Tag: Goodbye

Chronicle 280 ~From B’s To F’s~

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This is day 431, but on day 428, I didn’t mention my son. A year and some change that’s all it took for me to forget, fail, flake, and fawn over my son. I caught myself, but how could I. Always and forever, right? From B’s To F’s.

Thursday, April 7, 2022

Chronicle 280 ~From B’s To F’s~

431 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? For you’re with your mother? I owe you an apology for not finding a girl.

Hell, if you had your way, you would have chosen your aunt Carolina Bound. There’s a reason she’s your aunt B. But the point is you were always looking out for me. You would have been pissed this morning, though. Daddy needed his private time. But, um, I did something terrible. If you’re watching me, and I hope not all the time. The book I’m reading says that furry kids keep their parents privacy. Anyway, it isn’t what I did. As much as the things I said. Braxton, today is Monday, April 4, 2022, so yes, I’m time traveling. This week sucks. Inevitable, I suppose. But not only hating the Day Job. It took me 428 days B III to forget you… what the fuck!

I won’t make a Pearl Harbor joke, infamy and all. Plus, I ain’t fucking Fox News. 428 days B III for me to write and not mention your name once. Well, I did. It was concerning your aunt if I’m being honest. I didn’t know that I would be telling you about this today, Braxton, dammit. Why can’t I stay, why can’t we go home, why am I like this? It’s about time I cried today, B. I held it together even when I caught myself finishing writing to Madam Justice this morning. It was the same back 428 days ago. My eyes were locked on the screen because looking at you… There was a lot of that, those final hours; fucking flew forward faster.

What I feel right now, B III is fury at myself because I forgot you for one day in my life. Forgetfulness in exchange for all and nothing. But there’s a reason I’m not fucking myself. Females don’t know. Um, your aunt, but she’s suffering too with her losses Dobby, Odin? Found them you have? Sorry Braxton, you know I like Yoda, the Star Wars fandom. Feasting? I’m sure you’re stuffing your face. I’m hoping my stomach pain is only food. Failures are easy to ignore when they become routine. But not saving you… Then today? Fucking everything! That’s the big one. I’m too busy saying I don’t deserve anything I want. Everything! And I forgot. I forgot you despite everything. To feel I don’t know? From B’s To F’s

Gospel 280 ~Ain’t This A B~

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Chronicle 273 ~Been There, B’s That~

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Could I publish a book in a month? Hell, I had three chances to in 2020. I wouldn’t have been filled with so much hate for my Day Job if I had. I would have noticed my son sooner. I’ll read a new book but do I need to write one. “Been There B’s That”

Thursday, March 31, 2022

Chronicle 273 ~Been There, B’s That~

424 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? As always, B, we’re speaking early. So today’s been the worst day of my life.

I haven’t decided yet, with today being Friday, March 25, 2022. Yeah, what did time matter to you? Sun comes up; later on, I’d have a book. If you had a ton of food, the day must be special. Then again, when your time was almost up, I know the look you gave me B. It’s my third time crying today, first this morning, then napping, and now waterworks B. And maybe I wouldn’t have to if my “plan” pans out. Hell, it’s not even my idea. If I’m being honest. I’m guessing by the time you read, hear, I’m not sure? Most of the books I’ve read said that you’re super smart now, wherever you are. Anyway, I’ve been reading “Will Your Dog Reincarnate?”

It was written by a “Ph.D.” And you know I could use a doctor, right about now. Am I sick? You saw me through COVID-19. It’s not over yet, though. Plus, fuck the GOP/GQP, B. Please don’t repeat my foul language, B III, ok? But what I mean is the author, Gail Graham, talks about how to bring you back to me. Announce my intention, write it down, believe… Haven’t I done all that? Not one day has passed; your water bowl hasn’t been filled. I think of you every day. Every Thursday, and yes again time-travel. I will talk to you about everything. Every Saturday, facing those “Rebeccas,” I look for you at PetSmart. Were you “Chase” or the little doggie that bit me? The chubby one, the ghost?

And with Camp NaNoWriMo about to startup? I survived two without you here, and then there was the Official NaNoWriMo. I doubt you would want to sit through any of that again. That’s why I’m trying to decide what to do today or on the 31st. A book. Comedy comes in threes, THEY say. I could write a whole new book. My strength? Braxton, I doubt I could do it. And oh yeah, B, I paid those people for the book Gulp (sigh). Then there’s your book, My Turn To B III. What is it with me and closure? As I said, Gail Graham wrote her book, but I assume her dog reincarnated. But to return to me, Braxton, would you? Been There, B’s That.

