Tag: Lesson

Lesson 059 ~How to Measure Someday~

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Why someday and not today, all I can promise is soon, how long did it take to write the greatest novels, to build Rome, or for one to know themselves, hell is anybody waiting for me? How to Measure Someday

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Lesson 059 ~How to Measure Someday~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear… are we there yet, how about now, maybe, possibly; anyway this is the rule I am constantly breaking, rule 001 “I Will Have No Fear” and even now I’m tempted to say someday I won’t be afraid only I might as well say never. Today’s lesson is based on another rule “Someday Is Not a Measurement” so the question becomes how do I measure progress, success, where I’m going today.

I will say there were more peaceful days when I was doing my impression of Tom Sawyer, just sitting on a rock, basking in the sun, writing, it’s always easier when you start out. From there it was locking myself in my room, just sitting in bed, to now, I’m actually typing at my makeshift desk because I intend to make something of myself. One day, not someday but one day I intend to be sitting in Books-A-Million or Target, doing book signings, a return to paper and pen, though there is nothing wrong with Kindle or any other E-Readers.

Someday
When my life has passed me by
I’ll lay around and wonder why you were always there for me
One way
In the eyes of a passerby
I’ll look around for another try
And fade away – Sugar Ray, Someday

Once upon a time, I thought about wartime journalism, for the life of me I can’t imagine why, Jake Sisko or Joseph L. Galloway, even back then I didn’t want to hurt anybody but I felt I could show the world. Sad to say I just found words to be my weapon of choice, you know the pen is mightier than the sword… and then I found blogging, lost it and what about now? I propose to be a novelist, how many things have I already written, how many will I write, one-day m novels will be everywhere, “write where they will see”, yes my lady that’s another new rule.

“Can’t take no pictures lying down there, sonny. Down, right there.

I’m a noncombatant, sir.

Ain’t no such thing today, boy.” We Were Soldiers (2002)

This is why writing is so exhausting for me, it’s strapping up, it’s preparing for a war and I’m looking forward to peace, once there once was, and then women happened. Anxiety is a bitch but not the women I associate with… usually; if a dog is a blank check for love a woman is a wellspring of inspiration indeed.

Speaking of women, a man can tell a lot about himself by the women he does associate himself with, by the women in his world, and the women he creates worlds for; what exactly does that mean for this man.

“A man’s strength can be measured by his appetites. Indeed, a man’s strength *flows* from his appetites.” Enter The Dragon

So yes I was but a boy when I discovered Hentai, the earliest I can remember is “Ayeka Masaki Jurai” (Princess Ayeka), again I can’t tell you why but something about her just spoke to me and someday didn’t exist. Well, I take that back, one day I was going to buy every hentai under the sun… okay steal maybe but I was quickly thinking about all the things I would do for a woman. On that note, as actual women are concerned she has to be into hentai, a woman you can watch anything with is surely a must.

As I moved onto real women and I was one for courtly love, now in this area I truly need to take a step back unless I want to start writing so other guys can get laid. One day that was going to be me but honestly the sweetest words… not to mention the angriest words; can I go a day without feeling like Trump, “Fake News” and something I said being taken out of context, let’s stay up Luna.

When I think about the novel I finished writing, see that makes me laugh at one girl’s vanity, I literally created a harem of fictional girls and the things I did to them just wrong in every sense of the word. Anyway, my point is I went from hentai to real girls which were not at all fun, to now, I think I offended another friend yesterday but she’s a good friend. One day is actually starting to sound like someday but anyway, I will share with you my type, when I’m feeling bolder some.

“It’s not my place to ask. I believe in something greater than myself. A better world. A world without sin.

So me and mine gotta lay down and die… so you can live in your better world?

I’m not going to live there. There’s no place for me there… any more than there is for you. Malcolm… I’m a monster. What I do is evil. I have no illusions about it, but it must be done.” – from Serenity (2005)

 

 

Manhood is a constant evolution, the problem is learning, rejection, humiliation, success that’s why I have to keep moving forward.

There was a time when I was all sunshine and lollipops and I wonder what the someday was then, it was never chains and whips excite me but they do.

I thought my story of turkeys taking over the world would be a bestseller at one point and I threw it all away because it didn’t mean any standards, namely my own. I wrote several other books but nothing that was ever… seriously I don’t have the words but I was actually paid for my work. If you want to know my biggest someday it will be publishing that one-hundred and twenty-thousand-word novel just sitting here waiting for me Luna.

It would certainly be better than counting the days of no apologies or being caught up in someone else’s madness and adopting it as my own. How about someday I won’t be preparing arguments for my defense, or ways to beg and plead my way out of something; that day still has yet to arrive.

Someday it won’t be opening up a vein and letting the contents spill onto the page, I still have that tick of shaking my head to dislodge so many bad memories. I know I’ll be better when I’m like E.L. James, talk all the shit you want about “Fifty Shades of Grey” fifty million copies, let’s say four bucks a pop, two hundred million, I would write whatever I want to write. Speaking of which that is the dream, not just in print but in my own voice, to not be afraid to say whatever I want, the things I’m actually holding back Lady Lu.

The thing is my name is already out there, and I think is it the people who love you or the people who hate you is How to Measure Someday.

“Let’s take what we have while we live. I have never had so much as now. All my life I’ve been alone. Many times I’ve faced my death with no one to know. I would look into the huts and the tents of others in the coldest dark and I would see figures holding each other in the night. And I always passed by. You and I, we have warmth. That’s so hard to find in this world. Please. Let someone else pass by in the night. Let us take the world by the throat and make it give us what we desire.” – Valeria, from Conan the Barbarian (1982)

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 058 ~To Be Counted On~

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Counting the days until, such and such a day because I think I’m someday is not a measurement, at least not a good one, maybe I should try for something sooner. “To Be Counted On”, and I mean more than on my fingers and toes I suppose.

Monday, August 28, 2017

Lesson 058 ~To Be Counted On~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear but why aren’t we counting the number of times I’ve said that why aren’t we counting how many rules it’s going to take for the new me, why aren’t we counting the days I can stay upbeat. How about we count the number of missed opportunities, well not really missed perhaps but one friend told me today that I wasn’t in a talkative mood… me.

I’m actually a bit too lazy to go back and count, okay maybe a little frightened, I’m still positive you know “Easy Street” but for the most part I have been counting anything to take me away from, that day, and for once I’m not talking about “Sapphire”, we’ll get to that. So far I have around Sixty-Four rules, and I actually have a plan to have three hundred and sixty-five, which I will later condense into something more manageable. If I was still depressed Lady Lu, we’d be talking in bed but I’m actually dressed, being productive, not so much for society but for myself, as I was telling my friend today, I don’t remember happy but I’m okay and even that’s a guess.

