Tag: Anger

Lesson 060 ~My Work Release Program~

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This is not a test but it’s also not an emergency either, however, I did have a bit of a release today a sigh of relief as of sorts but who knows what tomorrow may bring, the days of Sapphire. “My Work Release Program” no life should be a prison

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Lesson 060 ~My Work Release Program~

“You know the funny thing about morphin’? You don’t appreciate it till you can’t do it anymore!” – Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie (1995)

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear and I never thought I’d say this but work was actually liberating today and no I don’t mean my dream job but the day job for once. Of course writing is a sense of freedom which is what I told “Okay” though to be honest I’ve been terrified, still am in a way but how many times have I quoted Cypher Raige, to you Luna.

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity Kitai. Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice. We are all telling ourselves a story and that day mine changed.” Cypher Raige, After Earth (2013)

Work is Hell but when it’s all you know… am I grateful, money, security, indeed life as I know it, maybe it makes sense to keep my mouth shut you know? I said once it wasn’t fear that was holding me back but maybe common sense, and I don’t know where I’d be without it, embracing a fear to actually combat a danger that is quite real. My father is that danger and while I hope one day to be fearless and face that danger, I will stick with freedom.

This type of freedom at least, where would I be without it… well, it’s been sixty days since this new beginning, truth be told I wish I had kept my mouth shut, and in the days to come, I will. No, I’m not abandoning you again Luna but I’m onto bigger things, not necessarily better but bigger, if I’m ever going to get anywhere in this life. When I’m talking to you or truly writing, I don’t know whether I’m signing my own death sentence or this is truly my liberation, it could always be one in the same right?

Anyway, this is today’s lesson, work, and release; isn’t that the dominant way, you’re given power for that gift you give something in return and then let go of everything and you and yours are much better off. Maybe you just throw yourself in prison willing only to be released and what happens to most after they released, they wind up going back, easily enough.

“Thank you, but I prefer it my way.” Andre Baptiste Sr., Lord of War (2005)

Sometimes you hang on to something so long, you forget how liberating it can be to just let go, if anything it depends on the thing but I got a lesson in that today, not to mention I’m getting older. My mom would tell me I have a tendency to take my “grievances” out on those who never erred, and I agree to a certain extent, that’s not right but we talked about the experience.

For example, I was so angry with someone today, maybe I was just tired and hot, and hell I’ve been on edge as of late. So anyway I’m leaving, and just sitting in my car and this person says I dropped my shirt, seriously that was it, I said thank you, went and retrieved my shirt from the street and all my anger just left, okay I was cooling and resting but environment considered, I made the choice to let my anger go. Why was it so easy, time heals all wounds… ten minutes sheesh, that’s like a record for me, and the world didn’t end, of course, there is always tomorrow, the day after?

“Oh, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at its zenith when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us.” – Ralphie

That’s the problem isn’t it, the moment you let go, the moment you think the lion sleeps is when you become grade A beef. Talk about having some beef right, but if it helps any wasn’t Facebook started because a guy had a grudge and why do you think so many horror movies are just monsters with axes to grind or trying to live again? How would it feel if everyone just let all that “energy” go, why do you think that society spends so much trying to numb us?

We are given the energy to work, and when we’re finished, whatever lives inside of us, I don’t know, but as they say, hearts were given cages for a reason, and brains are surrounded by white walls. I don’t think I’m alone in my reasoning but that’s part of the reason I’m here talking to you because what people think.

Anyway I am breathing a bit easier, can’t get soft though, can’t think everything is okay and at the moment the tea is helping, I’m becoming a big tea drinker now. This is yet another one of those times though I wish I could be a typical guy, sports, drinking, women, yet another reason I’m a writer… seriously am I even starting to write all these reasons down at all.

As I said I’m getting older but not much has changed, when I was back in school, I’d do whatever, then come back and just pass out, sleep has always been my number one go to, except for “Senseless” but that only lasted a day. What would it truly be like to just let go of everything, sleep just puts it on the backburner and here’s another thing if I let it go today it will still be there tomorrow because people are people. Maybe it’s not so much me letting go than being Atlas and the world just keeps getting bigger and bigger and when you drop it, the consequences, how to cope 101.

