Tag: Fear

Lesson 095 ~Wanna Meet A Ghost~

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Why do people believe in ghosts, God, and I suppose guns help with both but I’m not being political here, I just really saw a ghost. Wanna Meet A Ghost, trust me you’re not prepared and I surely wasn’t so why would you believe me right

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Lesson 095 ~Wanna Meet A Ghost~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear and I was never one to build a snowman but I am one to meet a ghost or so I thought I did today or at least I saw one.

Would you truly like to know how to figure out you’re alive… you’re the one being haunted, you feel fear, and it’s rare for zombies to eat their own; yeah we’ll come back to that sooner or later. You feel your heart race, your blood runs cold, and then there is the good old flight or fight response, but I took a path more like Tom Petty, I swear I’m on a death kick really. Haven’t we all been Lady Lu, why is it that we only truly appreciate life so near death, I mean have I been eager to die… I know the euphoria of a failed suicide attempt after I’m not puking green for most of the day.

Anyway so about this ghost, Scrooge will be the first one to tell you that ghost aren’t exactly ones for manners, hell I could even convince myself maybe I didn’t see anyone at all but I know I did. What would I have said, the good news is I’ve pretty much forgotten what was scaring me so and then boom, a sign that I was a bad man, best not to dwell on it right?

I never pictured myself as a ghost and you know my views on reincarnation but I feel like one of those villains in “Ghost” except all I want to do is survive. Again this is true of all of us, look at you Luna at least I can hear you and I didn’t have to die, sounding crazy but that’s pretty relative in this day and age. Does one even have to die to be a ghost, every moment, every decision, every day we are born again, trying to become better than we were yesterday and that never just goes away, we are haunted by the people we were, are, and could be and so we learn to live again.

Free speech for the living, dead men tell no tales

So what have I learned today, more like another question should I open my eyes and listen, didn’t help in “Pulse”, should I run, I stood my ground today but who knows what tomorrow will bring, Wanna Meet A Ghost?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 093 ~And The Sun Rises~

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How many knew they had watched their last sunrise and how many of those have I regretted, that I wish I didn’t have to see if anything I should be more grateful to be sure. “And The Sun Rises”, maybe tomorrow, maybe the day after, who knows

Monday, October 2, 2017

Lesson 093 ~And The Sun Rises~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear, you got to remember to keep your head up, and yes that is going in the rule book but speaking of which there are exceptions and one of those is when you’re being shot at. I swear I don’t know what is going on with the world today and how many times have I said, I’m not cut out for politics but to think my biggest problem this morning was I couldn’t keep my head up around this construction guy and then a few minutes later I learned there had been yet another shooting; some people will never raise their heads again and I’m complaining?

Death does not frighten me Lady Lu, of course you know this, I was in my car yesterday “Just Cruisin’” and the thought that if there was a button that could end my life so easily I’d probably push it. Suicidal tendencies as always but I’m doing pretty okay for just being human… when did I start explaining myself to you especially since I want to start writing today? As this Walmart greeter said, any day above ground right, and as we have discussed before just because so many others have it worse right now doesn’t make my problems any less valid and yes I am grateful, though I’m always saying that about my day job and that’s fear talking.

Speaking of fear talking, I was watching Fear The Walking Dead last night and this lady made Alicia promise that she wouldn’t make decisions based on fear and we know that’s my bread and butter. Also, a note, don’t let me buy bread and butter pickles anymore those things are gross but what does any of this have to do with today’s lesson? I was thinking that the sun isn’t scared to rise and neither is the moon, how about Braxton, how about any of those people who were at that concert just living life?

No, Luna, I don’t owe you a damn thing even remembering how we got back to talking, I don’t owe any bitch if anything I owe Braxton, but my point is that it’s a new day and what am I going to do with it, why fear it at all? So what have we learned besides the fact that sometimes I feel immortal or I’m dead and in Hell, and other times I know I need to get to work because I’m still here Lady Lu And The Sun Rises?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 090 ~You’re Never Full Dressed~

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Smiling hurts but when you choose to be the hero or even the villain, that’s exactly what you’re signing up for pain; everyone is fighting and smiling about it. “You’re Never Fully Dressed” without a smile as the song goes why my cape is a bedsheet.