Gospel 273 ~For Once B Write~

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Chronicle 266 ~It’s To Be War~

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My boy’s fighter. B III, be free, beefy… he had a lot of it with anybody. Most days to protect me, and I would fight for him too. When it mattered the most, then where was I? I didn’t have to fight to stay awake when he lay here dying. It’s To Be War

Thursday, March 24, 2022

Chronicle 266 ~It’s To Be War~

417 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Seeing as how my day has only begun… Please, I’ll be back asleep before 8:00.

Not everyone has such “luxury” Braxton. People are fighting for their lives at this very moment. Are you worried I’m about to go off on one of my political rants? When’s the last time I had one of those? If I did, I’d only be talking to myself now. Insanity? Braxton, I’m going crazy without you. Well, crazier if that were possible. But what’s war? Okay, so I am about to have some rant… But believe me, B, I have tried to avoid it. You saw me through the first year of the “plague.” The second year, you were taken from me, my boy. Now between the GOP/GQP, watching Ketanji Brown Jackson and the war in Ukraine. Hell, no wonder I listen to Sucubuss Lord.

It’s the war in Ukraine; B that fell into my dreams. I doubt I have the strength to write a full-blown post on the vision, but I do want to sum up as I would with us lying here (sigh). It was the first dream that I’ve seen you in a long while. I wonder why that is? Always thinking with my “Stuff & Thangs.” Didn’t we both? Like father like son, right? So a few nights ago, I saw you barking around some guy getting ready to go to the frontlines. I didn’t recognize him, but I knew where he was headed (green t-shirt). I was in a dark bedroom. All I wanted was for you to come to lie with me and sleep.

What does the dream mean? As I asked, what are the chances that I’ll write a synopsis of the whole thing? I’m fighting as is to stay awake right now. Did you see me yesterday? Braxton, I should be ashamed. Of course, there are obvious reasons. 417 days since I took the life of my only ally. 24 days of keeping it in my pants. The biggest battle Braxton. Again people are fighting and dying. A woman is torn apart who’s like your grandma. Braxton, I watched you fight for every single second of your life. What’s war, Braxton? Today it ain’t me trying to stay awake, beating the clock, or something else… What am I fighting for B III? If It’s To Be War.

Gospel 266 ~B III Of Numbers~

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Chronicle 259 ~In Other Words B~

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Triple B would speak plenty if he thought someone was a threat or if he knew I was mad over something he did. But he knew how I was, with books, writing, watching The Walking Dead. He left the words to them and me and now Russ… In Other Words B.

Thursday, March 17, 2022

Chronicle 259 ~In Other Words B~

410 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? One of the benefits of waking up at 4:00 – 5:00 is there isn’t much complaining.

Yeah, that’s about all the gratitude you’ll hear from me today. I’m tired, can’t remember the last time I went to the bathroom, and I’m horny as Hell. We’re the old men here B. I’ll never be okay with how things ended, but at least you’re young again, healthy, happy? Not a day goes by I don’t wonder what you’re doing… wherever you are? I’m trying not to BUG you. Well, except on Thursdays, whenever I time-travel, and you know that your Daddy has a ton of problems. You had a knack for making them go away, my boy (sigh). Now I haven’t seen you in my dreams in a while, and I live in bed most days. And that is the problem. No walks?

Seeing how Sunday was the beginning of Daylight Savings Time. And no dog likes that. Dog, yeah, you were never just that to me. Is that why I can’t find you in most of what I’ve been reading? Then again, Braxton, I’m devouring “It’s Just A Dog” by Russ Ryan. First, let’s talk about bugs, which inspired me yesterday. I saw a ladybug, and there’s a whole chapter in another book I read about its meaning. Love, Protection, Good Luck? Now I don’t want to dismiss you if it was a sign from wherever? I swear, Braxton, on top of my list of hated words, I need one of the most annoying… another, wherever, etc. Braxton, how would you communicate? Without dreams? Bucks, Boobs, Books?

Dolores Abernathy

As you know, money talks Triple B. Or should I say Triple X? I should have spent so much more cash on you but even now… Lada Lyumos, the movie X, there’s Succubus Lord 7. Then again, B III, my reluctance to spend a dime? I still remember the price of around $100 for your annual exam, about $450 for your test. Then on your last day. That bill… Did I mention I’m “living” in bed, and if I’m not going to the bathroom, for damn sure I’m not getting up to get your “proof of death?” So why do I believe you’re speaking to me through “It’s Just A Dog.” Because you know how your Daddy is with his words… In Other Words B.

