Tag: Honesty

Lesson 192 ~Not The Invisible Man~

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I said once that if I could have any superpower I would like to be invisible, doesn’t honestly help with the ladies and no not for the reasons you might think but then again knowing me. “Not The Invisible Man.”

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Lesson 192 ~Not The Invisible Man~

Dear Future Wife,
No Fear, I am here, I am still right here, and you are one of few people that might be comfortable with that sentiment being honest though I wonder where you are. When we’re apart, while you’re dreaming right here next to me when you look at me what do you see?

Maybe I’m too touchy-feely as they say, both emotionally and physically, an exact opposite of Rogue from the X-Men or as the song goes, more than words. I’ve always said, if you’re not my dog, my girl, or applying for the job don’t touch me, don’t stand so close to me and then here he is and here you are. Maybe I’m afraid that, invisibility had become my superpower and it was the power I chose, so much so that I felt you might never find me and when I noticed you, was I creepy?

So it’s in the moments that I don’t have to wonder, while I’m lying here dreaming, and then I feel your touch, and I know that I don’t have to dream alone anymore. The first time we kissed and then the kiss after that and the one after that, no words, no sight, only the touch, the taste, and I behold the most beautiful thing ever. When I feel your arms wrap around me from behind and I know I’m alive, I’m a man with the most beautiful girl, I’m yours, now and always love.

Back to back, side by side, how do you do it, I feel everyone’s eyes on me, but when you don’t look at me at all, I become the most real, the most like myself, and I’m still trying to figure that out. I’m not the invisible man but what power must I have, whatever do you see in me every day and I know I must ask you all the time, I want to, I need to, and when I don’t you just understand.

You take my hand in yours; you lie beside me, you treat as though I’m air, more than this like you rather drown in me and I know I can’t take my eyes off you, or my hands but I try because with you I see myself. I know I want to be that man worthy of you every time I look into the mirror when I look into your eyes, so what’s my power if Not The Invisible Man.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 191 ~I Will Go The Distance~

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I wish I could find the starting line once again but shouldn’t I be looking for the finish line, or maybe there is just so much more race to run, don’t know where I’m going, neither do I most days. I Will Go The Distance

Monday, January 8, 2018

Lesson 191 ~I Will Go The Distance~

Fourteenth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, I’m on my way, at least that’s what my dream seemed to allude to and yes I do believe in visions which is why I found this one so scary. You know I’m not usually awakened from such a desperate necessity, so when I am, it often means something, though I haven’t been fired from the day job.

Hell, even the general manager told me if I’m not happy I should leave and I nearly broke out with that “I got nowhere else to go! I got nowhere else to g… I got nothin’ else.’ Only I’m no officer, and I’m not a gentleman, not when the right girl… okay, a girl I want comes along. There are days I always feel like I’m running you know and there isn’t some light at the end of the tunnel just a brief respite here and there. I suppose the good news is I’m always moving because if you’re not you’re dead but I’m not getting anywhere; another regret, I should have told Indiana Gone, I didn’t get anywhere today despite what my car says.

Now, of course, the first step is always the hardest but next, even if you can’t see it, you have to know there is something out there and Madam Justice I honestly do. The thing is I’m always resting and if I’m moving, well in my dream I slept the whole way, I lost some key I was given, and then my luggage was lost, so much so I spent time this morning just looking through all my travel bags. Is that what my dream was trying to tell me, that I have to get out and I have always been one of those who would instead leap than just step, and cue the Xbox One Jump ahead commercial right?

Every morning I step, but this place must be like a maze and not trying to get all racial because how much do I know but, the black man must fly to hat the white man can walk to, that’s from Chris Rock. So we see comedy is not my thing from a long time ago but writing, just like any of my stories I find where I want to go. As my mother said I would find my way and as the music swells, may I be as strong as Hercules, may I have that kind of heart and I Will Go The Distance?

