Tag: Fear

Gospel 211 ~Say The Word Willie~

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What’s the good word? I’m serious, give me just one, but you know something, nevermind. I refuse to be “that guy,” so I simply don’t say anything but then again, here we are. Paranoia, Guilt, Anxiety, Depression, Say The Word Willie, mind if I search

Thursday, January 28, 2021

Gospel 211 ~Say The Word Willie~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I’m allowed to have a big mouth. Hell, this entire week has been a wake-up call that I have nothing, nothing, nothing, um, sorry Whitney. I would be much better off going and watching Whitney Wright Prom Night. There lies the problem Dirty Diana one of several. At the core lies the fact that I haven’t been fapping in… wow, has it been thirty days? I might be impressed with myself if I wasn’t so fucked up. No, my dear, not with drugs, alcohol, or even love. Words.

Shakespeare asked the question, “what’s in a name?” In this day and age, everything. I’ve gone from wanting to be as infamous as the Marquis De Sade one day to what exactly? Either some delusions of grandeur with my paranoia. Perhaps I’ve been right all along, sadly. Fuck, it’s not like I’m Pornhub or XVideos, and I’ve been hearing a lot about them lately. To be honest, I was upset that they wiped Pornhub clean. No, not like that. I had plenty of shit I wanted to take. XVideos ain’t any safer, to be sure, and I figured I’d made mistakes. Republican Tendencies, like the former President. Did I ever mention I have Russian ties or know something about Ukraine? Already you can pick out which words get you flagged. You can pick one to end you. What was mine?

It depends on how much I want you to hate me. As I said, I can pick a name, Whitney, Hannah, Alissa. Why not Tifa, Aerith, Judy, Panam. I guess you can tell where I’ve been spending my time. Not porn… well, not really, my collections and Youtube, oh yeah, Marz. Delete, Deletion, Recycle Bin, Erase, for fuck sake, I’ve been imagining destroying every device in the house. Well, short of the phone. Would that be enough? I only need to look at my library, both my writings and others. Didn’t I say I’m reading Succubus Lord 8? Once again, another week of not being sexy because I don’t feel it. I have a hard-on like you wouldn’t believe, so what would that make me? A pervert, a creep, I can think of much worse, you know why, Dirty Diana?

GUILT!!! With eyes wide open and what can I do now but keep breathing. It ain’t another day anymore. It’s Breathing. Say The Word Willie.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 210 ~Will To Break Free~

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I’m starting to sound like a broken record, but I am broken somewhat. Heart, mind, um, something else. You can take your pick. A contradiction that I feel like I’m breaking apart, and at the same time, I can’t be free of that idea. Will To Break Free

Wednesday, January 27, 2021

Gospel 210 ~Will To Break Free~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, sigh; if that were true, I wouldn’t be scared. Inspector Echo, I should have put these two things in my New Year’s Resolutions. One is to stop listening to old white men, um yeah. Two, I shouldn’t put myself in these situations. That same ole trope… Dammit, it’s been over a week. Like the last, all I want is to be sitting on the loveseat or lying in bed. Hell, most days, I’m only praying “not at the Day Job, anywhere but there.” Would it be any easier if it was in front of my son here? What happens to him?

He already lives with a Daddy that isn’t all there. Sure, as the song goes, I’m delirious, out of my mind. I suffer from Anxiety. I Hurt myself today because it’s a Mad World. Ok, how many more depressing songs do I require. Will any of them help with such paranoia. Inspector Echo I have created My Own Prison when it comes to the Day Job. You know I’ve always hated but now? I’ve talked about before how I keep looking at the doors. When the manager sent me to open them, I expected the Police. As the store gets calls… The drawer underneath my knives I keep closed. The things I can’t talk about, that I won’t. The last time I had a freak out with the cops, my “Father” kicked me out. I would have a choice at least here in the house because you know I can’t face it again. NEVER AGAIN!!!

I live by the clock. Again like a broken record, I tell you I hear “call on line 1,” and I set my watch. Wouldn’t it take cops less than an hour? How about a week. It could be the end of the month. Is this how Christians feel. Everything is made precious because of punishment? People have their drugs, alcohol, pick a vice; any vice. Of course, my two are sleeping, and I can’t talk about the other one ever. To be honest, Inspector Echo, I can barely notice, seeing as how I still fell asleep early this morning. Those breaths are free, and no others. Hard fought those.

Interestingly enough, the time I live in. The more I try to ignore old white guys, I find things like a “Terrible thing, to live in fear.” Thanks, Stephen King.

