Category: Inspector Echo

Lesson 179 ~In My Father’s House~

WillLeave a comment

With these hands as the song goes but I’m afraid I don’t have an answer to what they could do, should do, or would do and much like when I was failing Math all I could genuinely do is write out more questions, again and again. “In My Father’s House.”

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Lesson 179 ~In My Father’s House~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, for as Elton John put it, “If I was a sculptor, but then again, no,” I’m not much of a master builder, or a craftsman of any sort and yet I dare to call myself a writer. Maybe because my writing isn’t meant to make people comfortable by any means, my hell, my white room, or red room as the case may be most days.

It seems I go out of my way to make people comfortable, well as much as I can and the thing is no matter what I’m never comfortable even in my place, my comfort zone they call it. Not to sound like a Mad World but it my bed sleeping is the best I can do when it comes to myself and anybody else. You know what’s truly sad is that even my death will be some great inconvenience that I feel guilty about and that’s my sin for today, the fact that I’m always in the way every day.

Now how can that be a sin, I don’t mind watching the world burn as much as the next man, but I’m supposed to be doing something, and not just working but doing it well. Perhaps my failures are catching up to me, I mean didn’t I pay my bill, didn’t I go shopping and the fact that I can do all of these things and can’t put a coffee table together. I got the hammer and the nails… makes me think about my crucifixion but even in that, I find myself lacking and honestly what am I complaining about I should consider myself lucky?

In my father’s house are many mansions or something like that in the bible, but I believe I have told you about my sloth-like ways plenty, I can’t stand being idle, but I can’t stand being a waste of air either, another reason I don’t talk perhaps? Working with my hands is not for me, whether it’s building furniture or trying to remake the universe in my twisted, distorted image.

So is that what I’m apologizing for tonight, a lack of purpose or for failing at the things I give myself to contribute to myself, to a girl, to the world at large. Do you forgive me Inspector Echo for this travesty of life or even survival as I dream yet again of one-day being lost, In My Father’s House?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 172 ~Can You Read Sucker~

WillLeave a comment

How many stars did they get again and my mind must have been somewhere in the stars considering I didn’t see what was right in front of my face when it came to these titles that I decided to review. “Can You Read Sucker,” it saved me once upon a time

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Lesson 172 ~Can You Read Sucker~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, I’m no reviewer, contrary to popular opinion, so I’m glad the two books in question, I wasn’t asked to review I only wrote about them because, well apparently that’s what I do now. Perhaps my biggest sin is when I don’t keep my mouth shut, I could talk to you about yesterday but another story for another time, this one today is about “Story of O” and “Shiver” two reviews.

I have no excuse for either Inspector Echo, you know me sometimes I’m lazy, sometimes I’m just super dumb, and others, I’m just the typical guy looking to get satisfaction, which I suppose is redundant but whatever. As one of my rules dictates, “I Take My Own Lumps,” and with everything that I run away from in life, I say I’m going to Hell anyway so I’m not going to run from responsibility, for the most part. When it comes to Story of O, you’ll have to forgive me for this simple mistake; I didn’t know that there was a sequel, still, haven’t read it.

When it comes to Shiver, I would say I didn’t read the fine print, but it was right before my eyes, and I just wanted to get off; the good news is this book kept me on the straight and narrow path, emphasis on straight and the man I am. Could I perhaps be forgiven for the fact that I read the book anyway; most Christians wouldn’t think so, it being a gay romance but love is love, and as the song goes, I believe in a thing called love. So why did I call the book out for something I should have known; these books are like porn for women, and that’s a crime perhaps calling it out like that, but reading could beat Pornhub and Xvideos don’t you think, a kind thought nevertheless.

Now wouldn’t you think the responsible thing to do would be to correct my reviews to a certain degree, it’s not just enough to say you’re sorry but you must make amends if at all possible. I did preface my review of Shiver, but that still doesn’t make it right and again makes me look lazy and dumb; unlike in my spoken life, my writing is the one place I would at least like to pretend I’m smart at least.

