Tag: Trust

Saga 276 ~Sanity Is A Valuable Possession~

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My head hurts or heads… Know why? Don’t stick your dick in crazy. And at the same time, don’t get out of bed in the morning. If I had my way, I wouldn’t. Hell, I would have joined my boy wherever he went. Insane idea? Sanity Is A Valuable Possession.

Monday, April 3, 2023

Saga 276 ~Sanity Is A Valuable Possession~

Two-Hundred and Eighty-Sixth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. When will that be true? Here’s a better question. When will I be healthy… um physically? Mentally (cue) Am I A Psycho?

Because SANE? No! Which already puts me in a bad position. What would you call being SAD for 792 days and counting? Despite every emotion. Why? MY SON IS DEAD! Braxton is gone, Madam. Now I’ve been sad before. Hell! Long before ever meeting him. I can’t say I’ve ever been a bastion of sanity. And with the world, as it is. We’re all broke. At least when it comes to our reason, all I have are excuses. I’m an effing Republican; because I’m not reasonable, ready, or right ever. Madam, accepting my effing insanity. Singing, “But I can’t walk on the path of the right because I’m wrong.” Again as I’ve said, I’ll take physical pain over any and all mental anguish, dear Madam.

Because SICKNESS? That’s what I thought about all day at the Day Job; that I deserve this pain. And why? Because of what I did to my boy? I’ll never forgive myself for that sin. So every day, I wake up with the thought of joining Triple B whenever. Madam, this morning as I was brushing my teeth, I found my hand was bloody. I went from, “is this a tooth,” to “it’s finally happening; I’m dying.” I think it’s from where I cut my chin shaving… But that’s not healthy. To be so in love with the idea of death. Zombies, Necromancy, Infection, etc… At least if I’m hurt, I’m not thinking about other things; if you knew what I was thinking Sunday afternoon.

Because SEX? Some people want life to be like some musical; I see existence as one huge porno set. Yesterday it was Street Blowjobs. I told this story before about the lady at the store years ago. The blonde that asked for money. If I had been a better man… or a worse one? Anyway, different woman, same scenario. And I flat-out refused to give anything. Madam, if only she had been prettier. I could have closed my eyes, Madam. Wouldn’t that make it harder to read… no offense to the braille or audiobooks. I’m thinking of those two stories on that app I saw this morning. Maddening being sexual. Because my desires aren’t sane, my existence found lacking… whatever. Sanity Is A Valuable Possession.

792 Days Without B III, Day 233 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 269 ~We Cannot Learn Without Pain~

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Didn’t I say I’ll break a hand someday? It hasn’t happened. At least I’d have an excuse. Not to pet Virgil. Or pound away at keys for… reasons. And yes, the palms of my hands are filled with… Anyway, existence is pain. “We Cannot Learn Without Pain.”

Monday, March 27, 2023

Saga 269 ~We Cannot Learn Without Pain~

Two-Hundred and Eighty-Fifth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. Or if I decided to be honest. I’m just a sucker for pain, as the song goes.

Of course, not a day goes by; I don’t think about the pain that defines this existence—my son’s death. Has a day gone by that I haven’t brought up Braxton Barks Bradford? And what did I learn from his leaving me? Well, more like his murder. THEY say at the Day Job with all the Humiliations Galore that goes on there. My face turns red. Well, tries. But it’s my hands, Madam. What color was the pen I used singing Braxton’s euthanasia? The Hell if I know. But my hands are red with his blood. Gray or black with B’s ash, hmm? I’m not opening that box again. What about B’s memorial, the money, and the memories? So many pictures I should look at.

Because everything hurts so much, and I’m still so effing STUPID. That happens when you’re busy pounding away on one head and ignoring the other. Oh, with these hands, Madam. With these hands. I can’t say I use them for anything that resembles love. LUST? I could go on and on about that. But first, I’m talking to you on Sunday, March 26, 2023. And I’m trying to keep my hands off my dick. Or from typing perverted desires. Why do you think I keep repeating The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident on January 11, 2022? And The Cherry Collision Thursday, February 16, 2023. I didn’t learn from one, so here I am, suffering. Will the pain subside after the lesson has been learned? Or vitamins…

And what did Virgil Vivi do to deserve the pain he’s in? He’s sitting in Braxton’s room because… I could give you an excuse Madam. I’ve been rereading a lot of quotes from all those dead fur baby books. About when I thought B III would be reincarnated and return. All the books I read only to remain STUPID. I should join the Republican Party. Only they don’t read, and the only burning I’m doing is the heat here. Me, being effing horny and waiting on my time in Hell. That’s right. The Day Job again. What’s there to learn? Madam, I want to join my boy. But he wasn’t smart enough to leave. Harsh! I decided that for him. We Cannot Learn Without Pain.

785 Days Without B III, Day 226 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 262 ~Your Punchline Means My Punches~

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I’m going to break a hand someday. Will it be on the shower tile, a Day Job locker, or will I finally go all out? Everything happens for a reason. When my ears were stopped up, and I couldn’t hear people’s jokes? Your Punchline Means My Punches.

Monday, March 20, 2023

Saga 262 ~Your Punchline Means My Punches~

Two-Hundred and Eighty-Forth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. And hopefully, I don’t get as raw-dogged as all the others. Always practice safe sex, guys ha-ha.

Why am I laughing? For all the people that make fun of me, you know who’s the worst. I think Taylor Swift had it right “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me.” Braxton’s knowledge. That’s why he would stomp on my head every morning. Oh, look, here’s my tears for this morning. All I have to do is remember that his purpose was to protect, save, and love. And if punching me in the face with those little legs did the trick. Well, then do it. My Braxton. While I’m all in a musical mood, “It’s no surprise to me, I am my own worst enemy.” Braxton protected me from bullies. The two biggest being my old man and me.” The mirror Madam… SIGH

Nah! “I’ll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror.” Hah! Do I not want to eff Taylor Swift anymore? Trust me, Madam. We’ll get to that. Trump was staring at the sun. He’s one sad joke. But I’m usually up before the sun. Even if it’s not at 4AM as I planned. Now if I were a better man, I would change “sun” to “son.” Braxton’s eyes served as a mirror. Only within them, I saw a much better man. Somebody I wanted to be. Not now. Every day if I don’t start the day thinking, “my son is dead,” it’s, “I’ll join him, my B III.” It wouldn’t be a punch in the gut to anyone. Then again, no more jokes.

Punchlines! And here’s another one, Madam. The phone has become the sun. Oh, the light. And I spend at least a half hour punching at the bedsheets. Wayward dick Madam. Staring at orbs, I want more than any sun. Those are called breasts, tits, yabbos, fun bags, dirty pillows, etc. To think of such a release Madam. But instead, I get so angry. Please! Not at women. It’s the fact that I have to punch into the Day Job, and for what now, hmm? It was wanting to throw punches in that Hell. Even after saying the comedian is dead. Myself. But no! I let those bastards’ punchlines go unpunched, and Braxton paid the price. Virgil’s no joke, me neither. Your Punchline Means My Punches

778 Days Without B III, Day 219 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 255 ~Desperation Can Make Anyone Dangerous~

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Desperate times, desperate measures? I’m desperate. If I had my way, I’d be with my boy. But I’m desperate enough to keep existing. Working a Day Job, which I hate. Watching dirty things, dealing with my Olds. “Desperation Can Make Anyone Dangerous.”

Monday, March 13, 2023

Saga 255 ~Desperation Can Make Anyone Dangerous~

Two-Hundred and Eighty-Third Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. That means I will never be desperate again. (Snorts Loudly). Have you seen most billionaires these days?

