Tale 262 ~Love Lies, B…eing Virgil~

Breathe in and out. It’s a simple thing. But I got the paperwork from the vet’s proving how hard it is. I have more than enough from the Day Job, doctor’s office, and my dad. I hope to have some for a bigger family. Hmm. Love Lies, B…eing Virgil

Tuesday, March 19, 2024

Tale 262 ~Love Lies, B…eing Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… And it hurts sometimes. Good morning to you. But pain, fear, and missing my boy.

The things that get me up in the morning. What about love? It’s at the core of everything, my love. But I know what you’re asking. “What’s Love Got To Do With It?” With us?

Before we go any further, is that today’s tunage sent by my Braxton? Please! Ha-Ha! Neither is the zombie ambiance that, by the day, is more and more of a habit to listen to while writing. Why not listen to you, my beautiful wife? I love you. Those three words.

Always, always, I long to hear them but there is so much more. So much that it overflows, overwhelms, and overtakes me. And all I’m trying to do is keep breathing for a moment longer.

To hear my Braxton breathe.

But what about you, our children, Virgil, all the things I’ve built, all we’ve created? Dearest, “Hey Lover,” I’m being bombarded by the winds. Even now, they’re turning my pages… Not literally! I usually read on a tablet. There’s the sound of Haley playing, trying to blow away the sounds of the dead with her “Hurricane.” There’s in and out…

Breathing, my love, I wonder.

Why? So I hear, I love you. And I do, my love, always and forever. I will always mean it. But it is the same for my Braxton. It didn’t end when he lay in his bed and fell asleep.

Like father, like son, love.

I’ve been a fan of The Walking Dead forever. But when Braxton joined the Dead…

Where he goes, I will follow. But not this time, because there’s all this Air. How do THEY say, water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink? Air, Air, everywhere, and not a want to breathe. But because there’s love? To think those that I love would outnumber B.

And if I were to lose you or anyone, especially by my hand. Is that why I lie here, love?

Isn’t that what took my Braxton? The day he needed me, I wrapped him up in my arms and slept away the humiliation, heckles, and hatred of all those who would draw breath. In particular, myself, the man in the mirror? I miss my B III’s eyes looking towards me.

Yours? Love Lies, B…eing Virgil

1143 Days Without B III, Day 584 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,

Tale 255 ~Spell Manhood, B, V~

Don’t crying to your Mama. Cause you’re on your own in the real world. I swear I hear that song every day at the Day Job. And here I am, nearly 40 and ready to text mine because… You wouldn’t believe it. Where’s my pride or mind? Spell Manhood, B, V.

Tuesday, March 12, 2024

Tale 255 ~Spell Manhood, B, V~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… My spelling could be called into question. My courage, too. Even this very existence, love.

But my love for you should never be in doubt despite everything. I’ll even include the loss of my son. I love you. That is the correct answer. And yet, I remain full of questions.

Since yesterday? Try, 1136 days ago. But Monday was a particularly hard one. And you know what I do with a hard one. Eww! Well, no! You like my sense of humor. And what was it that Marilyn Monroe said? If you make a woman laugh and all that. My love, I’m trying to figure out how to provide. Please! Isn’t that solved, considering billions?

Existing isn’t the problem. Living is. “We’re the ones who live.” Of course, I would be one to quote “The Walking Dead.” A dead man.

And what does that make you? My Sabriel, my Michonne, one of Jacob’s, Grayson’s, or Eddie’s girls. I swear! For my love of pop culture. I started my day reading “Backyard Dungeon 7.” Because I don’t love what’s going on outside in our backyard. Braxton?

Yeah, my firstborn would have something to “bark” about that. And what about the front…

That’s what I’ve been thinking about since yesterday. Besides Braxton, wondering where my bravery is and giving into, boo… I mean Cantaloupes. Critics and censorship can be as spoiled as our children, if not worse. But who am I to talk? Husband, Father, Owner, Man…

A Monster, Ahh! My Love…

As the song goes, “I wanna be your man.” Ha-Ha. But what Braxton sent today…

My son tried. “God” knows he tried. All the moments when I thought I had become a man. I didn’t chase those moments… necessarily. But nevertheless, they came, my love.

The first time a girl let me… I thought, yeah, I’m a man. No! It meant I officially like girls.

What about the first time I got into a fight? I’ve never been to war. But the mere act of breathing for me… Not that I mean to offend fighters, warriors, or soldiers. But my manhood? War never changes. The fight never ends. Yet I look out the window and… I want to call my Ma. Well, text because I am without courage. And manhood.

