Tag: Fear

Lesson 151 ~Just Another Red Shirt~

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Is it a job, is it a career, is it dream, all I know is, for the most part, it’s a place that I don’t want to be. I don’t have to be, but then again while I obviously don’t care for my own life, my son likes eating most days. “Just Another Red Shirt”

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Lesson 151 ~Just Another Red Shirt~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, though if I quit my job today, there would be plenty, of course, it didn’t matter when I was just another red shirt, I’ll give you a point if you get that reference though I don’t particularly feel funny today. There are plenty of places I can go on the subject of humiliation, sadly though I can’t go to HR and the unemployment line, I need this job, now more than ever but that doesn’t make it right does it?

I should probably save this for Lady Sophia, but I finished NaNoWriMo today and needless to say I will need to keep my day job now for now and it might also help if I get a decent night’s sleep. Remember Arby’s; there was pretty much no way to avoid the madness getting to me, the anger, sleep deprivation and here I am talking to you because I’ve been doing nothing but wasting my time. No, I don’t mean with you but with today, and right now I just feel so hallow you know, just give me a shovel and start digging because we know what’s going to happen with this novel now don’t we?

Anyway so I’m at work, and the general manager is just getting into me you know, I’m okay with being a fool, calling myself stupid but it utterly destroys me when other people do it you know. Worst is the fact that I decided to tell the truth… okay, not the whole truth then I would be fired but enough and what do I look like to you Inspector Echo, a fucking comedian. Yeah, where was that language when I honestly needed it today, but nobody wants the truth, we all want to believe, we all want just to hope.

Live For A Better Tomorrow, is the last chapter of my book, but didn’t somebody once say to write what you know and all I know is I know nothing which is something that I choose to apply to my day job and my dream. Both waste today without a doubt but at least tomorrow I’ll be humiliated yet again, and the other one will just be a disappoint truly.

So what am I asking forgiveness for, wasting so much time, being bereft of hope or just knowing right now I’m Just Another Red Shirt.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 149 ~Anger Is Better That Despair~

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All I know is I rather not be the victim, and I don’t believe that all anger is necessarily bad, or at least that’s what everyone attempts to convince themselves of, and it seems like such an angry world and why not Anger Is Better That Despair.

Monday, November 27, 2017

Lesson 149 ~Anger Is Better That Despair~

Eighth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, indeed for everything that I do out of fear, anger… perhaps it’s what makes me the most foolish, but I could live with nearly anything else but despair. When I first began writing again it was out of despair but what makes me keep writing is this great fire, and somedays I don’t care what stokes it honestly.

Despair would have set in if I quit my job today, anger is what got me back to the real work and the somewhat asinine hope that someday I will be rich enough, ready enough, real enough to end the humiliation, degradation, and possibly the perversion of my soul. Now, what is it I said about stoking the fire, trust me if I was only as angry as I was today, instead of being as horny as everything, even my own filthy little sex romp of a novel isn’t a substitute for actual porn. Shouldn’t that make me angry, I am my own worst enemy most days which just makes everything else set me off so damn easy, but shouldn’t we all be angry with everything in the world today.

There is a poem somewhere about how the world will meet its end in fire or ice and don’t count me as any true interpreter Madam Justice but shall we drown in boiling seas of blood, or freezing lakes of our tears since we are doing nothing. Anger at least makes you take action even if that action is the dumbest thing in your whole life, what has despair ever gotten me. A hangover from sleeping pills or vomiting my guts out for a few days, anger can make you must industrious, how many industries do some build on it.

People talk about self-defense, but somebody breaks into your house, there will be fear and anger, righteous or not doesn’t make any difference does it. Liquor feeds off both anger and despair which is why I don’t usually partake, no benefit honestly, as if something out of Furi Kuri/Fooly Cooly/FLCL as Mamimi says “I’ll overflow.”

