Tag: Journal

Lesson 140 ~Glass of Instant Smile~

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Have you ever seen anything so sloppy and I only wish I could say I was on something which would just be something else to add to my long list of problems I have been having today but why didn’t I give up, at least not yet? “Glass of Instant Smile”.

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Lesson 140 ~Glass of Instant Smile~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, no to everything else too, but instead of saying that you know what you do, put on a smile and even then people ask why are you so happy. Sometimes there just isn’t an answer, it’s like asking which plague is next and didn’t they get worse with each question, which each demand that comes.

So what’s wrong, Black Friday is up this coming week and I’m not ready; at least with The Purge I could defend myself but this is madness. Speaking of madness, what was I thinking to spend all that money on absolutely nothing, my glass of instant smile I figure but what has a smile ever gotten me and aren’t I sure I have asked that question before. NaNoWriMo is coming to a close soon and how much writing has there been, how much have I done today to help out with the ever-growing total required.

How about the fact that I can’t control my own body, I want to say stress or maybe I’m just a pervert, which of course never really bothers me until I get that “release”. On top of that, it would explain my depression today, after I wasted several hours doing nothing and then I fell asleep, didn’t even to take my 5-hour Energy today because I got so much sleep. Oh how about the fact that I lost the placebo effect because I drank some Powerade and then went to sleep, I really need to look up what that’s supposed to do if anything honestly.

Now, these all might sound like “First-World Problems” to practically nothing at all, makes you question why am I complaining to you at all right Lady Lu? What would “Indiana Gone” think of me, speaking of which she will be leaving February 24th so who else will I be watching movies with besides the dog?

Do I a Wambulance, if anything I need a life, but for some reason, I just can’t be like everyone else, and trust me I’m fighting, I’m trying, I’m pushing but for once there is neither fear nor hope. So what have I learned, as is “The Last of Us” endure and survive, grin and bear it, and maybe I should really consider drinking, Starbucks, more energy shot or maybe a Glass of Instant Smile?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 133 ~A Little Bit Taller~

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Living my life is one tall order, so everything I seem to do always feels like a reach, a stretch and even then everything looks so much bigger and farther out. A Little Bit Taller and then maybe I can see what awaits me

Saturday, November 11, 2017

Lesson 133 ~A Little Bit Taller~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear but no quit either, or so I’m hoping to finish strong but don’t my words always fall short and I mean that literally. Not yesterday though, it’s always something when I actually finish five thousand words and why not today?

What’s the difference between fear and worry, I don’t fear to go to work, hate it, loathe it, despise it, the list goes on but at the end of the day I’m going to go anyway. When I think about it I can’t even remember what goes on, not like when we were talking every day but that’s not why I wish I were taller. As if I need to see any more of that place as is, but as for my other pursuit, my writing the only thing that truly matters is my word count thus the hours I’ve been logging these few days.

So what are my reasons for wanting to be taller… a question that has plagued men since the beginning of time “does size matter” maybe I just want to look down on people, at least physically as everybody looks down on me regardless. Maybe I wouldn’t be so worried about everything from the neck down if my brain was farther away… you, of course, know the small head seems to take precedence over the big one, sad but true. It could be that I just hate talking to people, again that’s my anxiety talking maybe but it’s as if a bunch of gnats or something is constantly buzzing over my ears and to smack them…

Considering my personal beliefs I’ve been talking about God a lot in my novel and if anything perhaps I just wish I could hear him better if he is even up there. How about I’m dreaming of escape, I’m in need of a wish, I want to know I’m growing instead of shrinking, like from the general manager a day or so ago, which sucked.

Who is it that decided that some must be brought low so that others may rain on high, I’m more for when “The Police” sang about your servant is your master, but thank goodness Braxton doesn’t have any fingers. So what have we learned today, that whatever you reach for needs to matter or maybe I’m just trying to see the future, so to be just A Little Bit Taller?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 126 ~What’s One More Hour~

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One more hour, now tell me what are you going to do with it, other than breathing I have no clue and I don’t want to lie to you or to myself as if I’ll be looking back at this at some point. What’s One More Hour, really?

