Tag: Marquis de Joker

Gospel 245 ~Dollar Every Time Braxton~

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I’d be broke is the answer, but what is the question? If I had a dollar every time, I thought of myself rather than him. One dollar for when Braxton showed me loved me, well then I wouldn’t just be rich, I would be wealthy, Dollar Every Time Braxton.

Wednesday, March 3, 2021

Gospel 245 ~Dollar Every Time Braxton~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I still shop at Walmart. When’s the last time I went to Macdonald’s? Missing PetSmart…

Every day I’m missing Braxton. Hell, I miss being “broke.” I am growing into the brokenness of my heart and mind. Well, I still don’t have any money, but I’m wasting what I do have on books that make me feel worse. For real, I’m saving money which is horrible to admit. I know why. I could have bought Braxton stairs for my bed. Now I’m looking for a headstone. Didn’t I say before, I’ve finally started going back into Walmart but only for chicken and Subway. Inspector, I’m spending money like there’s no tomorrow. Oh, I wish there wasn’t. I get sick often enough because I’m always eating and still hungry. Maybe I could spend money on a new bed to be exhausted in. My “father” would appreciate furniture.

One of these days, I will finally frame these vet bills. It was $100 to tell me he’s still alive. $500 to tell me he won’t be. $300 and “I See Fire.” I’ve been second-guessing everything, like his food and water. I bought cheese and hotdogs for “medicine time.” To this day, I continue to live the life of a selfish man. How dare I.

On the one hand, Inspector Echo, I’m pulling an “Eastman” from The Walking Dead. I’ve believed I’m going to Hell. I know this is Hell. Now I’m trying every day to avoid it because I want to see Braxton. I hope someday. Once again, I spend every dollar to punish myself because nothing I have now is making things better. When you kill, right, Inspector?

The price is too damn high. I swore I would pay anything to make Braxton okay, and didn’t I? Only all the dollars in the world aren’t going to bring him back. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought about it… Another furry kid, but I’d only want a Deer-Head Chihuahua. Inspector Echo, I don’t know how much my “father” paid for Braxton, but to me, he was priceless. All dogs deserve homes, but I’m of the hoity-totiy sort “Pureblood.” What the Hell am I going to do? All my distractions catch up at the end of the month, no doubt? Most of all, I can ill afford this black mark on my soul. Betrayal, Treachery… Ninth-Circle offenses, now if only I had a Dollar Every Time Braxton…

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 242 ~Rats, No Just Braxton~

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It’s been one month since Braxton left. I haven’t changed his bathroom pad; his water bowl is still changed twice a day. Twenty-eight treats sit on the table. I haven’t changed the bed, his food is in the fridge. “Rats, No Just Braxton,” or so I deny

Sunday, February 28, 2021

Gospel 242 ~Rats, No Just Braxton~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, and here you are worried about rats, creepy crawlers, and why are you itchy. Is it Fatal?

Not like Braxton, as you can see, twenty-eight treats. The days, the month being without him. Another Sunday you’re not looking forward to, and should you? Last night I dreamt about rats of all sizes “crumbling and crawling all around my feet,” the song plays. Nothing is stopping them now, no matter the universe. You hear sounds now and what could once be B III, well who knows now. Again you have B’s food sitting out. Do you think you should look in the fridge at his “Last Meal?” No wonder your eyes are tired. Crying again in dirty sheets, wearing your favorite hoody, still looking for him. Is it any surprise something might have bit you? Braxton should. You’re not doing Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 058 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 065) No Fap
  2. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Writing “Look A Thing Like Santa”
    Failed
  5. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
    Partial Completion
  6. I AM Finishing Reading, The Last Teacher by Chris Dietzel
    Completed