So I’m sorry for the reviews, I’m sorry for any offense towards gays or women, and honestly, I do respect some Christians, and I’m sorry for being a lazy ass but do I have your forgiveness Inspector Echo, and you ask Can You Read Sucker.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 165 ~That’s What I Like~

WillLeave a comment

Usually, I’m one for what I dislike, nope let’s say what I hate and despise; it comes more natural because the labels I get for what I do like… they can get pretty bad I believe. That’s What I Like, well this is about one sin in particular

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Lesson 165 ~That’s What I Like~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, everyone knows I like Star Wars, no I’m not afraid of being a geek, a nerd, or something, whatever the popular kids call it these days. I’m talking about the things I should never admit to, and yet here we are and why, facing my demons even if I intend on staying in Hell awhile?

It’s all sorts of blasphemy to say that I like the Star Wars prequels, but I do, and I find no fault in that, the same goes for The Walking Dead, and if it looks like a secret that’s because nobody knows me. Should it also be a sign that I don’t fight the things, people choose to believe? Every day at work is worse than the last, and it’s giving me nightmares. How about the fact that I don’t like most black women, I’ve had this conversation before and my mom would be appalled, hell I even have a Pinterest “Looking For My Swirl.”

Speaking of being appalled, why I need forgiveness… my mom is an avid Doug Jones supporter and yes I voted for him myself and if Roy Moore is guilty of everything I think he deserves to go to jail. With that said, you know what got me shunned, humiliated, and downright in trouble, having a “nymphet” fetish. I’m not Roy Moore, not even close, not even a little bit, and I have done some messed up things when it comes to “women.” Yes, I tend to call all females girls, but the “women” I messed over were all “women” eighteen at least but let’s not talk about “Senseless” not today.

The thing is I know I’m not the best person, and I could always be worse, and this is why I don’t bother to defend myself, scary that I might sound better when I let those people speak. Perhaps this is a conversation more suited for Dirty Diana so what else do I like that I should be ashamed for, that I’m genuinely a student of the Marquis de Sade.

I like guns, gay people are cool, especially watching two girls get it on, I enjoy porn, okay yeah maybe I should just ask for forgiveness now hmm? Inspector Echo I’m sorry for being so sexual, for having a DDlg fetish more than I would like to, for looking past my people from time to time, for hating people and but mostly myself but you know That’s What I Like.

“That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older; they stay the same age.” Wooderson ― from Dazed and Confused (1993)

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 158~Time Humiliates Again Will~

WillLeave a comment

If you asked me my favorite sin, I would say Lust, my needed sin would be Wrath, and the one I most indulge in would be Sloth, then again check my search history right but speaking of history, I write still. Time Humiliates Again Will.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Lesson 158~Time Humiliates Again Will~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, it’s why I enjoy anger so much or namely one of the seven deadly sins “wrath” but which would you prefer that I drown in a lake of tears or that I burn in a lake of fire… least I’m warm.

Today let’s focus on three of the seven the first being WRATH because it’s taking over, every day it grows stronger, and I know honestly enough that anger doesn’t help anything but my fear. No, I’m not going to quote Master Yoda or some tired cliché but why do people only see the worst parts of me and then with their laughter, snickers, damn can we just call it human nature, they invite the monster out to play? How not to sound like a psychopath *ahem* see I can’t even say what I was going to because I need this job and for some reason, I feel someone is reading.

What about LUST, I recall talking about a woman I met recently on the Whisper App who could do nothing but yap all day at me but what did I think about her at the time? Well, there was time enough to lie and doesn’t that just show how powerful lust it, I hate hunters, I lied about my schedule and other things and why, because I wanted her, what kind of man am I? Not that she’ll know, she wanted to “hang out, ” and I already told her I was shallow, sins galore. Anyway we traded pictures last night, now isn’t it funny she suddenly shut up, and she can’t go out, not because she’s married of course but because someone needs surgery?

Not that I’m busy crying over her though I got off an hour early from work and after freezing thanks to the dog I climbed right into a warm bed and decided I live here now. Yeah, I couldn’t even get it up to go to my workstation, and I just slept most of the day away, waking up all shocked and surprised though I did manage to eat. SLOTH, a waste of time and that’s what all the sins have in common, they were a waste of time and how am I going about correcting this because sorry just doesn’t cover it Inspector Echo.