Saturday, November 4, 2017

Lesson 126 ~What’s One More Hour~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear but one more hour to try and convince myself of that, to think I keep asking for more time and then how do I spend it, well we’re here aren’t we? How many more hours shall I waste, excusing my day job which is the biggest time suck and then the time it takes to recover as though I’ve been through Hell and haven’t I?

That’s already two questions and I propose a third… what the Hell am I doing with my life, how quickly I forget which is why I keep a journal and nobody ever reads it, I’m a secret even from myself. If it’s not my body asking for more downtime, it’s my mind being left in a fog, I couldn’t hold on to a thought for the life of me. Am I once again suicidal, that’s usually a given but I am practicing a lot, what’s with all the sleep again?

Death, of course, is inevitable but so is Black Friday, a day that’s slightly better than the worse day of my entire life and last year was not a picnic. We also have another anniversary of the 5th of November, to think I almost forgot about “Senseless” and will I be telling, you know who about that past sin of mine? Of course, the simplest solution is just to work now and maybe, just maybe, there will be time enough at last, as though I was a Mr. Henry Bemis.

For being so obsessed with time as I am, I can’t help but waste it, even this moment, and I don’t mean talking to you I mean just doing what I claim to enjoy, to like, dare I say, love? I’ve spent today doing everything else saying that once it gets done I can write, cleaning my inbox, working on playlists, trying to organize everything but my words as again you can see right here.

As they say be careful what you wish for, more time, more excuses, more sleep, more dread, I can fill that time with anything and everything and then you wonder why I need to rest. Another saying, many hands make light work and yes Luna I know what that really means but how many clocks do I have and less time, what’s one more hour?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 119 ~Everything, Everything, But Tomorrow~

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A day of sitting on my ass and not in a good way: I wish tomorrow would never come even if it means I would feel this way for, god knows how long, I know work will be so much worse. “Everything, Everything, But Tomorrow”

Saturday, October 28, 2017

Lesson 119 ~Everything, Everything, But Tomorrow~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear but depression has made itself right at home, along with even more anxiety and whatever else happens to be wrong with me and my blog at the moment. Honestly, I’m sort of envious Maddy from Everything, Everything, only I wish this was all in someone else’s head and not just my own or my stomach.

Today has been a waste, what am I saying this whole damn week has been a waste and to think I started with such high hopes and grand aspirations. You ask me where did I go wrong and the answer might take me forever and a day, but not today, or how about the last two that I just gave away? I couldn’t even say yes to “Indiana Gone” because everything is just falling apart, of course, this isn’t helping with the anxiety, I’m trying.

Hell, I’ll have to try harder if this keeps up because of tomorrow… I remember last price changes, how gross was that day? Honestly today I’m just back to trying to make it the next five minutes, it worked in the past but now I’m back to thinking about time. I don’t have time for anything anymore and that’s because I somehow or another forgot my favorite word, NO. Of course didn’t I say “No Fear” I say that every day, still trying to make it come true and yet here we are again right?

No I’m not sick just a Pop Tart and a chicken finger decided to lead an evacuation, yes this is getting grosser but honestly, where have I spent the majority of my day? If it’s not my stomach it’s me fearing everything else, my fellow authors, my computer, and that tomorrow is coming, faster now.

The thing is I’m more than willing to accept everything, I mean all of this than what awaits me but didn’t I survive the days of Sapphire, I’ve nearly survived another year, more waste. Personally, I just want to crawl into bed and await the inevitable, even if I feel better if I had to choose between Fear, Depression, and Anxiety, let’s say Fuck, Marry, Kill Style, I’d fuck depression, marry fear, and kill Anxiety.

So what have we learned today, that I should talk to several different doctors and maybe I could them about well, Everything, Everything, But Tomorrow.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 112 ~Weak In The Knees~

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I suppose I just have to make room, life is getting heavier all the time and I can’t carry everything, hell there are times I don’t even want to try and yet here I am anyway. Weak In The Knees and not over some girl

Saturday, October 21, 2017

Lesson 112 ~Weak In The Knees~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear and what else is there to say, even now I’m still sitting in my bed; have you ever heard the expression, don’t know what you got till it’s gone? Good health, some semblance of dignity, what about money, how much I miss a few bucks.

