Author: Will

Execute Son

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TMNT… I heard Splinter say once that all fathers love their sons, but I’m twenty-seven and I still live in constant fear of mine. Execute… Son; I look at my childhood compared to my sister’s and realize I was the prototype to her great future, hmm…

An experiment
A figment
Of someone’s imagination
This demonstration
Something called life
Might just not be right
So goodnight

As we go on
Someone should warn
All of us
That we come from the dust
We play God
But we are not
Cover pulled up top

Do we not seek the answer?
The cure for Cancer
Immortality
Life is a disease
Killing us all
For we must fall
Will I ever be that tall?

Planet full of apes
And I wait
Child and parent
To see what is gravely apparent
I’m the prototype
Wasted megabytes
Should I sleep or die

I’ve got a theory
He didn’t want me
Is that the conclusion?
What is the solution?
Before the sun
Program run
Execute… Son

Copyright © 2012, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 028 ~A Dog Day Afternoon~

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Don’t be a hero, why, because heroes die but if you’re not the hero, people don’t get rescued, I can live with that, you’re a villain, I’ve been worse, a dog dies, okay now I have to get up. A Dog Day Afternoon

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Lesson 028 ~A Dog Day Afternoon~

Hey Lady Lu,
I love Braxton, a statement of fact, I love that little dog, as far as I’m concerned he’s my son and I would do anything for him, does that make me a decent human being, a hero, anything at all, I don’t know and I don’t care, he’s mine and I love him. Now I could go all in about love but this is going to be a long day and an even longer night and how long does that dog have?

No, I’m not talking about Braxton, not talking to Braxton at the moment though what concerns me the most at this particular moment is the neighbor’s dog. I wonder when does the moment come when you have to take the law into your own hands, when do people come to the moment of busting the window out of a car to save a dog’s life? Am I there yet my lady, I mean the things that I have done on Braxton’s behalf honestly but what of this dog’s dire straits?

You know I don’t understand people at all but if people are truly made in God’s image and “God is Cruel” as Stephen King put it, what does that say about people? Aren’t I the one to blame as well, if I were any sort of man, I’d go over there now and rescue that poor dog, I would talk to the neighbor, I would be doing something anything other than talking to you. I like talking to you Luna I apologize but as I said this is going to be one long day and one boring night, but this shouldn’t be about me really.

I got one dog that again is making me feel like a failure as a parent, maybe now I’m starting to understand why my “father” is the way he is, yeah I can be all sorts of dangerous and I hate his guts. On the other hand, I wonder if Superman ever had kids (I’m not a comic guy or most heroes) which do you think is easier Lady Lu, to be a father or to be the hero hmm?

How many times have I said I’m looking for a new role model but what would Jesus do is not the one, what would a father do and what would a hero do, I pretend to be one and courage stops me from being the other. Does it not take courage to be a father, a pet parent, always concerned what other people will think of me, while a hero would simply do what is necessary regardless of anything else.

“Because he’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we’ll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he’s not our hero. He’s a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A Dark Knight.” Lt. James Gordon, The Dark Knight (2008)

I was always more of a Batman over a Superman and why, because Bruce Wayne was only a man, albeit a wealthy one but a man nonetheless, I wouldn’t dare say I could be Batman though. No, I can’t kick the neighbor’s ass, can’t swoop in and save the poor doggie but what’s stopping me from offering money for his life and in the end whatever would I do with that life? Most people don’t see the dog at all and if they did what would they do, no I don’t want to be them I want to do a good thing, the right thing.

“Fear is the enemy of will. Will is what makes you take action; fear is what stops you, and makes you weak…” Green Lantern (2011)

Truer words huh Lady Lu, Batman had a choice but being a father to Braxton, the moment those four little legs hit the floor my course was set and I swore to look after him, even when he belonged to my sister when he wasn’t mine. To a father it doesn’t matter, a father does what has to be done as it has always been with me and Braxton, anxiety is damned, people be damned, there is no fear because he’s mine, I’m daddy and he needs me and that’s that. If I did it before can’t I do it again, hell when I wanted a dog so many years ago my father wouldn’t dream of it but my sister got an accessory for her purse, and then she had a real baby and Braxton came along with me, simple.

