Tag: Man

Lesson 101 ~Sometimes I Love You~

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Sometimes it’s smart to keep my mouth shut when it comes to women, especially a woman I haven’t even found yet, maybe she would think I’m insane. “Sometimes I Love You”, and better she never knows but then again as the song goes more than words.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Lesson 101 ~Sometimes I Love You~

Dear Future Wife,
Sometimes I love you for not making me say it; it’s not that I don’t, it’s not that I don’t want to, need to, if anything I want to believe that those three words matter but they’ll be lost. How can they be lost, I love your inquisitive mind but again it might be too much, just too damn much somedays and I want to say I’m sorry right off the bat.

“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” Love Story

You leave me breathless, that much is true, but sometimes it’s going to be them and no I don’t mean other women… I mean people in general. There will be days when I love you is just me finding my way to the bed we share rather than wanting to be alone. It might be when my voice gives out from singing so loud that my voice gives out, drowning in so many cruel words.

“But everyone knows that a man ain’t suppose to cry, listen.
I gotta cry ’cause cryin’ eases the pain, oh yeah.
People this hurt I feel inside, words can never explain.”
I Wish It Would Rain, by The Temptations (1967)

If I allow you to ever see me like that then is that love or what and it’s okay you don’t have to say anything either because sometimes I don’t have faith in words, yes this coming from a writer you made your husband. You might not hear me, as much as I mutter, and with that inquisitive mind you might want to ask questions, I might even be afraid to answer; the truth will set you free… of the mortal coil. I’m not a drinker, of course, you know that but if I ever pull out a glass or decide to fire up the PS3 or PS4, god knows what number we’re on now, I will return to you a better man and you’re more than welcome to wait.

I’ve left you waiting for a while I think because I’m still looking for the words and “I Love You” let’s just say those words came to soon, too late or were simply wasted and I never would with you, with us, I think the dog will attest to that. They will even be a day I’ll love you for bringing those words out of me as only you can, for being “the air that I breathe” as the song goes from The Hollies, remember.

How I love how you sing to me and you love when I talk to you and believe me when I say, that it is never a sometimes I love you between us, it’s an always unless the following girls walk by just kidding unless… okay, for letting me be me, sometimes I love you because you make me better.

Lesson 098 ~What Would Blankman Do~

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I greet a different man in the mirror every morning, that is when I can bear to look at him at all, he could be a caveman, a villain, probably some hero without a name, and how long did my job get my name wrong? What Would Blankman Do

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Lesson 098 ~What Would Blankman Do~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear but being honest, it’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday as the song goes but you know what I think, sometimes it’s just too damn easy if you’re me.

So I’m at Walmart today… yeah, what was I thinking but anyway I hear this man, tell his kid, “is that something Jesus would do” and easily enough I kept my mouth shut. Now I could go on and on about comparing ourselves to others, Jesus, Santa to get presents, superheroes, yes I read my own lesson title and to quote another song, it’s not easy to be me. Even in my latest novella, I make myself into a monster but if I were to be any sort of man, it would surely be the human Braxton deserves and the man my future wife might be waiting on; high hopes.

With that being said, I’ve often talked about being a better man than I was yesterday but today I actually miss that guy because he actually got some work done, five thousand words and today, well there’s you and my anxiety. The constant state of things, not that you’re necessarily bad, considering how we got back together but I was so proud of myself yesterday and while I could be whoever I wanted to today again just shows who I am. I want to ask the question what would I do but I’m not ready and again the whole point of this is to stop comparing myself to others right?

Someone once said “Don’t try to be a great man. Just be a man, and let history make its own judgments.” Star Trek First Contact

It still scares me so Luna, who I might be becoming, the craziness, I mean I’m a writer, there is no doubt in my mind about that but truly, I’m going to have seven personalities, nearly all women to write now? I’ve said it so many times I wouldn’t leave you and I’ll still be writing every day just different facets and including my past, present, or future me, I’m still not certain really. Do you think one day they’ll be asking the question ‘what would Willie do’ they don’t ask that about Shakespeare these days?

