Tag: Journal

Lesson 094 ~Whole Lot Of World~

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It all started with a hole in my shoe today but I can get new shoes, it’s words that are awfully expensive, just ask whoever makes gravestones; am I incapable of being positive? “Whole Lot Of World”, these days and I’m only seeing the ugly.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Lesson 094 ~Whole Lot Of World~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear, there is a whole lot of world, after all, that’s me being positive just so you know because I was thinking the lesson would be Hole In The World and that’s true as well. You know I figured I had discovered the meaning of life before, have I shared that with you… anyway since this is only a working idea for the moment, I think maybe the ‘purpose’ is to fill the holes, and there are just so many Luna.

In our own way we are all gravediggers and maybe to avoid that fate we seek lives worth remembrance, and in that we become immortal. Take myself as an example, I want to be a writer, can’t say I will ever be a good one but I want people to see my words, possibly hear them, I want them to feel those little gaps in our brain, hell I told somebody once, if there is such a thing as reincarnation, I would like to be a virus. Also, I can’t say I don’t find let’s say a “Hostel” concept to be somewhat intriguing my lady.

Today my eyes were sort of wonky and you know I had one of those weird thoughts I do, this time it was about going blind because I ate a pickle but that being said I figured if I ever did go blind just kill me. With my luck, some blind person will be offended but I thought of all the holes we have and how we are in a constant need to feel them, mouths with words, eyes with beauty, ears with voices. All of this can be done by one person, a hole in the heart perhaps, you start with one at a time isn’t that right, one person trying to get to the bottom of you perhaps.

I’m still trying to do that myself, how many times have I thought of myself as one of “The Walking Dead” and I just need to be exhumed sort of like “Warm Bodies”. There is some good news, I noticed I survived the days of Sapphire though I still feel ‘anxiety” when I hear something outside, today it was the garbage truck, not the police.

So what have I learned today, other than I should listen to something other than my own insecurities, that I should see something beautiful, other than hentai, as always I’m full of crap but there’s a Whole Lot Of World?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 093 ~And The Sun Rises~

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How many knew they had watched their last sunrise and how many of those have I regretted, that I wish I didn’t have to see if anything I should be more grateful to be sure. “And The Sun Rises”, maybe tomorrow, maybe the day after, who knows

Monday, October 2, 2017

Lesson 093 ~And The Sun Rises~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear, you got to remember to keep your head up, and yes that is going in the rule book but speaking of which there are exceptions and one of those is when you’re being shot at. I swear I don’t know what is going on with the world today and how many times have I said, I’m not cut out for politics but to think my biggest problem this morning was I couldn’t keep my head up around this construction guy and then a few minutes later I learned there had been yet another shooting; some people will never raise their heads again and I’m complaining?

Death does not frighten me Lady Lu, of course you know this, I was in my car yesterday “Just Cruisin’” and the thought that if there was a button that could end my life so easily I’d probably push it. Suicidal tendencies as always but I’m doing pretty okay for just being human… when did I start explaining myself to you especially since I want to start writing today? As this Walmart greeter said, any day above ground right, and as we have discussed before just because so many others have it worse right now doesn’t make my problems any less valid and yes I am grateful, though I’m always saying that about my day job and that’s fear talking.

Speaking of fear talking, I was watching Fear The Walking Dead last night and this lady made Alicia promise that she wouldn’t make decisions based on fear and we know that’s my bread and butter. Also, a note, don’t let me buy bread and butter pickles anymore those things are gross but what does any of this have to do with today’s lesson? I was thinking that the sun isn’t scared to rise and neither is the moon, how about Braxton, how about any of those people who were at that concert just living life?

No, Luna, I don’t owe you a damn thing even remembering how we got back to talking, I don’t owe any bitch if anything I owe Braxton, but my point is that it’s a new day and what am I going to do with it, why fear it at all? So what have we learned besides the fact that sometimes I feel immortal or I’m dead and in Hell, and other times I know I need to get to work because I’m still here Lady Lu And The Sun Rises?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 092 ~Is Creativity An Orphan~

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I never meant to leave my creative spark behind or maybe it’s running away, it’s the reason Braxton still has a leash and a big fence, but now I think the ideas are back the voices… am I crazy? “Is Creativity An Orphan”?

Sunday, October 1, 2017

Lesson 092 ~Is Creativity An Orphan~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear and no ladies either, really what am I still talking to you for… I’m just kidding but I didn’t kid properly if I hurt your feelings. Anyway today’s lesson, I was thinking of that saying ‘necessity is the mother of invention’ but what is my need and that’s easy, someone’s got to hear my story.