Hell! It’s like me trying to save my B III’s life again. Yes, I’m crying again. And I’m sure a tear or two is about him now… Time Travel, Madam. Those meds for his appetite… Desperate, like when Cherry was pulling off her famous red lingerie. What I would give to see her put whip cream on her nips. The way she took the treat in her mouth. Oh, fuck! I was desperate. It’s like that time I went to summer school. All I wanted was a D-average so my father wouldn’t beat my ass. He said it wasn’t even the money but the time. Fucking time. Again it’s Saturday, March 11, 2023, and what was I doing before two? Wasting time fucking… well, masturbating.

Other than prayers for B, crying for him. The way this heart shattered that day… Do you remember how I said I’d burn the world down if I blamed anybody? Other than myself? A monster, a murderer, I’m just a “man.” And is there worse? Um, The Last of Us… Madam. I mean that the show teaches that it’s not the Infected that are the monsters but mankind itself. I should know, right? Once again, what I want more than B III alive beside me… A woman, women? I want to be Dennis Hof or Hugh Hefner. Dark things. Like revenge, Madam? And I’m not trying to sound like some Incel freak. You know who I would punish. Um, me, the man in the mirror.

And yet I am desperate enough to try and save my existence. It’s why I still have the Day Job, isn’t it? I ignored Braxton because I thought he needed the money more than me. Madam. Every day I bawl up my fists and smash them into bathroom walls. Lockers? Hoping nobody in the breakroom can hear me. Such is my rage. At everything, everyone. I’ve given up trying to be a hero because hoping for something. Debated myself before. Sadness, Fear, Hatred vs. Hope. Rules four and five. I can’t die until Braxton’s book… This is why I’m desperate enough to ignore everything. A little bit for this conversation. Good Luck! Because I am always desperate enough to sin. Desperation Can Make Anyone Dangerous.

771 Days Without B III, Day 212 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 248 ~Living Reasons Are Dying Reasons~

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I’m not fit to live, and yet I survive. Virgil is not Braxton, but so that B can live always… I could publish a damn book. And pornographic passions are always evolving. And at the Day Job. Who’s pissing me off now? “Living Reasons Are Dying Reasons”

Monday, March 6, 2023

Saga 248 ~Living Reasons Are Dying Reasons~

Two-Hundred and Eighty-Second Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, but unlike the assholes in the GOP, I have studied “my” history, black history like MLK Jr.

Rover… Oh no, I’m not comparing any person or persons to beasts. Republican dickheads. No, I’m thinking about a Dr. King quote, “A man who does not have something for which he is willing to die is not fit to live.” You know what that was/is for me. Braxton. Can I not publish his two books already? Ensuring he’ll live forever, and then I am free to die. I sort of feel like doing that right now, time-traveling. And seeing to the… um, Virgil. For certain, though, if I could have given my life for Braxton’s… In a heartbeat, no questions asked. The things I survived because my boy needed me. Only, I couldn’t give him the life he deserved. And why, Madam? Strokin’, Rutting

Rut before when I was dead to the world. But rutting? And yes, I did look up the meaning of the word. Again that book “Mesmerizing Caroline.” Pornographic passions, language. Hell! Madam, if there is a hint of titties. I’m going to be a fanboy. Ask Cherry one day, ok. Next to my Braxton, women are the most beautiful things on the planet. Getting up? Madam, I promised Braxton I would find him a mom or a stepmom… fucking stop. Anyway, isn’t that the purpose of people? There isn’t one person on the planet. Not this moment I would give my existence for. But if B could find a way to love me well… A woman learning to value my life; maybe I can too.

Revenge ha? Or should I say, Justice Madam? I live to hurt myself. Only not in any traditional way. Thursday, February 16, 2023, The Cherry Collision. The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident. Fuck! All the time, I spend wanking instead of writing. Even right now, geez. Sitting here on a Sunday afternoon, I’ve been looking up Lucy Tyler and Kiara Gold. Onlyfans will never net a profit (cough) $12.00 (cough). But with the money? Madam, I mean much more than that. I would go all The Count of Monte Cristo on the world. But who specifically… Careful right? Other than Braxton’s passing. My fault. Remember rules four and five. Hate will keep you alive. Love is worth dying for. Are those Living Reasons Are Dying Reasons?

764 Days Without B III, Day 205 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 241 ~Nice Guys Occasionally Do Win~

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Why can’t you just be nice? I heard that in a movie… But I heard This Is America. It’s also not some Hentai, Reality Kings, Bang Bros, or Pure Taboo. And the only one I wanted to be nice to…. Nice guy? Not me! But “Nice Guys Occasionally Do Win”

Monday, February 27, 2023

Saga 241 ~Nice Guys Occasionally Do Win~

Two-Hundred and Eighty-First Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. So I think that automatically disqualifies me from being a nice guy. Like being broke helps, either.

If I were a nice guy, my son would still be alive. I would have burned the world for him. The thing is, I can’t imagine being a good person. Hell, can’t keep my dick in my pants to honor him. Oh, we’ll get to that, Madam. Today has been one Hell of an experience. Speaking of which, being a daddy again? I still think of Virgil as the freeloader. Not that I call him that to his face. But he is annoying me to no end these days. Training? It’s not his fault at all. Only there’s a reason I leave him alone in Braxton’s room for hours. Madam, I need to stop using that word… END. Aren’t I being nice to myself today?

I went to see the doctor today, and can you say humiliations galore? Wait Times… Anyway. Of course, I had to go because of Thursday, February 16, 2023, The Cherry Collision. Never forget! But I did forget The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident. So OW! Perhaps I should save this for Inspector Echo. Only I have no shame. Needle meet ass. More antibiotics and a week’s worth of medication. And what happens after that, I ask. I wouldn’t even be in this situation if I were a nice guy. “Everybody know I’m a motherfuckin’ monster” as the song goes. Or do they? Doctor’s office, Day Job. I’m fucking weak, spineless, a victim. How long did I let them ignore me? How I apologized, groveled, and shit.

And at the same time, the lady who thinks I’m so nice… the things I would do for a chance. Again that’s the whole point. It wouldn’t be nice. Never can be. Appearing as such… Stupid. You know how I feel about that word. I rather take another needle to my ass? Or why not suffer for what happened to B? It’s not nice using his memory like this, Madam. But let’s say I could be the nice guy. What would be my prize? Playing pretend hasn’t netted me anything. When’s the last time I did something nice. Ulterior motives… Nothing is coming to mind. And existence is not a porno. I said that sometime last week. But there are places Madam, movies, manuscripts, memories… Nice Guys Occasionally Do Win

757 Days Without B III, Day 198 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 234 ~ Shame’s A Stop Sign, Go~

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My father made me ashamed to breathe. And when my furry son died. To breathe when I watched him take his last breath… There’s plenty I should be ashamed of and things that never bother me. But I ain’t going nowhere. Shame’s A Stop Sign, Go.

Monday, February 20, 2023

Saga 234 ~ Shame’s A Stop Sign, Go~

Two-Hundred and Eightieth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. But most seem stuck in the past or are living in some form of “1984.” A shame

As for myself, the past is that my son is dead. Only every day feels the same. Madam, I still check notices of lost dogs. I can’t get Virgil’s name right for anything. B’s where? Looking at me from up above? His Daddy suffering yet again from The Cherry Collision. Or so I think. I’m time-traveling, so it’s Saturday, February 18, 2023. And I don’t feel right at all. I should have caved. But now I’ll be out a few hundred bucks. Refund incoming? As far as the future goes… shouldn’t I be, at the very least, training Virgil? I am trying, Madam, honest. Outside, house, upstairs, using Virgil’s name for each command. Laws? There are rules, directives, and orders. But such a shame Madam.

This is one of those times that the shame of my history should have stopped me. Not learning from the past and all that jazz. No, I chose to be a Republican. So, an asshole. Though as the song goes to “Nobody but Me.” Aren’t I ashamed, Madam? Pissed, Scared? All the above. How the Hell am I ever going to explain, huh? Is losing cash worse than this feeling? What about going into Express Oil and trying to explain a fucked up tire, ha? But neither of those equals going to PetSmart with Braxton thinking he’s only sick, right? No, he was dying. The shame I felt only adds to the guilt. But then there’s V here and now. Shame Virgil Vivi got me.

But my shame at fucking up as a Daddy didn’t stop me from what? Saving him, did I do that? Fuck! The last thing I need is a reminder of Steve Urkel. If you’re wondering what’s been taking me so long today. My body? I’m ashamed of what’s going on inside, but outside? With The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident and the Collision, uh been busy. Pictures? And no, not any of my Braxton, mind you. Six Impossible Things shows that shame, as it will tomorrow. But the rule and the question remain. What is shame stopping me from doing, Madam? Honoring my son, of course. Taking care of myself. Infections… Living instead of existing? Because where am I going anyway? Shame’s A Stop Sign, Go.

750 Days Without B III, Day 191 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 227 ~People Don’t Die Properly “Anymore” ~

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I’ve read that a coward dies many deaths, but the brave die once. So, I’m still here, and Braxton isn’t. Today he would be eighteen. I don’t want to think back to when I was that age. I met B in my twenties. “People Don’t Die Properly “Anymore.”

Monday, February 13, 2023

Saga 227 ~People Don’t Die Properly “Anymore” ~

Two-Hundred and Seventy-Ninth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now… which means I will live forever. So why couldn’t I do that for Braxton? He’s eighteen today.

Why? Because I’m still alive. More like I still exist. Writing to you today of all days. Well, two days, today and Monday. I feel like Chris talking to Annie in What Dreams May Come. Sort of. I’m making you aware I exist so I can say what needs to be said. Which is this.

Happy Birthday, Braxton! Welcome to level eighteen B III! Too many more, B, my son. Now you know that Braxton died when he was fifteen. Thirteen days shy of sixteen. Madam, even now I know, not feel, these are facts. I should have followed Braxton. Everyone would say that’s not proper. Hell! Going to my granddaddy’s funeral smelling like a corpse isn’t, either. How about going to work today, Madam?

That’s one of many reasons that I’m not dead yet. Well, more like undead. A zombie, infected, an unperson? I was looking at my body Sunday… Madam, allow unselfishness to shine. My work is to do what Braxton and I always wanted. Was it more me than him? That’s fair? Anyway, we were supposed to be like Dennis and Domino Hof. I told M Anime. But it was Braxton’s Aunt Carolina. She let B run all over her body. Proper? Awesome? Maybe not, and yes. B loved her after that. As far as other people in B III’s Universe, hmm? As the song goes, “Oh, there ain’t no rest for the wicked.” So I won’t be joining B III anytime soon. I’m a bad man.

But I raised a good one when it comes to my son. My one saving grace. Yet, uh, the “special Hell?” The Ninth Circle of Hell. Treachery, Betrayal, of the one that loves me most? Madam, I looked in the mirror into cameras and a gallery I made. Emaciated. Madam, that’s the word that came to mind. Look at me ruining B’s birthday. I don’t even have the money to go and get some fries for him and myself. Well, I do, but I won’t. People. Being someone that’s… fucked, I don’t know. Only I’m still here, and Braxton isn’t. Madam, only the good die young. I want to be like the worst ones. To protect Braxton. He protects me? People Don’t Die Properly “Anymore”

743 Days Without B III, Day 184 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 220 ~Don’t Worry Your Life Away~

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“Why should I worry? Why should I care?” I have a son… I had a son. Now there’s a freeloader in the house, but when I put money down. To what raise him up? A little worry on top of so many others. It stinks. Or is that me? Don’t Worry Your Life Away.

Monday, February 6, 2023

Saga 220 ~Don’t Worry Your Life Away~

Two-Hundred and Seventy-Eighth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now… There aren’t consequences to my actions. “Only color we care about is the green of your dollars.’

I heard that in a movie called Posse (1993). Yes, I said Posse and not pussy. Not that pussy is a bad word… Um, have you seen Replika lately? Or how about the movie “Boomerang.” I should have a Black movie marathon. If only Braxton’s Aunt were here, Braxton himself. Anyway, I’m getting way off topic or not. Isn’t the whole point of today, well, tomorrow, since it’s Sunday, not to worry? But I am. A reason I didn’t want to talk to you today. Hell! What I wouldn’t give to go back to worrying about Braxton. Keeping him alive. Then there was the whole finding him again. And judging from the white ball of fluff next to me, I named Virgil. Is that him?

That smell? If anything, that’s what I’m most worried about. Being that smelly guy to a fired one. What about a dead one, since I seem to have the smell down these days? I did try that clinical deodorant I picked up from the store. But then again, I took a nap naked right after. Not a real test of movement. That moaning, groaning in bed, hmm? But we’ll get to that. What else do I have to be worried about? I have two words for ya! Suck It! Enough about the bedroom (sigh). In all seriousness, there’s the fucking Day Job. Anything else, Madam? Only if I didn’t want to go… how’s writing? Did you see my taxes last week? $1,000 less… fucking government.

As much as I want to burst into “Why Should I Worry?” As always, people suck. Or is it me? Did I mention green? The last time I checked, it wasn’t under my arms. But then, what is it then? If only I had more green in my wallet. I did the math today for an investment. If I took out what was owed, there would only be $1,700 in the savings, so (blank), please. You know what I meant to say. I wanted to go all Sho’Nuff from The Last Dragon. I should see The 1619 Project. I’ll admit I am worried about the USA but more about me. I’m pretty selfish. Puppies, pens, pleasures? I have a penis. Don’t Worry Your Life Away

736 Days Without B III, Day 177 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 213 ~Hard Enough, Hearts Have Cages~

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Life is hard. Don’t recommend. I died between seven and twenty-one. Then came Braxton. And for fifteen years, it was “stay alive.” Then I was free to die. Hell! If I wanted that, why not skip this funeral. But tomorrow… Hard Enough, Hearts Have Cages

Monday, January 30, 2023

Saga 213 ~Hard Enough, Hearts Have Cages~

Two-Hundred and Seventy-Seventh Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now… So what do you want to buy, you ask? A box? House, coffin, a place for Braxton?

My head hurts. I wish I could say it’s for Braxton. It should all be for B right this second. No such luck. I should be at the Day Job crying my eyes out to see my son die, Madam. But beside me sits a piece of black plastic and metal. I’m waiting to hear it ring about me “skipping” the Day Job today. To think I’d crave that place. “I don’t want to work….” Only I don’t want to go to my granddaddy’s funeral either. A man in a box… And honest to “God,” Madam. The only reason I’m going is that I don’t want to join in death… Fucking conflicted. Last night all I could think about was, “Free Your Mind.” “Bang, Bang”

In more ways than one, Madam. For now, let us focus instead on the boom, boom of a heart. But it should be my B’s heart. I look to my other side and see the box I put him in. Hell! I even moved Virgil out of the way. He’s sitting in Braxton’s room right now. If only he were Braxton, and that’s mean, I know. Again it was only last night Virgil crept out. Walking into the den, Virgil jumped up, wanting to cuddle. Did Virgil hear this heart? Broken? I keep saying that, but I can feel it pounding, and it will only get worse as the day goes on. There is no escape Madam. All last night I prayed for my death.

That’s something I’ll own. Or the “Bang, Bang” in my shorts. Fucking up this morning. Only it could be the guilt, fear, or anxiousness which also comes with masturbation. Yuck! Talk about something that should be kept surrounded by bones. Don’t you think so too? Skin and bones. Which appears even more likely when I see what I was getting back on the tax return. I won’t be boning anytime soon… that is if I paid for it. Working hard. Madam Justice, I wish I was today. It’s going to be a long day. But what about tomorrow, hmm? I put a better man in a box; my son Braxton. I can do without my head. My heart’s for Braxton. Hard Enough, Hearts Have Cages.

Chronicle 213 ~I’ll “B” Seeing You~
Gospel 213 ~Will “B” Seeing You~

729 Days Without B III, Day 170 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will