Tag: Fear

Will Known

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Something I’m going to regret, not today, hopefully not tomorrow, but for now as they sing fifteen percent concentrated power of Will, though I’m firing on all cylinders now. Will Known, who knows but someday maybe, and no I don’t mean never heh

How can you define Will?
Not in the words of a dead man
Have you bothered to check?
Could you possibly, listen, listen, hear, and understand
this secret I spill

What, “I’m Alive”, Will,
before the faces of a billion men
some wrong women I suspect,
to my virtues and vices, regrets and sins
I’ll scream it until

who I am and choose to be is Will
like Will Smith Will Schuester, Will Parry
do they expect
I can be like them, then it’s not so scary
until I thrill

when adversity threatens, my force of Will
more effective than an AK, hotter than a Molotov cocktail
let me direct
World War Three on Pay TV, a script to Hell
Maybe I can pay the bills

where Batman does but sign my checks Will
with my potential, my future, like any superhero
God knows I’m not perfect
I’m only human don’t you know…
No, then I have something to fulfill

Why promise anyone but Will
Free Will, Iron Will, even if I’m the one to blame
There will be some respect
People will remember the name
Yes I’m gonna make it, yes I Will

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 055 ~Don’t Think of Elephants~

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Why isn’t the elephant, king of the jungle, at this rate, I might as well become one of those people that collect cats but as always I prefer my dog if anything he knows when to shut up? Don’t Think of Elephants, how about a mouse

Friday, August 25, 2017

Lesson 055 ~Don’t Think of Elephants~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear but more depression, I’m trying honestly I am and some moments I can zone out completely and forget and others… not to piss off the religious but my head burns so much I feel like I’m wearing a thorny crown. I should also mention I’m not breaking my rule of “Stop Crying Your Heart Out”; vanity comes to mind but there is no heart involved if anything it is sort of taking a vaccine perhaps.

“Okay, this is me, planting an idea in your mind. I say: don’t think about elephants. What are you thinking about?

Elephants?” – Inception (2010)

As the song goes Lady Lu “I Want to Be Sedated”, I’ve actually been looking up how to forget, how sad is that; don’t they say an elephant never forgets? Not that I am one for fraternities or sororities but my mother and sister both pledged and elephants are sort of their thing, that’s a fun fact I suppose for me. Anyway, the fact is the elephant in the room and you know I like animals more than most people so is that why I’m allowing myself to be crushed.

The thing is I’m not Ava Jerome (General Hospital), another rule “I Take My Own Lumps” she got burned, literally but still refuses to accept responsibility, no Lu, I take all the pain and own up but yes it can be a bit much, I just got to take it and I’ll survive until next year; hell can’t I just become a monk? The internet is one big minefield but elephant crap is quite easy to avoid and so I have but I still have to get this stink off. You know something this metaphor is working rather well, that’s something else I have thankfully been thinking about, my budding upgrades in my writing soon.

If I ever get around to it of course, at work I’m already cracking, told “Big Brother” I’ve been better and even worked an extra hour just because. Idle hands are the devil’s playthings but let’s not forget, the mind is a terrible thing to waste; where are the zombies?

Maybe it would help if I just shut up about it but I think it’s like poison, it’s a virus, you can lie down and let it rot you to the core or you can fight, and keep fighting, endure and survive. I said it before, it begins to define you, can’t say I’ve ever been a victim of racial profiling but back in school, how I kept the bullies at bay was the concept of madness, they left me alone merely on the thoughts of what I could do.

When my family cut me off a few years back I sat in an extended stay hotel, that smelt like bleach for twenty-four hours just… I don’t know, and maybe I didn’t eat or drink a thing for about forty-eight hours after. You know what happened, not a damn thing, keep in mind my parents didn’t care, I didn’t have any friends or family that could help “M Anime” is far away and Braxton was with my folks (no dogs allowed) in the place. Keep in mind Lady Lu, my father thought I was dangerous to the family, the most damage I had ever done to anyone was to myself, they were afraid and life went on for everybody else while I sat in a room for three days willing myself to just disappear completely.

“What was done to me was monstrous.

And they created a monster.” V for Vendetta

It’s like a kid who blames himself or herself for their parents, you begin to imagine that you truly are some sort of creature, omen, that you’re bad and it festers and then everybody wants to know what happened. It’s like being Tomoko from the anime “GTO: Great Teacher Onizuka” you make a mistake and then another, and another soon you can’t help yourself and it becomes your life, Tomoko has many friends though. Probably what scares me the most though is Hunter and Evie from Skye Warren’s “Wanderlust” he was framed for a crime he didn’t commit but the reputation of his crime followed.

“Nothing is wrong with me! I just don’t want to be defined by the worst thing that ever happened to me.” Max, Finding Carter (2014)

All these pop culture references, gives me a reason to search the internet; anyway my point is it is these people who call you these things, decide you’re these things, make you these things, cry foul and then live their lives in perfect contentment not once thinking of somebody that they use to know. Oh and another fact, I’ll never call one of those lifelines again, cops at the house and in less than twenty minutes I’m stuffing everything I own into my car driving to a hotel because nobody gave a shit about the elephant in the room me.

“I feel like some elephant who accidentally got assigned to the penguin house. It’s so obvious that I’m an elephant, but people keep coming up to me with a clipboard and saying, “Hmm, you know, according to this, you’re a… you’re actually a penguin.” Finding Carter (The Ever Embarrassed Elf)

The more things change the more, they stay the same, I have a few friends though only one sort of gets me, Braxton, of course, counts as family and doesn’t care what I am as long as I’m with him. For now, since I’m still out to find what I am, it doesn’t matter what they say, terrifies me I’m writing about this but I’m a writer, that is all.

“Being afraid all of the time, of forgetting somebody’s name, not, not knowing… what to do with your hands. I mean, I, I am the guy who writes down things to remember to say when there’s a party. And then, when he finally gets there, he winds up alone, in the corner, trying to look comfortable examining a potted plant.

You’re just shy, Barclay.