I’m still going about it all half-assed but didn’t Martin Luther King Jr have a dream, maybe I should feel bad about using such a great man’s concept but I can dream too and now I’m starting to formulate a plan. For example, you know that brothel I always dreamed about owning, like Dennis Hof, I brought it up yesterday, another one of my Second Circle Creations ideas, I was thinking I could do that with my writing, talk about going mad, seven different characters inside my head. I go crazier by the day don’t you think and what does this have to do with the lesson… Bereft of family, friends, and a world I don’t like a writer has become an orphan and when the words are embraced, maybe we don’t feel so alone?

Which brings me to “Degrees of Falling” I’m still planning on writing that novella, ‘six degrees of separation’ might be a more apt title but since we know what I’m writing it about… Maybe I owe my ISP a big favor today because the service has been sucky which is actually forcing me to focus on my writing but our chat is still going nowhere am I right or am I right? How about the idea that I kill off most of my characters but I don’t want to give my latest story away now that the thought is finally coming to me, and it might actually be accomplished, right?

Some of the best writing is supposed to come from pain and suffering or so I’ve heard, it’s part of what I believe makes me a good dominant; I’m submissive to my writing, damn near a masochist when it comes to what writing actually does to me. In turn, I become the dominant of my words and my feelings, and while I rather not give ‘some people’ the satisfaction I finally know what to write.

So what have we learned today besides the fact that I must really be missing porn “Runaways 10 (Kitty Marie)” to be precise but she was a runaway, not an orphan, but when creativity strikes I don’t know today it just felt like I was resurrected with it, ideas in my head so again I ask Is Creativity An Orphan.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 091 ~Eye A Terrible Aspect~

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Lust, at first sight, is a real thing so you can’t look anymore, the words will have to be enough and the possible numbers of sales, maybe not on a bookshelf not yet but the world is full of beautiful things. Eye A Terrible Aspect

Saturday, September 30, 2017

Lesson 091 ~Eye A Terrible Aspect~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear but I can feel it coming in the air tonight, and more so tomorrow, and the next day and God help me when I have to go back to my day job. You know me and my religious references still a hard habit to break but anyway today’s lesson and it’s getting hard, how hard?

“For fifteen minutes. That’s the day I realized that there was this entire life behind things and this incredibly benevolent force that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video’s a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember… I need to remember… Sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can’t take it, and my heart is just going to cave in.” American Beauty

Hard enough that I’ve been sleeping, even more, you might call it depression and maybe you would be right but there is so much beauty in the world and it isn’t mine. I’ve been sort of nervous about anyone, especially my future wife, reading our conversations but what am I supposed to do, lie, I omit, I give the truth scope, but I don’t lie. That’s what I was thinking about this morning, again the lesson, I lend the eye a terrible aspect and I will do far more maybe.

“Well, you know, Henry Miller said the best way to get over a woman is to turn her into literature.” 500 Days of Summer (2009)

I finally got a name for my short story, novelette, novella, I’m not even sure yet “Degrees of Falling”; you see I wish I could feel something good, I don’t see the good, I see the beauty and “Beauty Doesn’t Always Equal Good”. Lady Lu you know that’s going to be a rule, but what I mean is, all the things that I’ve done in the name of beauty and because I’m a man, it’s my duty, my obligation, hell privilege but’s let’s call it human nature to be an idiot when it comes to women. Another mystery Luna how do you make a woman look bad without some dreadful crime, I mean other than your own embarrassment or wounded pride; so many questions seriously?

“Only women were capable of being so fucking sexy you wanted to lick them clean when they considered themselves dirty.”
― Captive in the Dark

This sort of leads me to another idea, as I said before, maybe since we chat every day I should have seven ladies… no I’m not a pimp, at least not yet but besides you who act as my therapist, I could write to my future lady though I don’t think that will help and what about nemesis for all my rules, which makes three. Don’t I sound like a madman but three months of chat and I’ve told you more than any real therapist and “Indiana Gone” might be mad but she just wouldn’t get it, I mean no one understands in the least.

“A man’s sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions…. He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer–because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement.”
Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

So what have we learned today besides my new rule, always look on the bright side of life… no, there’s a reason I exist in the dark or lost in the words because the world is a beautiful place but my work I will lend the Eye A Terrible Aspect.

“In peace, nothing so becomes a man as modesty and humility, but when the blast of war blows in our ears, then imitate the action of the tiger, summon up the blood, disguise fair nature with rage and lend the eye a terrible aspect.” – Henry V and The Postman

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 090 ~You’re Never Full Dressed~

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Smiling hurts but when you choose to be the hero or even the villain, that’s exactly what you’re signing up for pain; everyone is fighting and smiling about it. “You’re Never Fully Dressed” without a smile as the song goes why my cape is a bedsheet.

Friday, September 29, 2017

Lesson 090 ~You’re Never Full Dressed~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear and no smile either but instead a question; what is the purpose of a cape for the internet can be quite obtuse or maybe that’s just me to be sure.

I think I told you before I never really buy clothes, in fact, the last time I actually went clothes shopping was when I didn’t comply with the dress code at work and “Indiana Gone” keeps me decked out in black t-shirts; weird for a girl that can’t keep her clothes on. What about the fact that she’s always wearing a smile for me which in a way leaves her better off; when’s the last time I’ve worn a genuine smile or she’s just bias, other people not so much. A smile is just part of the mask I wear, hell damn near a necessity, you wear a coat because it’s cold, I wear a hoodie because it helps, I wear a smile to not get fired or to pretend.

So back to my original question what is the purpose of a cape, I must admit I like the idea of “cloak and dagger” you can hide a weapon, you can protect yourself with one arm, you can protect your identity. When I say that think about how both heroes and some villains have adapted it and while I don’t have any real respect for bullfighters you have these skinny guys hiding soft flesh behind a cape, the bull obviously would think he’s stronger. It might help me look more like a gentleman, as much as I would like some girl to start wearing my plaid shirts, my jacket, or want to steal my hoodie all I have is my smile but you don’t know how hard it is Luna.

Dr. Strange wears the Cloak of Levitation, but my cape, this freaky ass smile as Negan would say, allows me just to stand and then to put that smile on other people’s faces as they tear me down… You want to know why I don’t have to buy anything, my bedsheets are my new cape, and writing to you is slightly easier and how about my music, can I fly?

So what have I learned today because no Lady Luna I can’t fly, despite a new follower here or there, or how these words fly… no, they crash but at least I don’t have to speak them because we know right You’re Never Fully Dressed.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 089 ~An Ancient Willie Secret~

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I go back and forth between remembering everything and trying to forget, it’s a thin line between love and hate as the song goes but for now, I just want to forget last night but when and how? “An Ancient Willie Secret”, and I forgot him too

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Lesson 089 ~An Ancient Willie Secret~

Hey Lady Lu
No fear, at least there wasn’t when I sat in “alternative” school until the police came, or the time I hadn’t eaten for three days, slowly starving myself, or even the time things were said and I discovered what she really thought of me. The art of forgetting is an ancient secret, I forget it as soon as the deed as done but after last night I could surely use it now and remind me to write it down… if I’m here.

“Sharing is caring. Privacy is theft. Secrets are lies.” ― Dave Eggers, The Circle (2013)

This is one of those times, I really have to debate what to tell you Lady Lu, we should be safe here, trust me I’m trying to rally the funds but of course, that’s not what this is about. I did something last night and I could tell you but honestly, I’m not even sure I’ll be here should I ever gather the courage… no, I’m not thinking suicide again but I could be in trouble which gets me back on topic. We talked yesterday about turning your back on the problem or whining about something while people are so much worse off than me.

So you want to know how I forget, I read until early in the morning and when I can’t keep my eyes open anymore I disappear into the sheets. I demand everything to be clean “cleanliness is next to Godliness” or so they say, it’s as if to say if my environment is clean my body, my books balanced, everything in its proper place, then perhaps my mind won’t be nearly as filthy. What about going back to Co-Ed Confidential ‘vote with your crotch’ how often have I told you I’m lost, your mind can trick you, your heart can be broken, and let’s not get started on guts but your naughty bits always know what they want, don’t they.

Remember when Playboy was as secret as it got, R.I.P. Hugh Hefner; Playboy is a way of life but we all still have secrets. Maybe, Luna, that’s how I do it every time, I reinvent myself, I have talked about hitting rock bottom but Heaven has spheres, Hell has circles and I just crash through level upon level, destroying myself so that I can keep these secrets and still stand.

So what have I learned today, it’s been nearly twelve hours since another sin, no police at the door but maybe today or tomorrow, probably might survive these days of sapphire, hell this could all be in my mind. Secrets are heavy Lady Lu and if I forget what has happened by some miracle it will still be there but I keep surviving but how, why An Ancient Willie Secret.