I am sorry though, I apologize, to you, to the world, to the future missus who knows I am better than this and to myself but Time Humiliates Again Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 151 ~Just Another Red Shirt~

WillLeave a comment

Is it a job, is it a career, is it dream, all I know is, for the most part, it’s a place that I don’t want to be. I don’t have to be, but then again while I obviously don’t care for my own life, my son likes eating most days. “Just Another Red Shirt”

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Lesson 151 ~Just Another Red Shirt~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, though if I quit my job today, there would be plenty, of course, it didn’t matter when I was just another red shirt, I’ll give you a point if you get that reference though I don’t particularly feel funny today. There are plenty of places I can go on the subject of humiliation, sadly though I can’t go to HR and the unemployment line, I need this job, now more than ever but that doesn’t make it right does it?

I should probably save this for Lady Sophia, but I finished NaNoWriMo today and needless to say I will need to keep my day job now for now and it might also help if I get a decent night’s sleep. Remember Arby’s; there was pretty much no way to avoid the madness getting to me, the anger, sleep deprivation and here I am talking to you because I’ve been doing nothing but wasting my time. No, I don’t mean with you but with today, and right now I just feel so hallow you know, just give me a shovel and start digging because we know what’s going to happen with this novel now don’t we?

Anyway so I’m at work, and the general manager is just getting into me you know, I’m okay with being a fool, calling myself stupid but it utterly destroys me when other people do it you know. Worst is the fact that I decided to tell the truth… okay, not the whole truth then I would be fired but enough and what do I look like to you Inspector Echo, a fucking comedian. Yeah, where was that language when I honestly needed it today, but nobody wants the truth, we all want to believe, we all want just to hope.

Live For A Better Tomorrow, is the last chapter of my book, but didn’t somebody once say to write what you know and all I know is I know nothing which is something that I choose to apply to my day job and my dream. Both waste today without a doubt but at least tomorrow I’ll be humiliated yet again, and the other one will just be a disappoint truly.

So what am I asking forgiveness for, wasting so much time, being bereft of hope or just knowing right now I’m Just Another Red Shirt.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 144 ~Let’s Do The Math~

WillLeave a comment

How many days did he waste his money on tutoring, how much did it cost for me to fail miserably and take a final exam twice just do my school could get rid of me, not to mention being a college dropout, now that’s a story? Let’s Do The Math

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Lesson 144 ~Let’s Do The Math~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear but me plus you equals a ton of it but maybe I shouldn’t say you, just damn near anybody else and then my heart is stone, along with everything else and God help you if you’re a pretty girl. Math has never been my strong suit, which ain’t saying much, what about English or Psychology, before I even knew to call it Anxiety at all.

I’m not sure if I ever told you this story but my senior year of high school I was failing yet another Math class and my “father” put me in a tutoring, which of course didn’t help because I didn’t have the minimum basic skills to be human. I never talked to anybody, never got help, and the one time I did try to communicate with another person, let’s just say something else was rock hard. Too bad it wasn’t a headstone, yet another one of those times suicide seemed a viable option, and yeah I know I have no one to blame but myself because as far as he’s concerned, anxiety doesn’t exist honestly.

All I did was write down problems and when he found out he beat my ass, yelled at me and the tutors, and here I thought people were monsters but compared to him… so yes I learned how to talk to people to a certain extent. On the other hand, I won’t ever be promoted at work because I still lack the same skills I did as a teenager, thus I’m asking less money. How many girls numbers do I have, maybe two and I’m not sleeping with either of them so what is the point Inspector Echo, any purpose?

I waste money because I don’t think I’m ever good enough and don’t ask me how old I am and I’m still alone, well I got the dog so that’s one and a half occupants here. My whole damn life has been one 3/5’s Compromise… okay so I might have liked History and what do we learn from History, those that don’t learn from the past, so on, so forth.

