, what breaking up, no talking in general which is what this lesson should be about instead of one long goodbye letter.

Not that this is goodbye at all, I’m not leaving you high and dry, but it probably sucks to say I’m expanding my horizons and I don’t expect to pull a “Lily Aldrin” I intend to stick with writing, here we are at 61 days and counting. If I could write one poem a day for a year then I should be able to do this you would think and I still have my novel that is sorely in need of editing. Tomorrow begins the time of “Sapphire” which seems prudent to begin my new path, my new course of action and I will be sharing that with you obviously.

“Learn to value yourself, which means: fight for your happiness.”
― Ayn Rand (1905 – 1982)

The thing is while I’m damn near an expert on what not to say, which is why I prefer silence, I’m not exactly sure how to say what I need to say, other than just to just write and even then? For the record, keeping with the “How I Met Your Mother” motif, I’ve been thinking about pulling a “Tony Grafanello”, you know when he wrote “The Wedding Bride” but wouldn’t that be revisionist history? I told you about The O.C. that fictional book “A Season for Peaches”, I’ve been down that road before and I wouldn’t give anyone the satisfaction of that endeavor, probably.

So I tell you goodbye to long talk, the gist for today but what else is there to say, even if most days I’m just a big box of gibberish. That’s not going to change tomorrow, now it will just be some more fictional gibberish maybe, at least creatively speaking.

“I… I promised a friend I would say hello to you today.

Please say hello to me.

Please say hello to me.” I Am Legend

Honesty has never been the best policy; I mean unless we’re children because children are gifted fearlessness but adults, I was just telling a friend that suddenly people want to get to know me, spooky? Take the movie “The Invention of Lying”, maybe I should lay off the pop culture but that’s just my point, why can’t I just say what needs to be said truthfully.

“I give the truth, scope!” – A Knight’s Tale (2001)

The truth is the straight and narrow path, as straight as any line I dare to come up with, and maybe that’s telling, most of my titles are four words, my rules are five, or maybe I’m reading too much into this. How about the idea that I’m not a caveman, one of my rules but then again, it was the cavemen that got us to this point wasn’t it? You can also say people are always talking about action over words but some words lead many to “regrettable” actions.

Honestly, though I feel good about taking my writing so seriously, even if I am just talking to myself, just this morning I was thinking about my novellas, short stories, whatever they’re going to be, my novel, and I even want to participate in NaNoWriMo this year. Of course, those are just words I need to act and I will at least with my blog, even now I’m excited but also nervous hoping I can keep this promise to myself to actually do something. How to make a promise, now that is something I should learn how to do, I mean years ago it was just, another and another poem, and I committed without saying anything at all really.

Maybe I should look at it, as being a child again, you want the truth, yeah I snitched on some guys today and why did I do that, there was nothing in it for me. I know something you don’t know, isn’t that just like up in this day and age, we all want to tell what we know, to explore, to discover, that hasn’t changed “An Undiscovered Me” right.

“There’s nothing as pure and as cruel as a child.” Cowboy Bebop, Pierrot le Fou

So back to the lesson how to say anything, okay you want to know how to make friends, at least if you’re me that is, this is how it goes.

Don’t say anything, people fear the quiet the way I fear noise so they will do anything to fill it and by remaining silent, you can make them do all the work, part of the reason I snitched today, but that was actually me working and them talking so there’s that. If you give people a word they will jump on it like a starving dog, but what they’re really feasting on is you so make sure to get plenty of bed rest. Also, keep in mind to let them form their own opinions of you, never speak your mind, friend to pervert in 60 Days or Less, book idea…

“Go for it” “You can do it”? That’s not inspirational, that’s suicidal. If pickles goes for it right there, that’s a dead cat. These are lies. We’re liars. Think about it. Why do people buy these things? It’s not ’cause they wanna say how they feel. People buy cards ’cause they can’t say how they feel or they’re afraid to. We provide the service that lets them off the hook. You know what? I say to hell with it. Let’s level with America. At least let them speak for themselves! Right? I mean, look! What-What is this? What does it say? “Congratulations on your new baby.” Right? How ’bout, “Congratulations on your new baby. Guess that’s it for hanging out. Nice knowing you.”

