Tag: Women

Lesson 006 ~The Difference Between the H-Bomb and A-Bomb~

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While the bombs fall, or maybe I would rather fall flat on my face again or into some whole in the ground because my heart is just that big maybe. The Difference Between the H-Bomb and A-Bomb, I’m not exactly the one to figure that out

Friday, July 7, 2017

Lesson 006 ~The Difference Between the H-Bomb and A-Bomb~

Hey Lu,

I hope you don’t think me a physicist, a psycho, or worse a man of the government; if anything women are a lot like bombs. Now I may never be ready to talk about the “Harmonic War” but I hope someday I will but last night I was thinking of another war, The Fall War or The War of Falling, not so great with names you think or am I?

You know a bomb has but one true purpose, a picture is worth a thousand words, and a word itself has over a thousand purposes. With one word you can stop a war, one word you can blow yourself or others to kingdom come, it’s a part of the whole and people often wonder why I remain silent. I’m scared Lady Lu, I’m scared of what I started or hell who knows, there might be nothing up there, then again…

So we live Luna, it doesn’t profit anyone to sit on my ass and do nothing but I still can’t tell you what happened after the “Harmonic War” short of the burning embarrassment, then the freeze out by friends and my own memories, and then coming back from the rubble. In a way that was the luxury, I think there was back then, I didn’t have to think about anyone else, there was only me. I didn’t worry about how much damage was done, I didn’t have to think about the yield, I just took the hit and even then I didn’t have the guts to look in the end.

As I told you yesterday it’s always the aftermath that ends up beating me, that could, would, and should of the matter but did I listen, no I shouldn’t be sitting but I don’t have the good sense to shut up. Why am I though in certain aspects of my life, that book review, for example, I’ve been acting like some guy waiting for Jesus to return and I really need to cut down on my sinful nature may be.

“I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I’m going to take a stand. I’m going to defend it. Right or wrong, I’m going to defend it.” – Ferris Bueller

You see Lady Luna that’s what I failed to do for the most part when the Harmonic War started, I challenged and when she fired back and she did, what was left of me just crawled into a hole in the ground, a nice grave. For all intents and purposes I might be worrying over nothing at all, who knows if she’s paying attention, what am I confessing yet again?

With the Harmonic War I had it coming, point blank period, I mean you want to talk about skeevy… am I ever going to get sick of that word, anyway yeah I was. You see Luna I wasn’t the first man and I definitely won’t be the last “TTB” of course I’m not going to explain that now but I was a bad man… I don’t know now whether I truly believe that or not. I knew I would always pay in one way or another but my world was effectively changed, at least for a little while by that H-bomb and then it ended.

As with the War of the Falling I truly didn’t think I was doing anything wrong at the time, I antagonized the H-bomb but when it came to the A-bomb what was my purpose, what did I really want in the end? Three truths, I liked her, two I thought we were friends which is why I spent so much time commenting on her work “flirting” as it were, and okay I like seeing girls all hot and bothered, pushing their buttons. I pushed the wrong one, didn’t I Luna, and now here I am thinking it’s the end of the world but I’m not running away, indeed where is there to run to anyway?

“Where you gonna go, where you gonna run, where you gonna hide? Nowhere… ’cause there’s no one like you left.” Carol Malone, Body Snatchers (1993)

To this day I still feel bad about both, whether years ago or six days, I never wanted to be that man, and I wish I could take it all back but isn’t that just it. Once that bomb is in the air and it’s coming down it must fulfill its purpose, it must do what it was created for.

A bomb doesn’t care, a woman doesn’t care and I know what I must sound like forgetting all the lessons that I’ve read, not mine Luna, I’m an idiot. If I could do it all over again I would have hugged her goodbye (less awkwardly) wished her a nice life and let that be over.

“They say before you start a war
You better know what you’re fighting for”
Angel With a Shotgun, The Cab
Again I could be worrying over nothing, they say to live each day as though it were your last but didn’t I say I’ve been living right these past few days. I’ve been doing everything from freezing up again to preparing myself to keep my eyes wide open and take whatever is going to happen. I did hear from another friend today and apparently, she doesn’t think I’m as “skeevy” then again what goes down in the DM… is friendly banter.

What do you do when the world is ending… a friend and I had this discussion on one of our movie nights, end of the world genre and during “4:44 Last Day on Earth” besides agreeing that was the worst choice of a movie, we also agreed we would have bigger plans on what we would like to do. At this moment because it certainly isn’t the end of the world but now I would tell the woman I offended I was sorry, again because I am and I was wrong. If not that I want to thank her because if it wasn’t for her this new fire inside me wouldn’t exist, how much have I done because some pretty divorcee hurt my feelings?

It really doesn’t matter what the difference is to anyone that finds themselves under the bomb, they see it okay, they don’t well that’s okay too. For now, the lesson for today is the reason bombs are dropped at all and we both know why that is Lady Lu because, in all of this evolution, I know men are idiots.

Saved by The “Belle” College Edition “Beauty and the Beast

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It’s alright, okay so it’s actually better than alright, not perfect but I’m probably just that much of a snob when it comes to this sort of thing. Saved by The “Belle” College Edition “Beauty and the Beast not Kelly and Zack but yeah Mr. Morris

I’m sure I’m not the only one who thought this, “Blake Morris” it was the first thing that popped into my head at the time. Unlike the actual Saved by the Bell show, this book didn’t suck, if you’re willing to suspend a bit of disbelief in a few ways.

First, this book hits a bit close too close to home personally but that’s a story for another time let’s focus on Skye Warren’s work, shall we. Another way to put home is that Mr. Morris was a soldier once and that fact wasn’t used as a ploy to sell more books *cough* zombies *cough*. Now if the story is supposed to make you somewhat nostalgic for the fairytale classic… a hit and miss in some areas, I wonder have they ever made a non-cartoon parody of Beauty and the Beast, one of those parodies and no I’m not looking it up at the moment.

Now I said suspend disbelief and I’ve seen this more times than I care to but unless the guy is rich, a professional criminal, or a biker boy most of these stories just would not work. I’m not trying to disparage this story but the idea that a poor soldier with scars could pull the young coed… it just doesn’t work that way but yes fiction and all and you have to make the man a beast in some way. Just another difference between the fairytale and this story, the beast was monstrous before his makeover, Blake was a hero that got a bad deal.

If anything it reminded me a bit of Quasimodo, all it would have taken is this song “Heaven’s Light” and I would have lost it, and as Quasimodo, Blake didn’t exactly have the opportunity to change his face. The way that Blake and Erin met though… again there is just no way, I mean adult films aren’t exactly known for story content but the opening to this story was wow.

Another interesting concept is when people bring up the mental health issues in the fairytale the big one of course is Stockholm Syndrome but this story brought up its own illness. The story itself as we all know who read this genre, not exactly inspired but Skye Warren is pretty much well established and she gives you a few surprises here and there as always.

For the most part, we have our heroes dealing with PTSD and broken hearts, I mean as soon as they mentioned military you knew those burns would not be the worst thing for Blake. The first scene between him and Erin in the throes of passion was heartbreaking, again this story hits me in all kinds of ways. The connections though take me back to D H Sidebottom’s “Caged” and “Chained” how Erin dated somebody who is related to somebody, who knows her mom and so on, a bit of family drama to be sure.

Now, of course, stop me if you’ve heard this one, maid and her client, student and teacher, some roleplay and the idea of pity sex and you pretty much have this story. Guys need the visual and girls are apparently all good with the words, with book covers I tend to disagree but the dirty talk in this chapter is downright filthy awesome writing. The end of the book, if anything I think was somewhat light, you know in these titles you expect a pretty ugly fight but everything went off without a hitch, refreshing and eerie.

Anyway me being me, the monstrous looks of Blake, his first days with Erin and her family drama I was fully caught up and I think you will be too. All I can say to gentlemen is what we know all along, women are confusing as all Hell and in all my years I have never met a woman like Erin unless again you have a ton of money, or a uniform but don’t mess up your face.

A four out of five without a doubt and I was oh so tempted to go to five, so yes I think we have established that I’m a snob and even with an author who I’ve read a few stories from. Getting the epilog is a done deal and if you’ve made it this far you know Skye has a pretty hardcore fanbase and this is just one man’s opinion.

Reasons I could not give this five stars… Melinda Jenkins, and Erin’s other paramours, to me they felt somewhat tacked on, every story needs the drama of course but I wasn’t convinced of Melinda’s motivations and as I said, mental health issues. Melinda was obsessed or just another woman upset about a man and it was all too easy to just let go, and the other guys just seemed to be there to show Erin being desirable which beats the Wanderlust idea of every guy being a would be criminal in the making. The parallels between Erin and her mom were there to be in relation to Blake, PTSD and all, also the author was stretching for some climax bring Erin’s ex into the picture for a light scare actually.

I have always enjoyed Skye Warren’s work and introduced Wanderlust to a friend who says it’s one of her favorites and was a bit of her introduction into erotica. I haven’t talked much about Erin’s character but that’s because I relate to Blake without the military background, money, and being cursed with my face, I wonder how many women see themselves as Erin though I know plenty who play Melinda.

“She needed to understand. This was how it would be, him leading and her placid. It was the only way he could worship her properly, because if she spoke a single word, he’d obey.”
― Skye Warren, The Beauty Series

This book in a way reminds me of some of the dating manuals I’ve read just from a woman’s perceptive, unfortunately, that advice is wrong which is why this is a truly awesome work of fiction. I’ve learned that authors can also make somewhat nice parodies and not just adult films but Saved by the Bell wasn’t high school or college really and this story surely won’t be your typical Beauty and the Beast fairytale.

Lesson 002 ~Past Lives~

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I think I might finally be ready to go all Fahrenheit 451 now, it wouldn’t be the first time and I’m certain it won’t be the last, I guess I learned nothing from Nero. I should be excellent at my own self-destruction “Past Lives” and all, so I think.

Monday, July 03, 2017

Lesson 002 ~Past Lives~

Hey Lu,
Sounding like old times, bad times, before “them” girls hell women of form and substance and those that weren’t… you remember my big sister and her words better words, probably another reason I come running back to you. Sticks and stones right but what about what I’m doing to myself, I’m still alive is probably the best I can come up with, more pain to cancel out the other pain.

I wish I could remember how my big sister put it, you know when I get like this, not eating, not drinking, I did have a chicken wing and some orange juice for my meds but that was more me trying to figure out what the hell happened with me physically. She would also talk about how you can’t build a strip club by a preschool, an ode to my writing and people’s damn sensibilities. Without a doubt I’m still in the wrong, much like that story she and I wrote together, doesn’t even have a name but it was fun, now that was being me being the bad guy.

You know I’ve been a worst one, I can’t even explain that old war I had with one woman, I would throw up again at the “sickness” of it. Now what sickness am I talking about, I have so many to choose from, I’ve been haunted by them and I’m still talking to you so we know it might not be going away anytime soon. For starters, when I freeze up and find myself in some hell of my own making, and I have to shake my head, hit something, do anything while the memories attempt to swallow me whole.

“For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.” Ephesians 6:12

Now don’t be alarmed Lady Lu, the church is the past but I remember, my curse to remember, even when I was busy destroying myself, again and again, I remember because what else am I going to make myself new? No never new, functional and I wish I could remember how long that took, how much I had to destroy.

What about what I can’t destroy like I said before some sins are just too great, things can be confessed, apologies can be issued but in the end, no that’s just it, there is no end. I mean unless you want me to say something scary and at this point, I want to avoid a scary idea, I want to avoid the obscene, I didn’t even apologize again, I did once and I will leave it at that, then again…

Leaving now that’s what I have been thinking about plenty today, women I’ve known for years or at least was friendly with for example one I invited to a movie night and she stopped talking to me. Another who I saw regularly but she has things to attend to, an excuse but I haven’t spoken to her and unless she gets in touch… What about the one that, well I was wrong, I can’t stress that enough but I’ll probably be avoiding her blog for a while because I don’t want to be that guy.

The guy I was, the guy I was becoming, but here’s the thing, once Second Circle Creations, yes I’ve looked back and said the name often, anyway if the (SCC) gets up and running I won’t have to hide. Christian Grey has all sorts of decorum but he also has money and power and as fictional as Fifty Shades of Grey would like to be, that’s how the world works. I’m losing whatever point I was trying to make and that’s good, I want to bury the man I was yesterday but why is that, why do I have to die so many times Luna?

Because the dead don’t feel anything, I don’t want to feel anything, that’s why I sleep all the time, that’s why I’ve been vomiting all day when I’ve barely touched a thing, that’s why I’m talking to you. I get it all out, that’s why my big sister was wrong, she thought I was empty but it was too much, there’s just too much and once I’m empty, once there is nothing left to contain I can build once again.

“I’m sorry mama
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to make you cry
But tonight I’m cleanin’ out my closet” Eminem – Cleanin’ Out My Closet (2001)

So do I continue to dwell on my past lives, the boy that did nothing but write and the moment he revealed himself… damn Angela in the sixth grade, what about the guy that nearly got kicked out of junior college over a girl, or the guy that nearly got fired, what about the guy yesterday? I keep saying, Luna, this could be a lot worse and if you asked me what I wanted to do right now I would have to lie to you but I never have before.

They say that history is written by the victors and while that is true enough, history is written by the survivors as well, all the wreckage, cataloged and filed away, and from that what do I become? Sometimes it’s not even worth the effort and if it wasn’t for Braxton sleeping at my feet who knows what I would do. That’s a present regret, that he knows something’s wrong and I won’t do anything to fix it, but I don’t know how to fix me.

“Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others. Past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.” Sonmi-451

This whole thing has been about what I’ve done in the past, confession, apology, destruction, renewal, repeat, my own circle. What about the man that has to continue, right now I’m angry but this just shows I’m not a psycho because I would rather destroy myself than hurt anyone else, do you think that’s the reason I pray for a zombie apocalypse because as I said the dead don’t feel. If I’m not entitled to one emotion and I have not yet reached emptiness which should I feel, lust takes a backseat to rage, anger, but I’m trying to have remorse, for these things said.

“I am entitled to my emotions. I can have them.” The Moment After 2: Awakening

I keep saying I’m sorry because I am because I have to be because there is nothing else that will be allowed, that can be accepted because I am who I am. Never changing though if I must leave with a lesson, if you can’t change yourself, then change the world, how many past lives did that take to learn?