We’ll talk the same time next week and I’ll probably be burdened, should I call this an experiment perhaps. So what have I learned today, I’ve never asked what would Jesus do, my story is about what she thought I would do, and you know what I’ll do tomorrow so Lady Lu, until next Saturday, goodbye, I’ll still be me but What Would Blankman Do?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 081 ~The Black Suits Comin’~

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I wear my heart on my sleeve they say but nobody saw a thing, here I am supposedly trying to speak up and at the same time be invisible but which do you think I chose today? “The Black Suits Comin’” the government, the mourners, the gravediggers heh?

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Lesson 081 ~The Black Suits Comin’~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear, no tears, some dirt but at least I’ve stopped burying myself, I sort of had to or else I would be getting no sleep tonight, I had things to deal with. I always feel like I’m repeating myself but “Every Day Is Exactly The Same” and on that note have I ever told you I’m not a prophet and then there are nights like last.

“I am not a prophet, but sometimes I have prophetic dreams, like the one where I was at a garden party.” Huey Freeman, The Boondocks

Didn’t I say something about paranoia or maybe I have something like a “God Complex” and I’m not even sure what that is in the traditional sense but all writers think themselves God at one moment or another. It’s more a “Messiah Complex” with Braxton around, haven’t I talked about being the villain, more often than not but when it comes to a couple of pounds of fluff, I’m a hero every day. Now, what was the point I was trying to make… okay, I believe that someone always has their eyes on me even when this morning I was more so trying to embrace the idea of being invisible.

I mean you can’t fire an invisible man can you but on the same token I could have had the week off from work but the squeaky wheel gets the grease as they say, so much for being invisible. So what led to this, the lesson, before I woke up this morning, I think I was dreaming or I was half awake, I’m not sure, it’s five minutes before the alarms start buzzing and my body is on edge. Anyway, the only part I remember is one of the managers told me I had to talk to “Big Brother” because I was under investigation about something, have you been blabbing?

“You know when you have a dream and you’re half-awake, but still in the fringe of your brain, and when you open your eyes you’re so damn glad it was a dream?

This was nothing like that.” Wesley, Wanted (2008)

Isn’t that the whole point, to be seen, and why do I find black so ominous and so comforting at the same time Lady Lu, it explains why I like my women wearing bright colors though I like a woman that would match me too. How does the story end; I go and talk to “Big Brother” about being on the schedule and chances are I will end up working next week but at least I still have my job.

So what have I learned today, keep my mouth shut, I’m so busy trying to avoid being seen that I put myself out there and now The Black Suits Comin’?

Lesson 079 ~Be The Tenth Man~

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What kind of man would I be, if I had a choice, would I be the man that gets girls, would I be a gentleman, I’ve never wanted to be Superman and I want Batman’s cash and you’ve heard, don’t try to be a great man, just be a man? Be The Tenth Man.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Lesson 079 ~Be The Tenth Man~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, well not until the first man and I wonder what was he afraid of… God, if the Bible was a fact though I believe there was something else, how could he even define it as fear? When I would attend church there was a song that says something about God not giving us the spirit of fear, so if not it, wherever did it come from, the Devil and who created Lucifer, that too much?

I think I’m getting off topic as I tend to do but I was thinking about my rule “You Are Not a Caveman” Lesson 51 ~Not Easy to Be~ although I don’t know how I’m ever going to remember that, sad I have to look up my own rules. I still plan on making 365 of them and then condensing them down but here’s something else since I didn’t write any poetry yesterday *sigh*. I’m sure I’ve asked this before but what was the first rule, while we’re on the subject of the first fear.

Take for example “World War Z” 2013, I have yet to read the book and on that note, I hate being one of those people admitting I’ve seen the movie but never read the book. My point is in the movie, the man who became the tenth man had to accept fear and prepare to combat it, ignoring it would gain nothing but the end. Fear my dear Lady Lu is all about the wait, it’s sort of the difference between the more traditional slow zombies and the speedy zombies.

“Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst” proverb

While I will keep my rule of “I Will Have No Fear” can I not also embrace the wait, am I afraid if I’m prepared, of course not, because when was is afraid, one cannot think and if anything I think a lot, don’t worry but instead think. The Tenth Man was not told to fear the impossible but instead to prepare for it and that my friend is power.