There’s you, our children, Braxton, Virgil. Spell Manhood, B, V

1136 Days Without B III, Day 577 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,

Tale 248 ~Hear B, Hear V~

I don’t know what kind of man I am. But for this week, at least, I would be glad if I could be a voice. And what would I say? When did I last say I love you to anyone besides my dead fur buddy? And no one would understand it. Hear B, Hear V

Tuesday, March 5, 2024

Tale 248 ~Hear B, Hear V~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… If there’s one thing, I want you to understand. It’s that I love you, Always.

We’ve only just begun to live, as the song goes. I should find another way to communicate other than with pop culture references. As if you haven’t been hearing it all this time, my love. Braxton didn’t care. He understood me in one way, but you are much different. Right.

Braxton knows me as his father. And to you, I’m a… uh… fine man. But you both know me as a friend. And I’m sure on many occasions, I was “Daddy.” Do you know what I am saying? Because that’s what’s been bothering me since last week. Not being understood.

And I don’t know how to say what I need to say. Ever. The why should be easy, my love.

I love you. That’s all.

So why do I continue to mourn and grieve for my Braxton? I don’t know how to say goodbye. You’re a testament to that as well. You’re here. That’s how we live, isn’t it, love?

I’m here, we’re here, they’re here. We all are right here. And I don’t know how to move on. I need the words to move people. Even if it’s good or bad at this point. I need to communicate. And when someone tells you, you’re inappropriate and irrelevant, my love.

Why do you keep speaking? I ask myself every time I look in the mirror. With enough money, what I say is OK. I use others’ looks in the businesses I run. But please listen.

I love you. Please understand!

But I miss my boy. I miss B III. And I don’t see why that is so hard to understand, love. And as far as 2V, my love? I took responsibility. Friendship, love, and happiness? Understand that I wish I could be the man that I once was. I don’t want to remember the child I was. And then there was Braxton. Now, I’m trying to figure out everything else.

But our love. And not only that, but anything and everything nobody wants to understand. Or it’s me. I can love plenty without loving myself. I’m ain’t happy. And I shouldn’t say I am happy for everyone else. But I’ll be glad if you’re happy, our children, Braxton and Virgil. Understand? Hear B, Hear V

1129 Days Without B III, Day 570 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,

Tale 241 ~Virgil Loves To B~

Ask me the type of man I want to be. A good one, godly, one that is gone? I wouldn’t leave my family, but it was the other way around with Braxton. And did I tell him to go? Not in so many words. But Virgil’s here, alive. Virgil Loves To B?

Tuesday, February 27, 2024

Tale 241 ~Virgil Loves To B~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… I love being in love. But much like the Marquis de Sade’s views on lust.

Love is in everything, everywhere entire. Well, not if you’ve turned on the TV and looked at your phone. Then there’s your husband. I often compare myself to a zombie. However, I’m not “gone” yet. My boy still is —my B III. And I still feel that he’s out there.

Braxton’s love? He and I are still connected, like father, like son. As the song goes, “No, there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do. To make you feel my love.” While I’m on a musical kick, what about, “And I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that.” What?

Give up, my boy? I did, and I didn’t. I wish I could still blame my hand. But that doesn’t explain my laziness right now.

Three years ago, I was writing plenty. I wrote two tales, both for my little boy. But for what? Hmm. How often have I prattled on about B III, and you’ve been here to listen?

And it was only a year and some change. I was putting cash down to save Virgil Vivi. Saying it like that makes me think. What an insult! Since I couldn’t save Braxton. Or us?

I love you. You are my life. And if I ever get back to the Red Rising series, you’ll be my Eo saying, I must live for more. But I do live for you and our family. And yes, I make sure Virgil is still breathing. Because if something were to happen to me, love…

Would anyone even notice? Again, it’s like I’m a zombie. A time-traveling zombie. Now, that is an idea worth exploring. But not now since it’s Sunday, February 25, 2024. That means The Walking Dead is coming back. Well, “The Walking Dead: The Ones Who Live,”

Today, am I doing that? It’s a hard thing bringing back the dead. How did Jesus get it done? Oh, I can hear the holy rollers now saying he is God. And what about the whole God is love verse? And I’ll give you one more musical verse… “He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus.”

Or she… You’d love to bring me back as a friend, lover, husband, and father. Virgil wants to be a dog. Virgil Loves To B

1122 Days Without B III, Day 563 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,

Tale 234 ~B’s Price Tag, Virgil~

Love language? I should focus on quality time. But what do I spend all my time on? With my pop culture references, you’d think I’m an expert with Netflix and Chill. And how much is Netflix? What about my boys, books, and balls? B’s Price Tag, Virgil.

