Tag: Fear

Lesson 120 ~Open Up, Say Ahh~

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The good news is I didn’t have to do much talking today but then again seeing as how people talk to signify their own lives I wonder how much longer I’ll last, maybe I should go see a doctor or not. Open Up, Say Ahh

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Lesson 120 ~Open Up, Say Ahh~

To Will:
No Fear, open up, say ahh when you have no choice but to figure things out for yourself, “Adulting” is hard and only getting harder and there’ll be days when you have to ask some older adults but for today appreciate the win. Also don’t be so quick to jump to the worse possible outcome, it keeps you alive but the anxiety only gets worse; easier said than done but don’t play WebMD whenever you can avoid it.

Open up, say ahh, to new experiences, today wasn’t much of one but how long did you listen to the “Sick Fux” playlist, if only every day you could feel like you did when “ My Boy Lollipop” was playing, something for the future wife to sing? Speaking of new experiences, when are you going to start going out again, it would be something if you were actually working but since you’re not… It can also be said since you’re not going to the doctor anytime soon, open up, say would be better served in some bedroom play perhaps ha?

Now, what was it I said about imaging the worst case scenario, which might actually be something if you weren’t enjoying being kept away from the group, working by yourself, and it makes it much easier not to be a caveman when there is nobody to talk to. Open, up, say ahh when you actually do learn something new, how often do you find yourself having the same, comfortable conversation but really what else is there with some people ad the dog? Yes, sometimes it actually is better that you keep your mouth shut during certain occasions because soon you’ll have to talk just because.

No, I don’t mean Halloween, I can’t tell you how you’re going to feel come that day and if anything you might be afraid for all the wrong reasons. One more day out of the year but today was too damn easy considering what I expected and when work gets easy, beware is the rule of thumb or has been.

I don’t know whether to tell you to be a better man, just a man, or just to stay alive but every day you should always strive to be better but not all at once, you might look in the mirror one day and not recognize the man you are, all Open Up, Say Ahh.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 116 ~Mercy Prevail Over Wrath~

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My mercy prevails over my wrath or more like my fear because God help me if I have such confidence to express such anger other than slapping myself in the face over everything I feel. Mercy Prevail Over Wrath, from the Koran and The Walking Dead

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Lesson 116 ~Mercy Prevail Over Wrath~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear but how much anger will it take to drive it all out because I’m not sure I have enough, it may never be enough and why should I wish it to be? Maybe a better question would be why I feel such hatred anyway, is it hatred, and still why.

I might have mentioned to Lady Luna how much I despise being late, though I wasn’t late and this is for my day job which sickens me enough that body actually rejects anything for breakfast. Is it the fact that I’m so weak, you know if it came to writing a novel on my weakness it might be a few pages less than my fear? Am I angry that I am again found so inadequate, so worthless, that anybody can just be thrown into my job, or is it the fact that I’m so voiceless that my presence must be announced to the whole building because I can’t tell one guy that I didn’t get a phone call to come in and work earlier today.

Is it the fact that I want to hate one guy and yet if he were promoted over me if he became the boss as I said before if you can’t love and you don’t wish to hate, understand and that I do. Only that doesn’t erase jealously which again stokes my ire and something else I must apologize for “males shouldn’t be jealous, that’s a female trait” in the immortal words of Jay-Z but doesn’t that make me sound sexist. Hell, a word in the vocabulary I wish I could erase at the moment “SEX’ I am so weak, I am so tired, and not even sleep helped, but if it doesn’t, like duct tape you just need more.

I become more like my father which both scares me and angers me, disguise fair nature with rage right, hate the whole damn world and hide such fear and self-loathing but being in his head might be scarier than my own… nah. Isn’t that who I should apologize to most of all, myself, this is what this is all about isn’t it, apologizing for my past sins but today it’s just might anger and since I’m going in tomorrow I’ll have plenty more reasons to be sorry, going at all.