There’s innocent fear and guilty. Mine? Will To Break Free

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 209 ~ Will’s Yearly Eye Exam~

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I was never able to read Lord of the Files. There was this book, The Moonstone, that bored me to tears. I’ve only ever finished two books in the bible, John and Revelation. And now I can’t read my own future out of fear. “Will’s Yearly Eye Exam”

Tuesday, January 26, 2021

Gospel 209 ~ Will’s Yearly Eye Exam~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can afford the best of the best. Yet every day, as the song goes, “I’m So Thankful,” that love is a gift and not a prize. That’s especially true these days, as I look at you. I’ve never been one to worry about my health, you know, except for my eyesight, best feature. A yearly exam usually around August, but in the plague era, it was November. The things I’ve seen. That I’ve yet to see, that I shouldn’t have ever. But with you, my Dæmon, our other children. Again I’m forever grateful.

Even if it’s through my glasses. To think of what scares me now, I mean right now. It reminds me a bit of William and Jocelyn. He speaks to her as though she had died. I live by the words of yet another song. “It’s better to say too much. Than never to say what you need to say again.” One more reason I’m not as “witty” as I would like to be. “Now you get to watch her leave out the window. Guess that’s why they call it window pane.” The idea that I don’t want to get contacts, or I might never look outside my Study window again. Hell, I was out yesterday (Thursday, it’s now Friday), and I saw the cops. Yeah, that’s what I’m looking for now. Not admiring my first road trip to my friend’s wedding. The time I welcomed another friend. Our first family trip to Disney World… TRADITION!!!

I’m even scrapping some of my rules I usually keep because my eyes are tired. Only you need not worry. “I won’t go getting tired of you; I’m not getting tired.” I think I love my wife. No, I love my wife. I’ll always love you, and please, I’m trying not to break out into Whitney Houston. I don’t need to be thinking of the term “breakout” either, but if I had a million dollars. Well, I have over a billion, and I still have you, my family, everything in the world. But I’m always worried about leaving you, and not to death, a dream, some desire in the future. Here I am talking about it, though, because should Tuesday come, I want to spend all my time loving you.

Seeing you always, Only You, please. Will’s Yearly Eye Exam.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 208 ~Collective Madness Is Called Sanity~

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Monday; Thursday at the time of this writing, and I’m still scared to death. In a way, that makes me part of the majority. How many people have sped, hit a dog, who’s been inside a cell? Three separate incidents. “Collective Madness Is Called Sanity”

Monday, January 25, 2021

Gospel 208 ~Collective Madness Is Called Sanity~

Hundred And Seventy-Second Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I must be insane. Well, indeed, I am not the only one to believe in time-travel. So I can’t give myself too much credit. Only here we are on a Thursday, and I want to talk to you right now. Yeah, it’s more like I’m scared. Is it because I agree with everyone else about a particular subject? True enough, but I might be making myself sick over nothing. Either way, the guilt… Dare I say it’s real? How do THEY say, choosing between what you feel and what’s real, right?

PARANOIA! Madam Justice has taken the place of Depression, Anxiety, and, let’s say, any “Joy-Joy Feelings.” I’m the one who looked out the window earlier because I heard voices near my door. I’m lying here relishing the concept that if it gets “real,” who’ll witness? Dammit, don’t let them hurt my Dæmon. Who and for what? That’s why it won’t go away because I won’t face it. Wasn’t it Dale Carnegie who wrote about accepting the worse outcome? Yeah, I haven’t done that exceptionally well. I can’t, Madam Justice, never. Believing such a prospect is too much. Like when I got that speeding ticket and thought I would instead kill myself than tell my Old Man. There was the time I hit that dog… instead, the dog slammed my car door (again with speeding). Oh, my time in Juvenile Detention.

Everyone agrees that getting speeding tickets is wrong. Still, who would go out shopping for sleeping pills or would turn to rob their relatives. I embraced both, of course, and now I can get proper drugs. I have other methods available. I must be insane. However, I thought I was normal when I was driving and then, bam with that dog. I was a dog killer. Mom and daughter could have found my Olds; they could have called the cops. Only the dog lived but again with the memory of what I’d done that afternoon. While I sat in the day room in the detention center after my Olds begged for my release. I won’t do that again, Madam Justice. As much as I hate my “father,” I can’t do that. Yet I agree that what I’ve done or might have is madness, everyone says.

