Tag: Women

Lesson 231 ~Bad Things, Not Always~

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All those who wander, hell some days I wish I could join them because even as I lie, here I’m lost just trying to find my place, a better place and wouldn’t it help getting up but then again? Bad Things, Not Always.

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Lesson 231 ~Bad Things, Not Always~

“How? How can I do what is needed, when all I feel is… hate.”

“[holds up black mask] You hide it, with this.” ― from The Mask of Zorro (2008)

Hey Lady Luna,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore as I have said I am a hypocrite again and again, from saying I need to step out to wanting to fall back, from saying I hate the mask to embracing it, to changing why I wear it at all. There are days Lady Lu when I can’t stand my people (Black People), and then there are days I’m quite proud even if I’m in a crowd just wanting to roar truthfully.

“If a man hasn’t found something he will die for, he isn’t fit to live.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

Yes, Black Panther is a good movie, good enough I almost called my mother to come out and support it, if it wasn’t for all the drama at the house or maybe not, I don’t care enough to ask. Speaking of my views on women, Lupita Nyong’o/Nakia and Letitia Wright/Shuri, I’m not sure who I liked more; told you I’m equal opportunity when it comes to women… okay, most women. Anyway, the lesson for today is why aren’t I living, and it’s the fact that I’m still trying to find my place, a solid strategy, my life must have if not a purpose, rules, again I’m all anarchist, but I like an order to things.

“Fathers are supposed to show sons how to be a man in the world, but I guess the world is too much for you.” ― Grotesque, Fear The Walking Dead

In Black Panther, the former king tells T’Challa, a man that hasn’t prepared his children for his death has failed as a father; God knows my father hasn’t, I still have to go to him for everything, and if a catastrophe were to happen, yeah I’m screwed. As far as I know, my father didn’t have his father, and while mine is around I still find myself lost and clueless, barely hanging on and what about my four-legged son? I don’t know what I have to be and I’m so busy trying to appease everyone and keep myself somewhat sane that I fall apart quietly.

I was telling a friend the other day about Black Panther and *spoiler* why is it the white man has to save the day, even in a movie all about black people; it’s cliché as if no one but the white man is capable of such deeds. Not trying to sound political Lady Lu and isn’t this supposed to be about me, I’m not looking to save the world but only me and my son and how do I do that I have to ask.

The mask keeps me employed; if I have to depend on my father, for now… so be it, if it means learning to shut up, or stay clean, then it is what it is which I hate saying. Though you can’t blame me as Killmonger was saying, better to die than live in bondage and while I’m not doing anything stupid, Bad Things, Not Always

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 229 ~Chocolate Game On Lock~

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We’re all the same color when we turn out the light as the song goes and if the world can open its mind to a black superhero, hell I’ve always had an open mind or so I thought, at least when it comes to women. “Chocolate Game On Lock.”

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Lesson 229 ~Chocolate Game On Lock~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

“I’ll admit it. I’m turned on by powerful women. Michelle Obama, Oprah, Condoleezza Rice, Serena Williams…wait a minute.” Modern Family

Come In Dirty Diana,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore so ask me, just ask me, I have one woman that makes it clear and the answer is always no but why is that exactly and the answer is somewhat complicated I suppose but I’m here to think with the little head rather than the big one. Not that you’re new or anything but you know my type, white, preferably brunettes, but blondes, redheads, black hair are all welcome, now I could go on but what’s the keyword in this… white?

Not that I feel the need to defend myself but let’s see, my first “girlfriend” was a sweet Muslim girl, all cocoa, when I was in middle school, I followed around this black girl who wore plaid skirts. When I was a freshman I fell for this senior I rode the bus with, and she sat next to me. As for the plaid skirts that started my full-blown schoolgirl fetish with Lacey Duvalle and I had a thing for Misty Stone in Co-Ed Confidential, Season 4 mind you. There was even a time where I thought Alicia Fox was the hottest woman in the WWE before she went full-blown diva and crazy, let’s not do insane today, I’m too tired.

