Tag: Women

Lesson 011 ~That’s Not a Compliment~

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If you told me I was a good person I would be waiting for the but what, and if you insulted me, figures, something backhanded though truly irks me. That’s Not a Compliment, not that I get many at all and why should I believe you at all

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Lesson 011 ~That’s Not a Compliment~

Hey Lu,
It’s not a compliment that the first time I thought of you in years was when I was having a crisis, for that I’m sorry but I promise this isn’t going to be one of my most apologetic lessons. I suppose it’s not a compliment to be so down all of the time either and expect you to pick up the pieces and yet here we are together.

What about it’s not a compliment to be named the quietest one in school, what was that the sixth grade maybe? It’s not a compliment to be thought of as so stupid that your parents actually wanted to pay somebody off to take your take home final exam now, is it? The same goes for cheating another final exam to pass a grade, hell I was smart enough to do it but I wouldn’t have had a chance in Hell otherwise and that’s a fact.

Lady Lu it’s not a compliment to have so many enemies that you get called into the office by three of them, saying you’re upset because they’re better at sports… back when my word was good and for the record, everybody was better than me at sports. Well not running and that takes me back to say that it’s not a compliment to be called a fast runner because you spend most of your days running from whoever wants to kick your ass that week. On that note that was until I was voted most likely to snap, now while other people’s fear is sort of a turn on and it was my own fault it’s still not complimentary really.

Neither is it to be the guy that all your classmates try to pick off for a class project because you were thought to be some sort of a smarty-pants. How about when the teacher would call me professor or the time I burst into tears in French class and suddenly my teacher wants to intervene and call it a job well done that day.

Now I know you’re probably wondering what brought all this on and first Luna I would have to say that the more things change the more they stay the same. Secondly, I’m trying to find the line you know, I went all “Cousin Skeevy” yes I know the day is coming where I won’t remember that incident, though to be honest I actually might have an idea about that maybe.

Okay maybe some people are trying to be nice but being called dependable and responsible just so people can use *cough* work *cough* is not a good thing. Being placated by my employer or being expected to call my olds something breaks down because I’m too stupid to do anything about it myself. What about when people say you do something well just trying to be nice but don’t I know better, so many conspiracies.

What about what line not to cross, I have yet to read an erotic novel where the guy wasn’t so hardcore criminal, mafia somebody, or billionaire, okay I read the darker ones but those guys can get away with saying anything. Speaking of which is my “Cousin Skeevy” idea, the best ideas come in the shower and I was thinking about completely revamping my blog, I swear getting angry and the spirit of competition with oh what’s her face. Anyway, Cousin Skeevy will be the pages for my well, skeevy writing… strange I want to be read and at the same time not being read is making me somewhat bold.

Did I mention being called skeevy is not a compliment of course but considering what I want to call some girls in the bedroom; excuse me for getting into “ExCoGi”. Isn’t that another thing, it’s not a compliment to know who you are and not like the person you are, think I said that before.

Personally when you have a face like mine and a myriad of illnesses, Social Anxiety, Bipolar Depression and the like anything you say is liable to come off as an insult and not a sweet sentiment. Don’t get me wrong I never wanted to be one of those guys “catcalling” as it were, anxiety sucks but the internet can be a pretty bad place right?

Besides the whole incident let’s see, I said something about a friend’s… assets and she immediately erased the comment, still “friends” with her but haven’t heard anything from her since. There was another woman, I was truly generous with but of course, let’s be honest Luna, I have a thing for brunettes and I know exactly what I was trying. The worse was probably this MILF I met outside the store once, she was having a hard time and needed some cash so I gave her five bucks, now I would have given her more but why do you suppose that is, what would I have wanted from her then?

Before the “incident” let’s just say I was looking up interracial parking lot “stories” though after such and such happened I’ve been on hiatus. So what about that song “How Do You Talk to an Angel” first rule, don’t be me, yet another thing that has me ticked off, I’ve been avoiding most of my friends because anything I say or do is likely to come off as, say it with me Luna “skeevy” and I already told you I’m trying to find that line. Oh, I found it before, it’s not a compliment to be the guy all the other guys come to, asking me to write poetry so they can get girls and I don’t have one myself.

So what have I learned today… maybe they were right giving me that quietest award because that was the same year I met Angela and what happened there? If anything the lesson is I can’t take a compliment or it’s better to be insulted because coming from most people I know That’s Not a Compliment.

Lessons 008 ~Tail, Tale, Tell~

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It’s not a lie but it isn’t the whole truth, I wouldn’t want to put it in fiction but sometimes I really wish it was just that. Tail, Tale, Tell, should I put my heart under some floorboards

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Lessons 008 ~Tail, Tale, Tell~

Lu,
I hate that I keep repeating myself, my apologies but from a former lesson, hat is the difference between a patriot and a terrorist, a hero and a villain… the winning side of course. For some reason, I just imagine Superman with some goofy smile on his face but then you got Batman, who is as much of a hero but doesn’t smile that often.

What about the measure of a man or a woman; I’ve brought up my face often but I can be as shallow as anybody else. Now I think of myself as a certain type of guy (Ned Flanders Blackout Continues) anyway I think of myself as one way but I saw someone in the store today and the back made me curious about the front. It made me wonder what people must see when they are looking at my back, really is the view any better or worse, damn eye doctors and their catchy jargon.

How about the way guys say “getting some tail” is that too skeevy; to be honest I have never used that lexicon myself. Doesn’t that say something about the thing that leads humanity, primal nature and all that, we are always looking for something to follow isn’t that right? I don’t think that’s any better than not looking back, forward is just somebody else and behind is just whoever I was or somebody in a worse shape, but trying maybe.

“But that’s why there’s us – champions. Doesn’t matter where we come from, what we’ve done or suffered, or even if we make a difference. We live as though the world is as it should be, to show it what it can be. You’re not a part of that yet. I hope you will be.” Angel S401 “Deep Down” (2002)

No truer words Luna, this is why we raise people to such heights, indeed this is why there was such an intuition as “courtly love” but does that not fly in the face of everything I was taught? In another way, the question remains, what happens when that uniform off in the distance, isn’t that of the hero but of the villain, and we follow.

If I heard it right all the fairy tales of yesteryear were actually horror stories, so why were they changed, erased, new stories replaced them, a form of newspeak? We just can’t help it, it’s one of the reasons I can’t help but look back, in a way I don’t like who I am becoming and as they say, you can’t know where you’re going until you know where you’ve been, rock meet hard place.

Like some little kid, there are the fairy tales I get lost in every night before bed, not that you can call, “Saints Row”, “GTA” and “The Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time” fairytales mind you. At least these stories can be rewritten and there is no real damage, becoming someone else over and over is the luxury. The honest to God stories of my past make me I feel as though I’m Winston Smith and with that being said nobody will remember the truth of him either or that he ever existed at all.

Yes, back to the incident, I can easily say that while I had ulterior motives I really was innocent and didn’t mean any harm when it came to her. It can be said that I was skeevy and inappropriate and way out of line and that guy I haven’t really been trying to escape from finally caught up with me in the end. I can also say my anger is justified and that if I was anybody else from another place, time, or story this would in itself be a whole other story I know.

“Truth is singular. Its “versions” are mistruths.” Cloud Atlas (2012)

Only by piecing together the story of a past can I even begin to start and write the present and dream of what may become the story of my future. This is one of the reasons I turned to you Lady Lu, all those years ago and I turn to you now, and while I don’t lie I edit things.

Isn’t that the right of the storyteller though, I mean this isn’t Fox News or anything, facts are important here but my truth, will not be hers, yours, or anybody else’s that happens to read these words *crickets chirping*. The teller must put a part of themselves in the telling and that part is what is most important to them will define the story as well as themselves… why does this remind me of “Gabrielle” from Xena Warrior Princess, classic?

At this point Luna I might as well be doing this for me but that’s the thing, I have no clue what I’m doing and when I finally realize who knows if I will want to, what be 100% honest like the good ole days, weave lust like a paintbrush and the like? I don’t think their ready yet, how could anybody be ready for what’s to come, I didn’t get to work on my novel today, but it’s coming along. When that day comes though… see I can’t even imagine it yet, just another chapter that has not been written but it will be.

For now, other than you and somebody else there is no one to tell, strangely enough, it has been my past pains that have earned me the most acclaim as of late. Today these words just came to me and they flow, though I don’t know if this is a lake or a cesspool and we both remember the disgust in those days. I think that is what this is all about, the need to be honest and you can’t do that looking at someone’s back not knowing, but such and such brunette has my guts all twisted up, sometimes you’re better off having them turn their back on you.

One day Luna I want to be the dad that tells his children stories but of course, they won’t be my own, but I will give them heroes or at least intelligent villains. Until I’m feeling up to it, no tail to chase, plenty of tales to explore and no one to tell them too, not yet Tail, Tale, Tell.

Lesson 006 ~The Difference Between the H-Bomb and A-Bomb~

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While the bombs fall, or maybe I would rather fall flat on my face again or into some whole in the ground because my heart is just that big maybe. The Difference Between the H-Bomb and A-Bomb, I’m not exactly the one to figure that out

Friday, July 7, 2017

Lesson 006 ~The Difference Between the H-Bomb and A-Bomb~

Hey Lu,

I hope you don’t think me a physicist, a psycho, or worse a man of the government; if anything women are a lot like bombs. Now I may never be ready to talk about the “Harmonic War” but I hope someday I will but last night I was thinking of another war, The Fall War or The War of Falling, not so great with names you think or am I?

You know a bomb has but one true purpose, a picture is worth a thousand words, and a word itself has over a thousand purposes. With one word you can stop a war, one word you can blow yourself or others to kingdom come, it’s a part of the whole and people often wonder why I remain silent. I’m scared Lady Lu, I’m scared of what I started or hell who knows, there might be nothing up there, then again…

So we live Luna, it doesn’t profit anyone to sit on my ass and do nothing but I still can’t tell you what happened after the “Harmonic War” short of the burning embarrassment, then the freeze out by friends and my own memories, and then coming back from the rubble. In a way that was the luxury, I think there was back then, I didn’t have to think about anyone else, there was only me. I didn’t worry about how much damage was done, I didn’t have to think about the yield, I just took the hit and even then I didn’t have the guts to look in the end.

As I told you yesterday it’s always the aftermath that ends up beating me, that could, would, and should of the matter but did I listen, no I shouldn’t be sitting but I don’t have the good sense to shut up. Why am I though in certain aspects of my life, that book review, for example, I’ve been acting like some guy waiting for Jesus to return and I really need to cut down on my sinful nature may be.

“I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I’m going to take a stand. I’m going to defend it. Right or wrong, I’m going to defend it.” – Ferris Bueller

You see Lady Luna that’s what I failed to do for the most part when the Harmonic War started, I challenged and when she fired back and she did, what was left of me just crawled into a hole in the ground, a nice grave. For all intents and purposes I might be worrying over nothing at all, who knows if she’s paying attention, what am I confessing yet again?

With the Harmonic War I had it coming, point blank period, I mean you want to talk about skeevy… am I ever going to get sick of that word, anyway yeah I was. You see Luna I wasn’t the first man and I definitely won’t be the last “TTB” of course I’m not going to explain that now but I was a bad man… I don’t know now whether I truly believe that or not. I knew I would always pay in one way or another but my world was effectively changed, at least for a little while by that H-bomb and then it ended.

As with the War of the Falling I truly didn’t think I was doing anything wrong at the time, I antagonized the H-bomb but when it came to the A-bomb what was my purpose, what did I really want in the end? Three truths, I liked her, two I thought we were friends which is why I spent so much time commenting on her work “flirting” as it were, and okay I like seeing girls all hot and bothered, pushing their buttons. I pushed the wrong one, didn’t I Luna, and now here I am thinking it’s the end of the world but I’m not running away, indeed where is there to run to anyway?

“Where you gonna go, where you gonna run, where you gonna hide? Nowhere… ’cause there’s no one like you left.” Carol Malone, Body Snatchers (1993)

To this day I still feel bad about both, whether years ago or six days, I never wanted to be that man, and I wish I could take it all back but isn’t that just it. Once that bomb is in the air and it’s coming down it must fulfill its purpose, it must do what it was created for.

A bomb doesn’t care, a woman doesn’t care and I know what I must sound like forgetting all the lessons that I’ve read, not mine Luna, I’m an idiot. If I could do it all over again I would have hugged her goodbye (less awkwardly) wished her a nice life and let that be over.

“They say before you start a war
You better know what you’re fighting for”
Angel With a Shotgun, The Cab
Again I could be worrying over nothing, they say to live each day as though it were your last but didn’t I say I’ve been living right these past few days. I’ve been doing everything from freezing up again to preparing myself to keep my eyes wide open and take whatever is going to happen. I did hear from another friend today and apparently, she doesn’t think I’m as “skeevy” then again what goes down in the DM… is friendly banter.

What do you do when the world is ending… a friend and I had this discussion on one of our movie nights, end of the world genre and during “4:44 Last Day on Earth” besides agreeing that was the worst choice of a movie, we also agreed we would have bigger plans on what we would like to do. At this moment because it certainly isn’t the end of the world but now I would tell the woman I offended I was sorry, again because I am and I was wrong. If not that I want to thank her because if it wasn’t for her this new fire inside me wouldn’t exist, how much have I done because some pretty divorcee hurt my feelings?

It really doesn’t matter what the difference is to anyone that finds themselves under the bomb, they see it okay, they don’t well that’s okay too. For now, the lesson for today is the reason bombs are dropped at all and we both know why that is Lady Lu because, in all of this evolution, I know men are idiots.

Saved by The “Belle” College Edition “Beauty and the Beast

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It’s alright, okay so it’s actually better than alright, not perfect but I’m probably just that much of a snob when it comes to this sort of thing. Saved by The “Belle” College Edition “Beauty and the Beast not Kelly and Zack but yeah Mr. Morris

I’m sure I’m not the only one who thought this, “Blake Morris” it was the first thing that popped into my head at the time. Unlike the actual Saved by the Bell show, this book didn’t suck, if you’re willing to suspend a bit of disbelief in a few ways.

First, this book hits a bit close too close to home personally but that’s a story for another time let’s focus on Skye Warren’s work, shall we. Another way to put home is that Mr. Morris was a soldier once and that fact wasn’t used as a ploy to sell more books *cough* zombies *cough*. Now if the story is supposed to make you somewhat nostalgic for the fairytale classic… a hit and miss in some areas, I wonder have they ever made a non-cartoon parody of Beauty and the Beast, one of those parodies and no I’m not looking it up at the moment.

Now I said suspend disbelief and I’ve seen this more times than I care to but unless the guy is rich, a professional criminal, or a biker boy most of these stories just would not work. I’m not trying to disparage this story but the idea that a poor soldier with scars could pull the young coed… it just doesn’t work that way but yes fiction and all and you have to make the man a beast in some way. Just another difference between the fairytale and this story, the beast was monstrous before his makeover, Blake was a hero that got a bad deal.

If anything it reminded me a bit of Quasimodo, all it would have taken is this song “Heaven’s Light” and I would have lost it, and as Quasimodo, Blake didn’t exactly have the opportunity to change his face. The way that Blake and Erin met though… again there is just no way, I mean adult films aren’t exactly known for story content but the opening to this story was wow.

Another interesting concept is when people bring up the mental health issues in the fairytale the big one of course is Stockholm Syndrome but this story brought up its own illness. The story itself as we all know who read this genre, not exactly inspired but Skye Warren is pretty much well established and she gives you a few surprises here and there as always.

For the most part, we have our heroes dealing with PTSD and broken hearts, I mean as soon as they mentioned military you knew those burns would not be the worst thing for Blake. The first scene between him and Erin in the throes of passion was heartbreaking, again this story hits me in all kinds of ways. The connections though take me back to D H Sidebottom’s “Caged” and “Chained” how Erin dated somebody who is related to somebody, who knows her mom and so on, a bit of family drama to be sure.

Now, of course, stop me if you’ve heard this one, maid and her client, student and teacher, some roleplay and the idea of pity sex and you pretty much have this story. Guys need the visual and girls are apparently all good with the words, with book covers I tend to disagree but the dirty talk in this chapter is downright filthy awesome writing. The end of the book, if anything I think was somewhat light, you know in these titles you expect a pretty ugly fight but everything went off without a hitch, refreshing and eerie.

Anyway me being me, the monstrous looks of Blake, his first days with Erin and her family drama I was fully caught up and I think you will be too. All I can say to gentlemen is what we know all along, women are confusing as all Hell and in all my years I have never met a woman like Erin unless again you have a ton of money, or a uniform but don’t mess up your face.

A four out of five without a doubt and I was oh so tempted to go to five, so yes I think we have established that I’m a snob and even with an author who I’ve read a few stories from. Getting the epilog is a done deal and if you’ve made it this far you know Skye has a pretty hardcore fanbase and this is just one man’s opinion.

Reasons I could not give this five stars… Melinda Jenkins, and Erin’s other paramours, to me they felt somewhat tacked on, every story needs the drama of course but I wasn’t convinced of Melinda’s motivations and as I said, mental health issues. Melinda was obsessed or just another woman upset about a man and it was all too easy to just let go, and the other guys just seemed to be there to show Erin being desirable which beats the Wanderlust idea of every guy being a would be criminal in the making. The parallels between Erin and her mom were there to be in relation to Blake, PTSD and all, also the author was stretching for some climax bring Erin’s ex into the picture for a light scare actually.

I have always enjoyed Skye Warren’s work and introduced Wanderlust to a friend who says it’s one of her favorites and was a bit of her introduction into erotica. I haven’t talked much about Erin’s character but that’s because I relate to Blake without the military background, money, and being cursed with my face, I wonder how many women see themselves as Erin though I know plenty who play Melinda.

“She needed to understand. This was how it would be, him leading and her placid. It was the only way he could worship her properly, because if she spoke a single word, he’d obey.”
― Skye Warren, The Beauty Series

This book in a way reminds me of some of the dating manuals I’ve read just from a woman’s perceptive, unfortunately, that advice is wrong which is why this is a truly awesome work of fiction. I’ve learned that authors can also make somewhat nice parodies and not just adult films but Saved by the Bell wasn’t high school or college really and this story surely won’t be your typical Beauty and the Beast fairytale.

Lesson 002 ~Past Lives~

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I think I might finally be ready to go all Fahrenheit 451 now, it wouldn’t be the first time and I’m certain it won’t be the last, I guess I learned nothing from Nero. I should be excellent at my own self-destruction “Past Lives” and all, so I think.

Monday, July 03, 2017

Lesson 002 ~Past Lives~

Hey Lu,
Sounding like old times, bad times, before “them” girls hell women of form and substance and those that weren’t… you remember my big sister and her words better words, probably another reason I come running back to you. Sticks and stones right but what about what I’m doing to myself, I’m still alive is probably the best I can come up with, more pain to cancel out the other pain.

I wish I could remember how my big sister put it, you know when I get like this, not eating, not drinking, I did have a chicken wing and some orange juice for my meds but that was more me trying to figure out what the hell happened with me physically. She would also talk about how you can’t build a strip club by a preschool, an ode to my writing and people’s damn sensibilities. Without a doubt I’m still in the wrong, much like that story she and I wrote together, doesn’t even have a name but it was fun, now that was being me being the bad guy.

You know I’ve been a worst one, I can’t even explain that old war I had with one woman, I would throw up again at the “sickness” of it. Now what sickness am I talking about, I have so many to choose from, I’ve been haunted by them and I’m still talking to you so we know it might not be going away anytime soon. For starters, when I freeze up and find myself in some hell of my own making, and I have to shake my head, hit something, do anything while the memories attempt to swallow me whole.

“For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.” Ephesians 6:12

Now don’t be alarmed Lady Lu, the church is the past but I remember, my curse to remember, even when I was busy destroying myself, again and again, I remember because what else am I going to make myself new? No never new, functional and I wish I could remember how long that took, how much I had to destroy.

What about what I can’t destroy like I said before some sins are just too great, things can be confessed, apologies can be issued but in the end, no that’s just it, there is no end. I mean unless you want me to say something scary and at this point, I want to avoid a scary idea, I want to avoid the obscene, I didn’t even apologize again, I did once and I will leave it at that, then again…

Leaving now that’s what I have been thinking about plenty today, women I’ve known for years or at least was friendly with for example one I invited to a movie night and she stopped talking to me. Another who I saw regularly but she has things to attend to, an excuse but I haven’t spoken to her and unless she gets in touch… What about the one that, well I was wrong, I can’t stress that enough but I’ll probably be avoiding her blog for a while because I don’t want to be that guy.

The guy I was, the guy I was becoming, but here’s the thing, once Second Circle Creations, yes I’ve looked back and said the name often, anyway if the (SCC) gets up and running I won’t have to hide. Christian Grey has all sorts of decorum but he also has money and power and as fictional as Fifty Shades of Grey would like to be, that’s how the world works. I’m losing whatever point I was trying to make and that’s good, I want to bury the man I was yesterday but why is that, why do I have to die so many times Luna?

Because the dead don’t feel anything, I don’t want to feel anything, that’s why I sleep all the time, that’s why I’ve been vomiting all day when I’ve barely touched a thing, that’s why I’m talking to you. I get it all out, that’s why my big sister was wrong, she thought I was empty but it was too much, there’s just too much and once I’m empty, once there is nothing left to contain I can build once again.

“I’m sorry mama
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to make you cry
But tonight I’m cleanin’ out my closet” Eminem – Cleanin’ Out My Closet (2001)

So do I continue to dwell on my past lives, the boy that did nothing but write and the moment he revealed himself… damn Angela in the sixth grade, what about the guy that nearly got kicked out of junior college over a girl, or the guy that nearly got fired, what about the guy yesterday? I keep saying, Luna, this could be a lot worse and if you asked me what I wanted to do right now I would have to lie to you but I never have before.

They say that history is written by the victors and while that is true enough, history is written by the survivors as well, all the wreckage, cataloged and filed away, and from that what do I become? Sometimes it’s not even worth the effort and if it wasn’t for Braxton sleeping at my feet who knows what I would do. That’s a present regret, that he knows something’s wrong and I won’t do anything to fix it, but I don’t know how to fix me.

“Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others. Past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.” Sonmi-451

This whole thing has been about what I’ve done in the past, confession, apology, destruction, renewal, repeat, my own circle. What about the man that has to continue, right now I’m angry but this just shows I’m not a psycho because I would rather destroy myself than hurt anyone else, do you think that’s the reason I pray for a zombie apocalypse because as I said the dead don’t feel. If I’m not entitled to one emotion and I have not yet reached emptiness which should I feel, lust takes a backseat to rage, anger, but I’m trying to have remorse, for these things said.

“I am entitled to my emotions. I can have them.” The Moment After 2: Awakening

I keep saying I’m sorry because I am because I have to be because there is nothing else that will be allowed, that can be accepted because I am who I am. Never changing though if I must leave with a lesson, if you can’t change yourself, then change the world, how many past lives did that take to learn?