Sit down, Hansen.

How about this one, with all the pretty hearts on the front? I think I know where this one’s going. Yep! “Happy Valentines Day, sweetheart. I love you.” That sweet? Ain’t love grand? This is exactly what I’m talking about. What does that even mean, “love”? Do you know? Do you? Anybody?

Tom…

If somebody gave me this card, Mr. Vance, I would eat it. It’s these cards, and the movies and the pop songs, they’re to blame for all the lies and the heartache, everything. We’re responsible. *I’m responsible.* I think we do a bad thing here. People should be able to say how they feel, how they really feel, not you know, some words that some stranger put in their mouths. Words like “love”… that don’t mean anything. Sorry, I’m sorry. I, uh… I quit. I’m… There’s enough bullshit in the world without my help.” – from 500 Days of Summer (2009)

One of these days I have to learn how not to apologize, yes this makes me a hypocrite better forgiveness than permission but even now I still feel that twinge, stuff that I feel guilty for, regret, stuff that isn’t my fault etc. Maybe I could just stop doing wrong but who am I “Dante” strange I could be perfectly find hiding in my room not saying anything and I would never do anything wrong and still wind up going to Hell isn’t that right?

I say I love you to Braxton and I prove it, I say I love myself by trying to make things better rather than just surviving, I sound like one of those people that will be repeating that in the mirror. If I need three little words learn how to say I am brave, I am worthy, I am needed, I am here, I am alive, I’m still breathing, and a few choice words from my novel as well. I haven’t given up trying to learn how to talk to people, I’m still trying every day, though, for the most part, I need to relax.

“Thou art courageous.” The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

So what have we learned today Lady Lu, other than I’m not good at good byes and that tomorrow will be a new world, I think it’s time to time to learn, and maybe I’ll know “How to Say Anything”.

I Will Have No Fear
“Cause you wanted more
More than I could give
More than I could handle
In a life that I can’t live
You wanted more
More than I could bear
More than I could offer” Tonic

400 Words from here on Lady Lu, Good Bye Friend

Lesson 060 ~My Work Release Program~

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This is not a test but it’s also not an emergency either, however, I did have a bit of a release today a sigh of relief as of sorts but who knows what tomorrow may bring, the days of Sapphire. “My Work Release Program” no life should be a prison

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Lesson 060 ~My Work Release Program~

“You know the funny thing about morphin’? You don’t appreciate it till you can’t do it anymore!” – Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie (1995)

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear and I never thought I’d say this but work was actually liberating today and no I don’t mean my dream job but the day job for once. Of course writing is a sense of freedom which is what I told “Okay” though to be honest I’ve been terrified, still am in a way but how many times have I quoted Cypher Raige, to you Luna.

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity Kitai. Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice. We are all telling ourselves a story and that day mine changed.” Cypher Raige, After Earth (2013)

Work is Hell but when it’s all you know… am I grateful, money, security, indeed life as I know it, maybe it makes sense to keep my mouth shut you know? I said once it wasn’t fear that was holding me back but maybe common sense, and I don’t know where I’d be without it, embracing a fear to actually combat a danger that is quite real. My father is that danger and while I hope one day to be fearless and face that danger, I will stick with freedom.

This type of freedom at least, where would I be without it… well, it’s been sixty days since this new beginning, truth be told I wish I had kept my mouth shut, and in the days to come, I will. No, I’m not abandoning you again Luna but I’m onto bigger things, not necessarily better but bigger, if I’m ever going to get anywhere in this life. When I’m talking to you or truly writing, I don’t know whether I’m signing my own death sentence or this is truly my liberation, it could always be one in the same right?

Anyway, this is today’s lesson, work, and release; isn’t that the dominant way, you’re given power for that gift you give something in return and then let go of everything and you and yours are much better off. Maybe you just throw yourself in prison willing only to be released and what happens to most after they released, they wind up going back, easily enough.