Just shy… Sounds like nothing serious – doesn’t it? You can’t know.” – Hollow Pursuits, Star Trek: The Next Generation (1990)

“I Will Have No Fear” right Luna if you knew how many times writing has brought me to ruin and yet I keep doing it, already I can imagine my father. The thing is everybody would have me remain that mouse in the corner, do mice really scare elephants, something to be considered. I’m writing this down right now, a reason I am a writer is that I have to deal with fewer people, however…

I guess it doesn’t matter in the end, life goes on what a headache, at least I haven’t been hearing anything from a makeshift peanut gallery. Is this why I’m writing later and later, breaking yet another rule or I’m just being lazy, work, excuses, yeah I’ll shut up, get up and write and here I am. I’ve even been avoiding reading a pretty decent book, about someone who got hurt in the past, now where have I heard that?

So what have I learned besides the fact, that I can’t get this elephant out of the room, my head and I have no intention of becoming an ivory trader? Maybe I would rather be a mouse than a man, better to be a live chicken than a dead duck but Don’t Think of Elephants.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 052 ~The Timing of Inspiration~

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A paradigm, a type, and from that I am inspired to create something but while my fingers are in the right place, it’s always the wrong time, that’s what she said and I still hate that joke to this day. The Timing of Inspiration, timing is everything.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Lesson 052 ~The Timing of Inspiration~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, like a drunk man facing his own firing squad, or is that not creative enough for you; can’t say I’m feeling this way myself, so courageous. Today is certainly better, proving a bit of another rule I came up with “sometimes, you may even forget” or I’m just being lazy?

I didn’t dream of anything though, dreams themselves can offer up plenty of opportunities for inspiration to come land in my lap. That will be today’s lesson, so first I ask the question what inspires me and the safest answer would be to say everything. I mean how many ideas do I have in the coming days, Cousin Skeevy, a number of novellas, how about an introduction page, a new blogging book I should read?

“I’m responsible for nineteen of the twenty top-grossing films of all time.

Nineteen?

Yeah, the one about the kid, by himself in his house, burglars trying to get in and he fights them off? I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit.” Serendipity, Dogma

Honestly a few nights ago I was reading through one, I haven’t written a review on and I could barely keep my eyes open, and money-making is a wonderful thing or so I once thought but then here we are. I keep saying one of these days I’m going to write down all the reasons I want to be a writer, another one might be vanity, and speaking of you’re so vain… that’s another bit of inspiration I’ve been thinking about, writing speeches to God who cares anymore like something out of “Collateral Beauty”. Now see I like that, movie and the concept because in a way My Lady you are my collateral beauty, while my poetry seems to be collateral damage in a way.

“Don’t ask me about being a writer. If when you wake up in the morning. you can think of nothing but writing… then you’re a writer.” Sister Act 2 (1993)

Yet another rule I came up with “Whose Right to Censor You” I mean really no more free rent inside my head though yeah I still freeze up from time to time. Maybe I should look to some writers as role models and not the Marquis de Sade, someone wrote he was the freest soul that ever lived but I still have to live here.

In addition to creating a new list of rules to somehow govern myself, I have been looking into a code here or there from the past that I adhered to.
For example, the code of chivalry, specifically the idea of “courtly love” and before you even ask Luna, I haven’t been in love forever or had sex either which explains going for broke from time to time. Remember “Sweetness” and that’s all I ever was to her but a guy can’t win can he, and I don’t think anyone ever excused Sigmund Freud of being a gentleman but it’s all about understanding right? How about that line I never gave “Senseless” yeah that would have gotten me fired for sure, not that keeping my distance did land me in trouble.

I’ve looked in on Bushido, The Laws of 8, Ingsoc, Brave New World, Robin Lefter’s Laws, Fight Club, and I could go on for quite a while, oh and how about Zombieland? I’m getting to be like President Trump, I need to look at The Constitution and maybe The Bill of Rights but how in the world do you defend poetry, oh nobody is special, I got a book of a hundred poems I wrote by the pool, of the five I wrote about The Winx Club while I was on X, how about the one that literal quotes Ellie Goulding’s “Love Me Like You Do”, or to my shame the ones I wrote during the “Harmonic War” just disgusting.

Something I still struggle with, my big sister (not actually related) told me you can’t build a strip club next to a school… anyway, I see her point but that doesn’t negate the fact that I’m a dominant. Personal and professional life Luna, need to keep those separate and while again I’m writing new rules, there is one that remains in my BDSM file and that is “For Me, You Will”, simple. I did write out a bunch for my novel “Some Assembly Required” which I will be working on, starting next month editing but those rules are more sinister.

Now I’ve mentioned that I can find inspiration in everything and while I was high but women, my drug if not by choice but by biology and god how we pay for it. I wish I could just write about sunshine and lollipops okay no I don’t but inspiration only works if you’re beautiful, rich or have a depressing life story to share oh wait…

“Do you know what I am saying? If you’ve got a girl, and she kisses you, sooner or later you’re paying for it. You’ve gotta take her out to lunch, take her to a movie, and then spend time listenin’ to all her stupid problems. Look, look at Stan right there.

He’s gotta sit there and listen to her stupid mother-fuckin’ problems ’cause she kisses him. If you ask me, that’s a lot more than the five dollars my company charges.” – Butters’ Bottom Bitch

Honestly, I don’t see how Taylor Swift does it, though those guys probably ended up with her for a moment, they probably wouldn’t mind any publicity. How about a dude that became more famous because he pissed Alanis Morissette off, and how many shows have ripped off that moment in time. I censor myself though, but probably the bigger problem is I have so many ideas bombarding me and my job is plenty enough scary.

“Well, you know, Henry Miller said the best way to get over a woman is to turn her into literature.” 500 Days of Summer (2009)

You want to talk about inspiration, you want to talk about vanity; I’m freaking scared, nearly petrified, that every word is being twisted, I’m vain enough to believe someone is reading, their vain enough to believe this is a personal attack and a sign of crazy. I see and I create, I feel and I create, I am not what I create because chances are I could never be, impossible, immoral, illegal, insane, I am definitely going to have to make another rule soon. As for right now, all that matters is the work, my novel has fourteen women that I have never met in life as inspirational pieces, and yet… no, it doesn’t even matter anymore, in the past.