Perhaps that is the lesson, I rather hurt others than hurt myself, or at least that’s why it is a rule as I am usually falling into depression. Does that make me a bad person; well, I haven’t killed anybody, my hands are clean, but Anger Is Better That Despair.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 144 ~Let’s Do The Math~

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How many days did he waste his money on tutoring, how much did it cost for me to fail miserably and take a final exam twice just do my school could get rid of me, not to mention being a college dropout, now that’s a story? Let’s Do The Math

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Lesson 144 ~Let’s Do The Math~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear but me plus you equals a ton of it but maybe I shouldn’t say you, just damn near anybody else and then my heart is stone, along with everything else and God help you if you’re a pretty girl. Math has never been my strong suit, which ain’t saying much, what about English or Psychology, before I even knew to call it Anxiety at all.

I’m not sure if I ever told you this story but my senior year of high school I was failing yet another Math class and my “father” put me in a tutoring, which of course didn’t help because I didn’t have the minimum basic skills to be human. I never talked to anybody, never got help, and the one time I did try to communicate with another person, let’s just say something else was rock hard. Too bad it wasn’t a headstone, yet another one of those times suicide seemed a viable option, and yeah I know I have no one to blame but myself because as far as he’s concerned, anxiety doesn’t exist honestly.

All I did was write down problems and when he found out he beat my ass, yelled at me and the tutors, and here I thought people were monsters but compared to him… so yes I learned how to talk to people to a certain extent. On the other hand, I won’t ever be promoted at work because I still lack the same skills I did as a teenager, thus I’m asking less money. How many girls numbers do I have, maybe two and I’m not sleeping with either of them so what is the point Inspector Echo, any purpose?

I waste money because I don’t think I’m ever good enough and don’t ask me how old I am and I’m still alone, well I got the dog so that’s one and a half occupants here. My whole damn life has been one 3/5’s Compromise… okay so I might have liked History and what do we learn from History, those that don’t learn from the past, so on, so forth.

How many times can I apologize for having anxiety an even if I went as high as a million at the end of the day it will always be there won’t it? So am I forgiven for living my life, surviving, wasting it because even one word scares the hell out of me, my “father” *sigh* Let’s Do The Math?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 142 ~Stop Crying Your Heart Out~

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Maybe if I was left with a few beers, sometimes as the song goes I wish it would rain, could I maybe go work out in the gym, how about having some woman in my bed, anything to stop talking about my feelings “Stop Crying Your Heart Out”

Monday, November 20, 2017

Lesson 142 ~Stop Crying Your Heart Out~

Seventh Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, but complaints, tears, frustrations, worries, and who am kidding there is fear, there is always fear, but the trick is that nobody is supposed to know it if anything that is not what a man is. As if I know what being a real man is right but on the other hand, there are plenty of days I don’t think I even have a heart at all really.

I get accused of a lot of wearing my heart on my sleeve and even today I could find plenty to cry about, how hard work was today (my boss said I look like Spike Lee) plus I’m just so tired, how this week is going to suck overall, or how about why I’m even bothering with NaNoWriMo. What about the situation I found myself in so many months ago; no question I wasn’t being a gentleman back then and I think I read somewhere that a gentleman must keep these feelings to himself. It hasn’t just been words either which has been ugly enough I think, but then again can I count my heart amongst some of those ha.

You don’t know how many times I wish I could just break down and cry or to actually pray for a miracle, should I start envying my dog and maybe I understand why some men make themselves out to be gods. Could you imagine God crying about something and you know this will lead to a Jesus discussion so let’s just drop it right now? That’s the thing though I should just drop it, drop everything that makes me, myself I guess and instead of crying, drown my sorrows, fake it till I make it, or whatever else people say.

So am I expected to lie forever… if other people can do it, and at least it would be something because you know I’m too quiet anyways isn’t that right. The thing is crying never solves anything now does is Madam Justice, I think even you would think less of me but truth be told can people’s opinion of me get any lower… still complaining?