I heard once that idle hands are the devil’s playthings but that also goes to the mind, you remember that lady in the parking lot, was I working as hard then, I have to keep my mind occupied at all times it seems. This is probably what “Okay” was talking about that I wasn’t okay though she surprised me a bit noticing I was a completely different person, there was no drive, my biology was to be damned, and I kept my distance. I did confess to her which is why I’m fighting to keep the power of positivity; four words “Don’t Worry Be Happy”.

Have you noticed that I tend to keep our conversations to four-word titles and my rules to five words, seriously where do I get these numbers for things? Only one number matters at all in this age and that is NUMBER ONE, which explains how I got into this mess, to be ahead of somebody.

“What do you mean, “fuck this Employee of the Month shit”, man? When there’s some shit to be won, Goddamnit, I want it. I don’t give a fuck what it is. Y’know what I’m talkin’ about? I take no prisoners. I go hard doing this shit. Big dog. Big nuts. When names are on a mother-fuckin’ board I want to see my name at the top of that motherfucker and next to it, it needs to say “Winner”.” Lamar Davis

This, of course, brings us to the days counting down to Sapphire, I wonder are we as human beings conditioned to anticipate that day, I have all sorts of feelings. I know I keep saying Sapphire instead of the day… okay, that clears things up and did you know there are no good strip clubs around these parts, that’s sad.
“For you, the day Bison graced your village was the most important day of your life. But for me, it was Tuesday.” Street Fighter (1994)

I’ve been counting the things in my Amazon Wish List, when I’m not quoting the company line “Impossible, Immoral, Illegal, Insane”, let’s add one more I, “Inane” at least to some people, to me, I’m just greedy. How about being pricey, as the song goes… if I were a rich man, besides the “M Anime” says I’m hard to shop for, when did I grow to become so complicated? As far as friends go, I might have a handle on two “Indiana Gone” and “Gospel Girl” which in truth means I’m still doing well, two girls last year so I should call this a win, no not like that Lu.

“What would you do if you had a million dollars?

I’ll tell you what I’d do, man: two chicks at the same time, man.

That’s it? If you had a million dollars, you’d do two chicks at the same time?

Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; ’cause chicks dig dudes with money.

Well, not all chicks.

Well, the type of chicks that’d double up on a dude like me do.

Good point.

Well, what about you now? What would you do?

Besides two chicks at the same time?” – from Office Space (1999)

So besides counting a lack of options on strip clubs, I could go so many places but I have no clue what so ever, maybe I should count them. Maybe I should count the numbers of years I’ve been hanging around but can I trust you with that information… secrets are lies but this is not a secret, necessarily. M Anime got me fired up about food but maybe that’s just because I’m hungry, again I need to keep my hands and my mind full, why not add my stomach.

Didn’t I talk about a blank check the other day, besides avoiding you I’ve been counting up my emails and doing the PCH lotto, now this is easy enough to say, I hate math? I hate having so many options only to make excuses as to why I can’t have what I want, you know “Someday Is Not a Measurement.

 

“I don’t have O.C.D.

I had it when I was a kid,
but I haven’t done that in years.

You were just doing it.
When you walk slow like that.

What are you doing?
Are you counting?” – Elektra (2005)

Speaking of yet another rule how about habits, what about movies, or anything else I have to fill my mind with, I can’t tell you how many arguments I’ve had with fictional characters. Strangely enough being as crazy as I am, I’m a man that can be counted on to a certain degree, haven’t missed a day with you except for those years of hiatus.

Right now I’m 3×5, when I leave the house I push the door five times in circuits of three to make sure Braxton is safe, same with my lock I turn the lock three times, with each I tug five, I wash Braxton’s water bowl three times before filling it and take him outside on a multiple of five, talk about O.C.D. To keep my positive attitude, whenever I feel the darkness I play a movie in my head, I tell myself game info, I work on lists, to keep it all at bay. Just like my words I try for a multiple of five or ten, I know it sounds loony but while people believe I’m obsessing over them I’m maintaining my own life.

“Don’t count the days, make the days count.” Muhammad Ali

I’m glad I have lost count of so many things that have been bad and no I don’t count every single breath, except for Braxton’s every now and again, vet’s orders with his condition. As far as the days I’m counting, Sapphire, fun time, and Okay told me not to worry about any trouble, I feel bad for her, I don’t know how she does it but she knows I’m a man that she can count on, I don’t abandon friends. I’m counting down the time to the end of this conversation Luna, not in a bad way but because I’m counting the time, the pages, so many other things.

So what have we learned besides, I count as to avoid becoming just another number and that I may have replaced depression with O.C.D. or I’m just giving into the O.C.D. more? Zero to hero Lady Lu, I want to make it out of this worry, I want to forget how To Be Counted On.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 057 ~Love A Blank Check~

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Would you leave a million dollars on the street, what would my other million think, well actually Braxton is priceless but I do feel sorry for that dog, and that’s a whole lot of love? “Love A Blank Check”, well I probably would right?

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Lesson 057 ~Love A Blank Check~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear but I did see a million dollars in the middle of the street to today… yeah, probably plenty more than that but what’s important is I didn’t pick it up. Now before you say I’m crazier than usual let’s get to the lesson that’s I would love a blank check.

Ever heard the expression “if wishes were horses…” I’m sure there are plenty of little girls wishing for a horse, now all I ever wished for once upon a time was a dog and through a twist a fate, I got Braxton. Now of course when I started growing up I wanted even more but how I never realized that a dog is a blank check when it comes to love. I mean I never dreamed I could love anything so much and that something would love me so strongly.

“You mustn’t be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.” Eames (Tom Hardy), Inception (2010)

That’s why I will never understand how people just let dogs go, I mean all the love in the world that comes to you on four legs, wagging its tail, wanting nothing more than to be with you. I’m sure I’ve told a Braxton story here or there, the first time my sister brought him in and I asked myself what I was willing to do for him and the answer was anything, not a trace of doubt in my mind. All that love for the taking and I wonder what I ever did to earn it, love wasn’t a prize, it wasn’t something I could buy, though I’ve had $500 offers for Braxton, humanity has always been so silly.

I’ve read “A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than himself” and it just gets me to thinking how I’ve been feeling, crying out for love and he’s like “I’m right here dad”. Again silly, but I like to imagine he would call me dad, I wonder what dogs call their humans, I’m sure he’s only heard my name from my usual guest coming by.