So what have I learned today, I could write out all the new rules but that deserves its own entry Luna but today I realized that inspiration cannot completely be contained but simply endured, enjoyed under the right circumstances. Is it what inspires us or what we create because of or in spite of, such is The Timing of Inspiration.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 050 ~A Comedian Died Today~

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Bad days and a Mad Season, the sun isn’t helping, if this happened tomorrow I might actually say it was something astrological but no just people being people and me being me and we all need to stop. “A Comedian Died Today” then again?

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Lesson 050 ~A Comedian Died Today~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, I Will Have No Fear, You Are Not A Caveman, Now The Work Can Begin, yes it lacks the zing of the motto from “1984” but consider them part of my new philosophy on life. Speaking of life, “Marquis de Joker” is not dead but that smiling, scared idiot, that I was today surely should be, again who am I angrier at, myself or the General Manager, freaking “Big Brother”.

“War is peace.
Freedom is slavery.
Ignorance is strength.”
― Winston Smith, George Orwell, 1984

I’m a dominant Lu but today all I can think about is being punished for my fear; I remember when I was a boy in school when you got into trouble they would make you write sentences a few hundred times. How else can I do it, drugs have been hit and miss with me and they don’t solve the real problem, I have to fight this fear on my own. What do I have to be afraid of My Lady, tell me, what do I have to do to be rid of it; I swear I’m trying, but when the moment comes what happens…

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson

Am I now… I am no one for faith but I want to be as Morpheus said “truthfully unafraid” and I didn’t feel any of that today, I allowed myself to feel inferior and weak, who needs white supremacy when I do this to myself all the time. I was disappointed with myself because of two stupid men… well one of them was me and the other was “Big Brother”; I’d say I can’t wait until our next huddle but for what, so I can shrink away and just become more insane. Fear paralyzes you, Luna, I see it, I feel it, I can’t move, I can’t think, and in the eyes of everyone you just shrink, but more over I was stuck.

“You are not stuck” Ezekiel

I think I finally see what one of my coworkers was saying, I’m always running, isn’t that a bit of a contradiction, I feel stuck but then again I must learn to stand and fight. Yes, I said fight, not with fists yet… but with every breath, every word, every look, which leads me to my next new rule Luna.

“Now I bet you niggas do think y’all white. College don’t mean shit. Y’all niggas and you gonna be niggas forever… just like us. Niggas.

You’re not niggas.” School Daze

You are not a caveman, you are not inferior, you have a voice so goddammit use it, and if that means going completely Newspeak on your vocabulary then so be it because you are not so clown. Yet another reason I’m not losing the pen name because I think I’m hilarious, what was I thinking today, if we had a huddle “I have little patience for people and no patience for stupid people” how’s that?

“To say “I love you” one must know first how to say the “I”.”
― Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead

I am better than the man I was today, without a doubt, I may think all those people at work are stupid but at the end of the day this is about me, how I want to be and while I’m finding so much power in that word how about words I shouldn’t say any more. Hey, Sup, anything that’s not even a word at all just a grunt, and while silence beats stupidity I have a voice, my voice and I could barely hear myself. What about the laughter… I explained once before how I got the name Marquis de Joker because the truth and a joke are synonymous.

“When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.” 1 Corinthians 13:11

This is some truth for you, again a contradiction, you know my fandoms but part of the reason I behave as such is that maybe I still think of myself as a child with no place, what is a child’s word worth? People get drunk, get high, I remember a few trips to the dentist office where I would say whatever and not think about it, we are so much like children that people can laugh at the truths we speak, or in my case, I laugh before to keep from saying them. It’s like a virus, “Indiana Gone” laughs all the time and I can understand why but the thing is a man has to be a man, and I should be.

This morning started out with such promise, and then I left the cave, no I didn’t I carried it with me, I allowed myself to be thought of as a child, to behave as a child, to be disappointed in myself because I gave a rat’s ass, what Big Brother thought of me. A caveman goes out and does what must be done but that’s survival, not living, not evolution.
“I can shoot the wings off the back of the fly!
I’m ready!” Wanted (2008)

Now the work can begin, that’s evolution, that’s courage, manhood, fearlessness but I still have my day job but I almost did it. I was thinking about all the things I wanted to tell you Lu and my boss came in and I had one word written down, do you know what it was… “I” all I needed to add was “Quit” and there’s freedom.

That man, that ass clown asked me, when I didn’t jump at his offer for more hours, did I have another job, what else did I have to do and do you know what I said? “I gotta see about a girl” would have been nice don’t you think, “Good Will Hunting” and all that again I have to learn how to do that thinking in real time. No, I told him, I’m trying to write, does that make me a writer, am I a writer now, wouldn’t be the first time I crossed swords with someone over my budding career.

It only got worse from there when I confused “stop on a dime” and “on the fly” thanks to my social anxiety, you know what helps with that, being mad as hell, one of the reasons I like the Dark Side of The Force, fear, and anger right? If that’s what it takes Luna, I told Indiana Gone that too, at least with my anger, I know exactly where I stand the only thing now is to turn it, less at me and more for them, haven’t we talked about my temper and my hate? I’m the one who’s dying though and today more than ever showed that while that sniveling, shit for brains I was this morning deserves it, “I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!” Network

“Once more into the breach, my friends, once more. We’ll close the wall with our dead. In peace, nothing so becomes a man as modesty and humility, but when the blast of war blows in our ears, then imitate the action of the tiger, summon up the blood, disguise fair nature with rage and lend the eye a terrible aspect.” Kevin Costner, The Postman (1997)

So what have I learned today, that maybe I needed my ass kicked, maybe I needed this humiliation, I need people like “Miss Seasons”, Big Brother, a host of others to laugh and snicker, to reject, to criticize, to ridicule, I need all that noise to truly start and hear myself, heal myself. I Will Have No Fear, You Are Not A Caveman, Now The Work Can Begin, I don’t mean this to be funny anymore, because didn’t you hear Lu, A Comedian Died Today.