So I am sorry Inspector Echo, wish I could say I won’t ever hate myself, that my anger will dissipate but like Rick Grimes, I ask only this for tomorrow may Mercy Prevail Over Wrath.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 114 ~Now The Work Can Begin~

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“You need to get up, get out and get something” as the song goes but why can’t I just be inspired by myself, I could quote forever on what it takes to be somebody but when it comes to my body I rather sleep. Now The Work Can Begin because I’m up

Monday, October 23, 2017

Lesson 114 ~Now The Work Can Begin~

Third Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, and when I find a way to somehow believe that or find the courage to overcome, not just for a moment, a day, or when my favorite badass song comes on. Not when I’m mad enough to want to burn the whole world down and in so doing end up destroying my own work out of that fear.

The work begins when I stop hating myself for everything, how I make excuses or my how I want to apologize, how about signing anyway my name for stuff I couldn’t care less about. Hating the man I have grown to be in front of so many others, I hate him as much as much as the man I want to be and what about the man I am at this moment. Fear and hate take work and don’t even get me started on love, it’s even another rule, understanding could make up for all of this and that’s work.

My work begins there, they don’t have to love me and I don’t have to love them but I want to know and it doesn’t help, finding places to hide, it doesn’t help just wanting to survive, how about just dreaming of someday and hoping that I will do better tomorrow. Am I trashing hope, no but hoping to move isn’t the same as moving, you can hope to be saved or you can save yourself, or you can be the one that everyone needs saving from, whatever it is you want to do. That is another part of the work, you don’t have to know where you’re going the point is you’re going and judging from how late it is I’ve been on the road to nowhere too long.

Madam Justice the work does not begin, ever sad morning I get up, full of worry and doubt, scared to death, just wanting everybody to leave me alone, counting the minutes I can climb back into bed. My work started yesterday when I saw my blog get a secure rating, my work started when my fingers began hitting keys, my work started when at the moment we started talking I hated it, maybe still do but I’m here and why can’t I do this every day with people, another thing for my to-do list possibly.

If I finally decide Madam Justice, I have to decide, Now The Work Can Begin.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 113 ~Hungry Like the Wolf~

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When you’re hungry, thirsty, a certain sort of frustrated, where do you draw the line; I’m not saying eat people but when you want to survive that’s when you realize there is no limit. Hungry Like The Wolf… so about being a better man?

Sunday, October 22, 2017

Lesson 113 ~Hungry Like the Wolf~

To Will:
No Fear, though should we rack up your wins and losses or should we stick to the just surviving, in any case, we don’t want to die so that’s the good news. You know I’m always hoping for what’s best for you and today you have made strides in that direction but don’t fear, at least we didn’t know before but that thought truly shouldn’t be a comfort.

If anything this is a lesson in tenacity or necessity is the mother of invention, how about the idea of what it means to be wanted, you should be reminded of those days back in school from god knows when to… hell, you’re not in school anymore but you are still everyone’s go-to punchline. People are never satisfied, you know this well, there is even a rule “Satisfaction, The Death of Desire” and once we no longer desire, hunger, thirst, love, sex and anything else, we become complacent but what is wrong with that? The world isn’t built for that and neither are men, if anything we create rules, we write laws and like the Republicans are always talking about, no law will stop the bad guys but we need stronger ones, besides my liking of a ton of firepower.

Look at it this way, how does your immune system get stronger, you have to get sick and fight off the virus, here’s a good one, how do you go out and get a woman… stop watching porn, suffer, feel that want, need, and desire, and transform it into courage, as today’s lesson dictates, be hungry like the wolf, never knowing where the next meal is coming from he goes out searching. How about this, a scar shows proof that you were stronger than whatever hurt you, that you are a survivor. Now that is something you must always remember, with everything that has gone on, everything that hurts you, everything that scares you, put one foot in front of the other “Just Survive Somehow”.

Speaking of which “The Walking Dead” is something to look forward to, how about a visit from “Gospel Girl”, or the moment my email stops going off about the blog, I swear the things you didn’t know. Only what you do know, what you have learned today is the following, the “thirst” has been kicking your ass, never let desire die, it’s the fire inside you, Hungry Like the Wolf.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 109 ~My Butter Fingers Honor~

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You can look but don’t touch, better not to even look, wait why aren’t you looking… honestly, can I get my hands on an instruction manual for women but what man reads the instructions anyway? My Butter Fingers Honor

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Lesson 109 ~My Butter Fingers Honor~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear and on my butter fingers honor, the worse thing I have ever done to the fairer sex is, be scary. Don’t get me wrong Lady Echo, I can think of plenty I have done wrong but to bring about fear and I know fear, for everything I claim to know fear is the air I breathe and to think I could do that to someone else, I’m truly sorry Echo.

Now I could go on forever and a day about this and I haven’t thought about what’s her face in weeks but if you’ve been keeping track of current events, one name Harvey Weinstein. Is it selfish of me to hope that they don’t start removing all the movies he was involved in, how about to worry about all the men appearing in show business that may be in scandals themselves? I actually felt sick about the #MeToo campaign for all the wrong reasons; is it because I’m guilty, honestly, I’m into some things but the fear is my worse offense, I’m sure of it.

I study Ravishment but I’ve never taken any woman against her will, SSC, RACK, I do my homework and no I won’t apologize for ninety percent of the things I’m into, that other ten… My mother raised a gentleman can you believe that I open doors for women when my anxiety allows, I pay for dinner unless the woman owes me a ton of money, then I make dinner, I don’t catcall, I don’t lie, etc. Well okay, I told one woman that she and her friend looked like they should be on “Brazzers” or “Reality Kings” but that was a comment on a blog and I stopped easily enough.

I felt one woman up and she didn’t stop me because she said I would be upset and I apologized to her and there was the time we were wrestling and she got scared and I let go of her immediately, or the time I tried to get up her shirt and squeezed her ass. Women have it bad when it comes to men and all I know is that I want to be better, as far as women in my orbit one doesn’t really know me, another wants me to make a move but I won’t, and the last is wondering what she did wrong, I stay far away.

So is this worth anything today, acknowledgment of some if not all, saying I am wrong, truly I am sorry, on My Butter Fingers Honor.

“Hey.
Hold up.
Am I as superficial as all those guys I warned Ashley about? I mean could it be that I’m more obsessed with breasts and thighs than Colonel Sanders ever was? Mightn’t I be able to look deeper? I mean, to cherish women as full and complete and complex individuals.
And with this new understanding to finally find and keep this true love that eludes so many of us.
Nah!” That’s No Lady, That’s My Cousin, Fresh Prince

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 107 ~You Are Not A Caveman~

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Caveman had no choice but, to tell the truth without words, only the civilized find reasons to lie and yet for some reason I want to be one of them as well. You Are Not A Caveman but I am not a liar either

Monday, October 16, 2017

Lesson 107 ~You Are Not A Caveman~

Second Rule Madam Justice,

No Fear because there was not a word for it, and though I’m sure they felt it, hell as a society we damn near worship it by what right did we give it voice? Do we think ourselves civilized, evolved, just less stupid, that’s a great fear, I sound stupid?

It wouldn’t matter if I ever escaped my cave or if I remained for all time, word and sound echo off the wall and yes I am my own worse critic. We all continue to act on primal urges don’t we, “Indian Gone” and I both agree if some men would just shut up, men would have an easier time with women. What about the fact that we have so many words, so many languages and nobody seems to understand anyone, they just talk and talk but they never listen and yet I’m a fool.

Here’s something for your consideration, who have I ever asked that question of, what do you think of me, do you want me, do you need me, do you believe in me, do you love me, who has actually heard God’s own voice? We’re taught to believe words over deeds, one of my least favorite sayings is a picture is worth a thousand words, dance, art, photography, what about the concept of spoken word? Words are cheap so no wonder people buy thousands and I sit here a pauper or maybe I rather find the words I really want and yet here we are Justice.

How many times would I rather call everyone else stupid, that I can’t be bothered with the idiocracy of it all, I have so many voices speaking of above me, for me, about me, that I wonder what would it matter if I spoke at all? Anxiety Justice, because what is it I want to say other than the truth, that I have buried it along with a caveman because the truth is always the truth no matter the word, action or the speaker himself. That is why I can’t be the caveman, I have to speak, and for the love of everything if I choose to remain silent, don’t let my actions themselves hide the truth, smile, laugh, pretend.

This is simply a statement of fact, the caveman learned, evolved, adapted, overcome and with so much time I should already know this by now You Are Not A Caveman.

I Will Have No Fear

 

Lesson 106 ~Bright Side Of Life~

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Every cloud has a silver lining or so they say but seriously and I Judas or what, sacrificing yet another son of God… yeah, that’s enough of the religious imagery, anyway I’m just trying to find the good “Bright Side Of Life”

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Lesson 106 ~Bright Side Of Life~

To Will:
No Fear, when it hurt to breathe today there was nothing, of course even now I’m different but we do share the same fear of everything else but why not death? Maybe life is torture and you’re a sadist, not a masochist and even that is brought into question; why, because you’re still here, but why is this?

“A man who does not have something for which he is willing to die is not fit to live.”
― from Martin Luther King Jr

You’ll get no pressure from me, telling you to go out there and find a reason to live, besides Braxton but isn’t he a good enough reason to keep going? So today I want to offer… not encouragement, but look at it this way, beauty isn’t going anywhere right? Money was made last week and you’re going to make more this week, and as the song goes money making is a wonderful thing, for sure.

You’re always writing, you have kept your commitment for one more week which means you’re actually capable of something. How about cutting the yard which gives you two fewer things to worry about, the neighbors and something happening to Braxton. Maybe you should give your “Have A Nice Day” playlist another listen, it’s been a while and you’re not really living up to the gangsta level, that’s just a thought.

Speaking of being one sort of man, are you ever going to let the caveman evolve or what, yes people are dumb and I guess the world makes it seem like idiocy cannot be fought and that’s how people like Trump stay in charge. On the bright side you’ve been less stressed for several reasons, some we’re not too proud of but I’m not here to admonish you either, another plus, reading brings new words.

Should I give you a goal, not like you would keep it, though I do have at least one only if you need something tangible, this week we have to get “The Seven” off the ground, it would help if we got the whole blog up and running but at least The Seven? More bright side, what did I say about new books, remember our own Alice in Wonderland, women would be a nice way to die to be sure.

So what did I learn, yes your new goal which is simple and heartbreaking but here it goes “Stay Alive”, you’re not as brave as Katniss Everdeen but as always you know to look on the Bright Side Of Life.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 102 ~Not That Famous… Yet~

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So what did I do this time or better yet what can you prove; they say the guilty are the only ones who worry about what you can prove and with all the skeletons in my closet… Not That Famous… Yet, but at this rate, I might never get there either

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Lesson 102 ~Not That Famous… Yet~

Forgive Me Echo
No Fear, not of God anyway and if I am going to talk to some figment of my mind I might as well dream up one of my own, don’t you think? Maybe that should be the first sin that I confess today but I think I can do better at the moment.

I don’t even know if I have anything to be worried about, I swear the constant anxiety; you know why I might be a “good” writer someday because I can create drama and conflict out of nothing. Imagine if you will, you get a message from a Facebook acquaintance, saying someone you don’t recognize was asking questions about you. You tell them you don’t know the person and that’s that but this person is out there and you have no clue what they wanted, fill in the blank, I did, with a sex tape.

When you don’t know if there is a naked picture of you let alone a naked video and why don’t you tell me Inspector Echo why my mind immediately jumped to this conclusion. There’s no secret that I have a history, talk about skeletons, the beating of the hideous heart, that’s part of the reason you’re here. If it is something to do with me naked, for the record I have worse things, hell I was working on two of those worst things which shows why our conversation is coming so late, and I’m sorry.

Maybe I should have started with telling you what our conversations will consist of and how I even feel about the words “I’m Sorry” maybe I should make that into my own motto. Instead, I created Rule Fifteen: I Take My Own Lumps, simply means I take my own hits, and consequences, I deal with my problems as I must.

The thing is though, I might not even have a problem or I might have a bigger problem and usually I would this is the second level of Hell trespass, you know Lust. Why not ask me what I was doing naked on camera anyway but then again you and I both know I’m not alone in this, given some of the company I’ve had.

So am I asking forgiveness for this… anybody having to see me naked or for my dirty mind, how about a friend having to deal with me, or you having to listen, sex tape Echo, I’m Not That Famous… Yet.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 100 ~I Will Have No Fear~

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How much time you got or should I just say I’m afraid of the whole world… thankfully that would be a lie but the truth is I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I Will Have No Fear, sooner or later but it’s been more than 66 Days

Monday, October 9, 2017

Lesson 100 ~I Will Have No Fear~

First Rule Madam Justice,

No Fear but honestly You know I could go on for forever and a day when it comes to fear, a toss-up between the things that scare me and the things I wish I could believe. So what does this rule mean to me, no real deeper meaning being my first rule, simple and direct?

“Please explain to me just once, why.
Because I’m afraid!

You don’t think your dad ever felt afraid?
If he did,
he figured out some way to beat it.

Yeah, well, there’s a word for that:
Courage” Green Lantern (2011)

Fear Justice, is a disease, it’s a freaking plague, like a zombie virus, it keeps you moving, keeps you seeking something and in the end what do you do with it? I don’t want to be like my father and that in itself is fear but how does he cover up his fear, anger, hate, do I really need to quote Yoda here. Like most things in my life, I believe if I ever find the root cause of it maybe I can find a way to overcome it but that’s not possible is it?

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Master Yoda, Star Wars Franchise

Anxiety Justice, “Indiana Gone” wonders how I sleep so well, nightmares usually aren’t a concern, it’s real life so maybe I should list ten things that scared me just today:

01. Leaving Braxton by himself
02. Going to work
03. Getting the door for coworkers
04. Being overwhelmed at work
05. Multiple meetings (huddle)
06. Being called out by coworkers
07. Walking Braxton
08. Kneeling to check if the ground was cool enough for Braxton (Neighbors have a Flag)
09. Anything happening to Braxton, itchy, toenail stuck in collar ring, etc.
10. Work tomorrow and company after
“Welcome to Fight Club. The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is: you DO NOT talk about Fight Club!” Fight Club (1999)

This is why I constantly quote this rule Justice if anything I should have gone fight club with it and quoted it twice but that will be for next week. Speaking of which I read somewhere that it takes 66 days for something to become a habit and here I am with one hundred lessons, oh right and writing scares me to which is why I’m so late with this, wondering if I’m making any sense at all.

I’m scared that I’m losing my mind, splitting all these ideas up in my mind you know but since this is in relation to the first rule, I’m scared of what people will think of me. How about being scared that no one is thinking of me at all, and in both of those scenarios what will I do then.

There is nothing to learn this is something I know, I Will Have No Fear

“Thou Art Courageous” Spoken to Link, The Legend of Zelda

“Believe me when I say we have a difficult time ahead of us. But if we are to be prepared for it, we must first shed our fear of it. I stand here, before you now, truthfully unafraid. Why? Because I believe something you do not? No, I stand here without fear because I remember.” Morpheus, The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 099 ~Kill You Right Now~

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Some days I die and am born anew, other days I am resurrected, but today I’m not sure if I like the man I am but tomorrow I will have to be braver, and I shouldn’t try to weaken that man today. “Kill You Right Now”, no I still have work tonight

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Lesson 099 ~Kill You Right Now~

To Will:
No Fear and so I ask who the hell do you think you’re talking to and why is this even a lesson, and Luna must be feeling pretty bad right now. To be honest, I haven’t even seen you today and I was just about to go outside looking like whatever, didn’t I even want to try and I don’t know be better.

Well, look better because being better is going to take a lot more time and courage than I have today and already I know you’re going to braver. Which brings us back to the question, who the hell am I talking to because, if you are my future I salute your courage, I pity what tomorrow will bring but you will be braver than me I know that much is certain. So what is all this talk about killing, I mean whoever I am this moment, do I want to die, I know the man yesterday didn’t want to, what’s the name of this one, Hurricane Nate and we both want what’s best for Braxton.

Maybe I need to find our similarities, rather than our differences because again you will be strong and I’m weak, you’ll be forced into courage, and for now, I don’t have to be, you’ll be stressed out and I’m just going to be so tired. You’ll work harder though, while I get to dick around on my computer and as I think about our mutual friend, there is always hope isn’t there? I suppose I’ll have blue balls and you might meet someone, I get to laugh about and you’ll be a nervous wreck, what the Hell am I saying.

I want you to be better than me Will, can you promise me that, maybe that’s the lesson, I’m still talking to me but I can already see the damage I’m doing to you, psyching you out and you have a week that you need to survive. No, I say survive but I want you to live, I want to stop hurting you and instead imagine the future that awaits you; I’ll worry about five minutes but you live four days for that is what is required, it’s not fair.

You’ll be richer which is a plus, I won’t kill me or you because there is hope for you yet just too much to want to kill you right now.

I Will Have No Fear