Tag: Lesson

Lesson 078 ~Playing God, Good, Guy~

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All work and no play, but what about some work and sitting on my behind, which is actually sort of perfect since I have been behind for quite some time now. “Playing God, Good, Guy” better than being a rock but what else could I be doing, try reading

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Lesson 078 ~Playing God, Good, Guy~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, maybe disappointment, maybe depression, somewhat dejection but no fear which if this was my “Blackjack Scale” would probably be a five and no don’t hit me. I can’t help but feel like I’m giving up and for what more time, what have I been doing today though it feels good to have a clean inbox.

I’ve been catching up on TV for the most part and actually had decent food, didn’t I tell you that dinner went okay and that usually means not killing myself with something undercooked and actually having leftovers to look forward to. Any day I’m not sleeping the day away in bed… took a nap on the couch and nearly gave into temptation, not that anyone would care to be honest. Isn’t that what this is all about, thinking that someone cares when at the end of the day, it would just be so easy to just let this all go.

It’s what reminded me of the book, “The Hauntings of Playing God” a title that didn’t disappoint but I have plenty of authors that seem to be counting on me. While I have no problem telling people to f* off, I still hate letting people down if there is such a task that I have set my mind to and I am always my worst critic, though YouTube begs to differ, only that’s just me being invisible once again. What do they say, flattery will get you nowhere and what about criticism, if love is an open door, then a few bad words are like an invading force, that leaves nothing left behind to see.

Not that I’m burning my work down to the ground this time, though besides talking to you today what else have I done, what else is there left to do? This just gets me back to why I need a break as if I haven’t had enough of those just falling into the endless abyss.

It makes me question have I ever truly hit rock bottom or experienced true freedom though I can tell you about a time or two back in high school and of course when I was out walking the streets for a few. So what have I learned today, other than I should be playing if not working, or always so exhausted that I’m passed out as I’m dreaming, of course, I’m Playing God, Good, Guy?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 077 ~That’s Too Much Sauce~

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It’s just too much but what am I supposed to do quit, maybe it would help if I ever got to bed at a decent hour but what are the odds of that happening anytime soon? That’s Too Much Sauce, would it hurt to have a day off

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Lesson 077 ~That’s Too Much Sauce~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear and maybe then you will find a little less silence; what am I talking about, well I was a rather chatterbox, not to people but my camera and that is something. Long story short I was busy trying to cook and I decided to put it on camera, I’m still working on it now but I had to find time to sit down and talk.

You should sit down or we need to talk is never a great way to start a conversation, I’m sure we’ve been over that but neither is spending all day in bed. Burning the candle at both ends, how about burning the midnight oil, as long as I’m not burring the house down but the way things have been going… Seriously I should just step back for a little bit, it’s not like I’m letting anyone down, maybe one person on Instagram, one on Whisper, the individual isn’t that right?

“The needs of the many, outweigh…

The needs of the few.

Or the one.” Star Trek, The Wrath of Khan

I swear I was at the last of my energy, writing and my day job and now trying to do videos as well, whatever is the price of success if that is truly what I have been after all this time and what would I call too high a price? It’s not wrong is it to take a step back and try to recover, anger, fear, desire, sometimes I actually envy those people who find any sort of peace lasting longer than a few seconds. Am I trying to justify, taking a break to you, yeah you remember the last break we took and it hasn’t been three months yet and I won’t abandon you this time… do I promise?

“There’s a peace only to be found on the other side of war. If that war should come I will fight it!” First Knight (1995)

I’m going too far on one side of the line but I can’t go back to a blank slate either but then again I was pumping out 5,000 words daily when it came to my writing and that seems a Herculean task considering I was trying to make life easier. I’ll probably take tonight to think about it, or probably not but if I could just talk like I was doing today with the video and of course I will always have a respect for the written word, I can’t.