If anything I can’t sit back and do nothing, but as I say that here we are and he’s out there possibly suffering because I fail to act. Everyone I have told “Indiana” and “Gospel Girl” both say I should do something and I have always believed a man must see about his family but what about this poor dog.

A few months ago he was only the dog next door, Braxton’s nemesis and I was wondering what would happen if they actually did meet and now he’s a dog I just can’t watch suffer. I’m better than that, I want to scream at “Ms. Seasons” yeah I’m skeevy and inappropriate but I am a decent human being, I am.

“I feel like all I’ve done my whole life is be pretty. I mean, all I’ve done is be born! I’m a failed actress, a failed artist… I’m not much good as a mother. Come to think of it, I’m not even that pretty anymore. I have failed at everything, Yuri… but I won’t fail as a human being.” Ava Fontaine, Lord of War (2005)

I’ll ask you Luna and I suppose you’ll agree with everyone else, you see a dog, no collar and no tag, his back is dirty, he sleeps on a pile of rocks and hides from the rain and the heat of the sun. Your neighbors report that he’s been seen walking along, nearly hit by cars, the neighbors report him missing while his owner never does, you don’t see him eat or drink, you call out to him to make sure he’s alive. You return him twice, you block his gate so he won’t be in danger but you might have locked him into a prison, whatever are you supposed to do, what comes next?

They say, “Evil prevails when good men fail to act.” What they ought to say is, “Evil prevails.” Yuri Orlov

Because it does Luna, it absolutely positively does and if you don’t believe me ask the last couple of girls I made a pass at, then again while being evil or skeevy I did fail which in retrospect is a good thing. Only I can’t fail with this, would what I do be considered evil, “rescuing” the dog, I’m sure the neighbor and Braxton would probably. I don’t know what I’m going to do but the other neighbors are reaching out and they say this is wrong too, the way this dog is living and here I am, no hero, father, biology dictates a bit of man hood, just a bit if not longer, inappropriate?

“You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” The Dark Knight (2008)

Today I don’t want to be, today I don’t want to be or do a lot of things but I will and for a thousand different reasons. Why not today I do something that truly matters, something that will make me more of a hero, more of a father, more of a man my friend on A Dog Day Afternoon.

Topless

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This started out as sort of a physical idea and turned into a bit of rage and a somewhat apology towards someone I sort of wronged but can I help it that I feel wronged too? “Topless”, no I’m not being pervy or skeevy, that’s what she said… that joke

From crown to toe top full, brain
language, why Shakespeare sees dead
people and I would make a list
Only where is my mind, some missed
season, winter, spring, summer and
I see none of her why

Why these old eyes are led
to whatever drives a man mad and insane
and still, I will wish
Well I should hear, listen, learn, that a kiss
would be better than any lie
that I would try to understand

I’m only human, I am a man
which comes, pretty damn close I surmise
to being a god, but my heart pre-exists
A condition that cannot be dismissed
so I gain
nothing at least that’s what I read

To have those guts whilst
my disgust, my rage, made into a fist
to withstand, maybe, possibly, the pain
Then came wrath after such dread
of all the things I said, promises and demands
for my suicide and who am I

Better I ask who are you Ms.
wanna be goddess
keeping those legs spread
One more broad, a dame
who made my monster say hi
only it wasn’t your plan

Let me apologize if only for this
you see I exist
yes I fall and now I stand
Indeed a man must try
even if I must profane
God forgive us both for what was said

While we all lie topless

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 027 ~Topless~

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The world is not crumbling around you, no you are crumbling within the world, from crown to toe, and so what remains of whoever you were or still are. Topless, yeah probably not what you’re thinking unless you’re “skeevy” like me.

