Category: Lady Lu

Lesson 055 ~Don’t Think of Elephants~

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Why isn’t the elephant, king of the jungle, at this rate, I might as well become one of those people that collect cats but as always I prefer my dog if anything he knows when to shut up? Don’t Think of Elephants, how about a mouse

Friday, August 25, 2017

Lesson 055 ~Don’t Think of Elephants~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear but more depression, I’m trying honestly I am and some moments I can zone out completely and forget and others… not to piss off the religious but my head burns so much I feel like I’m wearing a thorny crown. I should also mention I’m not breaking my rule of “Stop Crying Your Heart Out”; vanity comes to mind but there is no heart involved if anything it is sort of taking a vaccine perhaps.

“Okay, this is me, planting an idea in your mind. I say: don’t think about elephants. What are you thinking about?

Elephants?” – Inception (2010)

As the song goes Lady Lu “I Want to Be Sedated”, I’ve actually been looking up how to forget, how sad is that; don’t they say an elephant never forgets? Not that I am one for fraternities or sororities but my mother and sister both pledged and elephants are sort of their thing, that’s a fun fact I suppose for me. Anyway, the fact is the elephant in the room and you know I like animals more than most people so is that why I’m allowing myself to be crushed.

The thing is I’m not Ava Jerome (General Hospital), another rule “I Take My Own Lumps” she got burned, literally but still refuses to accept responsibility, no Lu, I take all the pain and own up but yes it can be a bit much, I just got to take it and I’ll survive until next year; hell can’t I just become a monk? The internet is one big minefield but elephant crap is quite easy to avoid and so I have but I still have to get this stink off. You know something this metaphor is working rather well, that’s something else I have thankfully been thinking about, my budding upgrades in my writing soon.

If I ever get around to it of course, at work I’m already cracking, told “Big Brother” I’ve been better and even worked an extra hour just because. Idle hands are the devil’s playthings but let’s not forget, the mind is a terrible thing to waste; where are the zombies?

Maybe it would help if I just shut up about it but I think it’s like poison, it’s a virus, you can lie down and let it rot you to the core or you can fight, and keep fighting, endure and survive. I said it before, it begins to define you, can’t say I’ve ever been a victim of racial profiling but back in school, how I kept the bullies at bay was the concept of madness, they left me alone merely on the thoughts of what I could do.

When my family cut me off a few years back I sat in an extended stay hotel, that smelt like bleach for twenty-four hours just… I don’t know, and maybe I didn’t eat or drink a thing for about forty-eight hours after. You know what happened, not a damn thing, keep in mind my parents didn’t care, I didn’t have any friends or family that could help “M Anime” is far away and Braxton was with my folks (no dogs allowed) in the place. Keep in mind Lady Lu, my father thought I was dangerous to the family, the most damage I had ever done to anyone was to myself, they were afraid and life went on for everybody else while I sat in a room for three days willing myself to just disappear completely.

“What was done to me was monstrous.

And they created a monster.” V for Vendetta

It’s like a kid who blames himself or herself for their parents, you begin to imagine that you truly are some sort of creature, omen, that you’re bad and it festers and then everybody wants to know what happened. It’s like being Tomoko from the anime “GTO: Great Teacher Onizuka” you make a mistake and then another, and another soon you can’t help yourself and it becomes your life, Tomoko has many friends though. Probably what scares me the most though is Hunter and Evie from Skye Warren’s “Wanderlust” he was framed for a crime he didn’t commit but the reputation of his crime followed.

“Nothing is wrong with me! I just don’t want to be defined by the worst thing that ever happened to me.” Max, Finding Carter (2014)

All these pop culture references, gives me a reason to search the internet; anyway my point is it is these people who call you these things, decide you’re these things, make you these things, cry foul and then live their lives in perfect contentment not once thinking of somebody that they use to know. Oh and another fact, I’ll never call one of those lifelines again, cops at the house and in less than twenty minutes I’m stuffing everything I own into my car driving to a hotel because nobody gave a shit about the elephant in the room me.

“I feel like some elephant who accidentally got assigned to the penguin house. It’s so obvious that I’m an elephant, but people keep coming up to me with a clipboard and saying, “Hmm, you know, according to this, you’re a… you’re actually a penguin.” Finding Carter (The Ever Embarrassed Elf)

The more things change the more, they stay the same, I have a few friends though only one sort of gets me, Braxton, of course, counts as family and doesn’t care what I am as long as I’m with him. For now, since I’m still out to find what I am, it doesn’t matter what they say, terrifies me I’m writing about this but I’m a writer, that is all.

“Being afraid all of the time, of forgetting somebody’s name, not, not knowing… what to do with your hands. I mean, I, I am the guy who writes down things to remember to say when there’s a party. And then, when he finally gets there, he winds up alone, in the corner, trying to look comfortable examining a potted plant.

You’re just shy, Barclay.

Just shy… Sounds like nothing serious – doesn’t it? You can’t know.” – Hollow Pursuits, Star Trek: The Next Generation (1990)

“I Will Have No Fear” right Luna if you knew how many times writing has brought me to ruin and yet I keep doing it, already I can imagine my father. The thing is everybody would have me remain that mouse in the corner, do mice really scare elephants, something to be considered. I’m writing this down right now, a reason I am a writer is that I have to deal with fewer people, however…

I guess it doesn’t matter in the end, life goes on what a headache, at least I haven’t been hearing anything from a makeshift peanut gallery. Is this why I’m writing later and later, breaking yet another rule or I’m just being lazy, work, excuses, yeah I’ll shut up, get up and write and here I am. I’ve even been avoiding reading a pretty decent book, about someone who got hurt in the past, now where have I heard that?

So what have I learned besides the fact, that I can’t get this elephant out of the room, my head and I have no intention of becoming an ivory trader? Maybe I would rather be a mouse than a man, better to be a live chicken than a dead duck but Don’t Think of Elephants.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 054 ~Not Set in Stone~

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Head splitting headache, I would get them all the time back in school because of anxiety, beats praying on the porcelain altar and I wish I could say I’ve been drinking. “Not Set in Stone”, I’m just waiting for someone to say, you blockhead

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Lesson 054 ~Not Set in Stone~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, honestly I don’t want to say I was afraid though fear is a sickness, it’s a long story so let’s call it anxiety, or if you prefer the short version, a bad headache. Things Can and/or Will Always Get Worse, another rule among many that I have come up with today but I know I’m not the only one, as the song plays on Lu.