So what have I learned today besides the fact that I can’t give up being with you like this but I can’t keep up this sort of pace you know Luna That’s Too Much Sauce.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 076 ~How Are You Lost~

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I wonder which is bigger, the world or my own head, if anything at least the world comes with maps and there are plenty of places to run but why the hell am I running anyway. How Are You Lost, the heart knows its direction, breath too, and Will?

Friday, September 15, 2017

Lesson 076 ~How Are You Lost~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, and no sense of direction though everything else knows exactly the way to go, perhaps I should rethink this whole no fear scenario if anything it’s good exercise. You know that when I was back in school, I liked to run, learned to run actually but there was a freedom in it, and somewhere along the way I discovered a fine line between running to something and running away from something and I crossed it.

“We’re not built to kill. We don’t have claws fangs or armor. Vets, they came back with PTSD, that didn’t happen because we’re comfortable with killing. We’re not. We can’t be. We feel. We’re connected. You know, I’ve interviewed over 825 people who’ve done terrible things. I’ve only met one evil person. Some of them were born with bad brains. Some of them got sick along the way. The rest were just damaged people. Traumatized themselves like you, but they could heal. Some more, some less, but they can. We all can. I know it. It’s all a circle and everything gets a return.” Eastman – Here’s Not Here, TWD

To think fifteen days ago I figured I knew exactly where I was going and now well… I’m slogging through, I honestly should be doing better than this but at least I’m moving forward and what else is a guy should be doing? At work today I felt that old fear creep up inside of me, you know the one I’ve been running from, some things you just can’t outrun, you just have to take it step by step. On the other hand, I talk about being dominant and a dominant doesn’t move for anybody, no he stands, a submissive must move according to his will and that is power.

“Compromise where you can. Where you can’t, don’t. Even if everyone is telling you that something wrong is something right. Even if the whole world is telling you to move, it is your duty to plant yourself like a tree, look them in the eye, and say, ‘No, *you* move’.” Sharon, Captain America: Civil War (2016)

Now I don’t fancy myself a philosopher Lady Lu but there I was just standing there at work and you know what I realized, the heart moves forward, you breathe in but you must breathe out, we are not born with eyes in the backs of our heads, and other parts of the anatomy point the way forward. So today’s lesson, how am I lost, I’m thinking about going one way because it’s faster, another way because I want to face my fears but you know what the correct answer is, I should go wherever I please. It’s okay to be lost but it’s not okay to let fear or some proof of courage direct your feet ever, live brave.

“I don’t think that a person should run unless he’s being chased.

Being chased. I like that.” The Faculty (1998)

Not even a submissive does that, a Sub may fear to disappoint her Dom but she moves because she chooses to of her own accord. Have you noticed that I’m getting braver with these references or maybe it’s because I know that nobody is coming by to check, not yet?
What have I learned today, maybe I’m not so much lost as I am adjusting my path, even if that just means choosing a direction and of course forward is good, How Are You Lost?

“The pessimist looks down and loses his head. The optimist looks up and loses his footing. The realist looks forward and adjusts his path accordingly.” King Ezekiel, The Walking Dead

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 075 ~The Chain of Command~

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I ain’t your boss, I’m Braxton’s friend, matter a fact I have plenty of friends, the thing is I’m not the boss, I do things and sometimes people just come with me I suppose. “The Chain of Command”, Braxton has his leash, and you have these words

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Lesson 075 ~The Chain of Command~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear because fear is but a chain meant to keep you in your place and sometimes it doesn’t seem to matter which end of it you find yourself on. Braxton has his leash but most days he fears nothing, the leash is for me to keep control of him because… yes, I am afraid of what he might do or where he might choose to go.

“You know what the chain of command is? It’s the chain I go get and beat you with ’til ya understand who’s in ruttin’ command here.” The Train Job, Firefly

Am I afraid to take command, I wonder how my father does it, no scratch that, fear and I don’t think that anyone should rule by fear though it is an alluring thought we’ll get to it? Today, I found myself in a command situation and I think there is a difference in command and leadership, I have no problem with command but if I must lead, I want to know where the hell I’m going and today I was just lost. Now I don’t mind being lost but for others to be lost with me, hell no man is meant to be a slave, at least not forever but how does one find freedom?