Friday, July 28, 2017

Lesson 027 ~Topless~

Hey Lady Lu,
Don’t believe what you read and only half of what you hear… I heard that in a movie once but let’s start a bit higher. I know you were thinking this was going to be something “adult” and honestly a part of me wish it was but higher Lady Lu.

Have you ever heard the expressions, having a price on your head, don’t lose your head, hard head, mind playing tricks on me, I could continue, yeah Luna I have a good memory don’t I? Today as the raindrops were falling on my head I just wondered what the price of mine is, the things I know, believe, every solitary thought. Of course, there is the standard, does anyone care enough to want to hate me to that degree; a price on someone’s head when we never use our brains.

“A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Waste” – Shrink, Get Out (2017) and the UNCF

Now, what our eyes and ears, most days we bury our heads in the sand and here’s another saying for you, “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil” though I’ve never had much of a challenge with the speaking portion. Now seeing, I have a friend who actually prefers the burka look but it wouldn’t exactly help a guy like me. The hearing evil only applies to what I hear about myself (skeevy, the incident, never forget) … okay and the things that I want to tell you but we have barely been speaking a month since we started back to these somewhat lessons.

Speaking of which what is today’s lesson other than the fact I was listening to a Nas’s song and “Indiana” talking about ape nipples? I suppose I’m thinking about what actually makes us a human, or how about this, why I can’t seem to understand, what makes me, me maybe.

“So what is the “me”?

My brain, I suppose.

Your brain? Your brain is a body part. Like your fingernail or your heart. Why is that the part that’s you?

Because I have sort of a voice in my head, the part of me that thinks, that feels, that is aware that I exist at all.

So if you’re aware you exist, then you do. That’s why you’re still here.” – What Dreams May Come
So I lose my head and the whole world isn’t on my shoulders though it feels that way a lot, don’t I still have plenty of heart? What about guts, do we really need to have another conversation about courage or my lack thereof and yet I still live.

“Hearts are wild creatures, that’s why our ribs are cages”

Probably one of the most beautiful sentiments I’ve ever heard is “don’t hate your broken heart lovely” makes you wonder why we’re so anxious to give it to someone right? How about the people who are looking to steal hearts away, I don’t think I have ever done such a thing, not for lack of trying, does that make it a crime? Not one heart could be kept in pristine condition, soft-hearted, cold-hearted, what about wearing your heart on your sleeve, makes me think of hiding a dagger to strike.

“Ohh. How embarrassing. There they are. They were inside you the whole time. You did have guts. I’ve never been so wrong in my whole life!” – Negan, The Walking Dead

Now Negan is a teacher if anything he taught me that everyone has guts and anxiety just makes me want to puke mine out all the time. I’ve been trying to keep them in over the past few days, thinking about having any heart changes by the second but as long as I have the guts I keep Braxton and me alive no matter what. How about the fact that I need them to find a woman and I can worry about a heart later?

Of course, this brings another question as we travel lower and lower because heart and guts don’t make you a man or even a decent human being. If I were to lose all of that what would I be then Luna, would I be someone like you, or something else.

Promise we’re not going to talk about whatever madness Trump is starting, but I know my biology and “equipment” quite well. What is it I told “Okay” the other day, I don’t want a woman that keeps me on my toes but knocks me off my feet, whatever that means.

Someone once said, vote with your crotch because, your mind can be fooled, your heart can be broken, and your guts are sort of twisted but your naughty bits always know what they want and I happen to agree. On the other hand, men thinking with the little head and not the big head leads to plenty of trouble and don’t even dare to dream that you can use both. Needless to say, a nice “release” can make everything appear so much clearer but with my writing who truly knows.