Should I say that I’m having trouble keeping my head up, today it’s been sort of a cinder block, talk about giving people a piece of my mind if they did some stupid group activity at work? Another way to look at it is like one of those people in a mental institution, I could use something like that, on the other hand, do I really want to keep the thoughts in that are going all Andy Dufresne trying to escape. Other times it’s like a never ending echo and just as I appear to be getting better, the thoughts shoot around like a pinball.

My Lady you know I’m a simple man with delusions of grandeur and considering others, why am I so afraid, at least I don’t have naked pictures circulating, that I know of. Nobody can compare one’s pain to another but intents and purposes I think I understand some of those celebrities involved in another “Frappening”. They have the world to see them and still I look upon my own shame, not that these celebs have anything to be ashamed of, they were hacked and possibly not thinking clearly, I swear the same thread, my head.

In this day and age it’s still the Sword of Damocles hanging above all of us right, Jigsaw before Jigsaw, to be completely honest I had these problems before the Internet existed… what’s my age again? Now I think everyone nowadays only prays for the next scandal to take off the spotlight, sink or swim in a way and I’m telling Rose to let me on that damn door ha.

When I was in the sixth grade I fell for this girl the “Iron Maiden” she had cancer once upon a time but anyway, before the digital age I was still playing the young poet.

So I intended to woo her, it would take days, a week or two but I wrote her letters and played my own messenger saying I was acting on behalf of someone else, which I would in high school actually for other “gentlemen”. Of course, I let my biology get the best of me and rushed revealing myself and let’s just say, humiliation ensued so when a guy like Roosh V says to imagine the worst case scenario and it won’t be that bad… wrong because I’ve lived through it over and over. It’ll go away but that’s what I thought was supposed to be good about aging, that you forget sooner, geez Luna why am I still thinking about this? Isn’t that today’s lesson that things are not set in stone and yet with college files, the internet, and everything else, it’s always there.
How about if we look at this from the other side, remember the first Frappening with Jennifer Lawrence and you know I’m a fanboy there, without question. I’m a bad man Luna no denying that and I felt so bad for her, I mean after all she was a victim, but that didn’t stop me from collecting all the pictures that I could. She’s ashamed the pictures got out and they are going to be there forever, scour the internet clean, how many hard drives still have those pictures. It’s easier when you’re the one doing the burning and the salting and when it’s not you grin and bear it wondering what people think of you and when it comes to Jennifer, I liked her before, I like her now.

“Six hours ago, I was ready to give my life for you. Do you know what has changed in the last six hours?

No.

Nothing.” – The Matrix Revolutions (2003)

My point is Lu that while our feelings can change, some things clearly are set in more than stone that can’t be erased and we simply must live with them, that’s why a bunch of stupid notes are still at my old school and people have pictures of Jennifer Lawrence’s boobs all over the place.

How about all those Confederate monuments, German people are ashamed of the Nazis but Americans celebrate them and the Confederacy. Speaking of celebrations, you know I couldn’t leave out “Sapphire” you know what that stone represents right and it’s coming faster now, I hate it.

Some things need to be torn down, destroyed but you know I would never ever say that about words, from my own writing to others because this is not Fahrenheit 451 or Newspeak. What about the walls in my own mind, this has been a time of my great fear, happens every year and now I’m just holding out to the end of the month, maybe I’ll forget more, be more open and everything else. For now, my feet are like lead but my will is iron, and write now the stones that have hurt me will help build up my blog all the more, hopefully, less depressing, big dreams.

As far as Sapphire is concerned, I remember high school, nearly on the day another person, a teacher tore me apart, yet another reason I hate the coming Sapphire. “Indiana Gone” is doing her best, I might try to have “Gospel Girl” over, and “Okay” well I hope she is, to be honest. I should truly take stock and be grateful for everything that I have, every year it surprises me, I’m still around here.

So what have I learned today other than the fact that it ain’t my heart it’s my damn head that’s heavy that I am living just not to think… does that make me a Trump supporter? Stone is nothing compared to what remains of us but it’s still there but we would do well to remember Luna our lives, all we are in this place is Not Set in Stone.

Lesson 053 ~An A Musing Line~

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Stay in line, keep your place, single file, being a fan somewhat of the Sith, Empire, First Order, Saviors, and others I can’t say that order is a bad thing, knowing your place and all. An A Musing Line, yeah I want to know where I’m going.

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Lesson 053 ~An A Musing Line~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear… well, not much anyway but the day is still going strong and as I found out “Inspiration Doesn’t Need A Map”, yes just one more new rule in a long line. Sure the straight and narrow path may keep us safer but there is so much more to life and from the looks of it I might still have a long one, now to do.

Other than worry I mean, today feels a bit better than yesterday and that was better than the day before that. It’s not too often I get those visions of things that could be; today I was like any other parent with the exception of my kid being on a leash, while all the two legged kids made their way to the bus stop. If things were better but here I am actually collecting bottle caps like something out of the Fallout franchise, I’m screwed.

Anyway, about today’s lesson, I’ve never been one for a quick witty line but more always know your way out. As you can probably see Luna I’m pretty lost at the moment, same with my poetry, I have no idea what I was thinking other than that Matchbox 20 song and yes I’m still censoring myself. I suppose there is a difference between living each day as though it were your last and thinking each day might be your last.

Every day I go into work and have to ask myself, do they know, will I be punished, how long was I like that after “Senseless”? What was the last day that I was truly proud of the life I am “surviving” that’s just it isn’t it, I’m not living and I’m not alone when it comes to that necessity?

Education, the pursuit of knowledge is also but as I watched that long line of schoolchildren this morning I couldn’t help but be reminded of my own school days. What about the neighbor’s new dog, have I failed that other dog they had, this is what happens when you try to stay in line there comes a time when you just have to get out.

From what I can tell, life is just one long path, one long line, doing whatever they can to escape the grave and everybody thinks they know better. Lead, follow, or get out the way as they say but first, you have to know where you’re going and don’t tell me to fake it till you make it, that’s just another way to get lost. Personally, I don’t want to be lost anymore and while I may be paranoid that doesn’t mean people aren’t following me, hence today’s blocking activities.

I don’t know what happens next but I keep walking away, hopefully with my head up, with no worries, though that seems to be all my friends these days. I was talking to one friend this morning and when I got to such and such a part of my story she said “Well…” I completely understand that though and of course “Indiana Gone” is firmly entrenched on my side. Even in my lifestyle, it frightens me some when people and Braxton think I’m someone to be followed, my road is better off a lonely one.

Everybody else I suppose tends to agree with me on the other hand, it’s lonely at the top and if you want some confidence or inspiration for today, that’s where I’ll be, all the way up. Until then there is just one foot in front of the other and contrary to popular opinion I’m not following anybody for anything now.

The thing is though I am sick of staying in my place and I mean that in a variety of different ways, maybe that’s some of what my OCD is about, everything has its place but not me. I want to step out of line, cross the line if anything I’ll do better next time but have I learned anything?

“Don’t make my mistake, kid. Don’t follow orders your whole life. Think for yourself.” Antz

I spent my life like most of those kids, walking to the bus stop, waiting, doing what was expected of me and where did that get me, Luna, where am I? Just another guy waiting at work, towing the line, knowing my place and in turn tell me where that gets me. Again another line trying to eek out an existence, gathering the tools I need to survive, for Braxton as well, one line another.

What will my last line read and I won’t even get to write it myself; “Reasons to be a writer” will make a debut, I’m serious. Today though looks like I didn’t scare the cute redhead, of course, I don’t think she’s ever seen me before either. More line won’t hurt with some and with others, hell they don’t deserve another line, coming from me.

So what have I learned today other than some lines are better than others; some of these lines, well they just wow… Anyway, someday I’ll be the one everyone will be lining up to see maybe “An A Musing Line”.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 052 ~The Timing of Inspiration~

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A paradigm, a type, and from that I am inspired to create something but while my fingers are in the right place, it’s always the wrong time, that’s what she said and I still hate that joke to this day. The Timing of Inspiration, timing is everything.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Lesson 052 ~The Timing of Inspiration~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, like a drunk man facing his own firing squad, or is that not creative enough for you; can’t say I’m feeling this way myself, so courageous. Today is certainly better, proving a bit of another rule I came up with “sometimes, you may even forget” or I’m just being lazy?

I didn’t dream of anything though, dreams themselves can offer up plenty of opportunities for inspiration to come land in my lap. That will be today’s lesson, so first I ask the question what inspires me and the safest answer would be to say everything. I mean how many ideas do I have in the coming days, Cousin Skeevy, a number of novellas, how about an introduction page, a new blogging book I should read?

“I’m responsible for nineteen of the twenty top-grossing films of all time.

Nineteen?

Yeah, the one about the kid, by himself in his house, burglars trying to get in and he fights them off? I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit.” Serendipity, Dogma

Honestly a few nights ago I was reading through one, I haven’t written a review on and I could barely keep my eyes open, and money-making is a wonderful thing or so I once thought but then here we are. I keep saying one of these days I’m going to write down all the reasons I want to be a writer, another one might be vanity, and speaking of you’re so vain… that’s another bit of inspiration I’ve been thinking about, writing speeches to God who cares anymore like something out of “Collateral Beauty”. Now see I like that, movie and the concept because in a way My Lady you are my collateral beauty, while my poetry seems to be collateral damage in a way.

“Don’t ask me about being a writer. If when you wake up in the morning. you can think of nothing but writing… then you’re a writer.” Sister Act 2 (1993)

Yet another rule I came up with “Whose Right to Censor You” I mean really no more free rent inside my head though yeah I still freeze up from time to time. Maybe I should look to some writers as role models and not the Marquis de Sade, someone wrote he was the freest soul that ever lived but I still have to live here.

In addition to creating a new list of rules to somehow govern myself, I have been looking into a code here or there from the past that I adhered to.
For example, the code of chivalry, specifically the idea of “courtly love” and before you even ask Luna, I haven’t been in love forever or had sex either which explains going for broke from time to time. Remember “Sweetness” and that’s all I ever was to her but a guy can’t win can he, and I don’t think anyone ever excused Sigmund Freud of being a gentleman but it’s all about understanding right? How about that line I never gave “Senseless” yeah that would have gotten me fired for sure, not that keeping my distance did land me in trouble.

I’ve looked in on Bushido, The Laws of 8, Ingsoc, Brave New World, Robin Lefter’s Laws, Fight Club, and I could go on for quite a while, oh and how about Zombieland? I’m getting to be like President Trump, I need to look at The Constitution and maybe The Bill of Rights but how in the world do you defend poetry, oh nobody is special, I got a book of a hundred poems I wrote by the pool, of the five I wrote about The Winx Club while I was on X, how about the one that literal quotes Ellie Goulding’s “Love Me Like You Do”, or to my shame the ones I wrote during the “Harmonic War” just disgusting.

Something I still struggle with, my big sister (not actually related) told me you can’t build a strip club next to a school… anyway, I see her point but that doesn’t negate the fact that I’m a dominant. Personal and professional life Luna, need to keep those separate and while again I’m writing new rules, there is one that remains in my BDSM file and that is “For Me, You Will”, simple. I did write out a bunch for my novel “Some Assembly Required” which I will be working on, starting next month editing but those rules are more sinister.

Now I’ve mentioned that I can find inspiration in everything and while I was high but women, my drug if not by choice but by biology and god how we pay for it. I wish I could just write about sunshine and lollipops okay no I don’t but inspiration only works if you’re beautiful, rich or have a depressing life story to share oh wait…

“Do you know what I am saying? If you’ve got a girl, and she kisses you, sooner or later you’re paying for it. You’ve gotta take her out to lunch, take her to a movie, and then spend time listenin’ to all her stupid problems. Look, look at Stan right there.

He’s gotta sit there and listen to her stupid mother-fuckin’ problems ’cause she kisses him. If you ask me, that’s a lot more than the five dollars my company charges.” – Butters’ Bottom Bitch

Honestly, I don’t see how Taylor Swift does it, though those guys probably ended up with her for a moment, they probably wouldn’t mind any publicity. How about a dude that became more famous because he pissed Alanis Morissette off, and how many shows have ripped off that moment in time. I censor myself though, but probably the bigger problem is I have so many ideas bombarding me and my job is plenty enough scary.

“Well, you know, Henry Miller said the best way to get over a woman is to turn her into literature.” 500 Days of Summer (2009)

You want to talk about inspiration, you want to talk about vanity; I’m freaking scared, nearly petrified, that every word is being twisted, I’m vain enough to believe someone is reading, their vain enough to believe this is a personal attack and a sign of crazy. I see and I create, I feel and I create, I am not what I create because chances are I could never be, impossible, immoral, illegal, insane, I am definitely going to have to make another rule soon. As for right now, all that matters is the work, my novel has fourteen women that I have never met in life as inspirational pieces, and yet… no, it doesn’t even matter anymore, in the past.

So what have I learned today, I could write out all the new rules but that deserves its own entry Luna but today I realized that inspiration cannot completely be contained but simply endured, enjoyed under the right circumstances. Is it what inspires us or what we create because of or in spite of, such is The Timing of Inspiration.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 051 ~Not Easy to Be~

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Being me, of all the horrors seen and imagined I would not wish to be me on anybody, and every day I remain myself and not the monster some would have me to be, trust me some thoughts make me appear to have the face of an angel. Not Easy to Be at all

Monday, August 21, 2017

Lesson 051 ~Not Easy to Be~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, and no it’s not easy to be me, not easy to exist right, not easy to continue when honestly all I want to do is cry, beg, scream, yeah I need to refer to my rules. Yes, I’ve been coming up with rules left and right today and also I have been thinking so much that I don’t know who I am, and people telling me what I am, I have completely neglected to say what I know I’m not.

1. I Will Have No Fear
2. You Are Not a Caveman
3. Now The Work Can Begin
4. Hate Will Keep You Alive
5. Love Is Worth Dying For
6. It’s Worthy of Your Soul
7. Stop Crying Your Heart Out
8. Anger Is Better That Despair
9. Satisfaction, the Death of Desire
10. Make Words Bleed, Not You
11. Live Life According to You
12. Medicate for Your Protection, Yours
13. Power Is All That Matters
14. I Will Go the Distance
15. I Take My Own Lumps
16. I Am a Man Remember

These are in no particular order just how I came up with them and I’ll be adding plenty more, I still don’t what’s going to happen to our conversations in the next month. Luna this is a time of great fear, of shame, of humiliation and I have always found a way to survive but that doesn’t make them any easier to endure. Remind me to write that down someday, how I survived that bad November, or YouTube, college, I swear the list just gets longer and longer sadly.

“Villain am I none. Therefore farewell. I see thou knowest me not.” Romeo + Juliet

Lady Lu I have done some things I’m not too proud of, things that I regret, things that I may not have understood at the time and I have apologized. I have also admitted that my rage along with some lust has a tendency to get out of hand, to vilify me and somehow to terrify others, I try Lu, you know I try and then, I don’t know. What I cannot fathom is how people build this version of me inside of their minds, seriously in high school three boys made up a story, the principal took one look at me and let me go or how about when I was arrested and a judge looked at me… is it just a woman thing?

See it’s that right there, that’s what makes me look like some typical asshole, and the thing is being a typical asshole with this face does not fly with my current problem. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve said before “Indiana Gone” along with the other ladies in my orbit will call me on my BS, without question but this problem ain’t new and that’s sad.

Will I lose my dignity, as the song goes, I think I already have and I’m hoping that’s the end of it but then tell that to my writing. Will someone care, other than Indiana Gone, nope at least not on my side of the divide and see that’s fair.

Will I lose my dignity
will someone care
will I wake tomorrow
from this nightmare – “Will I”, cast of Rent

Tomorrow scares me as I’m sure it does many others if I am truly this evil creature everyone seems to think I am, it should be a club somewhere maybe. All I ever think about is everything I have to lose while everybody else cries foul and continues with their lives and again this is fair of them. I was watching this movie “Me Before You” this morning and to see a man lose his ability to be the man he was *sigh*, how dare I because he was good.

Luna will I lose myself to what they will make me out to be… no, let me make this point for you, I refuse to be the obsessed lunatic they would make me out to be. I refuse to be considered some sort of stalker, perv, predator or whatever else just so they can cry victim I’m not those things at all and I never will be. I hit my sister once and you know what that makes me, a child and my “father” whipped my ass and I’ve never so much as touched a woman without consent since then.

I spanked a girl when I was a kid too, and while plenty of people congratulated me, my father again sat me down and told me women were to be respected. Now that being said my “father” and my mother; anyway, let’s focus on the good because there isn’t much of that when it comes to him and me surely.

It’s my turn to be scared, it’s my turn to be humiliated, the good news is my family wrote me off a long time ago and Braxton can’t read. I take my own lumps if that means putting my fist in a locker if that means stomping my food as if I can crush the bad memories, or continuing to look like a damn fool I can live with that.

“”That’s the bad guy.” So… what that make you? Good? You’re not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don’t have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth. Even when I lie. So say good night to the bad guy!” Tony Montana, Scarface (1983)

It’s my turn to be the loser, as if I will ever stop being the loser, what’s my age again, don’t remind of what’s coming up Luna, but yeah meltdown right on schedule. It’s my turn to make a choice, with the Harmonic War I was defending my work and I burned it all to the ground, but with this, I have come to the simple conclusion as with most people, this ain’t worth it. Hell, I remember she got all upset and I couldn’t even bring myself to look at her words, I simply turned away that was Cowardice or my part but this is Providence I feel because the anxiety is killing me.

It’s one thing to make someone want to run, it’s another to make them stay down but I’m still standing and just saying whatever, no defense, again my work was attacked and it was my worst but having the fire to write again, thank you. I need to thank you too, Luna, for being there in my time of great need, the power of words always prevails doesn’t it, or maybe a need of vanity. It’s my turn Luna, or as the Saints would say… this is our time now, let’s get this shit started, two blogging books down, plans in the works, getting ready.

So what have I learned today, more rules of course and that I know with all my crimes the only person that’s ever been hurt is myself, if that’s not being selfless then I don’t have a prayer. Speaking of prayer Luna, neither of us are the praying kind but I pray to whatever power is out there to protect my Braxton every day, so I ask you, Luna, to pray for us, these days it’s Not Easy to Be.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 050 ~A Comedian Died Today~

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Bad days and a Mad Season, the sun isn’t helping, if this happened tomorrow I might actually say it was something astrological but no just people being people and me being me and we all need to stop. “A Comedian Died Today” then again?

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Lesson 050 ~A Comedian Died Today~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, I Will Have No Fear, You Are Not A Caveman, Now The Work Can Begin, yes it lacks the zing of the motto from “1984” but consider them part of my new philosophy on life. Speaking of life, “Marquis de Joker” is not dead but that smiling, scared idiot, that I was today surely should be, again who am I angrier at, myself or the General Manager, freaking “Big Brother”.

“War is peace.
Freedom is slavery.
Ignorance is strength.”
― Winston Smith, George Orwell, 1984

I’m a dominant Lu but today all I can think about is being punished for my fear; I remember when I was a boy in school when you got into trouble they would make you write sentences a few hundred times. How else can I do it, drugs have been hit and miss with me and they don’t solve the real problem, I have to fight this fear on my own. What do I have to be afraid of My Lady, tell me, what do I have to do to be rid of it; I swear I’m trying, but when the moment comes what happens…

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson

Am I now… I am no one for faith but I want to be as Morpheus said “truthfully unafraid” and I didn’t feel any of that today, I allowed myself to feel inferior and weak, who needs white supremacy when I do this to myself all the time. I was disappointed with myself because of two stupid men… well one of them was me and the other was “Big Brother”; I’d say I can’t wait until our next huddle but for what, so I can shrink away and just become more insane. Fear paralyzes you, Luna, I see it, I feel it, I can’t move, I can’t think, and in the eyes of everyone you just shrink, but more over I was stuck.

“You are not stuck” Ezekiel

I think I finally see what one of my coworkers was saying, I’m always running, isn’t that a bit of a contradiction, I feel stuck but then again I must learn to stand and fight. Yes, I said fight, not with fists yet… but with every breath, every word, every look, which leads me to my next new rule Luna.

“Now I bet you niggas do think y’all white. College don’t mean shit. Y’all niggas and you gonna be niggas forever… just like us. Niggas.

You’re not niggas.” School Daze

You are not a caveman, you are not inferior, you have a voice so goddammit use it, and if that means going completely Newspeak on your vocabulary then so be it because you are not so clown. Yet another reason I’m not losing the pen name because I think I’m hilarious, what was I thinking today, if we had a huddle “I have little patience for people and no patience for stupid people” how’s that?

“To say “I love you” one must know first how to say the “I”.”
― Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead

I am better than the man I was today, without a doubt, I may think all those people at work are stupid but at the end of the day this is about me, how I want to be and while I’m finding so much power in that word how about words I shouldn’t say any more. Hey, Sup, anything that’s not even a word at all just a grunt, and while silence beats stupidity I have a voice, my voice and I could barely hear myself. What about the laughter… I explained once before how I got the name Marquis de Joker because the truth and a joke are synonymous.

“When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.” 1 Corinthians 13:11

This is some truth for you, again a contradiction, you know my fandoms but part of the reason I behave as such is that maybe I still think of myself as a child with no place, what is a child’s word worth? People get drunk, get high, I remember a few trips to the dentist office where I would say whatever and not think about it, we are so much like children that people can laugh at the truths we speak, or in my case, I laugh before to keep from saying them. It’s like a virus, “Indiana Gone” laughs all the time and I can understand why but the thing is a man has to be a man, and I should be.

This morning started out with such promise, and then I left the cave, no I didn’t I carried it with me, I allowed myself to be thought of as a child, to behave as a child, to be disappointed in myself because I gave a rat’s ass, what Big Brother thought of me. A caveman goes out and does what must be done but that’s survival, not living, not evolution.
“I can shoot the wings off the back of the fly!
I’m ready!” Wanted (2008)

Now the work can begin, that’s evolution, that’s courage, manhood, fearlessness but I still have my day job but I almost did it. I was thinking about all the things I wanted to tell you Lu and my boss came in and I had one word written down, do you know what it was… “I” all I needed to add was “Quit” and there’s freedom.

That man, that ass clown asked me, when I didn’t jump at his offer for more hours, did I have another job, what else did I have to do and do you know what I said? “I gotta see about a girl” would have been nice don’t you think, “Good Will Hunting” and all that again I have to learn how to do that thinking in real time. No, I told him, I’m trying to write, does that make me a writer, am I a writer now, wouldn’t be the first time I crossed swords with someone over my budding career.

It only got worse from there when I confused “stop on a dime” and “on the fly” thanks to my social anxiety, you know what helps with that, being mad as hell, one of the reasons I like the Dark Side of The Force, fear, and anger right? If that’s what it takes Luna, I told Indiana Gone that too, at least with my anger, I know exactly where I stand the only thing now is to turn it, less at me and more for them, haven’t we talked about my temper and my hate? I’m the one who’s dying though and today more than ever showed that while that sniveling, shit for brains I was this morning deserves it, “I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!” Network

“Once more into the breach, my friends, once more. We’ll close the wall with our dead. In peace, nothing so becomes a man as modesty and humility, but when the blast of war blows in our ears, then imitate the action of the tiger, summon up the blood, disguise fair nature with rage and lend the eye a terrible aspect.” Kevin Costner, The Postman (1997)

So what have I learned today, that maybe I needed my ass kicked, maybe I needed this humiliation, I need people like “Miss Seasons”, Big Brother, a host of others to laugh and snicker, to reject, to criticize, to ridicule, I need all that noise to truly start and hear myself, heal myself. I Will Have No Fear, You Are Not A Caveman, Now The Work Can Begin, I don’t mean this to be funny anymore, because didn’t you hear Lu, A Comedian Died Today.

I Will Have No Fear
You Are Not A Caveman
Now The Work Can Begin

 

Lesson 049 ~As Badly as Air~

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What do I want out of life, as a matter of fact, what is life other than one breath to the next, and why aren’t I making every single one of them count to have whatever it is I want in this world “As Badly as Air” I wonder how much I truly want.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Lesson 049 ~As Badly as Air~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, as we always come back to the question, what do I want, not what do you want, not what they want, what does society want but for once let me be selfish, hopeful, let me add an I to my tagline of impossible, immoral, illegal, with the word “Insane”. Not a doubt in my mind I’m there already or at least always heading in that direction, so about today’s lesson.

“When you want knowledge as you have just wanted air, then you will have knowledge”

Do you remember when I got super psyched to join up with Mensa, strange considering my grade point average or lack thereof; what exactly was I trying to prove? Honestly Lu it wouldn’t have mattered even if I got in, what would that solve, a wise man that says nothing is thought of as a fool. Maybe I was trying to prove to myself that I wasn’t a fool, that would be a step in the right direction at least.

“There are two types of tragedies in life. One is not getting what you want, the other is getting it.” Yuri, Lord of War (2005)

Anyway, my point is, back then that was something I wanted, bad enough that I paid for the practice test, bad enough that I looked for the actual test, and bad enough that I felt bad after the disaster which was the practice test. What have I wanted that badly since, besides the transgressions of my biology, I mean I want plenty but I went out of my way when it came to Mensa. How about air though, we all want and need air but how badly have I wanted it, what have I been willing to do to get it, if it wasn’t around.

Lady Lu if air wasn’t readily available I would have probably suffocated by now but I have been without it and my answer is “anything” I would do anything for that next breath. “M Anime” reminded me of this yesterday, a child was willing to fight for just one more gasp, so what about now.

I told you making that list yesterday made me all sorts of giddy, it made me feel like I was a kid again, though I was never one to write a list Santa. Who do we write our lists to nowadays, like yesterday it’s all about working, what are we willing to do to keep living, another reason I write.

Like air is everywhere, I never questioned what I would find under the tree, it was there and while I might be surprised here or there, I was grateful and I never expected more. Nobody teaches you how to breathe Luna, maybe a smack on the butt counts but you simply count out and you take what you need and damn anybody else. Now, what if I applied that to everything else in my life if I want it as bad as my next breath then what in the Hell is stopping me from having it, is it just me?

“You got a dream… You gotta protect it. People can’t do somethin’ themselves, they wanna tell you you can’t do it. If you want somethin’, go get it. Period.” – The Pursuit of Happyness (2006)

I haven’t written anything to my parents in a month or so but the world continues to turn, and so do the lights on and off, the air conditioner, how about a dozen other things, I keep living, I keep breathing. How about the fact that all I need to do is keep breathing so that I can do my job, I must want my job pretty damn badly to keep getting up. What about us Luna, every day I write and that says something when I want to write as badly as I need to breathe, that’s something right?

Maybe I’m finally getting the hang of this life thing, you know how much I hate that whole living every moment like it’s your last, if that were the case I would be ashamed of myself. How about treating everything as though you’re reaching for that last breath, everything you want is in that next breath, even if you can’t see it, just breathe in.

“I’m not that optimistic. I feel like I’m sinking down a drain and I can’t get out.

She’d say, “when you’re stuck in that spiral, you reach up”.

What if there’s nothing up there?

Just reach up.” Planet Terror (2007)

I know Luna I’m not one for motivation but this morning as I mulled over getting Braxton a new groomer, and my Amazon list I just started thinking, when I want us to have everything as much as I need the next breath what will I do to accomplish this? I’ve never been this early chatting you up I don’t think but first things first, I need to work harder.

Did you see how expensive all my wishes are, no my dear talking up a girl for one day out of the year isn’t going to cut it, though speaking of which talking up a girl at all would be something. Doesn’t that go back to being the caveman and then evolving, what’s the use of air if I’m not going to use it, I might just become one of those mouth breathers but like Braxton, I have plenty to say. What do I want as badly as I want air, I want to do something with it I want to live, the pursuit of happiness and all that jazz.

As badly as I want air, I actually want someone that takes it away from me, and I don’t mean to catch it because she will be standing there right in front of me. I don’t want to be afraid anymore with any of my breaths, which means facing down my fears, heading back to the illegal side of things because I want to stop some breaths and hearts. With each and every breath I want to know that finally, I am the person that I should be in life.

So what have we learned today, if I see anything I want, treat it as the next breath, what am I willing to do to possess and to do that, and hopefully not be arrested? Every single breath needs to matter because if you must fight for the next one at least it should be worth something and that something should be truly wanted and desired As Badly as Air.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 048 ~Time for A Harvest~

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A time to sow and a time to reap or however the church says it these days; to be a child again and telling everybody what today was, now I earn my daily bread like everyone else. Time for A Harvest, the ultimate payday, a celebration of existence yep

Friday, August 18, 2017

Lesson 048 ~Time for A Harvest~

Hey Lady Lu,
Before I was the caveman I was just a kid, of course, can’t say that this time of year made me any happier but this was pretty much harvest time, in a few weeks anyway. I think I told you before a lady told me I would be a minister one day… if you meant making false promises and taking people’s money, yeah I had a knack for that sort of a thing from time to time.

The good ole days when I use to have a voice, I was just thinking about how I did it before, cute kid bouncing around at church from member to member, that’s how I made my allowance. It wasn’t just the money though, money was nice but the attention, you can’t win them all you know but I would keep trying which means there was something more right? How often I find myself agreeing with the phrase, “ignorance is bliss” because around this time of year there was one fact I simply chose to ignore, good things eventually will end.

You probably know what I’m talking about Lu but I don’t want to tip off anyone that might be happening to eavesdrop but honestly isn’t that what we both want in the end? What was that about false promises because that was me, especially to myself, we talked about this before but what’s my favorite line “I’ll do better next time” more to the point I’ll be better next time, older, wiser, more famous. I owe plenty of people at least from a financial standpoint, to think I once went around thinking a certain amount of money would solve my problem from here to there.

That’s today lesson, my friend, now nobody is calling to collect, my own personal Negan has been silent… okay let me stop there I actually have more respect for Negan and for those who run a protection racket. If anything I really owe myself and you know what happens to those that don’t pay their debts, okay I’m good today.

How do they say Lu, if you loan anything don’t expect to get it back and I mean we all expect it to be returned but we’re just trying to be nice. We can’t all be as heartless as Trump, yeah you should see today’s poem, I swear my inspiration pulled something from my mind that doesn’t have anything to do with you know who… 98% of it anyway but I’m sure that will come back and bite me someday.

Karma always comes back doesn’t it, we give so much away just hoping that little bit that becomes ours isn’t what fate is looking for. I try not to be lazy and was cutting the grass today so Braxton doesn’t come back with a host of creepy crawlers, I give my time to avoid the death glare from the neighbors and what do I get in return but a dog I’m still worried about and more things to do, sweep, wash clothes, another day of procrastination. What I’m trying to say is when do I get mine… I feel so bad saying that because I know exactly when that will be when I actually start giving a damn and work.

Maybe that’s another reason I don’t like this time of year because what has been my accomplishment, I want to go dark so badly right now but I’m trying to maintain a stiff upper lip. When it comes to other people they jump up and down for joy, they take the week, the month off, a celebration of existence, yeah I’m glad that some of them do. For me though it’s just another day, things I’m looking forward to, I requested three days off from work, you and I probably won’t be talking as much, Luna I tell you so much but I can use a break, how about for the most part I won’t be listening to a few dozen people wishing me anything.

Yeah, there are some women down Nevada way that didn’t get the memo, wonder if I can erase such and such off my public forum. We reap what we sow, maybe I should get more to sowing but for this time I the season what is it that I want to reap, why do I have to be that greedy?

Honestly, last year was good and maybe I did have ideas about this year, hell I was going to be a pimp, dare to dream right and even though my true list is still plenty impossible, immoral, and illegal what exactly am I hoping for when “The Day” does come?

I’ve been heavy into Saints Row and Fallout 4, the PS4 is not impossible but something I’ll get for myself, as far as the games though, Saints Row 2, 3, 4, and Gat Out of Hell are within reach for my PS3, also The Walking Dead. I suppose I’ll always be a gamer at heart if I ever find the time for it, instead of living it up on Youtube. Even now I’m forgetting how many games I want like I kid talking to Santa and then I became an atheist but that’s a story for another time I suppose.

Can’t say I am a fan of gift cards but I always keep one on Amazon to stop me from going nuts with the money I am trying to save, what I have on a gift card is what I spend. How about all my fandoms The Walking Dead, Star Wars, The Hunger Games, Divergent, Article 5, Twilight, and the list goes on, I’m still saving up for a custom made lightsaber and a real Lucille, hell I want a weapon’s cache, my own vial of the T-Virus, okay now I’m starting to get giddy.

I remember my mother would fix me steak and baked potato, what about lobster, what about cake, when was the last time I had a cake for my… never mind, how about shrimp from my favorite place or my other favorite place because I’m not driving all the way over there. What about a tattoo, considering all the pain associated with that day, that pain should be nothing, and I already have plenty of quotes to consider, or what about something for Braxton, or Lucille. Last but not least, strippers, chances are I wouldn’t be so lucky to get some submissive but at least watching someone take their clothes off, come on Luna you have to give me a break here but already I have offended the masses, you think, in case I did, going to the movies, or marathon series perhaps, but yeah plans.

So what have I learned today other than, you work for what you get and if I actually could send a Terminator back in time… anyway let me say a happy birthday to “M Anime” and as for my own life I can’t help but wonder Time for A Harvest?

Lesson 047 ~Need You to Roar~

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The road not taken, the things I should have said but considering I don’t die in the next couple of days, I can go to work and I can still have my chance in the end, maybe. “Need You to Roar”, because I just have to

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Lesson 047 ~Need You to Roar~

Now I’m not one for talking because honestly most of you aren’t worth my time and why waste my breath anyway. It seems I have enough people speaking as if I can’t speak for myself every single day, Will says this, Will is thinking that Will does that and for one thing that needs to stop right now because this is what Will really is thinking about all of this.

Will is thinking all you people ever do is complain, “I’m tired”, “I’m hot” how about “I’m gainfully employed”, I hate my job too but at least I’m not constantly complaining about it. Will thinks how cool it would be if you would just shut up for once, instead of spewing all that hot air as if you stop talking then you would stop breathing. If Will was one for complaining, Will thinks it would be better if we didn’t have to listen to Beyoncé all the time or that we take turns, with the music, maybe bring back the headphones rule or anything truthfully.

I mean when Will’s dog barks at least he’s making a contribution to society and is doing his job to the best of his ability rather than wasting everyone’s time. Speaking of time, unless you want Will to specifically to train someone or one of you managers is sending someone to help Will, don’t have people getting all in Will’s way. If Will needs help he’ll ask, he’s never been shy about the things he’s capable of or asking for clarification on certain aspects of his job as they come.

The fact that Will has to bring this up in front of all of you rather, that one manager at a time sort of shows that I think most of you that Will is trying to save time. Oh and as I previously stated all this Will this and Will that needs to stop immediately because Will no longer has the time or patience to deal, just being honest okay.

Speaking of honesty, whatever this conspiracy is that Will needs a friend also needs to be shut down and don’t tell Will that there isn’t a conspiracy, since Will himself has been called into the office on occasion to keep an eye on some person. This isn’t elementary school where everybody needs to get a flipping Valentine’s Day card, Will isn’t here to make friends.

Will noticed over the past few weeks, certain employees trying to make a conversation and okay Will could be wrong, maybe people are just bored. The thing is your boredom is not Will’s concern he just wants to do his job so why the sudden interest in Will’s life, again the idea of some sort of conspiracy. It is also unfair somewhat to give someone fewer hours and then feel you can just call whenever as if people don’t have plans it seems if someone were so dependable they would not be given fewer hours in the first place right?

To reiterate this is not grade school or high school, being friendly maybe be a job requirement but being friends is not. Liking someone is not a requisite to following orders, do what is required of you, why the need for a popularity contest, Will thinks we all are adults here to a certain degree. Will is thinking why is being co-workers not enough for some, this is a job, not a social club, and if this is a family, yeah Will might ignore them too so it pans out.

Also for the record, if you’re not Will’s dog, Will’s girl or applying for the position, keep your hands off of Will, there is such a thing as personal space. Last but not least, Will is not here to be the butt of your jokes or to be forced to endure the same lame ass jokes day in and day out, which goes back into why is everyone talking so much and for once you can say Will say that.

Hey Lady Lu,
My apologies for my rant but I was so freaking pissed today, the only question is was I madder at myself or people in general, coworkers and honestly I wasn’t the only one. There is absolutely no excuse for my silence today, but other than the anger today wasn’t half bad… should I start taking my meds again, I’m becoming a miser.

“Let no man forget how menacing we are, we are lions!” – Achilles, Troy (2004)

Another recent development I suppose, I’ve never been stingy with my money, I could actually afford to spend a little but money like time is becoming a limited commodity. I haven’t read anything for days besides a book on blogging and I still have to put that into practice; what about the book club, no Luna I don’t blame you. Just to be fair though I might have to cut down on our chats a bit, waiting until the end of the month though to see how that goes Lu.

“There are no pacts between lions and men.” – Troy

I won’t cut you out of my life again entirely, okay no promises but I have to write every day and I’m already being wiped out and how about my book? I think maybe I got all the workplace angst out of my system which is good, I meant to make some comparison to lions, all the quotes right but anger really burned me out today. Luna, I had all the time in the world to stand and again I crumbled but evolution my dear takes time, always with time.

“You watch those nature documentaries on the cable? You see the one about lions? You got this lion. He’s the king of the jungle, huge mane out to here. He’s laying under a tree, in the middle of Africa. He’s so big, it’s so hot. He doesn’t want to move. Now the little lions come, they start messing with him. Biting his tail, biting his ears. He doesn’t do anything. The lioness, she starts messing with him. Coming over, making trouble. Still nothing. Now the other animals, they notice this. They start to move in. The jackals; hyenas. They’re barking at him, laughing at him. They nip his toes, and eat the food that’s in his domain. They do this, then they get closer and closer, bolder and bolder. Till one day, that lion gets up and tears the shit out of everybody. Runs like the wind, eats everything in his path. Cause every once in a while, the lion has to show the jackals, who he is.” Poolhall Junkies

As for what I learned today, having a big mouth is not always a good thing unless you have the power to go with it. Today I heard fear, I heard anger, I heard the return of the flipping caveman and that’s not good to the man in the mirror I Need You to Roar.

“I see pride! I see power! I see a bad-ass mother who don’t take no crap off of nobody!” – Yul Brenner, Cool Runnings (1993)

Lesson 046 ~You Can Hate Me~

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Not my theme song as of yet, though plenty of people hate my kind, I, on the other hand, am an equal opportunity hater but that doesn’t help with the question where is the love “You Can Hate Me,” maybe I know plenty of people that do in fact

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Lesson 046 ~You Can Hate Me~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, but is it truly so bad, if we have equal rights, if I don’t have to pretend to like you, if I can be me and you can be you and no I’m not talking about separate but equal like back in the day, that wasn’t fair, no not at all. What I mean is, for some Luna, I talked about this last night, I don’t want to make the effort to pretend; I know there is such a thing as courtesy, but there is a fine line between being friends and then being friendly.

Work is not the place I go to make friends *cough* “Okay” *cough* “Gospel Girl” *cough*, so what can I say I like a particular type of girl but I consider myself one for equal opportunity with different women. Isn’t that profiling though, I mean how many of those white supremacists know anything about different races, other than what they have been taught to believe. Don’t I have experience on my side when it comes to people, as I said equality, the people I want to make an honest effort with I’ll most certainly try.

Hate though, still not religious but why does God make it so easy, he’s pretty equal to when you consider ending the world with a flood, Lot’s family, Job, and others, he made an effort and screwed everybody else. It’s not an old concept my dear Luna, I want to be friendly but I don’t want to be your friend, I’m not talking about us of course, you and I are friends, even through the years of not speaking I hope. Why is it we all hate to be hated or even worse ignored, I’m exactly the same in that I want to be liked, but I also want to be left alone most days.

So why am I hated if I’m not one for doing anything at all, hated for existing or as I talked about last night the fear of how I, how they, how we might go about changing the world, the status quo. I’m not superior to anybody but don’t I want to be, at least where money and power are concerned, I can be a bit hoity-toity here and there.

“A man’s sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions… He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer–because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement.”
― Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

I’m sure I told you in a former life that my grandmother said I was full of pride, can you believe that, me with pride but I do see it from time to time. Why would anybody hate me, Luna, I’ve been raised in the south but most people that look down on me are my “own” people, yeah I’ve had my share of racism but compared to what?

When I go shopping I always go for name brands, I can’t do the general stuff but that’s not me flaunting superiority is it, there honestly is a difference in quality is it not? What about certain women, experience Luna, just experience if one type of woman turns me down or hates me outright who am I to continue to show love? Martin Luther King Jr wanted to turn hate into love and it is an admirable goal without a doubt but I cannot show that sort of effort, I don’t need the world to love me… oh yeah, fame.

Why do people hate me, I can look in the mirror and know for a fact that I’m not easy to look at, of course, “Indiana Gone” would have some choice words if she heard me say that. I haven’t said skeevy in a while but yes I am, I won’t deny it, I crossed a line and you know what we both did, we built a wall, well actually I made a trench and she filled it with a wall. For certain it’s because I’m not like them and if I ever was I would hate myself all the more, yeah I want to be loud but not stupid.

Do I consider myself smarter then, if it’s between Shakespeare and football then give me Shakespeare but they don’t have to listen to it if they don’t want? When you hate everything you are to become what they want is the ultimate crime, when they can’t turn you and when you can’t leave because there is nowhere else to go.

“But we make the brain perfect before we blow it out.” ― George Orwell, 1984

How is it they say, if you can’t deal with my worse then you don’t deserve my best, the only thing worse than my outside is within and that’s why I give people a reason to hate me, in a way it’s a public service, making people less shallow. Is it possible to vanquish hate, with an understanding perhaps but humanity prefers love with hatred coming in a close second.

The fact that people hate me at all is something, hatred takes a lot of effort, not thought, effort, though ask me why I hate anybody and while I have my fear I can name dozens of reasons but most people aren’t worth the effort. Indifference is supposed to be worse but I rather have that than you being someone who isn’t worth the effort, making me want to understand and then choosing to hate because it saves some time. If you want to know a time that love came easily when I first saw Braxton, how about the first brunette that somehow captured my heart, or reading “The Gargoyle”.

“I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you’re always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you’re not around, and the fact that you didn’t call. But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.” 10 Things I Hate About You

While I don’t see love on the horizon, I see hate around every corner, I’m going to hate tomorrow, the job, the people, my bank account but I’ll make the effort just to get through it. I hate the failures that will come, that the man I want to be won’t defeat the man I am and I’ll hate him more furiously than anyone else because I know how and I don’t want to hate people more than I already do. I will especially hate the future, if I’m still at the same job, still alone, and Braxton isn’t going to live forever, even today the sound when he wasn’t here but at the groomers, now that Luna is hate.

So what have I learned today, other than I’m making a few claims on the world that I can’t back up, not without somebody bleeding; there was hate then, hate now, and hate in the future so I better find somebody to love that has more than four legs. I shouldn’t hate at all but the world doesn’t bend to my will as of yet so, You Can Hate Me.

I Will Have No Fear