Friday, September 29, 2017

Lesson 090 ~You’re Never Full Dressed~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear and no smile either but instead a question; what is the purpose of a cape for the internet can be quite obtuse or maybe that’s just me to be sure.

I think I told you before I never really buy clothes, in fact, the last time I actually went clothes shopping was when I didn’t comply with the dress code at work and “Indiana Gone” keeps me decked out in black t-shirts; weird for a girl that can’t keep her clothes on. What about the fact that she’s always wearing a smile for me which in a way leaves her better off; when’s the last time I’ve worn a genuine smile or she’s just bias, other people not so much. A smile is just part of the mask I wear, hell damn near a necessity, you wear a coat because it’s cold, I wear a hoodie because it helps, I wear a smile to not get fired or to pretend.

So back to my original question what is the purpose of a cape, I must admit I like the idea of “cloak and dagger” you can hide a weapon, you can protect yourself with one arm, you can protect your identity. When I say that think about how both heroes and some villains have adapted it and while I don’t have any real respect for bullfighters you have these skinny guys hiding soft flesh behind a cape, the bull obviously would think he’s stronger. It might help me look more like a gentleman, as much as I would like some girl to start wearing my plaid shirts, my jacket, or want to steal my hoodie all I have is my smile but you don’t know how hard it is Luna.

Dr. Strange wears the Cloak of Levitation, but my cape, this freaky ass smile as Negan would say, allows me just to stand and then to put that smile on other people’s faces as they tear me down… You want to know why I don’t have to buy anything, my bedsheets are my new cape, and writing to you is slightly easier and how about my music, can I fly?

So what have I learned today because no Lady Luna I can’t fly, despite a new follower here or there, or how these words fly… no, they crash but at least I don’t have to speak them because we know right You’re Never Fully Dressed.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 089 ~An Ancient Willie Secret~

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I go back and forth between remembering everything and trying to forget, it’s a thin line between love and hate as the song goes but for now, I just want to forget last night but when and how? “An Ancient Willie Secret”, and I forgot him too

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Lesson 089 ~An Ancient Willie Secret~

Hey Lady Lu
No fear, at least there wasn’t when I sat in “alternative” school until the police came, or the time I hadn’t eaten for three days, slowly starving myself, or even the time things were said and I discovered what she really thought of me. The art of forgetting is an ancient secret, I forget it as soon as the deed as done but after last night I could surely use it now and remind me to write it down… if I’m here.

“Sharing is caring. Privacy is theft. Secrets are lies.” ― Dave Eggers, The Circle (2013)

This is one of those times, I really have to debate what to tell you Lady Lu, we should be safe here, trust me I’m trying to rally the funds but of course, that’s not what this is about. I did something last night and I could tell you but honestly, I’m not even sure I’ll be here should I ever gather the courage… no, I’m not thinking suicide again but I could be in trouble which gets me back on topic. We talked yesterday about turning your back on the problem or whining about something while people are so much worse off than me.

So you want to know how I forget, I read until early in the morning and when I can’t keep my eyes open anymore I disappear into the sheets. I demand everything to be clean “cleanliness is next to Godliness” or so they say, it’s as if to say if my environment is clean my body, my books balanced, everything in its proper place, then perhaps my mind won’t be nearly as filthy. What about going back to Co-Ed Confidential ‘vote with your crotch’ how often have I told you I’m lost, your mind can trick you, your heart can be broken, and let’s not get started on guts but your naughty bits always know what they want, don’t they.

Remember when Playboy was as secret as it got, R.I.P. Hugh Hefner; Playboy is a way of life but we all still have secrets. Maybe, Luna, that’s how I do it every time, I reinvent myself, I have talked about hitting rock bottom but Heaven has spheres, Hell has circles and I just crash through level upon level, destroying myself so that I can keep these secrets and still stand.

So what have I learned today, it’s been nearly twelve hours since another sin, no police at the door but maybe today or tomorrow, probably might survive these days of sapphire, hell this could all be in my mind. Secrets are heavy Lady Lu and if I forget what has happened by some miracle it will still be there but I keep surviving but how, why An Ancient Willie Secret.

“So you have to care about yourself.

You don’t have to believe your life is precious, but that all life is precious.

You have to redirect those thoughts, the history that tells you otherwise.

What we’ve done, we’ve done.

We evade it by moving forward with a code to never do it again.

To make up for it.