He has not been an excuse for a month, and how about all last year? Can you consider this “Bargaining” what you’re doing now? Oh, if I were a better man; if I had worked harder back then. Besides Sunday, you’re going to hate yourself, um, Wednesday. You know that. January 27, to be precise. There was a problem, Braxton cried, but all you could say was RATS. Stupid people, you know, and then Braxton’s situation, but no, you’ll let hate eat you alive. I would say I’m sorry for ruining your week already but wasn’t it? Yeah, it is. Talk to Ethan Montgomery, Dr. Robert Neville, Philip J. Fry. The list goes on. After you lose your best friend, what’s next? Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 065 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Writing “Look A Thing Like Santa”
  5. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
  6. I AM Finishing Reading, Succubus Lord 9 by Eric Vall

What’s impossible is for the world to stop. I don’t want to laugh. I don’t want to like, most days, I know you won’t want to live. The distractions keep coming, though, like those rats. Only Braxton isn’t here to cover you anymore, to wake you up. Braxton, Come Home. He has, he won’t, Braxton’s gone, he’s everywhere and nowhere. All I know is he wasn’t in my dream, and I was surrounded. Not being bitten only covered in the rats, and what does that mean? Like I’ve said before, I only say Braxton’s name, and I don’t worry anymore. Demons, Desires, Distractions, how you wish you were covered in dirt; well, aren’t you? The Walking Dead starts tonight. Day Job? Rats, No Just Braxton.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 240 ~Braxton FOUR One Hundred~

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“I love you,” “Can we go home,” “Everything will be alright, Braxton,” and still there weren’t enough words. No amount of money could save him. And if my father mentions getting a new dog one more time… Braxton FOUR One Hundred, Five, Nine.

Friday, February 25, 2021

Gospel 240 ~Braxton FOUR One Hundred~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so $100.00 shouldn’t really bother me. It was Braxton walking on three legs that certainly did.

Now that’s not where he got the “B III” from. That’s his name, Braxton Barks Bradford. I’ve said before that it was my mom who named him Braxton. It still hurts to talk about him like this. My Dæmon, my son, Little B. And again my sadness and rage. What about purpose? I keep breathing, Lady Sophia. Braxton’s purpose was to BARK. Of all the things I absorb, it was his barking that was my joy as much as I took it for granted. Sometimes grated on my nerves or would go overboard. It showed he cared, loved, protected, “Dad.” Braxton had his own way of saying it. He was another Mr. Bradford. But most days, it was B or B III, Triple B too.

Such time is priceless but to check out a bum leg is about $100.00. I came back one day, big score with a TV, a box of shrimp and fries, and I had Braxton. Dare I say life was sweet? So I let him go outside as I get situated only to see him come limping in on three legs. Braxton is so brave and pretends that he’s always walked with three legs. He never wanted me to worry, but I quickly freaked-out and carried him out, driving all crazy. Swear I was so scared, and we went to three different pet hospitals, panicking father. Finally, we made it back to Banfield, and $100.00 later, he had stepped on a pinecone or something, nothing more.

Beefy, he wishes, Be Free, well isn’t he now, but always my B III. I wouldn’t say I like math, and I’m not one for numbers in general. Being counted on… I once wrote that four was a lucky number, but how wrong I was. This I do know; 15 years wasn’t enough time. $323.60 is horrible. I had one son. Excuse me for being all out of sorts, it’s still Wednesday now, and I had to deal with “people.” My family, shouldn’t I say? As in my father and nephews. Should I count to three like a southern mother? I no longer say, “In five minutes, the world will end.” Dammit, my world ended, January 31, Braxton Barks Bradford.

Nothing can bring him back but Braxton FOUR One Hundred.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 239 ~Braxton, Walkers, Biters, Empties~

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“You wanna go outside,” I’d ask him, and he’d go running and hopping down to our gate or the front door, and the two of us would “walk” these streets, um suburbs. Our last walk, his, he didn’t have to make but hope… Braxton, Walkers, Biters, Empties.