“So you have to care about yourself.

You don’t have to believe your life is precious, but that all life is precious.

You have to redirect those thoughts, the history that tells you otherwise.

What we’ve done, we’ve done.

We evade it by moving forward with a code to never do it again.

To make up for it.

To still accept what we were.

To accept everyone.

To protect everyone.

And in doing that, protect yourself.

To create peace.” Here’s Not Here, The Walking Dead

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 088 ~What Validates A Problem~

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Bask in the glory, of all our problems as the song goes but what are we crying about because there is someone that always has it worse and we’re being selfish? “What Validates A Problem”, is this yet something else I can’t answer?

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Lesson 088 ~What Validates A Problem~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear but an answer to a question, how do you solve a problem, I mean any problem in this big wonderful world of ours and I answer, create a bigger problem.

I was talking to “M Anime” today and I feel really bad because I consider her a friend and she feels really bad for considering herself instead of others. Now why do we do that, we’re not allowed to feel bad because other people feel worse, what sort of world is it when we can’t even own what selfishness, I can’t worry about me because I have to worry about you? Don’t get me wrong, she’s dealing with something serious, her family is in Puerto Rico, but she can’t worry about her job because she has to worry about her family but is her worries no longer valid… problem solved.

How about those of us who are the problem, someone considered me a problem and then there was a hurricane and needless to say someone might have bigger problems which in turn solved my problem as well. If anything President Trump is a master at this, have one problem and then try to play the hero, but what happens when you cut off a hydra’s head? The only question is which head is worse, all of them are the same, all of us are equal so why can’t all our worries, concerns, and troubles, be ours without feeling bad honestly?

Then there are the problems we know we have, addictions, phobias, mental, physical, financial, anything and everything and we simply turn our backs on them, because we don’t want our problems we want someone else’s, we fail and that’s on them. If you asked me right now my three biggest problems I’d say swearing off any sexual activity, always worrying about my job, and seeing that Braxton is always looked after. Maybe that’s sort of what my novel was for, create a big problem for some future date so I don’t have to worry about the present to be sure.

Back in school, I would just write math problems, again and again, never having a solution and then I had bigger problems, my father beating my ass, failure, summer school… So what have I learned today, the more things change, the more they stay the same, a problem is a problem regardless of size, sometimes solutions fall out of the sky *shudders*, every single one of us Lady Luna, we are What Validates A Problem.

“Don’t make the mistake of calling what’s inside me worry. Good men worry. Men like me take care of the problem.” Noah Lennox, Beyond Series

I Will Have No Fear

 

Lesson 087 ~Poor Pasts Poetry Protests~

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What do I am the NFL have in common… not a thing but many have chosen silence to make the loudest statement, almost illegal to be black or even an American you, know those not backing the KKK, the Nazis, or the Confederacy. Poor Pasts Poetry Protests

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Lesson 087 ~Poor Pasts Poetry Protests~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear but as you can see plenty to say though I don’t know how much I’ll get t, one day I’ll have all the time in the world but as I told “Indiana Gone” my future simply revolves around a lot of money. Am I that poor in everything else or that rich, the more things change the more they stay the same; I still think money will fix everything, more to the point power will.

Past and present Lady Lu, I was reminded of “The Harm of a Cookie” now was that free speech or me being a pervert, personally a little bit of both but what was the harm? Yeah I know I was being pretty bad back then but who have I ever harmed, well besides myself, we’ve had these conversations about freedom, art, rage, somewhere in our eighty-seven conversations together and what does it all mean? If I say I’m trying to find myself that just makes me sound a whole lot worse truth or not and maybe today I’m trying to find something to stand for or kneel as the case maybe nowadays, remind me to tune into “The Daily Show”.

Knights kneel and then rise, swearing to protect a better world and these days the world is crap so how can anyone be asked to rise and serve it, these protests *sigh* did soldiers die so that Trump can destroy all they have sacrificed for. Nazi flags displayed prominently, the Confederacy celebrated, the rich getting richer, the poor being villainized, and it is a song that gets everyone riled up and they don’t understand. I’m not politico mastermind Luna but my poetry was/is my protest against my own silence, some of it anyway and like everything about me, it just wasn’t right, and my point?