“Too busy snowflaking. if that’s the case, you best be watching your back. ‘Cause white women don’t bring nothin’ but trouble.”

“That ain’t white women, man. That’s women.” ― from Save The Last Dance (2001)

I take my lumps right; I don’t blame the media, okay so I fantasize about Katniss Everdeen/Jennifer Lawrence, Tris Prior/Shailene Woodley, Mindy Macready (Hit-Girl)/Chloë Grace Moretz, etc. Among black women, I still have a thousand choices, Tessa Thompson, Alicia Keys, Zoe Saldana, Zoë Kravitz, Amandla Stenberg (with her curly hair) because I’m pretty shallow like that. Maybe I’m not in the mood to bring on the smolder today but I’m going out to see Black Panther and while I’m always hoping to meet someone and my parents would be thrilled if she were black *sigh*…

It’s just my whole life I’ve never been black enough, and then when I choose white women over black women, then I hate my mother and don’t misunderstand all women are trouble and are libel to hurt me. I feel ashamed when I think of one particular brunette, and for a while, she turned me off all her ilk, but another one told me that the one who hurt me was stupid and crazy ha.
Stupid and crazy to think I find comfort in that but every king needs a queen and while I could name several black queens. I think I’ll stick to my chocolate for now in candy bars; I may be looking for my swirl, but when it comes to my candy besides Sour Punch I can say Chocolate Game On Lock.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 222 ~#MeToo, Me Three, Foreplay~

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Last week I was worried about Heaven hearing me when misunderstood by a man across the desk and a woman I wouldn’t have minded… shh, you can’t say such things or even the innocent pretty words, don’t even think them “#MeToo, Me Three, Foreplay.”

Thursday, February 8, 2018

Lesson 222 ~#MeToo, Me Three, Foreplay~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, but I should be, I think a lot of men are, and I know we have talked about my mouth on more than one occasion that when it comes to women… at this rate, I have nothing to worry about honestly. If anything I still remember the 5th Amendment, but lately, I have been holding onto the first one as tightly as a Republican with his gun after any recent shooting.

A man with a voice is a dangerous thing these days though it’s more about the physical aspect but it’s these words Dirty Diana, these damn words, and the words are now, the right to remain silent… those would be the Miranda rights? The right to free speech though, I’ve never whistled at some woman, never catcalled, never called some girl a dirty name outside the bedroom or should I just say sexual activity. Funny I thought something like this would scare me the most, well it has but what were the real consequences of any such thing other than looking like a pervert, a Harvey Weinstein or even worse.

You know what word nearly ended me; life, how about a job’s a job, another day, a sigh, a moan, a grunt, and I’m supposed to be worried about calling a woman a slut, a ho, how about whore or bitch? No Dirty Diana they are saying a backlash is coming, you know I can be nice, but a guy can be taken down by an accusation, an acknowledgment of beauty, a look, a movement, my god nothing is safe. Think The Screwfly Solution with the Daughters of Eve rather than the Sons of Adam. I know this isn’t sounding so sexy but these days, silence, isolation, talk about spreading your legs, what about opening your mind, or breaking your heart, hiding everything about ourselves because we’re afraid for men to be men and women to be women and everything.

I respect the #MeToo movement but where does it end, you wonder why I’m so scared to talk to women outside because I’m horrified to talk to anybody and damn my social anxiety, it’s against the law to be me, and I’m made to be something they see which is illegal. Every single word and you could be one of them, #MeToo, Me Three, Foreplay.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 219 ~Dom Like You Mean It~

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I can’t tell myself anything, but for her, I will do the impossible and for me well… how about everyone else, I don’t need a crown or a whole lot of money it helps though just saying. Dom Like You Mean It.