“For a true hero isn’t measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart.” ―Hercules

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 186 ~Something To Believe In~

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Have faith, but I left the church so long ago, once Santa was gone well Jesus and I lost touch and speaking of touching why don’t I have so many female friends, and don’t get me started on love. “Something To Believe In”

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Lesson 186 ~Something To Believe In~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear if you don’t, as much as I would like some quick forgiveness and this is not explicitly the idea of being unworthy; to this day my parents will never forgive me for being born. Such a way to start off the new year right; I want to know absolution for the things I have believed in and the things I’m going to, my great sin.

Is it innocence or stupidity that I believed in Santa until I was nine years old, then I made the mistake of stealing that wonder from my sister. What about believing in God, Inspector Echo, I COULD be going to Hell for plenty, but this is the least of my concerns. Personally, I always considered myself second tier in Hell, that would be lust hopefully. What about faith, hope, and love, we also mustn’t forget about power but do I still believe in a thing called love… I’m afraid so.

I’m also afraid of turning out like Harvey Weinstein, I believe I grow tentacles when it comes to particular women, and I foolishly presume they want me, but maybe that’s a conversation for “Dirty Diana.” I speculated that when I was playing a gentleman, a note here, a comment there, I was making my best impression of a skeeve pervert, but we’ll talk about things I can’t let go of next week maybe. How about the time I proposed to Jessica Rey, (Power Rangers Wild Force)… how old was I, and perhaps it doesn’t help that I bought Mia Rose stuff, or tried to because I thought I could get a pornstar to like me?

It’s called being a man or a fool, and as the song goes, what a fool believes and again we go back to love, I hope that there is some girl out there for me. How about the fact that I contend that I can be a leader of men someday. Apparently, you didn’t see me at work today, is it wrong that I hope two of those guys get fired, not that I’ll let the shame go anytime soon.

What about the hope that somehow or another something will happen tomorrow and that I won’t have blue balls. Forgive me Inspector Echo; I apologize for having faith in myself about anything at all, that I have faith in me, whether I find forgiveness or not, mad or false hope there’s Something To Believe In.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 185 ~Nice Guys Finish Last~

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Love will find you, not if you never go anywhere and I probably should have made that another resolution, to get out more because I’m so far behind as is, sorry but your princess is in another castle, or so they say. “Nice Guys Finish Last”

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Lesson 185 ~Nice Guys Finish Last~

Dear Future Wife,
No Fear, the princess always gets rescued in the end, as if you needed it, though I ask myself, however, did I find my way to Heaven, you are an angel, right? Yeah and I’m no nice guy though my mother raised a gentleman, so it’s a miracle I found you at all, at the closing of the year or the beginning.

I doubt it was a new year’s kiss, though I look forward to every one of ours now that we have found each other. Math was never my strong suit, and neither is a history anymore and don’t get me started on PE, but with you, I want to know everything and for the first time in my life I find myself late for something. If anything I was late loving you, and for that, I apologize but is it the journey or the destination that matters in truth babe?

On the one hand, I’m the first, the last, the only, to be your husband and you’re my wife, so I think we both deserve the gold there, and we have evidence of that. We both have something to do with our sweetest creation. Once upon a time, I was busy. Writing about you, dreaming of you, trying to please you; well, I don’t mind finishing last there, but then you were late, and well there’s history. What about the day we met, the look on your face when we first kissed, the man I was before all of this, no it wasn’t the journey it’s the destination, you’re here.

Then again, how long did it take to kiss you, how long until the first I love you, the first fight, makeup, it’s been a long road getting from there to here and shall we talk about geography as well? One more year, what’s one more year to us, I want tomorrow, Valentine’s, birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, and new year’s tell me where you’ll be the day after, will I be chasing after you or not.