A prisoner is released and finds that there is no longer a place for him, not trying to sound like those late night/early morning commercials but men can no longer be men, same with women, the whole human race. The Purge doesn’t say be human it says to “release the beast”, now, of course, I’m not a villain but look at the violence, look at other methods we have to be… I don’t know to make us what passes for normal. Then we have my writing, my conversations with you that have led to everything else, so you say “I hope you feel cleansed” and do I feel that honestly?

If we’ve learned anything, after this, I’m usually tired, I feel drained and we go on to the next day, sometimes better, sometimes worse, I wish there was a better release but again I am not the typical guy. I’m just me, my life today, wish I could have done better, these papers won’t be so long after tomorrow I’m on My Work Release Program.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 047 ~Need You to Roar~

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The road not taken, the things I should have said but considering I don’t die in the next couple of days, I can go to work and I can still have my chance in the end, maybe. “Need You to Roar”, because I just have to

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Lesson 047 ~Need You to Roar~

Now I’m not one for talking because honestly most of you aren’t worth my time and why waste my breath anyway. It seems I have enough people speaking as if I can’t speak for myself every single day, Will says this, Will is thinking that Will does that and for one thing that needs to stop right now because this is what Will really is thinking about all of this.

Will is thinking all you people ever do is complain, “I’m tired”, “I’m hot” how about “I’m gainfully employed”, I hate my job too but at least I’m not constantly complaining about it. Will thinks how cool it would be if you would just shut up for once, instead of spewing all that hot air as if you stop talking then you would stop breathing. If Will was one for complaining, Will thinks it would be better if we didn’t have to listen to Beyoncé all the time or that we take turns, with the music, maybe bring back the headphones rule or anything truthfully.

I mean when Will’s dog barks at least he’s making a contribution to society and is doing his job to the best of his ability rather than wasting everyone’s time. Speaking of time, unless you want Will to specifically to train someone or one of you managers is sending someone to help Will, don’t have people getting all in Will’s way. If Will needs help he’ll ask, he’s never been shy about the things he’s capable of or asking for clarification on certain aspects of his job as they come.

The fact that Will has to bring this up in front of all of you rather, that one manager at a time sort of shows that I think most of you that Will is trying to save time. Oh and as I previously stated all this Will this and Will that needs to stop immediately because Will no longer has the time or patience to deal, just being honest okay.

Speaking of honesty, whatever this conspiracy is that Will needs a friend also needs to be shut down and don’t tell Will that there isn’t a conspiracy, since Will himself has been called into the office on occasion to keep an eye on some person. This isn’t elementary school where everybody needs to get a flipping Valentine’s Day card, Will isn’t here to make friends.

Will noticed over the past few weeks, certain employees trying to make a conversation and okay Will could be wrong, maybe people are just bored. The thing is your boredom is not Will’s concern he just wants to do his job so why the sudden interest in Will’s life, again the idea of some sort of conspiracy. It is also unfair somewhat to give someone fewer hours and then feel you can just call whenever as if people don’t have plans it seems if someone were so dependable they would not be given fewer hours in the first place right?

To reiterate this is not grade school or high school, being friendly maybe be a job requirement but being friends is not. Liking someone is not a requisite to following orders, do what is required of you, why the need for a popularity contest, Will thinks we all are adults here to a certain degree. Will is thinking why is being co-workers not enough for some, this is a job, not a social club, and if this is a family, yeah Will might ignore them too so it pans out.

Also for the record, if you’re not Will’s dog, Will’s girl or applying for the position, keep your hands off of Will, there is such a thing as personal space. Last but not least, Will is not here to be the butt of your jokes or to be forced to endure the same lame ass jokes day in and day out, which goes back into why is everyone talking so much and for once you can say Will say that.

Hey Lady Lu,
My apologies for my rant but I was so freaking pissed today, the only question is was I madder at myself or people in general, coworkers and honestly I wasn’t the only one. There is absolutely no excuse for my silence today, but other than the anger today wasn’t half bad… should I start taking my meds again, I’m becoming a miser.

“Let no man forget how menacing we are, we are lions!” – Achilles, Troy (2004)

Another recent development I suppose, I’ve never been stingy with my money, I could actually afford to spend a little but money like time is becoming a limited commodity. I haven’t read anything for days besides a book on blogging and I still have to put that into practice; what about the book club, no Luna I don’t blame you. Just to be fair though I might have to cut down on our chats a bit, waiting until the end of the month though to see how that goes Lu.