Monday, February 5, 2018

Lesson 219 ~Dom Like You Mean It~

Eighteenth Rule Madam Justice,

I Am Not Afraid Anymore, a dominant has no reason to fear, is it because he has whips, paddles, canes, of course not, is it because he has ropes, and chains, if they’re needed that’s not dominance, is it because he instills fear, the answer is no. A dominant must have control, no more, no less, control and power; control is his but power is given by those that serve, one who willingly submits honestly.

Domination might be a conversation better had with Dirty Diana, but I will try to keep it as clean as I can, god help us, you know that’s not my strong suit, a lack of control thereby I made it a rule. I read somewhere, and this is true that if you enter the lifestyle, BDSM and it’s only about the sex, then you’re in it for the wrong reason, sex is great but why I’m a dominant is for the control and the power. For me this expands far from sex, we don’t fear what we can control, and there are plenty of ways to gain that but imagine if you could just be you, as the bible says no weapon formed against me shall prosper; fear, violence, weakness.

“For Me… You Will” michellegregory.tumblr

People get it backward, a submissive has all the power a dominant has control and when a dominant can willingly get this person or anyone to want to hand over power that is the turn on. A submissive says I can’t, and a dominant speaks you will; there are millions of ways to do this, but when she wants to, I don’t need my hands or gifts, no I don’t need anything (other than their legal consent). To get someone to do what you want, hell even without asking, cue the Homer moan. As I said though I want this in more than the bedroom, I can only imagine the man I would be if my inner dominant came out.

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” Oscar Wilde

The lesson today is if I can be the man who gets a woman to so selflessly want to be mine, who can get a woman to let me see her naked, and I’ve never sent one “pic.” The man that somehow talked a woman from my door to my couch, to my bed, then how dare I look down on myself at all truthfully. I can do what a little boy once thought impossible; I can lead, I can rule, if I want power, Dom Like You Mean It.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 215 ~Who Falls For Heaven~

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I suppose it’s a good thing that Heaven can’t hear me, but that doesn’t stop an angel from listening does it, though I have yet to decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Who Falls For Heaven, it’s not a lie, I hope not, but I’m not getting in.

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Lesson 215 ~Who Falls For Heaven~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore though I should be, shouldn’t I? This whole week has been about being a man. Well let’s be honest, I think I’m less. Only just a man and what can men do? We chase goddesses, angels, queens, princesses, and everything else; I read once about how men are told to build Heaven for angels do not live in Hell, do they?

I don’t look down on women, I’ll even go so far to say that all women are beautiful in specific ways, but my grandmother said I was full of pride, don’t know how but a man wants the highest caliber women he can find or I do at least. The question becomes though why do I chase the most righteous, the most innocent, and the sweetest and suddenly turn around and call them sluts, bitches, and whores with passion. We talked about my mouth before but don’t they say, a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets?

“A man’s sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions… He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value, will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer–because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement.” Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

It all came rushing back to me when I saw some of that movie “From Straight A’s to XXX” which is about Miriam Weeks a.k.a. Belle Knox, starring Haley Pullos; made me break my “No Fap” streak. Only this isn’t me being bitter what I’m talking about is I’m all for keeping a girl on high, the higher she is, the less accessible she is to other men but if you place her to too high then, will I reach her? When it comes to me every day any woman will tell you I’m shy, introverted, reserved, hell I have social anxiety but when it comes to the bedroom scene…

Now while I don’t share Phil Dunphy’s stance on powerful “black” women, and yes I love my mother and my sister just saying. I do like women who hold maybe not power precisely but again righteousness, making her turn her back on her morals and surrendering herself to baser instincts. Heaven and Hell both need acceptance but a man somehow fighting his way to Heaven is one thing an angel choosing Hell is another, and we meet in the middle.

“You’ll float, too, you’ll float, too, you’ll float, too… YOU’LL FLOAT, TOO!” ― It (2017)

It’s strange that I don’t like masochist because they enjoy pain but to take someone who doesn’t and teach them to want it or again a woman who considers herself a slut is good but making a good girl become one is even better. I think denying what we want is just as good as being dead but tell me honestly, Who Falls For Heaven.

“When she’s abandoned her moral center and teachings…when she’s cast aside her facade of propriety and lady-like demeanor…when I have so corrupted this fragile thing and brought out a writhing, mewling, bucking, wanton whore for my enjoyment and pleasure…..enticing from within this feral lioness…growling and scratching and biting…taking everything I dish out to her…..at that moment she is never more beautiful to me.” ― by Marquis de Sade (1740–1814)

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 203 ~What’s A Death Sentence~

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What can’t we talk about and why can’t we talk about it, death, doom, pain, madness, and what does it matter who sees, because it’s my fingers on the keys, my words that are not understood by most. What’s A Death Sentence hmm

Saturday, January 20, 2018

Lesson 203 ~What’s A Death Sentence~

“we’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys us.”
― Paulo Coelho, from Veronika Decides to Die

Hey Lady Lu
I Am Not Afraid Anymore because to be afraid of itself is just action and this entire week sadly I have been a man of inaction for the most part. You see I stand as a man convicted of nothing more than memories and a promise and come tomorrow I will have fulfilled that promise and will probably write my death sentence.

What promise is that you ask “to not say one more word about…” anyway I have done so, I believe, but even that has now allowed me to live as I should which begs the question, what’s a death sentence. It might be like an unwritten rule and you know I’ve been into writing plenty which might be a problem when I made it out to be the solution, still trusting that writing might be my salvation. You know how I like zombies and how someone is working on a virus right now but you know something, that virus is fear, it is what makes us all The Walking Dead.

It is a prospect that twists in my guts and stops me from doing anything; it is the knife turning in my skull leaking all of the ideas but rendering me incapable of writing. It’s the voice in your head, the whispers, the screams, but most of all the guilt and judgment of those that would make themselves your doctors, your judges, and your God. My dear a death sentence is when you open your mouth to speak and what you hear from others is nothing but laughter as if your life is nothing more than the biggest joke in the world to them all.

“So this is how liberty dies, with thunderous applause.” ― Padmé, Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith

A death sentence is a truth you must bleed for; they say the truth shall set you free, and I would like to add “of the mortal coil.” Yes, a death sentence spells freedom for once you have accepted the fact that you will die, that you will lose everything, and who you are in every breath, what you feel is no longer shame, then there is no fear anymore.

Lady Luna, a death sentence can be as beautiful as a kiss, a moment gasping for air, every drop that leaves the body that represents life, you know what I mean, damn censorship, right? So what have I learned today, that I could be looking at my favorite mistake, indeed who knows, sadly I feel these conversations of ours are just continuing to repeat the question What’s A Death Sentence?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 200 ~Comments Trump, Weinstein, Will~

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Do you know anyone that starts the day with, “Let’s Get Ready For Sinning” trust me I don’t though I have to confess? As per usual that by the end of the day I’ll break a few laws, ruffle some feathers, sometimes? Comments Trump, Weinstein, Will

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Lesson 200 ~Comments Trump, Weinstein, Will~

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, how can I be, when I can’t decide whether or not I’m the monster, I pray the police don’t come knocking on my door, or hell, the monster might not find me worthy of getting? Perhaps Inspector Echo, I should just skip to the same old sin on a different day because as a new rule there’s, Difference Between Sense And Censor.

So last night I’m hanging in “NanoLand” on Facebook and as usual someone post some wicked story ideas one being the “Locket of Lust,” and they ask the group what would you prefer so yeah I’m always one for lust. Now my comment “Hollywood and Adult Video” only I didn’t say adult video but this is sort of the difference between Trump saying Sh*thole and Sh*thouse, and yeah I’m censoring myself on purpose. “Wow ew. That’s gross. You’re gross,” and in classic Will fashion, I delete my comment, and go through a few agonizing hours of maybe I should just shut up; I’m more ashamed to say I envy Trump because he seems to have no shame whatsoever with all his tweets or comments publicly.