“Welcome to Costco, I love you. Welcome to Costco, I love you. Welcome to Costco, I love you. Welcome to Costco, I love you.” Idiocracy

Love is a fan club, where we are both the idol and the fans, which is probably why I’m looking for something so much deeper, and no I’m not talking about marriage, yet, though if Sergeant Laureline (Cara Delevingne) or let’s face it, Jennifer Lawrence… I’m sure you’re wondering why I am in such a lovey-dovey mood, I’m still trying to love myself while the getting is good, still high.

“He comes in through the kitchen door, wants my dinner and then some more, he’s my idol and I’m his fan, that’s my Back Door Man” sung by Vanita Smythe – Back Door Man (1946)

For the longest I’ve been more of the fan, I did mention Jennifer Lawrence but let me say both idol and fan can be driven crazy, another trait I’m learning is our nonstop vanity. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and all that and being a fan right now I can say with absolute certainty, I don’t care if you don’t like me, I love me, yeah I have been watching too much YouTube lately. Personally, though I have always found it annoying how people say love so casually, I love me for the moment, I love Braxton, I’ll always love my momma but a short list ain’t it?

Being an idol though has it’s draw backs, like with dogs I hate disappointing Braxton, or “Indiana Gone” nobody else really looks at me that way I suppose. Being a dominant sort of means you want to be an idol, and that takes a submissive, the ironic thing is, your servant becomes your master too, now I’m no Christian Grey… don’t want to be except with my bank account. I still find it so funny though, when people turn into Stewie Griffin and act like you’re some holy roller whose life meaning is to worship them other than hey so you’re a hot chick, nice.

“Understand this, okay? I absolutely, positively cannot be the only person falling head over heels in love in this relationship. It’s got to be mutual.” – The Big Hit (1998)

Around this month there has been nothing but girls that want to do me, girls I want to do, and those that think too highly of themselves not that can blame them, I like loving myself and no I did not mean it like that Luna. The thing is when it comes to being a fan or an idol you constantly have to reinforce it like I said Braxton loves me whatever and I’m the same but people are trickier.

“When you like a flower, you just pluck it. But when you love a flower, you water it daily… One who understand this, understand life….”

I wish I could say something so beautiful Lady Lu, but I’ll say that like is your job and love is what you would make a career and for now I have quit my job… careful just in case I have any work friends here. I’ve told you what I believe love happens to be but I will say I was rather impetuous in my youth when I used that word, so I rarely do, except to someone who can’t speak a word to me.

Stupid things I have done when was being a dog, told you about the “Iron Maiden” there was the girl I wrote a song for, one of my girls of the week years back. I bought a porn star a lot of stuff that never got there, her fault, Amazon wish list right, of course, there was tons of poetry too. How about “Wonderland” haven’t scared her off but love can be profitable like too, I bought “M Anime” a katana sword, and I wanted to sleep with her once upon a time, not anymore, yeah I like my friends.

Yesterday I was thinking about insults, not against me for once but I was thinking the worst thing you can say to a straight woman who thinks she’s the shit is yeah you make me want to go gay… how many people have I offended with that? I’ve gotten a few gay offers but yeah I know what I want anyway, so I’m thinking you know me and the dirty talk about calling a woman a bitch and what has today been about, dogs, Braxton is no bitch but a guy calls a girl a bitch but he loves dogs. God that stupid song from Destiny’s Child “Say My Name” but isn’t that inspiration, isn’t that love like is thinking the song up, love is listening to it, making a mental note to download it, and it popping up on your playlist sometimes just because.

“Accidents ambush the unsuspecting, often violently, just like love.”
― from Andrew Davidson, The Gargoyle

So what have we learned today other than the fact that I have a whole lot of love and I’m no thief, okay he was a big dog, a bit too much love for me maybe Braxton is plenty but I have a big heart maybe. I don’t think love is a prize or something that must be earned, all we are waiting for is the right combination, is that deep, Love A Blank Check.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 056 ~Respect/Respeck On My Name~

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To think I have the Will to write this, I swear a day ago I was considering writing a Will, what I have some cool stuff, but I don’t know, Will I lose this positivity, hopefully not but let me feel good now. “Respect/Respeck On My Name” if you please

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Lesson 056 ~Respect/Respeck On My Name~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear but have I ever mention being “Bipolar”, and last night it was like the sky was falling… eww, but today, at least for the moment I’m on a high, no not drugs; I feel good pretty good and I plan on keeping it for as long as humanly possible. Now on to today’s lesson, I’ve been called plenty of things but the name’s Will, actually, Willie but serious, Mr. Willie *sigh* I hated that, took them forever while working but for today I wanted to shout out some famous Will’s.

“Do something to make me feel better.” The Players Club

Will Smith literally saved my life, of course, he’ll never know but throughout high school, my name was pretty much a curse until “Big Willie Style” and from then on everything was that big willy style. What about everything he has said about fear, again last night I felt as though I was digging a grave but now I’m up and between reality and fiction his words have inspired me so, he has to be the first on my list. What about the career he has, I swear I’ve been “Just Cruisin’” for a new role model, and let’s say he’s everything I could hope to be someday the short list?

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity Kitai. Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice. We are all telling ourselves a story and that day mine changed.” Cypher Raige, After Earth

I can’t tell you much about Will.i.am other than I know a bit of his music, and again famous, hanging out with a semi decent looking woman, some women should get over themselves but a conversation for another time; this is about me or him.

“I don’t want to hope anymore. I don’t think we should hope anymore. We hoped enough. Now we have to do. We all have to do now.” – from Will.i.am

I’m actually reminded of Will Traynor from “Me Before You” and I think of one of the most awkward hugs I ever experienced… if I knew then what I know now? People like the half-man I am, the quiet one, but we both know my dear here, I am no half-man, not that I’m exactly better but not everyone can accept life after having lived life for so long one way you know. Life just goes on and you get up and you walk away, well at least I have that option, he, unfortunately, didn’t but I still admire him.

These men know what it means “You Must Always Live Brave” and while they will be tough acts to follow, I’ll give it a shot.

I’ll forever be enamored with the works of Marquis de Sade, he was a madman and most of his writing ended up with him in prison but feel of all the erotica we have out nowadays but again Will’s moment.

As in William Shakespeare, not that is someone I always have to wonder about not that I have anything against his writing, just one day I want to be remembered as such. I just want to know how he did it, especially with something like Othello, maybe instead of a list of my heroes or would be role models I should blame him. If we’re going that route I should blame my school too, I was in a predominately black one until the sixth grade and of course, that’s where I met the “iron maiden”.

William Michael “Will” Schuester, now while I would hate being a teacher, his singing ability… I sang once upon a time you know Lady Lu and the way he could just feel everything and no one judged him except for Sue. Let me also state for the record that if any girl sings me to “Wedding Bell Blues” my answer is yes… is that a challenge, can’t give “Indiana Gone” ideas and if it was such and such asking, I swear I’d go gay in a heartbeat, without a doubt.