How many times can I apologize for having anxiety an even if I went as high as a million at the end of the day it will always be there won’t it? So am I forgiven for living my life, surviving, wasting it because even one word scares the hell out of me, my “father” *sigh* Let’s Do The Math?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 137 ~Love A Bad Name~

WillLeave a comment

And you are again, you’ll have to forgive me, having forgotten myself some time ago how can I be expected to remember anyone else, well besides the dog at least. Love A Bad Name, really what’s in a name anyway?

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Lesson 137 ~Love A Bad Name~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, I know your name but more often than not, I have no clue who I am and so in a way it doesn’t matter who anybody else is I suppose. Isn’t that me being a philosopher rather than just saying, I got really bad anxiety and while I can remember in great detail while I hate a man, dude I can’t remember his name to save my life, which is fine since the humiliation makes me want to die anyway.

Recently it was the day job, and it seems like everything was conspiring against me to learn this new guy’s name, nametag always out of view, too much noise, and “hey you” isn’t polite, is it. It always gets worse, I’m sure I once talked about how everyone called me Mr. Willie for years until I went on a rant to HR, not one of my finer moments. You need another example, I didn’t know my grandmother’s name was Marie forever, so people would call asking for her and I’d tell them they had the wrong number in her own place I mean just seriously.

Now if you want to talk about all the things that I have been called over the years… even with all that I still hate my given name, *ahem* Lesson 056 ~Respect/Respeck On My Name~ but you know I am a man of contradiction. If I can’t correct somebody on my own name how the hell am I supposed to remember theirs, not that I intend to be friends even at work, my motto is, if you want something done right, do it yourself. Speaking of which I’m still meaning to go on that rant at one of the meetings but strangely enough, I need a few big names there to have the right zing.

I at least was going to say I was never a bully but there was this guy I hated as a kid and this lady asked me who I was talking to and I said, “not much” as I scoffed at him, yes Inspector Echo remind me to pick up a copy of “How to Win Friends and Influence People” Here’s another thing, the fact that one can think themselves so ugly that they seek infamy to be known for something other than their face?

I am sorry that names seem to escape me, as the song goes, “I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name” or I’ve been at the house with a dog and no cares. You know that’s going to end come Black Friday, so aren’t we all sorry because with so many new people, Love A Bad Name.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 130 ~Heat Of The Moment~

WillLeave a comment

What’s hot enough… the next time I fall so far it better be worth the trip to Hell, worth my damnation to be sure, but I can’t stand the heat, well not then anyway but what about now. Heat Of The Moment, is it hot in here or is it just… oh?

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Lesson 130 ~Heat Of The Moment~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear because I believe I have told the story of November 5th a few times… *sigh* ok if I must sum up, this dirty old “PERV” fell for a young eighteen-year-old, “Senseless” and I wrote her one poem and put some Twilight quote I believe on her windshield. Needless to say, history repeated itself and I nearly got fired; haven’t you always wondered why they call it getting fired at all.

I read somewhere that they would burn a person’s home when they wanted them to leave the village, sort of like “The Leftovers” I suppose, When that happened that man was trying to be some sort of psychic and here I was masquerading as a man with a Lolita complex… she is legal thankfully, not that it helped my case any. One of these days Inspector Echo we are going to discuss that but let’s focus on a definition of let’s say going to Hell.

Hell is sitting in an office, having your sins in black and white laid out before you and wondering why it’s taking so long to go all Fahrenheit 451. It’s being so hot for a person one minute and then the fires… I don’t know how to explain it but it’s already a rule “Anger Burns Hotter Than Lust”. Inspector Echo, Hell is doing your best impression of Nero as you watch your “empire” burn all around you and what can you do but sit back and fiddle, is that what he was doing, trying to take his mind off everything that was happening then?

People then wonder why I’m so cold, because it’s a disease this thing called love, and I know how dangerous it can be, as it was said in “The Immortal”. Now I was never in love with her, people talk about a certain type of culture nowadays but honestly, I understand why I don’t go to strip club… other than my anxiety, I hate the tease, and porn is free.

