Tag: Honesty

Lesson 135 ~It’s Worthy Of Your Soul~

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How much is my soul worth, do I still have one available at all, am I too busy worrying about this life and what about the next… if I was a man of faith. It’s Worthy Of Your Soul, I don’t know what “it” is or where to find it, a tall order.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Lesson 135 ~It’s Worthy Of Your Soul~

Sixth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear but the idea that I may not find whatever it is I’m searching for; can I give you thoughts or suggestions, sure but what do I feel? Sometimes, just like my heart, I don’t think I have a soul and if the Devil wanted it and I could name my price… well hmm?

To quote The Darkness “I believe in a thing called love” but I think even Faust made such a mistake am I right; I’m not even sure I believe in such a thing as soulmates, though I would like to. What about writing… the fact that I’m still holding back, with exception to my novel but with our conversations I still can’t just be me but then again what am I protecting, could it be a soul. Vengeance, of course, would seem to suggest that I don’t have a soul at all, thus how could I sell my soul for such satisfaction and we remember that rule do we not?

I actually wrote out a contract to Satan… don’t know how old I was but the only thing that stopped me was I abhor “my” bloodshed but trust me if it would work that would be another thing like having a button that could just end everything. There was also a time in my life where I believed the meaning of life was a song “seek out a kingdom worthy of your soul” but why seek something that I could create right? How about this, being the greedy son of a bitch I am, wanting well everything I suppose it’s up to me to decide what is worthy isn’t it?

I would never say that about my job but what wouldn’t I give for the little dog sleeping at my feet this moment. The fact that I went out for 5-hour ENERGY shots and Powerade, shows how much my writing means to me. The question is, what is a soul compared to a life, compared to a heart, or anything else in this world truly.

That’s the lesson though, the catch, maybe nothing is worthy and it’s our job to make it so that when we look back on all we have sacrificed we can see it as such. As a dominant wants a submissive, a writer and his story, I need to create, know, It’s Worthy Of Your Soul.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 130 ~Heat Of The Moment~

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What’s hot enough… the next time I fall so far it better be worth the trip to Hell, worth my damnation to be sure, but I can’t stand the heat, well not then anyway but what about now. Heat Of The Moment, is it hot in here or is it just… oh?

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Lesson 130 ~Heat Of The Moment~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear because I believe I have told the story of November 5th a few times… *sigh* ok if I must sum up, this dirty old “PERV” fell for a young eighteen-year-old, “Senseless” and I wrote her one poem and put some Twilight quote I believe on her windshield. Needless to say, history repeated itself and I nearly got fired; haven’t you always wondered why they call it getting fired at all.

I read somewhere that they would burn a person’s home when they wanted them to leave the village, sort of like “The Leftovers” I suppose, When that happened that man was trying to be some sort of psychic and here I was masquerading as a man with a Lolita complex… she is legal thankfully, not that it helped my case any. One of these days Inspector Echo we are going to discuss that but let’s focus on a definition of let’s say going to Hell.

Hell is sitting in an office, having your sins in black and white laid out before you and wondering why it’s taking so long to go all Fahrenheit 451. It’s being so hot for a person one minute and then the fires… I don’t know how to explain it but it’s already a rule “Anger Burns Hotter Than Lust”. Inspector Echo, Hell is doing your best impression of Nero as you watch your “empire” burn all around you and what can you do but sit back and fiddle, is that what he was doing, trying to take his mind off everything that was happening then?

People then wonder why I’m so cold, because it’s a disease this thing called love, and I know how dangerous it can be, as it was said in “The Immortal”. Now I was never in love with her, people talk about a certain type of culture nowadays but honestly, I understand why I don’t go to strip club… other than my anxiety, I hate the tease, and porn is free.

Now you want to know am I sorry for what I did, not a day goes by that I don’t feel regret, and I have wrong a lot of women with my inaction, my shyness, my fear, and that makes me a monster. So yes I am sorry but you know Heat Of The Moment.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 129 ~Know You Mean Will~

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I know you mean well when it comes to me, sometimes I even hate the sound of mind own name but “Will I Love You” would honestly be pretty new for me. “Know You Mean Will” but there are other things I just can’t deal with, even from a lover.

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Lesson 129 ~Know You Mean Will~

Dear Future Wife,
No Fear and I know you mean Will I love you but there are some things you need not do, though you probably will and it will break my heart to see that I hurt you in some way. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself, dreaming of breakfast in bed with you, when all I will ever need is you by my side every morning, everything else will be anxiety after we leave; I’ve never been one for coffee but tea helps.

While I will spend every day of my life loving you, there is one we never need to discuss, if anything that day led to us being together but the first day of my life… It’s just not to be celebrated in any way, I know you look at your own as a blessing perhaps, I’d be counting my lucky stars if you felt the same but the hope of being with you is enough. Just one day out of the year I wish I could forget and while I long for three little words, there are two words on that day that don’t exist.

Am I a fool for letting you into my head, if anything love is insanity and so let’s lose our minds together and not worry about everything else. I don’t remember a vow saying we need fix one another, but rather for better or for worse, in sickness and in health and I don’t plan on leaving you anytime soon. My father, however… you and I have a family of our own, a bigger one someday, whatever will I tell the dog but while I respect your father and ask for his blessing, not permission, that irks me for some reason, you needn’t concern yourself with my family “Issues”, you got them too as the song plays on and on.

Don’t tell me it’s going to be okay, I know I would never lie to you and you wouldn’t to me and I know you will mean “Will, it’s all going to be okay” but those are words I can never believe. Even if I ask you a million times are you okay I don’t know if I will ever be but tell me you’re here, tell me the world will end and you’ll still be with me, tell me the truth or say nothing at all, just wrap your arms around me and stay.

Because I will know my love, this I will believe, and my love I do truly Know You Mean Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 128 ~Love Is Worth Dying For~

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Even if I’m not worthy of it I can still do such a thing, which is possibly the worst thing that I can do, of course, I’m talking about love and I might as well start digging right now. Love Is Worth Dying For, how many women have left me breathless

Monday, November 6, 2017

Lesson 128 ~Love Is Worth Dying For~

Fifth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear when love is all you need, talk about wanting a lie to become the truth if enough people believe it. Hate is easy enough to find, it starts from within but love, hell again I would like to believe love is everywhere but it’s in invisible, like air.

Love is also way more exhausting, I love my dog, so I have a day job, I love myself and so I write but also I hate plenty so both love and hate lead me to the same place. As you can already tell, I’m not the right person to talk about love, as a matter of fact, I doubt there is a right “person” at all, or if so I haven’t found her yet. I probably really would die if I ever did because while a person is supposed to love who you are, we want to be better.

If anything love is the ultimate fuck off to self because when you love it can’t be about you, everything you are becomes about someone else, you are indeed prepared to die but that someone that something has to be prepared to do the same, no even greater and so you rise as well. That’s something that “grinds my gears” as Peter Griffin would say, people who just love everything and whatever it is they love isn’t giving anything back to them to be sure. Is it strange that I consider Love a holy word, a magic word, a word not to be taken likely because when I love, I give all of myself and nobody ever taught me such a thing, and just to be clear I don’t even love myself, I’m still alive?

I’m still alive because of my hate, my wrath has no bounds, and nobody has ever wanted my love, because what could that possibly mean to them? The one thing on this Earth I truly love is incapable of ever saying the word and he doesn’t ever have to really.

So I will wait because I don’t know what else I can do don’t you “love” how I keep going back to songs; I can’t go looking for love… okay, I swear I’ll stop now with the music. I do believe though, just as much as I hate this next breath, I’d love to believe Love Is Worth Dying For.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 123 ~Going Around In Circles~

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Why I don’t watch NASCAR, I suppose I like to see a clear ending, going around in a circle only to celebrate by doing it again, a victory lap and then again just sitting here *sigh*. Going Around In Circles, the world is round OH how I know that

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Lesson 123 ~Going Around In Circles~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear of me dying today at least maybe I could use as I said, a lot of forgiveness as always, today it would be for my old car, the fact that I have probably told this story a few times, my smile, and the fact that NaNoWriMo starts today and what the hell am I going to do about it now?

So that we never forget, maybe I was lazy, maybe I was being a Scrooge, maybe I just hated myself so much but some years back my brakes failed… as I knew they would and I crashed back into a tree. A full circle and I didn’t hit anything but that tree, why I’m grateful for my morning shift; isn’t that something grateful to still have a job but not to be alive, my priorities.

Speaking of work and last night being Halloween, I wish I could take off this mask I call a smile, a fucked up smile at that or at least make it do a 180. How about finding the last thing that made me go “OH” or maybe the last good thing, life seems to be a circle of the bad, like the song goes, Every Day Is Exactly The Same.

That’s probably why I keep telling the same stories, stuck in the past, those that don’t learn from history and what not and tell me what the future has ever offered me. Yes Inspector Echo I’m complicit in my own murder every day or like “Morgan” from The Walking Dead, I don’t die, worse I could be a walker *sigh*.

Yet another reason I’m probably not participating in NaNoWriMo; is my creativity dead or again I’m just being lazy, even now I’m in bed and today I got the chance to leave early and I didn’t think twice. If only my past could be like that but it all comes around again or maybe I should think outside the box.

My greatest sin of all but if I talked about that thing, that thing, that thing” Doo Wop from Lauryn Hill; I swear my sins are like all my other chores sometimes.

So I am sorry Inspector Echo, for not caring enough to have the car fixed, for being stuck, for being a liar by omission and somewhat of a lazy ass but I’ll apologize some more because as we know, Going Around In Circles.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 122 ~Future Wife, The Musical~

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Sometimes I can barely speak and you want me to sing, though I wouldn’t mind being some businessman in a karaoke bar at some point. Future Wife, The Musical, I wish there was music so I would know I’m getting close to finding her.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Lesson 122 ~Future Wife, The Musical~

Dear Future Wife,
No Fear but maybe if I met you when I was younger, and I can’t promise you won’t hear me in the shower, or when I’m attempting to cut the grass, there was even a point where I attempted to be a songwriter and I’ve only written a song once for a girl. I’d write a song for you but I would probably have someone else sing it for sure, and yet for you to sing to me would be so wonderful.

I’m sure I’ve said it before but my absolute favorite thing is to just lie in bed on a Saturday morning just for two or three hours and listen to 40’s-50’s nuclear war tunes. If I’m not quoting movies “Seeking a Friend for the End of the World” I’ll usually quote songs and really what are we doing if we aren’t seeking a friend for the end of the world. Is that my way of telling you that I’ll love you forever, I’m sure there are plenty of songs that will tell you that much.

Unless Ellie Goulding comes walking down the street and then I might be out the door… what can I say I’m a fool for a siren, a songstress, and a good video game medley. Everything but gospel although I do have a song from Building 429… what did you think I was hiding, this or that but yeah if you check my phone I’ll probably have some weird playlist. Sometimes talking just seems like so much noise, no not you but others and I look forward to the day that we can ignore people together with our earphones, walking together.

Discovering you will be like discovering my favorite song, my favorite playlist, and I suppose our taste will evolve together. I talk of singing but what about dancing, I’m not sure when in public but I remember being on the side of the road and dancing to “Drunk On You.

I imagine the song that will be you to me and me to you, I wonder what song we may call ours at one point. Most of all I just want your voice because what can honestly be more beautiful than three little words I long to hear from you.

If anything I’ll ask you to play that song for me, it ain’t “Easy Street” but Future Wife, The Musical.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 121 ~Hate Will Keep You Alive~

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I don’t want to hate, which is why I spend most days alone with the exception of the dog and sometimes I believe even he is a bit iffy when it comes to me or am I just that paranoid. Hate Will Keep You Alive, and I’m still standing huh

Monday, October 30, 2017

Lesson 121 ~Hate Will Keep You Alive~

Fourth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear of the two-part rule which I will discuss next week but part one is “hate will keep you alive”, so will love depending on how you define living. Love if anything is meant to be a gift but something you don’t have to work for… there is no such thing as a free lunch, isn’t that right Justice.

Hate, on the other hand, makes you work for it, makes you strive for it if anything mankind has proven time and again that we strive for our own destruction because we make love a job. Would you say humans created weapons out of love for others or hatred though I honestly believe love can be an incredible weapon in itself? Here’s something I’ve always hated, those people that say you can’t love others if you don’t love yourself, this is a damnable lie indeed.

I think I love plenty, okay at least my dog, I love him but most days I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. If something were to happen to him though by someone else’s hand I would go to war and I would rampage until justice is done and would that not be out of love for him? How many love affairs spawned from hate, Romeo & Juliet and love for each other killed them before hatred of one another’s family. Can love be taught, hatred has to be, and I’m always on the cusp of quoting Master Yoda’s teaching on fear.

Maybe I fear myself so much which leads to my hatred, I mean I hate so many and my father is at the top of that list or so I assumed a minute ago. I hate enough that I remain in a constant state of exhaustion but is love equal, I don’t love my friends but I do work to make sure their comfortable in my presence and some days I actually hate myself more because of this I think.

Hate is literally what gets me out of the bed most mornings, working a job I hate, I look at the world and I prepare myself to stand as if I were Atlas. Why is it love that makes me a coward and hate that brings forth a zest for life, for my own survival?

It could be other people, how they look at me like they are allowed to do and say whatever and call it kidding, jokes, dame near hate speech, I know, Hate Will Keep You Alive.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 116 ~Mercy Prevail Over Wrath~

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My mercy prevails over my wrath or more like my fear because God help me if I have such confidence to express such anger other than slapping myself in the face over everything I feel. Mercy Prevail Over Wrath, from the Koran and The Walking Dead

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Lesson 116 ~Mercy Prevail Over Wrath~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear but how much anger will it take to drive it all out because I’m not sure I have enough, it may never be enough and why should I wish it to be? Maybe a better question would be why I feel such hatred anyway, is it hatred, and still why.

I might have mentioned to Lady Luna how much I despise being late, though I wasn’t late and this is for my day job which sickens me enough that body actually rejects anything for breakfast. Is it the fact that I’m so weak, you know if it came to writing a novel on my weakness it might be a few pages less than my fear? Am I angry that I am again found so inadequate, so worthless, that anybody can just be thrown into my job, or is it the fact that I’m so voiceless that my presence must be announced to the whole building because I can’t tell one guy that I didn’t get a phone call to come in and work earlier today.

Is it the fact that I want to hate one guy and yet if he were promoted over me if he became the boss as I said before if you can’t love and you don’t wish to hate, understand and that I do. Only that doesn’t erase jealously which again stokes my ire and something else I must apologize for “males shouldn’t be jealous, that’s a female trait” in the immortal words of Jay-Z but doesn’t that make me sound sexist. Hell, a word in the vocabulary I wish I could erase at the moment “SEX’ I am so weak, I am so tired, and not even sleep helped, but if it doesn’t, like duct tape you just need more.

I become more like my father which both scares me and angers me, disguise fair nature with rage right, hate the whole damn world and hide such fear and self-loathing but being in his head might be scarier than my own… nah. Isn’t that who I should apologize to most of all, myself, this is what this is all about isn’t it, apologizing for my past sins but today it’s just might anger and since I’m going in tomorrow I’ll have plenty more reasons to be sorry, going at all.

So I am sorry Inspector Echo, wish I could say I won’t ever hate myself, that my anger will dissipate but like Rick Grimes, I ask only this for tomorrow may Mercy Prevail Over Wrath.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 115 ~I’m So Damn Hot~

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Beautiful might be a better word, how about gorgeous, cute, pretty, or what have you, but it’s been a long time since I have been lovesick, felt passion, heat, or anything else. “I’m So Damn Hot” or maybe that’s just been the weather lately

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Lesson 115 ~I’m So Damn Hot~

Dear Future Wife,
No Fear but before you think I have a big head or I lack the confidence to say such a thing, to quote Olaf “I like warm hugs”; I’m not exactly a Disney nerd but that movie isn’t going anywhere. Neither and I for the most part, no I’m not leaving you, for shame, what I mean is I’m more of a stay in, curl up with a good book, warm super soup belly, mug of tea, movie fanatic guy, just saying.

Good thing I married you because I ‘d be damned if I let you steal one of my hoodies, though I’ll admit it looks good on you and I suppose we’ll have to talk about the thermostat situation. I love the heat but need the cold to sleep, I’m somewhat cold-blooded and not just in video games… I did mention being a nerd right? I was born up north but I’m pretty much a southern boy, though I could see myself in California, someday, a private beach or a wooded glen, away from something that burns me up, which would be most people being honest.

Someplace the fire department would have a hell of a time finding… sounds ominous, just my way of saying I don’t cook, though I know a girl here or there that would have a difference of opinion. If it wasn’t for a microwave and you I suppose I would have starved a long time ago. You know things are bad when the dog hides under the bed or suddenly wants out of the house any moment I turn on the stove or look at the oven or crockpot. Speaking of getting out of the house, I do enjoy going on hikes, not that I have anything against long walks on the beach but what’s best is just sitting next to you, playing footsy in the lake, reading that collection of poetry I finally got around to writing, when that’d happen?

Your arms around me, hot showers, and doing things that should get us both sent straight to Hell but to quote a song, “It’s Only Love”. If it is a Hell-worthy trespass for wanting you the way I do, needing you more than anything else, feeling the way I do and especially if you feel the same way well, at least we’ll be together hmm?

If anything I’ll always burn for you, “I’ll Melt With You” because you’re so damn hot, I’m so damn hot.

“She’s mad but she’s magic. There’s no lie in her fire.”
― from Charles Bukowski

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 114 ~Now The Work Can Begin~

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“You need to get up, get out and get something” as the song goes but why can’t I just be inspired by myself, I could quote forever on what it takes to be somebody but when it comes to my body I rather sleep. Now The Work Can Begin because I’m up

Monday, October 23, 2017

Lesson 114 ~Now The Work Can Begin~

Third Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, and when I find a way to somehow believe that or find the courage to overcome, not just for a moment, a day, or when my favorite badass song comes on. Not when I’m mad enough to want to burn the whole world down and in so doing end up destroying my own work out of that fear.

The work begins when I stop hating myself for everything, how I make excuses or my how I want to apologize, how about signing anyway my name for stuff I couldn’t care less about. Hating the man I have grown to be in front of so many others, I hate him as much as much as the man I want to be and what about the man I am at this moment. Fear and hate take work and don’t even get me started on love, it’s even another rule, understanding could make up for all of this and that’s work.

My work begins there, they don’t have to love me and I don’t have to love them but I want to know and it doesn’t help, finding places to hide, it doesn’t help just wanting to survive, how about just dreaming of someday and hoping that I will do better tomorrow. Am I trashing hope, no but hoping to move isn’t the same as moving, you can hope to be saved or you can save yourself, or you can be the one that everyone needs saving from, whatever it is you want to do. That is another part of the work, you don’t have to know where you’re going the point is you’re going and judging from how late it is I’ve been on the road to nowhere too long.

Madam Justice the work does not begin, ever sad morning I get up, full of worry and doubt, scared to death, just wanting everybody to leave me alone, counting the minutes I can climb back into bed. My work started yesterday when I saw my blog get a secure rating, my work started when my fingers began hitting keys, my work started when at the moment we started talking I hated it, maybe still do but I’m here and why can’t I do this every day with people, another thing for my to-do list possibly.

If I finally decide Madam Justice, I have to decide, Now The Work Can Begin.

I Will Have No Fear