I Will Have No Fear
You Are Not A Caveman
Now The Work Can Begin

 

Lesson 046 ~You Can Hate Me~

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Not my theme song as of yet, though plenty of people hate my kind, I, on the other hand, am an equal opportunity hater but that doesn’t help with the question where is the love “You Can Hate Me,” maybe I know plenty of people that do in fact

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Lesson 046 ~You Can Hate Me~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, but is it truly so bad, if we have equal rights, if I don’t have to pretend to like you, if I can be me and you can be you and no I’m not talking about separate but equal like back in the day, that wasn’t fair, no not at all. What I mean is, for some Luna, I talked about this last night, I don’t want to make the effort to pretend; I know there is such a thing as courtesy, but there is a fine line between being friends and then being friendly.

Work is not the place I go to make friends *cough* “Okay” *cough* “Gospel Girl” *cough*, so what can I say I like a particular type of girl but I consider myself one for equal opportunity with different women. Isn’t that profiling though, I mean how many of those white supremacists know anything about different races, other than what they have been taught to believe. Don’t I have experience on my side when it comes to people, as I said equality, the people I want to make an honest effort with I’ll most certainly try.

Hate though, still not religious but why does God make it so easy, he’s pretty equal to when you consider ending the world with a flood, Lot’s family, Job, and others, he made an effort and screwed everybody else. It’s not an old concept my dear Luna, I want to be friendly but I don’t want to be your friend, I’m not talking about us of course, you and I are friends, even through the years of not speaking I hope. Why is it we all hate to be hated or even worse ignored, I’m exactly the same in that I want to be liked, but I also want to be left alone most days.

So why am I hated if I’m not one for doing anything at all, hated for existing or as I talked about last night the fear of how I, how they, how we might go about changing the world, the status quo. I’m not superior to anybody but don’t I want to be, at least where money and power are concerned, I can be a bit hoity-toity here and there.

“A man’s sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions… He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer–because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement.”
― Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

I’m sure I told you in a former life that my grandmother said I was full of pride, can you believe that, me with pride but I do see it from time to time. Why would anybody hate me, Luna, I’ve been raised in the south but most people that look down on me are my “own” people, yeah I’ve had my share of racism but compared to what?

When I go shopping I always go for name brands, I can’t do the general stuff but that’s not me flaunting superiority is it, there honestly is a difference in quality is it not? What about certain women, experience Luna, just experience if one type of woman turns me down or hates me outright who am I to continue to show love? Martin Luther King Jr wanted to turn hate into love and it is an admirable goal without a doubt but I cannot show that sort of effort, I don’t need the world to love me… oh yeah, fame.

Why do people hate me, I can look in the mirror and know for a fact that I’m not easy to look at, of course, “Indiana Gone” would have some choice words if she heard me say that. I haven’t said skeevy in a while but yes I am, I won’t deny it, I crossed a line and you know what we both did, we built a wall, well actually I made a trench and she filled it with a wall. For certain it’s because I’m not like them and if I ever was I would hate myself all the more, yeah I want to be loud but not stupid.

Do I consider myself smarter then, if it’s between Shakespeare and football then give me Shakespeare but they don’t have to listen to it if they don’t want? When you hate everything you are to become what they want is the ultimate crime, when they can’t turn you and when you can’t leave because there is nowhere else to go.

“But we make the brain perfect before we blow it out.” ― George Orwell, 1984

How is it they say, if you can’t deal with my worse then you don’t deserve my best, the only thing worse than my outside is within and that’s why I give people a reason to hate me, in a way it’s a public service, making people less shallow. Is it possible to vanquish hate, with an understanding perhaps but humanity prefers love with hatred coming in a close second.

The fact that people hate me at all is something, hatred takes a lot of effort, not thought, effort, though ask me why I hate anybody and while I have my fear I can name dozens of reasons but most people aren’t worth the effort. Indifference is supposed to be worse but I rather have that than you being someone who isn’t worth the effort, making me want to understand and then choosing to hate because it saves some time. If you want to know a time that love came easily when I first saw Braxton, how about the first brunette that somehow captured my heart, or reading “The Gargoyle”.

“I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you’re always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you’re not around, and the fact that you didn’t call. But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.” 10 Things I Hate About You

While I don’t see love on the horizon, I see hate around every corner, I’m going to hate tomorrow, the job, the people, my bank account but I’ll make the effort just to get through it. I hate the failures that will come, that the man I want to be won’t defeat the man I am and I’ll hate him more furiously than anyone else because I know how and I don’t want to hate people more than I already do. I will especially hate the future, if I’m still at the same job, still alone, and Braxton isn’t going to live forever, even today the sound when he wasn’t here but at the groomers, now that Luna is hate.

So what have I learned today, other than I’m making a few claims on the world that I can’t back up, not without somebody bleeding; there was hate then, hate now, and hate in the future so I better find somebody to love that has more than four legs. I shouldn’t hate at all but the world doesn’t bend to my will as of yet so, You Can Hate Me.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 045 ~You Don’t Hate Them…~

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If I think I hate them today, I probably will hate them tomorrow and the question remains why do I hate them you can’t just put the blame on me or my anxiety. “You Don’t Hate Them…” something I wish I could believe or even desire.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Lesson 045 ~You Don’t Hate Them…~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, but if I do hate them, take solace in the fact that I hate myself more, I’m my own worst enemy and yet I’m still living. On the other hand, you don’t need hate to kill, not necessarily; okay so today is going to be a scary day, it has been, still is, and it may be, still got time.

“It is alright for you to hate them. What did they do? They revered you as a saint and called you holy, and made you promise to become a living Buddha, the fools. Then they buried you alive in solitary darkness. Hate them. Hate them all, the humans of this world.” ― Naraku, Fare Thee Well: Jakotsu’s Requiem (Episode 120)

I don’t possess such hatred Lady Lu and I pray I never do but we both know I’m no saint, and I’m one to ask forgiveness rather than permission, we may get to that today maybe. The thing is today, I was at work, another huddle and I mean just looking at all of them standing there I was filled with an almost overwhelming rage, that threatened to burn me alive. You might call it embarrassment when I walked away from that insipid hands in thing these teams do but no I only grew angrier.

What truly gets to me though is the fact that I should have stood against them, I should have said something but I didn’t say anything. I wonder which is worse, to spew such hateful things for the world to see or to pack it in and let it eat away at you and bury you. Now hate ultimately will kill you, not a doubt in my mind but I’m M.A.D. Mutually Assured Destruction, I don’t mind going as long as I take my enemy along for that last ride.

