Tag: Fear

Lesson 203 ~What’s A Death Sentence~

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What can’t we talk about and why can’t we talk about it, death, doom, pain, madness, and what does it matter who sees, because it’s my fingers on the keys, my words that are not understood by most. What’s A Death Sentence hmm

Saturday, January 20, 2018

Lesson 203 ~What’s A Death Sentence~

“we’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys us.”
― Paulo Coelho, from Veronika Decides to Die

Hey Lady Lu
I Am Not Afraid Anymore because to be afraid of itself is just action and this entire week sadly I have been a man of inaction for the most part. You see I stand as a man convicted of nothing more than memories and a promise and come tomorrow I will have fulfilled that promise and will probably write my death sentence.

What promise is that you ask “to not say one more word about…” anyway I have done so, I believe, but even that has now allowed me to live as I should which begs the question, what’s a death sentence. It might be like an unwritten rule and you know I’ve been into writing plenty which might be a problem when I made it out to be the solution, still trusting that writing might be my salvation. You know how I like zombies and how someone is working on a virus right now but you know something, that virus is fear, it is what makes us all The Walking Dead.

It is a prospect that twists in my guts and stops me from doing anything; it is the knife turning in my skull leaking all of the ideas but rendering me incapable of writing. It’s the voice in your head, the whispers, the screams, but most of all the guilt and judgment of those that would make themselves your doctors, your judges, and your God. My dear a death sentence is when you open your mouth to speak and what you hear from others is nothing but laughter as if your life is nothing more than the biggest joke in the world to them all.

“So this is how liberty dies, with thunderous applause.” ― Padmé, Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith

A death sentence is a truth you must bleed for; they say the truth shall set you free, and I would like to add “of the mortal coil.” Yes, a death sentence spells freedom for once you have accepted the fact that you will die, that you will lose everything, and who you are in every breath, what you feel is no longer shame, then there is no fear anymore.

Lady Luna, a death sentence can be as beautiful as a kiss, a moment gasping for air, every drop that leaves the body that represents life, you know what I mean, damn censorship, right? So what have I learned today, that I could be looking at my favorite mistake, indeed who knows, sadly I feel these conversations of ours are just continuing to repeat the question What’s A Death Sentence?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 200 ~Comments Trump, Weinstein, Will~

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Do you know anyone that starts the day with, “Let’s Get Ready For Sinning” trust me I don’t though I have to confess? As per usual that by the end of the day I’ll break a few laws, ruffle some feathers, sometimes? Comments Trump, Weinstein, Will

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Lesson 200 ~Comments Trump, Weinstein, Will~

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, how can I be, when I can’t decide whether or not I’m the monster, I pray the police don’t come knocking on my door, or hell, the monster might not find me worthy of getting? Perhaps Inspector Echo, I should just skip to the same old sin on a different day because as a new rule there’s, Difference Between Sense And Censor.

So last night I’m hanging in “NanoLand” on Facebook and as usual someone post some wicked story ideas one being the “Locket of Lust,” and they ask the group what would you prefer so yeah I’m always one for lust. Now my comment “Hollywood and Adult Video” only I didn’t say adult video but this is sort of the difference between Trump saying Sh*thole and Sh*thouse, and yeah I’m censoring myself on purpose. “Wow ew. That’s gross. You’re gross,” and in classic Will fashion, I delete my comment, and go through a few agonizing hours of maybe I should just shut up; I’m more ashamed to say I envy Trump because he seems to have no shame whatsoever with all his tweets or comments publicly.

You know what I won’t apologize for, being a writer, wanting to start my own company “Second Circle Creations,” or reading all the dark erotica I can and if that makes me a monster, skeevy, and gross, then so be it. I have plenty of sins that I should find myself arrested for no doubt, from talking blue in the face to blue balls because I am often humiliated and ashamed, but I spent my life living in some make-believe land of love… people change. You know why I don’t fear the critics destroying me because just like last night I will set every word I have to flame and never write again because someone disagrees, disapproves, disallows, and plays judge, jury, and executioner only to find I no longer exist, why I avoid mirrors.

How about the fact that sometimes I comfort myself that I’ve never become anything like Weinstein. I have too much Social Anxiety to speak out loud like Trump, but worse yet, I still feel the need to confess, to explain, how my father would say “you haven’t heard the latest’ and there goes the money shot. Inspector Echo I ask your forgiveness, for yet another stupid comment, for being gross, skeeve, perverted, depraved, and everything else, for having no sense and wanting to censor, for having no courage, for not shutting up, for having fetishes.

