Friday, June 13, 2025

Meditation 347 ~It’ll B Written, Virgil~

Hey, Lady Sophia,
Let me tell you a story… Friday the 13th. Happy Friday the 13th, though we do get a couple. So much blood.

“Yes, there will be blood.”

I’m more a fan of John Kramer, aka Jigsaw, than Jason Voorhees. Jigsaw could explain why I was crying today? Then Jason has the whole John Wick thing going for him. A man/monster of focus, commitment, and sheer will. This “Will” doesn’t have that. Guts!

But I still have my son’s blood on my hands. My poor Braxton, my firstborn. With the stroke of a pen, I ended his life on the “day of our lord” Sunday, January 31, 2021.

Seriously, Sophia, they talk about how long it takes for serial killers to get going. Saturday, August 13, 2022, with another pen, I “rescued” Braxton’s little brother Virgil. “How to Save a Life?” Give me sweat, blood, and tears and not ink. That comes later.

FEAR of sweat, blood, and tears? I’m not a hard worker, hard enough, considering what I’ve accomplished today. “Here and Now,” it’ll be written that I was crying while reading.

Can’t I save the love songs for Braxton and Virgil’s potential stepmom, M Anime. Or shall I call her Julia from “1984.” My Lenina from “Brave New World.” Is she Lorinda from “It Can’t Happen Here?” How about I-330 from “We?” Where am I going with all this other than ideas of dystopian sex? I feel like Winston. I’m weak like Bernard but want to be the Savage. I want to write like Doremus. And I’m a victim, liar, traitor like D-503. A man, ha! All these books, Sophia, they’re all I have to make sense of my identity now. To alliveate the fears of…

A well-read something or other lying with M Anime, someday.

My Julia, as she told me this morning that when we meet for the first time, she should wear some blue coveralls and the red sash of “The Junior Anti-Sex League.” We make plans all the time in texts. All of it is designed to look like ink. Kindle books, love letters, coding, etc. Yet I can’t write out an honest answer. Why was I crying over a book, hm?

Sophia, the book was Spring Break: A Slice of Life Contemporary Harem (Harem University Book 6) by Dirk Knight. No, I was not crying over that. Not even over Braxton.

FEAR grips me sometimes. Hell, like grief over my son always and forever. Writing life. Mine? What’s it saying? The End… It’ll B Written, Virgil

1594 Days Without B III, Day 1035 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Friday, June 6, 2025

Meditation 340 ~Braxton Barks Library Virgil~

Hey, Lady Sophia,
Let me tell you a story… Hell! After reading “The Long Walk,” whose ending was somewhat, Meh. I’ve sampled “The Aeneid.” Snooze

Or am I lazy? Yesterday was a waste of a day. There is the exception of reading, M Anime.

You know, Braxton and Virgil’s potential stepmom. I swear I need to bind all of her stories together into one volume of work. And what of my stories? Braxton’s Life Matters.

So much so that I haven’t published either of my son’s two novels. I haven’t gotten around to building that magnificent temple in his memory that I told M Anime about. So that brings us to today. I was walking past my library/study/Braxton’s Bedroom/Virgil’s Bedroom. And what did I see? The Shawshank Redemption. The movie.

The Brooks Hatlen Memorial Library, to be precise. Is that sad? Braxton’s old room feels like a prison library, Sophia.

It was from time to time. Whenever Braxton would get into trouble. But I’ll never forget, on his final days, Braxton somehow found the strength to walk to his room.

Even when I brought him his water bowl, he insisted on going to his room to drink. He did it to spare me worry. I find myself in tears, wishing I had captured those moments. The Long Walk, Braxton Edition.

There’s one more thing I want for his temple, or museum, or mausoleum, or memorial. I was telling M Anime that I want to go all out. A fusion of Egyptian and Greek styles. I want to build something that truly honors Braxton’s Resting Place.

I want it to be built with Obsidian stone. Volcanic glass. There’ll be golden statues of my firstborn son. Paintings, Videos, and my books for him. Idolatry? You’re damn straight.

It’s not like I’m firing the 14th librarian of Congress because I’m a racist MAGA freak, Karoline Leavitt. Effing MAGA and FDT. However, let’s not discuss poor reading material. SIGH

The news? At least my stories are confined to fiction. B III’s existence is nonfiction.

But what about his and Virgil’s stepmom. Before writing a “love” story with her, hmm.

