Category: Madam Justice

Lesson 289 ~Going To Hell, Them First~

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I’ve never pictured myself making it to Heaven and anybody that ticks me off certainly ain’t that righteous because if you get your rocks off torturing someone like me… anyway another story. Going To Hell, Them First as it should be ha

Monday, April 16, 2018

Lesson 289 ~Going To Hell, Them First~

Twenty-Eighth Rule Madam Justice

I Am Not Fine Today, it’s this hate, you know me Madam Justice, I don’t want to hurt anybody when I walk out the door, noted I’m always ready for a war with a few choice individuals but live and let live. So I go to the movies last night, just trying to order some snacks and these four women start pointing and laughing at me like I’m some big joke, nobody else just them.

That’s the problem, like with any disease you don’t want to do damage to what’s right and healthy but the virus, the bad only wishes to infect every single part of what is the best of us. I’m not Cancer Madam Justice, I know what you’re thinking, even though if I were one for reincarnation I would like to be a virus, a zombie sickness if I may be ever so specific. If anything I’m wounded and all I want to do is heal, but people like my boss, like those stupid women, that janitor, that bitch poke me, they won’t stop, they want to know. If you keep poking at a wound what happens, as Morgan would put it, “you know what it is” you know I’m sure right?

Still, I don’t die though everyone does, only you outlive your enemies, not friends… that is honestly going in my rules, but the thing is for a guy like me, hate cannot know such distance, not if I am going to be a part of this world. I hate my father and how many years has it been, I hate that girl, and it’s day two-hundred and eighty freaking nine and who knows if she’s given me a second thought. Again I don’t want to hurt anybody, so I suffer, and they live, but one of the reasons I continued to live and write is because one day I have faith I won’t be the only one here; I shouldn’t be the first at all.

If you told me I could let go of my hate and go to Heaven I could and in less than twenty-four hours it would find me again because that’s what people do, we hate, we instill hate. Another one of my rules states “Hate Will Keep You Alive,” and I don’t want to die. So I don’t suppose that I will see Hell for a long time, I’ve learned Going To Hell, Them First.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 282 ~Twenty Seconds Of Insane Courage~

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What is a second of courage, an idea, a step, eye contact, a few more seconds, one foot in front of the other, and still there are more and am I facing oblivion yet, five minutes, an hour, what is twenty seconds that? Twenty Seconds Of Insane Courage

Monday, April 9, 2018

Lesson 282 ~Twenty Seconds Of Insane Courage~

Twenty-Seventh Rule Madam Justice

I Am Not Fine Today, how can I be; I’ve always had this sneaking suspicion that the world will come to an end any second, so I’m forever trying to survive until the next five minutes. If I make it give five more, anyone who knows me can say I am a stickler for time unless I feel that whatever it is no longer matters, e.g., my day job, once upon a time I would show up fifteen minutes early.

Sometimes Madam Justice I can easily blame my OCD, but for the most part, it’s fear because when it comes to something like “women” as the song goes “Can We Talk.” Hell, I’m not asking for fifteen, five, hell I’m not asking for even a minute, all I need is twenty seconds, that’s the hard part. What can a man do in twenty seconds, I know women who would have some interesting answers, but men can destroy the world, or you can save a life, you can give love “If Only For One Night” and some might even offer forever.

Honestly Madam Justice I have yet to decide what type of man I will be even at my age, but unfortunately, I have yet to be a brave one, though people have seen different sides of me. Here’s the thing though, let’s reread the rule, I am focusing on “courage” when I should relish on “insane,” and that is something that most will not deny about me, this is something I utterly believe above all else. So if I can get the time right and feel what others think to be insane, as in I have great courage, what is stopping me, there is nothing.

I mean come on just today I have wasted over three hours of my life on something I believe has no value according to me… I am starting to sound like “Cherry” no matter how many times you tell her something she won’t understand. Maybe that’s the trick, thinking I’m insane when it might be the rest of the world, and I’m normal, sort of like that story that the girl told in Veronika Decides to Die: A Novel of Redemption, see how crazy I am becoming these days Justice.