“Thank you, but I prefer it my way.” Andre Baptiste Sr., Lord of War (2005)

Sometimes you hang on to something so long, you forget how liberating it can be to just let go, if anything it depends on the thing but I got a lesson in that today, not to mention I’m getting older. My mom would tell me I have a tendency to take my “grievances” out on those who never erred, and I agree to a certain extent, that’s not right but we talked about the experience.

For example, I was so angry with someone today, maybe I was just tired and hot, and hell I’ve been on edge as of late. So anyway I’m leaving, and just sitting in my car and this person says I dropped my shirt, seriously that was it, I said thank you, went and retrieved my shirt from the street and all my anger just left, okay I was cooling and resting but environment considered, I made the choice to let my anger go. Why was it so easy, time heals all wounds… ten minutes sheesh, that’s like a record for me, and the world didn’t end, of course, there is always tomorrow, the day after?

“Oh, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at its zenith when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us.” – Ralphie

That’s the problem isn’t it, the moment you let go, the moment you think the lion sleeps is when you become grade A beef. Talk about having some beef right, but if it helps any wasn’t Facebook started because a guy had a grudge and why do you think so many horror movies are just monsters with axes to grind or trying to live again? How would it feel if everyone just let all that “energy” go, why do you think that society spends so much trying to numb us?

We are given the energy to work, and when we’re finished, whatever lives inside of us, I don’t know, but as they say, hearts were given cages for a reason, and brains are surrounded by white walls. I don’t think I’m alone in my reasoning but that’s part of the reason I’m here talking to you because what people think.

Anyway I am breathing a bit easier, can’t get soft though, can’t think everything is okay and at the moment the tea is helping, I’m becoming a big tea drinker now. This is yet another one of those times though I wish I could be a typical guy, sports, drinking, women, yet another reason I’m a writer… seriously am I even starting to write all these reasons down at all.

As I said I’m getting older but not much has changed, when I was back in school, I’d do whatever, then come back and just pass out, sleep has always been my number one go to, except for “Senseless” but that only lasted a day. What would it truly be like to just let go of everything, sleep just puts it on the backburner and here’s another thing if I let it go today it will still be there tomorrow because people are people. Maybe it’s not so much me letting go than being Atlas and the world just keeps getting bigger and bigger and when you drop it, the consequences, how to cope 101.

A prisoner is released and finds that there is no longer a place for him, not trying to sound like those late night/early morning commercials but men can no longer be men, same with women, the whole human race. The Purge doesn’t say be human it says to “release the beast”, now, of course, I’m not a villain but look at the violence, look at other methods we have to be… I don’t know to make us what passes for normal. Then we have my writing, my conversations with you that have led to everything else, so you say “I hope you feel cleansed” and do I feel that honestly?

If we’ve learned anything, after this, I’m usually tired, I feel drained and we go on to the next day, sometimes better, sometimes worse, I wish there was a better release but again I am not the typical guy. I’m just me, my life today, wish I could have done better, these papers won’t be so long after tomorrow I’m on My Work Release Program.

I Will Have No Fear

Family Portrait

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Fortunately, I never truly talk to my family, even better there is only my dog and me, being somebody’s husband… or having kids with two legs instead of four? Family Portrait, but it’s getting sort of crowded in here I think.

Okay so I’m my own secret society
before her, before them, before him
but my dog is my best friend
Cause he doesn’t need an answer or three
as I’m trying to be husband, daddy, what’s the matter
with me and it just makes me sadder
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see, my expression
“I’m fine” the words squeak out
Some father, some spouse, more house

Only if I could afford it, show some propriety
Most people count their money
I count at the door, the tiles on the floor, who’s laughing at me
Can I have a moment of peace
When everything is five by five
Working I strive
Decide then I will feel alive, an obsession
maybe I’m normal, human, an ordinary human, my girl
says there is more to this world