I apologize for giving up on one dream for another I would burn to the ground, and also for thinking the worst of others, for my confessions, and explanations and this life of mine, I’m sure there will always be more Comments Trump, Weinstein, Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 198 ~I Take My Own Lumps~

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Pain has plenty of points, something wrong; you’re still alive, you’re stronger because you’re not letting it kill you, the same can be true of a scar, too bad no one can see my scars on the inside, I’d be one badass man I Take My Own Lumps

Monday, January 15, 2018

Lesson 198 ~I Take My Own Lumps~

Fifteenth Rule Madam Justice,

“I’m not a smart man… but I know what love is.” ― Forrest Gump (1994)

I Am Not Afraid Anymore; perhaps the truth is my forte *snickers* I feel sort of like Sota from “Sota’s Brave Confession of Love” I am not brawny, reliable, or able to say things outright, but… I take my own lumps. Madam Justice I endure the pain I deserve, the pain I don’t, I pay the price for myself and others, and I feel that is just what a man does, what would I know.

He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined
When you were young ― When You Were Young

There’s no doubt in my mind that I ain’t Jesus, nowhere near Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, my greatness is definitely in question, but I don’t ask anyone to fight for me or to sacrifice if I am the cross you have to carry then put me down. I was ready to die when I was a child if I wasn’t the person my family wanted then why keep me… love, expectations, investment? Even now much to my shame I’m still not self-sufficient, if I lost everything well, there is a reason I have what I call my Alamo Fund. A way to meet my end with dignity, a five-star hotel, hookers, my favorite foods, and some kick-ass drugs or as the song goes perhaps Happiness Is A Warm Gun.

I’m just an average man, with an average life
I work from nine to five; hey hell, I pay the price
All I want is to be left alone in my average home
But why do I always feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone ― Somebody’s Watching Me
Rockwell

As much as I loathe humanity and I long for the day the dead walk the Earth or maybe Trump will legalize the annual Purge it’s always been about hurting myself rather than anybody. You know it’s stupid I came up with this rule years ago when I wrecked my car against a tree, then drove to work with screwed brakes, and afterward drove to an auto shop, all because I didn’t want to inconvenience, my “father” or my job. Do you want a confession better suited for Echo or Diana; what makes me an incredible sadist is the fact that I’m a fantastic masochist, maybe I get off on my pain and thus when I enjoy the occasion I choose to share it honestly.

I heard on a TV show once; we cannot learn without pain or what about the saying what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… or better start running. Trust me I don’t yearn for adversity, trial, and tribulation, the slings, and arrows but like I told my mother a few days ago as old as I am, I’m growing up, and I’m not that bad, I Take My Own Lumps.

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” ― Martin Luther King, Jr. 1929 – 1968

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 197 ~A Five Star Life~

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Never did I think that I would have as much as I do at this moment, it’s not five stars, but it is a place, it’s comfort, but I still can’t say it’s home, even now I can’t say that it’s my life either. “A Five Star Life,” how I’m trying so hard hmm..

Sunday, January 14, 2018

Lesson 197 ~A Five Star Life~

To Will:
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, just something new I want you to try as you consider what kind of life you want, all five star and such. This week has been all about the numbers right, and you’ll have all week to not think about it, but maybe we should mention last week’s goal, while the past indeed continues to haunt us sadly.

1. You replaced the lightbulb
2. You gave it an honest try at work, “EVOLUTION” does not happen overnight
3. Somehow even Haley Pullos was not enough for you to unzip
4. Thinking is not writing
5. The blog is still somewhat in shambles, (more on that)
6. Talking to a female yes, but no potential bed buddies, no numbers

This week has been all about the numbers, whether it be banking, the hours you’re getting at work, Braxton’s two eyes, or days left with a friend amongst other things. Sleep is for winners, and if you’re going to be up all night long you might as well be doing something productive, idle hands you know, and these words are going to be your salvation, yeah I know, too tired to laugh if you could only cut that stuff out at work. Speaking of cutting things out, I hope you don’t repeat my “Nero” mistake from last night, remember how I said I Am Not Afraid Anymore, I’m going to need you to believe that, just like you have faith in taking that next breath. It was like something off of GTA, when crime nets you five stars, but it was worst back then six.