I again find myself apologizing for just being me for I am truly guilty but it could be worse, it nearly has been worse but at the end of the day, I’m still alive so Stop Crying Your Heart Out.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 141 ~Relapse, I’m The Man~

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40 Days and 40 Nights yeah right but I know it’s not impossible, 41 maybe but let’s just focus surviving this new week, because it’s going to be a doozy. Relapse, I’m The Man, or I truly want to be, I want to get better, I need to

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Lesson 141 ~Relapse, I’m The Man~

To Will:
No Fear, that will come later, as will everything else and I know it is hard it is damn hard to find anything to take solace in, to be proud of and I know I’m not and I can’t ask you to be. If anything though I ask you to simply acknowledge that you are still here for a chance… hmm, could that be the secret of life?

Bane: Now’s not the time for fear. That comes later. ― The Dark Knight Rises

See Christians fuck up but because they are saved it doesn’t matter to them and you fuck up tons but you don’t have that safety net and while death is not in the cards for now, and crucifixion is an ugly way to go, the fact is you don’t need to be saved this minute. Don’t people in rehab talk about taking it one day at a time, maybe that’s all this place is, just one big rehab so that my soul is ready, yeah you’ll have to excuse me for the religious connotations. Every day is a lesson, I tend to repeat myself because I am the one voice that you need to hear, now isn’t that something but before you laugh, just imagine about what is going on this week, the task that now stands before you waiting.

King Ezekiel: We have come this far. Our first victory will allow our second. The second will deliver our third. ― from The Walking Dead

I was talking to Lady Lu the other day and I said the point was to endure, I have also recognized that I just don’t want to survive, and then there is hope, which must be admired for being so hard to kill, just like us. What was it that kept you going last night to the early morning, and for once I am honestly not trying to be dirty, talk about how many times we have relapsed on that front. I even think about that saying of today is the first day of the rest of your life, annoying if nothing else but is this not what we do, start over again and again.

“It’s the end of the world. Did you think it would be easy? I don’t expect you to win. I don’t even expect you to live. Only endure.” Teen Titans

Should I give you a goal or tell you what I know you must do because you will get your chance, not this week, no this week you will do as you have always done and when you see the other side, well that will be a conversation for another. If you must have a goal though if you fall short if you don’t make the grade… okay that might be enough YouTube for today but if and when you find you can’t make it just say to yourself the truth, Relapse, I’m The Man

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 137 ~Love A Bad Name~

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And you are again, you’ll have to forgive me, having forgotten myself some time ago how can I be expected to remember anyone else, well besides the dog at least. Love A Bad Name, really what’s in a name anyway?

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Lesson 137 ~Love A Bad Name~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, I know your name but more often than not, I have no clue who I am and so in a way it doesn’t matter who anybody else is I suppose. Isn’t that me being a philosopher rather than just saying, I got really bad anxiety and while I can remember in great detail while I hate a man, dude I can’t remember his name to save my life, which is fine since the humiliation makes me want to die anyway.

Recently it was the day job, and it seems like everything was conspiring against me to learn this new guy’s name, nametag always out of view, too much noise, and “hey you” isn’t polite, is it. It always gets worse, I’m sure I once talked about how everyone called me Mr. Willie for years until I went on a rant to HR, not one of my finer moments. You need another example, I didn’t know my grandmother’s name was Marie forever, so people would call asking for her and I’d tell them they had the wrong number in her own place I mean just seriously.

Now if you want to talk about all the things that I have been called over the years… even with all that I still hate my given name, *ahem* Lesson 056 ~Respect/Respeck On My Name~ but you know I am a man of contradiction. If I can’t correct somebody on my own name how the hell am I supposed to remember theirs, not that I intend to be friends even at work, my motto is, if you want something done right, do it yourself. Speaking of which I’m still meaning to go on that rant at one of the meetings but strangely enough, I need a few big names there to have the right zing.

I at least was going to say I was never a bully but there was this guy I hated as a kid and this lady asked me who I was talking to and I said, “not much” as I scoffed at him, yes Inspector Echo remind me to pick up a copy of “How to Win Friends and Influence People” Here’s another thing, the fact that one can think themselves so ugly that they seek infamy to be known for something other than their face?