“There are no pacts between lions and men.” – Troy

I won’t cut you out of my life again entirely, okay no promises but I have to write every day and I’m already being wiped out and how about my book? I think maybe I got all the workplace angst out of my system which is good, I meant to make some comparison to lions, all the quotes right but anger really burned me out today. Luna, I had all the time in the world to stand and again I crumbled but evolution my dear takes time, always with time.

“You watch those nature documentaries on the cable? You see the one about lions? You got this lion. He’s the king of the jungle, huge mane out to here. He’s laying under a tree, in the middle of Africa. He’s so big, it’s so hot. He doesn’t want to move. Now the little lions come, they start messing with him. Biting his tail, biting his ears. He doesn’t do anything. The lioness, she starts messing with him. Coming over, making trouble. Still nothing. Now the other animals, they notice this. They start to move in. The jackals; hyenas. They’re barking at him, laughing at him. They nip his toes, and eat the food that’s in his domain. They do this, then they get closer and closer, bolder and bolder. Till one day, that lion gets up and tears the shit out of everybody. Runs like the wind, eats everything in his path. Cause every once in a while, the lion has to show the jackals, who he is.” Poolhall Junkies

As for what I learned today, having a big mouth is not always a good thing unless you have the power to go with it. Today I heard fear, I heard anger, I heard the return of the flipping caveman and that’s not good to the man in the mirror I Need You to Roar.

“I see pride! I see power! I see a bad-ass mother who don’t take no crap off of nobody!” – Yul Brenner, Cool Runnings (1993)

Lesson 025 ~So Time Me Up~

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How much time do you have, you don’t see it, you see the watch face, you hear it in another person’s voice, you feel it dripping from your brow and you know that it’s always running out. “So Time Me Up”, no wonder we can never let go.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Lesson 025 ~So Time Me Up~

Hey Lady Lu,
I so wanted to name this something different but it’s these times we live in, or how about the fact that no one has any time for the likes of us? However, and I know I often repeat myself, that’s what lessons are for right, anyway I hate being late and today I am running behind schedule.

Now aren’t I always running behind, that’s why I try to be early for everything or is that just my anxiety talking? In most horror movies isn’t the best place to be, somewhere in the middle but speaking of other racially insensitive things we’re not allowed to say anymore… I guess in some messed up thought I am thinking about the future past those traditional five minutes dreaming that the world is going to end and that I feel fine.

I feel fine, isn’t that another coping mechanism, remember the good times because you know the bad times are coming, and even worse times. I’d said something about selective memory but nowadays I just go ahead and imagine the worst case scenario and regardless of the truth I’ll probably see it that way a thousand times even after the fact. Waiting is always the hardest part, isn’t that what they say, except when you’re procrastinating and that’s what today has been all about, being honest.

In this world where so much doesn’t truly exist, the value of money, those in power, “gluten” why do we choose to be slaves to the concept of time. As a black man living in America, I can’t say I have much to waste, not trying to get all political or again being somewhat insensitive.

You can thank “Saints Row 4” but out of any super power we could hope to possess, time travel is not one meant for us, it just never turns out well. Then again if we knew of beasts such as “The Langoliers” it would be a reminder to always look ahead and time travel itself would be a thing of the past, to be sure.

I think of all the things I would like to make right or do differently so of course, the first thing would be where would I stop my corrections? Give America a time machine and you would stop the building of the nation if you truly were on the side of right or at least that’s what I think. Maybe I’m just in a movie mindset because what about “The Butterfly Effect” think how much damage you could do to others and think about what you stand to lose completely.

There’s not such a thing yet but imagine if we found there was nothing to go back to, we’re in a constant race to outrun them, langoliers, that would explain why we’re always told to never look back, why in this life we are constantly on the move. Scary to think I might be as bad as “Craig Toomy” running from his past and knowing what the future held, maybe I should call my anxiety a langolier. Talk about the ultimate restart when the survivors were the first people in a world that were yet to be born, maybe then I wouldn’t feel like I am always so behind everyone.