Since I know I’m not gay though, what about Will Parry and his dear Lyra, talk about a groovy type of love, part “Boy Meets World”, part “The Wonder Years”, he was only a boy but to have the love of a girl like that. He was the embodiment of great courage, chivalry without the “courtly love” aspect and he suffered more than anybody deserves too. To this day I’m still angry about the ending, I mean you save the world, and the world dares to take away all that he could ever truly desire.

Yeah, the world isn’t always kind to Will but for now, I’m not iron will, or will I lose or anything like that I’m just pure Will and I’m proud.

Not counting my breakdown yesterday, I brought up work when there was always Mr. Willie this or that, too cowardly to remind them because I’ve been called so much worse.

“Free Willy” while the first one was great and the series sort of just bombed I’ll never forget that was a common joke amongst people, Free Willy, which I hated with every fiber of my being. It beats “E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial” because of my big head, really I gave my sister two black eyes, one on two separate occasions, and I’ve always felt like an alien but I can’t stress this enough I feel free. How about Will from Divergent, just tell me he got to sleep with Christina “Zoë Kravitz” for those that think I have a type, I mean I do but a good friend gave me some advice a few days ago, and since I’m feeling all Trump style liberated “Screw Brunettes”.
Now how in the Hell did Willy Wonka end up on this list, the first movie was okay, I’ve never had the interest to watch the second one though because I’m not a girl into Johnny Depp. Running a business though is pretty sweet but I rarely keep chocolate in the house, Braxton is quite the little vacuum but at work, I have to have a Mr. Goodbar, just because.

I would have been remiss if I didn’t put at least one girl on the list and while I was thinking Willow Rosenberg, I went with Will from W.I.T.C.H. what can I say “The Will to Love”. Haven’t we already discussed a song with the name Will though, Wedding Bell Blues could fit a lot of different guys I think? Honestly, girls just aren’t writing guys songs and it makes me laugh, I wrote a girl a song once, one of my girls of the week years ago and still one girl thinks she’s so damn special, well vain much.

“So many strangers on the street
Yeah, nearly everyone you meet
Can´t relate, can´t translate, can´t create. A connection. No.

Easier to keep your distance
Tread the path of least resistance
Don´t engage, keep to your cage, stay offstage
For protection

Then everything changes. She´s there.
Life rearranges.
Winged angel from above
Helped me find the Will
The Will to love… The Will to love” The Will to Love, W.I.T.C.H.

Anyway I would call this a quite positive day already and I’ll have to remember it for the dark days which will be coming, right now the days of Sapphire but for now, what have I learned today… my name is Will of course and put Respect/Respeck On My Name.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 055 ~Don’t Think of Elephants~

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Why isn’t the elephant, king of the jungle, at this rate, I might as well become one of those people that collect cats but as always I prefer my dog if anything he knows when to shut up? Don’t Think of Elephants, how about a mouse

Friday, August 25, 2017

Lesson 055 ~Don’t Think of Elephants~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear but more depression, I’m trying honestly I am and some moments I can zone out completely and forget and others… not to piss off the religious but my head burns so much I feel like I’m wearing a thorny crown. I should also mention I’m not breaking my rule of “Stop Crying Your Heart Out”; vanity comes to mind but there is no heart involved if anything it is sort of taking a vaccine perhaps.

“Okay, this is me, planting an idea in your mind. I say: don’t think about elephants. What are you thinking about?

Elephants?” – Inception (2010)

As the song goes Lady Lu “I Want to Be Sedated”, I’ve actually been looking up how to forget, how sad is that; don’t they say an elephant never forgets? Not that I am one for fraternities or sororities but my mother and sister both pledged and elephants are sort of their thing, that’s a fun fact I suppose for me. Anyway, the fact is the elephant in the room and you know I like animals more than most people so is that why I’m allowing myself to be crushed.

The thing is I’m not Ava Jerome (General Hospital), another rule “I Take My Own Lumps” she got burned, literally but still refuses to accept responsibility, no Lu, I take all the pain and own up but yes it can be a bit much, I just got to take it and I’ll survive until next year; hell can’t I just become a monk? The internet is one big minefield but elephant crap is quite easy to avoid and so I have but I still have to get this stink off. You know something this metaphor is working rather well, that’s something else I have thankfully been thinking about, my budding upgrades in my writing soon.

If I ever get around to it of course, at work I’m already cracking, told “Big Brother” I’ve been better and even worked an extra hour just because. Idle hands are the devil’s playthings but let’s not forget, the mind is a terrible thing to waste; where are the zombies?

Maybe it would help if I just shut up about it but I think it’s like poison, it’s a virus, you can lie down and let it rot you to the core or you can fight, and keep fighting, endure and survive. I said it before, it begins to define you, can’t say I’ve ever been a victim of racial profiling but back in school, how I kept the bullies at bay was the concept of madness, they left me alone merely on the thoughts of what I could do.

When my family cut me off a few years back I sat in an extended stay hotel, that smelt like bleach for twenty-four hours just… I don’t know, and maybe I didn’t eat or drink a thing for about forty-eight hours after. You know what happened, not a damn thing, keep in mind my parents didn’t care, I didn’t have any friends or family that could help “M Anime” is far away and Braxton was with my folks (no dogs allowed) in the place. Keep in mind Lady Lu, my father thought I was dangerous to the family, the most damage I had ever done to anyone was to myself, they were afraid and life went on for everybody else while I sat in a room for three days willing myself to just disappear completely.

“What was done to me was monstrous.

And they created a monster.” V for Vendetta

It’s like a kid who blames himself or herself for their parents, you begin to imagine that you truly are some sort of creature, omen, that you’re bad and it festers and then everybody wants to know what happened. It’s like being Tomoko from the anime “GTO: Great Teacher Onizuka” you make a mistake and then another, and another soon you can’t help yourself and it becomes your life, Tomoko has many friends though. Probably what scares me the most though is Hunter and Evie from Skye Warren’s “Wanderlust” he was framed for a crime he didn’t commit but the reputation of his crime followed.

“Nothing is wrong with me! I just don’t want to be defined by the worst thing that ever happened to me.” Max, Finding Carter (2014)

All these pop culture references, gives me a reason to search the internet; anyway my point is it is these people who call you these things, decide you’re these things, make you these things, cry foul and then live their lives in perfect contentment not once thinking of somebody that they use to know. Oh and another fact, I’ll never call one of those lifelines again, cops at the house and in less than twenty minutes I’m stuffing everything I own into my car driving to a hotel because nobody gave a shit about the elephant in the room me.

“I feel like some elephant who accidentally got assigned to the penguin house. It’s so obvious that I’m an elephant, but people keep coming up to me with a clipboard and saying, “Hmm, you know, according to this, you’re a… you’re actually a penguin.” Finding Carter (The Ever Embarrassed Elf)

The more things change the more, they stay the same, I have a few friends though only one sort of gets me, Braxton, of course, counts as family and doesn’t care what I am as long as I’m with him. For now, since I’m still out to find what I am, it doesn’t matter what they say, terrifies me I’m writing about this but I’m a writer, that is all.

“Being afraid all of the time, of forgetting somebody’s name, not, not knowing… what to do with your hands. I mean, I, I am the guy who writes down things to remember to say when there’s a party. And then, when he finally gets there, he winds up alone, in the corner, trying to look comfortable examining a potted plant.

You’re just shy, Barclay.

Just shy… Sounds like nothing serious – doesn’t it? You can’t know.” – Hollow Pursuits, Star Trek: The Next Generation (1990)

“I Will Have No Fear” right Luna if you knew how many times writing has brought me to ruin and yet I keep doing it, already I can imagine my father. The thing is everybody would have me remain that mouse in the corner, do mice really scare elephants, something to be considered. I’m writing this down right now, a reason I am a writer is that I have to deal with fewer people, however…

I guess it doesn’t matter in the end, life goes on what a headache, at least I haven’t been hearing anything from a makeshift peanut gallery. Is this why I’m writing later and later, breaking yet another rule or I’m just being lazy, work, excuses, yeah I’ll shut up, get up and write and here I am. I’ve even been avoiding reading a pretty decent book, about someone who got hurt in the past, now where have I heard that?

So what have I learned besides the fact, that I can’t get this elephant out of the room, my head and I have no intention of becoming an ivory trader? Maybe I would rather be a mouse than a man, better to be a live chicken than a dead duck but Don’t Think of Elephants.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 054 ~Not Set in Stone~

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Head splitting headache, I would get them all the time back in school because of anxiety, beats praying on the porcelain altar and I wish I could say I’ve been drinking. “Not Set in Stone”, I’m just waiting for someone to say, you blockhead

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Lesson 054 ~Not Set in Stone~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, honestly I don’t want to say I was afraid though fear is a sickness, it’s a long story so let’s call it anxiety, or if you prefer the short version, a bad headache. Things Can and/or Will Always Get Worse, another rule among many that I have come up with today but I know I’m not the only one, as the song plays on Lu.

Should I say that I’m having trouble keeping my head up, today it’s been sort of a cinder block, talk about giving people a piece of my mind if they did some stupid group activity at work? Another way to look at it is like one of those people in a mental institution, I could use something like that, on the other hand, do I really want to keep the thoughts in that are going all Andy Dufresne trying to escape. Other times it’s like a never ending echo and just as I appear to be getting better, the thoughts shoot around like a pinball.

My Lady you know I’m a simple man with delusions of grandeur and considering others, why am I so afraid, at least I don’t have naked pictures circulating, that I know of. Nobody can compare one’s pain to another but intents and purposes I think I understand some of those celebrities involved in another “Frappening”. They have the world to see them and still I look upon my own shame, not that these celebs have anything to be ashamed of, they were hacked and possibly not thinking clearly, I swear the same thread, my head.

In this day and age it’s still the Sword of Damocles hanging above all of us right, Jigsaw before Jigsaw, to be completely honest I had these problems before the Internet existed… what’s my age again? Now I think everyone nowadays only prays for the next scandal to take off the spotlight, sink or swim in a way and I’m telling Rose to let me on that damn door ha.

When I was in the sixth grade I fell for this girl the “Iron Maiden” she had cancer once upon a time but anyway, before the digital age I was still playing the young poet.

So I intended to woo her, it would take days, a week or two but I wrote her letters and played my own messenger saying I was acting on behalf of someone else, which I would in high school actually for other “gentlemen”. Of course, I let my biology get the best of me and rushed revealing myself and let’s just say, humiliation ensued so when a guy like Roosh V says to imagine the worst case scenario and it won’t be that bad… wrong because I’ve lived through it over and over. It’ll go away but that’s what I thought was supposed to be good about aging, that you forget sooner, geez Luna why am I still thinking about this? Isn’t that today’s lesson that things are not set in stone and yet with college files, the internet, and everything else, it’s always there.
How about if we look at this from the other side, remember the first Frappening with Jennifer Lawrence and you know I’m a fanboy there, without question. I’m a bad man Luna no denying that and I felt so bad for her, I mean after all she was a victim, but that didn’t stop me from collecting all the pictures that I could. She’s ashamed the pictures got out and they are going to be there forever, scour the internet clean, how many hard drives still have those pictures. It’s easier when you’re the one doing the burning and the salting and when it’s not you grin and bear it wondering what people think of you and when it comes to Jennifer, I liked her before, I like her now.

“Six hours ago, I was ready to give my life for you. Do you know what has changed in the last six hours?

No.

Nothing.” – The Matrix Revolutions (2003)

My point is Lu that while our feelings can change, some things clearly are set in more than stone that can’t be erased and we simply must live with them, that’s why a bunch of stupid notes are still at my old school and people have pictures of Jennifer Lawrence’s boobs all over the place.

How about all those Confederate monuments, German people are ashamed of the Nazis but Americans celebrate them and the Confederacy. Speaking of celebrations, you know I couldn’t leave out “Sapphire” you know what that stone represents right and it’s coming faster now, I hate it.

Some things need to be torn down, destroyed but you know I would never ever say that about words, from my own writing to others because this is not Fahrenheit 451 or Newspeak. What about the walls in my own mind, this has been a time of my great fear, happens every year and now I’m just holding out to the end of the month, maybe I’ll forget more, be more open and everything else. For now, my feet are like lead but my will is iron, and write now the stones that have hurt me will help build up my blog all the more, hopefully, less depressing, big dreams.

As far as Sapphire is concerned, I remember high school, nearly on the day another person, a teacher tore me apart, yet another reason I hate the coming Sapphire. “Indiana Gone” is doing her best, I might try to have “Gospel Girl” over, and “Okay” well I hope she is, to be honest. I should truly take stock and be grateful for everything that I have, every year it surprises me, I’m still around here.

So what have I learned today other than the fact that it ain’t my heart it’s my damn head that’s heavy that I am living just not to think… does that make me a Trump supporter? Stone is nothing compared to what remains of us but it’s still there but we would do well to remember Luna our lives, all we are in this place is Not Set in Stone.

Lesson 053 ~An A Musing Line~

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Stay in line, keep your place, single file, being a fan somewhat of the Sith, Empire, First Order, Saviors, and others I can’t say that order is a bad thing, knowing your place and all. An A Musing Line, yeah I want to know where I’m going.

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Lesson 053 ~An A Musing Line~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear… well, not much anyway but the day is still going strong and as I found out “Inspiration Doesn’t Need A Map”, yes just one more new rule in a long line. Sure the straight and narrow path may keep us safer but there is so much more to life and from the looks of it I might still have a long one, now to do.

Other than worry I mean, today feels a bit better than yesterday and that was better than the day before that. It’s not too often I get those visions of things that could be; today I was like any other parent with the exception of my kid being on a leash, while all the two legged kids made their way to the bus stop. If things were better but here I am actually collecting bottle caps like something out of the Fallout franchise, I’m screwed.

Anyway, about today’s lesson, I’ve never been one for a quick witty line but more always know your way out. As you can probably see Luna I’m pretty lost at the moment, same with my poetry, I have no idea what I was thinking other than that Matchbox 20 song and yes I’m still censoring myself. I suppose there is a difference between living each day as though it were your last and thinking each day might be your last.

Every day I go into work and have to ask myself, do they know, will I be punished, how long was I like that after “Senseless”? What was the last day that I was truly proud of the life I am “surviving” that’s just it isn’t it, I’m not living and I’m not alone when it comes to that necessity?

Education, the pursuit of knowledge is also but as I watched that long line of schoolchildren this morning I couldn’t help but be reminded of my own school days. What about the neighbor’s new dog, have I failed that other dog they had, this is what happens when you try to stay in line there comes a time when you just have to get out.

From what I can tell, life is just one long path, one long line, doing whatever they can to escape the grave and everybody thinks they know better. Lead, follow, or get out the way as they say but first, you have to know where you’re going and don’t tell me to fake it till you make it, that’s just another way to get lost. Personally, I don’t want to be lost anymore and while I may be paranoid that doesn’t mean people aren’t following me, hence today’s blocking activities.

I don’t know what happens next but I keep walking away, hopefully with my head up, with no worries, though that seems to be all my friends these days. I was talking to one friend this morning and when I got to such and such a part of my story she said “Well…” I completely understand that though and of course “Indiana Gone” is firmly entrenched on my side. Even in my lifestyle, it frightens me some when people and Braxton think I’m someone to be followed, my road is better off a lonely one.

Everybody else I suppose tends to agree with me on the other hand, it’s lonely at the top and if you want some confidence or inspiration for today, that’s where I’ll be, all the way up. Until then there is just one foot in front of the other and contrary to popular opinion I’m not following anybody for anything now.

The thing is though I am sick of staying in my place and I mean that in a variety of different ways, maybe that’s some of what my OCD is about, everything has its place but not me. I want to step out of line, cross the line if anything I’ll do better next time but have I learned anything?

“Don’t make my mistake, kid. Don’t follow orders your whole life. Think for yourself.” Antz

I spent my life like most of those kids, walking to the bus stop, waiting, doing what was expected of me and where did that get me, Luna, where am I? Just another guy waiting at work, towing the line, knowing my place and in turn tell me where that gets me. Again another line trying to eek out an existence, gathering the tools I need to survive, for Braxton as well, one line another.

What will my last line read and I won’t even get to write it myself; “Reasons to be a writer” will make a debut, I’m serious. Today though looks like I didn’t scare the cute redhead, of course, I don’t think she’s ever seen me before either. More line won’t hurt with some and with others, hell they don’t deserve another line, coming from me.

So what have I learned today other than some lines are better than others; some of these lines, well they just wow… Anyway, someday I’ll be the one everyone will be lining up to see maybe “An A Musing Line”.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 052 ~The Timing of Inspiration~

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A paradigm, a type, and from that I am inspired to create something but while my fingers are in the right place, it’s always the wrong time, that’s what she said and I still hate that joke to this day. The Timing of Inspiration, timing is everything.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Lesson 052 ~The Timing of Inspiration~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, like a drunk man facing his own firing squad, or is that not creative enough for you; can’t say I’m feeling this way myself, so courageous. Today is certainly better, proving a bit of another rule I came up with “sometimes, you may even forget” or I’m just being lazy?

I didn’t dream of anything though, dreams themselves can offer up plenty of opportunities for inspiration to come land in my lap. That will be today’s lesson, so first I ask the question what inspires me and the safest answer would be to say everything. I mean how many ideas do I have in the coming days, Cousin Skeevy, a number of novellas, how about an introduction page, a new blogging book I should read?

“I’m responsible for nineteen of the twenty top-grossing films of all time.

Nineteen?

Yeah, the one about the kid, by himself in his house, burglars trying to get in and he fights them off? I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit.” Serendipity, Dogma

Honestly a few nights ago I was reading through one, I haven’t written a review on and I could barely keep my eyes open, and money-making is a wonderful thing or so I once thought but then here we are. I keep saying one of these days I’m going to write down all the reasons I want to be a writer, another one might be vanity, and speaking of you’re so vain… that’s another bit of inspiration I’ve been thinking about, writing speeches to God who cares anymore like something out of “Collateral Beauty”. Now see I like that, movie and the concept because in a way My Lady you are my collateral beauty, while my poetry seems to be collateral damage in a way.

“Don’t ask me about being a writer. If when you wake up in the morning. you can think of nothing but writing… then you’re a writer.” Sister Act 2 (1993)

Yet another rule I came up with “Whose Right to Censor You” I mean really no more free rent inside my head though yeah I still freeze up from time to time. Maybe I should look to some writers as role models and not the Marquis de Sade, someone wrote he was the freest soul that ever lived but I still have to live here.

In addition to creating a new list of rules to somehow govern myself, I have been looking into a code here or there from the past that I adhered to.
For example, the code of chivalry, specifically the idea of “courtly love” and before you even ask Luna, I haven’t been in love forever or had sex either which explains going for broke from time to time. Remember “Sweetness” and that’s all I ever was to her but a guy can’t win can he, and I don’t think anyone ever excused Sigmund Freud of being a gentleman but it’s all about understanding right? How about that line I never gave “Senseless” yeah that would have gotten me fired for sure, not that keeping my distance did land me in trouble.

I’ve looked in on Bushido, The Laws of 8, Ingsoc, Brave New World, Robin Lefter’s Laws, Fight Club, and I could go on for quite a while, oh and how about Zombieland? I’m getting to be like President Trump, I need to look at The Constitution and maybe The Bill of Rights but how in the world do you defend poetry, oh nobody is special, I got a book of a hundred poems I wrote by the pool, of the five I wrote about The Winx Club while I was on X, how about the one that literal quotes Ellie Goulding’s “Love Me Like You Do”, or to my shame the ones I wrote during the “Harmonic War” just disgusting.

