Tag: Women

Lesson 242 ~Learned From The Best~

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I’ve learned you don’t have to make sense, I’ve learned that being a man means I’m usually wrong and strangely enough I needed God to tell me that, by the way, do you think he has a missus? “Learned From The Best,” a world full of women and all.

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Lesson 242 ~Learned From The Best~

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, or at least I have forgotten some, though I do wonder if I had more fears then than now, I think it has to be the latter. Haven’t you ever wondered why I call these conversations with you, the other girls and myself lessons; if anything I might as well be keeping a journal as one of the characters in Stephen King’s “It,” and speaking of fears I haven’t forgotten, *sigh* clowns.

Girls are less scary, I don’t remember getting spankings from my mom, grandmas, great grandmas, the worst beatings I remember were all from men but the physical pain has nothing on the mind. I think I told you or maybe I didn’t, who knows, anyway when I was in the fourth or the fifth grade, I smacked a girl on the ass and as far as I know, she liked it, and plenty of people congratulated me, but my father threatened to beat my ass. Is this going to turn into a defense of my father, he cheated on my mom so I think I’m decent there and I have said my mother taught me to be a gentleman at least to a certain degree.

“We’re a generation of men raised by women. I’m wondering if another woman is really the answer we need.” ― Tyler Durden, Fight Club (1999)

Don’t get me wrong Inspector Echo, if you want to know who indeed taught me to hate myself I can talk about my father forever, but today during one of my frozen moments of regret and shame, I remembered when I was a little kid and I was at a store. I wasn’t trying to be gross or skeevy (I’ll never forget) I was just trying to find a place to hide and to play, and I ended up seeing this girl, and her mom nearly killed me on the spot. When I was in church, they had this tradition or something of the Tom Thumb Wedding, and everyone was like I should marry this girl Jeanette… it never happened.

You have to forgive me Inspector Echo, I wanted to explain why it was girls that turned me “icky” and I probably will at some point but long story short it was women themselves that warped my perception of women. I’m sorry I’m the one that’s icky now or perverted, depraved, skeevy and all that. Though I’ve never cheated on one, never hit one, besides my sister (childhood), and that I still can’t get over some past misdeeds, but you know, Learned From The Best.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 238 ~Waste Not, Want Not~

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Often when I get done with my writing, I think of how many words I wasted and how many things I want to say but going on two hundred and thirty-eight days there are always more thoughts, more words, more time to spend. “Waste Not, Want Not”

Saturday, February 24, 2018

Lesson 238 ~Waste Not, Want Not~

Hey Lady Luna,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, angry some, horny most days, exhausted always, and don’t even get me started on how I feel about my job… is there yet a word for such emotion because there isn’t just fear. This morning though I had to draw upon anger and what I realized is that my rage is not some finite resource, there is plenty to burn, so it’s not wasted but is it wanted, and yes I even looked up the old saying.

I spend my anger to keep it from overflowing, and that’s probably not the safest thing to say in this climate, but of course, you know who draws most of my anger. Wouldn’t I suggest the same of my lust but though I have a high sex drive, my money situation, well… just another reason to envy Christian Grey but I’m sure that leather costs more than the outfits I buy for potential submissives. My dollars could be better spent on a softer bed, two birds with one stone because apparently, I’m not getting enough sleep, but for a second day, I dragged myself to the dining room table to talk to you and work.

Is it sad that I feel like I’m wasting a god awful number of words, it beats having to talk to actual people next week, and even then I wouldn’t be allowed my first amendment? In this way, I don’t waste the truth on those people either, and as I’ve learned Lady Lu, with most girls, even speaking a fraction of the truth means I don’t get the girl but not talking at all? I’m sure I’ll go back to saving money now that Indiana Gone has departed, I’m going to miss having a movie partner but when’s the last time I wasted any tears?

The worst things Lady Luna are either immeasurable or I hoard but what about the best things… I suppose love can be a bit of both, I love my dog, but when it comes to myself, I don’t waste any, but I seem to be like everyone else, my company is unwelcome. For me, time is what I lose the most of, and that is what leaves me wanting, more money, more power, more women.

So what have I learned today, spend anger but keep enough to write, don’t waste money on a submissive you don’t plan on finding, spare less on sleep so you’ll have a lot more to contemplate Waste Not, Want Not?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 236 ~Doing It After Dark~

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Someday it will all be in black and white, a BDSM contract, the book I need to write to fund my fetishes and the woman in my bed, and I’m not talking about Betty Boop. Doing It After Dark, how about an afternoon delight, Halloween, at the beach, etc.

Thursday, February 22, 2018

Lesson 236 ~Doing It After Dark~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

I Am Not Afraid Anymore, I’m not afraid of the dark either, and it should come as no surprise that black is my favorite color for most things, of course, I do have some exceptions to the rule. For example, red is my second favorite color, but honestly, if I were to build a playroom, I’d make it black. I got a friend who is heavy into purple, but this isn’t “Saint’s Row” my color choices favor The Morningstar, but then we might be talking about the wrong playroom right?

Speaking of black *ahem* contract, I should probably draw up a BDSM contract seeing as how these days have been spent shopping for potential submissives, can you say I have high hopes? Honestly, I know that such women exist but shouldn’t I spend more time working on myself… it doesn’t matter when the lights are out but then tell me why I spend so much money on colorful things? Just so full of questions, full of myself, wish I could say the same about my bank account, staying in the black, or as the Beatles sang “can’t but my love.”

I know I often repeat the same mistakes and stories but have I mentioned I am into voyeurism and exhibitionism; probably one of my biggest fantasies is a sex tape, this past week I’ve had the yearnings of a photographer for the perfect shot. Perfectionism has always been my curse, chasing something that doesn’t exist which explains the schoolgirl, Asian, and princess ensemble I’ve assembled so far. Funny women want the world and then claim to be every woman like that Whitney Houston song, and somehow I intend to make one or several prove it.

Yes I’m still into brunettes, and I still can’t figure out how that came about; like I told someone, brunettes and blondes/etc. are like crunchy and soft tacos, I’ll eat either but crunchy is my favorite and no I’m not talking about age today. It’s a wondrous world of color out there, and I’m just thinking why waste it in the dark, though forever and a day my bed has been my place, that’s sad?

A guy like me might as well be dreaming of such things I suppose than bathing someone in the flash of an iPhone camera and besides my bed is black too besides dog hair. Another reason I need some creativity like doing it in the park, doing it after dark.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 235 ~Skeletons In The Closet~

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I’ve never been the one to lay my coat in a puddle of water; I offered my hoody to a girl once to protect her hair. I’m interested if I remove my hoody because I’m hot and bothered, but I don’t care what I wear. Skeletons In The Closet

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Lesson 235 ~Skeletons In The Closet~

“I said I’m sorry mama!
I never meant to hurt you!
I never meant to make you cry, but tonight
I’m cleaning out my closet.”
Eminem, Cleaning Out My Closet

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, though why do I get the feeling I used this theme before, in any case, I have plenty of sins this week. Maybe, for the most part, it’s “Minority Report” things I will do, things I have done but nothing in the present moment, another blessing of being alone, you can’t hurt anybody at all but yourself.

Last night, for example, I discovered I’m haunted still from the sins of my past, but I gave that crime a name, and even now I won’t do it again but did it not take courage to do it at all? To hope gives one courage or it can drive you mad, like Emeric Marceaux, but his hope brings high reward as he got the girl in the end, and he avoided looking like a pervert or with all his wealth he was allowed to be, but he wasn’t. At least I think so honestly.

Tony Montana talks about money, power, and then the woman, I’ve skipped the second step because I don’t have enough money for the first. I told a friend once who is perpetually naked because she complains she has nothing to wear, that I thought women liked pretty clothes. Funny how that works, when you have the girl they want clothes, but if you find beautiful things before getting the woman, then you’re creepy, sad, skeevy. Same old sin I suppose that I have to get out, that I have to purge, but there has been too much time on my hands, amongst other things also.

“If she only knew how many size-seven replacements I’ve bought her. The whole damn closet behind me is filled, not just with shoes, but clothes and bags and… Jesus, I sound like a psychopath, even in my head. I’m not even a shopper. Fucking hate it.” Pam Godwin, Dark Notes

There’s not just one reason to watch porn; I could be like any other guy, but no. I’m the one looking up what an actress wears, I’m the one buying things and putting them in my closet awaiting her arrival, and I might as well be one of those guys buying a “RealDoll” or a Fleshlight. Aren’t there worst things to hide in the closet, guns, drugs, real skeletons, but no just pretty clothes and sex toys, and “if I were a rich man, Yubby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum” no worries there.

You might think that would worry me though, my sexuality, my fashion sense, the last time I was trying to take some girl’s clothes off rather than put them on her, but I’m sorry it doesn’t. I’m sorry I don’t get out more, I’m sorry I would instead air some clean laundry because I’m still sitting in my dirty laundry, I’ll probably be sorry if anybody sees all of this but Skeletons In The Closet.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 231 ~Bad Things, Not Always~

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All those who wander, hell some days I wish I could join them because even as I lie, here I’m lost just trying to find my place, a better place and wouldn’t it help getting up but then again? Bad Things, Not Always.

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Lesson 231 ~Bad Things, Not Always~

“How? How can I do what is needed, when all I feel is… hate.”

“[holds up black mask] You hide it, with this.” ― from The Mask of Zorro (2008)

Hey Lady Luna,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore as I have said I am a hypocrite again and again, from saying I need to step out to wanting to fall back, from saying I hate the mask to embracing it, to changing why I wear it at all. There are days Lady Lu when I can’t stand my people (Black People), and then there are days I’m quite proud even if I’m in a crowd just wanting to roar truthfully.

“If a man hasn’t found something he will die for, he isn’t fit to live.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

Yes, Black Panther is a good movie, good enough I almost called my mother to come out and support it, if it wasn’t for all the drama at the house or maybe not, I don’t care enough to ask. Speaking of my views on women, Lupita Nyong’o/Nakia and Letitia Wright/Shuri, I’m not sure who I liked more; told you I’m equal opportunity when it comes to women… okay, most women. Anyway, the lesson for today is why aren’t I living, and it’s the fact that I’m still trying to find my place, a solid strategy, my life must have if not a purpose, rules, again I’m all anarchist, but I like an order to things.

“Fathers are supposed to show sons how to be a man in the world, but I guess the world is too much for you.” ― Grotesque, Fear The Walking Dead

In Black Panther, the former king tells T’Challa, a man that hasn’t prepared his children for his death has failed as a father; God knows my father hasn’t, I still have to go to him for everything, and if a catastrophe were to happen, yeah I’m screwed. As far as I know, my father didn’t have his father, and while mine is around I still find myself lost and clueless, barely hanging on and what about my four-legged son? I don’t know what I have to be and I’m so busy trying to appease everyone and keep myself somewhat sane that I fall apart quietly.

I was telling a friend the other day about Black Panther and *spoiler* why is it the white man has to save the day, even in a movie all about black people; it’s cliché as if no one but the white man is capable of such deeds. Not trying to sound political Lady Lu and isn’t this supposed to be about me, I’m not looking to save the world but only me and my son and how do I do that I have to ask.

The mask keeps me employed; if I have to depend on my father, for now… so be it, if it means learning to shut up, or stay clean, then it is what it is which I hate saying. Though you can’t blame me as Killmonger was saying, better to die than live in bondage and while I’m not doing anything stupid, Bad Things, Not Always

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 229 ~Chocolate Game On Lock~

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We’re all the same color when we turn out the light as the song goes and if the world can open its mind to a black superhero, hell I’ve always had an open mind or so I thought, at least when it comes to women. “Chocolate Game On Lock.”

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Lesson 229 ~Chocolate Game On Lock~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

“I’ll admit it. I’m turned on by powerful women. Michelle Obama, Oprah, Condoleezza Rice, Serena Williams…wait a minute.” Modern Family

Come In Dirty Diana,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore so ask me, just ask me, I have one woman that makes it clear and the answer is always no but why is that exactly and the answer is somewhat complicated I suppose but I’m here to think with the little head rather than the big one. Not that you’re new or anything but you know my type, white, preferably brunettes, but blondes, redheads, black hair are all welcome, now I could go on but what’s the keyword in this… white?

Not that I feel the need to defend myself but let’s see, my first “girlfriend” was a sweet Muslim girl, all cocoa, when I was in middle school, I followed around this black girl who wore plaid skirts. When I was a freshman I fell for this senior I rode the bus with, and she sat next to me. As for the plaid skirts that started my full-blown schoolgirl fetish with Lacey Duvalle and I had a thing for Misty Stone in Co-Ed Confidential, Season 4 mind you. There was even a time where I thought Alicia Fox was the hottest woman in the WWE before she went full-blown diva and crazy, let’s not do insane today, I’m too tired.

“Too busy snowflaking. if that’s the case, you best be watching your back. ‘Cause white women don’t bring nothin’ but trouble.”

“That ain’t white women, man. That’s women.” ― from Save The Last Dance (2001)

I take my lumps right; I don’t blame the media, okay so I fantasize about Katniss Everdeen/Jennifer Lawrence, Tris Prior/Shailene Woodley, Mindy Macready (Hit-Girl)/Chloë Grace Moretz, etc. Among black women, I still have a thousand choices, Tessa Thompson, Alicia Keys, Zoe Saldana, Zoë Kravitz, Amandla Stenberg (with her curly hair) because I’m pretty shallow like that. Maybe I’m not in the mood to bring on the smolder today but I’m going out to see Black Panther and while I’m always hoping to meet someone and my parents would be thrilled if she were black *sigh*…

It’s just my whole life I’ve never been black enough, and then when I choose white women over black women, then I hate my mother and don’t misunderstand all women are trouble and are libel to hurt me. I feel ashamed when I think of one particular brunette, and for a while, she turned me off all her ilk, but another one told me that the one who hurt me was stupid and crazy ha.
Stupid and crazy to think I find comfort in that but every king needs a queen and while I could name several black queens. I think I’ll stick to my chocolate for now in candy bars; I may be looking for my swirl, but when it comes to my candy besides Sour Punch I can say Chocolate Game On Lock.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 222 ~#MeToo, Me Three, Foreplay~

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Last week I was worried about Heaven hearing me when misunderstood by a man across the desk and a woman I wouldn’t have minded… shh, you can’t say such things or even the innocent pretty words, don’t even think them “#MeToo, Me Three, Foreplay.”

Thursday, February 8, 2018

Lesson 222 ~#MeToo, Me Three, Foreplay~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, but I should be, I think a lot of men are, and I know we have talked about my mouth on more than one occasion that when it comes to women… at this rate, I have nothing to worry about honestly. If anything I still remember the 5th Amendment, but lately, I have been holding onto the first one as tightly as a Republican with his gun after any recent shooting.

A man with a voice is a dangerous thing these days though it’s more about the physical aspect but it’s these words Dirty Diana, these damn words, and the words are now, the right to remain silent… those would be the Miranda rights? The right to free speech though, I’ve never whistled at some woman, never catcalled, never called some girl a dirty name outside the bedroom or should I just say sexual activity. Funny I thought something like this would scare me the most, well it has but what were the real consequences of any such thing other than looking like a pervert, a Harvey Weinstein or even worse.

You know what word nearly ended me; life, how about a job’s a job, another day, a sigh, a moan, a grunt, and I’m supposed to be worried about calling a woman a slut, a ho, how about whore or bitch? No Dirty Diana they are saying a backlash is coming, you know I can be nice, but a guy can be taken down by an accusation, an acknowledgment of beauty, a look, a movement, my god nothing is safe. Think The Screwfly Solution with the Daughters of Eve rather than the Sons of Adam. I know this isn’t sounding so sexy but these days, silence, isolation, talk about spreading your legs, what about opening your mind, or breaking your heart, hiding everything about ourselves because we’re afraid for men to be men and women to be women and everything.

I respect the #MeToo movement but where does it end, you wonder why I’m so scared to talk to women outside because I’m horrified to talk to anybody and damn my social anxiety, it’s against the law to be me, and I’m made to be something they see which is illegal. Every single word and you could be one of them, #MeToo, Me Three, Foreplay.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 219 ~Dom Like You Mean It~

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I can’t tell myself anything, but for her, I will do the impossible and for me well… how about everyone else, I don’t need a crown or a whole lot of money it helps though just saying. Dom Like You Mean It.

Monday, February 5, 2018

Lesson 219 ~Dom Like You Mean It~

Eighteenth Rule Madam Justice,

I Am Not Afraid Anymore, a dominant has no reason to fear, is it because he has whips, paddles, canes, of course not, is it because he has ropes, and chains, if they’re needed that’s not dominance, is it because he instills fear, the answer is no. A dominant must have control, no more, no less, control and power; control is his but power is given by those that serve, one who willingly submits honestly.

Domination might be a conversation better had with Dirty Diana, but I will try to keep it as clean as I can, god help us, you know that’s not my strong suit, a lack of control thereby I made it a rule. I read somewhere, and this is true that if you enter the lifestyle, BDSM and it’s only about the sex, then you’re in it for the wrong reason, sex is great but why I’m a dominant is for the control and the power. For me this expands far from sex, we don’t fear what we can control, and there are plenty of ways to gain that but imagine if you could just be you, as the bible says no weapon formed against me shall prosper; fear, violence, weakness.

“For Me… You Will” michellegregory.tumblr

People get it backward, a submissive has all the power a dominant has control and when a dominant can willingly get this person or anyone to want to hand over power that is the turn on. A submissive says I can’t, and a dominant speaks you will; there are millions of ways to do this, but when she wants to, I don’t need my hands or gifts, no I don’t need anything (other than their legal consent). To get someone to do what you want, hell even without asking, cue the Homer moan. As I said though I want this in more than the bedroom, I can only imagine the man I would be if my inner dominant came out.

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” Oscar Wilde

The lesson today is if I can be the man who gets a woman to so selflessly want to be mine, who can get a woman to let me see her naked, and I’ve never sent one “pic.” The man that somehow talked a woman from my door to my couch, to my bed, then how dare I look down on myself at all truthfully. I can do what a little boy once thought impossible; I can lead, I can rule, if I want power, Dom Like You Mean It.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 215 ~Who Falls For Heaven~

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I suppose it’s a good thing that Heaven can’t hear me, but that doesn’t stop an angel from listening does it, though I have yet to decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Who Falls For Heaven, it’s not a lie, I hope not, but I’m not getting in.

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Lesson 215 ~Who Falls For Heaven~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore though I should be, shouldn’t I? This whole week has been about being a man. Well let’s be honest, I think I’m less. Only just a man and what can men do? We chase goddesses, angels, queens, princesses, and everything else; I read once about how men are told to build Heaven for angels do not live in Hell, do they?

I don’t look down on women, I’ll even go so far to say that all women are beautiful in specific ways, but my grandmother said I was full of pride, don’t know how but a man wants the highest caliber women he can find or I do at least. The question becomes though why do I chase the most righteous, the most innocent, and the sweetest and suddenly turn around and call them sluts, bitches, and whores with passion. We talked about my mouth before but don’t they say, a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets?

“A man’s sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions… He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value, will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer–because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement.” Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

It all came rushing back to me when I saw some of that movie “From Straight A’s to XXX” which is about Miriam Weeks a.k.a. Belle Knox, starring Haley Pullos; made me break my “No Fap” streak. Only this isn’t me being bitter what I’m talking about is I’m all for keeping a girl on high, the higher she is, the less accessible she is to other men but if you place her to too high then, will I reach her? When it comes to me every day any woman will tell you I’m shy, introverted, reserved, hell I have social anxiety but when it comes to the bedroom scene…

Now while I don’t share Phil Dunphy’s stance on powerful “black” women, and yes I love my mother and my sister just saying. I do like women who hold maybe not power precisely but again righteousness, making her turn her back on her morals and surrendering herself to baser instincts. Heaven and Hell both need acceptance but a man somehow fighting his way to Heaven is one thing an angel choosing Hell is another, and we meet in the middle.

“You’ll float, too, you’ll float, too, you’ll float, too… YOU’LL FLOAT, TOO!” ― It (2017)

It’s strange that I don’t like masochist because they enjoy pain but to take someone who doesn’t and teach them to want it or again a woman who considers herself a slut is good but making a good girl become one is even better. I think denying what we want is just as good as being dead but tell me honestly, Who Falls For Heaven.

“When she’s abandoned her moral center and teachings…when she’s cast aside her facade of propriety and lady-like demeanor…when I have so corrupted this fragile thing and brought out a writhing, mewling, bucking, wanton whore for my enjoyment and pleasure…..enticing from within this feral lioness…growling and scratching and biting…taking everything I dish out to her…..at that moment she is never more beautiful to me.” ― by Marquis de Sade (1740–1814)

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 203 ~What’s A Death Sentence~

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What can’t we talk about and why can’t we talk about it, death, doom, pain, madness, and what does it matter who sees, because it’s my fingers on the keys, my words that are not understood by most. What’s A Death Sentence hmm

Saturday, January 20, 2018

Lesson 203 ~What’s A Death Sentence~

“we’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys us.”
― Paulo Coelho, from Veronika Decides to Die

Hey Lady Lu
I Am Not Afraid Anymore because to be afraid of itself is just action and this entire week sadly I have been a man of inaction for the most part. You see I stand as a man convicted of nothing more than memories and a promise and come tomorrow I will have fulfilled that promise and will probably write my death sentence.

What promise is that you ask “to not say one more word about…” anyway I have done so, I believe, but even that has now allowed me to live as I should which begs the question, what’s a death sentence. It might be like an unwritten rule and you know I’ve been into writing plenty which might be a problem when I made it out to be the solution, still trusting that writing might be my salvation. You know how I like zombies and how someone is working on a virus right now but you know something, that virus is fear, it is what makes us all The Walking Dead.

It is a prospect that twists in my guts and stops me from doing anything; it is the knife turning in my skull leaking all of the ideas but rendering me incapable of writing. It’s the voice in your head, the whispers, the screams, but most of all the guilt and judgment of those that would make themselves your doctors, your judges, and your God. My dear a death sentence is when you open your mouth to speak and what you hear from others is nothing but laughter as if your life is nothing more than the biggest joke in the world to them all.

“So this is how liberty dies, with thunderous applause.” ― Padmé, Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith

A death sentence is a truth you must bleed for; they say the truth shall set you free, and I would like to add “of the mortal coil.” Yes, a death sentence spells freedom for once you have accepted the fact that you will die, that you will lose everything, and who you are in every breath, what you feel is no longer shame, then there is no fear anymore.

Lady Luna, a death sentence can be as beautiful as a kiss, a moment gasping for air, every drop that leaves the body that represents life, you know what I mean, damn censorship, right? So what have I learned today, that I could be looking at my favorite mistake, indeed who knows, sadly I feel these conversations of ours are just continuing to repeat the question What’s A Death Sentence?

I Will Have No Fear