Tag: Fear

Log 291 ~Will The Adults Stand~

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Well, I’m not standing up for the adults that still read, or at least I didn’t try yesterday. I was much too busy reading my novel and when I could expect my check since I’m not at the Day Job. “Will The Adults Stand” and sit back down

Friday, April 17, 2020

Log 291 ~Will The Adults Stand~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, well at least $1,200 closer. Hell, I’ve gotten out of bed for a lot less, which is pretty sad. I’m right here, doing what I LOVE, and that means being wrapped up in blankets. At this moment, Lady Sophia, I’m planning on how I will waste the day. What’s stopping me right now from getting up and going to work at the dining room table? There’s this old quote I read about standing for something or falling for anything. So it’s in the spirit of that Lady Sophia that I will tell you what I’ll stand for… in a literal sense.

Take last night (It’s Wednesday) right now, but what am I reading? It’s not veterinarian bills; when I heard something fall and I went rushing to my kid. I read his little face every day. Again, right now, I got up and let him outside to pee. Speaking of protection, every morning. I pick up my gun, switch the magazines, and put it back down. I’m still reading up on gun ownership, and even YouTube has taken notice. Owning a weapon isn’t something you can only read and watch, but you have to do. There’s a training center here, and yet I lack the courage to go. I could blame the Coronavirus (COVID-19), but that would be like blaming the Day Job. I did mention I got the stimulus check today (April 15) tax day, of course. Still, I ordered my speedloader from Amazon, and you know I’m not going to Jim ‘N Nick’s after my last two humiliations. I like the fries, though, so…

I need to stand up; otherwise, I’ll lose myself to porn once again. Looking over my notes, it took eleven different things to make me break NO FAP, twelve counting the girl in my novel. The Eve of a Cherry, Lady Sophia that is something I’ll stand for, finishing it. I’m still eating and bathing, taking care of myself the bare minimum, and no, I’m not suicidal. It sucks, but I don’t want to have my ears clogged again for the most part. I might as well enjoy not hearing the humming anymore. To this day, I don’t know the cause or why it stopped. Is there anything else that gets me to stand… boobs?

Politics, Equality, Outage, a new book; Will The Adults Stand.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 290 ~Will’s Paining For Porn~

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The words are calling to me. Unfortunately, they are saying the same thing, and that doesn’t bode well when you are writing a book. Oh, is that what I’m doing until the stimulus check comes and what then. “Will’s Paining For Porn”

Thursday, April 16, 2020

Log 290 ~Will’s Paining For Porn~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and with that kind of money, I never want to feel pin again. Now, of course, I know this is impossible, but where do most of my FEARS come from? I’ve never been hurt sexually, not in any criminal sort of way. I indeed like spankings, don’t ask how I found that out. As the song goes, “scratches all down my back to keep me right on” that’s from Crazy Bitch. So today, I started out with the idea of Hard Limits and maybe next time, but my nature is Sadism. Though I’m still here hurting myself with No Fap.

I’m still writing my The Eve of a Cherry, and how many times have I written the word FUCK? Dirty Diana, I fear the day that word loses all meaning. The thing is, love hurts ME but fucking? I get to do that to someone else, so I pursue it relentlessly. For an added bonus, fucking isn’t killing. While I’m busy repeating that word ad nauseam, along with bitch, slut, whore, cum dumpster, and others.

I call women plenty, but even in my novel, there are words I avoid. So you know, I want to say them, but there’s a line you know. Calling a girl a Fat Bitch, a cow, or even a cunt. The words don’t sit well with me. Sometimes I want to yell them out, they’re sexy but the harm they could inflict? Am I only going to talk about language?

Like the difference between Rape and Ravishment? They can mean the same, but ravishment can be defined by other means in better ways. In The Eve of a Cherry, Bridgman has no problem with blackmail or threats. Harming someone physically, though, well until THE END…

In reality, I’m a dominant, I practice BDSM. Still, before you can go there, you must know SSC Safe Sane Consensual. Also RACK Risk-aware consensual kink. However, I’m not one for leather or whips, chains are good, but I prefer more everyday items. Belts, bras and panties, a few dildos to use on a girl. The pain, though, is more psychological than physical. Thus, in some specific ways more dangerous. That’s why I have to get to know a girl or a character. With no knowledge, there is no risk.

It’s kept me from paying for a lot of porn. No, Will’s Paining For Porn.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 289 ~The Mask Of Willy~

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Last week I talked about fearing to be different and not wanting to hide. All of this would explain not leaving the house and being wrapped up in blankets. At least my kid can see my face until I take a shower and get STUPID. The Mask Of Willy.

