Tag: Fear

Lesson 183 ~Time To Work Sparky~

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At the closing of the year *sigh* I’m exhausted, and I will be, but maybe this year I will try something different, perhaps this year I will live instead of just surviving, no more usual. “Time To Work Sparky.”

Sunday, December 31, 2017

Lesson 183 ~Time To Work Sparky~

“We are the spark, that will light the fire that’ll burn the First Order down.” Star Wars: The Last Jedi

To Will:
No Fear and we’ll start here and end here only to begin again; to be honest fireworks scare me and let that be the last deep dark secret I share with you because you will be a much braver man. Perhaps today is a day for grand declarations and if I have to think of one for you, Will you won’t just be a man you’ll be the man, and you’re doing great.

Do you even remember how you spent last New Year’s Eve because I don’t, but already, you’ll be out amongst people, you’ll have a friend that has two legs and while you’ll be exhausted tomorrow morning as the kids say nowadays, YOLO? I know it doesn’t sound as exciting as watching religious propaganda… what some of those movies are awesome, yet another secret but anyway that was a good night, and there is no reason not to think the best of this one. Speaking of which I don’t expect you to get over fear in one night, we’re talking decades but again, today is the first day of the rest of your life, just yours.

“I don’t know where I’m going
But I sure know where I’ve been
Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday

And I’ve made up my mind,
I ain’t wasting no more time” ― Whitesnake

There are too many statements that all contradict each other, maybe we should stick with the words of Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again” because this is what you’ll have to do. I want you to feel the fear, don’t knock it, fear, anger, hate, yes I sound like Star Wars which just goes to show, don’t forget who you are and who you will become. Just like hope, kindness, and love, there is a balance to grow, which brings me back full circle my friend.

“The opposite of war isn’t peace, its creation” ― RENT

You won’t just be the spark, I want you to be a freaking infection, pain, a virus; I want you to go off, to explode, and from the craters that you create from yourself for once. I want you to build, be the angry man and give them a reason to look down on you. Yeah, let them see because just when they think they’ve won yet again, you’ll blind them with your bright future.
Yes, you just won’t be a firework, you just won’t be a spark, not just the tip of the sword, this is going to be your year. Okay, how many times have I said this and it is my wish that you will never have to repeat it now go on Time To Work Sparky.

I Will Have No Fear, Have A Happy New Year

Lesson 182 ~Yearly Revolution, Evolution, Resolutions~

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Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve, and on Monday I will yet again be reborn, but will I still be in the same place, if I can’t get out of bed for one night, how best to do what I should be doing for the new year? “Yearly Revolution, Evolution, Resolutions

Saturday, December 30, 2017

Lesson 182 ~Yearly Revolution, Evolution, Resolutions~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, if I could but leave it in the past, the end of this year, I don’t know whether to be glad, sad, feel bad, excuse the rhymes but that is yet one more thing that has not changed. It’s like the eye doctor always asks, better, worse, or about the same, and I’m pleased if things remain but I shouldn’t.

1. See Braxton through another year
2. Write 400 words on workdays (Goal 120,000)
3. Write 5000 words on off days (Goal 120,000)
4. Sleep with a different girl a month (and, or) have a girlfriend
5. Buy a cookbook
6. Participate in NaNoWriMo (novel in a month) 50,000 words
7. Finish repairs (Back Fence, Refrigerator Light, Car, etc.)
8. Publish a poetry book
9. Collect more than 4,000 dollars in 52 Week Money challenge
10. Read for an hour and a half every day

Last year’s list of resolutions, high hopes but Braxton is alive, and I hope happy, I didn’t write 400 words a day until we began talking again but I have finished my 120,000-word novel “Some Assembly Required” that’s still a working title of course. This whole year I haven’t slept with one girl, and though I could have had one, I didn’t take the opportunity or speaking of which buy a cookbook either. I did complete NaNoWriMo “The Keys To Life” working title, I got a new car and did minor household stuff, no book of poetry, barely over 2,000 dollars, and reading… my lowest score in a reading challenge with 26 books so no.