Tuesday, February 20, 2024

Tale 234 ~B’s Price Tag, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… But love’s not free. Sade sang, “Your Love Is King. Anastasia made it Christian’s song.

And as much as I agree that love is no prize. No. Love is a gift. But very expensive, sigh.

You can thank Mr. Dink for that one. Have I gone to buy a bunch of new gadgets yet, my love? As a billionaire, I know my tax refund must be enormous. But I’ll stick with Doug and not politics. And who pays the cable, satellite, and internet bills? I’m a man, aren’t I, love?

A very rich and wealthy man. But in my past… Hell! The businesses I’m running. Healing, addiction, obsession in all things sexual. The things we do for love. The price.

I don’t know how much my Old Man paid for Braxton to this day. Now Virgil Vivi Bradford was $150.00.

But my firstborn and then our firstborn. I swear when I first thought about money… Everything came back to power. Money is power. But in the face of love. Nothing.

There are billions of dollars, baby girl. But if I didn’t have you. Our family, children. Inevitably, the money would not be enough. But what more do I have to spend, save, and sell? Today, I’m thinking about time. How much time do I spend not loving? Well, myself, anyway.

Hell! I’m a billionaire. No! We are billionaires. “But you’re a terrific person. You’re my favorite person.” And I ain’t Bill… You know, from Kill Bill Vol. 2. But right now, I feel like The Cable Guy, my dearest love.

I’m not making sense, but I’m trying, love. I’m trying.

I want to be real. Only it seems that I pay for one illusion after another. I don’t pay for fun, fucks, or freedom. Of course, “Freedom Ain’t Free.” These days, I pay to feel.

How much did I spend? All so I could continue feeling sad about my boy? I’m sad about Braxton every day, but I was looking at all the books I’ve read so far… I’m ashamed. There’s way more about getting out of this world or the world I wish to see. But you’re here, love.

And the price to stay. The price just to keep going. I love you, and you love me. But the illusion and the realness. I make bad financial decisions. Tag love. B’s Price Tag, Virgil

1115 Days Without B III, Day 556 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,

Tale 227 ~Tomorrow Will B V-Day~

I’m 39, which I hate. But I would’ve loved it if my son saw 19. Happy Birthday, Braxton. But there are so many days that involve people, sigh. And tomorrow is all about love, which has come and gone for me. And what about 2V. “Tomorrow Will B V-Day.”

Tuesday, February 13, 2024

Tale 227 ~Tomorrow Will B V-Day~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… You have my forever. But, uh oh. Guess what day it is. Happy Birthday, Braxton!

I know you’re asking yourself how many days belong to my son—counting 1108 now. And how long have we been together? That’s a dangerous question for a married man to ask. There are a lot of those going on three years. And still, my heart grows, my love, daily.

That should be more than enough reason to get out of bed each morning. Because I love you, our children… I’m still working on me. And I can’t promise you I’ll get there, my love. I’ve hated myself longer than I had my son. Have I mentioned I hate thirty-nine?

And there’s so much left to do, love. I could do my John Mayer impression. “One thing I’ve left to do. Discover me, discovering you.”

But you have your day. Hell! You have a lot of them. You probably rival my little furry son’s love. Only, can you let today be his? Am I asking you? Hmm. Or am I trying to be some alpha male, better known as an asshole? But no. I’m only a grieving Dad, missing my little boy every single day.

I don’t even take today off. I spend two days crying. But on the day my son came to be. And here’s something to bake your noodle. Sunday, February 13, 2005, is the day I chose for him. I never got an answer on Braxton’s birthday, but it was sometime in April. That’s when I met my firstborn son. And every day after… our tomorrow, always, forever… Valentine? Braxton was/is a saint, amongst other things.

And, I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved. I know you still do. As I you, my love. Hell! Even the playlist I’m making, John Mayer, Lewis Capaldi, Muse, and I can go on. I told Braxton I would find him a mom someday. And now Virgil is here. And I didn’t know what day I would find him. Or the day I would see you, love. But I keep telling everyone I’m here. But that’s a lie because I’m seeking my little B III today. Always.

It’s like something from The Big Bang Theory, “Emily or Cinnamon,” ha-ha. Words of love for my firstborn, for you, and so many. Even Virgil and myself? Today, Let It Be. Tomorrow Will B V-Day

1108 Days Without B III, Day 549 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,

Tale 220 ~Braxton and Virgil Financial~

Sons, sustenance, and sex… I also buy a lot of books, kindle, and audio because people suck. I need to buy speakers. My playlists are “Fire…” No! But I’m burning money like I did B three years ago on the 4th. Not cool! “Braxton and Virgil Financial.”

Tuesday, February 6, 2024

Tale 220 ~Braxton and Virgil Financial~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… And seeing as how we make more money than Jesus. And ain’t that pretty blasphemous?

We should go and see The Book of Clarence again. Or if we stay in, we could watch Brewster’s Millions. In God We Trust, right? And yes, I tend to spend money like it’s going out of style. And I haven’t talked to “God” since Braxton passed. Even mercy cost

Today, which would be… Friday, February 2, 2024. I was going over the books, darling. Yes, I talked to Sophia about my ever-growing Study. I have to finish “Exodus” for my weekly read. And no, not the Bible book, but the one written by Imogen Linn. And then there’s still Red Rising, which is good but long.. Or I’m lazy. Braxton? Let’s say mourning. And I bought Satan’s Sorority Girls 2 the audiobook. The money I’ve given Eric Vall… sigh.

Three years ago today… Gospel 220 ~ Will’s Sound Of Silence~. All I could hear was the sound of my sobbing. And there has been plenty of that today. But most of this afternoon has been the sound of me trying to empty our accounts. More books, more books! There has been the tick-tock of the clock as I waste so much time. And what about Virgil. He’s the one that reminded me where some of our cash should go. How To Be A Man

Not a father because he is not my son… That’s a cruel thing to say. Isn’t it? When in Rome.

I mean, I took him in. I’m not sending him back. But the expense, love…

I’ve defined love before. But what about the term priceless? That’s what Braxton was, is.

And this time last year, Saga 220 ~ Don’t Worry Your Life Away~. There’s always money.

But for Braxton, I would have spent everything and more. Even if I didn’t have it, I would have found a way. Whether rhyme or crime, right? But what about all I have right now? I want to believe that a man is more than money. I mean, with us, that’s always been the case. You’re no “Gold Digger.” Well, unless we’re talking Red Rising again. I “love” books. I don’t burn them. But I love Braxton. And on Thursday, February 4, 2021, I See Fire. Love and money burn. Braxton and Virgil Financial.

1101 Days Without B III, Day 542 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,

Tale 213 ~To B Okay, Virgil~

The last time I felt okay… It depends on how you define the word okay. For most of these 39 years, it’s always been a response to an order. But then Braxton wished he’d be okay, so I would be too. I hope he is because I’m not. To B Okay, Virgil.

Tuesday, January 30, 2024

Tale 213 ~To B Okay, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… I want us to be okay, to be good. We gonna be “Alright.” Like Virgil?

Because without Braxton… I hear these words echo in my head… “Death is your gift.” It’s what I woke up to as I dragged my corpse out of bed. Then, I shut off the alarm and went back into the darkness. The longer I stay asleep, the longer I don’t bother the world. And since you are my world… It’s an effing excuse, for sure. But it’s also a favor.

Except when it comes to my Braxton. Yesterday or any day ending in Y. I was thinking about how best to honor him. Well, other than keeping my promise and failing to achieve it again.

I will “BE VALIANT” Being The Man My Son Thinks I Am. I want to be the person my dog thinks I am. I’M NOT!

So what comes next? If I had been BETTER before Gospel 213 ~Will “B” Seeing You~. It wouldn’t be necessary. I would be thinking about what to get him for his 19th birthday. Instead, all I could do was keep him with me three years ago. And then, well… love

TRADITION! As in me complaining about putting a man in the dirt. My granddad, to be precise. Saga 213 ~Hard Enough, Hearts Have Cages~. And I said I’d rather be working. It was working my Day Job and the rage I felt there that would kill my son B III.

My indifference with him to hide my fury. My indifference when it comes to you, hiding my grief. Good Luck.

No, I can’t hide my sadness. Not this week. Hell! I’ve cried three times, and it isn’t even 10:00 AM. And tomorrow, I’m going to be anything but okay. And going on three years now…

So, as much as I want to fix things and ask you to stay, it’s as confusing as my first love with my son. Sigh.

I asked him to stay. But I wanted him to go if it were better for him. And if it hadn’t made the decision… Is it any wonder I want the ones I love in collars, leashes, and chains? Pretty wifey and dogs? Not funny. I’m going to cry again.

But even with buying three black dog toys and movies? I’m pretty effing’ far from okay. To B Okay, Virgil

1094 Days Without B III, Day 535 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,

Tale 206 ~Virgil’s Gifts, B Present~

I might have to lay off that hot sauce I decided to try. Or maybe Jack’s sold me a drugged-up cookie with their effed-up chicken tenders. I suppose it’s that time of the month, though. Eight days till Braxton passed. “Virgil’s Gifts, B Present.”

Tuesday, January 23, 2024

Tale 206 ~Virgil’s Gifts, B Present~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… But now is not the time for (cue SNL joke.) Or “A Wrinkle In Time.”

My mind can be a silly, scary, or sexy place. But last night, there was nothing but a series of nightmares. I can’t even remember anything but the premise. I need your help, please, Daddy.” Braxton didn’t make an appearance. And I felt so weak, calling out for my father. I’m glad we have billions, so I no longer have to call him. What kind of man would I be at 39, calling for him because I can’t provide or handle my business? My love.

Sigh. “A Wrinkle In Time…”

Where did that come from, right? I’ve never read the book or watched the film. But with everything else in my existence, I believe it’s Braxton sending me a sign. Beyond the grave… Comfortingly… Creepy

Anyway, seeing as how we are heading into his last week three years ago… Gospel 206 ~Willing The Days Away~. Never a more fitting title for the story of my life. But aren’t we talking about “A Wrinkle In Time?” With all the holidays and presents I’ve missed back in 2023. And now? Oh, now I want gifts! Well, I’m not getting Braxton back, love. What about last year? Saga 206 ~I Don’t Know Isn’t Stupidity~. I gave some words to Cherry. It was an effort to see her Yabbos. I can’t even think of her big pillows or yours. Ha! But again, I’m getting off the subject; the movie B was sent to me after yesterday’s nightmares. There were 3 gifts in that movie, right? Comedy comes in threes.

It’s the magic number since Braxton is still alive… somewhere. He’ll always be my B III, but staying 15? This year, he would be 19. But okay, the gifts for what will be B’s memorial.

  1. The gift of my faults. I continue to blame myself for B’s death. Uh, yeah, I killed B, sigh. But what about Virgil? Have I learned anything that will save him? I don’t know.
  2. The gift of my command or Braxton’s. Either I feel stupid or crazy. Both? I was talking to Braxton’s Aunt the other day, and she got into some good “stuff.” So, listening to B. What does he want me to do? I don’t know
  3. The gift to see… maybe. Virgil’s Gifts, B Present.

1087 Days Without B III, Day 528 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,

Tale 199 ~Boy Meets B… V~

Boy Meets World. “God Knows” I didn’t see the end of Girl Meets World. And at this rate. The Last of Us Season 2, GTA VI, or seeing one of my books out. Every day seems like a mistake, like losing or finding my boys. My dreams? “Boy Meets B… V.”

Tuesday, January 16, 2024

Tale 199 ~Boy Meets B… V~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… And you love me. A MISTAKE? The way I MOURN, MOUNT you, and being ME.

I didn’t dream about my son for once. But don’t worry. I’ll find a way to infuse him with this. I always do. It’s like my negativity when trying to be positive. But Braxton is love. Anyway, last night I had a dream about Boy Meets World. And yes, I watched a bit of it on Instagram. This wasn’t a “divine” intervention like Fifteen Million Merits. B III sent that, I know. I’m not letting that go. I mean, it’s years old, and oh yeah…

I’m getting off the subject again. So I dreamed of Boy Meets World and was at the Day Job. Shawn and Topanga’s wedding was getting ready to start, and I was hopelessly lost. The store grew bigger with every second.

But wait a minute… Shawn and Topanga? She married Cory. And that should have been my first clue; it was a dream. Also, the Dad from Smart Guy found me. And I still didn’t dance. I didn’t dance at B’s Aunt’s wedding either, for good reason. But not right now. So, the million-dollar question is this. What did it mean? I’m already running late today. Doing any research. It’s whatever I can pull out my… Anyway, everybody plays the fool.

We all make mistakes when it comes to something we love. So I believe. Inevitable. Pornography? Years upon years ago… When my Olds got a new computer, I wasn’t permitted to touch it. Ever! To me, it was a paperweight. Until one fine day, sigh.

As Todd from Succubus Lord would say. It’s like a child finding all the parental controls have been switched off. On that note, we’re watching our children’s screen time, correct? With what I do for a living? I don’t want them getting into that sort of stuff, legal or not, looking up things like Teen Topanga. She’s not THE Topanga. But my, I can pretend. Speaking of pretend love, Virgil is still here. I still haven’t told him I love him. And with what is coming up soon. The day that Braxton left. Virgil is not a mistake. But I should have thought it out a lot more. And then there’s me. Did you think I’d stay this way, love? Mourning? Boy Meets B… V.

1080 Days Without B III, Day 521 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,