I am sorry that names seem to escape me, as the song goes, “I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name” or I’ve been at the house with a dog and no cares. You know that’s going to end come Black Friday, so aren’t we all sorry because with so many new people, Love A Bad Name.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 135 ~It’s Worthy Of Your Soul~

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How much is my soul worth, do I still have one available at all, am I too busy worrying about this life and what about the next… if I was a man of faith. It’s Worthy Of Your Soul, I don’t know what “it” is or where to find it, a tall order.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Lesson 135 ~It’s Worthy Of Your Soul~

Sixth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear but the idea that I may not find whatever it is I’m searching for; can I give you thoughts or suggestions, sure but what do I feel? Sometimes, just like my heart, I don’t think I have a soul and if the Devil wanted it and I could name my price… well hmm?

To quote The Darkness “I believe in a thing called love” but I think even Faust made such a mistake am I right; I’m not even sure I believe in such a thing as soulmates, though I would like to. What about writing… the fact that I’m still holding back, with exception to my novel but with our conversations I still can’t just be me but then again what am I protecting, could it be a soul. Vengeance, of course, would seem to suggest that I don’t have a soul at all, thus how could I sell my soul for such satisfaction and we remember that rule do we not?

I actually wrote out a contract to Satan… don’t know how old I was but the only thing that stopped me was I abhor “my” bloodshed but trust me if it would work that would be another thing like having a button that could just end everything. There was also a time in my life where I believed the meaning of life was a song “seek out a kingdom worthy of your soul” but why seek something that I could create right? How about this, being the greedy son of a bitch I am, wanting well everything I suppose it’s up to me to decide what is worthy isn’t it?

I would never say that about my job but what wouldn’t I give for the little dog sleeping at my feet this moment. The fact that I went out for 5-hour ENERGY shots and Powerade, shows how much my writing means to me. The question is, what is a soul compared to a life, compared to a heart, or anything else in this world truly.

That’s the lesson though, the catch, maybe nothing is worthy and it’s our job to make it so that when we look back on all we have sacrificed we can see it as such. As a dominant wants a submissive, a writer and his story, I need to create, know, It’s Worthy Of Your Soul.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 134 ~Can You Count, Suckers~

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Should I count on you or should I look as if you owe me, owe the future wife, perhaps the man I want to be, the somebody I believe will actually care about my novel only 12,700 of 50,000 *sigh*. Can You Count, Suckers, because I really don’t want to.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Lesson 134 ~Can You Count, Suckers~

To Will:
No Fear, even though that sounded kind of dirty, but let’s focus on some accomplishments such as the fact that you actually have the entire, “Sick Fux” playlist on your phone. Already it’s going to be one of those days but you’re fifteen days into you know what and I know it’s only getting harder, really damn literally.

Think about your book today, didn’t I say be positive but you’re still so far behind but you only need 2,164 words per day to finish on time. You have now 120,000 words just collecting dust so making it to 50,000 words in a month shouldn’t be any big deal… yeah, I don’t buy that myself, using the words I believe in you and such. If anything you’re a realist and you know time is your enemy because sooner or later, everything is just going to come crashing down and I don’t want you thinking exit strategy anytime soon Will.

I know it sucks knowing that other people need you, what about the dog, and letting yourself down always hurts, though we can’t figure out why yet. No scratch that, you talk about being made into a monster but sometimes you are your own victim, case and point all of our conversations right? How about the people you haven’t even met, you should probably make a list of everyone who is going to owe you a favor but then again everyone isn’t you, how grateful are you for that tidbit?

Counting up would be “Hoes” while fun does not add to your final word total as of yet; counting money as well is just depressing, it’s like you’ve taken a trip back to Math class, English is hard too, and Sex-Ed class… off the table. There is only you and your writing, nothing more and nothing less because I’m counting on you, just as next week you’ll be counting on whoever you’ve become by then.

Hopefully, he’ll be a few words richer, a week’s worth stronger, possibly finishing reading another novel, feels like Mt. Everest and what is the payoff other than saying you were able to pull it off. I should have gotten this out of my system with Dirty Diana and Lady Sophia but I’m counting on you, time to be the man.

Way past time is always the lesson but if you really want to get up off your ass well ask yourself Can You Count, Suckers?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 130 ~Heat Of The Moment~

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What’s hot enough… the next time I fall so far it better be worth the trip to Hell, worth my damnation to be sure, but I can’t stand the heat, well not then anyway but what about now. Heat Of The Moment, is it hot in here or is it just… oh?

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Lesson 130 ~Heat Of The Moment~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear because I believe I have told the story of November 5th a few times… *sigh* ok if I must sum up, this dirty old “PERV” fell for a young eighteen-year-old, “Senseless” and I wrote her one poem and put some Twilight quote I believe on her windshield. Needless to say, history repeated itself and I nearly got fired; haven’t you always wondered why they call it getting fired at all.

I read somewhere that they would burn a person’s home when they wanted them to leave the village, sort of like “The Leftovers” I suppose, When that happened that man was trying to be some sort of psychic and here I was masquerading as a man with a Lolita complex… she is legal thankfully, not that it helped my case any. One of these days Inspector Echo we are going to discuss that but let’s focus on a definition of let’s say going to Hell.

Hell is sitting in an office, having your sins in black and white laid out before you and wondering why it’s taking so long to go all Fahrenheit 451. It’s being so hot for a person one minute and then the fires… I don’t know how to explain it but it’s already a rule “Anger Burns Hotter Than Lust”. Inspector Echo, Hell is doing your best impression of Nero as you watch your “empire” burn all around you and what can you do but sit back and fiddle, is that what he was doing, trying to take his mind off everything that was happening then?

People then wonder why I’m so cold, because it’s a disease this thing called love, and I know how dangerous it can be, as it was said in “The Immortal”. Now I was never in love with her, people talk about a certain type of culture nowadays but honestly, I understand why I don’t go to strip club… other than my anxiety, I hate the tease, and porn is free.

Now you want to know am I sorry for what I did, not a day goes by that I don’t feel regret, and I have wrong a lot of women with my inaction, my shyness, my fear, and that makes me a monster. So yes I am sorry but you know Heat Of The Moment.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 128 ~Love Is Worth Dying For~

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Even if I’m not worthy of it I can still do such a thing, which is possibly the worst thing that I can do, of course, I’m talking about love and I might as well start digging right now. Love Is Worth Dying For, how many women have left me breathless

Monday, November 6, 2017

Lesson 128 ~Love Is Worth Dying For~

Fifth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear when love is all you need, talk about wanting a lie to become the truth if enough people believe it. Hate is easy enough to find, it starts from within but love, hell again I would like to believe love is everywhere but it’s in invisible, like air.

Love is also way more exhausting, I love my dog, so I have a day job, I love myself and so I write but also I hate plenty so both love and hate lead me to the same place. As you can already tell, I’m not the right person to talk about love, as a matter of fact, I doubt there is a right “person” at all, or if so I haven’t found her yet. I probably really would die if I ever did because while a person is supposed to love who you are, we want to be better.

If anything love is the ultimate fuck off to self because when you love it can’t be about you, everything you are becomes about someone else, you are indeed prepared to die but that someone that something has to be prepared to do the same, no even greater and so you rise as well. That’s something that “grinds my gears” as Peter Griffin would say, people who just love everything and whatever it is they love isn’t giving anything back to them to be sure. Is it strange that I consider Love a holy word, a magic word, a word not to be taken likely because when I love, I give all of myself and nobody ever taught me such a thing, and just to be clear I don’t even love myself, I’m still alive?

I’m still alive because of my hate, my wrath has no bounds, and nobody has ever wanted my love, because what could that possibly mean to them? The one thing on this Earth I truly love is incapable of ever saying the word and he doesn’t ever have to really.

So I will wait because I don’t know what else I can do don’t you “love” how I keep going back to songs; I can’t go looking for love… okay, I swear I’ll stop now with the music. I do believe though, just as much as I hate this next breath, I’d love to believe Love Is Worth Dying For.

I Will Have No Fear