Yeah I probably should have thought more about that but in this country, it’s damn nearly illegal to be black and I’m more concerned that it is illegal to be me, what do I always say, impossible, immoral, illegal, and insane? Men rose and fell to defend freedom and now there are those who stand to deny it for some if not all, while others kneel in defiance of this country, perhaps world gone mad.

What have I learned today, other than I finally have a reason to respect the NFL, personally I’m still letting some words get to me and not speaking, thinking, feeling my Poor Pasts Poetry Protests?

Lesson 086 ~You Have The Guts~

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In the words of Mystik Spiral “when I hate your guts, we’ll still be freakin’ friends” but how about all the times I spill my guts and the fact that my guts really hurt right now for another reason other than fear maybe… “You Have The Guts”

Monday, September 25, 2017

Lesson 086 ~You Have The Guts~

Hey Lady Lu
No fear, I mean there is no organ for it and yet it always finds a place doesn’t it, at least until we meet the end and then like any other disease we pass it on. I swear when did guts become the bravest part of our anatomy, guts are usually the worst for me, but fear does a bit of everything.

I heard someone say once, “it’s a disease this thing called love, and I know how dangerous it can be” of course that can go for all manner of things, hope, hatred, and of course fear. The guts only serve as a good excuse for not proceeding, it would be easy enough to say that if I have a stomachache then I should press on because nine times out of ten it’s only fear working its sway. Why does it choose the guts though, of all the pain I feel I wonder if it the guts that hurt the most, is there a better way to stop me, I wonder?

Allow me not to be selfish and think about the rest of the world, the fear of some, the hatred of others, talk about being weak in the knees but these men, football players kneeling to protest are not weak at all. Those people running their mouths, vomiting up their fears hidden behind such hatred, they have no guts at all, those who fear so many men on their knees. For everyone I wonder what experiences shape us, you know I like to quote After Earth plenty Luna but these fears must start somewhere right.

Is that why fear chooses our guts because there is just so much, and it is so easy to hide that even we won’t admit we’re afraid; then again how about those people who say we have guts, more guts than fear maybe. Spill your guts, hate your guts, listen to your gut, is it any wonder we’re so confused and the only relief is spilling each other’s guts all over the place.

I’m still all Co-Ed Confidential, vote with your crotch but because I’m not doing anything in that department I’m really feeling my guts at the moment but is that fear or stupidity? From what I have learned today, it’s a bit of both but in the end Luna I must accept the truth and say it with me You Have The Guts.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 085 ~Can’t We Be Heroes~

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It’s a thin line, a blurred line, is there even a line at all between heroes and villains, especially in this day and age and I could go on and on about this but I rather talk about a recent movie night, selfish maybe? “Can’t We Be Heroes”.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Lesson 085 ~Can’t We Be Heroes~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear, but that doesn’t make anyone a hero, especially someone like me though, I’ve had that one day in high school or maybe two. I’ve talked plenty about evolution, I’ve said that a man must stand for something and while this requires a solid foundation that I’m still searching for, roots are never in straight lines.

Already confusing myself, okay so last night “Indiana Gone” and I are having an “Alternative Heroes” movie night “Blankman”, “Kick-Ass”, “Kick-Ass 2” but we didn’t get to “Mystery Men” any way we noticed something. In the tradition of the normal heroes, all these heroes and villains were orphans or lost at least in part, those they cared for. Probably the greatest service I have done my parents since I couldn’t stop my birth is sworn off ever becoming a hero.

Why would anyone want to be a hero honestly at this rate; the only benefits I’ve seen are you’re guaranteed to end up lonely and even with that someone will always want you… at least you’re thought about at all really. One of my rules is ‘Satisfaction, The Death of Desire” and personally I always want to stay hungry, I always want more, and I would always feel alive because do heroes fear death, I know villains always believe that time is short. Heroes can be loved and hated, maybe even feared and the same can be said of villains but there is always more for a villain, a hero loses something and hell it can end them like that.

Speaking of love, from a dominant standpoint I have said you can have trust without love, but you can’t have love without trust and while I have not turned my back on love entirely, a dominant and a submissive can have a relationship without it. I’m also not saying dominants are bad by any means though I know how people look at the lifestyle and at least the goal is to keep a submissive from true harm in the end.

A hero though gets closer to a hero and you’re pretty much signing up for trouble, and more to the point, who and what I am accepts this because I’m no hero. Something I know and I didn’t have to learn but it never hurts to practice but just for one day, maybe, possibly, sometimes, *sigh*, Can’t We Be Heroes.

I Will Have No Fear