Remember the blog is still in shambles, and I moved all the work back to the old one, and then I was afraid, “she who would not be named” would see, and we would lose everything. Not to mention, cops, restraining orders, firings, bringing me back to absolute zero. The only zero is her, no more thoughts, no more time, no more cares, I mean no worries, three little birds, “Two Fux” and everything in-between. Will, you can’t afford to build an empire in minutes and then spend half the night burning it down to the ground for one bitch.

Maybe that should be this week’s goal, to not say one more word about some whack-ass, no-respect-giving bitch, I could continue and of course debate this, being the guy I am but that’s just it, you’re not me today. Every week the overall goal is for you to be a better man, to live a life worth having an may Braxton keep his two eyes and not go blind from Cataracts so he can see it one day not someday.

No more “she who will not be named” no more wasting time, you’ll have to work don’t you know to have A Five Star Life.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 196 ~A Sight To See~

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The look of love, although I’m sure all the treats and getting to sleep in my bed helps as well, and if I have to be a seeing eye man for him than so be, I’m just upset that the world is such an ugly and scary place to see. “A Sight To See,” one day…

Saturday, January 13, 2018

Lesson 196 ~A Sight To See~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, it will all be there tomorrow, that’s what I tell my dog all the time when he’s in a rush for his walk or to go outside and play, it will all be there tomorrow. Maybe it’s a bad habit, pushing for tomorrow when there is only today and who knows what tomorrow bring; didn’t I already say once, leave every problem to tomorrow, make your troubles run from you.

It helps when you can see them, yes I’m still thinking about the bitch with a blog, hell I’m nevertheless thinking about my blog, one-hundred and ninety-six days in and I always feel the need to explain myself. If I could only see myself the way my son sees me and who knows how long that will last as I just got the news yesterday, the vet says my son is starting to develop cataracts. Trust me, Lady Luna, I hate the look of this world, to quote the president “shithole” see I’m good enough to be president though that isn’t a good thing anymore.

I want to show my kid, yeah he’s thirteen now which is maybe sixty-eight in dog years, last I checked and hope but anyway I want him to see a world that we don’t have to be afraid of; hell at least he dares to see it. There is no such luck for me, you know I’m one for definitions of Hell and here are a few more, Hell is despising who you see in the mirror, it’s condemning who other people see when they look at you, it’s finding yourself stuck, frozen, lake Cocytus. Lady Luna, Hell is people leaving, it’s so close to something you desire and knowing you’ll never have it. Indeed it’s a fire that burns in all the wrong ways.

The thing is I still want to see it, I want him to see it, but I can’t help, but wonder has it passed us by, is it only in our heads, why is it I love the darkness, but I would want to end it all if I ever went blind? Wouldn’t it be something if we all could see through the eyes of those who love us, imagine how we would feel then?

That is what I have learned today, I look at him, and from the first moment I have loved him, cared for him, and I would be his eyes if he needs me to be, now if only I cared to see myself, would I become A Sight To See?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 193 ~I Need A Raise~

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Well at least I never considered myself a cave woman, though I may speak like a caveman at least I’m making noise but how did they scare the beasts back then, I’ll tell you with such thunderous voices. “I Need A Raise,” money, and guns say more.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Lesson 193 ~I Need A Raise~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, I mean by the time I get to the car and the music is blasting out so I can’t hear myself in my head when I’m sure that they have forgotten about me when my courage returns that I often mistake for some great insanity.

I need to raise my voice Inspector Echo, and no I don’t mean in a mean way, as the song goes “I think I use to have a voice, and now I barely make a sound,” I know what I sound like singing… yikes but just everyday speaking. Now it’s funny that I say that when there are plenty of devices to help with projection and still I damn near have a panic attack every time I have to page someone at work or speak on the radio. I keep saying I want the world to hear me and then I have nothing to say, I’m stupid, or a clown.

To most people, I damn sure ain’t a man when it comes to talking in the drive-thru or on the phone, and I don’t bother to correct them at all. “Act like a bitch, get slapped like a bitch,” as one of the hottest actresses on the planet said, and I know surely enough I whine like a bitch. It could be that I’m ashamed of who I am, have I forgotten what it means to speak like a man, did I ever know in the first place Inspector Echo.