Oh if I could only see it, such variety
Still, the ground looks the same
Sad tears, painful, I’m sure they think I’m insane
Clowns can be sad, especially, when they believe
that’s not their true
calling, so who are you
Did I give you the impression
perhaps I cared in the first place.
I need more space

One man and his anxiety
and still, I wonder why I can’t breathe
Counting seats for my O.C.D.
my dog, me and the
disease known as Depression

Now Say Cheese

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

 

 

Lesson 059 ~How to Measure Someday~

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Why someday and not today, all I can promise is soon, how long did it take to write the greatest novels, to build Rome, or for one to know themselves, hell is anybody waiting for me? How to Measure Someday

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Lesson 059 ~How to Measure Someday~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear… are we there yet, how about now, maybe, possibly; anyway this is the rule I am constantly breaking, rule 001 “I Will Have No Fear” and even now I’m tempted to say someday I won’t be afraid only I might as well say never. Today’s lesson is based on another rule “Someday Is Not a Measurement” so the question becomes how do I measure progress, success, where I’m going today.

I will say there were more peaceful days when I was doing my impression of Tom Sawyer, just sitting on a rock, basking in the sun, writing, it’s always easier when you start out. From there it was locking myself in my room, just sitting in bed, to now, I’m actually typing at my makeshift desk because I intend to make something of myself. One day, not someday but one day I intend to be sitting in Books-A-Million or Target, doing book signings, a return to paper and pen, though there is nothing wrong with Kindle or any other E-Readers.

Someday
When my life has passed me by
I’ll lay around and wonder why you were always there for me
One way
In the eyes of a passerby
I’ll look around for another try
And fade away – Sugar Ray, Someday

Once upon a time, I thought about wartime journalism, for the life of me I can’t imagine why, Jake Sisko or Joseph L. Galloway, even back then I didn’t want to hurt anybody but I felt I could show the world. Sad to say I just found words to be my weapon of choice, you know the pen is mightier than the sword… and then I found blogging, lost it and what about now? I propose to be a novelist, how many things have I already written, how many will I write, one-day m novels will be everywhere, “write where they will see”, yes my lady that’s another new rule.

“Can’t take no pictures lying down there, sonny. Down, right there.

I’m a noncombatant, sir.

Ain’t no such thing today, boy.” We Were Soldiers (2002)

This is why writing is so exhausting for me, it’s strapping up, it’s preparing for a war and I’m looking forward to peace, once there once was, and then women happened. Anxiety is a bitch but not the women I associate with… usually; if a dog is a blank check for love a woman is a wellspring of inspiration indeed.

Speaking of women, a man can tell a lot about himself by the women he does associate himself with, by the women in his world, and the women he creates worlds for; what exactly does that mean for this man.

“A man’s strength can be measured by his appetites. Indeed, a man’s strength *flows* from his appetites.” Enter The Dragon

So yes I was but a boy when I discovered Hentai, the earliest I can remember is “Ayeka Masaki Jurai” (Princess Ayeka), again I can’t tell you why but something about her just spoke to me and someday didn’t exist. Well, I take that back, one day I was going to buy every hentai under the sun… okay steal maybe but I was quickly thinking about all the things I would do for a woman. On that note, as actual women are concerned she has to be into hentai, a woman you can watch anything with is surely a must.

As I moved onto real women and I was one for courtly love, now in this area I truly need to take a step back unless I want to start writing so other guys can get laid. One day that was going to be me but honestly the sweetest words… not to mention the angriest words; can I go a day without feeling like Trump, “Fake News” and something I said being taken out of context, let’s stay up Luna.

When I think about the novel I finished writing, see that makes me laugh at one girl’s vanity, I literally created a harem of fictional girls and the things I did to them just wrong in every sense of the word. Anyway, my point is I went from hentai to real girls which were not at all fun, to now, I think I offended another friend yesterday but she’s a good friend. One day is actually starting to sound like someday but anyway, I will share with you my type, when I’m feeling bolder some.

“It’s not my place to ask. I believe in something greater than myself. A better world. A world without sin.