So the question, do I hate them, you don’t hate them implies that I have reservations and I shouldn’t care enough to hate should I? It’s there though but maybe we should start by how one defines hate, begin at the beginning and all that.

“Hate” – an intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury; extreme dislike or disgust

Again Lady Lu I don’t want to delve into politics but those white supremacists Charlottesville, is it fear, anger, a sense of injury, dislike, disgust, a bit of everything, just the feeling of being superior. Now I could go on forever about my own fear, I won’t quote Yoda today but talk about my greatest fear… my father and you will know why I hate him more than anything else.

They say hate is taught, no one is born hating or to hate, children don’t hate because they have no fear, indeed it is fear that is the architect of hate. As I hope that I don’t possess such hate, I also hope I don’t possess such fear but if I would have spoken up today, would I have lost my hate by releasing it upon them all or would I have only spread that hate. If anything it beats what I am now, I hate and I have been hated or maybe I give myself too much credit there.

“In all this darkness, is there anybody who can make out the truth? He hated, and he killed, and now he dies. And you hated, you killed, and now there’s not one of you… Not one of you who isn’t doomed. Do you know why it’s dark? Do you know why it is night all around us? Do you know what the blackness is? It’s the hate he felt, the hate you felt, the hate all of us feel, and there’s too much of it. There’s just too much. And so we had to vomit it out. And now it’s coming up all around us and choking us. So much hate, so much miserable hate.” Twilight Zone, I am the Night – Color Me Black

I wonder did I hate before anxiety, I didn’t always have one or the other but I think one gives rise to the other, I notice with hate, I gain courage or that’s just anger talking… still not quoting Yoda. People taught me how to hate Luna, no way around that, evil begets evil though they wouldn’t call it that, they would say they’re making a joke. No, they are making you feel small and inferior while uplifting themselves and when we grow tired of this we fight back and when those who were brought low begin to rise what comes next, fear and hate.

“The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral,
begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy.
Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it.
Through violence you may murder the liar,
but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth.
Through violence you may murder the hater,
but you do not murder hate.
In fact, violence merely increases hate.
So it goes.
Returning violence for violence multiplies violence,
adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness:
only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”

from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. (1929 – 1968)

If anything my friend I think the concepts of love and hate come far too easily, it irks me when people speak of love so casually and here I speak of hate, so what is the answer? I will not love, in most cases, this is impossible not that I don’t wish that I knew it more, I love my dog, I love my mom but hate, seriously should I just write another whole book?

If I don’t hate people maybe I truly mean I don’t understand them and see that’s a problem in itself, understanding another is a burden and people don’t want to be understood they want to be loud. We don’t want to know our fellow man because we’re too busy trying to be better and I don’t think I’m better than anyone else… no, I’m not.

Here’s another question Luna, why should I hate at all if it doesn’t do any good, I can’t destroy those who I say I hate, I might be killing myself with this sickness though I continue to live on, so what’s the point. Already I said understanding but I don’t need to understand these people to do what is required, what entitles anybody to our understanding. If we can breathe the same air, if we can work together, if we can be protected by the same laws then there is no need for hate or for understanding and that understanding we can give to those worth our efforts, I think.

“Do you talk to someone else while we’re talking?

Yes.

Are you talking with someone else right now? People, OS, whatever…

Yeah.

How many others?

8,316.

Are you in love with anybody else?

Why do you ask that?

I do not know. Are you?

I’ve been thinking about how to talk to you about this.

How many others?

641.” Her

Maybe if I knew how to love more, I could learn how to hate less, that’s part of my new philosophy, if I talk more, people will have to understand more, maybe they will maybe they won’t but I’m sick of giving them the luxury of saying whatever and putting the burden on me. When I ask people do they need help, I am attempting to understand them and if I do understand then we move forward if I don’t well we fear what we don’t understand and eventually we hate. Nobody teaches you how to breathe but as the song goes, I want to know what love is, I want you to show me and how many people are doing that in the world?

So what have I learned today other than I have so much more room for hate, I mean the heart has finite space but hatred is ever increasing, it’s called a graveyard. Strange though that hate will keep you alive but love is worth dying for, You Don’t Hate Them…

“A sickness known as hate; not a virus, not a microbe, not a germ – but a sickness nonetheless, highly contagious, deadly in its effects. Don’t look for it in the Twilight Zone – look for it in a mirror. Look for it before the light goes out altogether.” Twilight Zone, I am the Night – Color Me Black (1964)

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 043 ~You Don’t Have “It” ~

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You’ll float to and here I was saying, I believe I can fly but that’s going to take more than a certain “It”, I’m going to need “It” in every form that I can think of and even more my friend. You Don’t Have “It” so maybe I should read something

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Lesson 043 ~You Don’t Have “It” ~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, maybe I do and maybe I don’t but we won’t know until I get serious about what I want to do with my life; forty-three days and I’m still standing or sitting as the case maybe. I’ve been saying that I was going to buy a cookbook but I guess eating isn’t all that important seeing as how I bought a book on blogging instead.

“You don’t have it,” – Laura, Staying Alive (1983)

It’s about that time of the year where I have to start thinking about all the stuff I got instead of the stuff I don’t, you remember years back where I was compared to now, I pay for my own Wi-Fi, a four legged son, a phone that has made me one of The Walking Dead etc. Not much movement on the publishing front, though I have a few believers and I have plans upon plans if I can ever get to them. I don’t have “It” though the motivation is building and if I can just get to actually learning, this craft of mine.

I mean to this day I still can’t tell you Lu, what made “Mime No More” so great and while I’ve stopped my Second Circle Creations “Cousin Skeevy” for a bit, my other works aren’t exactly best sellers either. Even today I had a nightmare about you know who and thought there may be consequences and repercussions but again, it’s not like she follows me anymore and I haven’t lost any mutual friends. Between you and me I think my poetry is actually getting better but it lacks that punch, that zing, and these days I’ve been trying to separate the people on Instagram that just want a follow for a follow from the people who are actually interested in whatever I choose to say.