“Lead, follow, or get out of the way.” Thomas Paine

During the day I am but a slave chained, not actual chains mind you but yeah in the mind, I am commanded except for those rare occasions when my experience serves a purpose. Now in the bedroom, of course, those chains become more a reality, not just chains, scarves, ropes, my current submissive’s lingerie, methods of exerting dominance and control but again who is a servant and who is master, true dominants accept the situation as we know it to be. To have such control over another person, for someone to trust you with such power and authority, only the true victory is when you know they will stay regardless without such tools being employed.

The problem with the world today is too many who have power, command, leadership and the like don’t know what to do with it and while confidence is key… that might be it right there Lu, I mean of course confidence sets of free, we’ve talked about this. Anyway, my point is that I want to earn such power, to be worthy of it, and of course to know where I’m going with it honestly.

“Dreaming of windows black tinted like a hearse
When waking up to life sometimes seems worst
And all I ever wanted is to be a better man
And I try to keep it real with my homies land
For me to save the world I don’t understand
How did I become the leader of a billion fans?” from R. Kelly

That’s what I learned today, that it isn’t so much the chain but the key of command, that I’m not afraid, you’ll leave, that I’m not tempted to give you the key, and that you don’t go looking for it because at the end of the day I am still holding The Chain of Command.

The only thing in this world that gives orders… is balls.” Tony Montana, Scarface (1983)

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 074 ~Don’t Lie for Me~

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How’s Will doing today, it’s not that I even have to take part in the conversation, I could lie in bed and they could live forever, lying long after I’m gone and I’m sure you have been getting this question yourself maybe. Don’t Lie for Me.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Lesson 074 ~Don’t Lie for Me~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear and no sleep if Braxton has anything to say about it, hopping right into the lesson today, “no ifs, ands, or buts”, now about lies though? Talking about ulterior motives, sometimes Braxton is too smart for his own good, he lies in my spot but not out of love but to make sure I can’t crawl back into bed, he lies down when I’m eating not out of obedience, he knows that he is often rewarded for not begging, so on and so forth usually.

I know that sounds stupid I know but I wonder how many people lie to me for similar reasons, friends you know that dare I say like me for me? Of course, a running theme of mine has been I don’t even know who I am myself and when I behave differently, well as they say, with friends like these who needs enemies? A friend told me, that they have a file on me, my school, the police, the whole damn internet which must be so incredibly confused but I wish I knew what they say about me at work.

“Some of the most successful relationships are based on lies and deceit. Since that’s where they usually end up anyway, it’s a logical place to start.” Lord of War (2005)

How about the fact that I’m my own worst enemy and I lie (asleep) not because of depression but because it’s the only time, said enemy gives me a break? When I finally take “The Big Sleep”, I hope they won’t lie about my life, another reason to write, so people can’t lie, no Luna I want people tossing and turning, I want them up in arms, or anything else. These words may lie on the page but it will be people that will decide the truth or the lie, but don’t we all really?

“What’s the threat? We all sell out every day, might as well be on the winning team.” They Live (1988)

We lie about the people we’re with, support friends even when better friends know better, at work they build you up on lies, surrounded by air while you’re lying in the dirt, at the end of the day is six feet enough. Of course Braxton has the best excuse and I have learned to speak his language but it’s people Luna, and in a way I guess they can’t help it, as I said I don’t know me so they can’t know me but it’s their stories, the weight of it all, I can’t take.

So what have I learned today, maybe it’s the Will said this, Will feels that Will looks like… stuff at work are just people again lying about me or lying for me, this person they have never even met and so Don’t Lie for Me.”