To be first in some things, the middle in others, and most days I hope the future will be that apocalyptic dystopia I’m always dreaming about as if I were a prophet. No Luna, if I were a prophet then what happened today, wouldn’t have happened, did I mention how late it was getting today?

Aren’t we constantly trying to better ourselves or at least I want to be but what was I today, a monster I thought I was trying to lose? To others, I’m tied to the role that either I portray or that they believe me to be and I don’t see how I will change it.

You know I’ve been dealing with Braxton and the tick and today, he and I both lost our minds, please don’t let me become my father and he was just that scared puppy I use to know. Now he’s locked in his room after I literally tore the bed down getting to him because I was just so angry at him and everything else. Isn’t that one more thing about waiting especially with anger, yet another reason I just keep moving or I try to sleep all the time, not that any of that helped.

It scares me to think of how he looks at me now, will I be stuck in that moment, him barking up a storm in the bath with me yelling no, what about when he saw his safe haven falling apart, under the bed. What about the way the people at work see me, I will always be stuck in such a version of reality no matter what I do, time stands still? How about how “Indiana” sees me, I’ll tell you this, that woman has a strange opinion about me indeed, not that I’m interested in changing it though.

Anyway, Indiana probably is expecting me to take her to the movies tonight and you know how I am with the movies so I better hurry up. I’ll do better next time, a next time, yeah this conversation isn’t over but for now, I’m gone Luna, So Time Me Up.

Troubling Twenty to Tango

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I was pretty angry at a beautiful person at first and I was about to you some pretty foul language at the start “BUT” then I thought a bit better of it, not the underlying problem though. Troubling Twenty to Tango… they say it takes twenty seconds ha

And I will see you in twenty
If I were only that eager
Why don’t I figure it out in guts
or any number of buts
which grow ever so meager
It’s only not funny
as I’ve been pegged
one ain’t too proud to beg

Now I ask for what
Because it’s never enough
Yet they call me the seeker
Maybe I’m ugly
tripping over my own two legs
like I just finished a keg
okay two but you know something
you’re the disease, the virus, the fever

So what I’m not a believer
In you’ll see
Without pictures or Mpegs
Even if I throw up my eggs
My courage with overcome any
And all anxiety… eh I’m a dreamer
Sot guess what
You won’t ever tell me to shut up

Ever again

Copyright © 2017 Second Circle Creations, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 005 ~Freezing with Embarrassment~

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Was the sin I committed ever so great that I must fall further still, I burned and now I freeze because of it; humiliation is not new at all. “Freezing with Embarrassment”, now I don’t suppose any weatherman can help me with that.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Lesson 005 ~Freezing with Embarrassment~

“Can you blush?” Blade II

Lu,
Let’s chalk that up to one of those things I’ll never be able to do, though I’ve tried and yes stupid people have noticed. Now I’ve been talking about a burning in blood as of late but today’s lesson will be on, guess what… humiliation.

I’ve been told I wear my heart on my sleeve and we both know I tend to take things to seriously which leads to a lot of resentment and plenty of anger. Trust me I have plenty of fuel to burn but while I was at work today “it” happened again. The “it” when for a moment in time I freeze, I remember, and it takes me a minute or so to fight back the feeling, my version of a panic attack I suppose Luna.

The last panic attack I recall… somewhere between when I worked for the “red shirts” and when I met an online friend in real life; the shaking, the breathing, the experience of the whole world falling apart but it’s just me crumbling at the time clock or the box office. Only that’s not the real Hell and we will be getting to one of my “Dante’s Inferno” rants, I have still sworn off the second circle for a while. What I thought about today is that it’s not the burning that gets to me but the being frozen in place and time, that wrecks me.

No, it doesn’t, it keeps me, that’s the worst part about it, you see a wreck, hitting rock bottom would be the end, and I’ve talked about being destroyed before. It’s the after, that might be more problematic than the event itself, the aftermath.

I’ve heard the saying that everything you want lies on the other side of fear, so you walk through Hell, you burn but I’ve never experienced that sense of relief that freedom of yeah I’ve done it and I’m finally okay.

