Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Lesson 039 ~Well, This All Whomps~

Hey Lady Lu,
No fear but we need to talk… are there scarier words in the English language; to this day any time that simple phrase is uttered you might as well say, you’re in trouble now. These days I might as well be a student in “Etymology” I actually looked up the word for the study of words, learning.

I was writing another ‘masterpiece’ today, I’m still not learning but I write what I feel, anyway I was noticing the things I couldn’t say any more. Luna I have written the vilest things that you can imagine and you know a picture is worth a thousand words and my how I once showed off pictures. The strange thing is it has been the most innocent or the stupidest things that have gotten me into trouble and I fear that day is coming again soon.

As for today’s lesson, ‘T.J.’ Detweiler used the word “Whomps” to cover up a dirty word, I’m much the same because I’m all paranoid which is done when I’m posting our conversations all over the place. I think I told you that I use nicknames became while I don’t care about my name (a conversation for another time) I do have those I care for so I keep them out of the muck and mire but then of course I know some if not all of them are reading. Now I can’t even use the nickname because I know “she” might have eyes reading this as if that poem wasn’t revealing enough; I held back.

More times than I remember I thought that words would be the death of me and yet I seek salvation and meaning, it’s why I write books or will. Today though I’m trying to figure out how to talk about… whatever, when I’m becoming afraid of my words even printed.

I have a theory that if I can share my secrets in this place, then whatever would I be afraid of in everyday life, not to mention the shithole, I made out of my last blog, yes I remember you lived there too. I heard in a movie once that secrets are lies and that presents me with another theory, you want to know why I don’t know who I am, because I’m commanded, damn near railroaded, into the lie.

I might sound like someone from “The Circle” or I’m just being a dumbass considering the only proof I have of views is one destroyed friendship but I want to share, I want people to know. Hell, I talk a lot about enemies so why reveal my plans, but here’s another thing, should I just lie here doing nothing and all, didn’t I say I want to live loud at some point and my voice just isn’t there yet. Why is it I always feel like I’m repeating history… back in school, I went with shock and awe, okay humiliation but other people have stories to tell that I could never come close to writing.

In a way, it wouldn’t matter if I scrapped all plans of being a writer because I would still have to talk to people and since I can’t spout off expletives or sexual innuendo 24/7 well I have to have a release somewhere. What sort of person does that make me; I guess it only works if you’re an eccentric billionaire, money can make anyone beautiful but it also allows you to say whatever you want or damn near act however you like. It doesn’t even have to be sex; when I left the church my parents would have given anything for me to lie, bullies don’t like someone who can fight back and women don’t like someone like me giving my feelings a voice.

Already I want to say someday it won’t be like this, but why not tomorrow, why not today, what am I afraid of, places like this has consequences, Luna. I can feel that stirring once again to not give a shit mixed in with those feelings of, what happens next.

Having people watching you makes you your best self *cough* “The Sinner *cough* if anything it makes me work that much harder, even last night I was so late posting but I doubt anyone cared. It’s not like I was saying anything important just like now but like I said my poem was so much more revealing and yet I couldn’t just go full force.

So do I have any secrets to share today since nothing really happened… not really secrets, I mean anyone could look it up if they so chose to look into me. In “Okay’s” words, screw brunettes, funny that she is a brunette herself, nearly all my friends and ex-friends are brunettes, except for “Indiana Gone” black hair, yeah I know I must have a thing for brunettes but still, I ain’t Christian Grey. I have another book idea, sort of a rip-off of “A Season for Peaches” on “The OC”, if I’m not careful I’m going to become that guy Oliver, no never that far.

Tomorrow will be another test of my new metal and to tell you the truth I am afraid; I need to start doing things that scare me though, pushing myself to the limit, the sky is the limit ha. That Destiny’s Child song just popped into my head “Say My Name” so here goes… “Miss Seasons” is not my friend anymore and when I found out that not only that we’re not friends but that I couldn’t talk to her even if I wanted to I was hurt. I guess I still am right but the sky isn’t falling down and for her sake, I hope it stays right up there, makes me wanna scream.

So what have I learned today Luna other than my head’s a mess and why should I use the word whomps when I don’t need to, I’m not at all important just dangerous. The power of words Luna is something amazing but at the same time, Well, This All Whomps.

I Will Have No Fear