“Even without the events of 40 years ago, I think man would still be a creature that fears the dark. He doesn’t face that fear, he averts his eyes from it and acts as if he doesn’t have any memories of his past. But, 40 years is both a short time and yet, a long time. Man’s fear has withered. And even time itself tries to wither the desire to know the truth. Is it a crime to try and learn the truth? Is it a sin to search for those things which you fear. My purpose in this world is knowledge and the dissemination of it. And it is I who is to restore the fruits of my labor to the entire world. Fear… It is something vital to us puny creatures. The instant man stops fearing is the instant the species reaches a dead end, only to sink to pitiable lows, only to sit and wait apathetically for extinction. Humans who lose the ability to think become creatures whose existence has no value. Wake up! Don’t be afraid of knowledge! Think, you humans who are split into two worlds, unless you want the gulf between humans to expand into oblivion, you must think! Signed, Schwarzwald.” The Big O

I cannot be the Tin Man, I’m far too late to be the first man, and I suppose it’s not easy to be Superman, if anything I just want to be a man and is that the lesson, if I may surpass the caveman but I not yet ready, so can I will I choose to Be The Tenth Man.

I Will Have No Fear

At The Age of Occasional Wellness

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What’s my age again, what’s my age again, the dog and I are old men without a doubt and I wonder what his life goals were, better his than mine, because he at least has a chance I suppose? “At The Age of Occasional Wellness”

What big I’s you got?
The better to see no one’s coming
but if you expected nothing…
At any time, you can stop
looking and maybe jot
this down to one more day of succumbing
to your greatest sin, becoming
more “hopeful” in your old age and that’s a lot

Because what big zeros you see
There aren’t a lot, quality over quantity
Honestly
know your place, keep your place and be
a shoe, and that’s not a big number, but geez
it beats your age and keeps out the laughter of this comedy
Walking away from your curiosity
Zero to hero, there’s the possibility

These words, these words, these words, big and small
might as well be on other planets
or thrown away by the force of habit
Maybe not even written at all
That is why there are so many places to fall
Oops, oh my, ow, tragic
There is no need to can it
I’d say if there were anyone to call

then what’s with all the holes
cause I got enemies, got a lot of enemies
my wishes, dreams, and quite a few deities
better known as girls, when I would rather sell my soul
for any margin of control
of my mental facilities
At the age of thirty-three
It was never a life goal

Only obeying, obtaining, obsessing over, obvious occasions occasionally okay

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 068 ~See Who, The Oracle~

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Hopefully, I’ll have something else to tell you, a good past for once and an uncertain future which is why this is nothing new, I’ll be indisposed hopefully living a dream. “See Who, The Oracle” if only someone actually saw the future

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Lesson 068 ~See Who, The Oracle~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear that I am back again so soon my dear, I don’t know if I can set this for tomorrow or today but it has to be done given certain events that I’m not even sure of yet. Things I do know are that I’ll probably have no time to fill you in but my sister’s birthday might work but until that day we can only speculate and I don’t want to, beats the past right?

Yes, I’m going to talk about the past, so where was I on this day, a year ago… I remember watching “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse” with “Okay”, just when I think I’m becoming a better man. Speaking of being a better man, that was also the day I took “Indiana Gone” to the movies, the first time it an amazingly long time I actually was out with anyone. We came back to my place, ate pizza watched “Secret Girlfriend”, “Repo Men” and “Extreme Movie” and I tell you this Luna because I don’t want to forget that day ever. Also, we weren’t even speaking you and me, an oversight on my part to be sure.

“You make me want to be a better man.” As Good as It Gets (1997)

I don’t see it happening Lady Lu, I keep saying I’m going out there, I’m fighting the fight and yet the world continues as so. If my mother could have predicted the man I would be today… maybe she would have tried harder, talk about where I get my fighting spirit from. If I was blessed with a gift of prophecy, well chances are I would have finished what I started so many years ago I think. Of course, we have last year which for the most part put every other day like this to shame, even if I were a lecher to a degree.

“High school is a lot like prison: Bad food, high fences; the sex you want, you ain’t gettin’, the sex you gettin’, you don’t want. I’ve seen terrible things.” – Luther, The New Guy (2002)

So what am I hoping for this year, what will we not be talking about today because I’m going to be busy, getting busy, highly doubtful but have I not already done what I think is impossible which is pretty much all the hopefulness you will be getting out of me? Would you like to be my oracle rather than my therapist, one of these days I need a real wish list or rather a bucket list right, an inkling?