I could be crazy enough to tell you why I didn’t go to prom, well more a story for Inspector Echo am I right? Anyway sometimes I think I see the bigger picture, and other times I only want to live the next few minutes well, sort of like “The 13th Warrior” but most of all I want to be the man I know I can be if I show Twenty Seconds Of Insane Courage.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 275 ~People Lie, Don’t Stand There~

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I talked about taking ten steps last week, and now I don’t know whether to stand or run, but at the end of the day I can’t lie down, but isn’t that what I did at work today *sigh* then again I might need that breath. People Lie, Don’t Stand There now

Monday, April 02, 2018

Lesson 275 ~People Lie, Don’t Stand There~

Twenty-Sixth Rule Madam Justice

I Am Not Fine Today, but I am not dead yet which is one of the meanings of this rule; this is but another way to say that I will not join the dead. I will not wait my turn; I will not mourn my life away or even dance on their graves as much as I may want to. The second concept of this rule is a lesson I learned again today, people will lie about you, people will want you to stand for this, but if you hold to their lies what else can you do but fall?

“ let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. That’s the only way to become what you are meant to be.” Kylo Ren

Given my many chances with death or maybe just this moment, I don’t want to die, the plethora of zombie entertainment shows an overwhelming majority when faced with the dead, stand and fight, or they run, but all choose to live. I have never been one to mourn the dead, my grandmother, aunts, more family, and maybe you could call me heartless, but I do not wallow in tears or even blood, because I can’t swim, there’s a rule in there somewhere, right? Once those that hurt me are gone why do they deserve another drop of sweat, I got my quart of blood, in the end, I need only move on, always keep moving.

“Compromise where you can. Where you can’t, don’t. Even if everyone is telling you that something wrong is something right. Even if the whole world is telling you to move, it is your duty to plant yourself like a tree, look them in the eye, and say, ‘No, *you* move’.” Captain America: Civil War (2016)

Now call me a hypocrite but in the same token when somebody lies on me, sweeps something under the rug, I move and I find another place to stand; take my general manager today, what did he make me out to be today, a coward. A man would have moved, a man would have gotten in his face and asked him, who the fuck does he think he’s talking to, does this man think he can call me out like this, an on a racial note a black man tearing another black man down. Allow me to break a bit of a personal record since I haven’t mentioned that bitch in a while but my name is Will, capital WILL and I’m not skeevy, creepy, or some would-be obsessive. She’s not worth the time; I’m just a stupid guy that liked a more idiotic girl.

Some falsehoods should be lying in the dirt, that doesn’t mean you have to dig each one up and the ones that you do, you expose, no more skeletons will find a home in my closet. No more masks either, as I ponder which one to wear today because I know the truth don’t I, People Lie, Don’t Stand There.
“Truth is singular. Its “versions” are mistruths.” Cloud Atlas (2012)

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 268 ~Perfect Ten, Means Ten Steps~

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Get up and walk ten steps, I heard that in a movie and those guys were fighting for their lives but I barely even pick my feet up anymore, if it wasn’t for stairs… but I imagine there will be someone up there waiting. Perfect Ten, Means Ten Steps huh

Monday, March 26, 2018

Lesson 268 ~Perfect Ten, Means Ten Steps~

Twenty-Fifth Rule Madam Justice

I Am Not Fine Today, even thinking for a moment that women are less complicated than let’s say most addictions, e.g., a twelve step program, the twelve labors of Hercules, hell even the twelve days of Christmas, keeping in mind when Christmas starts these days.

For most guys, it starts with the girl next door, and honestly, that’s a vast gulf, but for me, it took maybe a year to get over. Third grade was putting girls in the dirt, fourth grade was a whole new type of hitting, and by fifth grade well I was ten steps closer to all kinds of trouble. Puberty was zero to a hundred, talk about missing all the steps, and my parents didn’t help, “no face as hideous as my face” so why bother with the talk right, wasn’t like I was going out anywhere. I’ve always said my mother did her best to raise a gentleman, hell even my father didn’t approve of me smacking girls’ behinds, the rules of courtship were a complete blank for me.

For a guy wholly preoccupied with getting in some girl’s pants, perhaps I am a bit old-fashioned. Maybe I was fortunate enough to be influenced by the 90s with a mix of admiration of R&B and writing, or it could be the fact that I’m a dominant and one of the provisions of submission is to have genuine trust. Also, my standards are quite high, or I’m shallow without any right to be, but for someone of quality one must step their game up, meaning the more I want someone the harder I try, which might not sound fair. Remember though Madam Justice there is also the “Blackjack Scale” to consider, that goes to twenty-one and currently not one human walking the planet is that high. My dog, of course, lives here, has every single need met, toys galore, a myriad of comfy spots including my bed, and when we met, I didn’t have to take ten steps, just one.

So maybe I’m lazy because that love came quickly but for the right girl why not take ten steps, wanting a person is harder than my “Big Ten Inch… record of the band that plays the blues “thanks, Bull Moose Jackson. It means more though to a girl though, if you think she’s everything, knowing she’s worth the travel, truth, Perfect Ten, Means Ten Steps.

“You can’t tell me you can’t do it!
Get up and walk ten steps.
– Get up and walk!” Alive

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 261 ~Be Who My Dog Deserves~

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Who’s a good dog, if he doesn’t know that by now then I am honestly no type of father and despite all my failures, being the man that he needs me to be is something that I can not afford to fail, not ever. “Be Who My Dog Deserves”

Monday, March 19, 2018

Lesson 261 ~Be Who My Dog Deserves~

Twenty-Fourth Rule Madam Justice

I Am Not Fine Today but that doesn’t matter now does it, because when you love it merely means you put them ahead of you and the more love you give, the more returns to you or so I’ve been told that’s how it works. Think about it, most pets have four legs, birds have wings, other pets have their qualities, and yet they say that a dog is man’s best friend; such real words.

“All I know is that the boy was my charge. And if he was not the word of God. Then God never spoke.” The Road

Sometimes I ask myself, what great sin did this dog have to commit, earning his lot in life; I remember begging and pleading with my father for a dog, and sure my sister and I had my grandma’s dogs, but here my sister never mentioned a dog ever. Next thing I know my father walks in with this few pounds of fluff for her; I raised him, I did all I could do, and when the time came to move it wasn’t a question, just get in the car. We have fought side by side, bled together, same enemies, saved each other’s lives, and perhaps one of my greatest sins is that he turned out to be like me, which begs the question, what on Earth have I done wrong?

“He’d grown up just like me
My boy was just like me” ― Harry Chapin, Cat’s In The Cradle (1974)

I know I’ve said that I pretended that my future wife is watching me and I want to be better because maybe if I am; if I can be that man I may be able to find her finally. At my age I know I’m not ready to be her boyfriend, her man, her husband. Then again I wasn’t prepared to be a father, to think I scoffed when I watched all the other kids with the “Pumped Up Kicks” including my sister making babies and despite everything, I could say I wasn’t making such decisions, taking such risks, and somehow that made me better. Only I have Madam Justice, I have when it comes to my dog, and I have to make it right which means as the song goes I must be The Best Man I Can Be.

He just made Level 13 on February 13 and as I often tell “Indiana Gone,” “I love him like pancakes,” and I look forward to him being Level 20 and beyond but I’m not stupid for once; he has a heart murmur, he’s developing cataracts. The vet says surgery is risky but if there is a chance? All I know is I can’t name five humans that I love or love me that equal him. I love him enough that every day I even ask him, “are you a happy puppy, is this your best life,” I want him to meet my family one day. I need him to know that I’ll be okay that as I loved him, he saved me but most importantly of all I need to Be Who My Dog Deserves.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 254 ~Write Where They “WILL” See~

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People are frightened by silence, but while they fear to shut-up, I am afraid to speak because even now I can imagine what’s going on upstairs in their brains, and what is going on in mine at any one time. Write Where They “WILL” See, maybe not?

Monday, March 12, 2018

Lesson 254 ~Write Where They “WILL” See~

Twenty-Third Rule Madam Justice

I Am Not Afraid Anymore, but perhaps I am a fool because war doesn’t frighten me, hell what do I know about war, as a matter of fact, what do I know about writing? The things I dreamed as a child, there was a point where I wanted to be the Secretary of Defense, and while I still envision such power, you must start with one’s self, so I sought to be a journalist, a wartime journalist to be precise.

“I didn’t think I could stop the war. I just thought maybe, I might try and understand one.
Maybe help folks back home understand. I just figure I could do that better… shooting a camera than I could shooting a rifle.” We Were Soldiers (2002)

Now ask me why I’m not a psychopath Madam Justice; I couldn’t tell you the names of the living or the dead in any of the shootings running rampant, how many novels could I outline at the moment, what about all the things that Trump has said? Grab them by the pussy; not eloquent, or profound words but they resonant and sad to say, what I strive for as a writer, words that cannot know avoidance, dismissal, or forgetfulness. Hell, there are words that I didn’t read like “The Harmonic War,” that are a physical illness. There are friends I have lost that I can never forget, and my god we’re here day two-hundred and fifty-four and I still think about being called “skeevy,” that just resonates in my skull.

Write Where They Will See, is, unfortunately, a rule I still refuse to live up to because of my fear but when I write, I want my words written in your bathroom mirror, I want you to see yourself through my eyes. I want my words scribbled on your skull, a white room for your brain where you sit in the middle wondering is it you or me. My words should be so freaking painful that you go to a website and you hold your hand up trying to block the words on Google, that for days on end you’re looking around wondering, do they know, am I this thing; I’m a horrible writer right?

Even now Madam Justice I am incapable of hurting anybody, only myself, at work today I told the general manager that with how he feels about the first amendment, I couldn’t speak up. I don’t think anybody sees us, but that has got to change, I refuse to lie amongst the dead a name and nothing more, they took that, she stole that. Only my dream is to write my name across the sky, to echo like thunder, to rage like the winds, to drown some in their tears, and leave nothing of the man they think me to be.

No pages, no blogs, no comments, not anything but the truth; how to do that, Write Where They “WILL” See.

First Amendment Bill Of Rights

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.”

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 247 ~You Don’t Run From Beauty~

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Would you rather be smart or beautiful, if you’re smart you would probably say beautiful, what’s one more dumb person but then again what’s one more pretty face, and I’m pretty stupid sadly. “You Don’t Run From Beauty” never.

Monday, March 5, 2018

Lesson 247 ~You Don’t Run From Beauty~

Twenty-Second Rule Madam Justice

I Am Not Afraid Anymore, my dog is the most fantastic thing ever, and my closet is full of color and skeletons, and as always I have been looked at as more of a beast, but there is no beauty to be found here. Music, Art, Poetry, etc. are beautiful; it’s widely known that medicine, law, business, engineering, these things give us what is thought to be civilization, but the beauty of women at least from my perspective is what gives life and sustains it.

The beauty of a woman is like a car wreck, you should mind your business, but you slow down; you inquire, and next thing you know you’ve created a more significant mess and you might die. At least a beast looks dangerous, cigarettes have warnings galore, but women hell in this day and age I think men are just idiots, which explains all the men in trouble these days; myself included hence the rule. Despite it all, I believe that beauty is a blessing rather than a curse, but that’s from the outside looking in, is it not; I’m not handsome, dashing, anything that can be mistaken for beautiful Justice.

“The only way to survive a mad world is to embrace the madness” The Good Man, Fear the Walking Dead

It was not the beast that conquered beauty but beauty that overcame the creature; I could compare beauty to a virus but don’t I do that with just about everything, the thing is that it’s a virus you want to catch. It infects your mind, makes you dumber and quickly drives you mad, impairs your speech, blinds you both physically and mentally; it makes you hunger for that which is already a gift, life. Speaking of being, what about that which you do not find beautiful, strangely enough, the laws are written by the ugly, and some of the most beautiful who have no intention of becoming ugly don’t want to be known for the beauty that they possess honestly.

If this was that episode of The Twilight Zone “Number 12 Looks Just Like You” I would be dead already, well worse than that maybe and again I already am as I hear people say. All of me, outside and in depending on who you ask. A world full of beauty and I have known ugliness and nothing more so maybe my rule is somewhat off because truthfully whatever could I do to escape it, other than keeping “it” in my pants, my hands to myself, and what’s the rate on bell towers these days?

“Where you gonna go, where you gonna run, where you gonna hide? Nowhere… ’cause there’s no one like you left.” Carol Malone, Body Snatchers (1993)

Madam Justice have I ever been running or am I just letting it kill me, lust is a fever, want, desire, and what is beauty without a beast or could I become a man, a frog kissed by a princess; You Don’t Run From Beauty.

“Well, a respectable member of the medical community once told me that money can make anyone look beautiful.” Too Cute

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 240 ~Get Up And Earn It~

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What are you working for, what do you want, what about when they asked the question in school, what would you do if you had a million dollars; I’d ask how I got a million in the first place. “Get Up And Earn It” and how?

Monday, February 26, 2018

Lesson 240 ~Get Up And Earn It~

“You got a dream… You gotta protect it. People can’t do somethin’ themselves, they wanna tell you you can’t do it. If you want somethin’, go get it. Period.” ― The Pursuit of Happyness (2006)

Twenty-First Rule Madam Justice,

I Am Not Afraid Anymore; I may be lazy, then slow, stupid, a great many things, and we don’t have time to go through them all, but the fact of the matter is, I’m here. Now I know that isn’t good enough for some people, I remember telling a girl I’m up and to come over, probably not the best choice of words but that’s where it starts, getting it up, easier said than done.

“Just reach up.” Planet Terror

So what gets it up for me, I’m trying not to think of some stupid sexual innuendo; if anything I’m too tired for that, and I’ll consider that a good thing. The day job doesn’t do it for me but every morning, I get up, I do what I have to, sometimes that means raising your voice, maybe looking someone in the eye, if anything it’s just putting one foot in front of the other. I think therein lies the problem, you have to keep moving but where am I going, who’s race is this, being up and about with no purpose, no life, only the need to feed, how I envy Carl Grimes now.

Who was it that said life is a gift, every day we all have to go out there and earn it, no it’s not a gift, a privilege, an honor. Madam Justice it’s an obligation, a responsibility, and don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that it doesn’t have its good parts here or there. We can enjoy it without a doubt but it sure as hell ain’t free and there are those who don’t earn but merely steal as though that is there purpose. It always comes back to the question, for me what makes me get up, what is it that I want to earn in the end, what does it all mean?

I could talk about being a family man someday, hell I already am, I get up and work, to keep my dog’s belly full, to make sure he has a good life, to keep him with me because he’s getting old in this world. How many times does it come back to somebody else, I love him like pancakes but my dog, promises to friends, all the assholes I know again what is it that gets me up and makes me want to earn anything.

You know something, maybe I have the rule all wrong, should it be get up and learn it… so many years ago and even worse these days; I need time, Get Up And Earn It.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 233 ~What’s Worse Than Hate, Indifference~

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I’m a lot of things, to a few I am even a man if not The Man, and those few times I look in the mirror or how I feel, I know it. Only humans can be so annoying, we can be loved and hated but what’s worse hmm? What’s Worse Than Hate, Indifference

Monday, February 19, 2018

Lesson 233 ~What’s Worse Than Hate, Indifference~

Twentieth Rule Madam Justice,

I Am Not Afraid Anymore though time has passed since I was fear itself; when I was in school my slogan was, the best thing to have is love, if not then be liked, at least be respected, barring that be invisible, and if all else fails, be feared. Another day, another school shooting, well a few days ago so maybe I shouldn’t knock hate, at least hatred makes sense or insanity but to just not matter, to cease to be, that’s indifference, that’s Hell.

“You don’t think I’m ordinary?”

“You couldn’t be ordinary if you tried.”

“Thank you. I don’t think there’s anything worse than being ordinary.” American Beauty

Now how can anyone hate words, but “interesting” I find lazy but “whatever,” is the worst just edging out “just kidding” because whatever to me eliminates an idea? Yes I know I’m guilty of using all three but the last time I used all of the above I still talk to the person daily, like, love, and hate can be the most exhausting things ever. What about silence, at work my first amendment rights are being curtailed and telling people that you honestly don’t care, hell I don’t talk to my family and vice versa, but again I am exhausted.

Hating though is one thing, to hate means you once cared, even if it was a Luke Skywalker moment of wanting to kill Kylo Ren, but once there is nothing left to love, hate, or fear, you’re capable of doing the most monstrous of things. Better to feel too much than too little isn’t that what they say and that’s also the problem, people trying to tell each other how to feel. When you do that to someone they feel as though they’re not understood and when they aren’t being heard then what is the point of speaking at all?

Another reason I put such value in words, for someone that hates most people, thank goodness, I do see the importance of communication, as in my dog, but solitude is also a blessing. Hate can destroy but I think it’s the moment that we cease to care, a time when a person is seen not as a human being or less than what they are, and they know speaking, crying, screaming won’t help they are made indifferent and notably dangerous.

“Can’t even shout.
Can’t even cry.
The Gentlemen are coming by.
Looking in windows,
knocking on doors…
They need to take seven
and they might take yours…
Can’t call to mom.
Can’t say a word.
You’re gonna die screaming,
but you won’t be heard.” Hush

So love if you can, like, respect, and if somebody chooses to be invisible, take it as a blessing, because the moment everything is lost including hate, there is but indifference, and the return of fear and goodness knows I hate, lust, I feel shame. What’s Worse Than Hate, Indifference

“If you ever loved me, don’t rob me of my hate. It’s all I have.” The Count of Monte Cristo

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 226 ~LOVE Is A Great Power~

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What’s more powerful than love, I can think of a few things but wouldn’t that mean I love them because I adore the idea of power, one day as Scarface put it “The World Is Yours” or how about Captain Planet “The Power Is Yours.” LOVE Is A Great Power.

Monday, February 12, 2018

Lesson 226 ~LOVE Is A Great Power~

Nineteenth Rule Madam Justice,

I Am Not Afraid Anymore because I understand more than most that “Power Is All That Matters” but that’s rule thirteen, and today love’s a form of power. Love can bring down God itself if people were to walk away entirely, so what chance do mere men have; better men than me have been brought down by this universal concept.

To this day I continue to quote from “The Eternal,” it’s a disease this thing called love, and I know how dangerous it can be; the real deal Madam Justice and the last time that happened for me, it was furry and walked on four legs. Thirteen years later, come tomorrow, and I am still a slave but as am I so he is too; don’t even get me started on women though, talk about no one man should have all that power. In today’s world, however, the mention of the word love though seems to have weakened, it no longer holds its sway, and this is just one more reason I am looking for more but what is greater.

“With great power comes great responsibility.” Peter Parker, Spider-Man (2002)

Now unlike let’s say 1984 I believe that power takes on many forms, many faces and love is just one more, a primal nature even before the word was born, this is merely the word used to define it. Some talk about love is magic; love is madness, love is master and king and makes fools of us all and while everyone else plays the fool? Well again I am not immune to it either but I acknowledge it for what it is, and I would control it rather than be at its mercy. Haven’t I learned love is not born our servant, we cannot master it, but there is more Madam Justice, I think?

“Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men.” John Emerich Edward Dalberg-Acton

Love is much the same, not that I would call all great men corruptable but what would you do in the name of love, the second circle of Hell is strangely the understanding that you were willing to do such things, for the power of “love” if even for a second. Dollars, revenge, life, but love, if you have a person’s heart, I think you should beware; I am not afraid anymore, truly because how many people love me now?

I love my dog, I love my mother, but how far is that love, how would I define it, is it my love or someone else’s that controls my destiny, LOVE Is A Great Power.

I Will Have No Fear