2018 Resolutions:
1. See Braxton through another year
2. Continue to write my blog, at least 400 words daily and gain a profit
3. Complete one novel without NaNoWriMo
4. Sleep with a different girl a month (and, or) have a girlfriend/submissive
5. Read over 25 books one being a cookbook
6. Participate in NaNoWriMo (a novel in a month) 50,000 words
7. Finish all repairs (Back Fence, Refrigerator Light, Car, etc.)
8. Publish two books, poetry and novel
9. Collect more than 4,000 dollars in 52 Week Money challenge
10. Read for an hour and a half every day

Does it look like I’m even attempting to evolve, to rebel, of course, Braxton always comes first, and I bought everything I needed for a blog in September didn’t I and if I call myself a writer, shouldn’t I be going to work on that? I have to get out of this house and start hitting Books-A-Million, Starbucks, the library again, maybe even try Target because of Indiana Gone put it “bitches love Target”; and I should have a girl before November. I know I have skills, hell I built a coffee table, wrote a book, and if I publish I should have money and time honestly am I right?

What happened to me Lady Luna, where is the impossible, immoral, illegal, and insane, Tony Montana, of course, has it right, you have to work, you have to make money. As the song goes it’s a Bittersweet Symphony, and I can change, but then I look at this year. Now that should be the most significant fear, that I will still be sitting here, same as I was last year, fighting a stomachache, hiding in the house, with too much to read and not enough to write but another excuse, a wish, and some dream.

So what have I learned today, to be me and then not so, other than Braxton’s life, make my life so I just might need new Yearly Revolution, Evolution, Resolutions?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 177 ~ Medicate for Your Protection, Yours~

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I remember when I gained a pretty good drug connection thanks to my “Olds,” and I didn’t appreciate it back then, now “good” drugs are kinda expensive but to be fair, I wouldn’t be medicating for the right reasons. Medicate for Your Protection, Yours

Monday, December 25, 2017

Lesson 177 ~ Medicate for Your Protection, Yours~

Twelfth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, this isn’t the twelve days of Christmas for if it were, I would find myself locked in an insane asylum but then again here I am talking to you. Strange that the traditional white room is for everyone else but the blank white page is for me, and this is what I mean by medication for me.

Medication, Meditation, Meditation, sometimes they have been choices and others times forces beyond my control, I still remember I would dance when I would flush the meds my “father” would give me. Okay so this isn’t sounding so much about Christmas, but the truth has always been a gift, and like life itself sometimes I wish I could return it, get a refund, read the reviews of what other people have thought about it. Other people, anytime I have tried to kill myself it has been all for other people, and that’s the lesson, my life, health, and death have always been for those people.

When I was on medication, even to this day it’s not been me I’m ever worried about, I hurt, I suffer, and when I am getting well it’s to make them fill better and not me. Maybe that’s why I’ve stopped with the meds; I told Indiana Gone that I would fill so angry afterward because those pills were making me not be me. I could tell you about some chemical or something, but people did the damage, and then they expect me to find the cure, and even my death would just make their lives better, or maybe it’s like how they talk of suicide I might hurt them.

Maybe I don’t need a cure; perhaps they are the symptom of a sick, sad world, suppose I am the cure, but I give myself too much credit don’t I Madam Justice? Tomorrow things will go back to normal, and again I will be stuck with the truth, I’ll have me, just one day and didn’t I say last night that I need to have faith that ‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right!’ as Bob Marley believed right?

Speaking of music though I won’t belt out love is the answer or even a problem a few funerals won’t solve. The point is if I want to get high if I want to fix whatever’s broken, if I want to be well, it shouldn’t be for anyone else… now, Medicate for Your Protection, Yours.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 175 ~Good Morning, Evening, Goodnight~

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No Eve on Christmas Eve so I suppose I only have myself to blame and yet more presents to buy than ever, even with free therapy sessions and that’s “good” right, more friends, more writing, more hope maybe. Good Morning, Evening, Goodnight.

Saturday, December 23, 2017

Lesson 175 ~Good Morning, Evening, Goodnight~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, I’m still not one for Etymology, but if there were a few words, I want to focus on today how about “good,” “Christmas” in particular “Eve” to be honest. How about depression, sorry if that’s my mood as of late, but I’m looking for a quick explanation rather than a manifesto or another full-blown novel, so yes no fear today.

Not like this morning; last night I had a nightmare that’s been echoing in my brain all day, something about me and one of my ex-bosses and going after them… hell, most days I spend my afternoons and evenings trying to forget. Was it a dream, some part reality, I’m sure I wasn’t in the office with Morris Chestnut telling me that my anger was going to get me into trouble. As much as I HATE my job, I still need it, and I’m working on Christmas Eve, only Christmas Eve the whole week which scares me, no fear, I keep forgetting, but I’m always awaiting the bad news truthfully.

What about good, mornings are never, afternoons, evenings, nights, all just spaces of time that are anything but “good,” most often “bad” but what do I classify as “good”? As far as Christmas, every year is even less Christmas than the last, any cookies, movies, music that I tuned out a long time ago, again a space of time that if anything makes me sad. What about Eve, a woman tempted who brought about the dark, no I’m not a theologian either, and I’m too lazy to look up the nuances of the word eve and speaking of lazy what about gifts… I make one lousy friend don’t you think?

Is there such a thing as a “good” patient though, with my depression you should be making a ton Lady Lu, and I will get to pay you to once everything is “good.” Now that is a word I need to define, how about joyful, happy, and then, of course, there is love which brings us back to “it’s the most “wonderful” time of the year” or maybe not, perhaps once upon a time right?

Back when I thought of myself as “good,” again when a sentiment such as good morning wasn’t a lie; when Christmas and or Eve was a time to be alive and not just another day before Good Morning, Evening, Goodnight.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 170 ~Live Life According to You~

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If the law scares me why am I my own worst enemy having to create my own, how about if I break a rule which I seem to do every single day, and yet I continue to write more when I can’t even follow number one? Live Life According to You

Monday, December 18, 2017

Lesson 170 ~Live Life According to You~

Eleventh Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear isn’t that what you came for, my rules, things I’m learning to honestly live my life and not just survive it because that’s just it isn’t it. I survive according to me, but if we can call any of this living, I live according to other people’s expectations.

For a few days, I’ve felt this nagging suspicion, somehow I might find myself fired, and why is that I ask you because I wear hoodies, I’m quiet because I’m not like other people and why ever do they think I hate them so? The scary thing is even my rules are a reflection of the world I live in, how I must live and don’t get me wrong, I’m not discounting the rules, unless I’m dead life must be… endured? If anything though this experiment itself is doomed to failure, how many books have been written trying to tell anyone and everyone how to live and yes sometimes I think it would be easier to become Didi Pickles and refer to Dr. Lipschitz, why do you think religion works?

Even if I listened to no one else, my body betrays me, like something out of Co-Ed Confidential, remember, the whole vote with your head, gut, and heart and James said vote with your crotch. Speaking of which it’s getting HARDER, you know what I’m talking about, but as I told some of the others, I’ve nearly made it a month, and of course, the record is forty days. I guess it also doesn’t help that I’m a man who doesn’t know how to sell a contradiction as the song suggests; maybe these are all suggestions, or ideas like it is in that movie Dogma.

See the thing is life is continually changing so how can anything be set in stone, I mean if I was living why am I denying myself but didn’t I say yesterday I want to adopt habits that keep me out of Hell. Then again that’s them talking I’m doing things because I honestly believe I can be better, I should be better. Only the final question comes down to, for who, these people I despise, the man I’m not sure I can be, my future wife, my dog who is busy with his desires but the rules come anyway.

Maybe when I finally found out who I am, I can genuinely begin just to Live Life According to You.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 168 ~Bed Is For Sleeping~

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Don’t we all have our place in the world and if bed wants to be mine who am I to argue, I can rage, rage, all I want from the comfort of my pillow but life has other plans sadly. Bed Is For Sleeping and living is for; does it even matter ha

Saturday, December 16, 2017

Lesson 168 ~Bed Is For Sleeping~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear of missing out on that though, for the past few days, my bed has been the center of my universe, though, besides my faithful dog, there is no sign of intelligent life, let alone living itself. As I was telling Indiana Gone today, I don’t know if it’s depression, sickness, or just plain exhaustion but the mere fact I’m up at all is a miracle, so food helps, surprise, surprise.

Not getting much relief from anything else, talk about being up, it’s been nearly a month now since I went on “hiatus” yes I’ve edged some and hell the longest I’ve ever gone is forty days and then let’s say the flood dissipates. You would think with all my free time I might do something constructive and if you count my day job then yeah but what was it I was saying about my depression? I can’t blame it all on work though, as much as I would like to, I think I’m becoming a sponge, and sooner or later you have to ring it out or throw it away.