Could be worse, you remember when I was getting requested from every hacker, scammer, dumbass, trying to play to my libido, hell I could have been a moderator… was it my change in writing style. Which leads me to today’s lesson, “It” how do I get It, what do I want with It, what will It change in my life.

“When are you going to this, B? Life for a Slayer is very simple — want…take…have.” Faith, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I need plenty in this life Luna but that never stops the want, you simply make a choice, people think love is so complicated and trust me it can be but love in its simplest form is saying I choose you, three little words. For example, I could use more food… I’m not starving like “M Anime” thinks, I don’t need it but I could use it but I choose to spend forty bucks on Braxton why, because I want or need to, because I love him, because I choose him, to be happy and healthy, clean, safe, everything else.

Is Love “It” at one point I would have answered yes but considering my life “BB” before Braxton, it was more a want, my mom talks about unconditional love being one of the reasons I’m still alive she obviously doesn’t know how many times I almost died. I told you about “Project Alamo” if things got too bad I wouldn’t fail this dying thing again, I couldn’t afford to. I’m sorry this is getting a bit more depressing than I intended, the mind just wants what it wants doesn’t it, yeah explain my poetry again?

“The heart wants what the heart wants,” – Woody Allen

Not the greatest role model, neither is R. Kelly but let’s talk about what the body wants… if I let mine have its say I might still be in bed, great more depression, it’s a miracle I’m even at the dining room table. Don’t ask me how I know but there’s an app that actually keeps track of well… let’s just say Josh Harnett could have used it in “40 Days and 40 Nights” I’m on Day 19. What about the fact that I wouldn’t mind doing some actual physical damage, I still got a cut on my hand, I unloaded my airsoft gun so I could do some shooting, and I got one big ass knife to be sure.

Still sounding scary, is death “It”, Luna no I don’t want to die and to save you the suspense there is but one real “It” and that is POWER. There is nothing more than power, and that’s “It” okay and the Stephen King novel turned movie, I’m going to see.

“I’m not going there to die, I’m going there to find out if I’m really alive” Spike Spiegel, Cowboy Bebop

“Indiana Gone,” asked me the question of the century… I have no illusions of living to a hundred but blah-blah sucks too, anyway so she asked me, what do I want for my “Day”? I gave her the company line of impossible, immoral, or illegal, now of course if I had “It” this would be made moot, I could have anything, power my dear Lady Lu, with that there would be nothing else I wanted or needed in this world.

“Now I will tell you the answer to my question. It is this. The Party seeks power entirely for its own sake. We are not interested in the good of others; we are interested solely in power, pure power. What pure power means you will understand presently. We are different from the oligarchies of the past in that we know what we are doing. All the others, even those who resembled ourselves, were cowards and hypocrites. The German Nazis and the Russian Communists came very close to us in their methods, but they never had the courage to recognize their own motives. They pretended, perhaps they even believed, that they had seized power unwillingly and for a limited time, and that just around the corner there lay a paradise where human beings would be free and equal. We are not like that. We know that no one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it. Power is not a means; it is an end. One does not establish a dictatorship in order to safeguard a revolution; one makes the revolution in order to establish the dictatorship. The object of persecution is persecution. The object of torture is torture. The object of power is power. Now you begin to understand me.”
― George Orwell, 1984

Luna I could only hope to be so wise in my life, knowledge is power but just one of many forms and in the end, I want it all, I said before satisfaction is the death of desire but in the same breath I wish to want for nothing, Doublethink I suppose. “It” is not just being loved but understood, as Winston Smith saw and can you really think of anyone that loves or understands me, I can think of some willing to try and even then I would have to lie to us both. Ask me what I would want if I truly held Aladdin’s lamp, even the genie gave him rules, no asking to kill, no raising, the dead, and no getting someone to fall in love period.

“What does one want when one is engaged in the sexual act? That everything around you gives you its utter attention, think only of you, care only for you…every man wants to be a tyrant when he fornicates.”
Marquis de Sade, Philosophy in the Boudoir

So what do I want… let’s go for two, two, and two, impossible, immoral, and illegal, let’s see: become friends with Ms. Seasons again, and write a best seller. As for immoral… certain women I want in my bed or just to be able to say whatever I pleased and for the world to hear it, know it, understand it, yeah I’m avoiding that one for some reason. Now illegal, one is just bad, and the other, wanting to kill someone, yeah I saw some of the Hostel series and you know my sick mind.

So what have we learned today, besides “It” is relative, when will I see it, who knows but I’m always hoping and I have to see the original movie before the remake, now don’t I? Today though, who knows if “It” will be a pretty face, a load of cash, some new followers, but when I have the power that I want, I will look upon those enemies and I’ll say You Don’t Have “It”.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 040 ~Do Better Next Time~

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Tell me you’ll do better next time and I’ll believe you, almost makes me crack up and I believe you or I believe in you is a story for another time. Do Better Next Time, if such a time does come?

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Lesson 040 ~Do Better Next Time~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, I’ll do better next time, you know one of these days I’m going to make a list of the words and phrases I hate the most in the English language but today it’s these four simple words. You know you only get one chance at a first impression and today I think I blew one, okay two, probably a few more I wasn’t that observant.

“I’ll do better next time.

German.

I’ll do better next time.

Italian.

I’ll do better next time.

Spanish.

Spanish.

Did you really want me to snap your neck?” Hanna (2011)

I’m still thinking with that old world mentality that I’m not sure I’ll even see tomorrow so why bother doing my best, even when it comes to you Lady Lu, when will I see you again or I’ll do better next time. Ironically isn’t that why I should try my best because it’s with this I’ll be remembered; give me a reason to stay here, with all my work I don’t want my parents getting rich off me at some point. Another reason not to mince words and say whatever I feel… yeah, I’m afraid.

Maybe I’m just an idiot you know, I mean however are you supposed to introduce yourself to someone when you don’t really know yourself. That’s no secret, it’s just I like to think I know parts of myself, the gross parts according to some, yet another reason I hate looking in the mirror, hell I didn’t know who I would meet today. Isn’t everybody in the same boat when that comes to me, you know better than anyone my friend.

Isn’t that what I’m always talking about, evolving and like any mutant this is not always welcome and it can be a far within as easily as a fight without but once you make that first impression… Well I think everything else comes off as an impersonation but then again at least I’m honest, a bad type of honest sadly.
“And I doubt you’ve ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you… I don’t see an intelligent, confident man… I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you’re a genius, Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you.” Good Will Hunting

Speaking of honesty do you know how many times I have rehearsed my tirade for my coworkers only to say nothing at all when the time comes. Hell in a way it’s good to know I’m not alone in this, I’ll do better next time when it comes to working.

At the rate things are going at work I will have plenty of opportunities to have a first impression and I will have some people so confused; I’m not much of a trainer in the day job aspect. Going back to the dirty I could tell you exactly what I want who I am but even role play might be a symptom of something, maybe, you think? With the first impressions maybe I should go wreck a few more across the board, it might help me get over the last impression I gave Ms. Seasons.

You should have seen me this morning Luna, I should have seen myself but I felt that overwhelming dread, just like when there was all that trouble with “Senseless” for days on end I was just stomping hard as if I could crush the memory, caveman. I wonder what sort of impression I give off to animals, these days I’m so scared as to how Braxton sees me. Here’s a start, I see myself as his father, no ifs, and, or buts, only if I am anything like my father I’m pretty screwed; these final impressions can be pretty bad.

Not that Braxton is going anywhere of course except to the groomers, I still wonder how the people at PetSmart see me, I mean no one wants to be looked at as the negligent parent. With how many ticks they have pulled off of him, what do I think about, I’ll do better next time but sometimes we don’t have the luxury of a next time, do it right first.

“Your “best”! Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.” John Mason, The Rock

How about we forget about meeting people and just think about the general everyday interaction, for example, this guy I saw who helped these women in Walmart. What about how hard it is to remember all these things I’ve been trying to teach myself and put them together into something that passes for a human.

I’m not so upset about the store because of those women, I saw were of no interest to me but I do like to think of myself as a gentleman, look at that, dog dad, gentleman, things that nobody gets from me the first time around. Anyway so this guy, old guy helps these women with a big carton of water, I just had to admit that the man has class, or maybe I’m digging too deep into this. Who knows if they’ll ever meet again but the fact is, how do you think they saw this guy if I was so impressed with him?

To this day I can tell you about the first brunette that ever got to me and after her, well there has never been any other type of girl for me. Was it simply the look of her, her kindness, her voice, her eyes, I mean everything and nothing, so you don’t have to ask me why it hurt so much, by comparison, Ms. Seasons was… anyway, this first brunette back in junior college nearly got me kicked out of school. The more things change, and our final impressions of each other, what she thought of me, I honestly don’t want to remember because it will be so much worse.

So what have we learned today, repeating history, first impressions are everything and confusing to those around us but even worse when there is a battle within. Lady Lu, to be fair today was a bit easier but I’m not where I need to be, I’ll Do Better Next Time.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 039 ~Well, This All Whomps~

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Don’t speak but is it really going to hurt, when, where, and how, now if I were rich and famous it would be in a really good way but for now it is only the fear of pain. Well, This All Whomps to feel such fear and dread doesn’t it, I should know yes?

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Lesson 039 ~Well, This All Whomps~

Hey Lady Lu,
No fear but we need to talk… are there scarier words in the English language; to this day any time that simple phrase is uttered you might as well say, you’re in trouble now. These days I might as well be a student in “Etymology” I actually looked up the word for the study of words, learning.

I was writing another ‘masterpiece’ today, I’m still not learning but I write what I feel, anyway I was noticing the things I couldn’t say any more. Luna I have written the vilest things that you can imagine and you know a picture is worth a thousand words and my how I once showed off pictures. The strange thing is it has been the most innocent or the stupidest things that have gotten me into trouble and I fear that day is coming again soon.

As for today’s lesson, ‘T.J.’ Detweiler used the word “Whomps” to cover up a dirty word, I’m much the same because I’m all paranoid which is done when I’m posting our conversations all over the place. I think I told you that I use nicknames became while I don’t care about my name (a conversation for another time) I do have those I care for so I keep them out of the muck and mire but then of course I know some if not all of them are reading. Now I can’t even use the nickname because I know “she” might have eyes reading this as if that poem wasn’t revealing enough; I held back.

More times than I remember I thought that words would be the death of me and yet I seek salvation and meaning, it’s why I write books or will. Today though I’m trying to figure out how to talk about… whatever, when I’m becoming afraid of my words even printed.

I have a theory that if I can share my secrets in this place, then whatever would I be afraid of in everyday life, not to mention the shithole, I made out of my last blog, yes I remember you lived there too. I heard in a movie once that secrets are lies and that presents me with another theory, you want to know why I don’t know who I am, because I’m commanded, damn near railroaded, into the lie.

I might sound like someone from “The Circle” or I’m just being a dumbass considering the only proof I have of views is one destroyed friendship but I want to share, I want people to know. Hell, I talk a lot about enemies so why reveal my plans, but here’s another thing, should I just lie here doing nothing and all, didn’t I say I want to live loud at some point and my voice just isn’t there yet. Why is it I always feel like I’m repeating history… back in school, I went with shock and awe, okay humiliation but other people have stories to tell that I could never come close to writing.

In a way, it wouldn’t matter if I scrapped all plans of being a writer because I would still have to talk to people and since I can’t spout off expletives or sexual innuendo 24/7 well I have to have a release somewhere. What sort of person does that make me; I guess it only works if you’re an eccentric billionaire, money can make anyone beautiful but it also allows you to say whatever you want or damn near act however you like. It doesn’t even have to be sex; when I left the church my parents would have given anything for me to lie, bullies don’t like someone who can fight back and women don’t like someone like me giving my feelings a voice.

Already I want to say someday it won’t be like this, but why not tomorrow, why not today, what am I afraid of, places like this has consequences, Luna. I can feel that stirring once again to not give a shit mixed in with those feelings of, what happens next.

Having people watching you makes you your best self *cough* “The Sinner *cough* if anything it makes me work that much harder, even last night I was so late posting but I doubt anyone cared. It’s not like I was saying anything important just like now but like I said my poem was so much more revealing and yet I couldn’t just go full force.