Last but not least, getting weak in the knees, “knocky” in the knees, knocking boots, now that is one I haven’t heard in a long time. Falling in love… I think if anything and you know me well enough to figure, we have to fall might far before we can even hope to be made whole. Walk a mile in my shoes perhaps, it all begins with that single step, and so on and so forth but in the movie “Just Looking” I liked that expression of, I don’t sell shoes Lenny, I sell journeys.

What the hell have I learned today, from crown to toe, what makes us, might have nothing to do with the physical, take it all away and what are we left with? I don’t know but naked and afraid, topless, even nonexistent, there is something, no man can see and that perhaps is what makes the man, woman, human, and it’s more than God, Topless.

Fresh Fear

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They don’t know they’re gone die… cows I mean, indeed all animals, hell neither do I and yet I know the fear of death. Fresh Fear; it seems like every day I find something new to be afraid of and one day I will be devoured, and when the time comes I’ll be…

Fresh, alive, me
After last night’s dream
More like a nightmare, you see

Born of my indiscretion
Reflected
Detected

On my way to the slaughterhouse
To be a mouse
How I denounce

This heart’s beating
There is no entreating
The end I’m meeting

I’m already burning
With the blades turning
Already hurting

Misery and strife
I’ll fry
But first the knife

Better to rot
At least it would stop
Wouldn’t be on top

Those carrion crows
Who would know?
Where could I go?

Nowhere
It’s not fair
Being so scared

Chosen
Frozen
Is there atonement?

Never
Should I treasure?
Forever

I don’t want to die
Or hide
Not even survive

Another breath to give
To live
Don’t think I ever did

Fear is all
As my flesh crawls
Raw

Copyright © 2012, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 026 ~You Remind Me Of~

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You remind me of my jeep, well not really, and I’m not really comparing anyone to a summer’s day, though that’s something I can’t forget these days. You Remind Me Of… I’m not sure yet considering this is mostly jibber-jabber.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Lesson 026 ~You Remind Me Of~

Hey Lady Lu,
No R. Kelly is not a good role model either, though I am reminded of the Harmonic War of yesteryear, a bad time, only today’s lesson is being reminded. So many things in the world today are reminding us of what we need to be, should be, what we should aspire to be but I’m looking behind.

“I am wandering inside, wandering through my past, trying to see if there is a place there strong enough to hold me. — After The War

I told you before I’m looking for some male role model and yeah shouldn’t I try being myself… whenever you meet that man be sure to let me know Lu. Ned Flanders is one side of the spectrum and maybe Le Marquis de Sade is the other side, and I’m still keeping the moniker “Marquis de Joker” though I’m sure that’s been ruined. If you asked who I wanted to be today, Donovan ‘Van’ Ray a.k.a. Van Strummer, from Fastlane.

Even in today’s world that would be wrong, I was talking to “Okay” and sort of reminiscing on how the world used to be, the things expected of us. Isn’t that part of the problem right there, the world has so many ideas that here I am looking for myself and if I listened to everyone else I would be torn apart. The rack my lady, we are supposed to stretch to encompass every idea and at the same time, we have to keep those ideas to ourselves other than risk tearing everybody else apart.

Talking to you Luna reminds me when the world was once simpler… okay so it never was but we both can agree that it’s only grown more complicated right? All the world wants me to know now is I’m not good enough to live in it… suicidal, probably but not like I’m anxious to do anything about it for now.

“The Multiverse, every universe in it, is irrational, sloppy. I try to make it rational. I try to make it neat. You call it murder. How can I murder myself 123 times? I just took those wasted energies and transferred them to one container: me. What if that is our fate? To unite with ourselves, to be unified forever. To be one. I will be The One.” The One (2001)

Luna why can’t you remind me of a time I was once at peace with myself, whole and one, yeah I keep finding the pieces of me, trying to kill off the others but such a period never existed. I’m constantly reminded of my failures, selective memory again maybe because when’s the last time I was reminded of something good?