You know what I won’t apologize for, being a writer, wanting to start my own company “Second Circle Creations,” or reading all the dark erotica I can and if that makes me a monster, skeevy, and gross, then so be it. I have plenty of sins that I should find myself arrested for no doubt, from talking blue in the face to blue balls because I am often humiliated and ashamed, but I spent my life living in some make-believe land of love… people change. You know why I don’t fear the critics destroying me because just like last night I will set every word I have to flame and never write again because someone disagrees, disapproves, disallows, and plays judge, jury, and executioner only to find I no longer exist, why I avoid mirrors.

How about the fact that sometimes I comfort myself that I’ve never become anything like Weinstein. I have too much Social Anxiety to speak out loud like Trump, but worse yet, I still feel the need to confess, to explain, how my father would say “you haven’t heard the latest’ and there goes the money shot. Inspector Echo I ask your forgiveness, for yet another stupid comment, for being gross, skeeve, perverted, depraved, and everything else, for having no sense and wanting to censor, for having no courage, for not shutting up, for having fetishes.

I apologize for giving up on one dream for another I would burn to the ground, and also for thinking the worst of others, for my confessions, and explanations and this life of mine, I’m sure there will always be more Comments Trump, Weinstein, Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 196 ~A Sight To See~

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The look of love, although I’m sure all the treats and getting to sleep in my bed helps as well, and if I have to be a seeing eye man for him than so be, I’m just upset that the world is such an ugly and scary place to see. “A Sight To See,” one day…

Saturday, January 13, 2018

Lesson 196 ~A Sight To See~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, it will all be there tomorrow, that’s what I tell my dog all the time when he’s in a rush for his walk or to go outside and play, it will all be there tomorrow. Maybe it’s a bad habit, pushing for tomorrow when there is only today and who knows what tomorrow bring; didn’t I already say once, leave every problem to tomorrow, make your troubles run from you.

It helps when you can see them, yes I’m still thinking about the bitch with a blog, hell I’m nevertheless thinking about my blog, one-hundred and ninety-six days in and I always feel the need to explain myself. If I could only see myself the way my son sees me and who knows how long that will last as I just got the news yesterday, the vet says my son is starting to develop cataracts. Trust me, Lady Luna, I hate the look of this world, to quote the president “shithole” see I’m good enough to be president though that isn’t a good thing anymore.

I want to show my kid, yeah he’s thirteen now which is maybe sixty-eight in dog years, last I checked and hope but anyway I want him to see a world that we don’t have to be afraid of; hell at least he dares to see it. There is no such luck for me, you know I’m one for definitions of Hell and here are a few more, Hell is despising who you see in the mirror, it’s condemning who other people see when they look at you, it’s finding yourself stuck, frozen, lake Cocytus. Lady Luna, Hell is people leaving, it’s so close to something you desire and knowing you’ll never have it. Indeed it’s a fire that burns in all the wrong ways.

The thing is I still want to see it, I want him to see it, but I can’t help, but wonder has it passed us by, is it only in our heads, why is it I love the darkness, but I would want to end it all if I ever went blind? Wouldn’t it be something if we all could see through the eyes of those who love us, imagine how we would feel then?

That is what I have learned today, I look at him, and from the first moment I have loved him, cared for him, and I would be his eyes if he needs me to be, now if only I cared to see myself, would I become A Sight To See?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 193 ~I Need A Raise~

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Well at least I never considered myself a cave woman, though I may speak like a caveman at least I’m making noise but how did they scare the beasts back then, I’ll tell you with such thunderous voices. “I Need A Raise,” money, and guns say more.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Lesson 193 ~I Need A Raise~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, I mean by the time I get to the car and the music is blasting out so I can’t hear myself in my head when I’m sure that they have forgotten about me when my courage returns that I often mistake for some great insanity.