Living this way is crazy. The Paranoia won’t go away. Collective Madness Is Called Sanity

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 207 ~Hell With Instructions Will~

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The Bible is not an instruction manual, not like I read all of it. If women had booklets, men would still be messed up. I report stuff on Goodreads all the time because I’m annoyed but with what happened a week or so ago. Hell With Instructions Will.

Sunday, January 24, 2021

Gospel 207 ~Hell With Instructions Will~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I know you’re not angry. Well, you don’t really know how you are other than hot. The weather, “Down With The Sickness,” getting over your addiction. Whatever, dealer’s choice. Better yet, don’t. Making decisions isn’t your thing. Already you disagree. You should be enjoying your freedom while you have it. This last week, I kept telling myself that “agents of the state” don’t stick to any traditional timetable. Ah, tradition. It’s not like you are either as you’re writing from bed.

I had a choice, you have a choice, for all the good that would do. It would be different if you were a Trumptard, and Cops had you on film. Hell, you could make an anonymous call. It’s okay. But yes, you know how we as a people are punished with eyes wide open? As much as you don’t want to be reminded of the Day Job, well, name something you do at work? What is this Family Feud but you “snitch” on people, of course, after the fact, right? I’ve never caught someone straight-up shoplifting ever, but it doesn’t matter. Reporting at work. Dammit, I know you don’t want to. If you could make the world as so, you would never walk into the Day Job again. Even better, you would not be sitting in bed having a conversation with the man in the mirror. Uh, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 023 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 030) No Fap
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
    Failed
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Writing “Look A Thing Like Santa”
    Failed
  5. I AM Writing A Brand New TWD Guild Intro
    Failed
  6. I AM Finishing Reading Breasteses Why Men Love Breasts
    Completed

I continue to score 2 out of 6, so a 34 F. All the days I had, and all the days you might lose because well… If I were the praying type, um excuse me, I did pray for my Dæmon every day. Anyway, I should have fallen on my knees for you. But I crawled like a slug. Addiction! Well, I did watch The Belko Experiment. I “try” to play an episode of Into The Badlands too. As you can see, I’m still reading. All this last week has been about a feeling of normalcy. Yeah, “Normal” that’s should probably go on the most hated words list, I think. That’s the thing, though. Living in Hell is not NORMAL. How dare I right but tell me something. Right now, what you feel isn’t helping you with Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 030 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Writing “Look A Thing Like Santa”
  5. I AM Not Getting Arrested Ever Again EVER!!!
  6. I AM Finishing Reading Succubus Lord 7 by Eric Vall

Something has to change because you see now what doesn’t come with a booklet for real. Hell With Instructions Will?

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 206 ~Willing The Days Away~

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Facebook was closed for a minute. Well, more like I got logged off, and then I found out why. Seems like many places have been closing or under scrutiny. Now here I am, open book and all being driven crazy by paranoia. Willing The Days Away, hmm

Saturday, January 23, 2021

Gospel 206 ~Willing The Days Away~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but how many days have I given away to get here. As “The 13th Warrior” put it, “I have squandered my days with plans of many things.” Around this time last week, I had no idea the storm that I’d unleashed because I look at myself as a bad man, okay. I have my vices like anyone else, though one has been tempered somewhat with “events.” My usual anger, my fire has been snuffed by my depression. It’s like I’m drowning. Now that leads me to a third sin… I’m breathing.

That’s dark, and of course, you’re not Inspector Echo. I’m all into time-travel, not that it makes much difference nowadays. It’s not that I’m living in the present. The past is only full of regret and the future, to quote another movie “John Q” well “There’s only two ways out of here. Jail or dead.” Not the most appealing options, I must say Lady Luna. What are the chances, though, and in keeping with the movies “The Empire Strikes Back,” there’s this? “Never tell me the odds.” I would say I’m getting lazier… breathing’s difficult. Damn, it feels closer to impossible. You want to hear something really STUPID? It could all be for nothing. Every day I read up on other criminals, and I think about “All These Things That I’ve Done.” I opened my eyes, that’s it. My Lady, I opened my fucking eyes.

“Oh god, I’d rather you were blind” that’s from A Knight’s Tale or maybe my Dæmon. Okay, that’s mean, he would never wish me harm. Yet I’m hurting him by wishing it upon myself now. Living each day hoping that I will actually scare myself to death and find peace. It almost worked last night when Facebook was all wonky. Only this morning, I found out Facebook itself had been hacked and flooded with…I wish I could go back to free speech and all. In some ways, I believed it would be a closed fist that would be my end. Nope, I opened my eyes, and where did that land me? What am I doing every morning? I say I’m an open book with a mind to match, and what do I find waiting. My hands are, you guessed it, wide open, and then what?

I’m still free for now, only Willing The Days Away.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 204 ~Will Looks Past Tit~

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Usually, I don’t understand why I sleep so much… well, other than being a lazy ass. I never cherished every FREE breath, more like I was looking at boobs. Now the only legs I worry about are mine running. Wil Looks Past Tit, but not anyone else would

Thursday, January 21, 2021

Gospel 204 ~Will Looks Past Tit~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but would that be enough to buy a Presidential Pardon. Oh, right, we have the new guy whose wife I haven’t seen naked. Uh, a daughter I haven’t thought about while “choking the bishop’. Speaking of nocturnal emissions and music to my ears, I can’t say I’ve been doing much of either, well this week.

Now, sure, I spent twenty minutes “getting it up” to wake up. Still, I’m not in a “Love Me Sexy” mood. I’ve found the only thing that gets me going more than sex is fear. Of what, you may ask?

That I still cannot say but all this week, let’s say I found the motivation. Now I won’t lie to you, Dirty Diana, I’m a nice guy… Ha. I suppose it’s KARMA that I’ve sent women running. Hell, I’ve taken off myself plenty. Only now, it’s like I’m sprinting uncontrollably. You should see me at the Day Job, for example. Everyone disappeared for a bit, which is okay with me, usually. Anyway, with no one around, I expected any minute to see the boys in blue. I hear there’s someone on the phone, and I imagine it’s them making arrangements. I set my watch thinking like something out of Baker Street; Just one more “hour,” and then you’d be happy. I’m never happy, though. As much as I’m for PDQ, Dogging, and full-on Exhibition, it’s this (sigh) PARANOIA that is fucking me up. Can’t relax.

I can’t even talk to Indiana Gone about it… “she won’t love me anymore.” People have been talking about The Big Lie this week. In “The Road,” Viggo Mortensen spoke about “The Great Fear.” Yes, I know it’s a book, and that’s another thing, I’m reading Eric Vall’s “Succubus Lord 7.” Anyway, what will I call my crime? Something to the tune of The Mass Shame, an original title. How about V For Vendetta, The “Hmm-Hmm” Inconvenience. The first one is a movie, of course, and the second is my favorite but even using the real word reveals too much. Isn’t that saying something? I never had a problem coming up to the line, stepping towards the edge, staring into the abyss. I will bend the rules, even break them, but what happened last week…

Am I so desperate to be a wanted man? AM I!!! Will Looks Past Tit

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 203 ~We Will Go Home~

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Last week I had no idea I’d be here. It’s Sunday while I’m writing this but ask me what I wish. Come this time Wednesday, I’ll be right here. My furry Imp napping, finally posting this, with YouTube in the background. We Will Go Home, I believe.

Wednesday, January 20, 2021

Gospel 203 ~We Will Go Home~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but honest to God, I would give it all up to be right here. What in the grand ole U.S. of A? I haven’t forgotten that today is Inauguration Day. You’ll have to forgive me for being a selfish S.O.B., not new. How about time-travel, hmm? It’s still Sunday, so I have traveled now three days into the future. Why. That’s the thing I can’t tell you, I’m not STUPID. I also know the laws better than Trump. Ok, at least I have the decency to look them up, unlike some.

Now, did I really say that I would give up a billion dollars to be in bed? Well, at the moment, on the loveseat in my den, going crazy with worry. I swear Inspector Echo, I haven’t written this much in ages and why. You know I can never do good, so yeah, Great Fear. It’s a Fear that I can’t share even with you and the girls. I’ve talked to Madam Justice, Dear Future Wife, and now you, again on a Sunday. I’m sorry to say, writing, blogging, yeah, graffiti with punctuation, doesn’t feel much like home. A rush to judgment, um, ok, yep. I might as well be sitting inside a prison already. If I’m here come Wednesday, I’ll still be scared. When I got carted off to detention so many years ago, geez. To think that would be my life for who knows how long and then like that, I was free.

Call it scared straight, Echo? I think I even gave my life to God at one point, eww. Who was it that said, a man facing a noose will do whatever to save his neck? Now back with my Olds, ok beat anything I ever knew of the Heaven, Paradise. So many names and such. However, I’m going to Hell one way or another. If I wanted to do good, and I mean now, make the world a better place, I know what I should do. You see something, say something. Trump didn’t call the F.B.I. and Inspector; let’s say we know our countries well. I want to congratulate President Biden and Vice-President Harris. Yet come this time Wednesday, I want to be here, the country at war or not. I’d take Status Quo Freedom.