Sad that I always have to remind you that I’m not on the path of suicide, trust me when something like that gets to me you’ll know, but I am reaching a threshold when it comes to all this negativity. Darkness infects the real world, and soon there will be fire, but when my fictional universes follow suit, I guess it’s just getting to be a bit too much. It’s as if I have hit a threshold of death and despair but what exactly was I expecting from The Walking Dead and Star Wars: The Last Jedi, I spent my one miracle on today sadly.

Sleep is the one escape from everything though there was one nightmare of being fired and considering my writing career and whatever I may have to do or not do tomorrow. Am I more or less frightened? It’s one thing when you know the gallows are built and ready, another when you have one more day in prison Lady Lu.

Have I even tried to learn anything today, it’s the reason I write down my rules and hoard the mail but even then, what of everything I’ve forgotten by now? There is always more blood, more hurt, more despair and what about fear, when I’m awake, Bed Is For Sleeping.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 165 ~That’s What I Like~

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Usually, I’m one for what I dislike, nope let’s say what I hate and despise; it comes more natural because the labels I get for what I do like… they can get pretty bad I believe. That’s What I Like, well this is about one sin in particular

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Lesson 165 ~That’s What I Like~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, everyone knows I like Star Wars, no I’m not afraid of being a geek, a nerd, or something, whatever the popular kids call it these days. I’m talking about the things I should never admit to, and yet here we are and why, facing my demons even if I intend on staying in Hell awhile?

It’s all sorts of blasphemy to say that I like the Star Wars prequels, but I do, and I find no fault in that, the same goes for The Walking Dead, and if it looks like a secret that’s because nobody knows me. Should it also be a sign that I don’t fight the things, people choose to believe? Every day at work is worse than the last, and it’s giving me nightmares. How about the fact that I don’t like most black women, I’ve had this conversation before and my mom would be appalled, hell I even have a Pinterest “Looking For My Swirl.”

Speaking of being appalled, why I need forgiveness… my mom is an avid Doug Jones supporter and yes I voted for him myself and if Roy Moore is guilty of everything I think he deserves to go to jail. With that said, you know what got me shunned, humiliated, and downright in trouble, having a “nymphet” fetish. I’m not Roy Moore, not even close, not even a little bit, and I have done some messed up things when it comes to “women.” Yes, I tend to call all females girls, but the “women” I messed over were all “women” eighteen at least but let’s not talk about “Senseless” not today.

The thing is I know I’m not the best person, and I could always be worse, and this is why I don’t bother to defend myself, scary that I might sound better when I let those people speak. Perhaps this is a conversation more suited for Dirty Diana so what else do I like that I should be ashamed for, that I’m genuinely a student of the Marquis de Sade.

I like guns, gay people are cool, especially watching two girls get it on, I enjoy porn, okay yeah maybe I should just ask for forgiveness now hmm? Inspector Echo I’m sorry for being so sexual, for having a DDlg fetish more than I would like to, for looking past my people from time to time, for hating people and but mostly myself but you know That’s What I Like.

“That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older; they stay the same age.” Wooderson ― from Dazed and Confused (1993)

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 163~How To Write, Just Bleed~

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Nothing has ever come close to destroying me more than words have, and maybe these pages only serve as a reminder that the wound is there and then I rip them off and throw them in the trash. How To Write Just Bleed.

Monday, December 11. 2017

Lesson 163~How To Write, Just Bleed~

Tenth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, the first name on the list is mine own, the old story of the first word I ever wrote, my first victim who is me because maybe I knew what was coming, perhaps I wanted to do the world a favor. The thing is Madam Justice; I don’t die, people say that women talk too much, people also say “I don’t trust anything that bleeds for a week and doesn’t die” another shot at women, so what kind of man does that make me.

With my writing, I think it both hurts and helps me; most days especially like today I feel like dying, and then I expect my words actually to give me the life that I deserve. Sometimes I do use words to hurt other people, whether intentional or not another saying, about the pen to the sword, which I can believe. What about other people’s words, I thought about that bitch you know who and her words ripped into me, but I’m still here, every now and again I just have to pull the Band-Aid off.

The best art comes from suffering, of course, that’s just a personal opinion but some create such beauty and what do I make… if anything we just want to see it, the mess. Burn books, then burn people but nothing seems to quench the flames does it, so maybe that’s why I bleed more because I know I’m going to Hell. So why do I make Hell even bigger or perhaps I’m trying to drown myself, blood, sweat, tears, and yes Madam Justice cum too, it all hits the page.