Now you want to know am I sorry for what I did, not a day goes by that I don’t feel regret, and I have wrong a lot of women with my inaction, my shyness, my fear, and that makes me a monster. So yes I am sorry but you know Heat Of The Moment.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 123 ~Going Around In Circles~

WillLeave a comment

Why I don’t watch NASCAR, I suppose I like to see a clear ending, going around in a circle only to celebrate by doing it again, a victory lap and then again just sitting here *sigh*. Going Around In Circles, the world is round OH how I know that

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Lesson 123 ~Going Around In Circles~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear of me dying today at least maybe I could use as I said, a lot of forgiveness as always, today it would be for my old car, the fact that I have probably told this story a few times, my smile, and the fact that NaNoWriMo starts today and what the hell am I going to do about it now?

So that we never forget, maybe I was lazy, maybe I was being a Scrooge, maybe I just hated myself so much but some years back my brakes failed… as I knew they would and I crashed back into a tree. A full circle and I didn’t hit anything but that tree, why I’m grateful for my morning shift; isn’t that something grateful to still have a job but not to be alive, my priorities.

Speaking of work and last night being Halloween, I wish I could take off this mask I call a smile, a fucked up smile at that or at least make it do a 180. How about finding the last thing that made me go “OH” or maybe the last good thing, life seems to be a circle of the bad, like the song goes, Every Day Is Exactly The Same.

That’s probably why I keep telling the same stories, stuck in the past, those that don’t learn from history and what not and tell me what the future has ever offered me. Yes Inspector Echo I’m complicit in my own murder every day or like “Morgan” from The Walking Dead, I don’t die, worse I could be a walker *sigh*.

Yet another reason I’m probably not participating in NaNoWriMo; is my creativity dead or again I’m just being lazy, even now I’m in bed and today I got the chance to leave early and I didn’t think twice. If only my past could be like that but it all comes around again or maybe I should think outside the box.

My greatest sin of all but if I talked about that thing, that thing, that thing” Doo Wop from Lauryn Hill; I swear my sins are like all my other chores sometimes.

So I am sorry Inspector Echo, for not caring enough to have the car fixed, for being stuck, for being a liar by omission and somewhat of a lazy ass but I’ll apologize some more because as we know, Going Around In Circles.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 116 ~Mercy Prevail Over Wrath~

WillLeave a comment

My mercy prevails over my wrath or more like my fear because God help me if I have such confidence to express such anger other than slapping myself in the face over everything I feel. Mercy Prevail Over Wrath, from the Koran and The Walking Dead

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Lesson 116 ~Mercy Prevail Over Wrath~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear but how much anger will it take to drive it all out because I’m not sure I have enough, it may never be enough and why should I wish it to be? Maybe a better question would be why I feel such hatred anyway, is it hatred, and still why.

I might have mentioned to Lady Luna how much I despise being late, though I wasn’t late and this is for my day job which sickens me enough that body actually rejects anything for breakfast. Is it the fact that I’m so weak, you know if it came to writing a novel on my weakness it might be a few pages less than my fear? Am I angry that I am again found so inadequate, so worthless, that anybody can just be thrown into my job, or is it the fact that I’m so voiceless that my presence must be announced to the whole building because I can’t tell one guy that I didn’t get a phone call to come in and work earlier today.

Is it the fact that I want to hate one guy and yet if he were promoted over me if he became the boss as I said before if you can’t love and you don’t wish to hate, understand and that I do. Only that doesn’t erase jealously which again stokes my ire and something else I must apologize for “males shouldn’t be jealous, that’s a female trait” in the immortal words of Jay-Z but doesn’t that make me sound sexist. Hell, a word in the vocabulary I wish I could erase at the moment “SEX’ I am so weak, I am so tired, and not even sleep helped, but if it doesn’t, like duct tape you just need more.

I become more like my father which both scares me and angers me, disguise fair nature with rage right, hate the whole damn world and hide such fear and self-loathing but being in his head might be scarier than my own… nah. Isn’t that who I should apologize to most of all, myself, this is what this is all about isn’t it, apologizing for my past sins but today it’s just might anger and since I’m going in tomorrow I’ll have plenty more reasons to be sorry, going at all.

So I am sorry Inspector Echo, wish I could say I won’t ever hate myself, that my anger will dissipate but like Rick Grimes, I ask only this for tomorrow may Mercy Prevail Over Wrath.

I Will Have No Fear