Take for example today, well I mowed the yard maybe a week ago right, I think “okay the neighbors won’t yell” they never have but anyway I get back to the house today and boom two big anthills, one center of the yard, another half into the neighbors. So I rush out and put some ant killer stuff on the yard right, problem solved but no I’m stuck on how long have those anthills been out there, did the neighbors see, what if the stuff doesn’t work, did I use it wrong, was it the wrong stuff etc. Talk about building a mountain out of a molehill or anthill in this case honestly.

You didn’t think I was going to go a day without talking about the incident right, just more proof that I’m stuck here, will I apologize again, will I hate, been ignoring her and most mutual people on Facebook. Do they know who I really am, what do they think about me, will I ever comment again, will I ever shut up?

What about when I was at work today, first I said I got stuck in my moment and usually when I’m there I either kick a hole in a box or stomp my foot really hard like I’m stomping on the devil, stupid religious background. Anyway, I get asked to deliver the jewelry p to the front, a simple enough task, except I don’t know where they want the cart, not to mention some of the boxes were mixed, hats and things, general vicinity but not exactly jewelry. Besides that, and the stupid pillows, so much for any thoughts of walking tall but I try, Lady Lu, I really try but it’s almost like this person I am is set in stone, like any headstone.

That’s my whole point, it’s as if I’m already dead in a way, another reason I stomp the ground, maybe I’m trying to get myself out of the ground but I keep falling back into it, frozen in place or just trudging my way through the snow, however, I can.

Seems dumb to be talking about snow here… the actual weather matches my mood, either a torrential storm or burning hot. You know that’s how my father does it, hate that I’m giving him any props but that’s how he gets by, he hates the whole damn world and everyone in the end just kowtows.

I go back and forth with this hating people thing and why I have bad thoughts, I guess though I have a sliver of hope left for humanity. I prefer the higher circles but, anxiety, shame, rage, all drive me down lower, they burn me but the lowest circle of Hell is encased in ice. The greatest sin is Treachery and this I truly believe and either I or my anxiety is guilty of such a sin dear Lady Ly.

In is defined as a violation of faith; betrayal of trust, treason, perfidy, faithlessness, but am I the betrayer or have I been betrayed… to be honest, both. I don’t betray other people, okay I mean if they came at me first but I do betray myself every single day, and then some and here I wonder why I don’t get anywhere. The more I warm to someone and here I am again and the only way to recover is to burn with rage, none of this is doing any good. So I sit here stuck, taking it step by step, remembering every stupid thing I’ve done and trying to move past it but being hit with it yet again.

So what have I learned… I don’t want to be my father, I told a friend I don’t want to be angry all the time but I heard in a movie once, I’ll keep my rage and bitterness because at least I know they’re true. I don’t want to be frozen, I don’t want to be stuck, frightened, fighting to keep my head up and staying out of the ground but I’m freezing with embarrassment.

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist.” Cypher Raige – After Earth (2013)

Nobody’s Fuel

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When I was a kid and hell even now I always heard that the way to handle a bully was to stand up to them, otherwise they keep coming, they won’t ever stop, it won’t ever stop. Nobody’s Fuel, the ride has to end somewhere

And I will be nobody’s fuel
What’s so funny?
Am I a joke to you?
Clown, Jester, do you think I’m a Mime?
Or is it just my face

because don’t I wish
I was that much of a fool
When it’s just me maybe
That makes you spill your guts
In one way or another

Whether it’s the latest rumor
Wait please not so fast
while you’ve been so cruel
Can’t I be World War III
Remember all the things you said

Let’s share nightmares
So scary right, so angry yes
But where you gonna run
Could I call this a duel?
No, won’t you stay with me

As what you did wasn’t cool
In fact, it was downright skeevy
Only don’t take it back
No way to move forward
I’m nobody’s fuel for tears

What I am is standing right here

Copyright © 2017 Second Circle Creations, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 004 ~Embrace The Madness~

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Driven crazy before, been there and done that, it seems I have lost my way again but at least I’m moving now, though there is no destination. Embrace The Madness, maybe not all of it but anger is a hell of a navigator I think

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Lesson 004 ~Embrace The Madness~

Lu,
To be fair on any given day I’m pretty out there, crazy, insane, eccentric, and yes even “skeeve” I cannot tell you how much I hate that word. Is it really the word though or just who I associate with it and for once I’m not talking about myself now.

