Lesson 035 ~To The Caveman’s Diploma~

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Did cavemen even have names, I might as well not have one, how many coworkers get mine wrong and I just say nothing because… yeah, I’m a fool and a grunt isn’t really an answer now is it? To The Caveman’s Diploma, it’s time to graduate

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Lesson 035 ~To The Caveman’s Diploma~

Hey Lady Lu,
NO FEAR, I suppose we’re both going to have to get used to that aren’t we but at least I bother to say hey to you at all right. Yeah, this isn’t just a phase but a new way of life though that’s easy to say from the comfort of their bed.

Maybe I can understand why people say their prayers from their bedrooms, other than being prudent, the place that you feel comfortable enough to lay your head is the place it is easiest to be yourself, your cave as it was. That’s the thing though isn’t it, I’m trying to be a better version of myself and I’m not going to find him here. It must be the same thing when people go off to college to find themselves, hell me fate was fixed, I was in so many pieces honestly I was just trying to find enough to hold whatever I could find together.

So today’s lesson I present to you, a question, how do you think the first caveman took it when somebody told him to shut up, that nothing he said mattered, that maybe he was stupid. I’m sure those caves ran out of room on those walls at some point and then that man took a deep breath and it wasn’t a grunt it wasn’t a show of force it was simply a word. What do you think the first word was, I understand the ‘no’ in the planet of the apes but would it be the same for a man?

Maybe that’s my first fear, that I’ll sound like an idiot, as far as I know, I already do, I have nothing in common with people at work, maybe a movie here or there and how much conversation is that. “Indiana Gone” would say it’s quite a lot since we watch a lot of movies only we’ve never had a serious face to face conversations but that’s not my anxiety.

Another fear is what I’m going to say, “the incident” I haven’t gone back to talk to “Ms. Seasons” though I know she has big things happening; mostly out of anger and I actually feel bad but then again that isn’t really talking. If a woman about to travel the world gets me so mad, imagine a woman right in front of me, no worries, I’m not my father still you know my bad temper.

If it isn’t my bad temper then I’m certified NSFW, if anything I’m still avoiding my real work on the SCC, though I think my poetry is becoming somewhat more “revealing”. I swear people have to give me something, I can’t talk about this that or the other and then people wonder why I don’t talk at all. How to begin again like Sarina from “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine” or Shenice/Shebang from “Static Shock” … I wonder how many people actually know these two characters.

There I go from feeling stupid around people to the idea that no one will have any idea what I’m talking about but at least this wasn’t “skeevy and inappropriate” was it. How about if no one cares, I mean those who were supposed to care the most were the first to shut me down and then I just stopped trying and I don’t want to be one of those using words to breathe if anything I breathe for the words if that makes any sense. Then again I find myself here, hoping any word at all will make any sort of difference, first, it’s prayers, then drinks, how about delusions of grandeur too.

When Caesar spoke for the first time to the apes he became a leader he became a king, but the people that talk nowadays really shouldn’t talk at all. The Tower of Babel, wasn’t that God’s way of telling people to shut up, and what were the people shouting back to him, so many questions?

“You can draw sounds?

Draw sounds? Yes, I can draw sounds… and I can speak them back.” The 13th Warrior

Sometimes I forget the power of words, and while I doubt mine will be anything new, I know first-hand what one little voice can do, especially when no one is expecting it. Once I get going down this path I’m going to simply refuse to stop, yet another concern who the hell will I be?

This is just the start of my evolution as I’m thinking of it, little caveman doing the writing on the wall and soon enough I’m going to have to start reading it. I’m going to have to leave the cave and look out onto the world and decide what I want to make and I can’t let anyone stop me. It sounds crazy doesn’t it, sounds like stuff I read and instead of taking it truly to heart I just went back into my cave.

“The whole system makes me feel so… insignificant.

Excellent. You’ve made a real breakthrough.

I have?

Yes, Z. You ARE insignificant.” the movie Antz (1998)

So what if I make people mad, I’ve made plenty of people mad in the past and now I need to look towards the future and tomorrow will be a major test of my new resolve. Two things, keep my head up no matter what and for the love of anything speak, doesn’t even matter anymore, even if I am a fool I know this world. I may not know who I will be but I am done letting other people decide for me without a doubt, better to be my own fool than being theirs… that may not change.

While I’m getting rid of those grunts of mine, if it makes me feel better, then how about getting rid of “maybe”, what about “sorry”, might as well get rid of this stupid smile that’s been plastered on my face. When the first caveman graduated, evolved, you know what he probably said, like when I wrote my first word my own name, he probably said man, me, or I, and here’s To The Caveman’s Diploma.

I Will Have No Fear

Too Far To Cave

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Now, why is it I live in the past because cavemen med never had to worry about speaking and once that began, well sticks and stones may break my bones but words, the things words will do. “Too Far to Cave”, yeah I don’t think we can ever return.

And have I left the cave
not with this echo
a friend would say hello
but for me to say “hey”
Too Far

Like what Desdemona didn’t say to Othello
so no one was saved
Only here I remain a slave
because what I would say would go
Too Far

heard but not forgave
Perhaps I will never know
Tell me, say what I need to say
As you tell me to shut up and so
I will return to that cave which is now too far

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

 

Lesson 034 ~Noncommittal Grunts & Other Noises~

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“Sup” is that even a word, now I’m not a believer in Newspeak but even that would be better than the noises I just happen to make on any given day. Noncommittal Grunts & Other Noises aren’t enough for me, not in this world anymore

Friday, August 4, 2017

Lesson 034 ~Noncommittal Grunts & Other Noises~

To My Lady Luna,
Seems like a polite way to start a letter though we’re just talking, I haven’t forgotten NO FEAR, you know “Indiana Gone” said the same thing about speaking to her once, however, I usually say whatever I want to her. Now there are times I’m just being lazy, maybe I’m pissed, for the past few days it’s been wondering why even waste the air on some but today the lesson is, this grunting I do.

You know, usually when I’m about to snap at people at work one of my main arguments is, when my dog barks he’s usually trying to accomplish something, most people are just adding to the depleting ozone layer. Maybe in a way, I’m just trying to do my part for the environment, surely just by practicing my native tongue as it were… silence. Don’t get me wrong, as I have said, everything has its place, and Luna I know I want to bring the ruckus but I just can’t.

“From now on you’ll have no identifying marks of any kind. You’ll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You’re a rumor, recognizable only as deja vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don’t exist; you were never even born. Anonymity is your name. Silence your native tongue.” Zed, Men in Black (1997)

I think I would fit in quite nicely don’t you think; maybe I’m hoping everyone will forget, I’m always trying and then on the other side of the coin, I remind “Okay” that “The Day” is coming soon, now what did I say once about having ulterior motives? Stop wasting your breath as “The Guilty Remnant” writes because talk is cheap and this is a time of action but wouldn’t me talking be a form of action in a way?

Which brings me back to today, and tomorrow, and the day after because the world is still not ending and as much as I hate to admit it I have to live in this one my lady. Now if I can find the strength to move my legs, to do what must be done at work, hell to even speak to Braxton, why can’t I trigger those same muscles to talk to an actual person.

You know they say it takes more muscles to frown than to smile… no wonder Caesar and the apes, kick our asses but we all can’t go on a rampage whenever we feel the need… I thought this was America? Maybe if I had parents that told me to kick ass or use my words but my parents told me everything I said was stupid and that I was nothing and so here we are.

It’s as if I devolved and please don’t bring up that stupid gun from the “Super Mario Bros.”, now we’re all devolving, I know a writer who wrote a great series about it but at the end of the day, the everyday person with their phone can still speak. When it comes to me though, I’m better off learning sign language, at least it would require me to put my phone down and possibly lift my head up. Maybe I started off too quickly, trying to move into the talking phase and I just need to focus on keeping my head up and looking people in the eye, for starters.

“I’m so sick and tired of my chin being up.” – Winifred “Fred” Burkle, Angel

Am I in pain all the time, life hurts like a bitch and speaking of “Ms. Seasons” anyway I can barely shuffle my feet and it’s like the slightest sound I make could just end everyone else’s universe instead of my own. I laugh, I snicker, and hmm, I want to go ahead and add ‘sup’ to the menu, which has become my normal greeting for everyone, I make sounds not words my dear Luna. Maybe when I went all homicidal on my imaginary friends there was no one left to really speak to… but what are you my dear Luna, writing is less crazy.

“I thought what I’d do was, I’d pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes. That way I wouldn’t have to have any goddam stupid useless conversations with anybody. If anybody wanted to tell me something, they’d have to write it on a piece of paper and shove it over to me. They’d get bored as hell doing that after a while, and then I’d be through with having conversations for the rest of my life. Everybody’d think I was just a poor deaf-mute bastard and they’d leave me alone . . . I’d cook all my own food, and later on, if I wanted to get married or something, I’d meet this beautiful girl that was also a deaf-mute and we’d get married. She’d come and live in my cabin with me, and if she wanted to say anything to me, she’d have to write it on a piece of paper, like everybody else” – The Catcher in the Rye

That’s not going to happen is it, Luna, it’s not the world I live in I’m afraid to say and what do we say now, no fear, I have to live in this world and this world requires speech. It must be easier for singers and spoken word artists and I haven’t given up on the notion that one day I might join their ranks.

“Haven’t you learned anything, not even with the approach of death? Stop thinking all the time that you’re in the way, that you’re bothering the person next to you. If people don’t like it, they can complain. And if they don’t have the courage to complain, that’s their problem” Paulo Coelho, Veronika Decides to Die

This is part of what today was about Luna, a test if you will, how would people respond, they would talk and I suppose I committed myself to speak, if not beginning the conversation then I could at least end them. More reasons I’m quiet, I can’t do the every day with fear, but then sex and violence to boot.

I told you I think about how my grand mommy made me watch an Oprah special about children being kidnapped which terrified me to the point of wearing a whistle around my neck or on my wrist for weeks because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to scream. A reason why horror doesn’t bother me and as far as sex goes, hell I can be a dirty talker but as long as the girl is moaning and screaming, I’ll consider it a job well done. Violence is a bit of the same, between bullets, bombs, and babes screaming, noise doesn’t bother me at all.

So at work today I was listening to my hardcore gangsta playlist, been getting into as of late thanks to “Saints Row” again, anyone I wanted to see if anyone would comment and if they did, I would have to respond. How about the woman at Walmart who tried to short me four bucks and anxiety be damned I made sure to get my money, I’ll consider that a win I think. Other than that it was a typical day, can’t say I’m super proud of myself but it was a step in the right direction and led me to my first real goal honestly.

No more grunting Lady Lu, no more silence, if somebody talks to me I will respond, I mean am I really afraid of what I will say when I get started if I could be as open as iPhone music. So that’s what I learned today, that’s what I know honestly has to change, to use my words, no fear, Noncommittal Grunts & Other Noises.

Tell me, Mr. Anderson… what good is a phone call… if you’re unable to speak? Agent Smith, The Matrix (1999)

I Will Have No Fear

A Word On the Monster

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Are you scared, words fall so much easier, and all monsters have their weapons, so why did I choose a pen, okay a keyboard but people have fallen because of words. “A Word On the Monster”, I’m still waiting to see him for myself but he’s coming.

So I can be the monster
because that’s what words are for
If only my head to clear
and so I fear
not a moment, a law, a farmer’s daughter

that sees me as the monster
Hockey mask, glove, or engineer
No, I will write out my fear
leaving you lying there forevermore
Close your eyes and wander

For I no longer choose to be a mere
open door
friends with the monster
that’s under my bed, an imposter
in my own life because of fear

Yes, if I can’t find a way, my dear
Whatever it takes, it would be my honor
to make my way like any monster
Life shall no longer be a chore
or anything else to fear

Let the bodies hit the floor
as the boy you leer, you jeer, you sneer, dies right here
Appears it’s time for a slaughter
We will all forget the fear
Alive again, how I will become the monster

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 033 ~Courage to Say No~

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From the man who was once the yes man and will probably be again in a different light but today is all about knowing no. “Courage to Say No”, I need the courage to say anything really but let’s start small

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Lesson 033 ~Courage to Say No~

Hey Lady Lu,
No fear, I’m going to constantly be reminding me myself and it’s a good beginning for our lesson because while the overall goal is to become fearless, no is the word I’m having trouble with today. Reminds me of something out of the Planet of the Apes series, and isn’t that all of us, just a bunch of apes with our hair standing on end at the sound of that word… no.

“Teacher only reverted to type under provocation. He… he spoke like a slavemaster in the old days of our servitude when we were conditioned to mechanical obedience. He, uh, he uttered a negative, uh, imperative.

Could you put that into words which even Caesar could understand?

Uh, he said, “No, Aldo, no!”” Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973)

It starts when we’re young, people fight like Hell to get us into the world, pro-life, a yes and then the rest of our lives we’re told no and we only continue the cycle. Then with the same breath, we’re frightened of those words, only those in power say no and those without say yes and that dictates who we are. So how do I explain heroes then, to a villain it’s always yes to themselves and no to others but then the hero must always say yes, even at the cost of all that they could ever hope honestly.

“This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout “Save us!”… and I’ll whisper “no.”” Rorschach, Watchmen

When your equal asks you say yes; when someone better ask the answer is yes when you consider someone beneath you the answer is always no or you seek to benefit some way. The only thing worse than no is maybe and even lower is a maybe that turns into a yes out of fear of no. Simply put if you’re afraid of saying no, that shouldn’t qualify into a yes, no means no, yes means yes, and often times maybe means no…okay, not simple.

I’m afraid of no, always admit the problem, I’m afraid of no, and I hate yes most days, and the world makes it so, honestly I wish I could say it was all in my head. When you see it put into practice how can you not be afraid, I mean most fears are in our own minds, but with experience, you must fear it.

Take for example work today or lack thereof, when I first started working I never said no, the answer must always be yes because the moment I said no, what would that make me, a bad employee? I learned to start saying no though and then my fears became actualized, my weekly hours were cut, my tasks became worse, for a person that had always said yes in the past, the calls stopped altogether and even when I said yes on occasion at work it wasn’t until I became a yes man that things returned to normal, so I caved.

You want to know why I feel like such a monster when it comes to women because the monster wants the pretty girl and when I wanted someone, that pretty girl’s life became hell from all those around her. She said no because of what a yes would do to her, what about the things I’m into, we have proof that some women would be into my type of kink as long as it isn’t me, my words have won women as long as they know it wasn’t me. I have read Roosh V and he talks about imagining the worst case and you know things can’t be that, take a walk with me sometime.

We say no to those we love the most, I mean an enemy is more inclined to get a yes and why, again we seek to benefit, but I tell my dog no, I tell my “real” friends no, but with my family it’s always yes and that’s because I fear them. No is not just some concept it’s an action with true consequences, take a victim of sexual assault, how many say no it didn’t because of what lies on the other side of fear which is yes only to experience a lifetime of no. A maybe or a yes born out of fear of no and yet I seek the courage to say no, even with you Lu.

I can’t say no to you and do you know why, it’s because I’m waiting for a yes, I fear the moment I give you a no is the moment I miss yes, that makes me a bad man doesn’t it, like pawing away at “Okay” again. Which do I fear more though, no or yes, from now on its one way or the other and you can’t always sit on maybe, I must choose.

How about what I have been thinking about all this morning, well at least two hours maybe, that job of mine called and asked me to come in today and I said NO. Would a yes have been preferable, I have to start thinking about doing things that scare me, I must break my fear.

“Becoming fearless isn’t the point. That’s impossible. It’s learning how to control your fear, and how to be free from it.”
― Veronica Roth, Divergent

Telling them no even with experience, even with a full understanding of the consequences, even with how the moment it was done made me want to pick up the phone and say yes took courage. It’s not like I died for anyone… everyday life, you work somewhere you hate and you sell an hour of your life for a certain amount of money, don’t mistake stupidity for courage. No means I’m being selfish doesn’t it or setting myself up to fail at some point but at the end, I don’t want to succeed there even, I endure to get to where I want to be.

What if I said yes, I would have been caving to one fear but I would get to face several others and I want to be stronger, and people, of course, are one of my worst fears, the dragon known as anxiety. How about missing my yes there, find your yes, how long have I been working there, company taglines and all, but what I want is on the other side of fear which means I make money to buy things I want and need, facing people would mean more money and thus I would be rewarded. So scared to say no but didn’t someone say that in order to face your fear the answer must always be yes, I guess it’s a situational thing.

Anyway today I made the choice and that choice was to say no, so no worries… okay dammit, I’m still thinking about “Ms. Seasons” flying away… how about the courage to let go of my hate, to no longer fear it. What have I learned today, yet another thing is not the end of the world and that thing is no, Courage to Say No.

I Will Have No Fear

 

New World Tours

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A Whole New World meets Things You See In A Graveyard, I suppose someday the two will mesh at the rate things are going. New World Tours… I am no prophet or real estate agent but as the song goes come and take a walk with me.

As in welcome to the desert of the unclear
No wonder I can’t deal
A shattered king, nowhere to start
Perhaps a wherefore art
Some person, some place, something
Of course leading to nothing
Yet I walk and you follow
Will it be better tomorrow?

The light brings its doom
Here I thought you knew
Such wicked by and by
You know the fire inside
Which thus consumed the world
And the tale of the pretty girl
Now I plead the fifth
Let’s get on with it

But what’s left to be done
From a walk to a run
Imagine the moment of extinction
Still I look for distinction
For here I am alive
Wish I could say I tried
Pushing buttons and turning tables
Courageous failure or cowardly able

Because if you lived here
Would that be weird?
You’d be home by now
How would you live… how?
You’re not one of us
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust
Converted and born again
To die the first time friend

Does that mean I’m not dead at all
Rock bottom… a further fall
Or it could be a climb
This grave is not mine
Though I see the graveyard
Our world’s been torn apart
Are you still unsure?
I will give you a tour

Copyright © 2012, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 032 ~In Oprah We Trust~

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I don’t think I ever watched Oprah as a child except once when they were talking about children being kidnapped, thanks for fostering that fear grand mommy. “In Oprah We Trust”, I saw the cover of her magazine and strangely enough found courage.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Lesson 032 ~In Oprah We Trust~

Hey Lady Lu,
I think I’m starting to sound like Phil Dunphy… I’m turned on by powerful (black women) not really truthfully, but this is the second time one has inspired me so. Not so much the courageous thought but today Oprah via a magazine, gave me a new life motto today, something I’m truly trying to actualize, “NO FEAR”.

“I’ll admit it, I’m turned on by powerful women, Michelle Obama, Oprah, Condoleezza Rice, Serena … Williams … wait a minute.” Phil Dunphy, Modern Family

It wouldn’t be the first time, you remember the dreams, Luna, hell the absolute certainty, when it comes to writing, an endorsement from Oprah and your words were seen as holy writ. I want to feel that certainty now, that one day I’m not going to feel like this, that one day I’m going to embrace those words, no fear, she didn’t even say it like that but the things you find in the break room at work. A bunch of idiots talking about nothing, that Mr. Goodbar that is becoming my go to snack, the mother of my children that is going to get me into trouble once again…

So why today and how about tomorrow, how about right now, if anything I wish I was being more articulate with this, but the best ideas often come at the worst times. As much as I want to embrace this new ideology, I know I’m not ready yet, couldn’t ask the mother of my children her name. I won’t let myself forget about this new motto tomorrow, I need to ingrain this as easily as I did “the incident” as quickly as any other humiliation, I need to know this.

To think this all started with a magazine cover in which the question was asked, “what would you do if you weren’t afraid”? Do we really want to know Lu, my hands are shaking at mere aspect, like father like son right, Braxton and I, afraid of what we love the most or I hope?

“The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.”
― by Ayn Rand

You know if anything I’m always one for a good quote; knowledge I think is perhaps the greatest gift you can give and I mean in every single form, mental, carnal, ideological, and even spiritual as long as it requires you to think. One of the reasons I both hate the church and envy them because they tell you not to think but by wiping you of the will to do so you gain the courage to do anything really.

“Seek out a kingdom worthy of your soul” Worthy of Your Soul” by DJ Milky and b-nCHANt-d featuring Rachel Pollack

This is my life’s motto, for a long time I considered it the meaning of life, not so much anymore but even now this is where I’m headed but my mistake has been operating from the shadows. No one builds a kingdom from the dark but rather brick by brick, stone by stone, in the light of day and they don’t let anything stop them, even when they don’t have anything really to show for it, even when others are surpassing them. I apologize, Luna, I just saw something and to be honest my heart is sort of hurt; nothing against me but it still sucks, damn you “Ms. Seasons”.

“Blowing out someone else’s candle doesn’t make yours shine any brighter.” I have no idea

I knew I should have waited but curiosity right… okay I’m getting over it, anyway this just goes to show that I must be braver again, no fear, what has fear ever gotten me. Maybe like hate it gets a bad rap, you know what I say about hate and with fear I have lived by yet another motto “it’s better to be a live chicken than a dead duck” but on that note, I’ve had plenty of chicken and I’ve never had duck. Think about how most chickens live out their lives, now I’m no farmer but if anything I look at ducks somewhat better than I do chickens.

“Let us take the world by the throat and make it give us what we desire.” Conan the Barbarian (1982)

No fear my lady, everything but fear, the Marquis de Sade says lust leads to other passions, Yoda says it’s fear, you know this is going to take a long time for me to accept one or the other or even both. Today let’s say that Oprah and Yoda are right, we’ll get to lust soon enough but the question still remains, what would you do if you weren’t afraid?

“A word of advice – don’t mistake stupidity for courage.” The Undertaker, The Cherokee Kid

“The Day” is coming up soon and I’ve often said… to myself, that everything I ever wanted was inappropriate, insane, or illegal so let’s pretend I’m not afraid, what’s next…

When I was making my new year’s resolutions, one was the fact I wanted a new woman in my bed every month or a girlfriend and I can’t say I have lived up to either of them. A part of me wants to say something to Ms. Seasons about the “mile-high club” but at the moment I’m still too angry, I gained the courage to talk to you again to start really writing because I was so upset. How about making a move on that girl today, “Senseless” nearly got me fired, I’m really going to have to start remembering all these nicknames for real.
As far as insane, I could always quit my day job and start writing full time but wouldn’t that be stupidity disguised as courage, I’m sure that’s what everyone would say. I could finally stand up to my father which borders on the illegal side of the line because if I were to do that…

Should I really tell you about anything I would do that is illegal, honestly Lady Lu it’s just you and me in this place isn’t it but okay, I could always have a woman… if I were willing to pay for her of course. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to kill someone, they say games like GTA make us killers, and stuff life Virgin Roster makes us so much worse but I’ve always been pretty law abiding… yeah, I’m laughing at that. The worst thing I could do, I have such fantasies but I’m not Ned Flanders, I’m not Christian Grey, and I’m definitely not Oprah ha.

What have I learned today, something I have always known, I’m afraid, I’m addicted to fear itself but now that I know it I will fight, In Oprah We Trust.

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity Kitai. Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice.” After Earth

Convince The Reaper

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People often talk to God and even he’s not there or he ain’t listening and these past few days I have heard plenty of people asking other people why. Convince The Reaper… can anyone really know, why do they try; humanity

For what is death, if not a Contract
Between what we consider destiny
And perhaps the one simple fact
That you and everyone you meet
In the simplest terms… will die
Yes I know even me
Yet you question and want to know why
We will all have the big sleep

As if you have some Covenant with God
Or whatever you call that higher power
Seeing the lives now robbed
Wondering of that final hour
Alas we can never see
Until it comes for us all
Consider it too soon maybe
But I ask, who you gonna call

How do we manage that Conversation?
Who now speaks for the dead?
Listen to the voice of the nation
Do you know what I said
Nothing, yes for there is nothing
There are the dead, the head, and oh yes the great divine
While there are those who look for something
Whatever will they find… this time?

With all they’re Collaboration
When has life been fair?
People talk about what they call salvation
So they seek life elsewhere
Praying for those that have been lost
Or albeit much too soon
Knowledge I’m afraid is a heavy cost
Preferring not to think of doom

Though it is always Coming
Is there anything you can do?
Won’t tell you to stop running
I suppose I know my truth
At the end… for those still Alive
Asking after him or her
Feel free to ask why and to cry
No not one life can Convince the Reaper

Copyright © 2012, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 031 ~30 Days Without Incident~

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One month and really what has changed, hell this is a month I never expected to see and that started so many years ago and yet somehow I have survived and you have been here for the ride. “30 Days Without Incident” …

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Lesson 031 ~30 Days Without Incident~

Hey Lady Lu,
Thirty-one days but the last three nights have been, exhausting, to say the least, and to say the most would be endless screaming but I try to be more articulate than that. Okay, at least to you because I’m still working on the people thing, more to the point I’m still working on that myself thing but really what has this month been like, you don’t want to know but we’re here…

If we start with “the incident” that sent me running back to you, I haven’t heard a thing from “Ms. Seasons” but I’m keeping my ear to the ground, along with my eyes but we’ll get to that. I wish I could figure out am I ignoring her out of disgust, anger, or indifference, the fact that I’m keeping up with her you would think speaks volumes but bless the sound of silence. My resolve seems to be as strong as ever though, but I’m getting to that, I guess it means something too that I don’t have more to say about her at all.

As long as we’re going through a list of the people I’m not speaking with, how about everyone at work, I still hold faith in my conspiracy theory but if anything the typical overnights. Yesterday and today were probably the best I felt minus the exhaustion, hasn’t everyone wondered at some point what it would be like to be all alone in a store? The only thing that would have been better is if my stupid iPhone was acting right but several ideas for playlists if I buckle down honestly.

How is it when you don’t have something you want it, even more, only human right but suddenly I was in the mood to listen to my Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 playlist and Kenny Rogers meets Wyclef. Trust me you don’t want to be left alone with the thoughts in your own head, especially if you’re me right?

I’ve still been avoiding my neighbor when it comes to their dog; I’m not a Flash type of superhero, and while I talk about writings, wit, and wisdom, I’d rather just punch someone in the face. Makes me sound abusive especially when it comes to Braxton, but, A/C, a full food and water bowl, and plenty of comfy spots seems better than a bed of rocks and outside for hours.

Lady Lu I really do want to be the hero in this situation but I have been going back and forth on being the neighbor that wants to help and the neighbor who adopts. Maybe you can blame Braxton for that but if you think I have trouble talking to people… other than Braxton it seems my anxiety transcends species. If anything it points out how much I love animals because I wouldn’t know what to do with a baby either, I don’t even know my nephew, there’s no rush.

Braxton and I *sigh*, a part of me wants to say the circle of life is complete, I hate my father and now Braxton hates me, I wonder if my father is as clueless as I am as to why the anger and animosity between us always. Really Luna the only words that have left my mouth besides “I love you” which I always have and always will have been “No”, “Shut Up” and “that’s why you’re in trouble”, it’s been so many days already. This doesn’t count as an incident but more as a new development and if anything, I’m more concerned with the people I’ll have to talk to, just to know why.

Procrastination, fear, anxiety, pick a word, any word and I’ll just roll with it, that was my first idea to chat about today, the way people are always putting words in my mouth. Now here we are and I just wish I had some idea as to what to say or do; isn’t it strange from the moment you learn to talk you’re taught to shut up and listen only.

One day soon I’m going to have to remember all the reasons that I want to be a writer, just put them all down as a lesson. That’s another thing I was doing at work, thinking of ways to expand, I’m always expanding my reach but Moses was a king of the desert too, I mean post Egypt of course.

“What is an ocean but a multitude of drops?” – Adam Ewing, Cloud Atlas (2012)

There are too many prophets here Luna, as the song goes but each drop is unique, each serves a purpose or maybe that’s my OCD talking and personally, I don’t want to know my place or stay in it. Just informing you of upcoming, incidents, accidents, and mistakes, but for right now, other than being really late with this, I’m actually in a somewhat decent place. Nobody wants to hear that though except for maybe “Indiana Gone” if anything I’ll worry about what I’ll say tomorrow, I’ll be sad tomorrow.

Just because I’ve survived this month doesn’t mean I enjoyed it and isn’t that yet another problem with life, that it’s all some big accident; makes me think about holy folks, you know. To go with another song, every day is exactly the same and if anything, that means I will survive, okay damn my iPhone and the always running playlist within my mind. Maybe you’re hoping that I will see a miracle instead of the other shoe dropping. Only that’s truth, the other shoe has to drop, whether you’re lying on your back, taking the next step, or learning.

“There’s a saying – the pessimist looks down and hits his head. The optimist looks up and loses his footing. The realist looks forward and adjusts his path accordingly.” – King Ezekiel, The Walking Dead 7×02

When it doesn’t that’s an incident, an accident, tripping, you fall and since I don’t think I’ll be flying anytime soon… the thing is I haven’t tripped or fallen, since landing flat on my face with Ms. Seasons. What I have learned today is that I want to adjust my path, which means taking my eyes off the ground, here’s to us Lady Lu and to 30 Days Without Incident.

Adjusting My Hat

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I hear the words, masquerading as a man with a reason, which of course I have none and rather than accept it I pretend. Adjusting My Hat… I just got my hair cut and felt somewhat bald or I just like my hood; if anything it’s what’s I think?

As if I were some hood
What is it I’m hiding?
Want to know… you should
Hate what you’re not abiding
And I know you would
That’s why I’m not surviving
It’s for the common good?
From the pope’s skullcap
All I am a blunder
Is it time for a nap
Who are you my mother?
Don’t tell me I’m trapped
Still I’m not like the others
The frequency I fap

For love is quite illegal
While I wear this sombrero
Could I be more regal?
How I need the dinero
But that wouldn’t be legal
To Nevada, should I go?
Fly like an eagle

If only I could play
Don’t lose my head
I should Tebow everyday
Yeah that’s what I said
Could there be a way
Not lying here in bed
Alone another day

Should I put on my Fedora?
Will I control my fate?
Go to Bora, Bora
Just to get away
Shall I lie amongst the flora
You say it’s a mistake
Yet I want more of…

Where is my mind?
Isn’t it what’s under?
The reason and the rhymes
Everything I wonder
Mad Hatter sublime

Copyright © 2012, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.