Thursday, February 25, 2021

Gospel 239 ~Braxton, Walkers, Biters, Empties~

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? As for mine, I walked, I worked, I wigged-out. Only us walking, one more walk…

I’ve told the story of our first walk and the aftermath so many times. I remember even earlier than that. There was a time when you couldn’t decide whether you wanted to go two steps forward or two steps back. One of the many reasons you didn’t believe your furry behind should ever meet tile, hardwood, the deck, whatever. I still feel you sitting on my feet. Oh, I know the law well, my friend. When I was chosen, I wouldn’t move for forever and a day. Now isn’t that everyone that has ever had a furry kid they loved? I’ll need to find a thesaurus for more words for crying. This Sunday, I’ll face another first without… Braxton, when will I believe you aren’t somewhere waiting in the house? Every Sunday night, you knew where I was and staying.

You would run around the house like a mad man when you were young, but on Sunday nights? People usually love the weekends, but I don’t know what your favorite day is? Anytime we were together. Daddy was always there, but The Walking Dead? “B TV.” We watched movies all the time, you know, with Indiana Gone too, a lot.

When we were young, B III. The doctor told me my eyes weren’t getting better, but they weren’t getting worse. Then the Vet told me not to move stuff around for you. We started walking less. But we would always snuggle up together to this screen or that; books, TV, me, and my writing. I’ve seen the end of the world coming, but not like this. We’re apocalypse buddies, Braxton.

The Long Walk, The Green Mile, The Running Man, leave it to Stephen King. Do you understand anything I am talking about, Little B? You don’t have to because we lived it every day. On your Vet visits, I would ask, “are you going to walk in like a man?” When we were outside, the people to me were zombies, and you’d bark. The dogs to you were much the same, and I would carry you. I should have carried you around our route one last time, but I was bawling as I prayed for a miracle. You couldn’t even walk in this time, but those trips to your water bowl. I was proud of you. I walk alone now, and Only God Knows Why.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 238 ~The Meanie Of Braxton~

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Open the door, close it. That’s what I want to tell my father. Braxton still loved him despite everything. But Braxton wouldn’t move when he was around, scared, as was I. Damn termite guy. If my father dares moves anything… The Meanie Of Braxton

Wednesday, February 24, 2021

Gospel 238 ~The Meanie Of Braxton~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but there is only so much hair, so many treats left, and what about training pads?

Inspector Echo, this is my Braxton’s home. I can look at where he lies in that box all day long, but this place, all of it is ours. I said it the day I came back after… Nothing is going to change. Well, other than the nightstand that no longer carries my savings and knives. Money, blades, my 9mm. I haven’t really touched them since February 10. I’m a father without a son anymore, but I’m still Daddy, and as I protected him, he would defend me. What are we so afraid of? He would shake and jump; I’d load up and grab a knife too. Like father like son, we became mean because of one person. Braxton’s grandfather, or to be clear, my “father.”

B and I are dead to the world, or at least I try to be. I feel nothing, or I can’t stop crying. The closest I get past the 5 Stages Of Grief is ANGER. I hate myself for what I’ve done. But I’ve said it before, I was in the FUCKING PARKING LOT, “get a new dog,” my dad said. He’s had two dogs himself at different times, Rottweilers. My father called them family dogs, security. My sister and I never played with them, well, pass the puppy stage. They lived outside in their own cage. When each one died, the family, well, nothing. Inspector Echo, I’ve had a few dogs in my life. I will never say I’m the best man but Braxton…

Fifteen years, he is my son. I would die for him then, and I will die for him now. To protect everything, he was to me. I haven’t found much to be afraid of, though I am or much to be ashamed of. Yet again, I’m guilty. I’m living a lie that he is with me, but he’s not Echo. Now I get a call from my father about the damn termite guy, and I won’t be here, but my father will be. My first fear has been telling him I don’t want to talk about another dog and walking in, and he’s brought one. I begged for a dog. My sister got Braxton… figures.
There’s not much chance of him bringing another dog here.

Second, he’ll try to wipe away Braxton’s memory. EVERYTHING FUCKING STAYS. If he were to pull something as such? My father and I have fought once, and Braxton tried to protect me. Same blood, same mud; Braxton and I only had each other against him. The last fear is that if my father did such a thing? If I could follow Braxton wherever? Before that, though… no harm would come to Braxton, I swore it in this house. My anger, my rage against my father. Better he opens the door and closes it, otherwise. Fighting For The Meanie Of Braxton.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 235 ~Doublethink Of B III~

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He’s gone. He’s on my nightstand, his collar in his bed, his toy on his pillow. His leash sits, treats uneaten, water bowl full. I say “good morning,” set the treats, fill the bowls, and open the gates. I know, and then I don’t “Doublethink Of B III”

Sunday, February 21, 2021

Gospel 235 ~Doublethink Of B III~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now. But you’re broke. I hate you, but you desperately want to love. I’m dead, but you’re breathing.

As it was three weeks ago. Twenty-one days, today is the twenty-first day, and I still know what I did and you. You killed Braxton; you did. No denying that.

The paperwork is still on the coffee table; twenty-one treats are lying in his room, uneaten. An empty collar rest in his bed. His oldest one is on the nightstand. Now at the same time, you ended his suffering. He was starving himself because of kidney failure. He could barely move and yet somehow wouldn’t take his water beside him. Not Braxton because Daddy worries, so he had to pretend to be ok. B III had to be brave, ok? I know you’re tired of having to be. It’s why you fall asleep after trying to live. What, your truth? Early to bed, to rise…

Are you richer or wise? Well, you got your tax refund back. You can believe that your son is out there somewhere, The Rainbow Bridge, Heaven, in your heart. At the same time, what’s that around your neck? I spent hours working on his pictures. B is in a box. Only like me, you’ll continue to say he’s right outside, under the bed, in his house. You still want a memorial stone, more picture frames, candles. What about one of those dog blankets or some artwork? You owe his grandma $150.00 for helping with “arrangements.” You’ll finally have to start paying attention to your finances. What about walking into Walmart again? I did yesterday for Subway and some buffalo wings. Living again, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 051 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 058) No Fap
  2. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Writing “Look A Thing Like Santa”
    Failed
  5. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
    Partial Completion, Looking For Picture Dates
  6. I AM Finishing Reading “A Dog’s Purpose” W. Bruce Cameron
    Completed

Should I expect you’ll do better? You were up at 4:00 AM, but we didn’t start chatting until 9:00 AM. Braxton was good for focus, not that I will ever know. No more calls to the vet to pick up medication or trips to PetSmart. How long has B had the same bathroom pad or dry food? Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 058 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Writing “Look A Thing Like Santa”
  5. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
  6. I AM Finishing Reading, The Last Teacher by Chris Dietzel

With you still reading and all, if there’s one thing you took from A Dog’s Purpose… Could Braxton be reborn? At the same time, you can’t think of another fur baby. You’ll never be the father you were, dammit, the man. You’ll still talk to Dear Future Wife but never Dirty Diana, despite paying $60.00.

Routinely living for B who’s gone; Doublethink Of B III

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 233 ~99 Problems But Braxton…~

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Some ladies have cried about him. Yep, my second BFF and my mom (his grandma). It must not be an easy thing for a vet, either. At the rate I’m going, the Mississippi and the Nile don’t stand a chance. I’m still in “Denial.” “99 Problems But Braxton…”

Friday, February 19, 2021

Gospel 233 ~99 Problems But Braxton…~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I’m still crying. Braxton isn’t a problem; he is a miracle. Like women he loves.

I’ve said before; my “father” was the first member of the family he met. Next was my little sister. His mother/crazy aunt (this is the south, just saying). Braxton was a gift to her, and she loved him. The only time I believe my “father” ever got upset with her was because of Braxton. She would do the, let’s say, ceremonial stuff, think Hallmark Channel. She didn’t like that I would sit in her room babysitting him. My mom even said Braxton and I were brothers. When did I get demoted? Anyway, he never became my sister’s purse dog. She decided to have “real babies,” my two nephews. Braxton, though, was all about his mom. Same with my Mom. Until “Braxton get in the car.”

Several years later, we met my second best friend “Indiana Gone.” Now she accomplished something no one else ever had done. She made Braxton fall in love with her. The first person that wasn’t family. If Braxton had it his way, he would have preferred I followed suit. I would always joke with him that the first girl he approved of I’d have to marry. It took Indiana four months to win B III over. Talk about the “Casting Couch.” She laid down and let Braxton crawl all over her. After a few minutes, he was in love and never had a problem with her again. The first time I had to give “the talk” to him. I figured he’d meet Dear Future Wife someday.

Instead, Braxton caught up with a pretty vet. That’s something you don’t do. You know, call asking for the name of the doctor that… Again, Lady Sophia, I’m not angry. Nineteen days and if I am mad, it’s at myself for killing my son. Or at my “father” for thinking Braxton can be replaced. As mean as Triple B is, all the ladies loved him. There was one guy vet we both hated. Braxton is my only guy friend, honest. I always wanted to do better with my son but not giving him the family I took? “Get in the car,” and he followed me. I think he knew; why he liked Indiana so much and his favorite toy too.

Daddy’s 99 Problems But Braxton…

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 232 ~Braxton My MAID Man~

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Braxton hated the maid. When I started cleaning, he’d hide as if he did something wrong. Braxton had a habit of hiding under the bed when sick. Should have tipped me off when he didn’t. Thought we had it made, my main man. “Braxton My MAID Man.”

Thursday, February 18, 2021

Gospel 232 ~Braxton My MAID Man~

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I keep hoping you are, wherever you are. Everywhere I say and then again B…

It’s been about three weeks, and it’s like every sense is affected by you being gone. The first is sound. I stay in bed longer, knowing I won’t see you. Food, hell, I live because of your schedule. It’s been snowing here, but it wasn’t the outside that was bothering me. I feel colder, which brings me to my point. Touch and smell; I have a bit of your hair wrapped up. I want to pet it, but I can’t afford to lose a single one. I’m trying desperately to keep up our routines but without having to clean up… I can’t smell you in the sheets anymore. I’m still wearing the hoodie. Your bed B, I had to kneel down to be reminded today.

Or when I spill something… I still call you first, and then I remember. Every now and again, there’s a crumb of something or other. On the table, there are eighteen treats, not that you would count them. Water sloshes around when I refill your bowl. At the same time, the carpet is dry, but I’ll get to that. It’s like I’m trying to leave a trail for you to find your way home. I won’t lie that a part of me wants to be wherever you are. You wouldn’t allow that, though. We are a family, you and I, and nothing ever came between that. Besides the mess in the house, there is the mess of me. The dirt I can’t do; won’t allow.

As I said, I have a dry carpet because I’ve started taking evening showers. You hated that and would start crying to get me out. I’ve been having cravings for onion rings because, one, they’re not fries; that’s our thing. Two, you couldn’t have onion rings anyway. The same goes for chocolate. The most we ever had was when Indiana Gone warned me about… never mind. But I bought her plenty and a blanket and ice cream so we could hang out. I was so frightened you’d find some crumb, but that’s when I had it MADE. I cleaned up for her. You cleaned up for us; Life wasn’t messy.

My heart, my mind, and my soul, you got it all B III. You’re Made, Main, Braxton My Maid Man.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 231 ~Braxton And P Breaks~

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Braxton needs what, and I’m paying who again… Patreon or somebody else? Most of the time, I don’t bother to check my accounts. It might help, though, an exercise that everything is normal but without Braxton. Braxton And P Breaks.

Wednesday, February 17, 2021

Gospel 231 ~Braxton And P Breaks~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now… putting that out there as I would, Braxton. Pretending with those aspects of my life now.

Probably should get some air, but I’ve only opened the backdoor once since January 31. Braxton is like me, we both hate the cold, but we would look at the snow. I shouldn’t have said that. Every time I remember Braxton’s eyes, his final look, I break down crying. Prayers aren’t for God, though. I haven’t spoken to God since last month again. It’s one part of my routine that’s broken. There are more tears when I forget, or there’s just no need. This will be the third week, and as I shook his medicine bottles calling “Braxton.” People will be upset or not. It could be both. It’s not like I can call the vet and order more meds. The water company should be thrilled, but not whoever the people are that make bathroom pads. Some are sick of me talking about him. My friends have their own stuff.

Piping up now only to speak to B III. I’m not sure how to stop it; I don’t want to. I’ve said it often enough, every day. “Medicine time,” Night, Night Braxton,” “Just Me Baby B,” I won’t stop myself.

My Olds would laugh at me for talking to myself but with Braxton’s deafening silence…

Postulating any idea of sanity seems out of the question. Will Smith said something to the tune of, does thinking you’re the last sane man make you crazy? Susanna Kaysen wrote, Crazy is you or me amplified. To me, everything about life feels plain wrong. Painful, a crime. It’s why I haven’t done anything, as someone would say, STUPID. My biggest fear was I wouldn’t be here for him. Now 8:00 AM, his meds and water, so I get a bite. 11:00 AM, outside and breakfast. 5:00 PM more water, 8:00 PM meds, and dinner.

Prolonging the pain as long as possible for myself. How long did Braxton suffer? Five days… he was crying Wednesday, stopped eating Thursday, and it goes on. He needed a break. A break from his pops, his father, his daddy. Now that he wouldn’t pretend. Pretending, though, that’s me since the day Braxton Slipped Away. And people talk about puppies. Progressing through grief and other problems. When I want is to believe Braxton is right outside. Braxton And P Breaks.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 228 ~Okay To Love B~

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Not even thinking about Valentine’s Day, my heart is already broken. Dogs are so much better than us when it comes to most things. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay again. But to not my little boy, it’s Okay To Love B

Sunday, February 14, 2021

Gospel 228 ~Okay To Love B~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, but it still doesn’t mean a damn thing, even in the past two weeks. Worst on record

Okay, to love because it’s Valentine’s Day. To be honest, the only holiday I’ve been thinking about is Braxton’s birthday, and how did that go? It’s still Saturday right now, and I got nothing. You can relate. I know and can’t think about loving a damn thing. I don’t blame you. It’s like you’re starting at square one all over again. You can believe it’s okay to love, but who or what? Your mother always, and you’re awfully close to Indiana Gone but Braxton… The loss of a child, what can you do with that? Love might as well be some kind of farce. Yet I pretend, and you continue, don’t you? Such is Denial, but you can’t forget love or these Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 044 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Completed (Day 051) No Fap
  2. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Writing “Look A Thing Like Santa”
    Failed
  5. I AM Finishing Gathering For Braxton’s Albums
    Partial Completion, Found Photos On FB Going By Month And Titles
  6. I AM Finishing Reading The Enchanter by Vladimir Nabokov
    Completed

“Okay, to leave,” but that has taken on such dark implications. The last time those words were spoken was on January 31. A lie… no, because that would mean love itself is a lie. Braxton loved me, he loves you, even now or so, you gain strength by keeping him close. To let his life go was one thing, but to let it all go? No, because where would you be? Just like me, you’ve already decided that it merely doesn’t matter anymore. You leave another treat on the table, another full bowl of water. You still think about what it would be like to leave him three weeks ago, but he left you two weeks ago. There’s nowhere, yet these remain Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 051 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Writing “Look A Thing Like Santa”
  5. I AM Finishing Gathering, Braxton’s Albums
  6. I AM Finishing Reading “A Dog’s Purpose” W. Bruce Cameron

Okay, to lose brain cells. Whether it’s by repeated insanity. You keep saying it, Braxton’s name, your usual phrases. It’s not like you’re going to hear him come bounding downstairs. You know where he lies, you know where You want him to be, and still. It’s like I can’t walk. Forgetting that he’s gone. I’ve been oblivious to plenty, yep. When any of it even comes to Braxton. It’s been two weeks today, and I’ve found tears every single one. You will as well, so let it all be pushed to the side. If it had only been Braxton before… Could he still be alive? Because it is never okay to forget how much you love him. And you, he decided Okay To Love B.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton