Tag: Grief

Chronicle 156 ~B Feet Gives Paws~

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Like father like son, Me and B III like and get annoyed with the same things. We both like boobs and hate feet. Then it came to his paws, and I did everything in my power to protect his and stay on my feet with my horrific Day Job. B Feet Gives Paws.

Saturday, December 4, 2021

Chronicle 156 ~B Feet Gives Paws~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so when I say stuff like that title. No matter what, I’m still pretty damn funny.

Didn’t I say sometime this week I hate being funny? I also hate where my feet lead me somedays. Pretty much my Day Job, PetSmart, and preparing to live my life as such. In other words, errands. So, of course, that’s what I was doing today. Um, after PetSmart Lu. We’ll get to that. But first, a confession. Hell, not even that. A simple fact. I HATE FEET. It’s just the way I am, Lunalesca. Call it a personal preference like having a thing for brunettes, before them Asian women. Or being a breast man. All women have breasts, Lu. Okay, to some degree, at least. Women have feet too. Yet I adore one and hate the other, I swear. Reasons women don’t like me…

So what does this have to do with my son as everything does? Going on 307 days. How about his 15 years of life? Well, this morning, I’m going into PetSmart, and I see this familiar van that carries some of the dogs, I believe. I walk in, but they aren’t at their usual spot. Needless to say, I was pissed, which is my standard mood. But since I look at the kitties too, I keep going. And I hear the dogs barking in the distance. They moved their cages. Anyway, I started my window shopping and then it hit me looking at the smallest. Cinderella, I swear that’s where I heard this Lady Lu but “Your Feet’s Too Big.” Or paws in this instance.

Yes, I can be a fucking snob, shallow, or some sort of messed-up guy. But I looked at those furries, and the moment I saw their paws, it was an instant “NO” from me. One of the ladies said they would have different dogs tomorrow. Recovering Lunalesca, but trying. I do mean from the Day Job. I didn’t have it in me to try and change my shifts today. That’s gross, my weakness, but what isn’t gross are Braxton’s paws. My B’s toesy wosies. He hated me touching them or rushing him to the vet when they said he stepped on a pine cone wrong. I love Chihuahuas, nice Yabbos and B’s nails clicking on hardwood floors. But Feet, no thanks? B Feet Gives Paws.

307 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 152 ~What B Doesn’t Know~

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STUPIDITY is a disease like any other, but that’s not what took B III. Hell, compared to me, he was a genius, and yet he stayed, and a girl here or there decided hmm he’ll do. What B Doesn’t Know is he always was my priority

Tuesday, November 30, 2021

Chronicle 152 ~What B Doesn’t Know~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but Braxton didn’t know he was priceless. That anything and everything would come back to him.

Well, B III didn’t know when he liked a girl and invited her to the bedroom… Now, how many was that again? That he would be losing his side of the bed for the most part, ha. Braxton didn’t know that someone could cook well kitchen wise and he wouldn’t have to hide, fearing the worst. Braxton watched his grandma, but that was many years ago. It’s impossible that his best friend; didn’t rule the galaxy. When I was at the old Day Job trying to shut out the Humiliations Galore surrounding me, I’d think of us, Vader and Luke. If anything, Braxton and I were more C-3PO and R2-D2. You can guess which is which. Only come Star Wars Day and Sunday, he knew to shut-up Daddy’s watching TV.

Braxton didn’t know that he’d like another pair of Yabbos as much as his aunt’s. B III and I were very much the same in that aspect as I’m sure you know more than anyone. Braxton didn’t know whose side to take when it came to “Stuff and Thangs.” And why I would shut him out of our room when he wasn’t so bad. When did showers take so long? Braxton didn’t know why he had to work that much harder to cuddle me. Or why he now had two people full-time with protection detail. I gave Braxton “The Talk.” Somehow though, and you’ve heard me say this. I would sit on the loveseat, and he would put his toy next to me and sleep.

Braxton didn’t know he was too smart for his own good. He’s loved some questionable people in his day… his grandfather. Hell, what about me. My Little B loves me. Leaving on a jet plane? I’m more a fan of “Said you sailed a big ship. Said you sailed away.” The fact that my son gained his wings, however, people want to say it. It was him, Love, B III. B must know that you love me. And as I can’t figure out why he had to leave like that. I can’t figure out why he loves me or why you do. Why I can’t believe it. Not too bright. Such is my curse to be surrounded by love and intelligence. What B Doesn’t Know

303 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 149 ~B Brave, 300, 3000~

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B and I were far from 300, but nevertheless, the two of us were an “Army” thank you, Ellie Goulding. What she’s a great singer with what I’m assuming are nice… ok, shutting up about that. It’s been 300 Days without him in my sight. B Brave, 300, 3000

Saturday, November 27, 2021

Chronicle 149 ~B Brave, 300, 3000~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I would have been sooner if I got off my ass. More like my balls.

30-year-old, well 37 talking about his dick (pardon my language…) classy. Between recovering from yesterday’s “Humiliations Galore.” And today being PetSmart day or not, no doggies, sigh. And I didn’t have the nerve to call B-Dubs, so Taco Bell, Lunalesca. Again I’m fucking 37 (sorry), and I can’t call restaurants, repairmen, or rescues. Then again, I’m still crying over Braxton, and we’ll get to that in a minute. How about thirty of them, and I give myself far too much credit when it comes to sex. Seen any other women? Not even in my novel. Speaking of which, I’m reading something before the Christmas Erotic Fest. You know me, Lady Lu, TRADITION. “A Sincere Warning About the Entity in Your Home.” Is that what I’m calling B III? Not yet.

300 bucks would be a much better way to honor him. Of course, Grammarly fucked me over for about half of that. $139.00. Fucking assholes! So it led me to do some quick math at PetSmart. The times of plenty are over. When I wasn’t paying for B III’s survival. Now I find more dubious ways to waste money. Let me say AHEM, this bitch got me “Smokin Out The Window.” Only that’s not fair at all, Lunalesca. Fucking Yabbos! Anyway, today will mark 300 Days without my son. I’m trying, ok. I gave “Only Gone From Your Sight” 3 stars. Everything within me wants to say that Braxton is always here. Nothing has moved as far as moving on.

3000 days could go by, and that ain’t happening. I love B 3000, and I ain’t Iron Man either. Regardless of what’s in my pants and I swear I’m shutting up about that. I’ll have to start Succubus Christmas Special soon. I also have Dystopian Girls 3. Sensing a theme? I had 3 days to finish my novel, and I wasted this one away, Lady Lu. I’m 7,500 words away from 50,000. That’s 3 chapters, and you know how the Day Job week is going to be. At least I caught up with “my” 3 girls, Carolina Bound, Cherry, and M Anime. But only seen one pair of Yabbos. I’m not a brave man or a very smart one at that. B Brave, 300, 3000.

300 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 145 ~Tail Of Two B’s~

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As B passed, he looked me in the face. I turned around when his heart was no longer beating. When there was no longer the huff and puff of breath. When he could not hoist himself from the table. But turning my back on more “family” “Tail Of Two B’s.”

Tuesday, November 23, 2021

Chronicle 145 ~Tail Of Two B’s~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but if my father taught me anything, it’s that money is no replacement for someone’s love.

Time is money… well, I haven’t been sitting here crying all day over my lost boy. Ok, yes, I paused a bit and “let it out” while I was reading. It seems this or that, one way or another, that something is pulling us apart. The more things change, the more they stay the same. I let everything and everyone get in the way when it came to Braxton and me. The idea was to keep us alive. I loved him more than anything in this world but to survive, to build a life. With all the love songs in existence, I cannot believe “All You Need Is Love.” Again all day, it’s been about working, writing. To this day, I hate the Day Job.

Of course, I’m talking about the old one. The thing is, what that hellhole and doing what I want have in common? I put everything I have into them and leave nothing for myself. I’ve had a nap today, but I’ve barely eaten anything. Yes, time is money. My masterpiece? I wouldn’t go that far when it comes to my novel. How many years have I made this error? I’m the guy that gets mad when the line is too long at McD’s, and I’m late picking up a pizza from Pizza Hut. I’ll sit in the B-Dubs parking lot for a half-hour for food. Dammit, all the time I could be giving to my family, and it goes out the window on this crap.

Braxton would be upset that I still haven’t learned this lesson. I’ve told you before he taught me so much, but to cherish time? I would say Braxton taught me plenty of patience. When it came to things like walking, giving him his medication, just sitting on my lap waiting. I made time for him and before the end, where was I? Buying fries every day to avoid walks. Getting annoyed when I had to carry him. Fuck me. Yeah, when’s the last time you and I did that baby girl? Anyway, I would carry B forever and a day if I had the chance. The children can’t wait, neither can you, and I shouldn’t as you Love Me Now. But, Tail Of Two B’s

296 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 142 ~A B Sized Problem~

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If I tried again, he or she would have to be B III’s size. Who am I kidding? I want a Chihuahua, and I screwed that up with my son. And then with Chase, a problem that can fit in the palm of my hand because of anything bigger… Ha. A B Sized Problem

Saturday, November 20, 2021

Chronicle 142 ~A B Sized Problem~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can shut down Disney for a bit. “It’s A Small World After All.”

Ironic that I found that ride so peaceful as a child in the Magic Kingdom. Yet as a grown-ass man, 37-year-old baby, the world today was way too small. There’s too many men, ha. Why stop with the song. “Too many people. Making too many problems. And not much love to go round.” No wonder my dick’s curving. Sadistic tendencies are making me hard. Lunalesca, that’s TMI, isn’t it. Today was terrible, to say the least. What about telling the most? While I deserve to be punished for B III. I don’t want to sound like some Trumptard, Nah. I doubt I could claim self-defense, and plenty of black men have been shot unarmed. I’m sorry, Lady Luna; I’ve been watching the big news today.

Hell, every day is gigantic, gigantic, gigantic when it comes to the media as it should be. As I said, people are making a mess. Is it the fucking noise Lady Lu. I’ve had enough, hmm? I’ve said before the silence without Braxton was killing me, but now I’m cherishing it. Still, I bought two new sets of headphones for the Day Job. Apple headphones surrendered. Can I have my son back breathing now? If you’re wondering why I’m talking to you so late, the “good” news is I was reading “Only Gone From Your Sight.” Yes, a book on loss. The bad news is I was also watching, well, stuff. Yeah, Yabbos, Cherry’s, Momokun’s, Aria Logan’s. What, I’m well-rounded and should shut up now.

Only all my problems keep on growing, and even the ones that are dead. No, I don’t mean B III, and he wasn’t trouble. Okay, that’s a lie, but I was thinking of turkey, Luna. Another first for me without Braxton. Now I could get all political, but we talk about family. The family I try to avoid bringing me food that I can’t share with my little B III. The question is, what am I grateful for this year? I didn’t have another wreck today. Despite my lazy ass efforts, I’m employed and living, dammit. Not cumming today… yet. Lunalesca, I am trying my best to be somebody B would be proud of but people. But one, in particular, me. A B Sized Problem

293 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 138 ~May Love B Unconditional~

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Do kids still watch Pinky and the Brain? I want to know what my own children will be into. With B III, it was the same thing every day, fries. I wouldn’t mind spending my nights trying to take over the world, but I mourn it. May Love B Unconditional.

Tuesday, November 16, 2021

Chronicle 138 ~May Love B Unconditional~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and if I didn’t love what I was doing, I’d never leave the house again Love.

What do I mean? Crying? Where are we now, 289 Days in? I was outside today, telling myself that B would be mad at me for dropping all those fries. It wouldn’t matter to him. He wouldn’t care if I didn’t get my lazy ass out of bed for his meds. One more reason Braxton’s dead though it was his kidneys and not his heart. Hell, Braxton loves my trying. Doing my best, as winners go home and fuck the prom queen. Tell me, Baby Girl were you the prom queen. I didn’t go to my prom, but I didn’t save my son Braxton either. Today my point is that it didn’t matter to him… Again I tell myself his love was unconditional. Plus fries

Now our kids would have liked me bringing a puppy home. I can honest to God tell you that I wasn’t thinking anything about them on what, Oct 30th. How I track my failures, sigh. Any way they want me to stop somewhere and again look at Braxton. He’s not even in the car. I take that back. He’s always with me, but I stop every day picking up some lunch. Yeah, I’ve said before that he would skip walks if he had fries when he was here. Do I want to quiet our own kids? The silence was unbearable, then endured. Now it’s what I deserve. That being the deafness of Braxton no longer being here. Yet do I want to talk about it?

Only mourning this long? Every day I think you’re upset that I can’t overcome this. In truth, I don’t want to. I’ve done, do, will continue several “unspeakable” acts. Baby Doll, it’s this, though. The suffering of the loss of B III gets my friends to give up ok. I talk to Braxton’s Aunt once a week. Saturdays when I visit Petsmart. The doggies. Remember M Anime? She says God bless Braxton’s little soul, but what else is there? Cherry has her own losses and everything else in her life. Braxton has my sobbing. However, thinking I can’t talk to my own wife? Hell, I can’t speak to Braxton either with what I tried to do on Nov 13th. Another betrayal? May Love B Unconditional

289 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 135 ~To B A Believer~

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“Comedy comes in 3’s.” I’ve read that it’s a writer’s rule, but when’s the last time I’ve believed anything other writers have said… like being good. The last one I believed in died 286 Days ago. I believe bad things always come. To B A Believer

Saturday, November 13, 2021

Chronicle 135 ~To B A Believer~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so what do I believe in? I should start listening to my motivations again with NaNoWriMo.