He reminds me of how helpless I am, you know who I’m talking about, “The Abomination” it’s been a long time since I’ve called him that, my father of course. Another reminds me of the monster I still have inside of me, the monster I could become, my poor Braxton still sitting in his room because I’m so upset. Still, so many others remind me of the man… well, I don’t know, personally, I don’t want to be any sort of man like them but they are better aren’t they?

She reminds me of a girl I once knew, of a girl I wanted to know, probably of a girl that never existed except in my mind and as the song goes, where is my mind? What about my mom, haven’t talked to her since… I can’t pick out a good feeling, going for food makes me feel pathetic, showing off the car was more fear of my father. What about Ms. Seasons that reminded me I’m all sorts of skeevy, did I even mention the incident yesterday, the things I can’t forget, the things I actually want to be reminded of, scary isn’t it.

Only that’s just biology, not a doubt in my mind what I want, how easily I’m reminded of a beautiful woman and the things I would do, “Shusaku”, “Isaku”, Kojin Taxi, I swear I’m looking for something appropriate. Something to remind me not of let’s say better, but that I’m not as bad as I sometimes want to believe Luna.

It sucks when you don’t want to be reminded of the things that make you feel the most like you but again who am I? I see gray hairs, I hear the cracking of my bones and I’m reminded that I’m not so young anymore, and what about the things I want to be reminded of, just to keep existing.

They remind me that I’m not wanted there, family and coworkers, there is no place for me amongst them anymore or even before. I’m reminded that I can be scary and that I can be full of fear myself, trying to save the neighbor’s dog again, the dog was scared and so was I. The stares, the body language of everyone when I arrive somewhere that I’m just not like them and that I will never be, no matter what.

Just yesterday I was reminded of my old car, listening to “Indiana” complain about hers, is it bad to be reminded that other people have problems and you can just go along. I know I can still play the hero as I said, the neighbor’s dog, I did the right thing regardless of my plans and I even showed innovation. How about that the idea that I can surprise myself cooking for a woman, it was only rice but yes I’m reminded while things get worse, there are things to look forward to if they are enough.

Lady Luna remind me next time to be more cheerful or make more sense because I know these last chats of ours have been nothing more than jibber-jabber. What have I learned today other than the fact life itself reminds me of nothing at all, maybe because there is nothing like it but Luna You Remind Me Of…

My Enemy Within

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Biology… the mere thought makes me want to vomit blood, and the sight but more importantly the knowledge of such blood makes me wish I was never born. My Enemy Within… and I know now that it’s not me and not even within anymore but without anyone.

My enemy within
If only I could see
Begin again

How my eyes do descend
Who’s scorn would it be
My enemy within

Who, what, where, and when
Stop, I plead
Begin again

Defend
Not a possibility
My enemy within

Because of him
Who’s your daddy?
Begin again

It never ends
Him, you, and me
My enemy within
Begin again

Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 025 ~So Time Me Up~

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How much time do you have, you don’t see it, you see the watch face, you hear it in another person’s voice, you feel it dripping from your brow and you know that it’s always running out. “So Time Me Up”, no wonder we can never let go.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Lesson 025 ~So Time Me Up~

Hey Lady Lu,
I so wanted to name this something different but it’s these times we live in, or how about the fact that no one has any time for the likes of us? However, and I know I often repeat myself, that’s what lessons are for right, anyway I hate being late and today I am running behind schedule.

Now aren’t I always running behind, that’s why I try to be early for everything or is that just my anxiety talking? In most horror movies isn’t the best place to be, somewhere in the middle but speaking of other racially insensitive things we’re not allowed to say anymore… I guess in some messed up thought I am thinking about the future past those traditional five minutes dreaming that the world is going to end and that I feel fine.

I feel fine, isn’t that another coping mechanism, remember the good times because you know the bad times are coming, and even worse times. I’d said something about selective memory but nowadays I just go ahead and imagine the worst case scenario and regardless of the truth I’ll probably see it that way a thousand times even after the fact. Waiting is always the hardest part, isn’t that what they say, except when you’re procrastinating and that’s what today has been all about, being honest.