“Fathers are supposed to show sons how to be a man in the world, but I guess the world is too much for you.” ― Grotesque, Fear The Walking Dead

My father gave into aggression, to the dark side, and every day I find myself giving into that, it’s when I feel such surging rage that my courage is at its highest or is it passion? That would be my greatest sin, and I could go on and on for days, but I’m also mad at the fact that I have to keep myself penned in all the time because I feel like I might hurt someone, you know more than most that my words will someday lead to new actions. Perhaps I feign cowardice to keep the monster inside me pacified to a degree.

I ask your forgiveness Inspector Echo for my quietus when it comes to my speaking, stupidity, identity, weakness, and all my madness; I still have a voice that one day *sigh* money is power, it speaks, I Need A Raise.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 191 ~I Will Go The Distance~

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I wish I could find the starting line once again but shouldn’t I be looking for the finish line, or maybe there is just so much more race to run, don’t know where I’m going, neither do I most days. I Will Go The Distance

Monday, January 8, 2018

Lesson 191 ~I Will Go The Distance~

Fourteenth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, I’m on my way, at least that’s what my dream seemed to allude to and yes I do believe in visions which is why I found this one so scary. You know I’m not usually awakened from such a desperate necessity, so when I am, it often means something, though I haven’t been fired from the day job.

Hell, even the general manager told me if I’m not happy I should leave and I nearly broke out with that “I got nowhere else to go! I got nowhere else to g… I got nothin’ else.’ Only I’m no officer, and I’m not a gentleman, not when the right girl… okay, a girl I want comes along. There are days I always feel like I’m running you know and there isn’t some light at the end of the tunnel just a brief respite here and there. I suppose the good news is I’m always moving because if you’re not you’re dead but I’m not getting anywhere; another regret, I should have told Indiana Gone, I didn’t get anywhere today despite what my car says.

Now, of course, the first step is always the hardest but next, even if you can’t see it, you have to know there is something out there and Madam Justice I honestly do. The thing is I’m always resting and if I’m moving, well in my dream I slept the whole way, I lost some key I was given, and then my luggage was lost, so much so I spent time this morning just looking through all my travel bags. Is that what my dream was trying to tell me, that I have to get out and I have always been one of those who would instead leap than just step, and cue the Xbox One Jump ahead commercial right?

Every morning I step, but this place must be like a maze and not trying to get all racial because how much do I know but, the black man must fly to hat the white man can walk to, that’s from Chris Rock. So we see comedy is not my thing from a long time ago but writing, just like any of my stories I find where I want to go. As my mother said I would find my way and as the music swells, may I be as strong as Hercules, may I have that kind of heart and I Will Go The Distance?

“For a true hero isn’t measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart.” ―Hercules

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 190 ~Hot And You’re Cold~

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I’m so cold and when I start to warm up… it’s a disease this thing called lust but there is a fire burning in my mind, or a single lightbulb, but it’s not all dark in there and if the dog can enjoy the sun. “Hot And You’re Cold”; not a meteorologist

Sunday, January 7, 2018

Lesson 190 ~Hot And You’re Cold~

To Will:
No Fear, and Happy New Year, okay let’s be honest for once, it’s a new year, and you’re still here, a benefit of being in the dark I suppose. Speaking of honesty, remember when you wanted to be a weatherman, the epitome of fake it to you make, this year you could use some of that when it comes to being a writer, a co-worker, and maybe just maybe a real man truthfully.

As a writer, it’s hit and miss, your brain will be on fire with all the new ideas but the idea is the virus, and the words are the cure, so the question becomes why aren’t you working, well look at you now. The real Hell is the day job, and how do they said, when “Hell” freezes over, are you the only one that knows anything about Dante’s Inferno, and they wonder why you don’t talk. You must be cool, calm, and collected, almost ice for that hard cold cash. You need plenty to survive, to pay for the fever that will possess you.

Talk about manhood right but isn’t one of your resolutions to meet someone in the biblical sense, you still have time, but like us talking right now, you have to get better, there is no tomorrow. Depression can be a real bitch too and I know you feel like you could use a good cry or any other sort of release am I right? If anything I’m stressing this. Unfortunately, you can’t stay toasty warm no matter what. Not in your bed or your hoody. What about a nice warm shower which I think I will recommend. The day job will come whether you like it or not and the stress has been getting you.

