Tag: Sick

Lesson 184 ~Power Is All That Matters~

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Power has five letters, and love has four, is less more, sorry to say not in this instance but if I wanted to control as badly as I want to love and maybe that’s my problem, people speak of one, it’s wrong to want the other. Power Is All That Matters

Monday, January 1, 2018

Lesson 184 ~Power Is All That Matters~

Thirteenth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, power should not be so easily obtainable, Tony Montana taught us this, but even women beat out his real motives honestly. I find myself quite the same because as the song goes, no one man should have all that power, it’s too high, too much of a fight, and too much to endure.

So we call power “love” so that we can share the burden, and even then we become slaves to it, we just can’t help ourselves because love is as a disease and this I believe. It takes on other forms, politics, money, violence, all symptoms of the same sickness, it’s like saying you have a fever when you know you have the Ebola virus, and you end up killing everyone around you trying to deny it. There are those that say absolute power corrupts absolutely or how about those we hold up as shining examples such as Captain America, a man given such power and then he becomes a hero.

One of my favorites is that everything is about sex, but sex itself is about power, now that I’ve felt and is probably closest to the truth. Power to me is merely controlling, no more, no less, and that I would not give away to anyone but first you must obtain power over yourself, and I can think of no better way to announce the new year than this possibly. Save a life, save the world entirely, if you gain power, control over just one person, yourself then there is nothing more exceptional, no fear.

Every footstep, every breath, every look, heartbeat, the release is controlled but then what does this mean for freedom, as 1984 put it “Freedom Is Slavery” to have someone anyone else in control, in power, is liberating. Take Domination and Submission as the perfect example, is this not a testament to a submissive’s power, to give such things to a dominant and perhaps they do not possess such control over themselves but only in another.

As for myself, I seek power not just over myself but life entire, and that is worth more to me than anything else, but while I know that I want this how best to obtain it, dear Madam Justice *sigh* Power Is All That Matters.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 177 ~ Medicate for Your Protection, Yours~

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I remember when I gained a pretty good drug connection thanks to my “Olds,” and I didn’t appreciate it back then, now “good” drugs are kinda expensive but to be fair, I wouldn’t be medicating for the right reasons. Medicate for Your Protection, Yours

Monday, December 25, 2017

Lesson 177 ~ Medicate for Your Protection, Yours~

Twelfth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, this isn’t the twelve days of Christmas for if it were, I would find myself locked in an insane asylum but then again here I am talking to you. Strange that the traditional white room is for everyone else but the blank white page is for me, and this is what I mean by medication for me.

Medication, Meditation, Meditation, sometimes they have been choices and others times forces beyond my control, I still remember I would dance when I would flush the meds my “father” would give me. Okay so this isn’t sounding so much about Christmas, but the truth has always been a gift, and like life itself sometimes I wish I could return it, get a refund, read the reviews of what other people have thought about it. Other people, anytime I have tried to kill myself it has been all for other people, and that’s the lesson, my life, health, and death have always been for those people.

When I was on medication, even to this day it’s not been me I’m ever worried about, I hurt, I suffer, and when I am getting well it’s to make them fill better and not me. Maybe that’s why I’ve stopped with the meds; I told Indiana Gone that I would fill so angry afterward because those pills were making me not be me. I could tell you about some chemical or something, but people did the damage, and then they expect me to find the cure, and even my death would just make their lives better, or maybe it’s like how they talk of suicide I might hurt them.

Maybe I don’t need a cure; perhaps they are the symptom of a sick, sad world, suppose I am the cure, but I give myself too much credit don’t I Madam Justice? Tomorrow things will go back to normal, and again I will be stuck with the truth, I’ll have me, just one day and didn’t I say last night that I need to have faith that ‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right!’ as Bob Marley believed right?

Speaking of music though I won’t belt out love is the answer or even a problem a few funerals won’t solve. The point is if I want to get high if I want to fix whatever’s broken, if I want to be well, it shouldn’t be for anyone else… now, Medicate for Your Protection, Yours.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 043 ~You Don’t Have “It” ~

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You’ll float to and here I was saying, I believe I can fly but that’s going to take more than a certain “It”, I’m going to need “It” in every form that I can think of and even more my friend. You Don’t Have “It” so maybe I should read something

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Lesson 043 ~You Don’t Have “It” ~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, maybe I do and maybe I don’t but we won’t know until I get serious about what I want to do with my life; forty-three days and I’m still standing or sitting as the case maybe. I’ve been saying that I was going to buy a cookbook but I guess eating isn’t all that important seeing as how I bought a book on blogging instead.

“You don’t have it,” – Laura, Staying Alive (1983)

It’s about that time of the year where I have to start thinking about all the stuff I got instead of the stuff I don’t, you remember years back where I was compared to now, I pay for my own Wi-Fi, a four legged son, a phone that has made me one of The Walking Dead etc. Not much movement on the publishing front, though I have a few believers and I have plans upon plans if I can ever get to them. I don’t have “It” though the motivation is building and if I can just get to actually learning, this craft of mine.