I will stand before you against any and all but when it comes to this house, our children, even the dog, and undoubtedly you I guess I don’t mind being in dead last. Perhaps I am a fool, but love makes fools of us all and Nice Guys Finish Last.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 184 ~Power Is All That Matters~

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Power has five letters, and love has four, is less more, sorry to say not in this instance but if I wanted to control as badly as I want to love and maybe that’s my problem, people speak of one, it’s wrong to want the other. Power Is All That Matters

Monday, January 1, 2018

Lesson 184 ~Power Is All That Matters~

Thirteenth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, power should not be so easily obtainable, Tony Montana taught us this, but even women beat out his real motives honestly. I find myself quite the same because as the song goes, no one man should have all that power, it’s too high, too much of a fight, and too much to endure.

So we call power “love” so that we can share the burden, and even then we become slaves to it, we just can’t help ourselves because love is as a disease and this I believe. It takes on other forms, politics, money, violence, all symptoms of the same sickness, it’s like saying you have a fever when you know you have the Ebola virus, and you end up killing everyone around you trying to deny it. There are those that say absolute power corrupts absolutely or how about those we hold up as shining examples such as Captain America, a man given such power and then he becomes a hero.

One of my favorites is that everything is about sex, but sex itself is about power, now that I’ve felt and is probably closest to the truth. Power to me is merely controlling, no more, no less, and that I would not give away to anyone but first you must obtain power over yourself, and I can think of no better way to announce the new year than this possibly. Save a life, save the world entirely, if you gain power, control over just one person, yourself then there is nothing more exceptional, no fear.

Every footstep, every breath, every look, heartbeat, the release is controlled but then what does this mean for freedom, as 1984 put it “Freedom Is Slavery” to have someone anyone else in control, in power, is liberating. Take Domination and Submission as the perfect example, is this not a testament to a submissive’s power, to give such things to a dominant and perhaps they do not possess such control over themselves but only in another.

As for myself, I seek power not just over myself but life entire, and that is worth more to me than anything else, but while I know that I want this how best to obtain it, dear Madam Justice *sigh* Power Is All That Matters.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 179 ~In My Father’s House~

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With these hands as the song goes but I’m afraid I don’t have an answer to what they could do, should do, or would do and much like when I was failing Math all I could genuinely do is write out more questions, again and again. “In My Father’s House.”

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Lesson 179 ~In My Father’s House~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, for as Elton John put it, “If I was a sculptor, but then again, no,” I’m not much of a master builder, or a craftsman of any sort and yet I dare to call myself a writer. Maybe because my writing isn’t meant to make people comfortable by any means, my hell, my white room, or red room as the case may be most days.

It seems I go out of my way to make people comfortable, well as much as I can and the thing is no matter what I’m never comfortable even in my place, my comfort zone they call it. Not to sound like a Mad World but it my bed sleeping is the best I can do when it comes to myself and anybody else. You know what’s truly sad is that even my death will be some great inconvenience that I feel guilty about and that’s my sin for today, the fact that I’m always in the way every day.

Now how can that be a sin, I don’t mind watching the world burn as much as the next man, but I’m supposed to be doing something, and not just working but doing it well. Perhaps my failures are catching up to me, I mean didn’t I pay my bill, didn’t I go shopping and the fact that I can do all of these things and can’t put a coffee table together. I got the hammer and the nails… makes me think about my crucifixion but even in that, I find myself lacking and honestly what am I complaining about I should consider myself lucky?

In my father’s house are many mansions or something like that in the bible, but I believe I have told you about my sloth-like ways plenty, I can’t stand being idle, but I can’t stand being a waste of air either, another reason I don’t talk perhaps? Working with my hands is not for me, whether it’s building furniture or trying to remake the universe in my twisted, distorted image.

So is that what I’m apologizing for tonight, a lack of purpose or for failing at the things I give myself to contribute to myself, to a girl, to the world at large. Do you forgive me Inspector Echo for this travesty of life or even survival as I dream yet again of one-day being lost, In My Father’s House?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 178 ~Shook Me All Night~

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All I want for Christmas all I need is the money to pay for it, boys dream of toys and men dream of, well; I think Santa is a good man, and if I could do all that he can for the world, for the family I hope to have one day? “Shook Me All Night.”

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Lesson 178 ~Shook Me All Night~

Dear Future Wife,
No Fear, you know I’m usually all in my head about something and now that I have you why do I need to dream but as the song goes “Some Nights.” You’re more than enough to keep me up, to hold me down, whatever could make me want to leave your side?

This time of year, we have little faces waiting for Santa coming to visit, and I will never let them down, not even the dog that is looking for everybody to share with him. There is the woman I love more than life, and I won’t leave it to just Christmas, Valentine’s, or your birthday if I’m not showing you every day how long will I love you then I’m not doing my job. Maybe that’s what shook me last night after all the gifts were open, the kids drifting off with smiles, my four-legged friend stuffed and you my happy wife, I want more than one perfect day for all of us but how?

Keep doing what I’m doing, that’s a lot for a man like Santa, and he only needs to do it one day out of the year, and maybe that’s what scares me, the other 364 days out of the year my love. Last night I thought about how quickly we could come to Santa not having a roof to stand on, the one that I want to keep over our heads. I tell you this, hold each other, dance to “All You Need Is Love” but I can’t shake this feeling, but we’re in this together. By what right would I ever have to doubt you, this, or us, If I didn’t believe; you make me feel like a kid on Christmas every single morning.

They call it a man’s world though, and you know that I’m not like most, I’m luckier, more in love, I’m yours, and I suppose that what the rest of the world thinks doesn’t matter. So we pretend but not with us, no never with us, and that’s why I woke up so early, no more sugar plums for me, yet what would I call you, beautiful, “good girl,” mine?

A reason to come back to bed, a reason I won’t have another nightmare because you shook me all night?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 177 ~ Medicate for Your Protection, Yours~

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I remember when I gained a pretty good drug connection thanks to my “Olds,” and I didn’t appreciate it back then, now “good” drugs are kinda expensive but to be fair, I wouldn’t be medicating for the right reasons. Medicate for Your Protection, Yours

Monday, December 25, 2017

Lesson 177 ~ Medicate for Your Protection, Yours~

Twelfth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, this isn’t the twelve days of Christmas for if it were, I would find myself locked in an insane asylum but then again here I am talking to you. Strange that the traditional white room is for everyone else but the blank white page is for me, and this is what I mean by medication for me.

Medication, Meditation, Meditation, sometimes they have been choices and others times forces beyond my control, I still remember I would dance when I would flush the meds my “father” would give me. Okay so this isn’t sounding so much about Christmas, but the truth has always been a gift, and like life itself sometimes I wish I could return it, get a refund, read the reviews of what other people have thought about it. Other people, anytime I have tried to kill myself it has been all for other people, and that’s the lesson, my life, health, and death have always been for those people.

When I was on medication, even to this day it’s not been me I’m ever worried about, I hurt, I suffer, and when I am getting well it’s to make them fill better and not me. Maybe that’s why I’ve stopped with the meds; I told Indiana Gone that I would fill so angry afterward because those pills were making me not be me. I could tell you about some chemical or something, but people did the damage, and then they expect me to find the cure, and even my death would just make their lives better, or maybe it’s like how they talk of suicide I might hurt them.

Maybe I don’t need a cure; perhaps they are the symptom of a sick, sad world, suppose I am the cure, but I give myself too much credit don’t I Madam Justice? Tomorrow things will go back to normal, and again I will be stuck with the truth, I’ll have me, just one day and didn’t I say last night that I need to have faith that ‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right!’ as Bob Marley believed right?

Speaking of music though I won’t belt out love is the answer or even a problem a few funerals won’t solve. The point is if I want to get high if I want to fix whatever’s broken, if I want to be well, it shouldn’t be for anyone else… now, Medicate for Your Protection, Yours.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 172 ~Can You Read Sucker~

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How many stars did they get again and my mind must have been somewhere in the stars considering I didn’t see what was right in front of my face when it came to these titles that I decided to review. “Can You Read Sucker,” it saved me once upon a time

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Lesson 172 ~Can You Read Sucker~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, I’m no reviewer, contrary to popular opinion, so I’m glad the two books in question, I wasn’t asked to review I only wrote about them because, well apparently that’s what I do now. Perhaps my biggest sin is when I don’t keep my mouth shut, I could talk to you about yesterday but another story for another time, this one today is about “Story of O” and “Shiver” two reviews.

I have no excuse for either Inspector Echo, you know me sometimes I’m lazy, sometimes I’m just super dumb, and others, I’m just the typical guy looking to get satisfaction, which I suppose is redundant but whatever. As one of my rules dictates, “I Take My Own Lumps,” and with everything that I run away from in life, I say I’m going to Hell anyway so I’m not going to run from responsibility, for the most part. When it comes to Story of O, you’ll have to forgive me for this simple mistake; I didn’t know that there was a sequel, still, haven’t read it.

When it comes to Shiver, I would say I didn’t read the fine print, but it was right before my eyes, and I just wanted to get off; the good news is this book kept me on the straight and narrow path, emphasis on straight and the man I am. Could I perhaps be forgiven for the fact that I read the book anyway; most Christians wouldn’t think so, it being a gay romance but love is love, and as the song goes, I believe in a thing called love. So why did I call the book out for something I should have known; these books are like porn for women, and that’s a crime perhaps calling it out like that, but reading could beat Pornhub and Xvideos don’t you think, a kind thought nevertheless.

Now wouldn’t you think the responsible thing to do would be to correct my reviews to a certain degree, it’s not just enough to say you’re sorry but you must make amends if at all possible. I did preface my review of Shiver, but that still doesn’t make it right and again makes me look lazy and dumb; unlike in my spoken life, my writing is the one place I would at least like to pretend I’m smart at least.

So I’m sorry for the reviews, I’m sorry for any offense towards gays or women, and honestly, I do respect some Christians, and I’m sorry for being a lazy ass but do I have your forgiveness Inspector Echo, and you ask Can You Read Sucker.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 171 ~A Spoonful Of Sugar~

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“WebMD” is a friend to no man, and yet we’re all big babies when we get sick, and no my mother isn’t here, and the dog can only do so much to comfort me, but God bless him for trying. A Spoonful Of Sugar, she doesn’t have to be, “Mary Poppins Y’all.”

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Lesson 171 ~A Spoonful Of Sugar~

Dear Future Wife,
No Fear, if WebMD just happens to be right for once and I’m dying well… you’re my angel, and this must be paradise so I’ll do everything to stay with you now. Even if I feel like Hell at the moment, you give me fever, “I’m addicted,” and love hurts sometimes, and that’s just a fact baby.

Ooh, baby, baby, I won’t ask you to stay, I’m not sure what I look like or if I won’t be running around every ten minutes and I’m sure I’m the one being the baby. My love, you brought life into this world, and here I am praying for the hour of my death, and at the same time, I’m burning, freezing, coughing and sneezing, queasy and nauseous, but you’ve seen me worse right? I can’t imagine how you are seeing me now head in a bucket or curled up in the fetal position, maybe locked behind some door now.

You couldn’t save me before, and I’m not asking for you to keep me now, so what am I asking; of all the things I could ask a beautiful woman and as I said I wouldn’t ask you to stay and I won’t tell you to go. The golden rule maybe because if you were here instead of me, I wouldn’t leave you alone, I know my place would be at your side even if you hated me seeing you in such a state. I guess I’m just not used to anyone wanting to look after me and I try so hard, to be so strong, and now I can’t even pretend anymore, and yet you’re still here with me.

In sickness and in health isn’t that what they teach, forsaking all others but we got bills to pay and sometimes a man has got to be a man, a husband, a lover, a friend, a father and so many other things. My woman, wife, lover, friend, mother to our children and how can I ask you to be my nurse or indeed anything else.

Only you’re the one making me take my meds, cooking, cleaning, holding my hand, singing to me, bringing me back to life and that is difficult for me to accept. A bitter pill to swallow but I love you for it, you don’t have to kiss me though, I must look so gross right now but A Spoonful Of Sugar.

I Will Have No Fear