Sophia, I have a burning desire to see my books in bookstores, libraries, and bestseller lists. Just like Cherry boasts about. Am I joking? Whatever.

Then I can worry about the Red Room or, rather, the Black Room and everything I want to do with M Anime. The temple where my son may finally rest in peace. A bedroom where I don’t wake up exhausted each and every morning. Book it. Braxton Barks Library Virgil

1587 Days Without B III, Day 1028 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Friday, May 30, 2025

Meditation 333 ~Zero To Braxton, Virgil~

Hey, Lady Sophia,
Let me tell you a story… “Pontypool Changes Everything,” maybe? I’m afraid not. I won’t be buying any books this week. Paycheck?

Zero. That’s for last week. And this week, I didn’t fare much better. But I was at the Day Job, and if last night was any indication, I was exhausted. The week I worked won’t even pay for Virgil’s Vet Appointment today. I don’t look forward to reading Virgil’s bill.

Sophia, I didn’t want to read Braxton’s Euthanasia papers either. But they’ve rested on the coffee table for four long years. As long as Virgil’s been alive. Keeping Virgil alive.

“And even though you passed. Going on four long years. Still waking up late at night crying tears.”
I Wish

That’s the rub. And yes, nobody needs to be singing any R. Kelly. My son B III is a hero. Braxton is Love. Braxton is Cruel. Braxton was close to Happiness. Like “Kill is Kiss.”

More Pontypool? Because reading bills, bottles, and bureaucracy kinda sucks.

Like reading my works? I’d like to stay up long enough to write. Why’d I choose this way? I chose nothing for if I had well… “I’ll always love my Mama,” but mistakes were made.

“I chose nothing. I was born, and this is what I am.”
Achilles, Troy (2004)

Achilles wasn’t a hero. Hercules was. The animated one, not Kevin Sorbo’s edition. MAGA-loving douche. One more reason I prefer to keep my head in the pages. While this is a time for heroes, I think the American consensus seems to be, as Tina Turner sang, “We Don’t Need Another Hero.” And did I hear correctly that the Cheeto and Chief want a dome? SIGH.

Figuratively, I hope. But you never know. I don’t want to talk politics, but we could be living in Paradigm City from The Big O.

Speaking of anime and The Big O, there’s my boys’ potential stepmom, M Anime. “One More Night” was spent texting her. The Phil Collins version, not Maroon 5. But I keep thinking about how she said their “Sunday Morning” reminded her of me. My heart…

Anyway, last night, it wasn’t only “Sexxx Dreams.” What comes after? If everything goes according to plan, the “Possibility.” Hell, possibilities. After coming comes creation.

“The opposite of war isn’t peace. It’s creation.”
Jonathan Larson

Creating children, can we have a home, “I can be the man you need me to be,” I want to tell her. But Sophia, the last promise I made to someone. I told my B III that he’d be ok.

With M Anime, I’d be both hero and villain. Like Braxton. Zero To Braxton, Virgil

1580 Days Without B III, Day 1021 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Friday, May 23, 2025

Meditation 326 ~Contracting Braxton and Virgil~

Hey, Lady Sophia,
Let me tell you a story… But first, I need to get my words right. Don’t I mean Contact, Not Contract? SIGH.

The Devil is in the details. Braxton’s Euthanasia papers and Virgil’s Adoption papers. I pose the question. What are two sets of documents I didn’t read thoroughly? Dear Lady Sophia.

It’s the fine print. I didn’t know I’d hate myself always and forever… Braxton’s demise. And I didn’t think I’d be looking at Virgil and start singing “I Always Find A Way” from Even Stevens. A way to care for Virgil. We went out for a walk, and he had breakfast. Even with my splitting headache. Do you see what time it is, Sophia? Seriously?

Today, I didn’t start with reading “Saying Goodbye – Navigating the Loss of a Beloved Pet: A Guide to Grieving and Healing From Pet Loss” by K.M. Ogden. Another one?

By that, I mean mourning B III. But that’s not why I have the headache now, my dear Lady Sophia. There are worse things to read and worse dreams/nightmares to rest to. Did I say rest? Yesterday, I was talking about B Resting in Peace. Only I don’t let him. And for the past three months, I’ve been complaining about “Dollar dollar bill, y’all.” C.R.E.A.M.

