Tag: Day Job

Episode 029 ~A Sword Or Shovel, Decide~

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I suppose if my mouth is full of dirt I don’t have to make a more drastic decision but kings both require swords and shovels if no shields are available and don’t they say the pen is mightier but I’m digging my grave. “A Sword Or Shovel, Decide”

Monday, July 30, 2018

Episode 029 ~A Sword Or Shovel, Decide~

Forty-Third Rule Madam Justice

Give Me One Reason to, when they both do the same job, putting people in the ground; the metal is more or less the same and usually, those that wield them don’t have to care one way or the other Madam Justice. Indeed, sometimes those hands would be better off doing nothing, but in the end, we all have a choice to make and the fact that I’m still on my motivation kick what guides this decision, is it hope or fear, want or need, will this make me a better man or much worse.

“Those without swords can still die upon them. I fear neither death nor pain.” Eowyn

My “Father” is angry, he has been for as long as I can remember and he brags that I’m just like him, strangely enough, nobody knows I exist, probably because I was among his first victims. How many times am I reminded of Yoda’s words on fear and anger, my father uses rage to mask his fear, and I am much the same, and that fact alone is enough to tell me that I am on the wrong path. At the same time however it is always better to be the predator than the prey, I would choose my rage over fear, and here I am with a pen/keyboard so why would I even need a sword when my words are my Weapon of Choice.

“Chains have been forged into swords before now” Rameses, Yul Brynner The Ten Commandments 1956

Speaking of repeating myself, I have told you I will hurt myself before somebody else and I feel like the world is on my shoulders, and sometimes all you can do is stand, but I’m still falling into the muck and mire. I would like to believe in Karma meaning I’m only getting what I think I deserve or maybe that my enemies will do themselves in and all that I need to do is get digging *sigh* even in death I’m being drained of my precious Energy. How about this, if anything you know how I like getting dirty, sex and violence and while violence is far more acceptable This Is America after all I prefer sex, but people don’t dig that you know.

Today while unfortunate, I chose the sword because I don’t dig being laughed at, spit on, or cut down and at the same time I could always bury my head in the sand, make my name mud, and go all “Red Dawn” Wolverines. It’s unavoidable Madam Justice because you know what they say about idle hands; another reason I choose to write, the choice remains, A Sword Or Shovel, Decide.

“This is war. So rub some dirt on it and get your ass back in the fight.” Red Dawn 2012

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 024 ~Sack Up For Life~

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Please, don’t let this be an ending of my motivation; I swear I can give more, I know it doesn’t look like much of a sack, my computer, my words, my life, and where the hell did my balls go? “Sack Up For Life.”

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

Episode 024 ~Sack Up For Life~

Forgive Me Echo,
Give Me One Reason that my life should end up in a bag if anything I suppose it beats a box and I’m still Alive but what exactly am I living for when everything I am can fit in a sack. I’ve heard girls talk about their whole life is in their purse and not that I’m trying to be offensive against women… oh no not me though that brings to mind a whole other sack full of life I’m keeping full.

Unlike the sacks of potato chips and sandwiches I’ve subsisted off of the past few days, food is food, but again I ask the question as to why other than not actively trying to kill myself these days. Well, I am still getting up an hour early for these chats nowadays, I would say I’m standing up for myself at work while sitting down, yeah I might get fired any day now and if it isn’t my boss, where do I say my courage comes from again? Must I go all Yoda with the Fear and Anger but I feel my courage accompanies my rage and those that enrage me so, well I wouldn’t look like much of a man.

Why can’t I sack up when it counts Inspector Echo, I was supposed to go to the library today, but from the look of the time that’s not happening, I can’t grow a pair when it comes to my damn name and of course both of these attribute to not buying lunch today. Why not, because I don’t feel like I deserve it and that’s true, when I start making money when I prove that I can do something, anything, all I did today besides working the day job is hit the sack. As you can attest there are so many to choose from and as they say, think outside the box, I need to think outside the bag but again my whole life is in there except my dog, and he’s my reason, my why I should be doing anything, so why aren’t I?

When most people pack a bag it’s for a few days, but when I do it well I don’t expect to survive, I plan on getting sick, something happening to the car, that I’ll forget something that is crucial. May you forgive me Inspector Echo for choosing to live inside a bag than die in a box, for being offensive yet again and still not having any balls, for filling up everything but myself as I give everything else, I must Sack Up For Life.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 022 ~Things Could Always Be Worse~

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Things are getting better; things are getting better every day. Today wasn’t so bad, but I worry and why; when awful is the norm, but you see the light where the darkness ends it’s the sun, stars for wishes, a train. “Things Could Always Be Worse.”

Monday, July 23, 2018

Episode 022 ~Things Could Always Be Worse~

Forty-Second Rule Madam Justice

Give Me One Reason things could always be worse, from fighting so hard to have a voice and then not liking what you have to say, to deciding you’re going to stand up but having nothing to stand for, from getting up early and not accomplishing anything. I don’t mean with us Madam Justice; I could be enjoying an extra hour of sleep seeing as how the day job awaits but I’d Rather Be With You, do you feel special?

I could be worrying about a million things, but I’m here now, and the world doesn’t feel like it’s falling apart, last night, for example, was worse, customers, the bastard I work for, other employees, I can honestly appreciate changing one mind more than several. According to all of those motivational speeches, you have to believe that the future will be better than the past which I find accurate, so how about my concept that the world will end in the next five minutes, to think an apocalypse is better than now? How about the fact that I have no clue what the day job will bring, good thing I’m talking to you now because who knows the state I will come back in, Angry, Bothered, Confused, A, B, C.

I heard in a movie once that things are getting better every day, a simple idea but again motivational speaking, don’t say failure but “success in progress” instead of things getting worse hold on to what’s getting better. Start each day feeling grateful, and I am, I was able to eat a muffin and drink some water, my version of breakfast but it beats going in empty, we might finish this chat, and I get tomorrow off, meaning time to write. The sad thing is I’m still not sure even at this point would I count dead as worse, but there is plenty I want and considering I’m still Alive there’s time to want everything living or want nothing dying, that is a fair question.

Rule Forty-Two is all about being grateful to the moment knowing that things at least in my life find a way of crashing down so enjoy now but don’t be like Angel and gain that moment of perfect happiness because what happens then? At least it means I haven’t sold my soul to Satan yet… or my “father” didn’t destroy it all because we know Things Could Always Be Worse.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 021 ~Far Cry From Human~

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Why do I dream of dystopias and apocalypses, when every day it feels as though the world is ending and every week that I survive I start again only hoping to be better if at all possible but I Am me. “Far Cry From Human”

Sunday, July 15, 2018

Episode 021 ~Far Cry From Human~

To Will:
Give Me One Reason not to panic, because starting today it’s your turn and I’m all panicked out from yesterday, hell remember years ago at Target, that guy almost broke apart on the spot, and it could have been worse. Yes, the jobs can always be worse; Target was a few months, the next post he never went back after one day, the following, fired after three and what do we have now?

I digress, you might tell Inspector Echo all about it, but yesterday I was so sick thinking about what I would have to do that I nearly called out and I ended up putting tags on shoes, but I would like to think all the “motivation” I listened to is why you’re up. You do what you have to do until you can do what you want and like we tell the dog daily “make good decisions,” and the ball is in your court now and there was a time “Omni” wasn’t that bad. Today s brand new and there is always room to approve, I might have fucked it up some but can we Accentuate The Positive and yes you want “Fallout 4” and “Fallout 76” amongst other things, but you’ll have to do better than these Six Impossible Things and me:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
Failed, (Day 001 Again)
2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
Failed, Yard Needs Cutting, Missing Treats, Bath Time
3. I Will Tell Off “Zibby” If She Calls Me Out My Name (Liberal Arts)
Failed, (Have You Seen Her)
4. I Will Not Get Fired
Completed
5. I Will Post A Review For “The First Purge”
Completed
6. I Will Complete “Apocalypse Rush” (50,000 Words)
Completed

50% *sigh* but I completed the novel, and now you have to carry the torch, and no I don’t mean to burn it… you didn’t make the bed this morning but think of everything you have accomplished; you ate healthy to a degree, the dog’s gotten fresh air, his paper changed, etc. If you can handle the small things sooner or later you’ll make it to the big ones and yet you have to dive into the deep end to become a success is what they say. You feel like you’re not making an impact I know and yesterday despite having a good day minus the sickness I was still a coward, but this is your show, Six Impossible Things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
3. I Will Tell Off “Zibby” If She Calls Me Out My Name (Liberal Arts)
4. I Will Not Get Fired
5. I Will Post A Review For “Legacy of Succession” Anna Edwards
6. I Will Add 1,500 Words To “Apocalypse Rush” (54,000 Words)

The only one of those things beyond your control is Zibby, and here I was about to tell you not to worry, but you will so don’t worry about her, instead worry about where you’re going to put all your new games, giving your son his best life, and keeping yourself awake. This Is Your Life because I Am gone, and I want you to say I Am the proud owner of “Far Cry 5,” “Detroit: Become Human,” “Fallout 4” and more, I Am the father of a happy dog, I Am better than I was yesterday, Will you are a Far Cry From Human.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 020 ~To Defeat The Huns~

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People face many things throughout their day, but the worst one for me is people, and today I’ll have to do just that or not since I’ll have to check bathrooms and fitting rooms and it’s my business to make money. “To Defeat The Huns.”

Saturday, July 21, 2018

Episode 020 ~To Defeat The Huns~

Hey Lady Lu,

Give Me One Reason to face the Huns, and no mine name’s not Mulan, though I could certainly use her courage, training, and luck; how I ask Luck Be A Lady tonight or at least for six hours. I can’t say I’ve been one for gambling, horse racing maybe but I trust those animals more than a majority of HUMANITY, and I can give you one big reason for that Lady Lu.

… but the truth is that I dislike most men as much as I dislike women. If anything, I am an equal opportunity misanthropist.”
― Andrew Davidson, The Gargoyle (2008)

HUMILIATION Lady Lu is arguably my greatest fear, the foundation of my anxiety and you can’t call it irrational if it comes to pass as it did the last time I was assigned to “CLEAN” and I know it sounds STUPID. No it all comes down to looking so stupid, and you know how such a concept sets me off, believing, being, and saying; may God show mercy on the soul that calls me such or makes me feel it. Too bad I don’t believe in God right because I’m my own worst enemy *sigh* people have an imaginary friend they worry about but I can’t stand thinking or knowing how everyone looks at me.

HUNGER is one big motivation to face the humiliation, my dog has to eat, and if I split my paycheck by three (bills, blog, belly) last week, I made a whole five bucks and then the fact that I’m in the library nearly every day writing “trying to make something of myself. HULKING out because I lack discipline, or I’m so afraid as Yoda says, and when’s the last time I let my anger get the best of me, strange that I was ready to go off on somebody and now they’re nowhere around me. HURTING myself on the daily in one form because of everything but at least I’ve stopped popping myself with a rubber band as I was doing it so much I would more than likely decapitate my hand from my wrist.

HUMOR has not been a strong suit of mine, though being laughed at brings a HURRAH from everybody else; yes I know this is about me and I can’t help the fact that even now I want to call into work and HUSH for the rest of the day. Anything Lady Lu beats the idea of humiliation, and I’m in for a world of that and what will I do, so let’s get down to business To Defeat The Huns.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 019 ~No End Of Kindling~

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I Made It, added more fuel to the fire, one more book down and even an additional chapter and the feeling I have now… it doesn’t compare to the humiliation I’ll endure tomorrow. Honestly, I would rather have people read my novel. “No End Of Kindling”

Friday, July 20, 2018

Episode 019 ~No End Of Kindling~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Give Me One Reason to take a break, two words “The End,” that I was looking forward to today and I’ll get there or even worse “To Be Continued” either way it goes, it’s going to take more than 925 words, but as the song says there ain’t no rest for the wicked. I haven’t even gotten close to selecting a new book to read because mine is turning out to be so… that’s the thing I want to say no words, but there are too many.

Not now, nor have I ever been one for the burning of books, well except for mine, again it goes into my whole, hurting myself before I hurt others mentality, you too Lady Sophia, the reason I’m talking to you so early. It’s not procrastination; it’s the fact that the last words of my book should happen when I’m up and about, not lying in bed, people deserve me at my best… did you hear me right? Something that shall never see the light of day which is why I spend eight to ten hours locked up in the library, talk about something I love and then the only thing I want to do with my novel is set it alight to keep myself warm, beats the day job always.

Tomorrow I expect I’ll be writing about my humiliations rather than writing something that is humiliating, one more reason I have to bury myself in fiction because the truth hurts plenty and nobody wants to know about that. One more novel that took me a year to write and here we are Lady Sophia, about three weeks into this year and like any one of my fictional books is this looking any better, but for now, there are plenty of words left with no sign of The End. A good story brings its writer back to life or more to the point, makes a writer immortal and with the love of readers warms for many a black night, I believe.

When it comes to my work though; I know I shouldn’t be so negative, if it gives me money to burn, and that will be over all too soon but my novel or novels, how did I not know I was writing a series, and the ideas keep on coming to be honest. So when people are lighting those torches, looking for things to throw onto my pyre, at the end of the day, not that of the story, they’ll be No End of Kindling.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 014 ~Privacy Concerns Of Pride~

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Pride is energizing while humiliation is exhausting and I got more than a dose staring into all of those mirrors today or was it the panic attack; I haven’t known such fear since watching “stuff,” on my “father’s” computer. Privacy Concerns Of Pride.

Sunday, July 15, 2018

Episode 014 ~Privacy Concerns Of Pride~

To Will:
Give Me One Reason to feel PRIDE, and I have 38,990 words for it, I put my mind to it, and though I was a tiny bit late with each day I didn’t give up, I didn’t ever give up, but Saturday honestly sucked. How’s the start of your week, last week it was all about names and you couldn’t remember one girl’s name standing right in front of you, how about the Panic Attack you had reading about your responsibilities and bravo changing your schedule and leaving it on your boss’s desk.

I don’t mean to be such a dick and speaking of which today you have to do something about yours; over one hundred days made you hungry, a hunter, hardcore, and you toss it all away on some mom’s mammaries? Too Much Information TMI as the kids say but the thing is what I’m most proud of I believe is crap but I got it done even if nobody sees it but that’s what we do every day. The stuff you did today was all failures, “success in progress” and even if nobody sees this the fact has you put it out there for you, in hopes that you can be better like Six Impossible Things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
Failed (Day 001)
2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
Failed, Yard Needs Cutting, Punishments, Bath Time
3. I Will Visit The Library The Entire Week
Completed
4. I Will Complete 50% Of “Legacy of Succession” by Anna Edwards
Completed
5. I Will Post A Review For “The First Purge”
Failed
6. I Will Write For “Apocalypse Rush” Nine Thousand Words Minimum
(Total 24,400) Completed (38,990)

Knocks me down a peg or two, fifty percent is an F if I’ve ever seen one and at this rate 99 1/2 won’t do; you have to head straight to the top, you are not meant to be live like this, and it’s time, to be honest. Funny how humiliating it was to barge into other people’s business today, housekeeping and all, I remember how sick I was using the bathroom there, but the point has you put yourself out there all the time, your hopes, dreams, and beliefs. How about women, how much time do you have for that, if you can put one in her place that will be enough for this week, well no, in fact, I expect more from you as always Six Impossible Things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
3. I Will Tell Off “Zibby” If She Calls Me Out My Name (Liberal Arts)
4. I Will Not Get Fired
5. I Will Post A Review For “The First Purge”
6. I Will Complete “Apocalypse Rush” (50,000 Words)

I am proud of you Will that you survived today despite everything, you many consider today an act of cowardice, and I’m always saying have no fear, and you continue to believe it. As the song goes, “it seems to me that maybe, it pretty much all ways means no” and if your boss doesn’t hear so good well yell out as you did today, “Housekeeping” because it’s time you did that in your life despite Privacy Concerns Of Pride.

Do Your Worse Because I’m The Man Or I Hope…

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 013 ~Too Soon Brave Captain~

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Library closed earlier today, but that didn’t stop me, find a way, despite need doggies and girls that need a stern talking to which with my little speech and sad to say the MeToo movement; anyway I didn’t fail today… much. Too Soo Brave Captain

Saturday, July 14, 2018

Episode 013 ~Too Soon Brave Captain~

Hey Lady Lu,
Give Me One Reason to believe it’s possible, already the doubts are creeping in, but I am close, by the end of our conversation here counting my novel, there will be over two-thousand words that leaves three-thousand to go, and I’ve been doing so well. I don’t want you to be proud of me Lady Luna because then I will feel like I can rest. Considering I practiced “success in progress” sounds so much better than failure, I should get this done, find a way, start doing.

So I do not sound off with victory at the moment, there is so much to do and you know this week is going to start a significant slowdown, and it all starts with fear, what would I do if I wasn’t afraid. Truth be told I have practiced my speech for work a few times but you know how it is when you stand up to bullies, that’s pretty much how life has is these days, my high school lifestyle on repeat, beautiful girls giving me grief and hiding in the library. As those motivational speeches keep saying: has that become my new “Detroit Become Human” any way they say you have to find the answer to WHY so why don’t you tell me why I would have to say this, to some girl:

“Look my name is Will, not Willie, William, or Willy-Kins just Will, if anyone calls me Willie it better be because my dog has learned to speak English or you’re my girl and while you’re cute, you ain’t that cute. Like touching me, if you ain’t my dog, my girl or applying for the position don’t touch me, and you might need to drink “a nice tall glass of shut the fuck up.”
― Will

That would be me “burning the boats” because my novel should be my Plan A and if you want to be successful you can’t have an exit strategy, do or die and it’s sad don’t you think that if I walk out of here without having known success, whatever will I do at the house? There is a reason that I come here to work every single day; because I know that the writing will get done and I will make it despite everything and as far as the day job is concerned… as Randy Marsh would say isn’t this America; Too Soon Brave Captain.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 012 ~What’s On The Menu~

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When you want (BLANK) as badly as you want to breathe, it’s then you’ll have, I can put any word or series of words, success, food, going back to the house, but writing is my life, only more so, and writers have weird dreams. What’s On The Menu?

Friday, July 13, 2018

Episode 012 ~What’s On The Menu~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Give Me One Reason to keep writing when people are hungry; I did all my shopping yesterday and you know I’ve been tightening my belt, and with the dog… well, you know how he feels about me not eating as usual? Not eating, not sleeping though there was a Hell of a dream last night with the few hours that I did get and I like ribs as much as the next guy but they weren’t two hundred dollars’ worth of good, and there I go, hungry.

Hungry for success, this entire week has been about writing, now you know how I am about my novel writing but the fact is to get it done, whatever it takes, don’t give up, don’t ever give up, focus, discipline, all buzzwords but I’ve been at the library from open to nearly close. You know I wrote about two pages I believe on turkeys taking over the world, and I’m not even that much a fan of turkeys, I mean Thanksgiving is alright, but I’m much more of a ham man honestly. So I wish I could tell you I wanted to figure out what my barbecue dream meant but I’m grinding, I’m hustling with five thousand words a day, every day I’m here, no wonder I’m dreaming about food now, but I’m still lacking.

Maybe I’m dreaming about a day that I won’t have a budget, I felt pretty sad about losing the money in my dream but someday I want to be like freaking “Brewster’s Millions” because you know how much I like spending it; haven’t gotten my PS4 or Detroit Become Human yet. It could be something like “Okay” teaching me that BBQ recipe and I didn’t kill us both with it, strangely enough, I have more faith in my cooking than I have in my writing, at least it’s proven fit for human consumption. How about the fact that I usually see ribs and such on the grill and the whole plot of my book as of late is all about fire, should I mention the fact that I don’t know how to grill, never have.

Other than shopping the other day I burned some money when I didn’t want to go into work next week on and off day, and I even screwed up getting out of doing the “Clean” thing at work. Can I not just be proud of the fact that I have gotten so far in my novel although I know I want to burn it, only I would probably screw up writing menus too, but for tonight What’s On The Menu?

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 010 ~A Question Of Literacy~

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I can lose myself in a decent book, a hard class, or a pretty face, but while some I eventually come to understand the others well… let’s say all the fiction in the world isn’t helping me deal with liars. “A Question Of Literacy?”

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Episode 010 ~A Question Of Literacy~

Forgive Me Echo,
Give Me One Reason to keep going, discipline, character, fight, heart, I could go on and on as I listen to motivational speeches every day, I’m not ashamed of that. If you’re curious, I even had a self-help phase, along with a religious one. If it weren’t for reading, I probably would have taken my life years ago and while I still adamantly refuse to listen to audiobooks, Audible for example, those speeches, these books I read on Kindle… such is salvation.

I’ve said this before, but I can’t read people, not face to face anyway, I’ve only ever put down three books in my entire life, but I’m ready to write off the human race, or such as my novel dictates. Do you know why I took French in school Inspector Echo, because I wanted to learn the “language of love” as it were, and where did that get me; I failed that class in spectacular fashion. My “father” wanted me to take Spanish, what so he could call me STUPID in a whole other language; I’ve never been so fortunate to fail a class. However, the pain I read well.

You know what I haven’t been able to get off my mind, as always the day job and you know who, offers a strip tease for my dog and me, now that’s what I heard but translations as follows “I like you,” “I’m fucking with you” and finally “TROUBLE.” The things we choose to see, to listen, to hear, and to understand and I can’t understand a word like “Clean” at the day job, all I know is it scares me, it gives me such Anxiety. I have spent my life in books, both reading, and writing and it seems the question as to why I haven’t published one becomes quite clear, I might as well look at porn and Pinterest, like a male version of “The Handmaid’s Tale” maybe.

Don’t get me wrong a picture is not worth a thousand words, but if I write the only word I see is monster, and the same goes, for watching a pretty girl dancing, I need only look at myself in the mirror, and I have all the instructions I could ever need. So will you forgive me Inspector Echo for not thinking much of audiobooks, my course failures, for wanting to read some girl, my fear, my “success in progress” and for my somewhat sour mood, I’m tired, reading, writing such A Question Of Literacy?

I Will Have No Fear