Tag: Love

Lesson 177 ~ Medicate for Your Protection, Yours~

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I remember when I gained a pretty good drug connection thanks to my “Olds,” and I didn’t appreciate it back then, now “good” drugs are kinda expensive but to be fair, I wouldn’t be medicating for the right reasons. Medicate for Your Protection, Yours

Monday, December 25, 2017

Lesson 177 ~ Medicate for Your Protection, Yours~

Twelfth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, this isn’t the twelve days of Christmas for if it were, I would find myself locked in an insane asylum but then again here I am talking to you. Strange that the traditional white room is for everyone else but the blank white page is for me, and this is what I mean by medication for me.

Medication, Meditation, Meditation, sometimes they have been choices and others times forces beyond my control, I still remember I would dance when I would flush the meds my “father” would give me. Okay so this isn’t sounding so much about Christmas, but the truth has always been a gift, and like life itself sometimes I wish I could return it, get a refund, read the reviews of what other people have thought about it. Other people, anytime I have tried to kill myself it has been all for other people, and that’s the lesson, my life, health, and death have always been for those people.

When I was on medication, even to this day it’s not been me I’m ever worried about, I hurt, I suffer, and when I am getting well it’s to make them fill better and not me. Maybe that’s why I’ve stopped with the meds; I told Indiana Gone that I would fill so angry afterward because those pills were making me not be me. I could tell you about some chemical or something, but people did the damage, and then they expect me to find the cure, and even my death would just make their lives better, or maybe it’s like how they talk of suicide I might hurt them.

Maybe I don’t need a cure; perhaps they are the symptom of a sick, sad world, suppose I am the cure, but I give myself too much credit don’t I Madam Justice? Tomorrow things will go back to normal, and again I will be stuck with the truth, I’ll have me, just one day and didn’t I say last night that I need to have faith that ‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right!’ as Bob Marley believed right?

Speaking of music though I won’t belt out love is the answer or even a problem a few funerals won’t solve. The point is if I want to get high if I want to fix whatever’s broken, if I want to be well, it shouldn’t be for anyone else… now, Medicate for Your Protection, Yours.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 171 ~A Spoonful Of Sugar~

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“WebMD” is a friend to no man, and yet we’re all big babies when we get sick, and no my mother isn’t here, and the dog can only do so much to comfort me, but God bless him for trying. A Spoonful Of Sugar, she doesn’t have to be, “Mary Poppins Y’all.”

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Lesson 171 ~A Spoonful Of Sugar~

Dear Future Wife,
No Fear, if WebMD just happens to be right for once and I’m dying well… you’re my angel, and this must be paradise so I’ll do everything to stay with you now. Even if I feel like Hell at the moment, you give me fever, “I’m addicted,” and love hurts sometimes, and that’s just a fact baby.

Ooh, baby, baby, I won’t ask you to stay, I’m not sure what I look like or if I won’t be running around every ten minutes and I’m sure I’m the one being the baby. My love, you brought life into this world, and here I am praying for the hour of my death, and at the same time, I’m burning, freezing, coughing and sneezing, queasy and nauseous, but you’ve seen me worse right? I can’t imagine how you are seeing me now head in a bucket or curled up in the fetal position, maybe locked behind some door now.

You couldn’t save me before, and I’m not asking for you to keep me now, so what am I asking; of all the things I could ask a beautiful woman and as I said I wouldn’t ask you to stay and I won’t tell you to go. The golden rule maybe because if you were here instead of me, I wouldn’t leave you alone, I know my place would be at your side even if you hated me seeing you in such a state. I guess I’m just not used to anyone wanting to look after me and I try so hard, to be so strong, and now I can’t even pretend anymore, and yet you’re still here with me.

In sickness and in health isn’t that what they teach, forsaking all others but we got bills to pay and sometimes a man has got to be a man, a husband, a lover, a friend, a father and so many other things. My woman, wife, lover, friend, mother to our children and how can I ask you to be my nurse or indeed anything else.

Only you’re the one making me take my meds, cooking, cleaning, holding my hand, singing to me, bringing me back to life and that is difficult for me to accept. A bitter pill to swallow but I love you for it, you don’t have to kiss me though, I must look so gross right now but A Spoonful Of Sugar.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 164 ~Love This Election Year~

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I’m no leader, well at least of a country, and while I have plans for world domination, what is one life but the world entire and to think my love is king a dream until I find her. “Love This Election Year,” in what galaxy far, far, away is that hmm?

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Lesson 164 ~Love This Election Year~

Dear Future Wife,
No Fear, no fear, if we took a poll whether I would ever find you, if we belong together, that you would say yes well there is only one word for here and now… Hope. In what place but your heart could I win, in what world but the one we have made together. In what galaxy far, far, away could one man, one woman, say yes and that be a lifetime commitment, an appointment, duty, honor, privilege, reason, my wife, your husband, friends, lovers, greatest fan.

The greatest fan of your life as the song goes, and “Your Love Is King” you sing, “Angel” I would call you, and “How Long Will I Love You” because there is no term limit when it comes to us. A Whole New World we could see together and yet every day I feared to go the distance because it is one thing to be a president, a king, to be just a man, but whatever I am, was, or hope to be I just want to be yours. I still remember how I must have looked, what crimes I must have committed, and the people. Can you believe it, I wouldn’t bet on that, she said yes, and et all was quiet and still until I heard it from your sweet lips, saw it in your eyes, and felt it in your dear touch.

Sometimes I think it doesn’t even matter anymore what becomes of the city, state, country or even the world because I know where I wish to stay, free and at the same time hopelessly devoted. How lucky am I that you chose to love me, that you let me love you, that all the stars we can see aren’t enough, that every time I’m with you I feel like I’m blasting off to some distant planet. One that needs two suns because it is not lucky enough to have the light which is you. Cities bathed in color in an attempt to match your beauty, which is captured in my eyes every single day love.

So let the world end, or maybe we’ll be lucky enough to see how Star Wars ends at some point, and this love will still be the best thing I never voted for but chose. I don’t need to be anything more than your man and while you’re “Perfect” and you might spend forever trying to convince me why I still thank you for choosing me, Love This Election Year.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 161 ~Hurry Up And Wait~

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What are you waiting, she’s not coming to me anytime soon, neither are millions upon millions of dollars or a legion of adoring fans for a book signing as of late. Hurry Up And Wait, NaNoWriMo was last month, and I think I’ve relaxed enough

Saturday, December 9, 2017

Lesson 161 ~Hurry Up And Wait~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, age is nothing but a number but that number is getting bigger and bigger, and you know some people say to think of it as leveling up but what happens when you level up in a video game? How many times have I just wanted this game to end, not that I’m retaking the suicidal route contrary to popular opinion, hell as if that view is worried about me honestly?

Take a few days ago, my general manager is concerned about me, how I felt like I was right back in school; “It’s Times Like These” I find out how rational a person I am. You see he’s more worried about himself and the rest than my mental health, getting over whatever possible affliction I have going on at the moment. You know me, Luna, I have a million excuses, which again shows why I’m so late talking to you another time, today should have been better considering no work.

That’s what I have to get over, work and that means I should be writing more but instead what have I been doing, what’s today’s excuse… Blue Balls. If anything that is what I’ve been waiting for the longest; to take a page from The Matrix Reloaded vis-à-vis love and of course there is still an opinion, my parents, family, dog, friends, etc. Now, of course, you probably think I’m talking about the love of a woman in a happily ever after sort of way but what comes to mind at this particular moment is loving myself. No, I don’t mean the thirty plus minutes I spent in bed thinking about getting an ice pack for my junk for relief.

Hurry up and wait has only been another excuse, leave that to others but not for me, if you want a car you don’t wait for someone to give you one, you get off your ass and work. You want to eat, it’s the same thing, what about being an aspiring novelist and what about falling in love? No, my dear Luna, this is just a reminder that I have to get up and work and stop thinking about tomorrow, there is no tomorrow, live like there’s no tomorrow, oh yeah that has to be a rule without a doubt.

What I have learned today is even if I can’t keep my head up out there… not yet, I shouldn’t have it down here, just looking at my dick, waiting for a release that I can’t give, no more, I won’t Hurry Up and Wait.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 157 ~With Honey I’m Home~

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When I say hello to most people it’s a little obligation and when I say goodbye to those people there is nothing good about it, I genuinely wish I’ll never see the likes of them ever again, but when I first said hello to her. With Honey I’m Home

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Lesson 157 ~With Honey I’m Home~

Dear Future Wife,
No Fear, though honey I’m home seems a bit cliché, but so many hours talking to people I wouldn’t waste a hello on but with you, do I owe it to you or do I just love you so? On the other hand, I don’t tell you goodbye either, when it’s just the dog, and I ask him to be good, I remind him I’ll be back, to think when I take a step to leave him I’m heading back home already.

I know I’m not the most energetic person, “Good Morning” person, or have a good day, the walking in the house type of person, you’re here, so I’m happy, I don’t lie, and the last time I checked I live here. Maybe someday I’ll be greeted with “daddy, daddy” the children will regale us with stories of a better world, I’ll always read them stories before and bed and tell them goodnight before I find my way to you love. Goodbye though, the words have never bothered me because with you there is just no such thing, I’ll see you later, I’ll be back, how about I love you *sigh*?

Maybe I have high hopes for the world or higher aspirations for us that I can walk in and find you lying on our couch or in our bed and just snuggle up next to you? My name on your lips as you hold me close or we see each other next, for once that is something I would look forward to because everyone else just wants to take me away. In the morning or n the night, three little words are all I require if that because you’ll be the first thing I see when I wake and the last as I rest, who needs another cliché, just saying?

If anything I need to ask how I’ll speak to you at all, will it just be hello, hi, hey, Ha Ha, yeah my vocabulary is somewhat limited and honey… nah I can’t picture myself saying that though it would be nicer when strangers become friends and friends become lovers. Your name will mean so much, and beautiful will, of course, have a new meaning in the dictionary, but for now, I’m only trying to make my way to you.

When we’re together though; okay, one cliché, home is where the heart is so maybe when I find you there the first time, that’s the first and last time I’ll start With Honey I’m Home.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 150 ~To Reshape The World~

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If you asked me the last time I took a vacation, give me books, my warm bed, at most a trip to the movies, why do I need to go anywhere else, besides the fact that I might want to find her so the both of us can run away together. To Reshape The World

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Lesson 150 ~To Reshape The World~

Dear Future Wife,
No Fear, live brave, for what could dare stop us if we’re together, as the song goes:

“And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid
Like I love you.”
the song Something Stupid

Which makes jumping out of an airplane look pretty sane if you ask me, and it might ask scare you to ask me more. Indeed I may scare myself. Don’t get me wrong the sight of you in a bikini as we lounge around on the beach, the sight of you before my eyes at all is a trip to paradise to be sure honestly.

If I don’t remind you enough, you’re an angel, a goddess, sitting on the couch watching a movie with you does the trick, as I would call you as they did in Willow “you are my sun, my moon, my starlit sky,” my choice in movies right? How about my choice in adventures, I’m not the biggest fan of “Lord of The Rings” or “The Hobbit” but going to New Zealand is something I never imagined I could do or would do, but when I’m with you… While everything says I wish that the bed was just a little bit bigger there is a lot of Earth out there and please don’t make me burst into Aladdin my love because you know I just might.

We’ll go to Disney World and Disneyland, and I’d like to think we’ll be those types of parents too, and here I don’t want to be like everyone else, but maybe I’m still a traditionalist or just a middle-class American. We might even escape together somewhere far away, travel the world, I’m not sure, but I want to be with you through it all and don’t they say that home is where the heart is? I could write from anywhere but isn’t the point that I’ll have my hands somewhere else than my keyboard, pen, tearing my hair out constantly.

I want to hold your hand as we walk every inch of this world, I want to see you before the greatest wonders of this place and still delight that I find not one of them, as amazing, as beautiful, as love, like you. I want to be with you in every way I can have you as if we’re telling “this one time at band camp,” stories just everywhere else. Could it be that I just want to show you off, would that be such a bad thing, maybe I just want to be sure that I’m the luckiest person alive as with our mere presence in it, the two of us may begin somehow To Reshape The World.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 143 ~You Want A Medal~

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The dog needs me around though I don’t know why he stays, maybe he sees something I don’t and nobody else does but maybe someday “she” might or so I ask myself why I still believe. You Want A Medal, maybe something pretty, three little words, a ring?

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Lesson 143 ~You Want A Medal~

Dear Future Wife:
No Fear, for that alone you probably deserve one, though I don’t know if I would be quite pleased or somewhat worried because you might be just a little bit crazier than I an. Do I need the incentive to love you, no but should I explain why I do, I suppose it’s indeed fortunate that you chose to love a writer but do I have all the time in the world?

I’m sure I will tell you every day, not just because I want to or need to, so many words in the English language and I can’t help but wonder who chose those three but why will I say then, because you’re you… Could I do just as well with I want you, I need you, I believe in you, would I want you to explain such things to me and what would be your incentive? I wish I could do as Elton John and write you a song or any of the plethora of things he mentions and I will do what I can do regardless but to quote another song “fear is the heart of love” scary huh?

The things any man would do to keep you and yet here I am the one and I think you’ll have to do everything in your power to stop me. Take my hand in yours to stop me from buying pretty much everything your heart desires because how I want to believe it is me… You’ll have to shut me up with kisses, who knows, on one hand, you’ll be saving my life because my heart might be right out of my chest and on the other I can’t breathe.

You give me everything reason to love you and I’ll always believe that you deserve more, I’ll reach for you in the night, I’ll tremble, when the house settles I’ll still worry not about some bill collector, or thief, well maybe the woman who stole my heart. How some think calling a man a dog is a bad thing, I might always have this thing they call puppy love for you, hopeless devoted, so sad.

Already I don’t know if that’s too much or not enough but after all, you are still here beside me and I just have to ask, You Want A Medal?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 136 ~Today Was A Fairytale~

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It’s a love story baby just say… Will, no I’ll probably be the one that has to write it until I find her hand in mind at least for a little while. “Today Was A Fairytale”, at least the day I wrote about for a moment

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Lesson 136 ~Today Was A Fairytale~

Dear Future Wife,
No Fear for I cannot say I’m an avid reader of newspapers, the internet constantly bombards with the headlines “the world is getting worse” … I suppose that’s why I chose to write about beautiful things. At least I will try but there isn’t a word for you, and though I attempt to pick out your qualities in my library, I attempt to mimic the words of Shakespeare, Neruda, and Rumi, whatever is a man to do?

I Love You should be enough but somehow it seems never to be enough to be with you and just say that and maybe that’s why I’ll always be reading. Now I can pick every dark erotica I know but why is it that I’ll be the Peeta to your Katniss, Tobias to your Tris, Dante to your Beatrice, Evan to your Cassie, don’t spoil it I’ve only read The 5th Wave and seen the movie. Maybe that’s what this love is, I’ve seen the movie but I want to know the book, the series, every word, line, empty space that is you and that’s what makes love complicated right?

I hope the world will get better but I think I will introduce our kids to stories of courage, bravery, of a world less mad than this one but I can’t say I will be a fairytale father with a princess or a prince unless we count Star Wars. Maybe there is a story here or there that I remember from a sliver of my childhood “Corduroy” by Don Freeman for example. We’ll never be the type to be Fahrenheit 451 unless we’re reading it and maybe my work will change at some point, though you might have a Hell of a time convincing me not to burn it, every so often, good luck huh?

Not even The Bible, though this isn’t a hotel room, even then much like Lord of the Flies or The Moonstone, three books I could never finish, nothing will be as forbidden as my own work in the end really. If anything I look forward to the day the words will flow so easily from my heart to my fingers and more importantly my tongue.

If you ever need a reminder of that, it might actually be the first nonfiction piece I’ve ever written but now Today Was A Fairytale.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 135 ~It’s Worthy Of Your Soul~

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How much is my soul worth, do I still have one available at all, am I too busy worrying about this life and what about the next… if I was a man of faith. It’s Worthy Of Your Soul, I don’t know what “it” is or where to find it, a tall order.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Lesson 135 ~It’s Worthy Of Your Soul~

Sixth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear but the idea that I may not find whatever it is I’m searching for; can I give you thoughts or suggestions, sure but what do I feel? Sometimes, just like my heart, I don’t think I have a soul and if the Devil wanted it and I could name my price… well hmm?

To quote The Darkness “I believe in a thing called love” but I think even Faust made such a mistake am I right; I’m not even sure I believe in such a thing as soulmates, though I would like to. What about writing… the fact that I’m still holding back, with exception to my novel but with our conversations I still can’t just be me but then again what am I protecting, could it be a soul. Vengeance, of course, would seem to suggest that I don’t have a soul at all, thus how could I sell my soul for such satisfaction and we remember that rule do we not?

I actually wrote out a contract to Satan… don’t know how old I was but the only thing that stopped me was I abhor “my” bloodshed but trust me if it would work that would be another thing like having a button that could just end everything. There was also a time in my life where I believed the meaning of life was a song “seek out a kingdom worthy of your soul” but why seek something that I could create right? How about this, being the greedy son of a bitch I am, wanting well everything I suppose it’s up to me to decide what is worthy isn’t it?

I would never say that about my job but what wouldn’t I give for the little dog sleeping at my feet this moment. The fact that I went out for 5-hour ENERGY shots and Powerade, shows how much my writing means to me. The question is, what is a soul compared to a life, compared to a heart, or anything else in this world truly.

That’s the lesson though, the catch, maybe nothing is worthy and it’s our job to make it so that when we look back on all we have sacrificed we can see it as such. As a dominant wants a submissive, a writer and his story, I need to create, know, It’s Worthy Of Your Soul.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 129 ~Know You Mean Will~

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I know you mean well when it comes to me, sometimes I even hate the sound of mind own name but “Will I Love You” would honestly be pretty new for me. “Know You Mean Will” but there are other things I just can’t deal with, even from a lover.

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Lesson 129 ~Know You Mean Will~

Dear Future Wife,
No Fear and I know you mean Will I love you but there are some things you need not do, though you probably will and it will break my heart to see that I hurt you in some way. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself, dreaming of breakfast in bed with you, when all I will ever need is you by my side every morning, everything else will be anxiety after we leave; I’ve never been one for coffee but tea helps.

While I will spend every day of my life loving you, there is one we never need to discuss, if anything that day led to us being together but the first day of my life… It’s just not to be celebrated in any way, I know you look at your own as a blessing perhaps, I’d be counting my lucky stars if you felt the same but the hope of being with you is enough. Just one day out of the year I wish I could forget and while I long for three little words, there are two words on that day that don’t exist.

Am I a fool for letting you into my head, if anything love is insanity and so let’s lose our minds together and not worry about everything else. I don’t remember a vow saying we need fix one another, but rather for better or for worse, in sickness and in health and I don’t plan on leaving you anytime soon. My father, however… you and I have a family of our own, a bigger one someday, whatever will I tell the dog but while I respect your father and ask for his blessing, not permission, that irks me for some reason, you needn’t concern yourself with my family “Issues”, you got them too as the song plays on and on.

Don’t tell me it’s going to be okay, I know I would never lie to you and you wouldn’t to me and I know you will mean “Will, it’s all going to be okay” but those are words I can never believe. Even if I ask you a million times are you okay I don’t know if I will ever be but tell me you’re here, tell me the world will end and you’ll still be with me, tell me the truth or say nothing at all, just wrap your arms around me and stay.

Because I will know my love, this I will believe, and my love I do truly Know You Mean Will.

I Will Have No Fear