The madness is all in my head of course, but you know how much I look for the worst case scenario and now my eyes hurt or I’m just imagining getting broken glass in them. Yes I know, ouch but that hasn’t happened but it is moving closer to Halloween an how about the idea of losing all your guts, yeah as I told Lady Sophia, no more eating at work. Maybe it is too bad that I don’t have nightmares because I’m oversleeping all the time except to go to work or take care of my son of course.

I swear I was at the vet the other day and my voice was reaching so high up trying to catch any air, my anxiety, of course, was wearing me down. What about cutting the grass and my lungs were burning, all the times I have seen death and when I finally feel like I’m dying it’s doing the household chores, that would’ve been a jip.

Speaking of getting robbed, is life just getting more expensive or what, empires may be built out of stone but if that’s the case what is happening to all my gold, already this is going to be the worse year yet from a financial standpoint. It’s no secret that I’m a bit of a miser but I’m also gentlemen and again this begs the question why do I continue in my day job if I’m unhappy with the situation? This again goes back to my anxiety, after the days I have here I am not lovesick but living like a man just waiting for the grim reaper to show.

If you’re going to do what it takes to survive, why not live if you’re going to be sick at least feel like you’re missing something other than making a few pennies at work. So have I learned this yet or maybe there is something deeper and more meaningful but that’s just another job I’m not doing because there is getting to be too much Lady Lu, and sooner or later, I’ll just fall down, that’s where she’ll find me, not Weak In The Knees.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 105 ~Only Human After All~

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Everything breathes and I know each breath as the song goes but no I don’t, I keep breathing and it seems each one breath just gets harder as the days go by, but I’m a man and not a monster, usually. Only Human After All

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Lesson 105 ~Only Human After All~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear but I did miss the hell out of you this past week and I wish I could remember most of it; should I go back to the old way, seeing as how I have yet to give the others any real form or substance? I could say that about myself, because isn’t it weird, you remember life but not how to live, and while you don’t remember how you survived, when you need to, you do it, without any hesitation.

If we’re talking about today, I made my bed, I can’t remember who said this but always start by making your bed, or walking Braxton depending on the day, yard work, the chores as usual. Can’t say I have much to be proud of this week other than I made money and I’m still here and that is what matters isn’t it, even if that is all there is. Have I been living the rules… I must admit I’ve retreated back to form either because of people’s idiocy and of course my own exhaustion really.

You ever stop to think, maybe that’s why the caveman never spoke or let’s say took the time to establish a language, considering every breath was so precious. It makes sense in the realm of monsters as well since zombies don’t breathe, neither do vampires, what about a few staples of monster movie “folklore” and other monsters are only beasts, so do they see breath the same way that we do, you know what I mean. Humans are the only ones that might think about it, like time, an animal breathes never knowing what breath might be their last, then again I know that animals treasure memories, while I forget.

This is what makes us worse Lady Lu, humans I mean, we anesthetize with anything and everything just to get by, I can tell you the last movie I watched, the last book I read, the last dumb decision that made me feel good but everything else is just dull or fear. Isn’t that why I’m keeping a journal and I don’t want to come back and read it, I only look to surviving tomorrow.

So what have I learned today, that I’m guilty and would be a worthy victim for John Kramer/The Jigsaw Killer, again with the pop culture Luna, Only Human After All?

Lesson 098 ~What Would Blankman Do~

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I greet a different man in the mirror every morning, that is when I can bear to look at him at all, he could be a caveman, a villain, probably some hero without a name, and how long did my job get my name wrong? What Would Blankman Do

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Lesson 098 ~What Would Blankman Do~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear but being honest, it’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday as the song goes but you know what I think, sometimes it’s just too damn easy if you’re me.