Okay so what are we doing here if not talking about myself right but am I over the incident, you know I have the tendency to blow thing way out of proportion. I think it comes with the whole bipolar territory but haven’t gotten around to talking to another “real” therapist as of late, like the last two or three maybe more were any help. Besides you listen to me for free and I don’t have to flush my medication down the toilet though I’ve been thinking about that stuff I bought from Amazon right.

“Anger is more useful than despair.” Arnold Schwarzenegger – Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

That’s where I’ve been lately, lost in despair but if I haven’t made this clear, it seems I’m getting madder and madder, talk about watching the world burn, I’m burning up but at least for the moment, I’m not destroying my work. Talk about the five stages of grief, I was never in denial, there was nothing to deny, I confessed, I apologized, hell I wish she would post more stuff to cover my stupidity or just erase it herself. There is nothing to deny and for a couple of days there I skipped straight to depression, nothing to bargain for and like I said anger is not acceptable either.

Only I am angry and instead of being sorry for the first time I’m actually pretty grateful to be this upset because it has done something my previous sin could not. I’m here aren’t I, I’m writing blowing off friends a bit to get this done to let this out, though I wouldn’t say that it’s necessarily helping at all.

Is that what I want… help, no Lady Lu, was this some sort of a wake-up call, perhaps a call to arms, well mine might fall off with all this writing I have been doing lately. That night when we got back to talking I thought I wanted to drop dead, maybe I did and this is Hell which explains the fire burning inside me.

“All I know is that first, you’ve got to get mad. You’ve got to say, ‘I’m a HUMAN BEING, God damn it! My life has VALUE!’ So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell, ‘I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!’ I want you to get up right now, sit up, go to your windows, open them and stick your head out and yell – ‘I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!’ Things have got to change. But first, you’ve gotta get mad!… You’ve got to say, ‘I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!” Howard Beale, Network (1976)

See now I’m starting to get mad at myself all over because was I treating her like a human being instead of a… well there are so many things I want to say but I’m having a Ned Flanders crisis of conscience still. It wasn’t that serious, I don’t think but again it comes with my usual state of mind, whoever I am given the moment. For the record, I like to think I’m the perfect gentlemen and I do respect women, equal pay, equal rights, and everything in-between though I would never prescribe to all the ideology of feminism.

What about who I am though, I’m perfectly acceptable as long as I’m quite and dependable, aren’t I or is that scary too, is that wrong. You know I went for days without speaking to anyone at work and I’m the bad guy, people can say whatever they want, speak for me and I’m the bad guy. Back in school, I was the flowers and candies guy, I was the one the jerks came to for pretty words so they could get back with their girls but I was pretty much playing Cyrano de Bergerac.

Was I done with the apologies, I’m sorry if this sounds all too familiar Lu, same stuff different day but that just goes to show that things never change. Except for now usually, a pretty face would make me do all sorts of stupid things in the name of “attraction” now I’m up and about it the name of war.

Okay dialing it back but I’m writing now because of that anger, but let’s talk business, you know that Mime poem I wrote gave me my biggest rush of likes, the poem about almost getting fired seriously. Didn’t I tell you destruction is beautiful and since I’ve stopped with the other stuff, not a day goes by without a like.

So I’m embracing the madness, a business decision, you tell me, but for a few more days at least I’m going to let this anger wash over me, fuel to my fire. There are two emotions that guide me in this world and one of them ain’t joy and for the moment the fifth circle holds its sway. Only another reason that I’m mad at myself is the fact that it would take something like this to inspire me to work so hard once again.

I think I may have gotten it wrong as I do most things, so why not embrace the madness and the terror, and hopefully not the utter disgust. Physically I’ve been feeling better though I do have lingering worries, some pain actually serves a greater purpose. Note I said some not all but I will thank her for the pain she gave me because yes it has made me stronger.

No I shouldn’t say that but I do know I want to finish my book, I want to make my blog something if anything just to show her up, success is striking back isn’t it.

“The only way to survive a mad world is to embrace the madness.” Victor Strand
The lesson for today is let myself go crazy, work my ass off, ignore pretty brunettes, yes Embrace The Madness.