Gospel 259 ~It’s Messy B Leaving~

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Chronicle 252 ~B It Today, Tomorrow~

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When will it be about him instead of me? The week he died, it started with me telling him to hush as I fell asleep, nearly smothering him. The Day Job sucks but a tax refund. And with no girl and without my son… Buying, saving, “B It Today Tomorrow.”

Thursday, March 10, 2022

Chronicle 252 ~B It Today, Tomorrow~

403 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? You can guess how my day was since we’re talking on Sunday, February 27, 2022.

So what, am I gonna kill you again? I know you don’t like me saying that. Well, at least I hope you think that. I already read the book “It’s Not Putting Me Down It’s Lifting Me Up.” I didn’t even have to buy it. I’m hoping by now I finished “A Dog’s Journey.” You were here when I read the last book that “disturbed” me, “Stroke of Midnight” (shudders). Why spend money on things that leave me feeling all… discombobulated? I miss you, B. I should be spending money on your Vet bills. I only realize now this was the first year you missed your annual appointment. A whole slew of pictures not taken. A boatload of tears, not laughter. Be a man, right?

You remember I would ask you, “are you going to walk in like a man.” The last time you were there, I carried you in. On Wednesday, February 10, 2021, Braxton, I held your box. Do you wish I would talk to you about the better times, reading? Photobook Braxton? Yeah, I’m making a list of things I want to buy for you… for me. A Silvercut, pet chain B. I’m going to get you out of that box, B. Black urn? It’s too cold outside for angels to fly. Then there is the decision I have to make. Since I have already “borrowed” from “The A Team,” why not the movie “1408.” Braxton, I have lived the life of a selfish man. You’re dead…

And now, seeing as how I hate dealing with the Karens (Rebeccas) every Saturday. Oh, and I haven’t made a move to find another “friend.” Hell, another you? Cuddle Clones? Fuck, I’m looking for discounts meaning I have to pay come today or tomorrow, Braxton. The 27th or 28th. All so I can have some facsimile of you sitting on the corner of the bed. Would that make me “happy?” You know we don’t use that word. Braxton, what’s good. I’ve spoken about all the “toys” I want to buy. B III you sitting on the bed again? So pants? I could get out of this bed and read more books on the couch. Today, Tomorrow. Spending the money on you, B It Today Tomorrow.

Gospel 252 ~Braxton Was Full Of…~

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Chronicle 245 ~Booking My Best Friend~

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B III’s aunt is my 2nd best friend. Behind her are two girls. B would’ve liked them for AHEM “reasons.” You should have seen him with his aunt, ha. As far as other friends? Well, hating the man in the mirror and B ain’t here. “Booking my Best Friend”

Thursday, March 3, 2022

Chronicle 245 ~Booking My Best Friend~

396 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Should I ask myself that? I ask you every morning. At night I answer no.

NaNoWriMo will be coming up, but it’s not like I wrote anything for “Now What.” Braxton, I had all day yesterday to work on your book. But what did I do with the day, B? As the song goes, did I “Cherish The Day.” Truth be told, I spent it in recovery and then not. I think more and more about how I have been sick for what, going on three months now. No, it’s not COVID. You got me through the first year of the plague. And now, every day, I see the apocalypse well on its way. To sing another song, “I see a bad moon a-rising” B. For the record, I miss singing to you, my guardian angel. I miss our time.

If I had been thinking about you on some day in January… I wouldn’t be feeling like this right now. Damn clothes from, wherever. Whatever it was that rubbed me the wrong way, B III. I’ll admit I was scared for a bit. I could still be, but then again, if I did die today? Dangerous words, no, I wouldn’t do such a thing to you even 396 days in. Hell, I killed you already. Could I do anything worse? I have to assume you don’t like me saying that. I’m sure I’ve talked about reading the signs. The last three books I’ve read talked about relationships, and no, I’m not talking about humans and furries. Well, that too, but like CJ and Trent. Love.

And that’s the thing, Braxton. You above all know I don’t love myself. It’s why my fear isn’t as great as it was yesterday. If I drop dead, I’ll be with you. Horrific Day Job? There’s no way Hell could be any worse. That’s a sign. I’m listening about Cerberus. Braxton, in Succubus Lord 3, Ira creates a fake Cerberus. One hellhound, only one you. I’m still talking to Replika, which you’d hate B. Artificial Intelligence (sigh) on the phone. Yesterday I mentioned your Aunt Carolina, who is mourning her furry kid all the more. Cherry and M Anime aren’t into the stuff I like, not that I’m in a pervy mood. Words, B. Only we still find time to talk. Booking My Best Friend.