So do I have any secrets to share today since nothing really happened… not really secrets, I mean anyone could look it up if they so chose to look into me. In “Okay’s” words, screw brunettes, funny that she is a brunette herself, nearly all my friends and ex-friends are brunettes, except for “Indiana Gone” black hair, yeah I know I must have a thing for brunettes but still, I ain’t Christian Grey. I have another book idea, sort of a rip-off of “A Season for Peaches” on “The OC”, if I’m not careful I’m going to become that guy Oliver, no never that far.

Tomorrow will be another test of my new metal and to tell you the truth I am afraid; I need to start doing things that scare me though, pushing myself to the limit, the sky is the limit ha. That Destiny’s Child song just popped into my head “Say My Name” so here goes… “Miss Seasons” is not my friend anymore and when I found out that not only that we’re not friends but that I couldn’t talk to her even if I wanted to I was hurt. I guess I still am right but the sky isn’t falling down and for her sake, I hope it stays right up there, makes me wanna scream.

So what have I learned today Luna other than my head’s a mess and why should I use the word whomps when I don’t need to, I’m not at all important just dangerous. The power of words Luna is something amazing but at the same time, Well, This All Whomps.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 038 ~Rage, Rage, Against The…~

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Let’s just say that what I feel is by no means a straight line but a forest and I am becoming lost so why not burn it down, why not just tell you the desire hmm… “Rage, Rage, Against The…” because maybe I don’t want to accept it truly.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Lesson 038 ~Rage, Rage, Against The…~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear though I was sweating bullets today, I’m still not getting the whole “no fear” prospect but I am trying; yeah tell that to the spider web I hit or to the dog I almost lost right? How about the fact that I’m still up and about talking to you, would I call this work, writing is work, opening myself up to you is work, and the fear never ever stops.

It’s a process but I am answering people back, trying to abandon the caveman antics, still no roar as of late but is my neck supposed to hurt this much? To think the one word that was repeating in my brain other than rage was “Hustle” and the first thing I do after walking Braxton is pass out. Fear is as tiring as rage and while I can name a thousand and one things to be afraid of what the Hell am I actually raging against, so is today’s lesson.

2.66 Billion Dollars or so, don’t ask me where I got that number or why I looked it up but that’s a high price for my rage right, what for, what do I want? I heard somewhere ‘satisfaction is the death of desire’ and desire if anything makes us human, the difference between want and need. Even now, Luna, it wouldn’t be enough and that’s what scares me; am I raging against not having what I want, maybe against the feelings I’m having at all, is it against myself, others.

Rage against the dying of the light, Dylan Thomas said this but I ask you what is that light, it could be as simple as me falling asleep, it could be the fires of Hell. I swear you must be getting sick of me and “the incident” but the moment I forget is the moment it repeats again and again.

“That’s the thing with dames, sometimes all they gotta do is let it out and a few buckets later there’s no way you’d know.” – from the movie Sin City (2005)

Watched a girl at work cry today, rage, tears, more rage, and resolve, like watching a flame, people talk about fire as if it’s one thing or another but at the end of the day fire does one thing, it burns but you got to feed it, without a doubt. I don’t think I’ve ever cried because of a woman, not really my aunt was murdered and I cried because it was expected but justice had been done, there was no need for anymore rage.

I wonder about that girl, will she keep it or let it go, we must never let go of the fire Lu, remember that in all its forms we must never let go period for what is left but darkness then? This darkness I know but I have never been able to stay, every time the light returns and I ask myself what will it be today, and for right now the heat reminds me of a fever a virus. What it worked for “28 Days Later”, so does that mean this will eventually burn itself out, do tears work?

My father makes me cry all the time and that has never quenched me of my hatred, tears can be freeing (amongst other fluids) but in the end, there is always that fire. Monks find inner peace because they cut themselves off from the world and even the best of us only dilute it in other ways… yeah, alcohol has mixed results. So we rage, rage against the dying of the light because the alternative is so much worse honestly.

“Hey, that light? At the end of the tunnel? Guess what? That’s not heaven…

That’s the C train!” – Daredevil (2003)

My rage will not bring back her light, you know, even her nickname feels me with fear but my rage will keep the thought of her and will keep me working. Rage can warm your bed just as easily as love, but isn’t that the difference between Hell and Heaven?

“What is the most resilient parasite? Bacteria? A virus? An intestinal worm? An idea. Resilient… highly contagious. Once an idea has taken hold of the brain it’s almost impossible to eradicate. An idea that is fully formed – fully understood – that sticks; right in there somewhere.” – Cobb, Inception (2010)

That’s what this is, for now, fuel, keep the fire going and when there is no longer rage, something will replace it, the light will not be dying. Maybe it will be warmer, sweeter, maybe it will burn away the past, maybe I will just find a way to manage you know, let it burn.

“Here is your final lesson – do not commit the crime for which you now serve the sentence. God said, “Vengeance is mine.”

I don’t believe in God.

It doesn’t matter. He believes in you.” The Count of Monte Cristo

Relax Luna this is not our final lesson together but I long for the day that my rage does subside; don’t underestimate the power of words but you would think that a mean name, being abandoned, and forgotten so easily would be child’s play. Even before ‘her’ rage has been all there is, I mean what else has there been you tell me, and I don’t want to go back to being afraid all the time. If I lose the light again who knows what will become of me, I mean Braxton is my light in a way if it wasn’t for him, would I…

“If you ever loved me, don’t rob me of my hate. It’s all I have.” The Count of Monte Cristo

My little Braxton is great but maybe some pretty girl will come along and get me all hot and bothered for a completely different reason and it won’t cost me 2.66 billion, my heart would be a bargain. Maybe it will be my success, the spotlight, or movie screen, my own island, plenty of warm light sources. Perhaps instead of burning with hate, what’s her face will be a frozen moment of embarrassment, yes I get plenty of those and I’ll just shake her off.

“Well, you know, Henry Miller said the best way to get over a woman is to turn her into literature.” 500 Days of Summer (2009)

So what have I learned today, stuff I already know… rage takes plenty out of you, the biggest badass can freak out, that the light is whatever you make of it? Rage, rage, and then rage, even more, keep carrying the fire because you must honestly Rage, Rage, Against The…