So I’m at Walmart today… yeah, what was I thinking but anyway I hear this man, tell his kid, “is that something Jesus would do” and easily enough I kept my mouth shut. Now I could go on and on about comparing ourselves to others, Jesus, Santa to get presents, superheroes, yes I read my own lesson title and to quote another song, it’s not easy to be me. Even in my latest novella, I make myself into a monster but if I were to be any sort of man, it would surely be the human Braxton deserves and the man my future wife might be waiting on; high hopes.

With that being said, I’ve often talked about being a better man than I was yesterday but today I actually miss that guy because he actually got some work done, five thousand words and today, well there’s you and my anxiety. The constant state of things, not that you’re necessarily bad, considering how we got back together but I was so proud of myself yesterday and while I could be whoever I wanted to today again just shows who I am. I want to ask the question what would I do but I’m not ready and again the whole point of this is to stop comparing myself to others right?

Someone once said “Don’t try to be a great man. Just be a man, and let history make its own judgments.” Star Trek First Contact

It still scares me so Luna, who I might be becoming, the craziness, I mean I’m a writer, there is no doubt in my mind about that but truly, I’m going to have seven personalities, nearly all women to write now? I’ve said it so many times I wouldn’t leave you and I’ll still be writing every day just different facets and including my past, present, or future me, I’m still not certain really. Do you think one day they’ll be asking the question ‘what would Willie do’ they don’t ask that about Shakespeare these days?

We’ll talk the same time next week and I’ll probably be burdened, should I call this an experiment perhaps. So what have I learned today, I’ve never asked what would Jesus do, my story is about what she thought I would do, and you know what I’ll do tomorrow so Lady Lu, until next Saturday, goodbye, I’ll still be me but What Would Blankman Do?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 097 ~Twist In My Anxiety~

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I’m being swept up in ideas at the moment but I won’t dare say I’m winning at life lest everything just gets blown apart but at least it’s not gray. Twist In My Anxiety, when everything seems to be going okay and then whoosh but right now woohoo

Friday, October 6, 2017

Lesson 097 ~Twist In My Anxiety~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear, I’m going to blame it on my anxiety, my irritability, my laziness, and what about all the only craziness that I’ve been going through lately?

First I have some good news and some bad news… I’m not tossing you away again let’s just say I’m going to spread you out some, yeah I really need a girlfriend or at least to go back to watching porn. Anyway, what I’m saying is, I finally have an idea for my virtual brothel, that’s the good news, seven days and seven entries, more bad news is you’ll be the last, let me survive the week and I’ll tell you what I can Saturday. Now does that sound crazier or lazier, when it comes to my story, yeah I have been slacking a lot?

Should I keep riding this train of positivity, today I found out I won a swag pack from Kit Rocha, you know The Beyond Series, when’s the last time I won anything… PCH but that was only a hundred bucks, talk about a kick to the balls. See that’s why I’m going to have another girl I can talk about these things to, though I’m sure “Indiana Gone” wouldn’t mind at all, not going there.

No movie tonight and I’m still attempting to hold off any and all depravity but with the way, I have been talking to “Gospel Girl” lately, what am I always telling Indian Gone ‘behave’. I’m trying Lady Lu, you know how I try and I wrote another review today for the movie “The Mountain Between Us” so I’m not going to mention all of the naughty things I want to do to Kate Winslet. Besides brunettes I’m still trying to decipher what it is about this girl or that girl, what sin does she feed in me, yeah my novel…

The Seven Sins, just seven I think

Luna = Therapy
Justice = Rules
Echo = Past Sins
Sophia = Stories
Dear Future Wife
Escort = Fantasies
Will = Man in The Mirror (Will To Love)

This leads me to another question, there are seven deadly sins but nine circles of Hell and I know sooner or later I will have to start consolidating my rules but the plan is to have 365 of them. So while I’m talking about learning, whatever have I learned today besides anxiety is just another word in all this crazy that I feel and that Braxton needs a bath because he’s driving me crazy, just another Twist In My Anxiety.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 096 ~Is It Time Yet~

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There is never a right time or enough time is there Luna, or maybe I’m just ashamed but it could be worse, I could be a liar. Is It Time Yet, maybe you should ask me tomorrow but really what about today, maybe I’ll take in another movie hmm

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Lesson 096 ~Is It Time Yet~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear but isn’t that the question nowadays, my life must truly be boring that I’m thinking about something I heard from Fox News, wouldn’t you agree?