So me and mine gotta lay down and die… so you can live in your better world?

I’m not going to live there. There’s no place for me there… any more than there is for you. Malcolm… I’m a monster. What I do is evil. I have no illusions about it, but it must be done.” – from Serenity (2005)

 

 

Manhood is a constant evolution, the problem is learning, rejection, humiliation, success that’s why I have to keep moving forward.

There was a time when I was all sunshine and lollipops and I wonder what the someday was then, it was never chains and whips excite me but they do.

I thought my story of turkeys taking over the world would be a bestseller at one point and I threw it all away because it didn’t mean any standards, namely my own. I wrote several other books but nothing that was ever… seriously I don’t have the words but I was actually paid for my work. If you want to know my biggest someday it will be publishing that one-hundred and twenty-thousand-word novel just sitting here waiting for me Luna.

It would certainly be better than counting the days of no apologies or being caught up in someone else’s madness and adopting it as my own. How about someday I won’t be preparing arguments for my defense, or ways to beg and plead my way out of something; that day still has yet to arrive.

Someday it won’t be opening up a vein and letting the contents spill onto the page, I still have that tick of shaking my head to dislodge so many bad memories. I know I’ll be better when I’m like E.L. James, talk all the shit you want about “Fifty Shades of Grey” fifty million copies, let’s say four bucks a pop, two hundred million, I would write whatever I want to write. Speaking of which that is the dream, not just in print but in my own voice, to not be afraid to say whatever I want, the things I’m actually holding back Lady Lu.

The thing is my name is already out there, and I think is it the people who love you or the people who hate you is How to Measure Someday.

“Let’s take what we have while we live. I have never had so much as now. All my life I’ve been alone. Many times I’ve faced my death with no one to know. I would look into the huts and the tents of others in the coldest dark and I would see figures holding each other in the night. And I always passed by. You and I, we have warmth. That’s so hard to find in this world. Please. Let someone else pass by in the night. Let us take the world by the throat and make it give us what we desire.” – Valeria, from Conan the Barbarian (1982)

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 058 ~To Be Counted On~

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Counting the days until, such and such a day because I think I’m someday is not a measurement, at least not a good one, maybe I should try for something sooner. “To Be Counted On”, and I mean more than on my fingers and toes I suppose.

Monday, August 28, 2017

Lesson 058 ~To Be Counted On~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear but why aren’t we counting the number of times I’ve said that why aren’t we counting how many rules it’s going to take for the new me, why aren’t we counting the days I can stay upbeat. How about we count the number of missed opportunities, well not really missed perhaps but one friend told me today that I wasn’t in a talkative mood… me.

I’m actually a bit too lazy to go back and count, okay maybe a little frightened, I’m still positive you know “Easy Street” but for the most part I have been counting anything to take me away from, that day, and for once I’m not talking about “Sapphire”, we’ll get to that. So far I have around Sixty-Four rules, and I actually have a plan to have three hundred and sixty-five, which I will later condense into something more manageable. If I was still depressed Lady Lu, we’d be talking in bed but I’m actually dressed, being productive, not so much for society but for myself, as I was telling my friend today, I don’t remember happy but I’m okay and even that’s a guess.

I heard once that idle hands are the devil’s playthings but that also goes to the mind, you remember that lady in the parking lot, was I working as hard then, I have to keep my mind occupied at all times it seems. This is probably what “Okay” was talking about that I wasn’t okay though she surprised me a bit noticing I was a completely different person, there was no drive, my biology was to be damned, and I kept my distance. I did confess to her which is why I’m fighting to keep the power of positivity; four words “Don’t Worry Be Happy”.

Have you noticed that I tend to keep our conversations to four-word titles and my rules to five words, seriously where do I get these numbers for things? Only one number matters at all in this age and that is NUMBER ONE, which explains how I got into this mess, to be ahead of somebody.