Could it be as in Fight Club, that I want to destroy something beautiful and isn’t that something, there is so much beauty in the world, so it will take something hideous to be recognized by anyone. I know I am coming up with theory after theory, so I present you with another if this is my “suicide note,” relax Madam Justice something I heard from Fear The Walking Dead. Anyway, suicide is a solo act; some say a selfish one, so I hurt myself, I write not caring if anyone sees the outcome right?

Writing is why I continue down this road, the typing dead, the write one dead, one more thing, I write to remember and so that’s How To Write Just Bleed.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 158~Time Humiliates Again Will~

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If you asked me my favorite sin, I would say Lust, my needed sin would be Wrath, and the one I most indulge in would be Sloth, then again check my search history right but speaking of history, I write still. Time Humiliates Again Will.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Lesson 158~Time Humiliates Again Will~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, it’s why I enjoy anger so much or namely one of the seven deadly sins “wrath” but which would you prefer that I drown in a lake of tears or that I burn in a lake of fire… least I’m warm.

Today let’s focus on three of the seven the first being WRATH because it’s taking over, every day it grows stronger, and I know honestly enough that anger doesn’t help anything but my fear. No, I’m not going to quote Master Yoda or some tired cliché but why do people only see the worst parts of me and then with their laughter, snickers, damn can we just call it human nature, they invite the monster out to play? How not to sound like a psychopath *ahem* see I can’t even say what I was going to because I need this job and for some reason, I feel someone is reading.

What about LUST, I recall talking about a woman I met recently on the Whisper App who could do nothing but yap all day at me but what did I think about her at the time? Well, there was time enough to lie and doesn’t that just show how powerful lust it, I hate hunters, I lied about my schedule and other things and why, because I wanted her, what kind of man am I? Not that she’ll know, she wanted to “hang out, ” and I already told her I was shallow, sins galore. Anyway we traded pictures last night, now isn’t it funny she suddenly shut up, and she can’t go out, not because she’s married of course but because someone needs surgery?

Not that I’m busy crying over her though I got off an hour early from work and after freezing thanks to the dog I climbed right into a warm bed and decided I live here now. Yeah, I couldn’t even get it up to go to my workstation, and I just slept most of the day away, waking up all shocked and surprised though I did manage to eat. SLOTH, a waste of time and that’s what all the sins have in common, they were a waste of time and how am I going about correcting this because sorry just doesn’t cover it Inspector Echo.

I am sorry though, I apologize, to you, to the world, to the future missus who knows I am better than this and to myself but Time Humiliates Again Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 156 ~Satisfaction, The Death Of Desire~

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What do we want, you know something, what do I want, at the end of the day that is all that truly matters is what do I want and if that’s another person, well lucky them or not? “Satisfaction, The Death Of Desire,” is it

Monday, December 4, 2017

Lesson 156 ~Satisfaction, The Death Of Desire~

Ninth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, and again I find myself lying for is it our fears that seek us out or we that seek them and in so doing conquer them only to seek out newer ones. If there is one thing that none of us can honestly be it’s satisfied for the moment we are, I believe we seek to be possible?

It’s perhaps this possibility that makes the dead so frightening, the damned, Walkers, zombies whatever you wish to call them because death should be the end, eternal rest. If we want or need nothing then what is it that drives us, I’m not talking the meaning of life or purpose, but all we do is to simulate death somehow only to rise again and begin the process once more. How does one define desire, well I honestly have no wish to look up the possible million definitions but here’s what I find it to be.

A wolf must kill when he is hungry, the wish to end life need not be present but gets done in the name of satisfying the wolf, for hours, a day, who knows but it is done, again and again, the wolf will go unsated until death. The same I will say about a man; personally, I want to eat I must work, hatred of this leads me to grander gestures, hunger for more and so I become more than I am, seeking the apex of life before death. It is only with men however that our appetites grow with the rise of our power, for everything else it is merely a physical transaction perhaps.

Everything else living takes more merely to match its size and strength but no not man, it is how civilization came to be as we know it, an object of a lifetime worth of desire. Desire is one way that I seek to break my fear; I must desire more than the fear itself, a lesson I once read about from Socrates I think, he said, when you want wisdom more than you need air…

When I want violence more than my peace, words more than silence, lust more than fantasy… maybe that’s not an even trade, but then again I am human, and humans want more and as I intend to live for now Satisfaction, The Death Of Desire.

I Will Have No Fear