I need to raise my voice Inspector Echo, and no I don’t mean in a mean way, as the song goes “I think I use to have a voice, and now I barely make a sound,” I know what I sound like singing… yikes but just everyday speaking. Now it’s funny that I say that when there are plenty of devices to help with projection and still I damn near have a panic attack every time I have to page someone at work or speak on the radio. I keep saying I want the world to hear me and then I have nothing to say, I’m stupid, or a clown.

To most people, I damn sure ain’t a man when it comes to talking in the drive-thru or on the phone, and I don’t bother to correct them at all. “Act like a bitch, get slapped like a bitch,” as one of the hottest actresses on the planet said, and I know surely enough I whine like a bitch. It could be that I’m ashamed of who I am, have I forgotten what it means to speak like a man, did I ever know in the first place Inspector Echo.

“Fathers are supposed to show sons how to be a man in the world, but I guess the world is too much for you.” ― Grotesque, Fear The Walking Dead

My father gave into aggression, to the dark side, and every day I find myself giving into that, it’s when I feel such surging rage that my courage is at its highest or is it passion? That would be my greatest sin, and I could go on and on for days, but I’m also mad at the fact that I have to keep myself penned in all the time because I feel like I might hurt someone, you know more than most that my words will someday lead to new actions. Perhaps I feign cowardice to keep the monster inside me pacified to a degree.

I ask your forgiveness Inspector Echo for my quietus when it comes to my speaking, stupidity, identity, weakness, and all my madness; I still have a voice that one day *sigh* money is power, it speaks, I Need A Raise.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 189 ~Need A Bigger Boat~

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Is a sin in the thought or the action, if anything for so few that I genuinely commit, Hell is growing pretty big, and what a way to start off a Happy New Year, am I right, not usually. “Need A Bigger Boat”; I’m not a shark, a devil or anything worse

Saturday, January 6, 2018

Lesson 189 ~Need A Bigger Boat~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, Hell takes a long time to build; call it a revelation, an epiphany, the ramblings of a desperate man perhaps, no, that’s what I’m discovering, that Heaven finds itself lost in despair that it damns us all. No, what I find Hell to be Lady Luna is greedy, and in that greed, you see other sins but also the ability to be selective and exclusive.

Honestly, what would I know, I’ve never been to a club though we can add that to my to-do list as in I want to own my adult dungeon someday, just another production brought to you by “Second Circle Creations.” So back to Hell, think the Cold War, nukes in the closet amongst other things. Everything we horde and we just pack it in only we need more room. Fear plus Hope equals courage, but if you asked me the definition of Hell at this moment and knowing me I have several, Hell is merely awaiting the greatest fear you’ll ever understand, doing so for all eternity and then some.

Maybe that’s what I’m doing these days, and the thing about it is, I consider myself an open person… careful, every time I think something like that I think of her when I hear the song “Something Just Like This,” when I cast her in the center of Cocytus, and even with the current news. You see Luna just because there is a stairway to Heaven and a highway to Hell doesn’t mean you’ll find your way in which is why I feel Hell must constantly expand and Heaven, well, I don’t know, but we hide our sins don’t we? I’m trying not to anymore, “trying,” I informed “Indiana Gone” I feel strange saying try, no I do, then again.

I remember when my sins were small enough to hide in a trashcan on one slip of paper and look at me now, I have books full of secrets, my sins scattered across the Internet, a closet full of clothes just waiting for some girl to fill them. Luna, it’s cold outside, so why am I burning up right now?

So what have I learned today, I’m picky when it comes to women, secrets, the life I choose to lead but I don’t know what to blame for my loneliness though I have plenty of room and yet even with everything I have cut off and deleted. Somehow I think we Need A Bigger Boat.

I Will Have No Fear