What will I learn tomorrow, what dreams may come, that I can become a better man, a man that I can stand to look at maybe, See Who, The Oracle.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 051 ~Not Easy to Be~

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Being me, of all the horrors seen and imagined I would not wish to be me on anybody, and every day I remain myself and not the monster some would have me to be, trust me some thoughts make me appear to have the face of an angel. Not Easy to Be at all

Monday, August 21, 2017

Lesson 051 ~Not Easy to Be~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, and no it’s not easy to be me, not easy to exist right, not easy to continue when honestly all I want to do is cry, beg, scream, yeah I need to refer to my rules. Yes, I’ve been coming up with rules left and right today and also I have been thinking so much that I don’t know who I am, and people telling me what I am, I have completely neglected to say what I know I’m not.

1. I Will Have No Fear
2. You Are Not a Caveman
3. Now The Work Can Begin
4. Hate Will Keep You Alive
5. Love Is Worth Dying For
6. It’s Worthy of Your Soul
7. Stop Crying Your Heart Out
8. Anger Is Better That Despair
9. Satisfaction, the Death of Desire
10. Make Words Bleed, Not You
11. Live Life According to You
12. Medicate for Your Protection, Yours
13. Power Is All That Matters
14. I Will Go the Distance
15. I Take My Own Lumps
16. I Am a Man Remember

These are in no particular order just how I came up with them and I’ll be adding plenty more, I still don’t what’s going to happen to our conversations in the next month. Luna this is a time of great fear, of shame, of humiliation and I have always found a way to survive but that doesn’t make them any easier to endure. Remind me to write that down someday, how I survived that bad November, or YouTube, college, I swear the list just gets longer and longer sadly.

“Villain am I none. Therefore farewell. I see thou knowest me not.” Romeo + Juliet

Lady Lu I have done some things I’m not too proud of, things that I regret, things that I may not have understood at the time and I have apologized. I have also admitted that my rage along with some lust has a tendency to get out of hand, to vilify me and somehow to terrify others, I try Lu, you know I try and then, I don’t know. What I cannot fathom is how people build this version of me inside of their minds, seriously in high school three boys made up a story, the principal took one look at me and let me go or how about when I was arrested and a judge looked at me… is it just a woman thing?

See it’s that right there, that’s what makes me look like some typical asshole, and the thing is being a typical asshole with this face does not fly with my current problem. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve said before “Indiana Gone” along with the other ladies in my orbit will call me on my BS, without question but this problem ain’t new and that’s sad.

Will I lose my dignity, as the song goes, I think I already have and I’m hoping that’s the end of it but then tell that to my writing. Will someone care, other than Indiana Gone, nope at least not on my side of the divide and see that’s fair.

Will I lose my dignity
will someone care
will I wake tomorrow
from this nightmare – “Will I”, cast of Rent

Tomorrow scares me as I’m sure it does many others if I am truly this evil creature everyone seems to think I am, it should be a club somewhere maybe. All I ever think about is everything I have to lose while everybody else cries foul and continues with their lives and again this is fair of them. I was watching this movie “Me Before You” this morning and to see a man lose his ability to be the man he was *sigh*, how dare I because he was good.

Luna will I lose myself to what they will make me out to be… no, let me make this point for you, I refuse to be the obsessed lunatic they would make me out to be. I refuse to be considered some sort of stalker, perv, predator or whatever else just so they can cry victim I’m not those things at all and I never will be. I hit my sister once and you know what that makes me, a child and my “father” whipped my ass and I’ve never so much as touched a woman without consent since then.

I spanked a girl when I was a kid too, and while plenty of people congratulated me, my father again sat me down and told me women were to be respected. Now that being said my “father” and my mother; anyway, let’s focus on the good because there isn’t much of that when it comes to him and me surely.

It’s my turn to be scared, it’s my turn to be humiliated, the good news is my family wrote me off a long time ago and Braxton can’t read. I take my own lumps if that means putting my fist in a locker if that means stomping my food as if I can crush the bad memories, or continuing to look like a damn fool I can live with that.