Speaking of which, as I told Lady Sophia last night. I believe I was making such huge strides in “Behave In The Cherry Patch” until yesterday and, of course, today. If I’m lucky, ha-ha. By Sunday, I can stop lying to NaNoWriMo for at least a little while this week… Lady Lu, I should tell this weak man that I am. How many weeks has it been now that I’ve betrayed B III? Died on January 31, was cremated on February 4, and I picked up his ashes on February 10. Three days Lady Luna. I heard somewhere comedy comes in threes. I’m not sure I believe that, but wouldn’t it be something if Chase was at Petsmart today? This would be Week 3. To be Lucky or a Loser

Of course, I mean that about me, Lady Lu, and not little Virgil. Hell, I can’t believe I would adopt him now. As I couldn’t believe what my “father” said to me the day that Braxton died. Of all the pain I’ve felt in my life, I can’t believe anything could hurt this much, Lu. You’re looking at a guy who has starved himself on purpose. With this week, I’ve been starving by accident, Lu. With all I survived with last night, I did take care of one problem. The next on my plate, or rather not in my glass, is dehydration. Water, Mother’s milk… Yeah, I’m about out of both unless I want to start drinking out the sink. Drool some over Cherry’s Yabbos?

I believe I always have time to, as they say, hang out with my wang out, rock out with my cock out, get silly with my willy. I should be careful, Lady Lu. It’s that kind of language which cost me a friend on Facebook a few days ago. After losing B, who cares, Lunalesca? The hackers? I did pass the rest of the night in relative peace. Not a peep has been heard this morning but wasn’t that the calm before the storm. I go out to live, and, next thing I know, I’m fighting for my life both IRL and online. And with this coming week. Life sucks; I believe that more than ever before. I believe in Braxton. To B A Believer.

286 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 131 ~Can’t We B Friends~

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Who’s your best friend? I’d like to say a pretty girl. More to the point, Braxton would say over my dead body, and here we are. Well, minus both girl and dog. There’s a lot of pretty girls in this city but only one Braxton. So Why Can’t We B Friends?

Tuesday, November 9, 2021

Chronicle 131 ~Can’t We B Friends~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but also a Boy as in, “that’s my boy.’ A Brother. A Better man, aka Daddy.

Ah yes, what about, husband? Before that Betrothed? If you haven’t noticed, I’ve been reading another book “This Dog’s Afterlife.” It has a couple losing a dog and another losing a kid but anyway. How about a Boyfriend? Good times.

Further back even, a Best friend, right? Nobody tells you how to be these things. If I were my father, I’d throw some money at it and consider myself a good man. These days I’m less and less of one I know. Of course, I failed way before now. Even more than the 282 Days since B III’s been gone. I’m tired. You put up with my ass when I had the old-day job. You survived my madness back then, but B III didn’t. I envy him every so often.

Some days like today. I should have stopped myself sooner. Working for people I hated, and it’s cost me the one I love. Then it’s a fucking domino effect; pardon my language. I’ve been down for so long, and I ain’t getting up any time soon. Well, then I’m disgusted. Getting “up?” There’s some things you don’t tell your friends. Keep it “In The Closet.” No, I don’t mean like that. I’ll entertain dark “passions” over hatred forever, baby girl. Impossible as it may seem. As my best friend lay dying, I had no idea who I was or what. So every single day, it’s like I’m living some sort of character and the real me? It’s Kill Bill and, wiggle your big toe Love.

A friend might tolerate all my pop culture references; a best friend would get them all. And then there was Braxton. He would be right here listening to “Ben,” “Would You Be There,” and “In The Closet,” thinking to himself. “Women ain’t nothing but trouble.” Braxton was/is the boy, as the kids say, “kept it 92 plus 8.” Oh, um, and you, my Baby Doll. You could ask anything of me, anything at all. Your wish is my command, but in this, my lost son. I know I must sound like a fool which explains why I don’t have many friends. If I did, though, I wouldn’t go around killing them. Where’s Braxton’s privilege there? That doggie in the window. Why Can’t We B Friends

282 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 128 ~B Aching My Heart~

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For the third time in 279 Days, I was offered a dog. My sister showed me a dog only days after B III died. A woman on Facebook told me about a Chihuahua. And today, for a second week at PetSmart, these ladies asked me about Chase. “B Aching My Heart”

Saturday, November 6, 2021

Chronicle 128 ~B Aching My Heart~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I can still be petty as all Hell. I can still hate the world, right.

On the 30th, Lady Lu I was embarrassed, enamored, and enraged from going to PetSmart. Embarrassed as I offered my number and email. The lady asks, “for what?” I’m stupid. Enamored with a dog named Chase that I would never see again. I’ll get to him in a sec Lu. Enraged at the lady there, myself. COVID 19 is nothing with people’s stupidity Lady Lu. There are two places on Earth this second where everyone knows my name. Well knows me, at least. Talk to my “father’s” old work buddies sometime. Tony has a son? Anyway, so I walk into PetSmart today, and these women are all around me. “We have Chase. He’s not here, but we can bring him, just say the word.” YES

NO Lunalesca, the answer has to be no, and it breaks my heart. That’s why I go to PetSmart every Saturday, I think. To tell me that it’s still there to be broken, not fixed. I don’t deserve it, Lady Lu, I mean to know, what peace? Hell, I’m breaking the bank, my balls, my book but this incessant heart of mine beating remains. But B III doesn’t hear it. I’ve talked about getting messages. The power flipped out for a second, and his picture frame flashed. B’s stuff on the floor, how his treats lie undisturbed. But nothing Saturday. Well, I take that back. Remember how I talked about the bank? With my budget, I bought a book for a buck, “This Dog’s Afterlife.”

Coincidence, you think? Braxton is a hard habit to break, and I don’t plan on it anytime soon. I told M Anime that she makes it difficult for men to date her. Getting close, nope? I’m doing the same thing when it comes to fur-babies. My Day Job, as always, sucks. Say the magic words “Humiliations Galore.” I’ve been chasing one chick’s Yabbos for weeks now. It’s a good thing God gave Adam a woman and not a dog. I’ve got neither, but which did more damage? Ahh, yes, bring on the waterworks Day 279. So with all the things wrong with me, what should worry me, Luna? I wish it was NaNoWriMo; I’m lying. The truth is worse. Braxton’s Dead, B Aching My Heart

279 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 124 ~B Fixing That Soon~

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What makes a man? I’ve said before I thought it was women or their mammaries, to be specific. It could be money. I want to get away from my father, and what’s my age again? Or it could be mutts though B III was purebred. Love, B Fixing That Soon

Tuesday, November 2, 2021

Chronicle 124 ~B Fixing That Soon~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means when it comes to small stuff… The wi-fi and not my son. Man’s Priorities

Friend? Hell, Best Friend? For forever and a day, B III will be my son, but before all that. Yesterday I was reminded of when I first met him. My sister’s dog. It’s what B was, my sister’s dog. How was I to know what he would be? I wasn’t anybody. I’m only a man. Friend, Forever, Father. Did I even have any friends back then? Nope! Braxton fixed that. I talked a lot about “forever.” Well, no, I said the world was going to end, and B fixed that. As far as loving something, someone that wasn’t fixated on some Yabbos. Braxton fixed that. And so you wonder why I’m falling apart. Dealing with my father last week, I have to fix, pretend me.

Forever can’t get here fast enough. I’m tired of the stuff I have to do. Tiring myself in things that shouldn’t matter… NaNoWriMo. I won’t lie. When I first saw you, it was all about Paradise By the Dashboard Light. If you knew how much I wanted you then, now? Only I was a different man back then. You make me better, but Braxton made me whole. Now I sit here like Wilford Young, trying to figure out how to keep Snowpiercer running. Instead, I want to be Andre Layton. My Love, I have a thing for brunettes, Baby Girl. Braxton was/is one of a kind, as are you. Only I can’t have him back. Such a small part, yet all of them come together.

Fatherhood made me the man I am. I’m a Dad, ok. It’s why I’m still here and will be. Love. Now I don’t tell you much about my father other than finances. Strived for billions. Money, My Love, children need time, reason instead of terror, for someone to feel Love. Braxton never asked for a dime. But everything I did, I did to make sure he was ok. It’s the same with our children. Did I rely on him too much? We are supposed to be there for our children, not the other way around. But no one wakes up knowing how to be Dad. How to do that when Braxton was trial and error. We built each other; now repairing… B Fixing That Soon.

275 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will