Wednesday, April 15, 2020

Log 289 ~The Mask Of Willy~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but is it because I’m doing something positive? Chris Rock said something to the tune of a black man must be positive. In this country, it must be all good works. Of course, white people can create, capitalize, or conquer whatever they want. Excuse me for getting a bit racial. What I’m getting at today is that even if I had everything, I couldn’t imagine smiling. Happiness has become that much of a foreign concept. Besides that, every day, it’s like I’m hiding, and someday it’s all going to come out.

Here I am in a world that wants us to literally wear a mask, but do I? No, I’m too afraid of one more humiliation. I hear about people being accused of being criminals. Indeed, I might get sick, but as long as I’m what? I don’t even know anymore, Inspector Echo. If there’s something I can be sure of, it’s that I’m all sorts of lazy. Right now, I’m all wrapped up in blankets, and I could give you a dozen or so lame excuses. Last night I had a coughing fit and thought I was getting sick. It was only something caught in my throat. Speaking of which, I continue to ask the question of why do I write. Could you imagine me singing like Akon to Cherry or M Anime? I text all the time, “I wanna (love) you, you already know.” Love… that’s a dirty word considering my true motives, so yeah, what’s this about masks.

My writing is a mask because I’m not a rich white guy. I also refuse to be a STUPID black one. Yeah, I heard what I said, and you would be right to call me an “Uncle Tom” like Surgeon General Jerome Adams. At least “The Eve of a Cherry” is fiction, for the most part. Sex makes me feel “decent,” but like any other drug, it becomes consuming. As of this moment, 2 days, 17 hrs., 48 min, 36 secs of NO FAP. Will I make it the week (today is Monday)? Inspector Echo, why don’t you tell me how one is to mask desire? I have rage sure, and Zorro hid behind this persona. I guess like going to the store I won’t wear the mask and the sickness is always there waiting.

I’m sorry, Inspector Echo, for FEAR, The Mask Of Willy.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 287 ~Your Words Must Pick Sides~

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Don’t say it, and I wish it was something like “Cowabunga.” My Olds spent much of my life telling me not to talk, and when I grew up making me speak, but I didn’t want to sound like them. I want my words to choose me. Your Words Must Pick Sides.

Monday, April 13, 2020

Log 287 ~Your Words Must Pick Sides~

Hundred And Thirty-Second Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now because my words chose me here and now. At least I wish because they didn’t last night; two hundred words for, The Eve of a Cherry. What was I talking about last night? Yes, my tongue remained silent as I was ripped apart by the world. It reminds me of something I’ve heard from the Bible. The sins of the fathers will be visited upon the children or something like that. I’m still not a Christian man, but I am the son of one. My “Father’s” words became the world’s words, and then my own Madam Justice.

“The mistakes of our fathers make us fight our brothers.”

Again, left off from yesterday, I pick the worst words hoping once written down, they’ll take mine. The things I say to hurt myself. I remember the book Sick Fux by Tillie Cole. Evil words Rabbit and Dolly used to pleasure themselves in bed together. They were the words of those who ravished them. Madam Justice, I again practice gratitude that I never knew such horrors. Still, when one knows a monster’s pain, how dare anyone ask me to rise above. Right there, why do I immediately fall from Man to Monster? I had one of those and a good Mother, and so I became ME. I’m always trying to define myself. These words, Madam Justice, they have power, I know. So what am I doing with such force when I’m not destroying myself daily?

I wish I spoke with more kindness and love when it comes to My Dæmon. Every morning I begin with one word, “NO.” At this rate, I should consider SLEEP a holy writ for myself. Of course, neither of those words help me in the slightest. Who else do I speak to nowadays? Marianne Engel from The Gargoyle had the stone, and I have the screen, but I understand her shackles. The great labors to form her grotesques. Here I haven’t even begun my work, too busy talking to you. That’s not a dig, it was only a decision when I needed to get out of bed. If anything, I want to believe in my words. To have that freedom, but they are sitting in limbo as the song goes. Haven’t I shown on more than one occasion my willingness to destroy them, quickly enough?

Misguided, misanthropic, and missing to become decided, disgusted, and discarded. Your Words Must Pick Sides.

“The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth” – African proverb.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 286 ~Will Raises A Roar~

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Easter Sunday, though you’ll see, I’m not a participant. However, I am trying to bury my anger. It will probably rise again whenever I decide to go out and see what’s left of the world, but right now, I feel like the Devil. “Will Raises A Roar.”

Sunday, April 12, 2020

Log 286 ~Will Raises A Roar~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, and when you are, as the song goes, Heads Will Roll. Now don’t shoot the messenger… with what, gun loading sucks. At the moment Academy sucks, Jim ‘N Nick’s BBQ, Walmart. Don’t take me as ungrateful, I do appreciate the essential workers. One of these days, I’m going to give you the full speech about why I think the Coronavirus (COVID-19) had to happen. Today though, I want to scream at everybody, well not the cashier at Walmart but a bad day.

Let me say that I am the first one that will take the blame. As messed up as I am, I will take the hit, that’s how you know you f*ed up, right. I wasted another day. When I got back, even the food wasn’t enough, and I needed a pink bra and a beautiful set of boobies. It didn’t start out that way, understand. I handled the books, ordered the speed loader. Somehow I even made a semi-decent mask. Of course, I didn’t wear it. What, did I roar, did I scream, did this apocalypse finally come to fruition? No people are people. Besides telling you my mindless ramblings, I didn’t even work on the book today. Okay, that may change, considering today is Friday. Still, what will any of this mean when it comes to, and I hate saying it, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 006 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
    Failed
  3. I AM Reviewing Twenty “GULP” Poems
    Failed
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
    Failed
  5. I AM Not Receiving Any Warnings From Norton About Security
    Failed
  6. I AM Writing 25,000 Words, Camp NaNoWriMo “The Eve of a Cherry”
    Failed

Not to sound like Cameron Tucker. The truth is I hated most of Modern Family but was kept “abreast” about it. I probably shouldn’t say it but Alex Dunphy/Ariel Winter’s boobies. Why do I keep talking about “Divine” boobies, because I had an epiphany? I was wondering why I wasn’t swearing at Jim ‘N Nick’s. I didn’t yell at Academy Sports. You know I was scared about talking about Necrophilia. What about how many times I mentioned my gun like I like the NRA? I don’t, or we don’t. Anyway, my writing is my ROAR. It’s how I curse the sky at whomever or whatever is up there. Even when there’s nothing at all. It’s me spitting on graves or dancing. Of course, it’s how I hurt myself the most with SIGH Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
  3. I AM Reviewing Twenty “GULP” Poems
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
  5. I AM Not Receiving Any Warnings From Norton About Security
  6. I AM Writing 25,000 Words, Camp NaNoWriMo “The Eve of a Cherry”

There’s this country song “If I Die Young” which says it best. For now, while my hands are busy in some disgusting ways. In my throat, Will Raises A Roar.

“A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
They’re worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you’re dead how people start listenin”’ ―If I Die Young

I Will Have No Fear

Log 285 ~Brinks And Will’s Security~

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I’m on the brink of losing my mind, between blogging, writing my novel, or a little thing called “The End of the World,” or not. President *Censored* was banking on Easter, literally but nope. Brinks and Will’s Security.

Saturday, April 11, 2020

Log 285 ~Brinks And Will’s Security~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now. Well, you would think with that kind of money as the song goes, “I told that muthafucka, I ain’t never scared.” My apologies for the language, but that’s only my self-censorship. Does anybody ever say there’re on the BRINK of something good? It’s like how fortune-tellers only ever give good news. Today this is supposed to be Coronavirus (COVID-19) eve. Now I’m no Christian, but this all won’t be over by Easter I know it. Anyway, I can’t say I’m on the Edge of Glory either.

Most days, Lady Lu, I’m at the cusp of breaking down. Am I going to make another bullshit excuse? Again I’m sorry, but it’s as if I’m worn down no matter how much I sleep. How I kept going for so long is beyond me. Wednesday night, I swore I was going to wake up early, and there I was awake in the dark. I made the conscious decision to fall back asleep and annoy My Dæmon. You would think I would be happier, and he would be as well. I’m still mad about time, and every moment I sit down to write, he wants something. Of course, I’m getting a “release” in the shower. If anything, I’m ticked off for doing so. The thing is, do you remember when I was all about Asian girls? For the longest time, it’s been brunettes and now blondes. I should stop watching Oni Chichi Rebirth. Don’t look that up, Lady Lu, please.

I’m getting more comfortable having my gun around, but it’s dangerous. The last time I spent so much money, it was car repair. Before that, it was women. Regardless it looks like a Blaze of Glory, but I’m always on the verge of something. How about The Eve of a Cherry? I keep saying it, but even if I finish it, what then? I have to work on GULP, and I have all the time in the world, but how many days has it been. What time is it right now? No, it’s not the end of the world Lady Lu? When it’s not my art, what about fun? I have two unfinished games that I have no clue how to play anymore. I’m at the end of Sex Zombies, at the threshold of finishing.

Reasons to live perhaps, but that’s Brinks And Will’s Security.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 284 ~Hand It To Will~

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So what of expansion, arsenals, amorous lovers, art of my excuses etc. The novella at this point was 19,000 words but where am I at right now. Is it the eve of the end of the world, still in bed, some story I should be reading. “Hand It To Will”

Friday, April 10, 2020

Log 284 ~Hand It To Will~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and that’s because I keep my hands busy. Now I know I’m still not writing as much as I should. Lady Sophia, there was a time I was heavy into the Young Adult genre. Of course, that changed with Fifty Shades of Grey… 50 Million copies.

Yeah, I’m putting that out there because you know there are people who want to yell like Jay Sherman. It Stinks! Speaking of The Critic, I have added on to The Eve of a Cherry, but like I said, counting up the words that I don’t write. Last night I made it to 100 only to say that I had written something down. I talked about my newest obsession yesterday, and that’s what I was counting up. No more guns yet but plenty of bullets. Don’t get me wrong I’ve been reading up on all the responsibilities of owning a weapon. I’m also still reading Sex Zombies by S. Wolf. We should be so lucky, Lady Sophia, but no, there’s only people getting sick. Is it worse to be ill in body or in mind, I wonder? I feel fine, but it might no longer be the end of the world, not quite yet anyway.

Again I’ve been lost in plenty of pages. It looks like my country is going to get a smidge better or a lot worse now that Bernie Sanders dropped out of the race. You know I’m not one for politics, but I’m not one for people dooming us all either. Between you and me, I want to go back to my story though I was struggling. At least my sex fiends are fiction, but what about the fantasies? It’s things like the state of the world that make me feel as though I’m a great writer. So writing, women, and weapons, and when I’m not working on any of that? Well, I should stop writing about becoming a better father and simply be for My Dæmon. Keeping both of us safe isn’t that what I’m doing, hmm? If I had tentacles, paws, a mace for a hand like Aaron on The Walking Dead. No, I need to count up the excuses and fear to press the right or wrong buttons.

Within these hands, Lady Sophia lies a writer’s strength. The world is yours/mine, Lady Sophia, so Hand It To Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 283 ~Will Of The Dead~

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It’s the face, isn’t it, when I’m writing out the nice guy routine that works extremely well but then what happens? I’ve always figured I would use the zombie apocalypse to date outside my league but alas no “Walkers.” Will of The Dead

Thursday, April 9, 2020

Log 283 ~Will Of The Dead~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so of course, I would make this movie, “Will of the Dead.” Hell, I hunger for brains and flesh too, but of those two, definitely, I’m all for skin. For the record as the song goes, “I, got a fetish for fuckin you witcha skirt on.” Now, Dirty Diana, you have to excuse me for speaking to you at this late hour. It seems I have gained a new fetish of sorts, to quote another song, “Diamonds and Guns, Diamonds and Guns.” Only for me, it’s Boobies and Guns, Boobies and Guns. I’m being serious.

Necrophilia (Noun) ― sexual intercourse with or attraction towards corpses.

Now since I know, I’m not afflicted by that… will we go over my “Red Dawn” fantasy again? Two redheads or any girls at this point come to my place to escape The Purge. We have fun, but I decide I want to watch a Purge, so the two girls fight. What do I do with the loser? Okay, seeing as how I got your attention, I’m still thinking about that Realdoll giveaway I entered. I swear I was ready to grab up a Piper Doll for a little bit. After my story to Earth Erotic sigh, what should I spend my money on? Dirty Diana, this explains where I’ve been. I’ve talked about my new gun all this week, like some NRA cunt nugget. Anyway, I was overcome wanting to look at an AR-15 and a shotgun. A pistol scares the crap out of me, and I want bigger.

I’ll spare you the “Bang, Bang You’re Dead” script before I get to high school. To be fair, any high school teen could beat my novel, which I haven’t worked on all day. It could be having to cut the grass and deal with my Olds. Another excuse would be I regret what I did to Anna Cecilia Fae. Don’t panic! She’s a character in my story, which is looking more like a porno or a snuff film. Out of fifteen female characters, only five are fucking the Grim Reaper so far. Yeah, it’s literally beginning to look like that Hentai “Dark Shell.” If anything, that’s my saving grace. Breaking NO FAP sadly but trading shooting one thing for another. I should try shooting some words on the damn page.

Is that what I want, to keep writing, what is the Will of the Dead.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 282 ~Will To Be Different~

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Worse advice I’ve ever received, be yourself, the best advice is the same, and I haven’t erased such speeches from my motivations yet. People don’t want me to be myself, they want me to be a particular version, and so I try. Will To Be Different

Wednesday, April 8, 2020

Log 282 ~Will To Be Different~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now. Unless I invested in the WWE or my porno fixation. How about I buy-in with that drug Trump’s hocking? For now, the only number I’m “obsessed” with is how long I’ve kept it in my pants. Well’s there an App, of course, but a friend introduced me to a much better one. I still hate Math, but numbers, time, word counts, lists make me feel better. So as per usual, anything that makes me feel good is wrong or at least different, so here we go.

Inspector Echo, you know that gun I just bought that’s freaking me out? To quote the movie Snowpiercer (2013), “They’ve got no bullets!” Now it’s not like the store was out entirely, but I lacked the courage to pick some or gasps ask. I wish I could tell you that’s the only reason, I haven’t been sleeping, I did order some Saturday night though. Why I’m not sleeping, well Girls, Girls, Girls. From Whitney Wright to Lily Bowman, Little Lupe, the list goes on. I’m amazed I’ve lasted at present (8 days, 21 hr, 57 min, and 15 sec). I’ve mentioned FEAR, or let’s say general embarrassment, and you know what I’ve been harping over. It’s that lady that was yelling at me because I have to grow accustomed to the Coronavirus (COVID-19) world. Even in a blooming apocalypse, I continue to be the odd man out; give me zombies.

Well, even if the universe did, would I be upset that I was alive instead of dead? I would go get myself bitten because I don’t like how the Walkers are looking at me. I’m not scared of getting sick, I fear not having a mask and looking out of place. How messed up is that? Not more than writing a book that no one will ever read. I’ve written 10,000 more words for The Eve of Cherry, and not one of them will be published. Only I keep on writing about a wide arrange of girls I’m not with. My hands aren’t in my pants, so isn’t that a win. Win William Bridgman, one of my protagonists or antagonists, I’m not sure. It’s like trying to count up how many “adult” scenes I’ve written out. How many people side with sex over some murders?

I’m sorry, Inspector Echo, such fears Will To Be Different.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 280 ~Time Is A Cruel Bastard~

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What time is it? I swore I lost my watch yesterday, so I spent $15.00 buying a new one, and what was hiding under my seat? What I even left the house for? Woke up this mornin’, got yourself a gun. “Time Is A Cruel Bastard” and what it’s making me… hm

Monday, April 6, 2020

Log 280 ~Time Is A Cruel Bastard~

Hundred And Thirty-First Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I don’t have to go out. Well, at least until; my would you look at the time. As always, Madam Justice, like Professor Hulk, “Time Travel!” “Time, time, time, see what’s become of me,” as the song goes. In all these years, even minute to minute, I’m changing, rearranging, and estranging the man I am. From the one I want to be or have to, I’m not sure. So if you wouldn’t call me a bastard, then what am I.

A gun owner for starters. Now I started to say something, but I signed paperwork yesterday. You know how Cherry has me afraid someone is reading this currently. Anyway yeah, I stood in line for hours to as the song goes, “Woke up this mornin’ Got yourself a gun.” I’m a pervert, but that’s always been the truth. Whitney Wright was talking about “FREE PORN’ on Brazzers, so of course, I’m in. Minutes after, I looked up one of her films first, “Wh*re Tornado.” Before you get mad, you should consider what I usually look up as time goes by. It gets darker, more depraved, or even disgusting. I feel sick, but not because of that. No, it’s not the Coronavirus (COVID-19) either. It’s the feeling I got when I first picked up my gun. I want my zombies Madam Justice. Only this is the first time I’ve held a tool that has but one encompassing purpose in this world.

I’m a father, but what have I done for My Dæmon lately? He has his food, his meds, comfy spots, but in all this time, I’m still not the Dad I should be for him. Case and point I should have talked to you earlier and be playing with him now. One more morning of cutting off my alarm. How about the fact that I’m still alone? The two women I talked to yesterday and I’m upset about the one that stopped me at the door to the store. Madam Justice, that interaction will haunt me for the next week. I’m a writer, and then I’m not because; how many words did I write yesterday. I didn’t even reach the quota because of all the lines I was standing in because instead of life, what?

Munitions, masks, my monster in my pants, how I know, Time Is A Cruel Bastard.

I Will Have No Fear