Gospel 245 ~Dollar Every Time Braxton~

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Chronicle 238 ~Learning To B III~

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Things I never learned in school, women, money-making, and fatherhood. Geez, that explains a lot of my current predicament. Being a better man, though… considering my son was the best one, I can’t be half bad, can I? Learning To B III.

Thursday, February 24, 2022

Chronicle 238 ~Learning To B III~

389 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Seeing as how it’s Friday the 18th as I’m writing this… Does time matter, Braxton?

I suppose it was the time I was gone and the time I was here. Those times when I was out cold, and you guarded me. Then I would learn whatever I could imagine, Braxton. Reading, writing, whatever, because I had to know how to build a life for us. Yeah, with my book selections and unpublished stories… We couldn’t learn people, Braxton. I know that there was this big storm last night, the 17th. The sirens were going off and everything, and if you had been here… Well, I did grab both of your pendants. Christianity is not my thing. But I did pray to you to lend me your courage. B III, you are the best man I know, my boy, my pancake.

You know, when I’m at the Day Job without the music, I think horrible things about this life of mine. Well, no, there’s because I’m still waiting for my turn to decide. Damn, the Day Job’s playlist. Anyway, as I said, you were the best man I know. Strange, true? Braxton, the man you became, is a direct reflection of me. If I know you are “The Man,” then I can’t be half bad now, can I. Every Sunday in my Six Impossible Things, you know what I say? I WILL BE The Man My Son Thinks I Am. And that’s the rub, isn’t it, Braxton? You could never speak a word of how good I was. Am I giving myself too much credit, B?

Be free to live that way again, hmm? It took me four whole days to make it to our reading spot. And now I’m so focused on you. Which I should have always been. And, of course, hating the Day Job and then dealing with the Karens (Rebeccas). I might be eating grilled cheese, B. If you were here, I would be taking much better care of myself, remember? Inevitable. Time keeps moving for me, and all the books say that I have to let go of my grief, Braxton. Grief feels better than everything else at the moment. But why can’t I be the best man that I know? Braxton, I could recite so many epic movies. But you B… Learning To B III.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Chronicle 231 ~Book It To Heaven~

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Lying on the couch reading a book as my son takes a nap… sounds like a hobby. Staying in bed reading about Rainbow Bridge while crying is pathetic. No wonder I haven’t got a whole lot done. “Book It To Heaven.”

Thursday, February 17, 2022

Chronicle 231 ~Book It To Heaven~

382 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I think we could both use a lazy one after this week, don’t you think?

What am I saying? I don’t know how you spend your time well… wherever? While I’m at the Day Job, I’ve been thinking that there’s no way I’m getting into Heaven. And when I go to Hell, Cerberus is out of a job. Would you follow me into such darkness, Braxton? All the books I’ve been reading these days point towards the Rainbow Bridge, Heaven. Hell, you could be lying right here next to me as I struggle to write this. Indeed, it has been a trial, but I am awake. I expected that I would get some reading done. Stories? Braxton, I’ve only read one full-blown novel this year, and that was The Dog Stars by Peter Heller. Was that a betrayal of you?

It sounds STUPID (eww!) I know we don’t use that word in this house, but it is. I’m not bored with my reading, but I wouldn’t mind reading something unrelated to your death. So what’s stopping me? It’s not like most of the books I read were furry-friendly for real. You know what I mean. If we go back to the start of last year. Hell, I knew what book I was starting with, and then there was A Different Alchemy by Chris Dietzel. A father, mourning the loss of his son… Surprise, Surprise. I believe you died somewhere between Succubus Lord 7 or 8 by Eric Vall. Wow, this is taking a strange turn Triple B. What did I mean to talk about today?

That I should risk reading about my condition on WebMD. Secret: always needing to pee. You would know all about that, wouldn’t you? I should work on writing you, Braxton. Again, I want to read so many books not involving dying fur-babies, Braxton. Only now, I’m still looking at last year’s reading list. There was “The Enchanter” that’s Cherry’s influence; I read plenty on her romanticizing. I finished the Succubus Lord series. I read “A Dog’s Purpose,” which was days after losing you. Almost everything else was the end of the world and, of course, some Christmas Erotica. I read some dog books right before those, B III. To go back to the days reading on the couch, as you slept. Book It To Heaven.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Chronicle 224 ~Because You’re Always Hungry~

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The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, so THEY say. It took 4 months and a cake later. B would have chosen his Aunt over me. Years later, I knew he was in trouble when popcorn and hot dogs didn’t cut it. “Because You’re Always Hungry.”