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 073 ~Bursting At The Seams~

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Things I’m not into, talking in my sleep or self- harm and yet a word came out and how does one go about cutting the back of their own neck. “Bursting At The Seams”, it’s tearing me apart Luna or something like that I suspect, any thoughts?

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Lesson 073 ~Bursting At The Seams~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, I don’t normally talk in my sleep but I swear right on cue as the alarms began buzzing the word “burst” was on my lips and I can’t fathom why? Is this going to be one of those nonsensical posts which just makes no sense and is better left screamed into a pillow, now where is the fun in that?

Speaking of which, when was the last time that I screamed ever, I was on the verge, and this is one of those things that just doesn’t do well in print, is that why I want to be louder, get others to do it for me, maybe I need some godawful tragedy. Am I that much of a heartless bastard, I already told you, I’ve been forgetting things, like having a stake in Hurricane Irma, hell I don’t but I still remember exactly where I was when 9/11 happened, haven’t I been talking about the days of “Sapphire”. Yet another reason I talk to you, because all my crap seems juvenile, compared to the greater troubles of the universe right?

Which gets us back to today’s lesson and how it must have taken a hell of a lot to get that one word out of me in my sleep, something out loud with nothing but Braxton to hear me and between me, you, and him we’re great listeners but not such smooth talkers. How about talking in general because I can’t figure out how I got the cut on the back of my neck, I mean it’s easy to say that Braxton did but I can’t confirm it. I came up with a joke today that either my dog or my bitch did it but that’s exactly the type of humor that gets you fired and I was tempting fate

I was on the cusp though Lady Lu, I could feel it in my bones, I mean how my novel is so bloated, I come up with excuses by the truck load to not talk, not in front of customers, chicken biscuits, and other people have their worries. The mask is starting to slip again, I kept quiet around one manager and another saw, a bit of my face too.

So what have I learned today or rather thought… maybe something inside me is trying to get out, and if I can’t find my voice, damn censorship but something is truly Bursting at The Seams.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 072 ~Madness Takes Its Toll

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I’m not a fancy of The Rocky Horror Picture Show but as found myself growing angry at the mere thought of my day job I found myself becoming exhausted and the price of all this is happiness? Madness Takes Its Toll I don’t make enough to sacrifice joy

Monday, September 11, 2017

Lesson 072 ~Madness Takes Its Toll

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, though it comes cheap, hell it’s practically free, as the holy rollers say about God, he may not come when you want him but he’ll be there right on time. It’s like taking a flask to work, you have to hide it, you know it’s wrong, and you need it settle your nerves quite often.

It’s one of the reasons I’m getting to you so late today and I never thought of myself as a drinker, but I’m an unusual creature, other people drink coffee to function, alcohol to relax, and who knows what else? They say money won’t buy happiness but as the song goes I’d like a chance to see, how about you tell me where they are handing it out. Maybe that’s why I spend anger like it’s no tomorrow as with my fear you can’t get rid of it, talk about being a rich man today.

“It’s all right, little brother… there are more!” Herger the Joyous, The 13th Warrior (1999)

Just like drinking for a living though, what is the value in it, I could ask myself the same thing when it comes to writing, because don’t people say if you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life? I think I told you before, that when I go to work, I get physically ill, sometimes I try to keep it all in my head because I have to do it, and while I’m not sure about whatever I’m doing, I don’t get paid enough to be angry all the time. Six hours today Luna and that’s twenty-four hours I’ve wasted as far as I’m concerned, that’s unless you count anger as making any real profit.

“I’m gonna teach you to HATE spending money. I’m gonna make you so sick of spending money that the mere sight of it will make you wanna throw up!” – Rupert Horn, Brewster’s Millions (1985)

It’s a load of BS that people say happiness lies within, I had the week off and that anger that was dribbling down came back as if I won the lotto and where do I spend the most of it? Honestly, I never thought of myself as one for self-harm, but how many times did I pound my fist into something, how many times did I go and slap myself, always pay yourself first right?