I’m surprised I haven’t been doing that for Braxton and Virgil’s stepmom. Should I stop calling M Anime that? When a woman says, she’s looking into jobs where you’re located…

As serious as the heart attack that didn’t take Braxton. It was his kidneys. As serious as the painkillers I took. As serious as the energy shot I missed, Sophia.

5-hour ENERGY does its job, but if you miss a couple of days, your head hurts like a Mother Effer. I swear I’ve been through this before, and still, I could only get off my ass long enough to get a personal pan pizza and a bucket of chicken. OH, I eat so well. Yeah…

Something I’m going to do to M Anime should I ever get the chance. And while I’m talking about adult situations, how are my finances? They’ll be worse tomorrow, Sophia.

I’m getting that Check Engine Light looked at. After that, Virgil’s health. And next comes having any food. To think I wanted to pay for sex, but I found love. B and V make me rich? Contracting Braxton and Virgil

1573 Days Without B III, Day 1014 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Friday, May 16, 2025

Meditation 319 ~Let Him B, Virgil~

Hey, Lady Sophia,
Let me tell you a story… I should start saying a book review. But we are twenty weeks into the year, and…

This morning would be the perfect time for a critique. I finished Vector by Michael Dalton but was a bit disappointed. So I wasn’t crying over my son Braxton. It’ll happen. But not yet, Sophia.

Though I do miss him sitting on my head. Braxton would get into Good Trouble. Speaking of Good Trouble, what’s the last John Lewis book I’ve read? Waking up, Sophia.

It would either be Braxton making me want to breathe. A girl’s nice big Yabbos. Oh, Sophia, if you only knew. Or books. And that’s something I need to think about today, my Lady. I’m reading my bank account wrong. And am I even on the schedule for next week? I’m scared, so Braxton told Virgil to let me be.

But that didn’t help with what I was doing last night. What, reading ghost stories? I “pray” my boy B is more than some fur floating in the air. And trying my damndest to make sure his little brother Virgil follows him on the Rainbow Bridge. The walking path this morning was scary enough. Virgil vs a cat? What was I thinking about, my Lady?

A gift from Braxton and Virgil’s stepmom. After I got it yesterday, she’s their stepmom. As the song goes, “And then I saw her face. Now I’m a believer.” Only it wasn’t her face…

“And then I saw her face
Now I’m a believer
And not a trace
Of doubt in my mind
I’m in love
I’m a believer
I couldn’t leave her if I tried”
I’m a Believer

It was her words, in a way. A late Valentine’s Day gift, she said. No man has ever seen her like this. But I did, Sophia.

So what was I to tell her? “Good God, woman, you’re gorgeous; you’re a goddess.” And what happened next, you ask? Sophia, you can see me on OnlyFans, but she saw me for free, and…

I haven’t heard a word since. And that’s why I had trouble reading the clock this morning, my Lady. It’s why I had difficulty counting what little money I had left. And A shopping list.

I’m so worried about what she’ll say next. B’s Favorite Girl. She’s “The Sweetest Thing” when it comes to me.

“Your penis is so big
Your penis is so thick
Your penis is so pretty
You’ve got a handsome di*k

Your penis is so hard
Your penis is so large
My body is a movie
And your penis is the star.”
“Staring your penis.”
the film The Sweetest Thing (2002)

“Is you is, or is you ain’t, my baby
The way you’re acting lately makes me doubt.”
Is You or Is You Ain’t My Baby

But have I been right all along? Is M Anime my boys’ stepmom or not? “Is You or Is You Ain’t My Baby” I want to ask her. There’s the word love, the sight, the WRITE… Let Him B, Virgil

1566 Days Without B III, Day 1007 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Friday, May 9, 2025

Meditation 312 ~B Looking Forward Virgil~

Hey, Lady Sophia,
Let me tell you a story… What about Virgil’s first 1000 days here with me? Over two and a half years. Sad.

Sorry, Lady Sophia. I didn’t mean to sound like that orange turd in the Oval Office with the whole “SAD” routine. FDT! So, let me start over. Virgil Vivi Bradford has been here for 1000 days. What can I tell you? Virgil’s out barking Meat Loaf’s, I’m still “Alive.”

Not really. But to think, on Sunday, January 31, 2021, I drove my firstborn son Braxton to be put into an oven… Geez, that’s so not cool. But at least I didn’t burst into tears, Sophia.

Anyway, on Saturday, August 13, 2022, I was driving away from the same hospital with my second-born Virgil to put him through Hell! Virgil led Dante through the Nine Circles.

Didn’t believe I’d have another son or a Trump Presidency.

The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Again, Lady Sophia, I’m sorry. But the things I’ve been reading and can’t avoid. The country’s screwed, effing MAGA, Chicago Made Pope, and how many times have I watched that trailer for Stephen King’s The Long Walk.

But I wasn’t smart enough to buy the book. Aren’t I supposed to be saving money? I have a Kindle full of books, but no. I’m deciding what to start next: Vector by Michael Dalton or Saying Goodbye Navigating the Loss of a Beloved Pet by K.M. Ogden. Sophia, will there ever come a day when I can sit with myself, Virgil, maybe his and Braxton’s stepmom M Anime, and be a man of honor like, uh, The Last Samurai:

“Tell me how he died.”

“I will tell you how he lived.”
The Last Samurai

For the love of everything, will I stop calling M Anime Braxton and Virgil’s stepmom?

Sophia, I could call her a hell of a writer. I have no business reading Vector right now, but do you see what time it is? I was up until around one reading one of M Anime’s stories, “Boss’s Bullet, Seed, and Sacrifice.” That story with thoughts of her and Cherry’s Yabbos, and I’m back on my day one if you know what I mean. Vanity’s “Pretty Mess” covers it.

“Woke her up around one. She didn’t hesitate to call Ice Cube the top gun.”
Today Is A Good Day

What about the Eels “Beautiful Freak?” Tinashe’s “Nasty” fits. But M Anime and Cherry are writers. I should write more for “my” novels: “Nightmare,” “Cries,” three words e roc tic.

Where’s Braxton’s books? Virgil’s 1000 days? B Looking Forward Virgil

1559 Days Without B III, Day 1000 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Friday, May 2, 2025

Meditation 305 ~Virgil And Braxton’s Study~

Hey, Lady Sophia,
Let me tell you a story… But if not. I could at least clear off my table/desk. Or make the room comfortable.

My boys, Braxton and Virgil, spend all their time with me anyway. Unless they are puking, being punished, or their Dad is pushing buttons that make women moan. Or me.

Though it’s been more like swiping as I read M Anime’s stories. We’ll get to that in a minute, Lady Sophia. Or however long it takes for us to have this talk. I’m wasting time.

I don’t mean with this conversation. It’s more like I have too much on my plate. Uh, aren’t I broke? I haven’t bought a new urn to keep Braxton in. And there’s Virgil’s vet visit. Honestly, I knew there was something I forgot to add as I was writing out a grocery list yesterday. Rotisserie chicken, pizza rolls, Virgil’s health.

And I don’t have any books on dogs that don’t involve them dying or their owners. And yes, even now, I long to join my Braxton. But Virgil’s here, so I must read up on how much money I’m losing and my latest humiliation on Facebook. And some four hundred words… I enjoy working on my and M Anime’s novel “Cries Come Women, Come Country.”

I keep saying that Braxton and Virgil’s stepmom is awe-inspiring. Gotta, stop calling her that!

“She Drives Me Crazy,” and I can’t help myself. I should read more about the Shadow Work she wants me to get into. She’s writing me all this free stuff, and I’m buying more books.

I wish. I need some books on starting a rebellion.

Rebellions, revolutions, or ravishing pretty girls. Ew! The things I think about in the dark.

When I’m the one who’s screwed or effed, whatever. Did you read my last paycheck?

Sophia, SIGH, it was $35.00. I had to take $300 from savings, and none of that went towards Virgil. But by rhyme or crime I’mma get mine. Or rather his. V is not dying today. What I mean is, I’m determined to take care of Virgil’s needs, no matter what.

And if I die, it will be in a purely Biblical or Shakespearean type of way. Did I mention that if I’m not reading about grieving my firstborn, most of my library consists of, um…?

Well, doing things that make parents. Not with $5,000. And that’s nothing compared to the time I’ve wasted. Reading, Writing, Earning. Virgil And Braxton’s Study.

1552 Days Without B III, Day 993 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Friday, April 25, 2025

Meditation 298 ~Virgil Isn’t B’s Plot~

Hey, Lady Sophia,
Let me tell you a story… Hell! I’m surprised I was even able to read this morning. My eyes are so heavy.

Exhaustion, Addiction, or Allergies? At least I’m not crying over my “Lost Boy.” My B.

Oh no, that would make too much sense. Or no sense at all, seeing B’s been gone four long years. I need only invoke Sunday, January 31, 2021. And anything I’m going through becomes nothing. I watched my son, my Braxton, die, and… Well, the tears are trying to eke out. I need them because I have so much reading to do today. Try Happiness.

Honestly, my lady, you know that word does not exist here. However, I did consider telling you how Virgil arrived. That was Saturday, August 13, 2022. Joyful tears, Sophia? I’m sweating bullets, actually. But I thought I heard Braxton’s voice. “How To Save A Life?”

As this week draws to a close, I’m afraid all I know how to do is make better writers cash. The story of my life is nothing compared to the B-plots from the likes of Dirk Knight and Logan Jacobs. This is the last day for triple Kindle Points, so I NEED more books. SIGH

With what money? If I’m lucky, my B-Plot of a Day Job has me in once a week. I’m not. So, as for all my paid time off… The following two weeks will be hard. And the following two are wasted. So much for going to see Braxton and Virgil’s stepmom. I have to stop calling M Anime that, as if she would even have me. Comparing me to Xu…

Oh, right, I’m supposed to be writing a novel about her nightmare with General Xu. Writing isn’t paying the bills. Sophia, if I finish the story, there’s… Too Much Sauce. However, analyzing the book I’m writing, called “Cries Come Women, Come Country,” isn’t helping either. It takes my mind off missing my son, my money, and any mistakes I make.

Like explaining this to M Anime. AHEM! In her nightmare/short story, I noticed the level of intimacy between her and General Xu. She was first taken in darkness, then held down, chained up, held softly, and then she clung to him. With acceptance, she climaxed.

I can worry about what she thinks instead of the main story. Braxton, Virgil, and I. Virgil Isn’t B’s Plot

1545 Days Without B III, Day 986 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Friday, April 18, 2025

Meditation 291 ~Creating The B-Plot Virgil~

Hey, Lady Sophia,
Let me tell you a story… Because I won’t be giving you a book review today. Have I finished “Backyard Dungeon 15”

Considering today is Sunday, April 13, 2025. And speaking of stories, doesn’t The Last of Us Season 2 begin tonight? My son, Braxton, was so creative. When Sundays rolled around, and Daddy communed with the dead… The Walking Dead, that is. He would come up with ways to entertain himself. That is if he didn’t want to crawl beside me and be quiet for an hour or thereabouts. Hell! B was considerate enough to die in the off-season. That’s dark…

But by now, Lady Sophia, you know, that’s how I like my stories. Happy Endings… Whatever! Virgil would have something to say about that. This being his forever home. Ha!

I’m sure “The Art of Racing in the Rain” is better. I haven’t read it.

And what about my books? We’ll get to that. Because you don’t know how badly I wish I could say this week is “Unwritten.” However, regarding the Day Job, “Every Day Is Exactly the Same.” This wouldn’t be so bad if I were “just a regular everyday normal mothereffer.” But no. I’m sure this week has expanded on Humiliations Galore.

Excuses not to go in; they are coming up empty. I have lots to explain, well as the song goes:

“‘Cause I’m a loser
And sooner or later, you know I’ll be dead.”
3 Doors Down

Soy un perdedor
I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you kill me?
Loser, Beck

Explanations for this. Not movies, music, or manuscripts. I don’t blame it on missing my Braxton. Or missing the spark that made me a great father… Seriously, I’m failing Virgil.

Editing my novels? It’s like a B-plot to a movie.

Mind you, Lady Sophia. A lousy movie, as sleep always comes first. Stealing dreaming time.

Bad dreams, as is the case with M Anime. Earlier, “Cries Come Women, Come Country.” What did you get when you take a lovely lady’s military nightmare and the anime series Kuroinu? “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me.” An African-American Writer. I wish.

Sophia, only days before, I was working on “Nightmare At The Meat Market,” Ch. 19. Honestly, I told M Anime I already had ideas for a sequel. As horrible as I am, I’m not Donald Trump. FDT! I have more than “concepts of a plan.” Ripping off Discipline: The Hentai Academy. “The Eve of a Cherry”? What happened with that book? Existence… Or I keep trying. Creating The B-Plot Virgil.

1538 Days Without B III, Day 979 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will