Lesson 003 ~Freedom Responsibly~

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Did I shout fire in a crowd, honestly I’m probably a lot worse than most “gentlemen” and that is saying a lot when I should probably be saying much less. Freedom Responsibly is there really such a thing anyway, and why wasn’t I when I could have

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Lesson 003 ~Freedom Responsibly~

Hey Lu,

This isn’t free you know, binding you to me, as I’m bound by emotions, chief among them being anger but didn’t I say that anger would not be tolerated? What else is there, right the stuff we’re not allowed to talk about because there is no freedom here I know.

Can’t stress this enough my Lady Lu but this is all my fault because I was practicing the freedom of speech and in so doing I trampled on another person’s freedom. That person then used the same rights in their freedom and here I find myself bound and why is that… because she and everyone else is right. If anything I can tell you the truth quite simply in a song that I heard once and that’s “Freedom Ain’t Free”

You know what the difference is between a patriot, a traitor, hell even a terrorist… the winning side but there is something that, excuse me, trumps all that and that is power. That’s been the problem for most of my life, power or more so the lack thereof but really what power does some woman have over me I ask you. The answer is I’m still here talking to you, that after years of zero contact I turn to you, even today of all days when all I really want to do is rest now.

One more freedom I have been denied and I do mean that in a scary way, we talked about one of the reasons it’s good that Braxton is always around. So let’s go with why I wasn’t using my freedom responsibly and that in itself could go on forever, starting with the simple fact that I’m not free for real.

Now Lu I’m not planning on making some big social commentary on race or the state of this country, just one more thing we’re not allowed to talk about. I’m angry about that, you are damn right I’m angry but for a few hours at work today that anger wasn’t at myself, we both know who I was angry at.

Which leads me back to power, would I give my freedom away for power, to be slave to the almighty dollar, not like I’m not already, to be beholden to the people, if I could turn those people my way sure, what about to be addicted to my baser urges, does revenge count? Power is the end all be all I think but you only want more and more, and don’t we mistake that for the freedom that we all seek. Star Wars both Jedi and Sith have no freedom but then the question becomes what exactly is this thing people would dare call freedom.

“Freedom (n.): To ask nothing. To expect nothing. To depend on nothing.”
― from Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead (1943) Goodreads.com

So what have I been asking for, forgiveness, I’m not even sure I want or deserve it and to be honest with myself and my crime I did have ulterior motives. I don’t expect to gain any of it but I’m here because isn’t there always hope, maybe the hope that I will forgive myself or of something I don’t even have a name for. I also can’t believe how much I depend on other people’s good opinion about me, I don’t want to really meet these people but I want to believe that they think some sort of good for me and maybe that’s what hurts me the most.

A free man would walk away, a free man wouldn’t be bothered, a free man would do as he wanted even if that meant betrayal. Today of all days isn’t that what the founding fathers taught, I was once a history buff but they betrayed, it was downright treacherous and isn’t that what they call the ninth circle of Hell.

I gave into the second circle and because of this where do I find myself now the fifth circle which is Wrath but no not like that. If anything that’s what I wanted today, the freedom to be mad, a part of me has been thinking about expanding all this, to think I was on death’s door just yesterday right.

Didn’t Facebook get started because of somebody’s wayward heart or so were the rumors and I think Zuckerberg has freedom. Ayn Rand’s vision of freedom I don’t think will ever exist and in truth what would I do if I had freedom, the most freedom I could imagine this moment again is going to sleep and not worrying about anything. Now power is a dream that can come true and that’s me being hopeful because again power is all that really matters and if you want my two cents on love at the moment the power of love pales in comparison in the freedom not to do so I think.

“Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.” Benjamin Franklin

This is what I’m doing right now Lady Lu, trading in my freedom, for what, people’s approval, a chance at something better, and of course my own fear. I could just want some moment of sanity and I’m sorry to say I would give up my freedom for that, you remember that show Solitary, in captivity those people might have actually grasped freedom. Again I’ll tell you, give me the power to do all that I may desire, to be angry, to be spiteful, revengeful, to do everything and all and I would gladly surrender whatever freedom I might have.

I don’t want to Freedom Responsibly because I can’t, I know enough not to break any laws, you can relax but for now, let’s just settle on being angry. That’s power, that’s why I’m here Luna to one day have that and to never need to worry about Freedom Responsibly.