Detention, Studio, Olds, or Day Job. We Will Go Home

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 202 ~Sell You On Will~

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I always say that I’m an open book. Some books aren’t meant to be open, some things, I don’t know what, but you can’t ask people to stay afterward. For now, I’m free, and yet here I am. “Sell You On Will.”

Tuesday, January 19, 2021

Gospel 202 ~Sell You On Will~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I’m not in my nineties, and you’re much more than a P.Y.T. I take it. As a ton of songs goes, “You’re Beautiful.” Only today, I want to focus more on “that’s what makes you beautiful.” I CAN put my finger on it, My Love. However, as always, I tend to make everything about me. Hell, what keeps me sane half the time is “Your Eyes.” Will, I ever quit with the songs? If you help me forget. My Love today, hell this whole week, who knows but, I’m SCARED.

The smartest woman I know, I’ve told you before. You’ve got to have an answer. Of course, some things shut my mind up completely. Hell, the day I don’t want you will be that—pure Hell. Only, for now, I’m not in the mood… ok, a lie, but my fear, baby girl, it’s not ok. Say something, only I’ll never give up on you. God knows I’m silent most days. Perfect for cops. If only I could go a few minutes without thinking something so heinous. I haven’t even been able to sleep. Um, one more reason this has been a day, and who knows. Might sheets be the answer? Not those kinds I mean writing, reading, editing. What I wouldn’t give right now to walk into the study and put everything to the page. To have it out there and you tell me that I’m a good man, I’m yours, now and always love.

Sold my soul to the Devil, I fear. Baby girl, you’re the one I saw first, and yet there are things I will never escape. One way or another, I convinced you of me. You were a dream, and everything I thought I needed you gave me. Love’s a gift, not a prize… Aloe Blacc. Stay is a powerful word, and my Dæmon never need ask, neither have our other children. You’re the only human who has ever asked that of me. Now I ask it of you. Stay With Me, no matter what. Yet I would understand if you didn’t. Always and forever, please. Strength is something no one thinks I have, and maybe they’re right. It’s why I ask you to lend me yours though I don’t deserve it. Again you give anyway.

Maybe I’m free. I hope to Sell You On Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 201 ~Legs, Breasts, There’s Always Chicken~

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I said love hurts, and yeah, lust does as well, but it’s pretty fun too. Though, I’m not having any. In fact, I’m scared to death. Some people live to eat; others eat to live. I only write, and what else is there? Legs Breasts, There’s Always Chicken

Monday, January 18, 2021

Gospel 201 ~Legs, Breasts, There’s Always Chicken~

Hundred And Seventy-First Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so oh god, OH GOD, what have I done!!! Why did I not take this rule to heart? It was inspired by my son, my Dæmon. I should turn to Dale Carnegie’s How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. When’s the last time I felt so bad? Well, in “modern history?” I would say when I read something from the “Basic Bitch.” Before that getting called into the office at the Day Job. There was that time in junior college. What about my stint in juvenile hall? Trumptards are scared and running.

Not that I’m one of them. Hell, at times, I’m um worse, and I can’t even tell you how horrible. If anything, I’m hoping that I’m here with you to read this in a week. For the moment, I’m time traveling. You know what I said wakes me up every morning, but Fear, yeah, works. Now, as I state in rule #15, “I Take My Own Lumps.” It means I take the hit I don’t make excuses. If I’m guilty, so I am. The thing is, I don’t even know if I am. There’s a difference between thinking and actions, and no, I’m not trying to be all motivational now.

Okay, usually I save confessions for Inspector Echo, but she waits till Wednesday. How about other cops? Well, I’m a thief, for starters. You know all those artists I have yet to pay and the ones I have paid? Well, I found a place where I did a bit of an art heist, not all. Oh, you know I’ve been stealing pictures and videos ever since I discovered, um, the (H-Word). I blame Tenchi Muyo, but I gave my Olds computer a virus many years ago. Yeah, I couldn’t hide that, but I have lied about being a better man. Doesn’t that affect only me, hmm? Today, no, not with my Dæmon. I swore to always be here for him. It’s him and me until the end. It wouldn’t be a crime to leave him but committing one leaves me no choice for sure, Justice.

He likes eating, and I like… well as the song goes, I hear you singing, “I know what boys like I know what guys want.” Much ado about nothing, hopefully.

For release Madam Justice, I stumbled down the rabbit hole… Legs, Breasts, There’s Always Chicken.

I Will Have No Fear