In this world where so much doesn’t truly exist, the value of money, those in power, “gluten” why do we choose to be slaves to the concept of time. As a black man living in America, I can’t say I have much to waste, not trying to get all political or again being somewhat insensitive.

You can thank “Saints Row 4” but out of any super power we could hope to possess, time travel is not one meant for us, it just never turns out well. Then again if we knew of beasts such as “The Langoliers” it would be a reminder to always look ahead and time travel itself would be a thing of the past, to be sure.

I think of all the things I would like to make right or do differently so of course, the first thing would be where would I stop my corrections? Give America a time machine and you would stop the building of the nation if you truly were on the side of right or at least that’s what I think. Maybe I’m just in a movie mindset because what about “The Butterfly Effect” think how much damage you could do to others and think about what you stand to lose completely.

There’s not such a thing yet but imagine if we found there was nothing to go back to, we’re in a constant race to outrun them, langoliers, that would explain why we’re always told to never look back, why in this life we are constantly on the move. Scary to think I might be as bad as “Craig Toomy” running from his past and knowing what the future held, maybe I should call my anxiety a langolier. Talk about the ultimate restart when the survivors were the first people in a world that were yet to be born, maybe then I wouldn’t feel like I am always so behind everyone.

To be first in some things, the middle in others, and most days I hope the future will be that apocalyptic dystopia I’m always dreaming about as if I were a prophet. No Luna, if I were a prophet then what happened today, wouldn’t have happened, did I mention how late it was getting today?

Aren’t we constantly trying to better ourselves or at least I want to be but what was I today, a monster I thought I was trying to lose? To others, I’m tied to the role that either I portray or that they believe me to be and I don’t see how I will change it.

You know I’ve been dealing with Braxton and the tick and today, he and I both lost our minds, please don’t let me become my father and he was just that scared puppy I use to know. Now he’s locked in his room after I literally tore the bed down getting to him because I was just so angry at him and everything else. Isn’t that one more thing about waiting especially with anger, yet another reason I just keep moving or I try to sleep all the time, not that any of that helped.

It scares me to think of how he looks at me now, will I be stuck in that moment, him barking up a storm in the bath with me yelling no, what about when he saw his safe haven falling apart, under the bed. What about the way the people at work see me, I will always be stuck in such a version of reality no matter what I do, time stands still? How about how “Indiana” sees me, I’ll tell you this, that woman has a strange opinion about me indeed, not that I’m interested in changing it though.

Anyway, Indiana probably is expecting me to take her to the movies tonight and you know how I am with the movies so I better hurry up. I’ll do better next time, a next time, yeah this conversation isn’t over but for now, I’m gone Luna, So Time Me Up.

DO NOT CROSS

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Like a door marked do not enter or maybe do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars, I have always been kept out or maybe I just didn’t want to go in. DO NOT CROSS… that red ribbon or maybe yellow police tape; what will we find behind it.

Do not enter
Such colorful tape
To state
On such treasures
An entrance to forever
Someday
Or much too late
Whatever

Red ribbon
Happy faces cut
Yet I love
Yellow hintin’
At who still lies?
Inside

Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 024 ~Gotta Fight’em, Gotta Fight’em~

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Am I bugging you yet… looks like I’m king of the ant hill for now and if it was only that, I’d still be freaking out or more like bugging out but it isn’t the end of the world. “Gotta Fight’em, Gotta Fight’em”, true enough though

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Lesson 024 ~Gotta Fight’em, Gotta Fight’em~

Hey Lu,
Get ready for some mundane chatter until more gainful opportunities arise… I suppose today beat sitting on my ass all day am I right? Amongst those, watching paint dry, training at work, and killing bugs or trying to at least, not getting easier.

I’m starting to feel like Hank Hill in “King of the Ant Hill”, can I mention again that I don’t hate these things… necessarily but give it time, there’s no statute of limitations on my anger as you well know. When I came back to the house I swear I had my Dorian Newberry moment, I know I’m still looking for a male role model, considering the man I am. Anyway here I am having made up wars with real enemies but I can’t hold my own territory, sad really.

“I tell you, Worf, war is much more fun when you’re winning!” Sons and Daughters

Speaking of the valiant bug war, Braxton is still on the losing side, yeah I should just go ahead and either take the hit or the shame, nice that I used a Klingon quote because somebody always ends up bleeding, why I detest ants, I hate ticks and fleas, spawn of Hell no doubt. Sort of explains me too though I have been called a lot worse, that’s if I’m even called at all, and I do have something to say about that. Braxton and I have been at odds for a few days now and I have to deal with it sooner or later but a twist of anxiety.

It doesn’t matter though right, he’s my responsibility, hell he’s my son and he needs me but he’s as stubborn as his old man, please don’t ever let me become my father. Don’t ever let me become the person that “they” want me to be and besides these pests both bug and human, I’m fighting.

“I have only one rule. Everybody fights, no one quits. If you don’t do your job, I’ll kill you myself!” Jean Rasczak, Starship Troopers (1997)

It bugs me when people try to be inspirational Lady Lu, the store manager tried that today… it was more to the point of walking out with a smile on your face and implementing his strategies so I don’t get fired. When I write I can’t say inspiration has ever been in the cards… okay, truth be told I do want certain actions but I won’t get anyone to follow me which doesn’t look well on a dominant. I’ve already said I see people as pests, most people, bringing chaos to my ordered universe but I bet pests of all species see me the same.

Is that the reason I’m always on the run, sadly I noticed this when I was only a child, being a spider only looks good if you’re Spiderman or more to the point the girl on his arm. I’m not scared of bugs for the most part, now women… seriously I think I have enough to say I’m not but those were luck, from a spider to a mosquito, I don’t think I can call that an upgrade at all.

Am I starting to sound like one of those buggy kids because here’s another bug relation, gnats, that’s how it feels in my head sometimes, I can’t see, I can’t hear, I can only run and keep running and they just keep coming so what do I resort to my friend, what poisons do I have on me? What chance does a “man” have in this world, maybe you can see why I rather stay indoors, people walking around like they’re lions, tigers, and bears but their bugs, in truth what do I have to fear, being an open wound?

Isn’t that another reason I have you, Luna, I bleed it all out here and then I can close myself off, I can protect myself but that’s just it, I’m still not doing that fully.

Why not just let my dog bite my hand so I can stop the tick that’s biting him, there seems to be no respite in this mad season; did it again didn’t I, always remembering the incident. Yesterday it looks like somebody didn’t forget about me, I heard from “okay”, I’m being invaded on all fronts Luna, without and within.

Still fighting the war outside and losing but do I miss those days when there nowhere else to go, one day I might just take off. Easier said than done, I haven’t been reading much or sleeping much, and before I can take “Indiana” (yeah I’m going Zombieland with her name) to the movies I have to deal with Braxton. Hiding in fantasy isn’t what I need right now is it but I’ve been lost in my new obsession “Saints Row” for days on end.

Some of my viewing habits are like going to the zoo while others are becoming annoying and yet I let them bite me over and over, nobody goes to Hooters for wings, no one goes to a strip club for the DJ, and who goes to the zoo to watch the flies? At the end of the day, we need the bees don’t we, and I’m sure other bugs have their purpose, other pests have their purpose but not Ticks, you know how I feel there. The good news is I’m only bugging you with my problems as of late, though I let things slip to Indiana and Okay from time to time I guess.

So what have we learned today other than I got the bug, call it whatever you like, anxiety, writer’s block, fever? If only a doctor could cure what ails me as easily as the vet could fix Braxton if it comes to that and soon.