“What do you mean, “fuck this Employee of the Month shit”, man? When there’s some shit to be won, Goddamnit, I want it. I don’t give a fuck what it is. Y’know what I’m talkin’ about? I take no prisoners. I go hard doing this shit. Big dog. Big nuts. When names are on a mother-fuckin’ board I want to see my name at the top of that motherfucker and next to it, it needs to say “Winner”.” Lamar Davis

This, of course, brings us to the days counting down to Sapphire, I wonder are we as human beings conditioned to anticipate that day, I have all sorts of feelings. I know I keep saying Sapphire instead of the day… okay, that clears things up and did you know there are no good strip clubs around these parts, that’s sad.
“For you, the day Bison graced your village was the most important day of your life. But for me, it was Tuesday.” Street Fighter (1994)

I’ve been counting the things in my Amazon Wish List, when I’m not quoting the company line “Impossible, Immoral, Illegal, Insane”, let’s add one more I, “Inane” at least to some people, to me, I’m just greedy. How about being pricey, as the song goes… if I were a rich man, besides the “M Anime” says I’m hard to shop for, when did I grow to become so complicated? As far as friends go, I might have a handle on two “Indiana Gone” and “Gospel Girl” which in truth means I’m still doing well, two girls last year so I should call this a win, no not like that Lu.

“What would you do if you had a million dollars?

I’ll tell you what I’d do, man: two chicks at the same time, man.

That’s it? If you had a million dollars, you’d do two chicks at the same time?

Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; ’cause chicks dig dudes with money.

Well, not all chicks.

Well, the type of chicks that’d double up on a dude like me do.

Good point.

Well, what about you now? What would you do?

Besides two chicks at the same time?” – from Office Space (1999)

So besides counting a lack of options on strip clubs, I could go so many places but I have no clue what so ever, maybe I should count them. Maybe I should count the numbers of years I’ve been hanging around but can I trust you with that information… secrets are lies but this is not a secret, necessarily. M Anime got me fired up about food but maybe that’s just because I’m hungry, again I need to keep my hands and my mind full, why not add my stomach.

Didn’t I talk about a blank check the other day, besides avoiding you I’ve been counting up my emails and doing the PCH lotto, now this is easy enough to say, I hate math? I hate having so many options only to make excuses as to why I can’t have what I want, you know “Someday Is Not a Measurement.

 

“I don’t have O.C.D.

I had it when I was a kid,
but I haven’t done that in years.

You were just doing it.
When you walk slow like that.

What are you doing?
Are you counting?” – Elektra (2005)

Speaking of yet another rule how about habits, what about movies, or anything else I have to fill my mind with, I can’t tell you how many arguments I’ve had with fictional characters. Strangely enough being as crazy as I am, I’m a man that can be counted on to a certain degree, haven’t missed a day with you except for those years of hiatus.

Right now I’m 3×5, when I leave the house I push the door five times in circuits of three to make sure Braxton is safe, same with my lock I turn the lock three times, with each I tug five, I wash Braxton’s water bowl three times before filling it and take him outside on a multiple of five, talk about O.C.D. To keep my positive attitude, whenever I feel the darkness I play a movie in my head, I tell myself game info, I work on lists, to keep it all at bay. Just like my words I try for a multiple of five or ten, I know it sounds loony but while people believe I’m obsessing over them I’m maintaining my own life.

“Don’t count the days, make the days count.” Muhammad Ali

I’m glad I have lost count of so many things that have been bad and no I don’t count every single breath, except for Braxton’s every now and again, vet’s orders with his condition. As far as the days I’m counting, Sapphire, fun time, and Okay told me not to worry about any trouble, I feel bad for her, I don’t know how she does it but she knows I’m a man that she can count on, I don’t abandon friends. I’m counting down the time to the end of this conversation Luna, not in a bad way but because I’m counting the time, the pages, so many other things.

So what have we learned besides, I count as to avoid becoming just another number and that I may have replaced depression with O.C.D. or I’m just giving into the O.C.D. more? Zero to hero Lady Lu, I want to make it out of this worry, I want to forget how To Be Counted On.

I Will Have No Fear