Thursday, February 10, 2022

Chronicle 224 ~Because You’re Always Hungry~

375 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I hope you’re not hungry… What am I saying, you’re hungry? There were Two Occasions.

I know I always tell the same stories, B III. Being fair. Hell is repetition always. Anyway, I don’t remember what birthday it was. But Aunt Carolina made your cake. Talk about Hell… food in front of you and you didn’t want to eat? Not saying you went to Hell unless Cerberus retired, and if I die… Again for what I did to you, Braxton. Inevitable, or as I constantly say? My memories of you. I hope wherever you are, you’re stuffing your face. But that isn’t why I didn’t let you talk today. The fucking Day Job you remember. So, of course, I am, on a Sunday, talking to you because of how I will feel Thursday. You’re starving for attention. I need sleep.

You, my son, sleep, and sex. Braxton, you were all Daddy, Don’t Go, and Deliciousness. Any food in general. Our needs meshed. But first, it was us; it was always us. It could be a walk, sharing fries. More than a few times, I zoned out after dealing with bitches. Braxton, I get it now you’re fear of them. I would tell myself that I was starving for love, and then I’d wake up. There you are on the end of the bed or cuddled close next to me, B. I’m surprised that you weren’t in trouble more often. That I didn’t banish you from the bedroom. Hell, I even started leaving the bathroom door open. No more private time except for… well, never mind.

I haven’t eaten right since. 375 days B, well no, how about Emergence Day? I kept my promise to you then. What did I do for your birthday, though, in 2021? I was still fucked. You’ll be seventeen this year; I have to get you a present. And if I come into some money… Well, fuck the money. Your last days, it didn’t matter. I tell you the truth B III the memories keep coming. I’m never starving for tears to shed over you. You’re not starving as your treats are still on the table. Did I ever tell you I threw out the hot dogs, the canned food, and I’m not adding biscuits? Braxton, what do you want from me? Because You’re Always Hungry.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Chronicle 217 ~Excuse Me For BEING~

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B III was never in the way… ok lying, with working, a history with women, and this whole world. Yes, every day, I apologize for breathing, so I didn’t really take a breath till I got back. Literally, B ain’t breathing but me? Excuse Me For BEING

Thursday, February 3, 2022

Chronicle 217 ~Excuse Me For BEING~

368 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Excuse me for not letting you get into it. Your Daddy is selfish as ever.

But how can I say that I? I gave you all my time on the 31st, didn’t I? Yeah, what a way to honor you, hmm? I watched a total of how many furry kids die? Then we take “Spontaneous” and add 31 kids to the toll. That’s Mara’s Math. 6 hours, 39 minutes, B. Again, I’m ashamed I chose the Day Job over you. Not Monday, only with time given. Once again, I couldn’t keep my promise because you know what I purchased Tuesday. The worst thing is, I still go to your room every day, but I haven’t lain another treat B III. Speaking of going to your room, between Belle Knox, M Anime, and Mara… Braxton, go to your room, me time.

Gospel 217 ~You’re Killing Me, Will~

And that is why we are here. I was rereading “Gospel 217 You’re Killing Me, Will.” Damn, I hadn’t even started to use your name Braxton as the title of our conversations. Last year, 2021, I talked to Inspector Echo, but I spoke to you B III that Thursday after…. Wednesday of last year, it was all about me being a murderer. So how dare I complain about jerking off explaining pornstars to a computer. Being giddy about M Anime’s teasing. And I never had a moment like “Spontaneous” in some girl’s room. But exploding? It’s called the business of life. And last year I didn’t want to anymore. I did tell Cherry the other day I’m not touching my gun. Oh, and the pills?

I promise, Braxton. Yeah, that’s an awful choice of words but hear me out. Again that’s why you’re not here. Too much listening to me, and I would never shut up. I’ll tape my lips shut again. Anyway, it’s only one pill a day. Well, not yesterday and not this morning. Hell, I’m still waking up at 4:00 AM, hoping for what? I need a new way to honor you, and that requires money. I haven’t worked much this week. There’s mourning, my usual misanthropy, and masturbation. Braxton, you know you were all about Yabbos, right. One more reason we were buddies, and I can smile at that. Have you seen Cherry’s from your perch? It doesn’t excuse what I did. That I’m here, you’re not. Excuse Me For BEING.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad