Tag: Man

Gospel 238 ~The Meanie Of Braxton~

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Open the door, close it. That’s what I want to tell my father. Braxton still loved him despite everything. But Braxton wouldn’t move when he was around, scared, as was I. Damn termite guy. If my father dares moves anything… The Meanie Of Braxton

Wednesday, February 24, 2021

Gospel 238 ~The Meanie Of Braxton~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but there is only so much hair, so many treats left, and what about training pads?

Inspector Echo, this is my Braxton’s home. I can look at where he lies in that box all day long, but this place, all of it is ours. I said it the day I came back after… Nothing is going to change. Well, other than the nightstand that no longer carries my savings and knives. Money, blades, my 9mm. I haven’t really touched them since February 10. I’m a father without a son anymore, but I’m still Daddy, and as I protected him, he would defend me. What are we so afraid of? He would shake and jump; I’d load up and grab a knife too. Like father like son, we became mean because of one person. Braxton’s grandfather, or to be clear, my “father.”

B and I are dead to the world, or at least I try to be. I feel nothing, or I can’t stop crying. The closest I get past the 5 Stages Of Grief is ANGER. I hate myself for what I’ve done. But I’ve said it before, I was in the FUCKING PARKING LOT, “get a new dog,” my dad said. He’s had two dogs himself at different times, Rottweilers. My father called them family dogs, security. My sister and I never played with them, well, pass the puppy stage. They lived outside in their own cage. When each one died, the family, well, nothing. Inspector Echo, I’ve had a few dogs in my life. I will never say I’m the best man but Braxton…

Fifteen years, he is my son. I would die for him then, and I will die for him now. To protect everything, he was to me. I haven’t found much to be afraid of, though I am or much to be ashamed of. Yet again, I’m guilty. I’m living a lie that he is with me, but he’s not Echo. Now I get a call from my father about the damn termite guy, and I won’t be here, but my father will be. My first fear has been telling him I don’t want to talk about another dog and walking in, and he’s brought one. I begged for a dog. My sister got Braxton… figures.
There’s not much chance of him bringing another dog here.

Second, he’ll try to wipe away Braxton’s memory. EVERYTHING FUCKING STAYS. If he were to pull something as such? My father and I have fought once, and Braxton tried to protect me. Same blood, same mud; Braxton and I only had each other against him. The last fear is that if my father did such a thing? If I could follow Braxton wherever? Before that, though… no harm would come to Braxton, I swore it in this house. My anger, my rage against my father. Better he opens the door and closes it, otherwise. Fighting For The Meanie Of Braxton.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 237 ~B Leave In Love~

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I’ve seen plenty of people go in a variety of ways. Some, I think, gave themselves too much credit. Give me one lousy night, maybe a week, and I move on. Braxton though; some say God is Love, B III is Love and losing him to let it go. B Leave In Love

Tuesday, February 23, 2021

Gospel 237 ~B Leave In Love~

Dear Future Wife,

I AM a Billionaire right now but like the songs… AHEM, Money Can’t Buy Me Love. My Love Don’t Cost A Thing.

I believe I’ve spent more in twenty-three days on Braxton than I have in the last months of his life. Hell, I still am. I want more frames, candles, a pedestal for his room. Of course, you know this. On my phone is a reminder for “HomeAgain” Renewal every week. Believe me; I won’t be taking it off any time soon. I won’t stop talking to him or doing any of the stuff we’ve been over this month. Forever I’ll say routine, but how do you stop loving someone, baby girl. That’s what people don’t get about this; obsession, mourning? B leaves, and I’m like this. Everyone else? I do kiss and tell, I’ll admit, but I’m talking about one night. Someone got three novels.

B leaves, and the ink is trying to outrun the tears. The sweat will never clean the blood from my hands. Can we not talk about the stuff they filled him with? That’s what I’ve been thinking the past few days. Did B leave, or did I let him go, like oh so many times? “B III, go play” when I would send him outside. How many opportunities did I miss? What about when I wanted alone time? One more reason for morning showers and very late nights. He didn’t care much for you. At first, I know, but I was in Love and Braxton… B III he didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to hurt either, and I wanted to show my Love.

Believe me; I understand this song more than ever “Only know you love (him) when you let (him) go.” He knew, which is why he chose to hide under the bed and walk to his water, to stand there calmly as we drove. In his absence, he wanted me to love myself, to be ready. B III would leave me with his toy. Braxton even got around to leaving me with you. His Love for me extended to him wanting to protect our children. He loved them and wouldn’t want to leave them. So he looked to his daddy, and I asked him to leave.

“B III, it’s okay. You can go. You can leave.” Such Love, him, me you, us, B Leave In Love

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 236 ~Zen Ends Butt Kicking Deserved~

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I don’t want peace, and the quiet is killing me. Let me have my exhaustion and with what my eyes have been doing lately, tuning out, tearing up, taking down every bit of pain as if it would stop my own. “Zen Ends Butt Kicking Deserved”

Monday, February 22, 2021

Gospel 236 ~Zen Ends Butt Kicking Deserved~

Hundred And Seventy-Six Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I’m still not angry about Braxton. Well, how do I know I started talking to you Friday. Say it with me, Madam Justice AHEM “Time-Travel.” What I know for sure is this? I’m not Zen. I don’t know what’s what anymore. I’m still reading anything and everything, well, after crying that Braxton isn’t curled up against me. It’s my fault. I’m the one to blame. Talk about a butt kicking deserved. I have those pamphlets on grief the vet gave me. To this day, I believe I’m in Denial, but Anger?

I don’t know how to describe it. Every morning when I wake up, the living routine. You know when I sleep, I’m gone though I’ve begun to dream again. Nothing about B III, only pain, and don’t tell me you can’t feel it in dreams. I’m usually shocked then, waterworks. Most of the time, I’m on autopilot. My mom asked me do I watch a lot of Dish; anything to break up the silence. Only what I mean is, it’s like that movie Warm Bodies, and I’m “R.” What do zombies do? Who was R before Julie and then without her? B’s not coming back. But what peace I knew…again routine, Denial. Braxton is only outside or under the bed. I joined a club about dogs, but I’m finding people much like myself. Madam J, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. So then I look for more pain and for what, my catharsis?

“It’s easier not to feel. Then I wouldn’t have to feel like this.” R – from the movie Warm Bodies

Disgusting, but how about wishing it was me? I’ll be damned if an animal is in pain. My Braxton suffered. People though… You know the song, “the dreams in which I’m dying…” My side was hurting; I thought I got bitten by something, wishing sicknesses. I’ve been eating more. Now I’ve starved myself for at least a week, but now food is the punishment. I said before I’ve been craving things like onion rings, chocolate, Burger King. Anything Braxton can’t have or that breaks my routine and increases my shame. Some time ago, I saw the police, and while they can pick anything at all… My killing Braxton. I’m Eddie Murphy in The Golden Child; I should be punished, purged, never purified. Hell’s not scary.

Living like this… peace, any thought of Zen’s the crime. Laugh, Smile, Funny Face, Braxton. Zen Ends Butt Kicking Deserved.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 234 ~Don’t Drop Me Braxton~

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I keep on falling. I’m struggling to get out of bed—the tears from my eyes. Or when my phone chimes for my boy. For a split-second, my eyes fall to the floor, or my legs, to his bed. He wouldn’t let me down, right until the end. Don’t Drop Me Braxton

Saturday, February 20, 2021

Gospel 234 ~Don’t Drop Me Braxton~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and still, I would never possess the type of strength that Braxton has. Always and forever.

I was impressed, proud, nearly scared to death when he would walk to his water bowl those last days. If I were to ask God for anything… well, first, it was to save my son’s life. He could have, I could have, and would be more of a bastard if I didn’t let him go. Secondly, it was The Prayer from Quest For Camelot. All I wanted was for Braxton not to hurt anymore. As the song goes, “To a place where (he’ll) be safe.” And that is my failure. The Rainbow Bridge, Heaven, I like to think that the Pearly Gates needed a Cerberus. Only like I said yesterday that you can’t go asking for vets’ names that showed mercy. I can’t follow B.

I would go without question. Every time there is an ache or pain. When I start to get sick, the first thought that crosses my mind is GOOD. Let me go, let me die, and go be with him. My tethers to this life are so few, and even those ties that bind… strong enough; never like my Braxton. You know death doesn’t bother me, Lady Lu. No, I take that back. The prospect of my death doesn’t irk me. A lot of deaths don’t. I’ve been seeing plenty of it. Lately, people feeling this pain. If mine ended, it would only be because I stopped it, like I ended Braxton’s suffering. Stops me… promise I made to a friend.

I raised Braxton so high, and never once did I consider I’d be begging him to help me up. Twenty days and I still pick up his bed but usually kneel to smell it. His favorite game was once staring at the door, wondering should I go outside or inside. Now it’s up and down from pillows, pill bottles, and my pendant. I remember how he would freak out when I took his collar off; his nails caught the ring. Now when wearing the pendant, it’s like my collar. More like I’m telling myself to be better for him. For his whole last year, I told myself I would be a better father, friend, hell if only somewhat less forgetful.

In my arms, heart, mind, Please Don’t Drop Me Braxton

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 233 ~99 Problems But Braxton…~

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Some ladies have cried about him. Yep, my second BFF and my mom (his grandma). It must not be an easy thing for a vet, either. At the rate I’m going, the Mississippi and the Nile don’t stand a chance. I’m still in “Denial.” “99 Problems But Braxton…”

Friday, February 19, 2021

Gospel 233 ~99 Problems But Braxton…~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I’m still crying. Braxton isn’t a problem; he is a miracle. Like women he loves.

I’ve said before; my “father” was the first member of the family he met. Next was my little sister. His mother/crazy aunt (this is the south, just saying). Braxton was a gift to her, and she loved him. The only time I believe my “father” ever got upset with her was because of Braxton. She would do the, let’s say, ceremonial stuff, think Hallmark Channel. She didn’t like that I would sit in her room babysitting him. My mom even said Braxton and I were brothers. When did I get demoted? Anyway, he never became my sister’s purse dog. She decided to have “real babies,” my two nephews. Braxton, though, was all about his mom. Same with my Mom. Until “Braxton get in the car.”

Several years later, we met my second best friend “Indiana Gone.” Now she accomplished something no one else ever had done. She made Braxton fall in love with her. The first person that wasn’t family. If Braxton had it his way, he would have preferred I followed suit. I would always joke with him that the first girl he approved of I’d have to marry. It took Indiana four months to win B III over. Talk about the “Casting Couch.” She laid down and let Braxton crawl all over her. After a few minutes, he was in love and never had a problem with her again. The first time I had to give “the talk” to him. I figured he’d meet Dear Future Wife someday.

Instead, Braxton caught up with a pretty vet. That’s something you don’t do. You know, call asking for the name of the doctor that… Again, Lady Sophia, I’m not angry. Nineteen days and if I am mad, it’s at myself for killing my son. Or at my “father” for thinking Braxton can be replaced. As mean as Triple B is, all the ladies loved him. There was one guy vet we both hated. Braxton is my only guy friend, honest. I always wanted to do better with my son but not giving him the family I took? “Get in the car,” and he followed me. I think he knew; why he liked Indiana so much and his favorite toy too.

Daddy’s 99 Problems But Braxton…

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 231 ~Braxton And P Breaks~

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Braxton needs what, and I’m paying who again… Patreon or somebody else? Most of the time, I don’t bother to check my accounts. It might help, though, an exercise that everything is normal but without Braxton. Braxton And P Breaks.

Wednesday, February 17, 2021

Gospel 231 ~Braxton And P Breaks~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now… putting that out there as I would, Braxton. Pretending with those aspects of my life now.

Probably should get some air, but I’ve only opened the backdoor once since January 31. Braxton is like me, we both hate the cold, but we would look at the snow. I shouldn’t have said that. Every time I remember Braxton’s eyes, his final look, I break down crying. Prayers aren’t for God, though. I haven’t spoken to God since last month again. It’s one part of my routine that’s broken. There are more tears when I forget, or there’s just no need. This will be the third week, and as I shook his medicine bottles calling “Braxton.” People will be upset or not. It could be both. It’s not like I can call the vet and order more meds. The water company should be thrilled, but not whoever the people are that make bathroom pads. Some are sick of me talking about him. My friends have their own stuff.

Piping up now only to speak to B III. I’m not sure how to stop it; I don’t want to. I’ve said it often enough, every day. “Medicine time,” Night, Night Braxton,” “Just Me Baby B,” I won’t stop myself.

My Olds would laugh at me for talking to myself but with Braxton’s deafening silence…

Postulating any idea of sanity seems out of the question. Will Smith said something to the tune of, does thinking you’re the last sane man make you crazy? Susanna Kaysen wrote, Crazy is you or me amplified. To me, everything about life feels plain wrong. Painful, a crime. It’s why I haven’t done anything, as someone would say, STUPID. My biggest fear was I wouldn’t be here for him. Now 8:00 AM, his meds and water, so I get a bite. 11:00 AM, outside and breakfast. 5:00 PM more water, 8:00 PM meds, and dinner.

Prolonging the pain as long as possible for myself. How long did Braxton suffer? Five days… he was crying Wednesday, stopped eating Thursday, and it goes on. He needed a break. A break from his pops, his father, his daddy. Now that he wouldn’t pretend. Pretending, though, that’s me since the day Braxton Slipped Away. And people talk about puppies. Progressing through grief and other problems. When I want is to believe Braxton is right outside. Braxton And P Breaks.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 230 ~Beauty And The Braxton~

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My sister got Braxton hooked on Disney once upon a time. He was a little beast but also a prince, and what can I say about myself. In a way, he made me somebody else’s “prince charming” because if I could love him? “Beauty And The Braxton.”

Tuesday, February 16, 2021

Gospel 230 ~Beauty And The Braxton~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I must like a lot, love more, or share with my dear little Braxton.

You can thank my second BFF for teaching him how to get along with you. It took her about three maybe four months. After Braxton crawled all over her for a few minutes, he was all but willing to let her stay. Like Father like Son? When it comes to people and before I met you, I had a saying. If you’re not my dog, my girl, or applying for the position, don’t touch me. Now I still can’t think about another furry kid. Yes, I have you, my love, so other women… Yeah, I’m not crazy, or am I? I’m not the “BEAST” I once was, but I’m still losing it. Can you see why I’m so afraid of losing us? But losing Braxton…

He had a beautiful life… he “is” a beautiful life. I still won’t say “he was.” I tell myself, I try so hard, but where was I at noon? TRADITION… Braxton and I would usually be asleep anyway. The thing is, I wanted to give him that life he gave up to follow me. We both wanted a family. A man takes care of his family. And so I feel like a failure because I couldn’t save him. Dammit, I took from him. I have you, him, our other children, all we have and hope for. I still consider myself a selfish man with all this, Beauty that surrounds me. Why’d he have to go? He might have known you were the one before I did. Well, he wasn’t picky…

I wish I knew why he loved me. You could tell me a thousand reasons, the story of a thousand choices. Until the end, I was always his. He saw something inside me that I have yet to find. Only you found it, babygirl. The way our children look at me, they discovered it too. Braxton saw it first. Enough, so he trusted me with his favorite toy. My son allowed you to stay in my world and to let others find their way in. He saved me when I didn’t want to be saved, and now without him? His beautiful life, the beast that tried to protect me, and now I’m just well here. I love you, him, us, everything, Beauty and the Braxton.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 229 ~Beds Are Not Substitute Graves~

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Braxton would let me stay in bed, but he also knew how to get me out of it and then at the end… Hell, I would have joined him if I could’ve. Only for now, at least I’m up wanting to remember, to hold him, but Beds Are Not Substitute Graves.

Monday, February 15, 2021

Gospel 229 ~Beds Are Not Substitute Graves~

Hundred And Seventy-Five Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but does Braxton want to be with me forever? Always and forever in my heart, of course. Even now, a piece of him is around my neck. What about everything that is on my nightstand? I’m sure even today (Time-Travel, it’s still Saturday, his birthday). He wouldn’t want me to spend all day in bed mourning. No, that’s what we did on my Emergence Day. A bed has plenty of purposes, but it’s not as a grave. Being in a warm bed is pretty heavenly, which explains why I’m out of mine.

I’m also sure a bed isn’t made to be a shrine; again, we return to my nightstand. It’s been two weeks now or will be, and I keep Braxton’s last collar in his bed. His favorite plaything sits on his pillow in his room. Despite losing him, as I said on “that day,” they’re staying. Braxton’s bed is not exercise equipment, no matter how heavy it is to carry. With everything I have to heave at the Day Job, nothing compares. I keep thinking the whole world could tumble down, crushing me, only B III, bedding, daddy’s breaking heart. They’re not time machines either. As I told you before, I move my son’s bed to the right spot when I leave. Hell, just now, where do you think his pillow is with his toy? Right under the table as I talk to you. I’m still waiting for Braxton to go out, standing by the door.

That’s his territory, the backyard. Indiana Gone asked me where I would scatter his remains… I’ve only cried twice today, and it’s not yet 8:30 in the morning. Madam Justice, honestly, I only opened “the box” once. Inside’s a blue cloth, farther… didn’t wish any disturbance. Well, again, other than the pendant, I’m still wearing. Do I want to keep what’s left of my son sitting there dark? A bag of his hair, a clay paw print, even the certificate of his cremation? 5.5 x 8.5, how dreadful is that wanting to keep it representing Braxton. February 4, by the way, where was I when that was happening? In bed saying that it should have been me than him, honest. Today of all days, though, I’m out of bed, not living really. Existing, Remembering, and Thinking for now at least. Beds Are Not Substitute Graves

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 227 ~To Braxton’s Sweet Sixteen~

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Happy Birthday!!! Braxton Barks Bradford. I would do more for your birthday than I would my own and if I had only known… We’d share a steak on mine. I’ve been thinking about what we were going to do today? Some Dad, right? To Braxton’s Sweet Sixteen.

Saturday, February 13, 2021

Gospel 227 ~To Braxton’s Sweet Sixteen~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but can that bring Braxton back to me. Give me one more day, year; I’m greedy.

But never on my birthday and like Father like Son. Up until the end, he treated every day as a holiday. On his last day, I’m sure I’m a broken record. I remember when they first took him from me. “Daddy, can we go home?” In his eyes Dad and Son, our lives were together. Then came my second BFF. The only human Triple B could stand outside of my bloodline. I don’t recall how old he was, but she made him a cake. I believe this was when he discovered his favorite toy. Hell, the first time I saw Braxton defeated by MORE food. Well, it put me to shame. I’d get him a ton of fries, and we would chronicle another year together.

Speaking of shame, February 13. I’m sure there is a dispute to the actual day, according to my Olds. I’ve spent forever trying to forget my birthday. Would anyone bother remembering his ever? Braxton is the closest to love I’ll get, so yep, before Valentine’s Day. If I had my way, I mean, this is what I saw. Braxton, growing a little beard under his chin. His tiny tan hairs are starting to turn grey. I imagined Braxton sneaking back to me after lying with siblings. (Future human children)? He’d protect them and my missus. Not now, but years upon years later, I would hold him as I did. The kids would cry over him. MY wife would find me bawling alone at some point.

Now he would have been 16 today. As far as I’m concerned, he is until I stop, whatever it is I think I’m doing. Would I have taken another “Commemorative photograph…” and bought one large fry for him? I didn’t even buy him a Christmas present; we had the time. That’s all I have now, time. 16 years reduced to maybe 250 in pictures. My pendant has his name, telling me to be a better man. His pillow still under the table with his toy on top. Lady Luna, Braxton gave his all to me, so how best to honor the life he lived… I’ll have it, but love’s not a prize but a gift he gave me. Happy Birthday, Braxton. To Braxton’s Sweet Sixteen.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 226 ~Did Braxton Get Taller~

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Who do you look up to? Me, I look down, expecting to find Braxton waiting. He’ll look to me to pick him up. I’m making sure Braxton doesn’t slip out the door, his scent. He got up there in years, heroics, the Rainbow Bridge… “Did Braxton Get Taller,”

Friday, February 12, 2021

Gospel 226 ~Did Braxton Get Taller~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I should have bought Braxton stairs. He got taller. Higher, Further, Faster, baby, My Braxton.

No, he wasn’t Captain Marvel. The night I met my son, he was carried in by his grandfather. The runt of the litter, though I don’t know if that’s me building up his lore. THEY say tell the legend, so I consider it. Facts he’s a full Deer Head Chihuahua. The next thing I know, he’s in my sister’s arms, a gift. Let me stick to Braxton before… So I wanted my sister to let him walk. Hell, I was at least “twenty,” but I was all in for “puppy love.” Let’s say for days Braxton had better security than the U.S. Capitol, um yep. While I’m on the subject, his name Braxton Barks Bradford, B III, Triple B, Little B, the beat goes on.

Before he could decide on his direction, my mom named him. I thought she got the name from The Jamie Foxx Show and the character Braxton P. Hartnabrig. I think now he was named after the singer Toni Braxton. For three days ha he was Neo, “the one” my one. Now, of course, you get the Bradford but the “Barks?” It was his purpose, plus I was one for Stan Lee’s character names, thank you Raj, TBBT. If B had any other purpose, my sister would carry him around in her purse, which never happened. Then came the move. Braxton and mine and for about six years as the song goes… Just The Two Of Us. It should’ve been much longer, than that I know.

He made me a father, and he was my son, the SUN. He defended my kingdom, and I called him a little prince, no I made him a GOD. I didn’t know prayer until I asked God knows who for his safety, strength, and soul. I became a villain, but Braxton is my Hero. How can I be surprised that my little boy, who figured his butt should never touch hardwood, could fly into my arms? He could jump onto beds and couches. My son became the angel and sometimes little devil on my shoulder. And now, on February 10 (time-travel), I get a call to pick-up his… he made it to the Rainbow Bridge.

Higher, Further, Faster, I’m still growing. Did Braxton Get Taller

I Will Have No Fear