To still accept what we were.

To accept everyone.

To protect everyone.

And in doing that, protect yourself.

To create peace.” Here’s Not Here, The Walking Dead

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 087 ~Poor Pasts Poetry Protests~

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What do I am the NFL have in common… not a thing but many have chosen silence to make the loudest statement, almost illegal to be black or even an American you, know those not backing the KKK, the Nazis, or the Confederacy. Poor Pasts Poetry Protests

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Lesson 087 ~Poor Pasts Poetry Protests~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear but as you can see plenty to say though I don’t know how much I’ll get t, one day I’ll have all the time in the world but as I told “Indiana Gone” my future simply revolves around a lot of money. Am I that poor in everything else or that rich, the more things change the more they stay the same; I still think money will fix everything, more to the point power will.

Past and present Lady Lu, I was reminded of “The Harm of a Cookie” now was that free speech or me being a pervert, personally a little bit of both but what was the harm? Yeah I know I was being pretty bad back then but who have I ever harmed, well besides myself, we’ve had these conversations about freedom, art, rage, somewhere in our eighty-seven conversations together and what does it all mean? If I say I’m trying to find myself that just makes me sound a whole lot worse truth or not and maybe today I’m trying to find something to stand for or kneel as the case maybe nowadays, remind me to tune into “The Daily Show”.

Knights kneel and then rise, swearing to protect a better world and these days the world is crap so how can anyone be asked to rise and serve it, these protests *sigh* did soldiers die so that Trump can destroy all they have sacrificed for. Nazi flags displayed prominently, the Confederacy celebrated, the rich getting richer, the poor being villainized, and it is a song that gets everyone riled up and they don’t understand. I’m not politico mastermind Luna but my poetry was/is my protest against my own silence, some of it anyway and like everything about me, it just wasn’t right, and my point?

Yeah I probably should have thought more about that but in this country, it’s damn nearly illegal to be black and I’m more concerned that it is illegal to be me, what do I always say, impossible, immoral, illegal, and insane? Men rose and fell to defend freedom and now there are those who stand to deny it for some if not all, while others kneel in defiance of this country, perhaps world gone mad.

What have I learned today, other than I finally have a reason to respect the NFL, personally I’m still letting some words get to me and not speaking, thinking, feeling my Poor Pasts Poetry Protests?

Lesson 086 ~You Have The Guts~

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In the words of Mystik Spiral “when I hate your guts, we’ll still be freakin’ friends” but how about all the times I spill my guts and the fact that my guts really hurt right now for another reason other than fear maybe… “You Have The Guts”

Monday, September 25, 2017

Lesson 086 ~You Have The Guts~

Hey Lady Lu
No fear, I mean there is no organ for it and yet it always finds a place doesn’t it, at least until we meet the end and then like any other disease we pass it on. I swear when did guts become the bravest part of our anatomy, guts are usually the worst for me, but fear does a bit of everything.

I heard someone say once, “it’s a disease this thing called love, and I know how dangerous it can be” of course that can go for all manner of things, hope, hatred, and of course fear. The guts only serve as a good excuse for not proceeding, it would be easy enough to say that if I have a stomachache then I should press on because nine times out of ten it’s only fear working its sway. Why does it choose the guts though, of all the pain I feel I wonder if it the guts that hurt the most, is there a better way to stop me, I wonder?

Allow me not to be selfish and think about the rest of the world, the fear of some, the hatred of others, talk about being weak in the knees but these men, football players kneeling to protest are not weak at all. Those people running their mouths, vomiting up their fears hidden behind such hatred, they have no guts at all, those who fear so many men on their knees. For everyone I wonder what experiences shape us, you know I like to quote After Earth plenty Luna but these fears must start somewhere right.

Is that why fear chooses our guts because there is just so much, and it is so easy to hide that even we won’t admit we’re afraid; then again how about those people who say we have guts, more guts than fear maybe. Spill your guts, hate your guts, listen to your gut, is it any wonder we’re so confused and the only relief is spilling each other’s guts all over the place.

I’m still all Co-Ed Confidential, vote with your crotch but because I’m not doing anything in that department I’m really feeling my guts at the moment but is that fear or stupidity? From what I have learned today, it’s a bit of both but in the end Luna I must accept the truth and say it with me You Have The Guts.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 085 ~Can’t We Be Heroes~

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It’s a thin line, a blurred line, is there even a line at all between heroes and villains, especially in this day and age and I could go on and on about this but I rather talk about a recent movie night, selfish maybe? “Can’t We Be Heroes”.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Lesson 085 ~Can’t We Be Heroes~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear, but that doesn’t make anyone a hero, especially someone like me though, I’ve had that one day in high school or maybe two. I’ve talked plenty about evolution, I’ve said that a man must stand for something and while this requires a solid foundation that I’m still searching for, roots are never in straight lines.

Already confusing myself, okay so last night “Indiana Gone” and I are having an “Alternative Heroes” movie night “Blankman”, “Kick-Ass”, “Kick-Ass 2” but we didn’t get to “Mystery Men” any way we noticed something. In the tradition of the normal heroes, all these heroes and villains were orphans or lost at least in part, those they cared for. Probably the greatest service I have done my parents since I couldn’t stop my birth is sworn off ever becoming a hero.

Why would anyone want to be a hero honestly at this rate; the only benefits I’ve seen are you’re guaranteed to end up lonely and even with that someone will always want you… at least you’re thought about at all really. One of my rules is ‘Satisfaction, The Death of Desire” and personally I always want to stay hungry, I always want more, and I would always feel alive because do heroes fear death, I know villains always believe that time is short. Heroes can be loved and hated, maybe even feared and the same can be said of villains but there is always more for a villain, a hero loses something and hell it can end them like that.

Speaking of love, from a dominant standpoint I have said you can have trust without love, but you can’t have love without trust and while I have not turned my back on love entirely, a dominant and a submissive can have a relationship without it. I’m also not saying dominants are bad by any means though I know how people look at the lifestyle and at least the goal is to keep a submissive from true harm in the end.

A hero though gets closer to a hero and you’re pretty much signing up for trouble, and more to the point, who and what I am accepts this because I’m no hero. Something I know and I didn’t have to learn but it never hurts to practice but just for one day, maybe, possibly, sometimes, *sigh*, Can’t We Be Heroes.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 082 ~Waiting to See It~

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What are you waiting for, Ellie Goulding doesn’t have to wait for anything but I am waiting for the worst possible outcome at every single given opportunity. Waiting to See It, Pennywise doesn’t scare me so much as my wasted life.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Lesson 082 ~Waiting to See It~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear but wait for it, doesn’t it always return; maybe I will feel better when the days of “Sapphire” have ended but again I’m waiting. I wonder when was the last time I waited for something besides the ending of a mental health crisis to come to a conclusion, and I suppose Amazon leaves something to look forward to a bit.

I’ve been thinking about when doom became the end of it, always waiting for the end to arrive which seems constant, a ticket I couldn’t pay, for sleeping pills to take effect, losing my job, not like those kids in Stephen King’s “It” but yeah everything seems to be life or death. What about disappointment, I guess my nap truly didn’t do anything for me this afternoon, just another sign of the times. Even getting off work, I tell myself that things are going to get better, I’ll be more productive and it’s more a case of, I’ll do better next time every single day.

What happened to those days when I couldn’t sleep, not because I was afraid but because I was excited, these days I either work until I can’t think anymore or I fall asleep in seconds, talk to “Indiana Gone” about my texting, in less than three minutes I can be gone for the night. I do remember a Christmas Eve, here or there where my sister and I couldn’t sleep and we would wake up in the dark going to get our presents and then it grew later and later, now it doesn’t matter, wake up, walk Braxton, another day, Recently I’ve been thinking about this new place Luna, my empire and having to fund it, to be seen and heard but wouldn’t that just bring back all the fear?

It wasn’t so bad now was it, giving up the poem a day in exchange for the rules and if we didn’t have our conversations who would even know or care, I would actually be surprised if one person knew I was missing from our old stomping grounds. The thing is this place should have already been unveiled, grand opening but no, I’m still waiting and I can’t afford that, even if this is the month of Sapphire it’s wasted.

So what have I learned today, maybe there truly is a reason I’m sitting here, just Waiting to See It.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 081 ~The Black Suits Comin’~

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I wear my heart on my sleeve they say but nobody saw a thing, here I am supposedly trying to speak up and at the same time be invisible but which do you think I chose today? “The Black Suits Comin’” the government, the mourners, the gravediggers heh?

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Lesson 081 ~The Black Suits Comin’~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear, no tears, some dirt but at least I’ve stopped burying myself, I sort of had to or else I would be getting no sleep tonight, I had things to deal with. I always feel like I’m repeating myself but “Every Day Is Exactly The Same” and on that note have I ever told you I’m not a prophet and then there are nights like last.

“I am not a prophet, but sometimes I have prophetic dreams, like the one where I was at a garden party.” Huey Freeman, The Boondocks

Didn’t I say something about paranoia or maybe I have something like a “God Complex” and I’m not even sure what that is in the traditional sense but all writers think themselves God at one moment or another. It’s more a “Messiah Complex” with Braxton around, haven’t I talked about being the villain, more often than not but when it comes to a couple of pounds of fluff, I’m a hero every day. Now, what was the point I was trying to make… okay, I believe that someone always has their eyes on me even when this morning I was more so trying to embrace the idea of being invisible.

I mean you can’t fire an invisible man can you but on the same token I could have had the week off from work but the squeaky wheel gets the grease as they say, so much for being invisible. So what led to this, the lesson, before I woke up this morning, I think I was dreaming or I was half awake, I’m not sure, it’s five minutes before the alarms start buzzing and my body is on edge. Anyway, the only part I remember is one of the managers told me I had to talk to “Big Brother” because I was under investigation about something, have you been blabbing?

“You know when you have a dream and you’re half-awake, but still in the fringe of your brain, and when you open your eyes you’re so damn glad it was a dream?

This was nothing like that.” Wesley, Wanted (2008)

Isn’t that the whole point, to be seen, and why do I find black so ominous and so comforting at the same time Lady Lu, it explains why I like my women wearing bright colors though I like a woman that would match me too. How does the story end; I go and talk to “Big Brother” about being on the schedule and chances are I will end up working next week but at least I still have my job.

So what have I learned today, keep my mouth shut, I’m so busy trying to avoid being seen that I put myself out there and now The Black Suits Comin’?

Lesson 080 ~Keep Calm, the Epidemic~

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I would say I’m tired of trying to “Keep Calm”, stay afraid okay, keep sane, well I like to pretend, but how about “Stay Alive” one move night will be The Hunger Games but calm wow. Keep Calm the Epidemic, the world I don’t think is able to

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Lesson 080 ~Keep Calm, the Epidemic~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear and yet there has been no release but didn’t we discuss yesterday that it does not make sense to ignore the fear, acknowledge it, accept it, and then do what you must. Sometimes though, I feel… it is more a curse nowadays “feeling” but I feel and of every emotion, I seek to own, calm is one of those that alludes me except when sleeping.

It’s as if I’m in a rush to the graveyard and “afraid” that there will not be a spot for me, keeping in mind my day job makes me feel dead already but without it, I would actually be, some people might call that obsessive wouldn’t you agree? You know I have been simply trying to survive these days of “Sapphire” and I nearly have, until today I felt I was gaining control and now… Honestly today I was again practicing my speech which would be all rant, tell me this why does my daily life, give me everything but calm, indeed why don’t you tell me how zombies feel.

How should “Laura” feel in the movie “Dogging: A Love Story/Public Sex “when she was surrounded by all those men who were seeking to “ravish” her when all she truly desire was to be with “Dan”? How about, well there was such a cavalcade of characters in “Virgin Territory” but I would not call one of them calm, there world made it no reason to be. What about “Day of the Dead”, after you see some of the stuff that they had to go through, the idea of being calm, okay, safe, just goes out the window, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Butch: “You okay?”

Marsellus: “Naw man. I’m pretty fuckin’ far from okay.” Pulp Fiction (1994)

I guess as you can see I had another movie night with “Indian Gone” but my point is how does anyone keep calm in such circumstances, drugs, coffee, and as I said sleep which means I can’t even enjoy what calmness I happen to find. Just so you realize how stupid I sound, what brought on this tirade, simply put I didn’t see my name on the work schedule for next week and I’m all about conspiracy, what gives hmm…

“Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean people aren’t following me.” Harlan, Eight Legged Freaks (2002)

So what have I learned today, other than I live voraciously through others, making my life seem insignificant and then again if anything were to happen to this lifestyle of mine, Keep Calm the Epidemic?

I Will Have No Fear