I mean to this day I still can’t tell you Lu, what made “Mime No More” so great and while I’ve stopped my Second Circle Creations “Cousin Skeevy” for a bit, my other works aren’t exactly best sellers either. Even today I had a nightmare about you know who and thought there may be consequences and repercussions but again, it’s not like she follows me anymore and I haven’t lost any mutual friends. Between you and me I think my poetry is actually getting better but it lacks that punch, that zing, and these days I’ve been trying to separate the people on Instagram that just want a follow for a follow from the people who are actually interested in whatever I choose to say.

Could be worse, you remember when I was getting requested from every hacker, scammer, dumbass, trying to play to my libido, hell I could have been a moderator… was it my change in writing style. Which leads me to today’s lesson, “It” how do I get It, what do I want with It, what will It change in my life.

“When are you going to this, B? Life for a Slayer is very simple — want…take…have.” Faith, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I need plenty in this life Luna but that never stops the want, you simply make a choice, people think love is so complicated and trust me it can be but love in its simplest form is saying I choose you, three little words. For example, I could use more food… I’m not starving like “M Anime” thinks, I don’t need it but I could use it but I choose to spend forty bucks on Braxton why, because I want or need to, because I love him, because I choose him, to be happy and healthy, clean, safe, everything else.

Is Love “It” at one point I would have answered yes but considering my life “BB” before Braxton, it was more a want, my mom talks about unconditional love being one of the reasons I’m still alive she obviously doesn’t know how many times I almost died. I told you about “Project Alamo” if things got too bad I wouldn’t fail this dying thing again, I couldn’t afford to. I’m sorry this is getting a bit more depressing than I intended, the mind just wants what it wants doesn’t it, yeah explain my poetry again?

“The heart wants what the heart wants,” – Woody Allen

Not the greatest role model, neither is R. Kelly but let’s talk about what the body wants… if I let mine have its say I might still be in bed, great more depression, it’s a miracle I’m even at the dining room table. Don’t ask me how I know but there’s an app that actually keeps track of well… let’s just say Josh Harnett could have used it in “40 Days and 40 Nights” I’m on Day 19. What about the fact that I wouldn’t mind doing some actual physical damage, I still got a cut on my hand, I unloaded my airsoft gun so I could do some shooting, and I got one big ass knife to be sure.

Still sounding scary, is death “It”, Luna no I don’t want to die and to save you the suspense there is but one real “It” and that is POWER. There is nothing more than power, and that’s “It” okay and the Stephen King novel turned movie, I’m going to see.

“I’m not going there to die, I’m going there to find out if I’m really alive” Spike Spiegel, Cowboy Bebop

“Indiana Gone,” asked me the question of the century… I have no illusions of living to a hundred but blah-blah sucks too, anyway so she asked me, what do I want for my “Day”? I gave her the company line of impossible, immoral, or illegal, now of course if I had “It” this would be made moot, I could have anything, power my dear Lady Lu, with that there would be nothing else I wanted or needed in this world.

“Now I will tell you the answer to my question. It is this. The Party seeks power entirely for its own sake. We are not interested in the good of others; we are interested solely in power, pure power. What pure power means you will understand presently. We are different from the oligarchies of the past in that we know what we are doing. All the others, even those who resembled ourselves, were cowards and hypocrites. The German Nazis and the Russian Communists came very close to us in their methods, but they never had the courage to recognize their own motives. They pretended, perhaps they even believed, that they had seized power unwillingly and for a limited time, and that just around the corner there lay a paradise where human beings would be free and equal. We are not like that. We know that no one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it. Power is not a means; it is an end. One does not establish a dictatorship in order to safeguard a revolution; one makes the revolution in order to establish the dictatorship. The object of persecution is persecution. The object of torture is torture. The object of power is power. Now you begin to understand me.”
― George Orwell, 1984

Luna I could only hope to be so wise in my life, knowledge is power but just one of many forms and in the end, I want it all, I said before satisfaction is the death of desire but in the same breath I wish to want for nothing, Doublethink I suppose. “It” is not just being loved but understood, as Winston Smith saw and can you really think of anyone that loves or understands me, I can think of some willing to try and even then I would have to lie to us both. Ask me what I would want if I truly held Aladdin’s lamp, even the genie gave him rules, no asking to kill, no raising, the dead, and no getting someone to fall in love period.

“What does one want when one is engaged in the sexual act? That everything around you gives you its utter attention, think only of you, care only for you…every man wants to be a tyrant when he fornicates.”
Marquis de Sade, Philosophy in the Boudoir

So what do I want… let’s go for two, two, and two, impossible, immoral, and illegal, let’s see: become friends with Ms. Seasons again, and write a best seller. As for immoral… certain women I want in my bed or just to be able to say whatever I pleased and for the world to hear it, know it, understand it, yeah I’m avoiding that one for some reason. Now illegal, one is just bad, and the other, wanting to kill someone, yeah I saw some of the Hostel series and you know my sick mind.