Something I still struggle with, my big sister (not actually related) told me you can’t build a strip club next to a school… anyway, I see her point but that doesn’t negate the fact that I’m a dominant. Personal and professional life Luna, need to keep those separate and while again I’m writing new rules, there is one that remains in my BDSM file and that is “For Me, You Will”, simple. I did write out a bunch for my novel “Some Assembly Required” which I will be working on, starting next month editing but those rules are more sinister.

Now I’ve mentioned that I can find inspiration in everything and while I was high but women, my drug if not by choice but by biology and god how we pay for it. I wish I could just write about sunshine and lollipops okay no I don’t but inspiration only works if you’re beautiful, rich or have a depressing life story to share oh wait…

“Do you know what I am saying? If you’ve got a girl, and she kisses you, sooner or later you’re paying for it. You’ve gotta take her out to lunch, take her to a movie, and then spend time listenin’ to all her stupid problems. Look, look at Stan right there.

He’s gotta sit there and listen to her stupid mother-fuckin’ problems ’cause she kisses him. If you ask me, that’s a lot more than the five dollars my company charges.” – Butters’ Bottom Bitch

Honestly, I don’t see how Taylor Swift does it, though those guys probably ended up with her for a moment, they probably wouldn’t mind any publicity. How about a dude that became more famous because he pissed Alanis Morissette off, and how many shows have ripped off that moment in time. I censor myself though, but probably the bigger problem is I have so many ideas bombarding me and my job is plenty enough scary.

“Well, you know, Henry Miller said the best way to get over a woman is to turn her into literature.” 500 Days of Summer (2009)

You want to talk about inspiration, you want to talk about vanity; I’m freaking scared, nearly petrified, that every word is being twisted, I’m vain enough to believe someone is reading, their vain enough to believe this is a personal attack and a sign of crazy. I see and I create, I feel and I create, I am not what I create because chances are I could never be, impossible, immoral, illegal, insane, I am definitely going to have to make another rule soon. As for right now, all that matters is the work, my novel has fourteen women that I have never met in life as inspirational pieces, and yet… no, it doesn’t even matter anymore, in the past.

So what have I learned today, I could write out all the new rules but that deserves its own entry Luna but today I realized that inspiration cannot completely be contained but simply endured, enjoyed under the right circumstances. Is it what inspires us or what we create because of or in spite of, such is The Timing of Inspiration.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 051 ~Not Easy to Be~

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Being me, of all the horrors seen and imagined I would not wish to be me on anybody, and every day I remain myself and not the monster some would have me to be, trust me some thoughts make me appear to have the face of an angel. Not Easy to Be at all

Monday, August 21, 2017

Lesson 051 ~Not Easy to Be~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, and no it’s not easy to be me, not easy to exist right, not easy to continue when honestly all I want to do is cry, beg, scream, yeah I need to refer to my rules. Yes, I’ve been coming up with rules left and right today and also I have been thinking so much that I don’t know who I am, and people telling me what I am, I have completely neglected to say what I know I’m not.

1. I Will Have No Fear
2. You Are Not a Caveman
3. Now The Work Can Begin
4. Hate Will Keep You Alive
5. Love Is Worth Dying For
6. It’s Worthy of Your Soul
7. Stop Crying Your Heart Out
8. Anger Is Better That Despair
9. Satisfaction, the Death of Desire
10. Make Words Bleed, Not You
11. Live Life According to You
12. Medicate for Your Protection, Yours
13. Power Is All That Matters
14. I Will Go the Distance
15. I Take My Own Lumps
16. I Am a Man Remember

These are in no particular order just how I came up with them and I’ll be adding plenty more, I still don’t what’s going to happen to our conversations in the next month. Luna this is a time of great fear, of shame, of humiliation and I have always found a way to survive but that doesn’t make them any easier to endure. Remind me to write that down someday, how I survived that bad November, or YouTube, college, I swear the list just gets longer and longer sadly.

“Villain am I none. Therefore farewell. I see thou knowest me not.” Romeo + Juliet

Lady Lu I have done some things I’m not too proud of, things that I regret, things that I may not have understood at the time and I have apologized. I have also admitted that my rage along with some lust has a tendency to get out of hand, to vilify me and somehow to terrify others, I try Lu, you know I try and then, I don’t know. What I cannot fathom is how people build this version of me inside of their minds, seriously in high school three boys made up a story, the principal took one look at me and let me go or how about when I was arrested and a judge looked at me… is it just a woman thing?

See it’s that right there, that’s what makes me look like some typical asshole, and the thing is being a typical asshole with this face does not fly with my current problem. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve said before “Indiana Gone” along with the other ladies in my orbit will call me on my BS, without question but this problem ain’t new and that’s sad.

Will I lose my dignity, as the song goes, I think I already have and I’m hoping that’s the end of it but then tell that to my writing. Will someone care, other than Indiana Gone, nope at least not on my side of the divide and see that’s fair.

Will I lose my dignity
will someone care
will I wake tomorrow
from this nightmare – “Will I”, cast of Rent

Tomorrow scares me as I’m sure it does many others if I am truly this evil creature everyone seems to think I am, it should be a club somewhere maybe. All I ever think about is everything I have to lose while everybody else cries foul and continues with their lives and again this is fair of them. I was watching this movie “Me Before You” this morning and to see a man lose his ability to be the man he was *sigh*, how dare I because he was good.

Luna will I lose myself to what they will make me out to be… no, let me make this point for you, I refuse to be the obsessed lunatic they would make me out to be. I refuse to be considered some sort of stalker, perv, predator or whatever else just so they can cry victim I’m not those things at all and I never will be. I hit my sister once and you know what that makes me, a child and my “father” whipped my ass and I’ve never so much as touched a woman without consent since then.

I spanked a girl when I was a kid too, and while plenty of people congratulated me, my father again sat me down and told me women were to be respected. Now that being said my “father” and my mother; anyway, let’s focus on the good because there isn’t much of that when it comes to him and me surely.

It’s my turn to be scared, it’s my turn to be humiliated, the good news is my family wrote me off a long time ago and Braxton can’t read. I take my own lumps if that means putting my fist in a locker if that means stomping my food as if I can crush the bad memories, or continuing to look like a damn fool I can live with that.

“”That’s the bad guy.” So… what that make you? Good? You’re not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don’t have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth. Even when I lie. So say good night to the bad guy!” Tony Montana, Scarface (1983)

It’s my turn to be the loser, as if I will ever stop being the loser, what’s my age again, don’t remind of what’s coming up Luna, but yeah meltdown right on schedule. It’s my turn to make a choice, with the Harmonic War I was defending my work and I burned it all to the ground, but with this, I have come to the simple conclusion as with most people, this ain’t worth it. Hell, I remember she got all upset and I couldn’t even bring myself to look at her words, I simply turned away that was Cowardice or my part but this is Providence I feel because the anxiety is killing me.

It’s one thing to make someone want to run, it’s another to make them stay down but I’m still standing and just saying whatever, no defense, again my work was attacked and it was my worst but having the fire to write again, thank you. I need to thank you too, Luna, for being there in my time of great need, the power of words always prevails doesn’t it, or maybe a need of vanity. It’s my turn Luna, or as the Saints would say… this is our time now, let’s get this shit started, two blogging books down, plans in the works, getting ready.

So what have I learned today, more rules of course and that I know with all my crimes the only person that’s ever been hurt is myself, if that’s not being selfless then I don’t have a prayer. Speaking of prayer Luna, neither of us are the praying kind but I pray to whatever power is out there to protect my Braxton every day, so I ask you, Luna, to pray for us, these days it’s Not Easy to Be.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 050 ~A Comedian Died Today~

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Bad days and a Mad Season, the sun isn’t helping, if this happened tomorrow I might actually say it was something astrological but no just people being people and me being me and we all need to stop. “A Comedian Died Today” then again?

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Lesson 050 ~A Comedian Died Today~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, I Will Have No Fear, You Are Not A Caveman, Now The Work Can Begin, yes it lacks the zing of the motto from “1984” but consider them part of my new philosophy on life. Speaking of life, “Marquis de Joker” is not dead but that smiling, scared idiot, that I was today surely should be, again who am I angrier at, myself or the General Manager, freaking “Big Brother”.

“War is peace.
Freedom is slavery.
Ignorance is strength.”
― Winston Smith, George Orwell, 1984

I’m a dominant Lu but today all I can think about is being punished for my fear; I remember when I was a boy in school when you got into trouble they would make you write sentences a few hundred times. How else can I do it, drugs have been hit and miss with me and they don’t solve the real problem, I have to fight this fear on my own. What do I have to be afraid of My Lady, tell me, what do I have to do to be rid of it; I swear I’m trying, but when the moment comes what happens…

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson

Am I now… I am no one for faith but I want to be as Morpheus said “truthfully unafraid” and I didn’t feel any of that today, I allowed myself to feel inferior and weak, who needs white supremacy when I do this to myself all the time. I was disappointed with myself because of two stupid men… well one of them was me and the other was “Big Brother”; I’d say I can’t wait until our next huddle but for what, so I can shrink away and just become more insane. Fear paralyzes you, Luna, I see it, I feel it, I can’t move, I can’t think, and in the eyes of everyone you just shrink, but more over I was stuck.

“You are not stuck” Ezekiel

I think I finally see what one of my coworkers was saying, I’m always running, isn’t that a bit of a contradiction, I feel stuck but then again I must learn to stand and fight. Yes, I said fight, not with fists yet… but with every breath, every word, every look, which leads me to my next new rule Luna.

“Now I bet you niggas do think y’all white. College don’t mean shit. Y’all niggas and you gonna be niggas forever… just like us. Niggas.

You’re not niggas.” School Daze

You are not a caveman, you are not inferior, you have a voice so goddammit use it, and if that means going completely Newspeak on your vocabulary then so be it because you are not so clown. Yet another reason I’m not losing the pen name because I think I’m hilarious, what was I thinking today, if we had a huddle “I have little patience for people and no patience for stupid people” how’s that?

“To say “I love you” one must know first how to say the “I”.”
― Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead

I am better than the man I was today, without a doubt, I may think all those people at work are stupid but at the end of the day this is about me, how I want to be and while I’m finding so much power in that word how about words I shouldn’t say any more. Hey, Sup, anything that’s not even a word at all just a grunt, and while silence beats stupidity I have a voice, my voice and I could barely hear myself. What about the laughter… I explained once before how I got the name Marquis de Joker because the truth and a joke are synonymous.

“When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.” 1 Corinthians 13:11

This is some truth for you, again a contradiction, you know my fandoms but part of the reason I behave as such is that maybe I still think of myself as a child with no place, what is a child’s word worth? People get drunk, get high, I remember a few trips to the dentist office where I would say whatever and not think about it, we are so much like children that people can laugh at the truths we speak, or in my case, I laugh before to keep from saying them. It’s like a virus, “Indiana Gone” laughs all the time and I can understand why but the thing is a man has to be a man, and I should be.

This morning started out with such promise, and then I left the cave, no I didn’t I carried it with me, I allowed myself to be thought of as a child, to behave as a child, to be disappointed in myself because I gave a rat’s ass, what Big Brother thought of me. A caveman goes out and does what must be done but that’s survival, not living, not evolution.
“I can shoot the wings off the back of the fly!
I’m ready!” Wanted (2008)

Now the work can begin, that’s evolution, that’s courage, manhood, fearlessness but I still have my day job but I almost did it. I was thinking about all the things I wanted to tell you Lu and my boss came in and I had one word written down, do you know what it was… “I” all I needed to add was “Quit” and there’s freedom.

That man, that ass clown asked me, when I didn’t jump at his offer for more hours, did I have another job, what else did I have to do and do you know what I said? “I gotta see about a girl” would have been nice don’t you think, “Good Will Hunting” and all that again I have to learn how to do that thinking in real time. No, I told him, I’m trying to write, does that make me a writer, am I a writer now, wouldn’t be the first time I crossed swords with someone over my budding career.

It only got worse from there when I confused “stop on a dime” and “on the fly” thanks to my social anxiety, you know what helps with that, being mad as hell, one of the reasons I like the Dark Side of The Force, fear, and anger right? If that’s what it takes Luna, I told Indiana Gone that too, at least with my anger, I know exactly where I stand the only thing now is to turn it, less at me and more for them, haven’t we talked about my temper and my hate? I’m the one who’s dying though and today more than ever showed that while that sniveling, shit for brains I was this morning deserves it, “I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!” Network

“Once more into the breach, my friends, once more. We’ll close the wall with our dead. In peace, nothing so becomes a man as modesty and humility, but when the blast of war blows in our ears, then imitate the action of the tiger, summon up the blood, disguise fair nature with rage and lend the eye a terrible aspect.” Kevin Costner, The Postman (1997)

So what have I learned today, that maybe I needed my ass kicked, maybe I needed this humiliation, I need people like “Miss Seasons”, Big Brother, a host of others to laugh and snicker, to reject, to criticize, to ridicule, I need all that noise to truly start and hear myself, heal myself. I Will Have No Fear, You Are Not A Caveman, Now The Work Can Begin, I don’t mean this to be funny anymore, because didn’t you hear Lu, A Comedian Died Today.

I Will Have No Fear
You Are Not A Caveman
Now The Work Can Begin