So since I won’t be getting that from “Alice In Wonderland” yeah that’s a discussion for Dirty Diana I will instead take another practice, six impossible things this week, why don’t we count them Will:

1. Replace the lightbulb
2. Don’t You Laugh, Don’t You Smile, Don’t You Make A Funny Face, At Work Silence Is Better Than Placation
3. Keep It In Your Pants
4. Work On One Of My Novels
5. Find Out What’s Wrong With The Blog
6. Talk To A Girl; No Get Her Number Will

Do any of those seem possible this week for you, all of them should be, but I know how you feel, and lukewarm isn’t enough anymore and aren’t you sick of the cold, but why so Hot And You’re Cold

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 189 ~Need A Bigger Boat~

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Is a sin in the thought or the action, if anything for so few that I genuinely commit, Hell is growing pretty big, and what a way to start off a Happy New Year, am I right, not usually. “Need A Bigger Boat”; I’m not a shark, a devil or anything worse

Saturday, January 6, 2018

Lesson 189 ~Need A Bigger Boat~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, Hell takes a long time to build; call it a revelation, an epiphany, the ramblings of a desperate man perhaps, no, that’s what I’m discovering, that Heaven finds itself lost in despair that it damns us all. No, what I find Hell to be Lady Luna is greedy, and in that greed, you see other sins but also the ability to be selective and exclusive.

Honestly, what would I know, I’ve never been to a club though we can add that to my to-do list as in I want to own my adult dungeon someday, just another production brought to you by “Second Circle Creations.” So back to Hell, think the Cold War, nukes in the closet amongst other things. Everything we horde and we just pack it in only we need more room. Fear plus Hope equals courage, but if you asked me the definition of Hell at this moment and knowing me I have several, Hell is merely awaiting the greatest fear you’ll ever understand, doing so for all eternity and then some.

Maybe that’s what I’m doing these days, and the thing about it is, I consider myself an open person… careful, every time I think something like that I think of her when I hear the song “Something Just Like This,” when I cast her in the center of Cocytus, and even with the current news. You see Luna just because there is a stairway to Heaven and a highway to Hell doesn’t mean you’ll find your way in which is why I feel Hell must constantly expand and Heaven, well, I don’t know, but we hide our sins don’t we? I’m trying not to anymore, “trying,” I informed “Indiana Gone” I feel strange saying try, no I do, then again.

I remember when my sins were small enough to hide in a trashcan on one slip of paper and look at me now, I have books full of secrets, my sins scattered across the Internet, a closet full of clothes just waiting for some girl to fill them. Luna, it’s cold outside, so why am I burning up right now?

So what have I learned today, I’m picky when it comes to women, secrets, the life I choose to lead but I don’t know what to blame for my loneliness though I have plenty of room and yet even with everything I have cut off and deleted. Somehow I think we Need A Bigger Boat.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 184 ~Power Is All That Matters~

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Power has five letters, and love has four, is less more, sorry to say not in this instance but if I wanted to control as badly as I want to love and maybe that’s my problem, people speak of one, it’s wrong to want the other. Power Is All That Matters

Monday, January 1, 2018

Lesson 184 ~Power Is All That Matters~

Thirteenth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, power should not be so easily obtainable, Tony Montana taught us this, but even women beat out his real motives honestly. I find myself quite the same because as the song goes, no one man should have all that power, it’s too high, too much of a fight, and too much to endure.

So we call power “love” so that we can share the burden, and even then we become slaves to it, we just can’t help ourselves because love is as a disease and this I believe. It takes on other forms, politics, money, violence, all symptoms of the same sickness, it’s like saying you have a fever when you know you have the Ebola virus, and you end up killing everyone around you trying to deny it. There are those that say absolute power corrupts absolutely or how about those we hold up as shining examples such as Captain America, a man given such power and then he becomes a hero.

One of my favorites is that everything is about sex, but sex itself is about power, now that I’ve felt and is probably closest to the truth. Power to me is merely controlling, no more, no less, and that I would not give away to anyone but first you must obtain power over yourself, and I can think of no better way to announce the new year than this possibly. Save a life, save the world entirely, if you gain power, control over just one person, yourself then there is nothing more exceptional, no fear.

Every footstep, every breath, every look, heartbeat, the release is controlled but then what does this mean for freedom, as 1984 put it “Freedom Is Slavery” to have someone anyone else in control, in power, is liberating. Take Domination and Submission as the perfect example, is this not a testament to a submissive’s power, to give such things to a dominant and perhaps they do not possess such control over themselves but only in another.

As for myself, I seek power not just over myself but life entire, and that is worth more to me than anything else, but while I know that I want this how best to obtain it, dear Madam Justice *sigh* Power Is All That Matters.

I Will Have No Fear