When will we ever talk about my fixation on brunettes or for the wrong women in general, fourth grade it was a Muslim girl, sixth grade it was a blonde in remission that I’ll admit I was actually cruel to, seventh to ninth grade I stopped looking at black women for the most part, and senior year to now it has been mostly brunettes. I could probably write a whole book on why that is but as for today’s lesson, I don’t think it’s time yet but I put it out there didn’t I. Hell I’m still thinking about what this blog is going to turn into one of these days, now there’s something we should be talking about, money.

Fox News doesn’t want to talk about whit people either, though I work for a black manager and didn’t get paid this week, didn’t work last week but that’s beside the point, isn’t it? Maybe “Marshall” will give them something to talk about but I already did my review and while you know I’m one for reiteration but do I really want to repeat my review of a good choice.

“Hell is REPETITION.” Andre Linoge

No that would actually make too much sense now wouldn’t it Lady Lu, repeating the good and not dwelling on the bad, that’s one more girl for the virtual brothel “Echo, Justice, Luna, a Sophia…” that makes four but should I be encouraging my craziness, on one hand I have plenty of stuff that needs burying, and on the other with my book, I’m airing things out, cleaning out my closet. Doesn’t that just bring me back to money, I was telling “Indiana Gone” about my clothing choices or lack thereof but that is nothing to talk about until you find a hole in your shoe… what so I’m Scrooge.

Better call me a pimp while I have you here I suppose I should write down your role with the others so I don’t forget.

The Voices
Luna = Therapy
Justice = Rules
Echo = Past Sins
Sophia = Stories

So what have we learned besides the fact that I’m going crazier, do I have time to go there Luna, seriously Is It Time Yet?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 095 ~Wanna Meet A Ghost~

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Why do people believe in ghosts, God, and I suppose guns help with both but I’m not being political here, I just really saw a ghost. Wanna Meet A Ghost, trust me you’re not prepared and I surely wasn’t so why would you believe me right

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Lesson 095 ~Wanna Meet A Ghost~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear and I was never one to build a snowman but I am one to meet a ghost or so I thought I did today or at least I saw one.

Would you truly like to know how to figure out you’re alive… you’re the one being haunted, you feel fear, and it’s rare for zombies to eat their own; yeah we’ll come back to that sooner or later. You feel your heart race, your blood runs cold, and then there is the good old flight or fight response, but I took a path more like Tom Petty, I swear I’m on a death kick really. Haven’t we all been Lady Lu, why is it that we only truly appreciate life so near death, I mean have I been eager to die… I know the euphoria of a failed suicide attempt after I’m not puking green for most of the day.

Anyway so about this ghost, Scrooge will be the first one to tell you that ghost aren’t exactly ones for manners, hell I could even convince myself maybe I didn’t see anyone at all but I know I did. What would I have said, the good news is I’ve pretty much forgotten what was scaring me so and then boom, a sign that I was a bad man, best not to dwell on it right?

I never pictured myself as a ghost and you know my views on reincarnation but I feel like one of those villains in “Ghost” except all I want to do is survive. Again this is true of all of us, look at you Luna at least I can hear you and I didn’t have to die, sounding crazy but that’s pretty relative in this day and age. Does one even have to die to be a ghost, every moment, every decision, every day we are born again, trying to become better than we were yesterday and that never just goes away, we are haunted by the people we were, are, and could be and so we learn to live again.

Free speech for the living, dead men tell no tales

So what have I learned today, more like another question should I open my eyes and listen, didn’t help in “Pulse”, should I run, I stood my ground today but who knows what tomorrow will bring, Wanna Meet A Ghost?

I Will Have No Fear