“Anger is more useful than despair.” -, Terminator, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

Maybe I need to take stock of what makes me happy, grateful of course is one thing I must never forget but happy, isn’t this what happens to drunks. What have I learned today, the price of happiness is time and for some reason, I always seem to be flat broke, Madness Takes Its Toll?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 071 ~I Felt the Chill

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People are supposed to care aren’t we, my dog without question, friends here or there but what about in general, people that we don’t want to know, people that we will never know, people that we used to know? I Felt the Chill, the coldness.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Lesson 071 ~I Felt the Chill

Hey Lady Lu,
No fear, not at night anyway, I rarely have bad dreams, because well life but didn’t I just say yesterday that there are a million things just waiting? Funny how they haven’t flown away with Hurricane Irma and that sent a chill up my spine, not about the storm but that I forgot something big seemingly out of the blue.

“I felt the chill.” – T.J. Krupp, House Arrest (1996)

Now I know I can be a lot to handle my lady or maybe I’m giving myself too much credit, you think, usually, the only words I have for anybody are the following *inhale, exhale* and even that is a bit much or so I’ve gathered. Thinking, you know “M Anime” might have a point about getting enough sleep but of course Lu, it’s not a math course or meteorology to be sure. So as for today’s lesson as much fear… yes that’s a naughty word but as much of it as I felt today, it doesn’t exactly measure up to being, a tad heartless, now that is giving too much credit.

“Do you not see the logic of my plan?

Yes, but it just seems too heartless.” – I, Robot (2004)

Who do I care for in this world, I mean there is Braxton of course, “Indiana Gone” might say I care a lot, I care about my friends to varying degrees but then people talk about Hurricane Irma as if it’s the end of the world but I didn’t have anybody in harm’s way now did I? That was my realization, that somebody I use to know or probably never did could possibly be in danger and I felt… well, a shiver found my spine. On one hand, I don’t care, I mean why should I at all, it shows where my morals lie, but with so many enemies not that they should be an enemy, again too much credit, I should not turn a blind eye to this right?

I’ve seen so many people preaching that these storms are God’s will, one way or another and who knows Luna I myself may be in danger but I worry more about what people would think of me reading this than of any actual hurricane. My point is I don’t know how I feel about being someone who can casually toss feelings aside, even if they were only on the lowest denominator of emotional baggage maybe.

So what have I learned today, well yesterday that someone excommunicated could be in danger and that’s just it, I’m not going to look, it’s the looking that lets you know you’re screwed but that was yesterday, today my dear Luna, I Felt the Chill?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 070 ~We Will Be Invincible~

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As the song goes I can feel it coming in the air tonight, and I am not afraid, let Irma blow along with some others but now I’m only worried about work. We Will Be Invincible honestly it’s the people that scare me and their words, not hurricane winds

Saturday, September 9, 2017

Lesson 070 ~We Will Be Invincible~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, of course, there are a million and one things waiting in the wings but isn’t it fun to pretend, to look the other way, to play it by ear. Well, what’s the sound of being invincible, how about fearlessness, I suppose I can answer my own question with just one word, and that’s with “yes”.

“M Anime” is a student of languages as for myself, I speak English, Dollars, and Braxton, I swear my little son swears that he’s going to live forever, though he threw up on me this morning and he sounds like he might hack up a lung sometimes. It’s when you see the monster that you know you’re done for, it’s been awhile since I have heard anything that truly scares me but that time is coming soon, heading back to my day job. How about Hurricane Irma… whatever can the wind do, kill me or the waters drown me, to this day people still don’t understand what words do though.

“Well, I speak one… One Zero One Zero Zero. With that, I could steal your money, your secrets, your sexual fantasies, your whole life. Any country, any place, anytime I want. We multitask like you breathe. I couldn’t think as slow as you if I tried.” Rat, The Core (2003)

That’s being invincible Lady Lu but goes right under that blanket of impossible, immoral, illegal, and insane and not at all practical sadly. Well not until I get my writing off the ground and how has that been going, by the way, I’m still aren’t I, though I wonder
If anybody is looking at my old stomping grounds right now. Day nine and I’ve seen some scary things and forgotten a few more and I will no longer give them a license in my mind… see how long that last.

“Haven’t you ever wanted to just disappear, lunch boy? Poof, you’re gone? You’d be surprised how interesting people become when they think you’re *really* stupid.” Dorian Newberry, Disturbing Behavior (1998)

Believe half of what you hear, to none of it, is that why I enjoy my headphones, my music so much because I feel what isn’t real, then what about what people say, what about what I say, how people dismiss the senses so easily in exchange for what… God? We were given ears for a reason, eyes, a tongue with taste buds, skin, and every day I see the impossible, I try, I want to say, the impossible, I want to make it real.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it starts with having a voice and today’s lesson is We Will Be Invincible, not just today, but tomorrow, and Monday, and so on and so yes, We Will Be Invincible.
“Sometimes I believe in as many as six impossible things before breakfast.” Alice in Wonderland

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 069 ~For A Reasonable Apocalypse~

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Not too big, not too small, not too nothing, I mean who says no to free pizza at any point, I will remain silent on pineapple but I wish I could say more about yesterday. For “A Reasonable Apocalypse”, just another day I survived of course.

Friday, September 8, 2017

Lesson 069 ~For A Reasonable Apocalypse~

“I’m a reasonable guy. But, I’ve just experienced some very unreasonable things.” Jack Burton, Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, it isn’t that kind of lesson, though in a way I thought it would be or so I was hoping but no, the world is the same as before, I’m a little older, dare I say a little wiser? I figured I would be busier tomorrow, no promises to stop the innuendo but I would have been better off talking to you yesterday, I had all the time in the world for an apocalypse, just a small one I guess.

Most days I would have been in bed, my personal cave, just hoping the day would go away, this is one of the problems with leaving the cave, you figure there is something out there in the world. You have high hopes and then… personally, I don’t know how I feel about yesterday other than the fact that I’m glad it’s over. The most exciting thing that has happened to me is I thought I lost Braxton, and I already growing so forgetful already, sad.

So I count up the wins, nothing like last year, of course, a Pizza Hut coupon for Cinnamon Sticks which is probably no good, I did get free pizza from “Indiana Gone” and some other snacks because she got stuck at work, plus she got her young Padawan to sing to me. “M Anime” sent money, “Okay” went to Amazon, and two “working girls” sent their regards, I knew I was forgetting to erase my name from somewhere. I have a coupon for a small popcorn at my movie theater, and even my mother sent a few words, knowing how I would be feeling about one of her biggest mistakes.

As for minuses, “Gospel Girl” forgot all about me and I wasn’t going to remind her of course, my “father” sent the worse words in the world but that’s him being him, and a “working girl” I actually called the day of, forgot me as well. In case you didn’t know, I hate that damn day, hell I hate this whole month, and I would say the worse is over but is it ever really over, getting paid to sit on my ass but that’s if I made any amount to be bragging about ever.

“I feel the earth move under my feet
I feel the sky tumbling down, tumbling down
I feel my heart start to trembling
Whenever you’re around”
sung by Carole King, I Feel The Earth Move

So what have we learned today, my world wasn’t rocked, when you think you hear the voice of the Almighty you might just be talking to yourself, and people mean well but you’re better off being the lone survivor, wanderer, whatever from the Fallout series. Some days it pays to just ride it out in your cave and just think some “For A Reasonable Apocalypse”.

Just remember what ol’ Jack Burton does when the earth quakes and the poison arrows fall from the sky, and the pillars of Heaven shake. Yeah, Jack Burton just looks that big ol’ storm right square in the eye and he says, “Give me your best shot, pal. I can take it.”
Jack Burton, Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

I Will Have No Fear