“”That’s the bad guy.” So… what that make you? Good? You’re not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don’t have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth. Even when I lie. So say good night to the bad guy!” Tony Montana, Scarface (1983)

It’s my turn to be the loser, as if I will ever stop being the loser, what’s my age again, don’t remind of what’s coming up Luna, but yeah meltdown right on schedule. It’s my turn to make a choice, with the Harmonic War I was defending my work and I burned it all to the ground, but with this, I have come to the simple conclusion as with most people, this ain’t worth it. Hell, I remember she got all upset and I couldn’t even bring myself to look at her words, I simply turned away that was Cowardice or my part but this is Providence I feel because the anxiety is killing me.

It’s one thing to make someone want to run, it’s another to make them stay down but I’m still standing and just saying whatever, no defense, again my work was attacked and it was my worst but having the fire to write again, thank you. I need to thank you too, Luna, for being there in my time of great need, the power of words always prevails doesn’t it, or maybe a need of vanity. It’s my turn Luna, or as the Saints would say… this is our time now, let’s get this shit started, two blogging books down, plans in the works, getting ready.

So what have I learned today, more rules of course and that I know with all my crimes the only person that’s ever been hurt is myself, if that’s not being selfless then I don’t have a prayer. Speaking of prayer Luna, neither of us are the praying kind but I pray to whatever power is out there to protect my Braxton every day, so I ask you, Luna, to pray for us, these days it’s Not Easy to Be.

I Will Have No Fear

Little Green Man

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Evolution of man, or just a change in the weather, it’s still hot these days and so am I, but I wish I didn’t feel like such an alien in my own world. Little Green Man, well more a simple black man but why do I dare to dream?

What of those leafy greens?
Popeye and his can of spinach,
and if I could be like him
for being a man means

I will not fall, I will stand tall
but what kind of man would I be
if I could not be me?
Break the wall

like Samson, the Hulk, or Hercules
a child of God
or to Apollo, I’d nod
asking please, please, please

race across the sky
because how many wishes will I need
How many stars are there indeed
superman may try

to count, if I could believe
that I wouldn’t miss a single one
I’d be done
as autumn leaves

getting in my way
like the best thief
of my sanity, asking how might I keep
The man I am today

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

How God Shall I Evolve

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Talking to myself, somebody I can’t stand, other people, my anxiety, I think that all of us needed to hear this, to be honest, but can I actually say it though? “How God Shall I Evolve”, no wonder he never speaks to us.

EXPLAIN while the earth revolves
like an engine on its last miles
or a man treating his car like a child
with his words in a pinch
But mine will no longer be
as they flow like the sea
So I will stand tall

LEARNING so that I may one day solve
of you and I while
the question remains what makes you smile
if only it is me after all
Perhaps the words are cheese
yet this mouse shall remain free
I shall not flinch

VACANT in my fear, no I will not be absolved
listen to not a beg or plea
I’m fresh out of apologies
Conclusion, done, the end, lynched
from my vocabulary file
maybe only to be exiled
leaving me to maul

LOST words that shall now be involved
without a fear of trial
be they vulgar or vile
Let me run, walk, or crawl
and not take a knee
Your words will no longer be me
Shall I no longer be a grinch?

VALUE my existence I have hereby resolved
My head no longer buried in the tile,
the sand, the muck, my own bile
Boyz II Men, “I Will Get There” I’ll get through this
Such words will be free
Hello, Goodbye, Thank You, Yes, No, not maybe
No longer a caveman, I see the writing on the wall

ENUNCIATE damn you, with anxiety and gall
Make them earn your smile and do not while
Your own life they speak, they laugh, they sneer and revile
To be given one inch
Defend it, with all you are and hope to be, after BC
For I am a man, not a boy, nor a monster, a pest or a flea
Do you hear me Ms. Seasons” all of you, I can, I Will, Evolve

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Too Far To Cave

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Now, why is it I live in the past because cavemen med never had to worry about speaking and once that began, well sticks and stones may break my bones but words, the things words will do. “Too Far to Cave”, yeah I don’t think we can ever return.

And have I left the cave
not with this echo
a friend would say hello
but for me to say “hey”
Too Far

Like what Desdemona didn’t say to Othello
so no one was saved
Only here I remain a slave
because what I would say would go
Too Far

heard but not forgave
Perhaps I will never know
Tell me, say what I need to say
As you tell me to shut up and so
I will return to that cave which is now too far

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.