Tag: Dead

Gospel 318 ~Got Braxton At Home~

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Not quite the Mother’s Day week I had envisioned though congratulations to all my friends with their new kids and grandkids. I remembered when I was a child and wanting to stop and get food, but McDonald’s doesn’t serve love. Got Braxton At Home

Saturday, May 15, 2021

Gospel 318 ~Got Braxton At Home~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now. Yes, that’s a want, and I’ve been dreaming far too much. What about making it aspirational?

I’m sorry, Lady Lu, I had been thinking about this meme the other day. It’s how you want McDonald’s, and your Mom says we have it at home. One more way, I’m such a little boy, even back in my twenties. I didn’t want to stop. I needed to get back to B and be okay. This week I’m not, and I’m sure you’ve seen that. Since Wednesday night, I’ve imagined what it would be like to simply explode. Why must I repeat myself… AHEM, I’m not suicidal, Lady Luna. Braxton would never allow it. That didn’t stop me while he breathed. It’s like on one side of the coin, I want nothing more than to be with him again. On the other, if something were to happen to me and I faced my son, how would he look at me. Does he forgive me? I’m an atheist, but I know Braxton found his eternal comfy spot… The Rainbow Bridge?

SPOILER ALERT if you haven’t seen Spontaneous (2020). It’s like the “Red Screen” scene between Mara and Dylan and how they were happy and then not. Or it could be like “Angel” when Fred asked Wesley, “why can’t I stay?” It’s 1408, Mike’s daughter’s ashes.
I return here every day, and sometimes I even forget that Braxton isn’t here, and I sit on the stairs. When I do remember, I run through all the emotions, Braxton’s fear, his wanting to come home, all of it. “Don’t you love me anymore?”

“Boom, Explosion!” The fucking ASM lit the fuse, and here I am 104 days, and I’m trying to put myself back together. I know I’m still sticking with the pop culture analogies. Can you blame me, Luna? For living in fiction when you see what has become of this reality? Now Lady Lu, am I, Mara or Dylan. You know who I want to be, but God is cruel, yep. Like Fred, I might wake up a “monster.” Um, I got two new OnlyFans, and I’m making room for “stuff and thangs.” Of course, I’m like Mike holding onto my son’s ashes in a box. There’s no mom, no wife, no lover to stop anywhere, and I want to go home. Got Braxton At Home.

104 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 311 ~What’s A Mom, B~

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Well, it’s Mother’s Day tomorrow. My Ma still has her two and two grandchildren… my sister’s been busy. She’s down one furry grandson as I wasn’t the best father, yet here I am asking. What’s A Mom, B

Saturday, May 8, 2021

Gospel 311 ~What’s A Mom, B~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but my Boy, my Braxton, he was an absolute genius. Are you serious? What’s a mom?

If this week hadn’t been absolute shit, I would have spent it answering that question. Mother’s Day is tomorrow; I have no semblance of a plan. Truth be told, I’ve been more focused on 100 days without my son, but yeah, the focus should be on moms; I know that. Again if I knew better, my conversation with Madam Justice would be all about Mom. Should I rewrite it? No, I’m lazy, which explains why I’m writing this so late, 6:00 AM. What my house is freezing and without B…

Well, I haven’t been hugged in what, 97 days? Of course, I could go and cut off the air, figure out a proper temperature. Hell, there is so much to do around here but hugging? Don’t worry, Lady Lu, I’m not going to get all Cotton Hill or even Hank talking about “women’s work.” Anybody can listen, right? I’ve been wondering does my Mom listen? Before I forget, a nice Christian girl reminded me that a Mom gives life. That above should trump everything, but what did I give Braxton. To be honest, Braxton’s dead.

I can’t stop saying that, you know, or to be more specific, I killed him.

That’s what you get when the fucking ASM takes away your peace at the Day Job. To be fair, I would only end up listening to “You Were Loved” by Whitney Houston. B III is loved, always and forever. Now stick with me here, but I’m about to compare Whitney to JFK so forgive me?

When somebody cares that you’re alive
When somebody trusts you with their life
That’s when you’ll know (huh)
That you have all you need ~ You Were Loved, Whitney Houston

“Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country,” John F. Kennedy

So back to my first question, what is a Mom? Braxton would know better having two, a grandmother and aunt.

“Mother is God in the eyes of a child.” Rose Da Silva – Silent Hill

“All I know is the child is my warrant, and if he is not the word of God, then God never spoke.” The Road (2009)

Is it “creepy” if I use the concepts of “Faith, Hope, and Love,” and I’m not getting married. Both my mother and son had those things. That goes without saying. I actually looked up the difference between Faith and Hope. And besides being good names for daughters. I’m still sticking with Katniss, Tris, and Ember, “Girls On Fire.” I’d like to believe my Ma still holds out hope for me. As for Love, well, THEY say God is Love, and you read Silent Hill’s words.

A question I don’t understand, but I promised B another Mom? What’s A Mom, B?

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 304 ~Will You Just B~

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I heard in a cartoon, cease becoming begin to be. I figured it was some fortune cookie wisdom, but then there’s the B I lost, my son. There’s my B minus life… that’s being generous. Ever seen my Six Impossible Things. Will You Just B, who’s that

Saturday, May 1, 2021

Gospel 304 ~Will You Just B~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I’ve been saying that for years. I’ve been dog-less for three months. 90 Days Lu

It’s official, B III and I have now been apart longer than ever. So I ask the question, yeah, will you just be? I don’t know who I am now. Lady Lu, I’m trying okay, like it was old times somehow yesterday, right. I dipped out of work, I dabbled in making a friend happy. Decisions, decisions, have never been my strong suit. Case and point… yes, I will never stop saying it, I killed Braxton. Trump has no idea what it means when he would say “die like a dog.” Speaking of which, I’m surprised I haven’t been fired from the Day Job yet. Talk about will you just be because those assholes think they have me all figured out. Why do zombies persist?

That’s a random question, for sure, Lady Luna. But it’s because nobody has figured them out. Sure Warm Bodies, World War Z, and I can probably name a show here or there that has an answer. My point is that they will continually return. With that, Will Bradford is dead. And you are dealing with somebody else now. Before you get all creeped out… well, not you Lady Lu but “Them,” Morgan Jones said this in Fear The Walking Dead. You know Morgan Jones is dead (Season 6×01). I won’t be what the fucking ASM wants. No way I refuse. I would settle for being the man I was with Braxton, although he was by no means a good one. Braxton would still be alive.

Should I be just like the son I lost? I eat the same meals every day, don’t I? I sleep way too much, but that’s because the man in the mirror won’t get off his lazy ass. I was way too hot. So I finally had to turn on the air conditioner. Now that means I’m cold, and now no B. I would rather cuddle B III than rest with all this hate in my heart. Can I even call it resting? Last night I didn’t eat dinner. I fell apart in the kitchen, yelling for Braxton. I came upstairs and climbed into bed and can’t tell you a thing about wrestling; I fell asleep.

Too busy becoming a sonless father. Will You Just B?

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 297 ~B Free Of Knowing~

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I wouldn’t give up knowing what it’s like to be a Daddy, with respect to those with two-legged children. I know who my enemies are… I can’t be in the dark about that. I know tons, but thinking hurts. Why did zombies eat brains? B Free Of Knowing

Saturday, April 24, 2021

Gospel 297 ~B Free Of Knowing~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now. Did I just win the lottery? I’d take them on discovering a way to reconstitute “pets.”

The word applies here, but I still hate saying it. Braxton was/is my son, my best friend, my brother, hell everything. Currently, as I’m speaking to you, Lady Lu, it’s Tuesday, April 20, 2021. Yes, I know, time-travel has its way of making it look like I don’t give Two Fux. Lady Lu, I’ll give you a quick recap, AHEM…

Fear The Walking Dead and Monday was exhausting. I did get two “valuable” hours. I didn’t get into it with the ASM. “L-I-V-I-N.” Now a truck unload is coming up this week that is still going on. My peace was shattered on day 73 of Braxton’s passing. I officially moved from Denial to Anger in “The Five Stages of Grief.” I only want to feel dead once again. Mad World

Monday helped. But if I could do day 74 over again? THEY say that you should never let anyone hold sway over your emotions as they hold power over you. Tell that to my bawled fist and a heart, broken out of love but good enough for hatred. BLM indeed. Braxton helped me survive the first year of the pandemic and without him from now on? Did you catch the news today or really any day? Again nothing would make me “happier, no “gladder” than to return to my cocoon, my crypt. A convincing denial I held to so long. At this rate, though I could be fired? Should I be thanking the ASM, or can I find my routine again? Minus the “Another Day.”

Is that what I want, to be a zombie? To choose hate because some asshole pushed me there, to stay in Denial always and forever? Right now, Braxton’s water bowl is full. I’m resting in bed. Feels better than sitting on the couch, heart pounding out of my chest, Anger. Lady Luna, you want me to talk about the future, and it ain’t looking too bright indeed. I worried about B III, I continue to do so. With a storm, I grab his “remains” and keep him close. Am I still at the Day Job, or did the meathead ASM decide to destroy what’s left? Should I do what all my motivations use to say and believe better? The best died. B Free of Knowing.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 046 ~Will, He Delivers Us~

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This is what happens when you watch too much stuff on President Numbnuts trying to destroy the postal service. Speaking of numbnuts, my SI: Swimsuit Edition came, and I’m not waiting for pretty clothes or prettier girls now. Will, He Delivers Us

Sunday, August 16, 2020

Gospel 046 ~Will, He Delivers Us~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I’ve only ever sent $1,500.00 in the mail ever. Now I wish I could admit that it was for a “good” cause. Yabbos give means to meaning. It’s why you got up this morning and smiled, checking the mailbox. Sports Illustrated (Swimsuit Edition). Sometime this afternoon, you will put $75.00 in your literal “spank bank.” Sex toys are “very expensive.” You’ll read some more from W. Anton this evening. Hell dude, you’re looking to buy “art” for Aerith Gainsborough and 2B.

Is Cupid one to deliver a paramour or porno? Either way, you’re not one to be out there, begging, “Please Mr. Postman.” For me, last week and the one before was waiting for a message that won’t come. So I’ll delete MILF Tres’s number, but her Yabbos… SIGH. Amazon is still on the ball, but they still work with USPS, right? You should look into not buying pretty clothes for girls that ain’t here yet. How about buying NieR: Automata or Final Fantasy VII? If only you weren’t on NO FAP? You have the porno NIER First Assembly and way too much on FFVII. The thing is you need to deliver a win in this life. Yes, I know that I messed up. For three days, I’ve been dreaming away. Even now, I’m still in bed, yelling at My Dæmon. But why, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 005 No Fap)
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
    Failed
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published
    Failed
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
    Failed
  5. I AM Going To Bed Before Midnight
    Failed
  6. I AM Finishing The Manual: What Women Want and How to Give It to Them by W. Anton
    Failed

Yes, only one point, the fact that you’re breathing, JSS (Just Survive Somehow). Jesus saves, or so THEY say. I haven’t believed that since GTA 2. Will you be delivered into the hands of the Devil this week? Ask the plethora of women you need not worry about pissing off. To have my way, I’d ask you to deliver a message to the universe. I wish I could give you a speech reminiscent of Independence Day (1996). How about something to the tune of The Matrix Reloaded (2003). All that comes to mind is the postal oath from The Postman (1997). Inspired by real-world events. Other than your life with everything that’s going on with the postal service these days. I even took a test to work for them once. No, wasn’t my idea, once upon a time. I failed, I think… Six Impossible Things?

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 005 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
  5. I AM Going To Bed Before Midnight
  6. I AM Finishing The Manual: What Women Want and How to Give It to Them by W. Anton

I ask you for your characters, your future love, and even yourself. Somehow, someway, today, tomorrow, Will, He Delivers Us?

“Neither snow nor rain, nor gloom of night,

through bandits hail, through firefight,

through flood and plague, we cannot fail,

no holnist trash can stop the mail.” The Postman (1997)

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 039 ~The Silent Normality, Willie~

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Maybe it’s the fact that we all wear masks nowadays, which I’m not opposed to. How about the fact that my new Resident Evil mask came today? There’s always the fact there’s too much noise in the world. The Silent Normality, Willie

Sunday, August 9, 2020

Gospel 039 ~The Silent Normality, Willie~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, but you’re still “normal.” If anything, you’re wondering how many times Grammarly is going to nail you for using that word. Hell, how many times will Hemingway ding you for using any speech that uses LY, right?

Now that in a roundabout sort of way brings you to today’s point. You wouldn’t be living if someone wasn’t telling you what to do. Yes, myself included, because I want to ask you to ignore us all. I wish I desire, I aspire to tell you this, but it would only be more noise. The Banality of Evil as the song plays. Because that’s what silence is, normal, hell Willie becomes. Do you know why you await the DEAD? They’re silent. I swear they are exactly like you, look at last night. Fapping away, what did you feel afterward… nothing? There you go, grunting in bed, which is only a step above walking into the Day Job. Everyone looking at you like you’re a beast, doing the same thing. It’s like something out of Land of the Dead, you’re pretending to be alive. One more reason you like it when it’s raining and living in this the time of Coronavirus. Still, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 034 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
    Failed
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published
    Failed
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
    Failed
  5. I AM Going To Bed Before Midnight
    Failed
  6. I AM Finishing Too Late, by Colleen Hoover
    Completed

Rule #2 states, “You Are Not A Caveman.” Despite what everyone thinks, there is nothing wrong with SILENCE. The problem lies with the fact that NORMAL sucks, and again those words are synonyms. You see, while you should be allowed to embrace the silence. I’m telling you to accept the normal, and that dear fellow cannot be tolerated. That’s what the Day Job is. I applaud us both for getting out of bed. You’re sitting here listening to Calmed by Nature like in some coffeehouse. Only you’re struggling, and it’s going to get worse. You started back reading that W. Anton book, which means you finished “Too Late.” Yay, you but reading for a day and it being something you’ve read before is normal. It’s one more word for dead. Speaking of which, the graveyard, which is Six Impossible Things.

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
  5. I AM Going To Bed Before Midnight
  6. I AM Finishing The Manual: What Women Want and How to Give It to Them by W. Anton

Now with books, what about the “good book.” They say meek shall inherit… Now I don’t like that, but anything at this point beats normal, silent, and dead. All anyone talks about now is going back to that status quo. Not you, though. You’ll stop being The Silent Normality, Willie.

“Hungry people eat lunch, humble people serve it.” Johnny Cage

Most Hated Words: (My Newspeak List)

  1. Stupid
  2. Skeevy
  3. Fear
  4. Anxiety
  5. Creepy
  6. Normal
  7. Merge
  8. Happy
  9. Family-Friendly
  10. Just Kidding
  11. Tease
  12. Freak
  13. Lazy
  14. Sucks

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 345 ~Dead Men Tell No Tales~

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No, I haven’t gone pirate, and “Grammarly” doesn’t count this as plagiarism, hell if it were I would pity that person and the world in general because there would be another me and I’m still alive. Dead Men Tell No Tales

Monday, June 11, 2018

Lesson 345 ~Dead Men Tell No Tales~

Thirty-Sixth Rule Madam Justice

Can You Love Me Again, I have gone back and forth on wanting an answer, not wanting an answer, looking for it and before the end, I guess I want to know, more like I need to know. What would some autopsy say about me, what about all the fans I dream about having, my dog knows so many secrets… and what does my blood understand about me that isn’t some party line of bullshit?

How many times do I have to tell myself to answer the question why am I a writer and here’s another one, because I don’t want any lies; sounds strange doesn’t it that a fiction writer doesn’t want to lie but fiction isn’t lying per se. If anything I assume that should scare people even more but through my novels well… no one will write real stories about who I am, and already there are plenty of files about what people think they know. It’s also a reason to stay alive; sometimes I think my dog is the only reason I stick around and besides wanting him to be happy, because God knows I would never pull a “Fry” you know Futurama, leaving him waiting.

You know how they say, and they all lived happily ever after but no one lives forever, and nobody ever talks about they died merrily; peacefully, gentle, surrounded by family and friends but not happily. Rage, Rage and you can stop right there with me because the light has already died and all that’s left is the fire if that makes any sense; I mean there’s no sun to see. A stupid new rule but “Where There’s Smoke, There’s Fire” and seeing how you know some men want to watch the world… maybe I want to see how it will be reborn but then I have to do something that I still hate, that’s survival.

History’s written by the survivors, I’m sure that’s a rule, or it’s another new one, but I’m sure I might have debunked it at some point, which leads me to another idea; I want people debating me, but I pray for the courage to stand and defend myself. Is this rule displaying a lack of faith in my words, even today I feel it might be a text that ends me, but I won’t worry, I won’t agonize, I won’t play dead until morning because Dead Men Tell No Tales.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 094 ~Whole Lot Of World~

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It all started with a hole in my shoe today but I can get new shoes, it’s words that are awfully expensive, just ask whoever makes gravestones; am I incapable of being positive? “Whole Lot Of World”, these days and I’m only seeing the ugly.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Lesson 094 ~Whole Lot Of World~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear, there is a whole lot of world, after all, that’s me being positive just so you know because I was thinking the lesson would be Hole In The World and that’s true as well. You know I figured I had discovered the meaning of life before, have I shared that with you… anyway since this is only a working idea for the moment, I think maybe the ‘purpose’ is to fill the holes, and there are just so many Luna.

In our own way we are all gravediggers and maybe to avoid that fate we seek lives worth remembrance, and in that we become immortal. Take myself as an example, I want to be a writer, can’t say I will ever be a good one but I want people to see my words, possibly hear them, I want them to feel those little gaps in our brain, hell I told somebody once, if there is such a thing as reincarnation, I would like to be a virus. Also, I can’t say I don’t find let’s say a “Hostel” concept to be somewhat intriguing my lady.

Today my eyes were sort of wonky and you know I had one of those weird thoughts I do, this time it was about going blind because I ate a pickle but that being said I figured if I ever did go blind just kill me. With my luck, some blind person will be offended but I thought of all the holes we have and how we are in a constant need to feel them, mouths with words, eyes with beauty, ears with voices. All of this can be done by one person, a hole in the heart perhaps, you start with one at a time isn’t that right, one person trying to get to the bottom of you perhaps.

I’m still trying to do that myself, how many times have I thought of myself as one of “The Walking Dead” and I just need to be exhumed sort of like “Warm Bodies”. There is some good news, I noticed I survived the days of Sapphire though I still feel ‘anxiety” when I hear something outside, today it was the garbage truck, not the police.

So what have I learned today, other than I should listen to something other than my own insecurities, that I should see something beautiful, other than hentai, as always I’m full of crap but there’s a Whole Lot Of World?

I Will Have No Fear

Working Stiff

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Working myself to the bone… more like working while I’m shaking in my bones; I don’t just hate going to work but I’m afraid to. Working Stiff… I couldn’t be one of those zombies even if I wanted to be but that doesn’t stop me from dying inside.

Working Stiff
Think
What a jiff

All I have to give
Stinks
Take a good whiff

That’s me trying to live
And yet I blink
My dreams are nixed

This is not it
Kool-Aid to drink
Then I’d be fixed

But I drift
The missing link
I just don’t fit

Read my lips
Better yet my ink
Working Stiff
What a jiff

Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 002 ~Past Lives~

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I think I might finally be ready to go all Fahrenheit 451 now, it wouldn’t be the first time and I’m certain it won’t be the last, I guess I learned nothing from Nero. I should be excellent at my own self-destruction “Past Lives” and all, so I think.

Monday, July 03, 2017

Lesson 002 ~Past Lives~

Hey Lu,
Sounding like old times, bad times, before “them” girls hell women of form and substance and those that weren’t… you remember my big sister and her words better words, probably another reason I come running back to you. Sticks and stones right but what about what I’m doing to myself, I’m still alive is probably the best I can come up with, more pain to cancel out the other pain.

I wish I could remember how my big sister put it, you know when I get like this, not eating, not drinking, I did have a chicken wing and some orange juice for my meds but that was more me trying to figure out what the hell happened with me physically. She would also talk about how you can’t build a strip club by a preschool, an ode to my writing and people’s damn sensibilities. Without a doubt I’m still in the wrong, much like that story she and I wrote together, doesn’t even have a name but it was fun, now that was being me being the bad guy.

You know I’ve been a worst one, I can’t even explain that old war I had with one woman, I would throw up again at the “sickness” of it. Now what sickness am I talking about, I have so many to choose from, I’ve been haunted by them and I’m still talking to you so we know it might not be going away anytime soon. For starters, when I freeze up and find myself in some hell of my own making, and I have to shake my head, hit something, do anything while the memories attempt to swallow me whole.

“For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.” Ephesians 6:12

Now don’t be alarmed Lady Lu, the church is the past but I remember, my curse to remember, even when I was busy destroying myself, again and again, I remember because what else am I going to make myself new? No never new, functional and I wish I could remember how long that took, how much I had to destroy.

What about what I can’t destroy like I said before some sins are just too great, things can be confessed, apologies can be issued but in the end, no that’s just it, there is no end. I mean unless you want me to say something scary and at this point, I want to avoid a scary idea, I want to avoid the obscene, I didn’t even apologize again, I did once and I will leave it at that, then again…

Leaving now that’s what I have been thinking about plenty today, women I’ve known for years or at least was friendly with for example one I invited to a movie night and she stopped talking to me. Another who I saw regularly but she has things to attend to, an excuse but I haven’t spoken to her and unless she gets in touch… What about the one that, well I was wrong, I can’t stress that enough but I’ll probably be avoiding her blog for a while because I don’t want to be that guy.

The guy I was, the guy I was becoming, but here’s the thing, once Second Circle Creations, yes I’ve looked back and said the name often, anyway if the (SCC) gets up and running I won’t have to hide. Christian Grey has all sorts of decorum but he also has money and power and as fictional as Fifty Shades of Grey would like to be, that’s how the world works. I’m losing whatever point I was trying to make and that’s good, I want to bury the man I was yesterday but why is that, why do I have to die so many times Luna?

Because the dead don’t feel anything, I don’t want to feel anything, that’s why I sleep all the time, that’s why I’ve been vomiting all day when I’ve barely touched a thing, that’s why I’m talking to you. I get it all out, that’s why my big sister was wrong, she thought I was empty but it was too much, there’s just too much and once I’m empty, once there is nothing left to contain I can build once again.

“I’m sorry mama
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to make you cry
But tonight I’m cleanin’ out my closet” Eminem – Cleanin’ Out My Closet (2001)

So do I continue to dwell on my past lives, the boy that did nothing but write and the moment he revealed himself… damn Angela in the sixth grade, what about the guy that nearly got kicked out of junior college over a girl, or the guy that nearly got fired, what about the guy yesterday? I keep saying, Luna, this could be a lot worse and if you asked me what I wanted to do right now I would have to lie to you but I never have before.

They say that history is written by the victors and while that is true enough, history is written by the survivors as well, all the wreckage, cataloged and filed away, and from that what do I become? Sometimes it’s not even worth the effort and if it wasn’t for Braxton sleeping at my feet who knows what I would do. That’s a present regret, that he knows something’s wrong and I won’t do anything to fix it, but I don’t know how to fix me.

“Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others. Past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.” Sonmi-451

This whole thing has been about what I’ve done in the past, confession, apology, destruction, renewal, repeat, my own circle. What about the man that has to continue, right now I’m angry but this just shows I’m not a psycho because I would rather destroy myself than hurt anyone else, do you think that’s the reason I pray for a zombie apocalypse because as I said the dead don’t feel. If I’m not entitled to one emotion and I have not yet reached emptiness which should I feel, lust takes a backseat to rage, anger, but I’m trying to have remorse, for these things said.

“I am entitled to my emotions. I can have them.” The Moment After 2: Awakening

I keep saying I’m sorry because I am because I have to be because there is nothing else that will be allowed, that can be accepted because I am who I am. Never changing though if I must leave with a lesson, if you can’t change yourself, then change the world, how many past lives did that take to learn?