So what have we learned today, besides “It” is relative, when will I see it, who knows but I’m always hoping and I have to see the original movie before the remake, now don’t I? Today though, who knows if “It” will be a pretty face, a load of cash, some new followers, but when I have the power that I want, I will look upon those enemies and I’ll say You Don’t Have “It”.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 036 ~Before Old McDonald’s Farm~

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I wish I could blame some meds, that’s right I’m not taking anything, might need to blame the tasty peanuts and speaking of which I might sound nuts today. Before Old McDonald’s Farm, I am so hungry and so sick

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Lesson 036 ~Before Old McDonald’s Farm~

Hey Lady Lu,
There should be No Fear, they call it domestication, being tamed, broken and while I don’t intend on giving you an object lesson in BDSM today… I was thinking more along the lines of animals. Now, of course, people can become this too, civilization is the word some use for it, adulthood, though I tend to think about it as being institutionalized.

“These walls are funny. First, you hate ’em, then you get used to ’em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That’s institutionalized.” The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

How do you put it back together Lu, hell I have to do it often enough but as you can see I am never the same after each time, indeed far less. If anything it’s just what pieces I’m able to find and fortunately, not all shards are equal, some are more… fun, yeah let’s go with fun. The problem is they all end up in the same place and it doesn’t really matter if you’re still sitting on the farm, instead of running in the Serengeti, now does it.

It sucks trying to change you know, and even worse when you don’t know where you belong or even if there is such a place and so you simply become complacent because there is no choice. That’s what I was thinking about today, forget about the world, or even my mental state, my own body has betrayed me longer than I can remember. I expected neck pain, my back, hell my face or even my tongue but my body wants me to be the same, creature I have always been or even worse than that.

Is it my health or my freedom, today started off with such promise or so I believed and now I’m falling back into that state I was a few days ago. I’ll say it was a brilliant move on my body’s part, what better way to scare me into weakness and submission, or even depression.

Don’t get me wrong Luna I’m damn angry, at my job, at myself, and of course and my own body, it was simply horrible. While I’m talking about my body I have another rule to add, I’ve got to get so much louder when speaking.

“Most people, normal people, do just about anything to avoid a fight.” Fight Club (1999)

If it were any other place Luna and not my job, I would have complained, I would have called them out, hell I’ve called places out for less but I can’t afford another fight at work especially over the grossest bathroom. How about the fact that I was so proud of my record at work and now this is the first time I have ever left because I was sick and I mean ever, so now I feel bad mentally not to mention I lost money. Finally, I think this was because of my anxiety, seriously the moment I started walking to my car I started to feel better, my body doesn’t like it what when I try to eat before work when I try to stand up straight and talk to people, ridiculous right?

Like it’s ridiculous that people get to call me by the wrong name and I don’t say anything, I have a voice I swear Lu, I just don’t use it. So what if I do, do you know how many times I have been mistaken for a girl at some drive thru and again why start a fight about it. What about the every day, I hear myself, I know Braxton hears me, I wonder what I sound like to others if anything my voice just sounds broken and small.

What happened to my ROAR, you know I’m honestly trying to narrow it down to when everything fell apart, that first humiliation that first mistake or moment when fear entered. I’ve got another one for you, I think it was when I turned seven and I watched the cartoon “Beetlejuice” and this character would say “What in tarhooties?!” and copying him I mistakenly said, “what the Hell”, pretty bad then.

That’s the roar that gets the lion shot, that’s the “roar” that gets him mounted as a trophy, something you show off to the other parents and did I mention this happened at my party, you know “The Day”. I became something else maybe, a lion isn’t a lion in the zoo, no animal is exactly what they once were if they ever knew the wild before, they can’t be.

“You ever watch lions at the zoo? You can always tell which ones were captured in the wild by the look in their eyes. The wild cat. She remembers running across the plain, the thrill of the hunt. Four hundred pounds of killing fury, locked in a box. But after a while, their eyes start to glaze over, and you can tell their soul has died. The same thing happens to a man.” XXX (2002)

I tell Braxton all the time to be quiet but he’s a dog and dogs bark, it’s their nature and you can’t fight the biology even if you’re locked in this box with me. Lions and other animals are exactly the same, they are locked away and over time there is just no going back for them, they have the biology but the circumstances just won’t allow it. The same is true of men, Old McDonald had a farm, maybe Old McDonald bought the farm, hell I don’t know his life but this is not the life for me Luna.

A live chicken beats a dead duck… I felt like I was dying this morning and instead I chose to survive, I couldn’t take it but I don’t know what happened. No secret I never want to be at work but I’m telling you now I won’t go back to being just the rat in the cage. So what am I going to do next time, do you still think I should complain about my job, you remembered I survived one sick day but this one was just truly disgusting.

What have I learned today other than the world didn’t end today, that I truly give a crap about my job… and that tomorrow is never promised. Change isn’t easy and when you’re always on the cusp of death, trying to bring life is not a final fantasy which I knew Before Old McDonald’s Farm.